Original subtitles

♪ Look up there ♪

-♪ What do you see? ♪ -♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

[all] ♪ Hup, the Great North ♪

-♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ -[all] ♪ Hup, hey, oh ♪

-♪ Catch some fish ♪ -♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Hup, the Great North ♪

-♪ Here we live ♪ -[all] ♪ Hup, oh ♪

-♪ Here we'll stay ♪ -♪ Whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North ♪

[cheering]

[eagle squawks]

Okay. That's it. I cannot enjoy my breakfast

with that eagle looking at me with his nasty, little beady eyes.

-[eagle squawks] -All right. [grunts]

It's not Toby's fault his eyes are nasty. He has bird pink eye.

Even more reason to keep him away from me.

Don't worry, Honeybee. I'm co-babysitting Toby with Moon,

and no one will be getting avian conjunctivitis on my watch.

I know, that's right. I will kick that bird.

Dad, you know Roy only asked me to watch his eagle.

And you should have asked me before you said yes.

So now I will babysit you, babysitting this taloned predator.

Uh-oh, trouble in "papa-dise".

Moon, I know you love wildlife,

but recent incidents require me to pump the parental brakes.

I support all of your interests unless and until they might cause your death.

Why, whatever could you mean, Father?

[samba music playing]

-[Beef] Moon. -Oh. Congrats, Dad, you're a grandpa. Ow.

Moon, pull over right now.

Ya! Ya! Ya!

Careful. These are a little spicy.

-[bear chews] -Moon!

-[music ends] -[sighs] Dad, you gotta relax.

Working with wild animals is my calling.

[chuckling] So true. It's like I always say,

if Dr. Hammond had called you,

Jurassic Park would still be a fun vacation destination for families.

[Toby squawks]

How do you even babysit an eagle?

What, you make him macaroni and cheese?

Check for monsters under his eagle bed and tuck it in?

He only eats raw meat, Ham. And he sleeps standing up.

Aw, just like Mom when she passed out in that phone booth near Danky's.

-[Toby squawks] -Well, if that eagle's staying,

I'll be spending my Saturday in the guest house.

The only large bird I respect is Larry Bird.

Call me if you ever babysit his giant ass.

I'll join. I have almost no interest in having my gorgeous face pecked off.

Although a scar could give me a nice air of mystery.

Uh, but no, no. No, no, no. No. I'm coming.

I don't mind beagles which are dog eagles, but Toby can go to hell.

And I'll come too, 'cause I just let one loose from my caboose.

So we're all about to get pink eyed. Let's go.

-[Moon and Judy] Ew. -[Beef] Dirt.

[Toby squawks]

All right. Now we can spend the rest of the day

not worrying about a razor-beak demon murdering us. What should we do?

I know. We could work on our Michael Caine impressions.

[clears throat] "I'm Michael Caine... Coo!"

I have my work cut out for me.

We could play poker.

Hold on. What the hell kind of comic cards are these?

Is this the Ace of Kremlins?

Those are tarot cards.

They were a favorite at my spooky cousin Laura's wedding.

Ooh. Tarot. I could do some readings.

Let's see. Instructions say you just flip over three cards...

Ooh. So spooky.

Oh, but before you do that you're supposed to ask a specific question.

Okay. Uh, how about this? How will my day turn out?

-But just till, like, 4:00? -Why 4:00?

'Cause that's when I'm meeting Crispin after his shift at the mall.

We're gonna split cheese fries,

so... [chuckles] ...I already know that'll be so dope.

[clears throat] Cards, this is Judy from the main house.

[clears throat] Hello. How will Ham's Day turn out?

-Just till, like, 4:00. -Right. Just till, like, 4:00.

Oh, cool. Am I gonna watch Bones?

No. It's, uh, death.

All right. I don't like that.

No, I think you need all three cards to know what you're really in for.

-[Judy] Ooh. -Oh, no. That's a pair of Deaths.

That's a good hand. I'd raise.

-[Ham groans] -One more card to go.

Okay. This one will surely be fine.

-[Judy] Oh, God. -[Ham gasps]

-Oh, no. Judy, it's happening again. -What is?

I have a horrible gift for predicting deaths.

When I was six, I got a fortune cookie that said I would experience a great loss.

And that night my snail Mr. Fettuccine

-[young Judy screams] -died.

Natural causes, he was 26, but still.

And after that, her power only grew.

A few years later, while playing Ouija, the board spelled out "float."

Shortly after, we found our fish Bubble gum dead.

And he was floating.

