Original subtitles

Did you get that?

Hey? Oh, yes, Sammy, it's in the boot. Can you grab it, please? No.

Sammy, please, that'd be difficult tonight. Dad, I don't even eat them.

Sammy, please, just... You always get the full fat ones. I've told you so many

times I don't eat full fat. Dad, just get them.

It's not over this.

I like them, Dad.

Thanks, Dad.

Just tonight, please. Can we just have one night where you're not, you know,

raging against the machine?

Just... Hang on a sec, please.

Yeah. You look great, by the way.

Oh, thanks.

I mean, I always wear this, but... Oh, and I was just going to say, um,

tonight... Do you feel like having a... special night

tonight?

Uh... Only if you want to.

Yeah, maybe not tonight. I'm just... I'm really shattered. Probably too tired.

Yeah. Yeah, I can't. Should we go in? Just because it's... It has, like...

been eight.

Yeah, well, I mean...

We've had a lot on.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know how long it's actually been, though?

I don't know. Three weeks? Three months.

Glenn, it hasn't been three months. No, it hasn't been three months because I

actually documented the last special night we had on my calendar.

You've been counting the days we haven't had sex?

Well... That's not normal, Glenn.

Yeah, the red dots are not special night. I'm saying special night.

Oh, okay.

Is tonight going to be another red dot night?

Yeah. No. Yeah.

Jesus, Glenn, I just told you I'm shattered. I don't want to have sex.

Shh. Yeah.

Okay.

Glenn. Hmm? Can you please not make a big deal of this and get shit advice

your dad and your brother?

If I would.

Three months.

Yeah. You lose.

Oh, here we go. Show us your dick.

I bet it looks like a bicycle grip. Shut up. I don't want Susan here. She

doesn't like it when I... She doesn't like it when I tell you guys about our

stuff. Oh, you've got to knit that stuff in the bud quick, mate. For three

months could turn into three years before you know it. Hey, when your

I were your age, we'd have... Cut that one short. You want to hear about mum

you, right?

This feels like... I don't know, it just feels like we're roommates.

Yeah. Well, if it's any consolation, it's super common. I've got clients that

come to the gym all the time and they tell me all of their shit. It is really,

really common. And the best part is that it's fixable. Really? Listen to your

brother, mate. He knows women like his old man.

How do you get the rabbit into the foxhole?

What he's saying is, how are you getting the honey onto the toast, mate?

Exactly.

Sorry, I don't know, I don't have any idea what you guys are talking about.

are you initiating sex?

Oh, can you guys just say that? Like, do we have to do the weird, like, weird

language? Do you have to be such a tough cock? Okay, I walk up to her and I just

say, excuse me, Susan, can we have, like, a special night?

A special night. See, I knew you were going, this is how I knew you were going

to... A special night.

What am I supposed to do? Women like dominance, mate.

You walk up and you say to them, You and me, we're having sex.

Okay, that did sound pretty good, actually.

So give it a go.

Yeah, I've been too soft.

So I'll walk up and I'll just go, Susan, we're having sex tonight.

Perfect. But what about the kids? Because I've got to put the kids down.

I add that in to that?

Like, do I go, Susan, I'm putting the kids down and then we're having sex

tonight.

Just stop. There's too many words. Okay, yeah. I'm overthinking it. I'm

overthinking it.

You walk up, you grab her by the back of the head, you give her a big kiss, and

she'll know what's coming next. Okay.

He's a fanny wizard, this kid.

Secondly, and most importantly, what's the state of the old fella?

What do you mean?

When was the last time you trimmed your tube? Oh.

Well,

I don't do that.

Ever? Yeah, I just don't do it.

You can do it.

Give us a look.

No, thank you. No, you should.

Give us a look. Show him. Give him a look. Okay, I don't know why you come up

close with the tongs, okay? Give him a look. I'm going to.

Stop forcing it.

This feels weird. Oh, come on. You used to piddle on me in the bath all the

time. Yeah, well, it's grown a lot since you last seen it. Yeah, yeah, prove it.

It's fine. It's just like, you know, it's a little bit bushy, but nothing.

Jesus.

That's the most awful thing I've ever seen in my life. I've shared locker

with blokes.

For 30 years, I've never seen a bush like that. Just put it away.

Have you got clippers?

Yeah, but there's nothing inside the house that'll fix that.

It'll have to come from the garden shed.

Who is it?

Roger's having an affair.

Granddad? Mm -hmm.

