Original subtitles

Maybe the world is blind or just a little unkind.

Don't know.

Seems you can't be sure of anything anymore.

I have my skirt hemmed.

Well, you shouldn't be embarrassed.

None of your friends are going to see you.

Besides, everyone knows you're all dog.

You're welcome.

Isn't it great miniskirts are coming back?

Fortunately, you've got the legs for them.

I better go get you some milk to wash down the thorium.

Hello?

Good afternoon. Is this H. Warnemont?

No, it's P.

Brewster. Well, it doesn't matter as long as you have a little ambition and a

lot of cash.

Huh?

Congratulations, P. Brewster. This is the luckiest day of your life.

It is?

Tell me, are you tired of never having enough cash, scrimping and saving,

cutting corners and still ending up short?

Hey, who are you calling short?

With just a small investment, I can help you add hundreds, no, thousands of

dollars to your yearly income.

Are you interested?

Sure. What do I have to do?

Don't worry.

It's nothing kinky. A child could do it.

Now you're talking.

Here's a nice front row seat.

Will this take long?

I have snow to shovel.

Oh, relax, Henry.

Don't get your ear flaps in an uproar.

Allow me to introduce Miss Punky Brewster.

Thank you, Miss Johnson.

Carrie and I are proud to announce that we want to go in business for ourselves.

Good. I can't wait to hear about it.

We want to sell Lady Contempo cosmetics.

And all we need from you guys is $500.

Meeting adjourned.

Wait! That includes the sample kit and the official distributor's license.

But $500 is a lot of money.

Henry, Henry, Henry.

You've got to spend money to make money.

Then you should have invited a millionaire to this meeting.

Henry, these children are showing some ambition.

The least we can do is hear them out.

But... That's right. Put it there.

Look at all this fabulous stuff. Lady Kintepo has everything.

Wrinkle -away.

Skin cream.

Hair conditioner.

Men's cologne.

Mmm, this hand cream feels smooth.

Mmm. The cologne is very provocative, yet naive.

Interesting blend. Has legs.

Listen to what Miss Spalding Keebler from Bemidji, Minnesota has to say.

Lady Contempo face cream brought new meaning to my face.

My husband loves the new me, and so does my boyfriend.

Henry, this... This might be a good idea.

Every woman I know spends a fortune on cosmetics.

That's because every woman you know is ugly.

And think of all the ugly people we know. Just in this building alone.

If we do invest, what can we expect for our $500?

I need one item from this sample kit as our gift to you.

There's more snow being shoveled in here than outside.

Please, make us an offer.

Well, the way I see it, if we put up 100 % of the initial investment, we should

get back at least 50 % of the profits.

Thank you, Payne Webber.

Boy, you drive a hard bargain.

But we can live with it.

How about it, Henry? Is it a deal?

All right.

It's a deal.

You're late.

I am?

Yes. We agreed to meet at 8 o 'clock. And according to Mickey here, it's 8

I was hungry.

So I wanted to eat some breakfast.

Cherry, we're in business.

Business people are supposed to be punctual.

Do you think we'll eat Iacocca? We'd be late just so we could stuff his face.

Well, from the looks of it, you might say he stuffed his face a few times.

get started. Are there any questions?

Just one. When's lunch?

You are hopeless.

Actually, I'm nervous. I've never sold anything door to door before.

The most important thing is sincerity.

Now, give me a nice sincere smile.

Forget sincere.

Just do what I do, okay?

Okay, as long as one of the things you do is have lunch.

Who is it?

It's Punky and Sherry.

Be right with you, girls.

One of the best sales techniques is to flatter them.

Let's flatter Mrs.

Yurtsoff.

I'll try, but I know I'll laugh if she isn't wearing her teeth.

Care for a cookie?

Nothing.

I'll take them.

I haven't eaten lunch yet.

Well, now, what can I do for you?

Oh, well, we were going to try and sell you some cosmetics.

But it's obvious you don't need any.

Oh, come on.

Really?

Well, we've got skin cream, but your skin is already so smooth.

Yeah, and you're lucky to have so much of it.

great for double chins.

But all your chins are really lovely.

It would be hard to decide which ones you go.

Cherry lay off her chins. But Henry says she needs a bookmark to find her

pearls.

You know, honey, I think I will take some of this skin tightener.

Smells just like lilac. Oh, I think I'll take a bottle of this, too.

What size will she be? Small, medium, or blue?

Margot, could I interest you in some Lady Contempo nail polish?

I have my own manicurist.

