Original subtitles

♪ Look up there ♪

-♪ What do you see? ♪ -♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

[all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪

-♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ -[all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪

-♪ Catch some fish ♪ -♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Hup, the Great North ♪

-♪ Here we live ♪ -[all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪

-♪ Here we'll stay ♪ -♪ Whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North ♪

[cheering]

Attention, everyone. Yes, this is still English literature class.

And... [chuckles] ...no, these aren't the bones of F. Scott Fitzgerald.

-Phew! -You all know the science class skeleton,

charmingly nicknamed Bonesy.

Well, Bonesy is being retired on Monday because apparently...

-[students groaning] -...it is no longer deemed acceptable

to have a skeleton made of real bones in the classroom.

So everybody say good-bye to Bonesy. This is his farewell tour.

Hug the ones you love.

You never know when this damn journey called life will end.

And, thankfully, we will also be saying good-bye to the Bonesy prank.

No!

Yes. Good riddance to the annoying prank

where one student steals Bonesy from the closet,

puts it on another student's porch,

and then that student has to return it to school

without getting caught by a teacher.

Um, question.

Are you just being so negative, because you are the only teacher

who's never felt the glory of catching a student returning Bonesy

and sentencing them to a week of detention?

I don't care about that.

-No one does. -[snickers] Oh, really?

Then why is the chalkboard in the teacher's lounge

completely devoted to keeping track of that very thing?

It's not. And it's an automatic F if you mention that again.

-You can't do that. -I can do whatever I want.

Except catch us returning Bonesy.

-[students jeering, laughing] -Whoo.

Silence. [clears throat]

Now, Gill, would you please wheel this to the next classroom?

♪ In the arms of the angel ♪

I can't believe that, in 48 hours, no one will ever be bonesyed again.

RIP classic Lone Moose prank.

Even though I got detention when I was bonesyed,

it was still the most breathtaking experience of my life.

And I've seen Penn & Teller live in Vegas.

[chuckles] Oh, well, it's even better when you don't get caught.

The Tobins are kind of like Bonesy legends. [sighs]

We're tied for most family returns with the Weakmarie triplets:

Jimothy, Tawny and Brandlin.

Ugh. Gorgeous and good at returning skeletons?

It's just not fair.

But there are four Tobin kids.

So, wouldn't that make you, guys, the champs?

[groans] Ham's never been bonesyed.

What? Aw, Ham. That sucks.

To never have that shot at glory, to never feel the thrill of immortality.

Ugh. It's so sad.

Yeah. Yep. I agree. What a shame.

I would have loved to have done it,

'cause, you know, I'm very brave and just a fun-loving daredevil

who doesn't care what teachers think about him.

But... [screams]

Oh, no. I spilled soup all over my lap. I gotta get to the nurse right now.

Oh, Ham, your poor wiener. Do you want me to go with you?

No. I must go alone.

Bill, bank statement...

Ooh, a letter from my dad!

Hah! Abraham Leg-coln. Back at it.

Whoa, nice gams, Louis. Someone's not skipping leg day.

Honeybee, I didn't realize your dad was a historical leg model.

[chuckles] He wishes.

This was taken in the parking lot of Get Shorties.

Fresno's Biggest Shorts Outlet.

Dad and I would always camp out overnight

in the line for their annual Presidents' Day sale.

Uh, live, laugh, love alert.

We'd play games and drink wine coolers.

Then, come morning, we'd trample folks to get deeply discounted shorts.

It was our thing. Uh-oh. [sniffles]

Now I'm missing Dad.

-And trampling. -Aw. Don't be sad, my stomping Sandra.

I know a pretty rad dad who lives right next door.

And mi papa es su papa.

I mean, I love your dad, but we don't have a thing.

Well, then you gotta throw your hat in the thing ring.

Yeah. Maybe me and Beef could, uh, trample people for shirts or belts.

That's the spirit.

Ooh, get Dad a crop top. He needs something for when we go clubbing.

Sweetie, you do not go clubbing.

We do not go clubbing yet.

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Dad, another delicious plain pasta with butter meal.

Do you ever stop kissing his A?

A-bsolutely not.

So, uh, Beef, I was wondering if you wanted to, uh, have a hang soon?

