Original subtitles

Thanks again for the invite, Mr. and Mrs. Turner.

Oh, that's all right, darling. We're happy to have Fermi's boyfriend around

dinner.

Aren't we, Glenn?

Mm -hmm.

Glenn.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, mate. You can get your hand on her ass right in front of the dad.

Sorry, sorry, Mrs. Turner. No, I'm sorry. Jesus Christ. Mum.

It's my fault. No, deal with him. I'm so sick of you. Jesus Christ.

Glenn, you're being weird.

I know that. They're 17 years old. Exactly, Susan. They're too bloody

His hand on her. Far out.

Hi,

Ash. Lovely to meet you.

Hi. How are you? Good, nice to meet you. I hope you like Rose's dinner.

Oh, I'm vegetarian.

Don't be silly.

It's a beautiful home you have.

Two nights ago, Sammy brings over the new boyfriend for the first time.

I sit him down and I lay out the rules. Good, man.

Rule one, door stays open. Door stays open, fair enough.

Rule two, no pinching my beers, no drinking.

Well, beers are bloody expensive too.

Rule three, if you have to kiss, keep it to a peck.

none of that French shit, no groping, and absolutely, under no circumstances,

there to be any sex.

Okay, what did he say?

You know what? He was pretty good about it. He goes, Mr. Turner, I am sexually

attracted to your daughter, but I respect you and your rules too much to

them. Your house, your rules. Wow, solid answer.

So what's the problem?

Half an hour later, door was shut.

Uh -oh.

I walk in there.

Six empties on the ground. Oh, you've been bastard.

French kissing?

Full -on groping?

No.

No. Really?

Yeah.

Little bastard. Oh, no.

Oh,

he's done you. It's not funny, and he hasn't done me, mate. Okay?

He has done you. It's been a change of power. He's taken your beers, and he's

had his way with Sammy. Oh, yeah, he's taken, yeah, he took the beers. I'm

surprised, to be honest with you.

What's that supposed to mean? Well... I've always been... A little bit weak.

Always.

I might be a little less macho than you two fools, but... Hang on, hang on, hang

on. Don't take it to heart, bros. You just... You've never been an alpha male,

right? So this kid, he can smell it on you. That's why he did what he did.

You're going to get sniffed on me. Yeah.

He always used to piss himself when there was thunder about. That's right.

played hockey. Well, Susan's always been the boss. Okay, all right. Let's stop

with the glen bashing, all right? What am I supposed to do, okay? Because right

now all I can think of is that they're in there right now having sex.

It's easy. Got to lay down the rules again.

Yeah, I've tried that, Dad.

Not with a couple of vows, have you, haven't you?

Hi.

They're outside.

Tell me everything that's been happening with Ryder.

I'm not using that stupid thing anymore.

What? Why?

Oh, well, I swished right on about... Swiped right. OK, swiped right on about

200 men. Not one reply.

What?

Nothing.

It's been a real kick in the fanny. So, yeah, thanks for that, Susan.

That doesn't sound right. A rider? I mean, that's the whole reason that men

on the app.

Yeah, well, no -one's on there for this old grape. Give me your phone.

No, I'm done with it. No, no, it's embarrassing.

What?

Kerry.

What? It's quite possibly the worst photo I've ever seen in my entire life.

You look a thousand years old.

You're making a cup of tea in this one.

I love tea. I love tea too, but it's not very sexy, is it? No. Okay, just...

Let's have a look at the bio.

Grandma Kerry Turner.

Yep. You happy with that name?

No good.

59 enjoys long walks on the beach when my knees are up to it.

They've been shocking lately, let me tell you. I'd love to dunk a

biscuit in a warm cup of tea. What is actually wrong with tea?

I mean, people drink tea. There's nothing wrong with tea, Kerry. I just

maybe leave it out of my bio if I was looking to have a cheeky affair.

Oh, well, I don't know what to say.

No, it's okay, it's okay. This is good. We know now why you don't have any

bites. We just need to...

We just need to redo your profile.

Let's do a photo shoot.

Um, it's not bin day today.

Isn't it?

No, it's, um, it's on Tuesdays. Oh, okay, yeah, no, my granddad just told me

bring him out.

Oh, Barth has probably got dementia or something. Oh, I love your granddad.

Yeah, no, I love him too, yeah.

Oh.

Um,

you're, we're in the same drama class, hey?

Um, yeah, no, I think so, yeah. Do you like it?

Oh. I'm like obsessed.

Me too.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, I want to be an actor. Yeah, no, me too, yeah. Oh, really?

amazing. Yeah. What are your top three favorite actors?

Um, that's a tough one. Yeah, honestly, I know. Whenever someone asks me, I'm

just like, oh, like, I don't know, like, it's so hard. Yeah. Give me one.

Um, probably The Rock.

The wrestler?

Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, the, um, yeah.

Oh.

I get it. Yeah, it's a joke. Yeah, yeah.

That was funny. Well, mine are Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett, and Margot

Robbie. Oh, Leo. Yeah, no, he's my top. Is he? Yeah. He's so hot, hey. Yeah.