With who? Well, you know how it was his birthday last Tuesday?

Yeah. Well, I wanted to get him a Thai massage voucher from Lee. You know the

masseuse he likes down the road. Sure.

So I go online.

One star.

Right. And I think he loves that place.

One star.

So I read all the reviews.

Dodgy place.

Shit massage.

I mean, Kev, that doesn't necessarily mean... One said clearly this place is a

happy ending joint.

Okay, it does sound like a happy ending joint. He came back, showered, because

he doesn't like all the oils on his skin, and I grabbed his jocks.

I can't believe I'm asking this, but what do they look like? Well, it's not

they look like, Susan, it's what they smell like.

Yes, correct.

What?

Tiger balm.

Okay, I mean, they use tiger balm all over. In the crotch area.

Okay, tiger balm shouldn't be in the crotch area.

He has been going to that place for ten years.

Kerry. Oh, I'm really sorry. That's messed up.

What are you going to do?

I know exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm going to have an affair of my own.

Boop.

Fucking pod.

You've been stalking her for weeks. Just go up and say hey and stop acting like

a creep.

I can't, all right? Every time I see her at school, I freak out.

Go up and say hey. It's not that hard.

What, just go up and say hey, hello?

No, don't. No, don't say hello.

What's wrong with that?

Because it's too formal, Flynn. You're 15.

So just say hey, Violet. No, Jesus, Flynn. No, you don't say her name.

You're so terrible at this. Why?

Because then she'll think you've been thinking about her. Well, I have.

Lynn, don't say her name.

Okay. Just go up and say, hey.

Okay? It's easy.

Okay. Yeah, okay. Yes, I will. Yes.

Amazing. Yay.

How's that look? That's pretty good, yeah? Mate, you've barely touched it.

on. Listen, I know it's daunting having your first trim, but you're 38 years

old, bro.

Think about it this way. The shorter you go, the better chances you've got of

getting a root tonight, right?

Shit, all right, you do it.

I'm happy to. Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing. All right, I'm doing it,

Okay.

Hang on a minute.

What's that? That looks way too short. Is that the right length? No, if you

to use it for Dad. Hey, the gun with this thing, mate, that reminds me. I

bit of backdoor action there for another appointment. Dad, I'm not doing that

anymore. I told you to go to the shops for that. Can we just do this before I

lose the nerve? Okay, here we go. Here we go. Ready?

Okay. Coming in. And.

It feels like a lot's coming off. Very, very, very professional.

That's really good craftsmanship done. Hang on, hang on.

Yeah.

Nice. Okay.

Well, let's have a good look at it, eh?

Is it done?

What are you doing?

Look. Just have a look.

Holy shit, it looks massive.

Now he's a turner. Yeah, but hang on, hang on, hang on. We haven't won the

final yet, boys.

Now comes the dangerous part.

Yeah? Hang on, what? Dangerous?

I've got to do your sack.

It's hard access.

Tough terrain.

If I nick your sack, it bleeds like hell.

Okay. Well, we'll just skip the sack. No, we're not. No, you can't go half and

half. We can't do half and half. It'll freak her out. It's freaking me out.

Well, it's freaking me out. I don't want to do my sack now. Hey, listen.

Listen. Yeah.

For the past 20 years, I've been trimming my nuts, and Dad's for the last

What is he doing to yours, Dad? Well, it's a young man's game. I can hardly

reach down there anymore. Ask us how many times I've nicked a nut.

How many?

Never.

Oh.

Okay, just do it. Come on. Let's just get this done, man.

Listen, I need you to take a deep breath and hold really still, okay?

Ready? Yep. You move, it ain't smooth.

Your breath is so bad, Dad.

Lift it up for me.

Hang on, am I lifting my sack or my dick? It's sack.

Okay.

I've nicked your sack.

Thank you, Carrie. I really believe... Come on, doll. Just have a smell for me.

Okay. Just a quick sniff. Just wait, wait, wait.

Yep, it's tiger balm.

I knew it.

I'm sold.

Oh, yeah, that's just Roger. He's always had a salty nut.

Oh,

well, that's it then. I'm doing it.

Hook me up on Rider, Suze.

Huh? Or Bumble or whatever it is that the young ones are using for the random

hookups.

What? I just need you to show me the PDF and how to install it.

Oh, right, the PDF.

You just download the app, Kaz.

Oh, okay. Well, can you download that for me?

Yeah.