Sounds great. I'll be reorganizing the wood pile by log size after dinner,

and I would love a conversation partner.

Uh, no. To clarify, I meant something fun.

Oh. Well, actually, tomorrow is my annual ice fishing day out.

Oh... [stammers] Honeybee, maybe...

If you wanna tag along, I'd love to have you.

-No, no, no, no, no. -Sure. Maybe that could become our thing.

-Oh, boy. -Get ready for a day

filled with excitement and adrenaline.

I went ice fishing once.

We were fishing for my pal Elsie's cousin, who had fallen under.

We caught him, but his butt crack had frozen over,

and he had to poop out the front from then on.

I don't believe you.

And I don't care.

Touché.

All right, Honeybee. We leave at sunrise tomorrow.

I better go finish my mixtape for the drive.

I hope you enjoy the haunting melodies of Shawn Colvin as much as I do.

[giggles]

Oh, good. I just love it when a table full of white people stares at me.

Sorry, Honeybee, but I can't believe you volunteered to go ice fishing with dad.

That is definitely not gonna be your thing.

It is so boring. It's actually terrifying.

What's so bad about it?

It's extremely cold, and Dad doesn't even like to talk.

You just sit there.

I love outdoor stuff, but when I tried it,

the quiet and cold opened a dark kingdom in my mind from which I barely returned.

You can't stay awake, but it's too cold to fall asleep,

so you enter this kinda limbo dream state.

[quivers] The visions.

Yeah. I saw the green Teletubby in there. He was eating Michelle from Full House.

[quivers] Oh, yep. It shows you your worst nightmares.

Hmm. Well, my worst nightmare involves this monster

who has eyes all over his body.

All over? Even his butt?

Especially his butt.

But I'm not worried about being bored.

My doctor in Fresno diagnosed me as medically fun.

-All right. Suit yourself. -I will.

Okay. Gonna go rustle up some Mad Libs and a few wine coolers

to bring with us tomorrow.

That girl's gonna die.

-[Ham] Oh, yeah. -[Moon] RIP.

All right, Mr. Tobin, let's get our ices on the road.

And pressing play.

[♪ "Sunny Came Home" plays]

♪ Sunny came home with a vengeance ♪

[bangs on door]

[exclaims]

I've been bonesyed?

No!

Holy hash browns, Ham. You finally got boned.

Oh, this is huge.

If you pull this off, the Tobins will be the all time Bonesy kings.

You guys, I'm sorry to say this, but I don't wanna return Bonesy.

I hate getting in trouble, I hate doing sneaky stuff,

and I was so close to dodging this Bonesy bullet.

Look, I understand the nerves.

[chuckles] I diarrheaed everywhere the first time I got Bonesy. Remember?

Oh, yeah. Everywhere. All down the stairs.

But you won't understand the true thrill of pulling an epic Bonesy

until you do it, Ham.

I'll never forget my very last Bonesy return.

It was prom night, and I had just put on my tuxedo

when cheesecake showed up on my doorstep.

They got me, Wolf.

I've been bonesyed on prom night. You gotta help me.

We hopped in the car and picked up my date.

But when we got to the school, it was a madhouse.

How could we possibly sneak Bonesy inside?

Then it hit me. I had a wild plan.

Thankfully, Lara agreed to help me.

And luckily, this was during her wig phase.

Me, Cheesecake and Bonesy entered the dance. It was packed.

Bonesy and I danced for three whole songs.

Bonesy looked ravishing.

Then just as we were about to do something we'd both regret.

Cheesecake reminded me, we needed to get Bonesy back to the closet.

But almost immediately, we ran into Principal Gibbons.

Hello, boys and... Lara, Are you feeling okay?

We were an ass crack away from getting majorly busted.

But luckily, Cheesecake can vomit on command.

And, boy, did he ever come through.

The chaperone scrambled to clean up the barf,

leaving an unguarded door to the hallway.

So we made a dash for it.

And that was it. Bonesy was back,

and we'd done it right under the administration's nose.

It was absolutely epic.

Wait, why did you dance with the skeleton for three songs?

[chuckles] Oh, if you'd seen her, you'd know.

-[groans] -I'm telling you, Ham,

you'll rise to the occasion. You're a Tobin.

It's a family tradition, and we'll help you.

