Original subtitles

Maybe the world is blind Or just a little unkind

Don't know Seems you can't be sure

Of anything anymore Although

You

Food's ready for the drive -in.

Got fried chicken, hot buttermilk biscuits, coleslaw, and chocolate cake.

Is that all?

Well, it ought to at least get us through the cartoons.

Henry always parks too far away from the snack bar.

Here's a little more food in case we run out.

No popcorn?

I'm Sister Mary Malcolm from Our Lady of Perpetual Agony.

Oh, come on in.

Our Lady of Perpetual Agony?

Is that a hospital?

No, a convent.

The hospital is Our Lady of Perpetual Payment.

We're collecting used clothing and household items.

We're trying to raise enough money so we can get a new furnace.

We froze last winter.

I guess that makes you a blue nun.

So, is there anything you'd care to donate?

Oh, I'm sure we have some junk.

I was right.

gold sweater anymore.

Wait a minute. It looks like his gardening sweater.

You're right. There's bandini in the pocket.

How about these old magazines?

No, not the National Geographic.

Henry says they'll be worth something someday.

He probably likes the pictures of the island girls.

Although I doubt it.

Here's something we don't need.

It's a lovely piece, dear.

Do you really want to give it away?

Yeah, I'm sure we don't need it. How do you know?

Because I've never seen it before.

Well, thank you very much.

This will look nice on our weird stuff table.

Well, sister, if it's weird stuff you're looking for, I have some wonderful lady

-dyed toaster covers and two old dresses that are a little tight.

I'm not as thin as I used to be. Oh, who is?

I fight a constant battle with my weight.

The battle of the bulge. Well, I feel for you.

With that outfit, if you put on too much weight, you'll look like a big bowling

ball.

Oh, not that you do, because you don't.

This way, sister.

You know I go to all your bingo games.

This is inexcusable. It just shows a total lack of responsibility on the part

you backseat people.

We just forgot to put the speaker back.

But don't worry. First thing tomorrow morning, I'll glue your car window back

to... None of this would have happened if we'd watched the movie from where I

suggested.

Henry, the point of a drive -in movie is to drive into it.

Not park across the street and try to read lips.

Especially Doberman lips.

Besides, I'm the one who should be angry.

I'm too dignified to be snuck into a drive -in in a trunk.

I gave you half the money we saved.

Well, 250 doesn't make up for the fact that I was lying on jumper cables while

Brandon was sitting on the front seat on a pillow.

They don't charge for dogs.

Come to think of it, you might have gotten in free, too.

You're lucky I'm tired.

Otherwise, you'd find out what it's like to swallow a speaker.

Let's go, Jerry.

Seat stealer.

I'll read it to you.

It's got a phone number, and it says, The German Shepherd answers, Hang up.

Let's go put this in your Rolodex.

Thanks a lot, Henry. Took me an hour to straighten that up.

Spocky, did you happen to see a small brass urn in here?

Certainly irreplaceable.

How come?

Frankie, sit down.

I didn't want to mention this because I didn't want to upset you, but that urn

contains the ashes of my late Aunt Mabel.

You mean late like not on time or late like...

Dead. More like dead.

Ew!

Henry, I've got clothes in that closet.

What is a dead person doing next to our coat? You see, her son Archie was still

in the Navy when she passed away, so he asked me to take care of her until he

got out.

And now he's out?

Yes.

He found a lovely resting place for her in Evanston.

I'm going to drive her there tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow?

But I just met Aunt Mabel.

I mean, maybe she likes it here with that.

I doubt it. Believe it or not, I was one of her least favorite people.

She didn't like you?

She had the nerve to call me cheap.

You?

Can you believe it?

Didn't bother me, though.

She was an honorary old cuss. Hated everybody.

Especially Catholics.

Boy, Brandon, I've really done it this time.

You're right. I am dead meat.

When Henry finds out I've given his Aunt Mabel whale... Wait a minute. The key

word here is...

I'm in big trouble.

We believe it.

You know that funny -looking jar I gave to the nun?

Yeah. Do you know what was in there? Nope.

Henry's dead Aunt Mabel.

Gee, she must have been awful short.

It was her ashes.

Henry spent all morning tearing the closet apart, looking for her while I

dumb. What's the problem? Just keep playing dumb.

You're good at it.

but I can only play dumb for so long.

Sooner or later, I'm going to have to cough up her ashes.

I didn't put that very well.

Let's concentrate and think of something.

I've got it.

You're good.

We go to the convent, explain what happened, and ask them to return Aunt

We put her back in the closet, and Henry will just think he...

says it's important to treat them as if they have feelings.

But Margo!