You kind of actually, like, look like him a little bit.

Do I?

Thank you.

Oh, guys, enough, okay?

Dad, get out.

Hey, no, I just... Ash, can you come with me for a quick moment, please?

What? Where?

Well, he hasn't met Tommy and Grandad properly.

Just come and meet them. He doesn't want to go. Sammy, it's cool. I'd love to

meet your uncle and grandad.

See, it's fine.

Fine, whatever.

Don't take ages.

We won't.

Let's go.

Take a seat.

I love the barbecue, Grandad Turner.

Got her off the side of the road, council clean -up.

Installed the new burners myself, but we're not here to talk about my Barbie,

are we? What are we here to talk about, mate, hey?

Come on.

I know.

Mr Turner, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about the other night.

Your home, your daughter, and you laid out the rules and I feel gutted

that I broke them.

I can honestly say I respect your daughter and you, Mr Turner, and what

will not happen again.

Yeah, well, I appreciate you saying that.

Yeah, okay. Well, I guess we can probably squash that. Hang on.

We're just going to bend over and let him bang you as well. We'll be in there

for round two any minute. No, I won't. I promise.

He promised the first time. Yeah, you did promise.

Just hang back a second. Me and Dad have a chat.

We're not happy, mate.

Okay.

What were your plans tonight?

Just to enjoy a lovely piece of roast meat.

With Sammy.

What were your plans with Sammy tonight?

Uh, just to hang out and just kiss.

I want to earn Mr. Turner's respect back.

Good man.

Shut the fuck up, Glenn. Sorry.

Your plans didn't include going the whole way with Sammy again? Don't

us.

I promise on my grandma's life, I just wanted to kiss and be respectful.

Open the bag.

What? Open your bag.

Dad? No, no. Guys, this is going too far. He's 17.

Shut up, Glenn.

Give it to him. We cannot go through his stuff. This is a kid, guys. This is

just bad.

This is going too far.

For her pleasure, condoms.

Looks like grandma's dead.

What else is in there, Dad?

You're a lying piece of shit.

Just a black ring.

That's a fucking cock ring, Dad. Jesus.

Have you chosen your monologue yet?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, where's it from?

Uh, Fast and Furious.

I've never had monologues. Can I hear it?

Uh... Please just let me hear it for just a little bit.

Um... Okay, yeah.

Thanks. Uh, it's probably shit, but, um... Alright.

Uh...

I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

Nothing else matters. Not the car, not the mortgage, not my team and their

bullshit. For once in my life, for those ten seconds, I'm free.

So that's what I got.

For those, um... So far, you know.

It was... Good.

Yeah?

Yeah, it was that.

I was Vin Diesel.

Cool.

Why would a 17 -year -old have a cock ring?

They're pretty good, actually.

Really? They sustain the climax and make your old fella look bigger.

Expensive? Can be.

Ten cents in the hardware.

We've got hundreds in the garage. Sorry to interrupt.

Can we get back to the kid that's having sex with my daughter? Oh, yeah, right,

right.

Right, now, here are the rules.

You're in my house now, so you follow my rules and I don't let things slide. All

right? Now, I've confiscated all the goodies.

You sit on the other side of the sofa when you go inside.

All right? Yes, sir. Piss off. Yes, sir.

Come on.

Excuse me, guys.

Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. See you, mate.

They want to judge me, I'll testify.

Catch me on Insta, I'm verified.

They want me quiet, I amplify.

I'm on my way, on my way. The best thing that you've ever seen. You know that

you bow to the queen. You lose all your senses and reason. I'll give you

something to believe.

O -M -W.

I'm all with you.

Good at what I do.

I'm O -M -W.

O -M -W.

I'm all with you.

Good at what I do.

I reckon it should be all good now. Yeah, yeah.

He knows the rules, Glenn.

Yeah.

No, because he wouldn't be that stupid, would he? No way.

I think I'm going to have a quick look. Yeah. Good idea.

Keep your head down.

Keep it down. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are we going to do if he's breaking the rules?

We're going to have to have a little chat.

You ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

Get your fucking hand off me.

Hey,

ready? You ready? Hang on, come on, hang on.

One, two, three.

That's your daughter.

That's my niece.

My house, my rules. You couldn't keep your dick in your pants, could you? And

guess what we're going to do now? Because you can't keep your dick in your

pants, I'm going to teach you to keep your dick in your pants. Ready? Watch

this. Watch this. What's happening? What's happening? Just do it.

Electrical tape. What?

Oh, this shit hurts. Trouble now.

This shit hurts. Good stuff.

Don't use too much. Just do it. Oh, chastity belt. Oh, yeah, chastity belt.

Chastity belt. What? What do you think was going to happen? Pull his pants

Who? Pull my pants down. Pull his pants down. Why am I pulling them down? Just

do it.

Okay. You're wearing undies?

Yeah. Are you?

Yeah. Then pull them down. All right, I'm going to... Stop rushing me. Pull

pants down. I ain't pulling them down. Can I pull them down?

Okay. I'm going to pull them down, all right?

Okay.

I feel so weird. Just pull his pants down.