Good idea. He'll need us.

The teachers are probably on high alert.

Okay... [groans] ...I guess I have to try.

But it's a Saturday. How are we gonna get in?

Oh, how about Russell?

He's the head of the junior janitors. He'll have a key.

All right then. Let the bones begin.

All right. Our lines have been cast, and now we wait.

Okay, yes. But me and my dad always kicked off shorts sale night

with a few Mad Libs.

-Give me a noun. -Uh...

What'll it be? Poop? Butt? Toilet? No shame in the classics.

Um, actually, Honeybee,

ice fishing is best practiced in complete and total silence.

Oh, so that's real? The total silence stuff?

I mean, maybe we could kinda mix it up.

I brought cards, dice, a cheese board, not to mention my sparkling personality.

[chuckles] None of that will be necessary.

So we just sit here.

Yes. I mean, there's more to it than that.

We sit. We breathe.

We, uh, think?

[chuckles] Oh, no. The less you think the better.

Try to clear your mind entirely.

Try to see only this blank sheet of ice below us.

Hmm. Is it okay to have a wine cooler while I do that?

Uh, I suppose.

You want one too?

Or I bought a couple of discontinued Four Lokos off the beverage dark web.

No, thank you.

Okay. Just not talking. Just, uh, thinking about ice.

Okay, I promise I'm gonna be quiet after this,

but I just figured out which version of Batman I could be friends with.

Honeybee.

It's LEGO Batman.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hey, Moon.

Did you bring your whole family for Cinnamon Rolls Saturday?

Not cool, man. My mom only makes a dozen.

No, Russell. We need your junior janitor keys to the school.

It's an emergency. Ham got bonesyed.

Keys to the school? Are you out of your minds?

They'd never trust me with those.

I somehow lost my shirt last week during math class.

I was top up nude for social studies and gym.

Well, I guess I should just give up and move away.

I do know a window with a broken latch,

but it's on the second floor, which is a little risky.

A little risky? [scoffs] That's nothing.

My Bonesy-return plan was a lot risky.

It began when I placed a phone call to the math teacher, Mrs. Grandsper,

and told her anyone who supported our boys during World War II got a free day off.

She said... [imitating Mrs. Grandsper] ..."Thank you, Mr. President,

and God bless America."

Then I took her place and taught four periods of geometry

with Bonesy packed in an oversized purse, graded all her tests

and even ate lunch with Principal Gibbons.

Then when the coast was clear,

I simply wheeled Bonesy between classrooms right out in the open.

[Wolf] Legendary, my brother.

Now, Russell, we'll need you to show us this window.

And also bring each of us a cinnamon roll.

I will bring you one cinnamon roll and you can split it into five pieces.

[clears throat] Now, just give me a minute to get dressed.

My mom's boyfriend, Jamie, just got me some new overalls

and it does take me a moment to wriggle in.

There she blows.

All right, Russell. Thanks for your help. We'll take it from here.

This is a Tobin-only mission.

If we wanna one-up the Weakmaries,

-it has to be just us. -Then I'll take my leave.

But first, a good luck hug for each of you. Judy.

-We said get lost! -[giggles] You got it.

Okay. I believe I can get to the open window from the tree.

I'll hop in, run down and let you guys in.

I'll go with you. I've got this just in case.

Distraction is key when returning Bonesy.

In fact, my entire Bonesy plan relied on distraction.

When I had to bring him back, school was in session.

And to make matters worse,

some turncoat had told the teachers who had it.

So I wanted to up the ante a little.

-Sue me. -I knew the fuzz would be looking for me,

so I went ahead and made sure they could find me.

A lot of me's.

[chorus] ♪ Judy ♪

[singer, speaking] ♪ Now that's a lot of Judy's. ♪

[chorus, singing] ♪ Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy ♪

♪ Judy ♪

[Judy] Principal Gibbons thought he was about to put a win on the board,

but he picked the wrong Judy.

And by the time the teachers realized what was happening,

Bonesy was returned, Gibbons was humiliated,

and the Tobin legacy lived on.

[singers] ♪ Judy ♪

All right. Judy and Moon, let's go bust you in.

Ham, hang here.

So, who do you think stuck you with the bones, Ham?