Even though I can't accompany you on your adventure, at least let me finance

Here, take money.

Toodles.

Well, Cherry, I guess just you and me.

Forget it, Punky. You're not gonna drag me into this one. Uh -uh, no way, never.

Well, here we are.

Yep, here we are.

Didn't take long to get here, did it?

Nope. Pretty convenient convent.

Pretty convenient.

We'll just ask them to give back Aunt Mabel and that'll be it.

Probably just another Jehovah's Witness.

Hi.

We're looking for Sister Mary Malcolm.

She was collecting stuff for a rummage sale.

Sister Mary Malcolm left this morning to go on a retreat.

Well, you see, she took this urn and... I don't have time to chat, dear.

Monsignor MacGuffin is coming for lunch, and the silly goose is late.

Well, maybe he had a flat tire.

No.

The monsignor isn't late.

The butcher is sending over a goose.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to shuck my call.

But you don't understand. Bye.

Sorry.

Bless you.

Great. Now what?

Why don't you just tell him what happened and then beg for mercy?

Cherry, I gave away his dead relative.

Would you give me mercy?

Nope. I'd ground you for life.

Wait a second.

Is that enough?

So?

So what's stopping us from going inside, finding Aunt Mabel, and getting out

before we ever noticed?

Eternal damnation for one thing.

Let's go.

Sorry, God.

She's making me do this.

Just keep walking forward.

Hey, let go of my doll.

We need a system going here. Okay, so this side will go right.

And this side will go left.

And this is the signal to go forward.

sisters. Oh, you're all looking so well today.

Wow, you're a tall one.

It makes me feel closer to heaven.

I don't believe we've met, sister.

Ah, Sister Mary Cherry.

Pleased to meet you, my senor. Pleased to meet you, Sister Mary Cherry.

Sisters, please be seated.

You're recruiting them rather young, Mother Superior.

Oh, my dear me, Monsignor. I don't know how those children got in here.

I'll have them put out immediately.

Oh, no, no, please.

Let them stay.

Stay?

I'll need a bigger goose.

Mother Superior, your goose will be just fine.

I want to see what these children are up to.

Trouble. That's what they're up to.

Sister Mary Cherry, aren't you going to sit?

Uh, yes.

I would like to sit.

Right.

Now.

A magnificent goose, Mother Superior.

Corn, sister?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Heard any good prayers lately?

No, but I have heard there have been some security problems here at the

Security problems?

What kind of security problems?

Well, say, um, someone... Someone breaks into a convent and, um... Say,

someone wears a habit and impersonates a nun.

Wow, that's awful.

Salt! Excuse me, did you say something, sister?

Uh, pass the salt, please.

Oh, here.

Uh, I'm saving it for later.

After Vespers, perhaps?

Oh, yes, Vespring always makes me hungry.

Father, no way!

Ow! Don't you like your corn, sister?

I'm sure it's delicious.

What would happen if a couple of people were caught impersonating an N?

Well, for one thing, it would depend whether it was a first offense.

Oh, it is.

Still, such an irreverent act would have very serious consequences.

What was that?

Gas bubbles.

What if these fake nuns had a good reason for nun faking? There is

excuse for nun faking.

wrap for this one. All right, you two. I think it's time for a full explanation.

Okay.

Well, you see, we accidentally gave this jar to one of the nuns for their

rummage sale.

Yes.

The problem is the jar is full of Aunt Mabel's ashes.

Oh, my.

Well, we must return this jar to you.

Now,

Can you describe it so we can find it?

Uh, it's that jar.

I should have

had a beer.

They spelled a perfectly good dead person.

You know what kept running through my mind?

If only we had a dust buster.

Hello, girls.

Hi.

Bunky, I have something to tell you.

I have something to tell you first.

Aunt Mabel's gone.

No, she's not. I found her.

You did? Yes.

She was in the basement.

I bought four of these urns to get...

The quantity discount.

Mistakenly, I put an empty urn in the closet.

So Aunt Mabel's been in the basement all this time. Isn't that funny?

What a scream.

I still can't find the urn that was in the closet.

Oh, that's what I was going to tell you. We accidentally gave that other urn

away. I'm really sorry, Henry. Oh, don't worry.

We'll just put Uncle Bernie in Tupperware.

Just kidding.

Forget the urn. No big deal.

No big deal? I have to carry her on my shoulders for two hours.

Cherry, he's not interested in details.

Yes, I am.

What was Punky doing on your shoulders?

Well, see, we had to keep the nun's habit from dragging on the floor.

The nun's habit?

Yeah, we had to wear one or we'd be kicked out of the convent. Convent?

What were you doing in a convent, Punky?

She never could keep her mouth shut.