Sure. Ashley, Carrie, do you mind? Can we get rid of Grandad's job, please? Oh,

sorry. Yeah, I'll just... I probably need a bit of a soak in sunlight.

Yeah, you do that.

Introduce me. Introduce me. Just try and introduce me, please.

Lynn, I actually helped you, like, 20 minutes ago, and you shit yourself.

Yeah, I know, all right? But look at her. She's so hot, all right? Just...

What do you want from me?

I don't know, just... What are you going to give me?

I'm not going to do this shit for free. All right, yes, I'll do your... What's

your cut line for this week?

Okay, make it a month.

Okay, yeah, fine.

And the $50 that Grandma gave you, because you've got a B - in English.

All right, yes, you can have it all, okay?

Just, you know, find a way to introduce us naturally.

Okay, Flynn, I don't need advice from you now. Are you kidding? Yes, all

Okay, just, you know, make me look cool, okay?

Yes. Act natural. Shut the fuck up.

Hey. Hey.

Hi. Oh, hey.

Hi. I like your sunbed. Thank you.

Yeah.

I'm Violet.

Sammy. Nice to meet you. This is... Anyway,

I'll let you get back to it. Okay, I'll see you around. Okay, bye. Okay, bye.

Bye.

Dad, stop putting beer on my sack.

All right?

I'll get the Band -Aids. No, he's not dying.

Just use the cheap shit ones.

Here.

Electrical pay.

That'll do.

Careful, careful, careful, careful, careful, careful.

It's right on the head. I need another little bit. Hang on.

Just not too tight, because I don't want them to go purple. Okay, there we go.

Shit, thank God for that.

It looks great.

I don't think it's even bleeding anymore.

Can I have, chuck me a couple of ice cubes, eh? I'm not wasting bloody damn

ice cubes on that.

It's $4 a bag.

Now, come on, let's eat. The roast is ready.

Let's go.

Roast ready.

It doesn't look too bad at all, eh?

It's come up good, eh?

Yeah.

Nicked to the factor now, but it's still a thousand times better than it was

before. Yeah, so you reckon it's workable for tonight?

100%. Yeah?

Mm -hmm.

100%. You get in there, and you kiss her like you're the alpha male.

Shit. Okay.

Yeah, okay. Give her a real good, strong kiss.

Drive home. She's going to be thinking about it.

That's definite sex.

100%. That's definite sex. Hey, Dad.

Okay.

Thanks for this, boys. I really appreciate it. No dramas.

You can put your pants up now, Glenn.

I'm sick of seeing you stalk, mate. Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay.

It's ready.

Okay, so what do I do?

Okay, so here you go. You get presented with men's profiles.

And if you like what you see, you swipe right.

And if you don't like it, you swipe left.

Okay, so swipe right for yes.

Yes. Okay.

But just, you know, take your time. Have a look at the photos.

Scroll through.

Oh, yes.

Swipe, swipe, straight off the bat. They're all my size.

Okay, but you don't have to say yes straight away. You can just, you know,

sure you... Right

is yes. Mm -hmm.

I might just go and get the kids ready.

Hey. Come.

Come on.

What's that?

Eh? Seems weird.

Take your pants off?

We're good or we're bad? Take your pants off.

Take your pants off, Glenn.

You told your brother and your father about us, didn't you? I'm so sorry. They

were trying to help. I'm sorry.

Top five halfbacks.

Origin halfbacks. Origin?

Hey!

Who did this?

Who did this? We... Who did this? We... We both did. No, Tommy mainly.

Oh, Dad.

What? I splashed a bit of beer on it. You are pathetic.

Oh, come on, babe.

You're supposed to be grown men.

Oh, go easy. They're just... They were trying to help, OK? Help?

You look like a 12 -year -old boy.

I was trying to make it look bigger. I just wanted to turn you on.

Glenn, our 15 -year -old son has more pubes than you. You look like a child.

no, I am not turned on.

And why is there tape on his ball?

It's industrial electrical tape to stop the bleeding. Why is he bleeding?

Because Nick's his sack.

What?

I nicked his sack.

With the clippers.

Red dot night.

So it's probably a red dot knot.

Yeah.

See you next week, guys.

See you, man.

Hey.

Hey.

Dad, did you seriously save all of your people?

Yes, I did. I didn't. Tommy did.

What?

I wasn't going to go that short, babe. Tommy said it needed to be short. This

isn't a pube problem, Glenn.

Okay,

what is it then?

So I can know why we haven't had sex for three months.

Oh,

God.