Okay. So Judy's a witch. I'll get the matches. Let's burn her.

And a really freaky one was just two years ago,

when I dreamt I died of thirst at a summer cookout.

Where are the damn matches?

And then the morning after, I heard on the news

that the guy who voiced the Kool-Aid Man had died.

Busted through that wall between this life and the next.

So, uh, looks like my life will be over by 4:00 p.m. today.

No, I won't let that happen.

No, I won't let that happen. Hamilton. You're in luck.

Because no one's seen all the Final Destination movies more than me.

I've seen each one 105 times.

Do you hear that, death? You got Honeybee Shaw-Tobin to deal with today.

-[Judy] Oh, God! -[all scream]

It looks like death accepted your challenge.

Yeah, I mean, it has been happening a lot.

I've been bothering Wolf to fix it, but... It's on.

Honeybee, I absolutely believe you can save me from death's bony grasp.

But just in case, I'd like to get to my Crispin.

If I'm dying, I want one more kiss,

and if I cheat death, I do want those fries.

Hmm. Getting to the mall will be risky with death on our tails,

but I think we can do it. We need to put Ham in a bubble.

I'll gather the pillows and the duct tape.

Good man. And we got to avoid planes, driving behind a logging truck.

And don't even think about getting laser eye surgery, young man.

[gasps] Oh, no. I just thought about it.

Okay. Time for his feeding. I'll get his meats.

Whoo-hoo. This is fun. Huh?

I'm lovin' this whole Three Men and a Baby vibe.

-Mmm. -Maybe I should run out for some diapers.

The three of us trying to change a cranky, wild eagle

is sure to produce some fun shenanigans.

Wolf, Toby isn't a baby.

He's technically older than you in eagle years.

Boss. I wonder if he can add me to his health insurance.

-[Toby squeaks] -Oh, hey, Moon,

what do you say we do that together from a much safer distance?

Uh, up. Ah. See? There you go?

Dad, this isn't cornhole.

Well, true. But Toby's mouth is also a deadly weapon.

Picking up some serious Selleck and Gutte vibes here, guys.

You both wanna be great dads,

but your parenting styles are as different as your chest hair situations.

-[Toby squawks] -Oh.

I'm opening the cage. Everyone stay still, please.

-[Toby continues] -Moon, absolutely not.

Dad, I gotta get him out to do his eye drops. I know how.

And he could claw your face off.

I'll go get my snare pole,

so I can position his head for you in the cage.

[Toby squeaks]

Okay. Time to come out, bud. There you go.

Oh, so you're just gonna, uh, do what Dad told you not to do?

I-I didn't know we could do that.

Wolf, I know what I'm doing.

Moon. What the hell are you doing?

Dad, put the pole away. You're making him nervous.

-I'm making him nervous? -[shrieking]

Nature's perfect shredding machine is currently perched on my ten-year-old son.

I have nervous seniority.

Hey, guys, I just needed to grab a few pillows... Whoa, whoa!

-[Toby shrieks] -[Wolf screams]

-[Judy] Oh, Dad, chase him. -[Moon] Toby's gonna go. No!

Well, crap.

Damn it. That jerk jacked my jerky.

Toby!

Ugh. He's not gonna answer to his name, Dad.

Well, maybe he'd answer to a rad nickname.

[stammers] Uh, Toblerone. Uh, "Toby-Wan-Kenobi."

Uh, "T-Alan Rickman" in "Naka-Toby" Tower. T... I... I'll keep thinking.

He would've never fallen off

if you hadn't made him nervous with that dumb pole of yours.

-I had it under control. -Disagree.

You screwed up my first eagle-sitting job.

And now I'll never become a professional wildlife expert

who goes on late-night shows, and moonlights as a pet detective

that goes by the alias "Seth Snake Looker."

Thanks a lot, Dad.

You know, Moon, it's not too late to turn today

into a fun father-son's outdoor good time.

Just like we had when you were little.

It is too late, since I've resigned my position as your son.

-Resignation not accepted. -Resignation resubmitted.

Oops. Denied again.

Whoo, things are getting heated.

Just like when Selleck gave one of Baby Mary's stuffed animals

to his date for Valentine's Day, and Danson flipped out.

But by the end of the day, I bet we'll realize we're all Toby's dads,

and we love them equally and let's make a sequel.

Aha! Whitewash, aka eagle poop.

Toby can fly, but he can't hide.

-[eagle squawks] -Sup Tobs.

My guess your old dad's not such a bad eagle tracker after all. Right, bud?

Father-son fun time engaged.