There is a Wisconsin Baker on YouTube named Christopher Cakes

who isn't my biggest fan.

Seems like a pretty extreme reaction

for leaving one constructive comment on his video though.

I hear what you're saying.

You want me to find him and kill him for you.

I definitely did not say that.

Loud and clear.

Please do not find and kill Christopher Cakes.

Alexa, help me find Christopher.

I've told you a thousand times, you can't just shout that into the air.

That's not how Alexa works.

Oh, look, Moon and Judy got in. Game on, Donkey Kong.

[whimpers] Alexa, find me a way to get out of returning Bonesy.

[grunting]

[Moon grunts]

Well, well, w... [groans]

Damn it. That was supposed to look cool.

So, I spy with my little eye,

two Tobin siblings carrying a large duffel bag

on a weekend that Bonesy just happens to be missing.

Oh, crap.

I finally did it and I stopped the very last Bonesy return.

I'll be a legend. [cackles]

A legend!

Now open the bag.

Oh, Mr. Golovkin.

[chuckling] Oh, no.

You think Bonesy is in this bag?

[Mr. Golovkin] Apples?

We were going to put them on all the teachers' desks

because we love teachers.

A decoy duffel. That must mean... [pants]

[sighs]

Maybe I should make a joke. Get Beef laughing.

Nope. That is a man who does not wanna talk to me.

This was a mistake. Ice fishing won't be our thing.

Ugh! This is boring, and it's making me sleepy just like they said it would.

-[♪ dreamy music playing] -Wait.

What's that music?

Oh, no. Am I in a limbo?

[eyeball guy] Yes, Honeybee.

Yes, yes, yes.

Skate with me, Honeybee.

[screams] The eyeball guy from my dream! Stay away from me.

I can't stay away.

You're my wife now.

Okay, come on. This has gotta be a dream. Wake up, Honeybee, wake up.

You're ice fishing. You're in the shack. Wake up! [screams]

-[shouts] Who are they? -They're our beautiful babies,

Chet and Roxanne.

[both] Mommy.

[screaming]

-[gasps] -Honeybee, what the...

Oh, my God. Now, I see what everybody was talking about.

I was in the limbo and there were eye monsters.

No wonder all your kids hate this. That was awful.

I hate this too!

Oh, I... Hmm.

[Mr. Golovkin panting]

[groans]

I'm on to you, Tobins.

I'm getting my Bonesy bust!

Okay, Ham Solo, you're on your own from here.

What? But you said you'd help me.

We did. But this last path, you must walk alone.

Ham, we're the ones who bonesyed you.

What? Why?

Just to make sure we beat the Weakmaries?

God, no. We wanted you to be a part of the family legacy.

This is your last chance, Ham.

And we knew you could do this just as well as we could.

-Now, go, go, go. -[Ham panting]

So, you hate this?

Yeah, sorry, but I think I do!

I just wanted to come out here and hang out with you

and have some dad bonding time.

But we're just sitting here being deathly quiet.

And I feel like you didn't even really want me to come with you.

Wait, what?

I brought all this fun stuff

and, as I mentioned, my sparkling personality,

and I thought maybe ice fishing could be our thing.

But you weren't interested in having fun with me, and I miss my dad,

and I just wanna buy shorts and step on people.

Honeybee, I'm sorry you're missing your dad,

but I actually really hoped this would be our thing.

I mean, in fact, you're my last hope.

You sound like O-Beef-Wan Kenobi.

What are you talking about?

Well, I know how the kids don't like the kind of limbo where you see stuff.

Oh. You heard about the Teletubby eating Michelle from Full House?

Boy, did I?

But when I go into that limbo state, I see the fish under the ice,

and I kinda call to them.

Oh... [sniffles] ...cool.

Yeah, it makes me happy,

the stillness, and the wind, and the silence.

And I hoped one of the kids would be like me, would actually enjoy that.

But they severely didn't,

and you don't either.

So I guess in the future, I'll just do it alone.

Actually, you know what, Beef?

Um, I think I'd... [sniffles] I think I'd like to give it another try.

-Really? -Yup.

If I can see a monster made of eyes, I can probably see a fish.

Mmm, so true.

But real quick, I will need to slam two or three more wine coolers.

[chuckles] Fair enough.

