Original subtitles

and because Rose only played dumb

but was actually a manipulative snake,

I have to put Dorothy as my number one Golden Girl.

- Judy? - What?

Falling asleep during my Golden Girls ratings chat

is very rude.

Sorry, Alanis. I didn't mean to doze off.

But, you know, midsummer, the Alaskan sky is only dark

for a very short window and it's, like, 2:00 a.m. right now,

so I am trying my best, okay?

And I do want to hear more of your GG rankings... I love it...

but the whole reason I came out here was to talk about me,

and, the clock's a-tickin'.

Yeah. This time of the year is a little tough for you?

Since the summer solstice thing in general is seen

as kind of a sacred time for mothers and daughters.

And all the mothers and daughters in Lone Moose

hold that big softball tournament.

Maybe you feel a little, well, left out?

Okay, that was a lot of assuming

for an imaginary friend.

And, look, maybe I do have a longing

to play softball with my mom and have a mother-daughter catch,

but, actually, that's not what I want to talk about.

Okay. Lay it on me.

Well, you know how I've been displaying my paintings

on the wall outside the Maude's All-Day bathrooms?

Um, I've now sold 15 paintings.

Well, hey. I'm so proud of you.

Yeah. So I don't even care

about all the mother-daughter stuff going on

because, clearly, I'm actually thriving right now.

Well, it doesn't surprise me, Judy.

Heartache can lead to some really powerful art.

I never could have written "Head Over Feet"

if my ferret Devin hadn't gotten stuck

in that Pringles can and died.

Judy, wake up. Don't fall off the roof.

Yup. In I...

- go. - Okay.

She's... Yeah, that'll have to do.

Look at this gorgeous beast.

Gentlemen, we've created a Cabbage Patch full-grown adult.

It makes the Incredible Hulk

look like an incredible pile of trash.

This dense-leaf daddy's gonna get first place

in the Longest Day Largest Vegetable Parade for sure.

Yep. Just a few days to go.

I'll stay on prune duty.

I've already fortified the crap out of the fence.

And, Dad, if I could borrow the generator,

I'd like to crank 2,000 volts through this thing.

Well, Ham and I have been mostly reading

or playing music for the cabbage,

since studies show it can help their growth.

But today we're taking it to the next level with some ASMR.

Listen to the soil.

It mushes with the hum of life.

Wonderful, boys.

Love how focused this team is.

Hey, Dad, before we go in,

can I give him a little kiss?

Absolutely, son.

Mwah.

Got another painting for you, Maude.

Looks like another banger, Judy.

Am I using that right?

- No. - Well.

Hey, you gonna stop by

the Mother-Daughter Softball Tournament today?

Rebecca and Susannah Peterson got caught corking bats.

They've been banned for life, so it's anyone's game.

Um, no. No, I'm-I'm not.

All the mother-daughter stuff this time of year,

it's, um, I don't know, a little much, don't you think?

I mean, we get it. Mothers have daughters.

Daughters have mothers. Boring.

What I really need is to know

who's been buying these paintings.

Would love to know more about my fandom.

Actually, the same person's bought all of 'em.

Really? Who is it?

I-I don't know who they are.

But they're always wearing a big shroud.

That's kind of weird.

Are you overwhelmed by the painting?

No, I'm overwhelmed by breakfast clams.

Got to go. Move, move.

Hey, Jerry, over here.

Ready to enjoy some mother-daughter slo-pitch?

Hell yeah. It's good to be back in a ballpark.

I've really missed going to watch our home team,

the Fresno Footlongs.

And eating all the footlongs in the stands.

I'd eat so many I'd get sick.

Me too. And not to be gross...

and I know it's not possible...

but I'm pretty sure, one time, one came out intact.

In the bun and everything.

Couldn't help but overhear ya,

'cause I was actively eavesdropping,

but they don't sell hot dogs here.

What? No footlongs? This is a nightmare.

Wait, hey, hey, if you got a little footlong money

burning a hole in your pocket, I got a special deal

- on something pretty fun. - Yeah.

I love those stupid giant hands. We'll take two.

But, see, you've each got two hands there.

The man has a point, HB.

I'm getting a severe case of foam-mo,

'cause of those absolutely rad foam fingers you guys got on.

Yeah, these things are fun as hell.

You can do exaggerated pointing,

pretend to pick your nose.

I mean, I might never take 'em off.

Really?

Well, I might never take mine off either.

- Want to make it interesting? - No.

- Now, don't turn this into that. - Into what?

When we were kids, Honeybee always made me do

these stupid bets. And she'd always win.

Not always. You went the longest eating just pickles.

Yeah, but I got a really bad vitamin deficiency

and I lost my eyesight for 42 hours.

Well, if you think bets are stupid,

I guess you might as well just take off your foam fingers now.

No. You take off your foam fingers.

Never. I want you to bury me with these on.