Actually, there's one small problem.

That's not Toby.

Sure it is. He's got, uh, wings and a head. Just like the T-man.

Wolf, her wingspan is definitely bigger.

-[eaglets squeaking] -Of course, there's also the babies.

We didn't find Toby, but I think we did find his family.

And that mother eagle appears to be feeding her babies Wolf's jerky.

Oh, lucky birds. It is the best flavor. Wacky Taco Teriyaki Twister.

Toby probably built this nest for breeding season.

It's safer than his regular nest near the post office.

Two nests? Living pretty big, my man.

And since Mom's in this nest, Toby must be out on the job, hunting.

-Well, we'll just keep looking. -Uh. Let's split up.

Then I could spend less time explaining basic eagle facts,

and more time finding Toby.

Nope. It'll be safer if we stick together.

Like in the movie when they lose the baby,

but then they find the baby by tracking down some cocaine dealers.

Ha! The '80s were a wild time to be three dads, huh?

You doing okay in there, Ham?

[Ham, muffled] It's hard to talk. There's a pillow in front of my face.

[sighs] That's better.

I just needed a mouth hole for my mouth hole.

Come on. We gotta break your date with death

and keep your date with Crispin.

We'll go very slowly and keep you alive until 4:00.

But just in case, I'm gonna make a few calls

to see who might cough up some cash for your kidneys.

Okay. Now let's surround Ham and walk him down the driveway to the car.

-[door squeaks] -Damn door.

-Whoa. -Ooh.

-Oh, my God. -What?

A murder icicle almost got you.

-[Ham] Oh. Oh, God. -[Judy] Go-God!

-[Honeybee] Ooh. Oh, no. Icy patch. -[Judy screams]

[Ham, Honeybee and Judy scream]

Oh, no. My brother, he's gone.

Oh, wait, no. Ham's fine.

-[Honeybee] Nice try, death. -[Ham] My whole life flashed before me.

So much time on the toilet.

Moon, I know you think I'm being a buzzkill.

I would say "barf fart," but, sure.

But you know that I myself used to be more daring around wildlife.

Ugh. Oh, God. Are you going to tell me the elk story again?

Oh. This one's a banger, Dad.

I was a young man of just 15 years on a solo expedition

out in the Tongass National Forest

to take pictures for a 4-H competition at the county fair.

And that's when I spied it. A majestic bull elk.

I knew they were dangerous, so I kept my distance.

Then I slowly and cautiously got my camera out.

And the elk shook me.

Shook me head to hind.

-Gripped my pants clean off. -[young Beef screams]

Terrified, I remained on that tree pantsless till dawn,

afraid my tormentor would return.

You see, Moon, even when exercising maximal caution around a beast,

a lone outdoorsman can lose his pants. Or worse, his life.

Your problem wasn't your lack of backup, Dad.

It was your lack of know-how.

Yeah, Dad.

Uh, sorry, sorry. Got caught up in the moment.

If the picture was for the county fair,

that places you in the woods in early August. Is that right?

-Uh, yes. -Mating season.

There is no amount of caution high enough near a bull elk

during August or September, when they are extremely aggressive.

You're lucky to be alive.

-Oh, uh, I wasn't aware of that. -[Old Jody Jr.] Damn it.

[groans] Oh, hey, Tobins.

Boy, am I glad to see you. Eagle got me good.

-Toby. -Yep. He tried to grab the cooler

off the back of my truck.

I was so startled that I ran right off the road.

Did you see which way he went?

Same way your boy just went.

-What boy? -Yay high, bear suit.

Was here just a second ago.

Damn it. Moon's gone rogue.

He really is a Guttenberg. Translation, "lovable scamp."

Huh. Moon's tracks stop right here and then disappear.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

[stammers] Maybe he can fly?

Like, uh, 'cause he's half owl.

'Cause, uh, Mom had an affair with an owl.

-And, uh... -[laughs] No, Wolf. What?

Ha! I was total joking.

I do think he might have climbed up in this tree to get a better view.

And from the top, he'd have a direct line of sight to...

To that owl that had an affair with Mom?

No, the post office.

Toby's other nest.

-Let's go check there. -Right, right.

[car horns honking]

Now, Ham, just in case death comes out on top today,

I think I can get a couple of doubloons for that gorgeous red hair

down at the wig factory.

So do you mind if I bury you bald?

Aunt Dirt, stop. Ham is not gonna die.

Not if the dozens of Final Destination characters who lost their lives

so that I can protect Ham, have anything to say about it.