I'm pulling them down. I'm sorry.

Get under there. Under there.

Get under.

Get under.

Get under.

Thank you.

You don't know why he mixes ice cream with sexual... I know.

He's been kissing your daughter with that. Yeah, okay, Dad. What's wrong with

you, kid? Give me that. Your filthy tongue.

You can't help yourself.

I want to go home now, please.

Can I go home?

Yeah, you can. I think you should. But before you go, I need you to do

something.

What?

Oh, you're probably not going to like it, but I want you to break up with

Yeah, cool.

Can I go now?

Yeah.

Well, hang on. Just, when you do it, make sure, you know, you do it gently.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Can I get my sex stuff back, maybe?

No, no, I'll be keeping them.

Okay.

Well done.

You've done the right thing.

You're a good dad, mate.

Yeah, thanks, Josh.

I wonder how big your thing actually is.

I don't want to think about that. No, I'm just saying, you're pretty

I think it's going up. It's going up.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just don't think it's going to work anymore.

What? What are you...

I just, like, don't really feel it anymore.

After, like, that doesn't make any sense. Like, we just spent... What did

say? I know he said something. No, your dad didn't say anything. It's just,

like, just don't feel it anymore.

Sorry. Okay, whatever.

Um, I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Okay? Yeah, fine, whatever.

Thanks.

Bye. One minute.

Did it happen now, Dad?

You fucking ruined everything.

Stupid idiot.

Shit, she was really upset.

She was really upset.

Yeah. No, I think that was good.

I think we've done the wrong thing. No, that's fine.

An experienced cougar who's been caged too long.

No. This kitty is ready to let her freak out. Looking for lust, not love.

Grr.

Yes.

Yes, that's it.

All right, what name are you going to use?

Kerry Turner.

No one uses their real names on this thing. Just choose something sexy that

encapsulates you.

Okay.

It might be too much. Show me.

That's too much.

It's perfect.

Publish it.

Yay!

Well, thank you for all your help. Of course.

It's exciting.

So how long does it normally take for guys to message?

Oh, it shouldn't take too long. Okay. Yep.

I want to take it down. No, just leave it

two minutes. I promise you, you'll hear something.

Or what if no one messages?

There's probably a message on there now. Is this on silent? No, it's not on

silent. Look, I'm 59, Suze. I've made myself look silly. I'm not a slut. I'm

just an old bag.

What's that?

You go on.

Open it, open it, open it. Oh, my God.

His name's Zane.

He's a 31 -year -old electrician. Oh, my God.

What does he say?

He says, I want to spark your vag back to life.

You're so beautiful.

Oh, thank God.

Tee slut.

Tee slut.

Tee slut. Tee slut. Tee slut.

Tee slut. Tee slut. Tee slut. Tee slut.

Tee slut.

I think you're really great, and I know we've just met, and we barely know each

other, but I just... We know each other.

We know each other.

I think... Thank you so much.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry to interrupt.

Do you want an ice cream? We had extras, so... Oh, that's really sweet.

I'm all good, though, actually.

OK, yeah, no worries.

Have a good night.

Good night.

Flynn, actually, can I ask a really huge favour?

I'm actually really struggling with my monologue right now and I was wondering

as a favour if maybe you could watch me and give me some notes.

Yeah, no, sure, yeah. Yeah, of course. OK, cool.

OK, thank you.

It's called Love Note.

Okay. Thank you.

Hey, Zach.

I really need to tell you something. And before you speak, I just need to... I

need to get this off of my mind before I check in out.

I'm the one who's been leaving those notes.

And I know that we...

barely know each other and i know that i mean this is like the most i've ever

spoken but i feel tingly when i think of you and

when i feel close to you and i think

i think i love you i

love you too what

What? Did you just say I love you?

It's not coming off. What did you put a 17 -year -old's cock ring on for?

I wanted to see what the fuss was all about.

I feel like shit, boys.

You didn't put it on him.

Oh, no, not about the cock ring.

Sammy was so upset, wasn't she?

Bugger her being upset.

My knob's turning purple.

I'm just going to go and see if she's all right.

Stick your fingers in it. Oh, yeah.

And, like, leverage it. My fucking finger's stuck in it. Give us a look.

Fucking... Is the problem the fact that you've got an erection?

That's never a problem, usually.

Hey.

Where's Tammy?

She went outside the back.

No, Ash went home.

No, he didn't.

Do you guys have sex?

Yeah.

Do you use a condom?

No.

Yeah. Righto, so it says you've got to apply a water -based personal lubricant.

I'm the sole operator. That's fine.

I'm not going to touch your cock, Dad.

Water -based personal lubricant. Whatever.

Apply a liberal amount, alright, liberal amount, to the base of the shaft.

Don't do it so violently. It's cold. I'm making it warm. Put it on the base of

your shaft and pull upwards. That's what it says.

Hang on.

What's up? You all right?

Sammy's pregnant.

He's pregnant.

What's that smell?

What?

Someone dropped a yogurt in here. It's disgusting.

Where are we going?

Why?

Because your dad stole a 17 -year -old's condoms.

Oh.