How about some shampoo?

I have my own beautician.

How about some body oil?

I have my own masseuse.

How about buying all this stuff anyway, because you're rich?

Okay.

Henry, great news! We're hit!

After lunch, we sold $900 worth of beauty gunk.

That's wonderful!

Punky, Cherry, I want to congratulate you both on your efforts to rise out of

this lower...

poverty pit.

Thanks, Margo.

We're almost completely sold out. All we have left is one bottle of bubble bath.

You want it, Margo? It'll save you the trouble of putting your money away.

Good idea.

I'm gonna buy a new skateboard with my money. How about you, Punky?

I'm taking Henry to Disneyland.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

We could waste our profits on frivolities, or we could reinvest this

more cosmetics, and triple our profits. What do you think?

Triple our profits works for me.

Leave the dishes for later. We've got to get down to Lady Contempo and buy more

stuff.

And this morning, I woke up next to it.

Look on the bright side, Henry.

It'll save you about two years' worth of haircut.

And spend it all on sunscreen for my head?

Who is this?

It's Betty.

That's all I need.

Her making fun of me.

I give up.

How do I get this mask off?

It's supposed to peel off.

I peeled. I scrubbed. I chipped.

I even got on my knees and begged.

Nothing.

You want my opinion? It's an improvement.

Why are you wearing that stupid hat?

Target for ridicule, right?

Agreed. We have the clear choice of either totally humiliating each other or

showing compassion for each other, not mentioning one word about our respective

problems. What do you say?

It's a deal, melonhead.

Melonhead? Yeah, I would have called you Mr.

Clean, but you're 40 years too old and 50 pounds too flat.

I wouldn't talk if I were you.

You look like a smurf with a gland problem.

Mr. Yutsov, we'll refund your money.

Tempo shampoo fried his head.

Hello?

Oh, Mrs. Rufferman.

Oh, you tried Lady Contempo massage oil.

lady can temple and make mincemeat out of.

I can't. Daddy's flying me to the Mayo Clinic.

Hold the mayo.

Itching will go away.

I'm sure it will.

I'm sorry, Margo.

Not as sorry as you're gonna be when you get the bill.

Look, everybody, I'll go and get dressed.

Then we'll go down to the Lady Contempo headquarters, calmly explain our

problem, and request a refund for our capital investment.

Well, what if they don't give it back?

This is room 315.

Maybe they went to lunch.

I wonder what they're having.

Good afternoon, Lady Contempo. All of our order takers are busy now.

Please hold.

That's the same message I got when I called.

You could have been on hold all the way through high school.

Gang, I think we've been had.

Check around.

a clue where he went.

Look what we found.

Here's a bottle of shampoo.

Here's a bottle of Contempo Furniture Stripper.

It's the same stuff with different labels.

No wonder my hair fell out.

I'm lucky I have skin.

And look.

The face.

is in the same jar as the kitchen floor wet.

Well, at least your face won't get waxy yellow buildup.

Hey, what are you folks doing here?

It's him!

Hey, what are you doing, lady?

I'm getting you ready for a contemptible coffin.

Chicago Police Department?

Sergeant Denko from Punco.

Oh, pleased to meet you. Yeah. I'm a registered nurse.

I want you to consider that deep muscle massage on the house.

Have you caught these guys yet?

Nah, it's the third time I've missed them.

They set up in a boiler room like this, make a couple of hundred calls, and reel

in some gullible dolts who throw their cash after a pipe dream.

Boy, do I feel stupid.

This guy's been working scams all across the country.

He preys on people's greed and the desire to make a quick million.

And if it's not cosmetics, it's cheap condos or free Hawaiian holidays.

In some cases, people lose their life savings and end up looking like that.

Well, if folks come with me, we'll make a statement.

Well, whatever it takes to book them, Dan -o.

You're welcome.

Aren't you coming, Punky?

There's something I don't understand.

That guy who called me was out to rob me from the very beginning?

I'm afraid so.

Why would anyone do that?

Some people just aren't as honest as they should be.

I'll never trust anyone again.

No, that's not the answer either.

Remember the first time you fell off your bike?

Yeah, that hurt.

But you didn't throw your bike away.

Kept on riding.

Only you became more careful.

It's the same with people.

Just because you meet one bad one, you don't stop trusting everyone.

You just become more careful.

That's pretty smart.

I'm so smart.

Why am I the only guy in Chicago who loves his money and his hair?

Hello, Kate.

Which one of you clowns this lady can temple?