Knock on wood. Uh. [groans]

Ham, don't. No, no unnecessary movement. You can't risk it.

[Honeybee] Let me get you close to the entrance.

When we're walking, death's stalking.

What the hell, Honeybee? You can't park here.

Uh, sorry, Security Pam.

But my brother-in-law got three deaths in a tarot reading,

and the reaper is after us Final Destination style.

So we gotta get him into the mall to either kiss his boyfriend goodbye,

or have cheese fries with him.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll give you a security escort.

[shouting] Everybody out of the way. We got a final destination here.

[groans] No Eagle. No Moon.

Hey, Zoya. Love the look. Super punk rock.

Not punk. Bird tried to steal hat.

Bird strong, but Zoya stronger.

Zoya, did that bird happen to be Toby?

I never snitch, but yes.

Well, wait, where did he go?

[people screaming]

[Toby squawking]

[Toby screeches]

-[Beef] There's moon. Let's go. -[Toby squawking]

No, my stew meat. I saved up so many coupons.

-[Toby squeals] -[screams] Not my fish sticks.

It's Fish Sticks Friday. Harry will be devastated!

Sir, stay in your car.

Moon, we were supposed to stay together.

Sorry, Dad. But watching Toby today was my job, so I'm doing it.

-[Toby squawks] -It was our job.

But how did you know he would be here?

Well, when I saw OJJ's vandalized cooler that Toby attacked,

I realized Toby wasn't hunting, he was shopping.

-He goes beef shopping, am I right? -[Toby squawks]

Toby's number one job right now is to feed his babies.

-And eagles are kleptoparasitic. -Bless you.

Thank you. Which means they steal food gathered by other birds.

But Toby is also partially domesticated.

So I figured he'd come to the place

where it's easiest to steal food gathered by humans.

But getting Toby under control is not something you can handle.

Watch me. You guys stand over there where it's safe.

-Absolutely not. I'll take care of it. -[people screaming]

Dad, just let me get Toby back in his cage.

Wolf, take your brother over to Mrs. Tuntley's car,

-and keep him in there. -Dad, come on!

Use the childproof locks if you have to.

[groans] I figured those out when I was three.

Ah, man, you gotta help me out. I still don't get 'em.

Uh, everyone stay calm.

I called Game Warden Burt and left a message... [screams]

-Oh, my God! -Pete, get inside.

And I need to come in and get some supplies for a Bal-chatri trap.

Sure. And we also have a BOGO on Rice Krispie Treats you're gonna love.

-Not now, Pete. -Right, right.

This is as far as I can take you. My cart can't go up these stairs.

But you could get out and walk up with us.

I wish. Bad knees.

Also, I want to get a soft pretzel.

Bye!

[groans] What if I fall?

Why is this elevator still under construction?

They've been working on it for so long.

We couldn't take it anyway.

Just ask Nora Carpenter from Final Destination 2.

Trick question... You can't because she ain't got no head.

Popped right off like a button on a pair of jeans that are way too tight.

What do we do?

Ham has trouble with stairs even when death isn't on his ass.

Looks like we're gonna have to make a stop at the sporting goods store.

And maybe also for a soft pretzel cause that sounded good.

[Ham groaning]

Ham, before you climb,

why don't you go ahead and hit me with your bank account number and ATM pin.

-Just in case this doesn't work. -Dirt, no.

Okay. Start climbing, Ham. Keep your center of gravity as low as possible.

[Ham groaning]

Okay, Judy, start looking for hazards.

Near the end of the movies, the deaths are fully nuts

-and can come from anywhere. -[Ham groaning]

[Judy] Mmm.

Mmm. [screams]

[roller skater screams]

Argh. Damn thing ate my quarter.

-[machine clicks] -Ooh.

-[distorted] Ham! Look out! -[distorted] No!

No! [gulps, chews]

-Ham, Ham. Are you dying? -[Ham] Mmm-mm.

[smacks lips] No, it's just really old gum.

Ugh. I'm okay.

I'll get to the rest of the way. [strains]

Or maybe we just walk.

[Toby squawks]

All right. The trap is set.

[Toby squawks]

[strains] Come on, Wolf.

Let me out. Toby is going to dive again. I can tell by his stance.

Can't. Dad's orders.

But I need to go keep Dad safe. He's gonna get hurt.

-[Toby squawks] -Dad!

-[Toby screeches] -[Beef screams]

No, no, no, no, no!

Sam Malone's Winter's Bones, Toby's wedging Dad!

-[Toby squawks] -[screams] No, no!