And you know what? Four Loko me.

Oh, hell yeah, Beef.

[panting]

[Mr. Golovkin] Stop right there, Ham.

[sighs]

Your chance at Bonesy has been blownsied.

[♪ dreamy music playing]

[whispering] Beef, Beef.

I see a fish just like you said.

Do you see it too?

I do. I do!

Let us summon it with our minds.

Catch that fish, Honeybee.

[gasps, screams]

Oh, my God. Stay calm.

-Stay calm! -[groaning]

Reel. Pause. Reel then pause.

-It's c... It's coming! -Yes.

This is just like wrestling shorts away from somebody at the big sale.

Get those shorts, Honeybee.

Just gotta let all the other shoppers think that I'm getting tired.

That's it. That's it. You got her now.

-And then you get those shorts! -Sweet Lord.

She's a monster.

Hurry up, this fish is strong!

[both grunting]

I got it. We did it!

I haven't felt this alive since I nabbed ten skorts for the price of one.

[Mr. Golovkin] I got ya.

Aha! I did it!

-I caught you! -Caught me doing what?

You're still gonna try to play dumb?

Ham, I wasn't born yesterday,

which is also the title of a great black-and-white comedy from the '50s.

-Judy Holliday won the Oscar. -Oh, neat.

Whoo! I am going to live on in Lone Moose history

as the teacher who derailed the final Bonesy prank.

But Mr. Golovkin, there's one problem.

This isn't Bonesy.

Oh, this is ridiculous. I know you took Bonesy. I'll show you.

See? It's gone.

Is it?

Um, what's that then in the corner over there?

Huh?

Damn it. Then what skeleton is in the bag?

Oh, this?

This is one of the student council skeletons

from the haunted homecoming dance.

Look, when you press this button, his eyes glow.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Be a lamb and return it for me, would you?

But... But, but, but...

Okay. I'll see you later, Mr. Golovkin.

Sorry teachers suck and whatnot.

So Bonesy was in his closet the whole time?

Ham, how?

When I heard Bonesy was being retired,

I knew there was no way you guys would let me miss my chance, so...

Remember when I spilled hot soup on my pants at lunch?

Ha, that wasn't hot soup at all.

It was room temperature water.

But you didn't know that.

And Crispin was like...

[imitating Crispin] ..."Oh, Ham, your poor wiener.

Do you want me to go with you?"

And I said, "No, I must go alone."

But I didn't go to the nurse.

I needed a decoy skeleton, and luckily

I was part of the student council dance planning committee.

Thank God. Our student party loves a theme.

I took a skeleton and a cloak and also a bunch of spider rings

because they are so much fun to wear.

Fifth period is free, so I knew the room would be empty.

I covered up the real Bonesy and put the decoy in his place.

And just in time too,

because Judy and Moon were right behind me,

ready to get their hands on Bonesy's bones

and deliver them to their unsuspecting brother.

Except they weren't Bonesy's bones at all.

You pulled the greatest Bonesy ever and he never even left his closet.

I rose to the occasion before it even occasioned.

Genius.

The Weakmaries can munch our buns.

The Tobins are the skeleton kings.

Oh, our children will tell tales of this.

But wait, if the skeleton was already in there,

why did you put on the big act today?

'Cause, uh, if this was Bonesy's last ride,

I wanted us all to take it together.

-[pounding on door] -Huh. Who could be here now?

Guys, I think this is for you.

Looks like Golovkin wants one more chance to catch us.

Well, time to go to the cemetery and pick up another decoy. Who's in?

[all agreeing]

[Wolf] Time to bone with my family one more time.

-[Honeybee] Whoa, yuck. -[Judy] Ew.

♪ I've given up on love I was the man who walked apart ♪

♪ Then in she clattered Nothing else mattered ♪

-♪ She stuck her Bones right in my heart ♪ -[singers harmonizing]

[Wolf] ♪ She's the woman of my dreams ♪

♪ I don't care if everybody screams ♪

♪ I don't wanna be a loner ♪

♪ 'Cause these bones give me, uh... ♪

♪ A huge beautiful feeling ♪

♪ Bone lady ♪

♪ Never leave me alone, lady ♪

♪ You melted my heart of stone ♪

♪ The moment I kissed your bone ♪