Somebody's gotta do something.

My dad's butt can't take much more of this.

Wolf, please I know what to do.

You have to trust me. You have to let me out.

Moon, I'm gonna say to you what Danson says to Selleck

when he asks him to watch Mary so he can go on a date.

Okay.

No, Moon. Stay back. [screams]

-[Toby squawks] -[Moon] I'm here to help you.

Stay calm, Dad.

Everyone else get back.

Stoop down behind your cars. No loud sounds.

-Even me. -Yes.

Thank you for including me.

[screams] Moon, no, get back, back, back.

Dad, if you want to have a butt crack at the end of this,

I need you to stop yelling.

-[Beef yelling] -Go limp. Lay down.

-Okay. -Seriously, stop talking.

-Yep. Sorry. -Shh.

[Toby squawks]

[Moon] Caw-caw-caw.

-Is that a dead mouse? -Yep.

You just had that in your pocket?

Yes, I always have one for things like this.

-You don't? -No.

Caw-caw-caw.

[Toby squawks]

And while he's swallowing the mouse, I just leash him up here.

Way to go, Moon. You saved my favorite dad.

Caw-caw. All right, I've got him leashed.

I'm gonna walk him home.

Don't you want to get him in his cage first?

-I do not. -But...

Hey, Dad, there's a time in Three Men And A Baby,

where Selleck and the goon

had to acknowledge that Danson was Mary's real dad.

He was in charge and he was the one who needed to take care of her.

Right. Moon, we'll follow behind you.

Perfect. Just not too close.

[people cheer]

Well done, Moon!

There he is, Ham. Go say goodbye.

-Crispin. -Ham?

Yes, it's me.

I came to say farewell forever.

Or get fries if I live.

Uh, what?

Wait, what's going on with the kiosk?

Oh. A ground squirrel fell out of a light fixture

right into one of the blenders and I accidentally blended it to death.

So we're closed. Possibly forever.

Waiting to hear from corporate.

Also, I'm deeply traumatized.

Wait, a ground squirrel died?

Judy, your witchcraft wasn't about Ham.

Oh! I just killed a ground squirrel. Not my brother.

-[clocks chiming] -And...

We did it. We beat death. In your face. [grunting]

Time to take these pillows off and get some fries.

Okay. What are you... What is happening?

Oh, crap.

I forgot I took my pants off to get a better pillow fit.

Will you be embarrassed to get fries with me?

Are you kidding? It would be my honor.

I'll even take my pants off too.

We did it. We saved Ham.

I mean, I don't think he was actually ever in danger,

-but... -Shh, shh, shh.

You think he still has some of that dead ground squirrel smoothie back there?

I'm a little parched.

Welp, we were out of rubbing alcohol,

but I poured a bunch of tequila down my butt area

and slapped on a bandage.

Are you ready to apologize to Toby?

No, Toby can rot.

-But I am ready to apologize to you. -Okay.

Moon, I'm sorry, I didn't trust you to take care of the eagle

on your own today.

It's okay, Dad.

I'm sorry that I know more than you about wildlife.

Oh, Moon. That doesn't bother me. I love that you do. I'm proud.

But seeing you with wild animals still sometimes scares the crap out of me.

-[chuckles] It's a dad thing. -Papa's gotta pop.

You're gifted and I can't hold you back and I shouldn't.

Most parents of kids with terrifying talents probably go through this.

I mean, that guy who does all the rock climbing with no ropes.

I bet his parents have never slept a wink in their lives.

-I love that guy. -[chuckles] Me too.

He's my screen saver.

But my point is you can't stop an animal from following its nature

and I can't stop you from following your nature.

[sniffles, cries] Damn it, that was beautiful.

I just hope you guys both know what to do when you see a wolf.

[both] Stand tall, back away. Maintain eye contact.

Hell, no. When you see a Wolf you bring it in for a hug,

-Oh. -[screams] My butt, my butt. Oh, my God.

♪ Good night, sweetheart Well, it's time to go ♪

-♪ Do, do, di, do, do ♪ -♪ Good night, sweetheart ♪

-♪ Well, it's time go ♪ -♪ Do, do, do, do ♪

♪ I hate to leave you But I really must say ♪

♪ Good night sweetheart Good night ♪

[Toby squawks]

♪ Well, it's three o'clock In the morning ♪

[Toby squawks]

♪ Baby, I just can't treat you right ♪

♪ Well, I hate to leave you, baby I don't mean maybe ♪

-♪ Because I love you so ♪ -♪ Do, do, di, do, do ♪