Sticking out the dirt like this.

So everyone will know I'm number one at being dead.

Judy, wait.

Your new painting sold.

Right before you came in. Same fan.

Maude, is there anything else

you can tell me about this person?

Well, I think it's a woman.

And when she paid, I did see

she had the letters RBG tattooed on her wrist.

Could be for Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Could be for Rhonda "Balloons" Grundelman,

owner of the balloon store in Death Cliff.

I mean, both iconoclasts in their own way.

And her car had a bumper sticker that said

"If you don't like how I'm driving, check your sexism."

A feminist who loves my paintings?

I'm going to find you, sweet soul sister.

So, do you want your 15 bucks or...

Yes. But I am also gonna

stare wistfully out the window just a bit more.

So you're gonna stalk and follow this mystery buyer woman?

Judy, I never want to limit your creative ideas,

but in this instance, I actually very much...

-do? -I've got to meet her.

I mean, it's nice to think

that an adult lady thinks my paintings are good.

The only time my actual mom showed any interest in my art

was when she made me doodle on her bar bills

so the waiters would think it was cute

when she left without paying.

And you're sure this isn't just about

the summer solstice mother-daughter softball thing?

Alanis, I don't even have time

to think about something like having

a classic mother-daughter catch anymore.

I'm too busy blowing the damn minds

of the Lone Moose art world.

- Okay, I just... - All right.

Sweet dreams, Alanis. Got to get some sleep.

Big stakeout tomorrow.

Hey, Dad,

can you give me a ride to Maude's?

No can do, Judy.

It's the cabbage's bath time.

O-kay.

I guess I'll go see if Ham or Wolf can take me.

Wolf? Ham?

Where are you?

Aah! I've been shot.

No. My husband, Abraham Lincoln.

Guys, can either of you give me a ride to town?

Judy, please. Don't interrupt.

We're rehearsing our historical pageant

to present to the cabbage.

Is Honeybee around?

No, she took Jerry bowling.

Thinks that'll make him take his foam fingers off.

Aah! Aah! My God!

Fine. I'll just get Lone Moose's Lone Uber

since everybody's too busy for me.

Read the room, Judy.

You're in a crowded theater and I've just been shot.

All right, Maude, I just got

to meet this mystery buyer woman

who's been buying all my paintings.

So I'm just gonna sit right here and wait

until she shows up again so I don't miss her.

- You just missed her. - No1

Crap. Kyle, I need your scooter, quick.

What's mine is yours, Jude Dude.

Bring her back with a full tank of gas.

- It's electric. - You heard me.

Wow.

Looks like she's an artist, too.

- Wa-wa-wee-wa. - Hello there.

Sorry. I'm just doing a routine,

peek-in-into-your-home home inspection.

And it's completely normal stuff.

And, by the way, yours looks great. Sorry, I'm lying.

I am not a peek-into-your-home home inspector.

Um, I'm actually the person who painted

all of those paintings you've been buying.

Please don't call 911 because you found

a weird girl-lady looking into your house.

What? Call 911? No way.

You're the painter. I'm Sherry.

Probably your biggest fan.

Thank you.

I just had to meet the person who's attached to the eyes

that really like my art.

Well, I'm so glad you found me.

Your art... it-it speaks to me.

No, no, it screams to me.

- Really? - Yeah, I was just scrolling through my social media one day,

and I was like, "Hold the phone, chicken bone,

this would look amazing in my living room."

So I bought the painting, and it did look amazing,

so I bought another one.

No, I did! I swear, I did!

Well, they do look great in there.

You seem like a really insightful young lady

to me, Judy.

Wow. Thank you.

I do follow the Artist's Way.

Well, I bought the book.

I'm gonna buy the book.

You'll have to let me borrow that one.

You know, Judy, I think we were destined to meet here today.

And I think we're destined to have lunch together tomorrow.

You, me, that new high tea place in the mall, the Gentle Teabag?

What do you say? I'm buyin'.

Yeah. Wow. Yes.

That sounds fun. Thanks, Sherry.

Yay. Girls' lunch!

Okay, so here's my card,

just in case anything comes up before tomorrow.

It's got my number

and, and my blog.

But, ew, it's so stupid.

Don't read it.

MotherGoddessMayl.com.

Mother Goddess... is that you?

Yeah. It's just this thing

some of my close friends call me.

You know, like an inside joke or whatever.

I can't even remember how it started anymore.

But I already committed to the domain name,

- so, you know, here we are. - I get that.

It's like when I committed to the surfer look in fifth grade.

I put zinc on my nose and called everybody "brah."

Yeah. It feels like we really do get each other,

- don't we, Judy? - I really think we do, Sherry.

Come on. You can call me Mother Goddess.

Joking. Joking.

Okay, see you tomorrow, my favorite artist in the world.

See you tomorrow, too, my favorite...

my favorite person who buys my art in the world.

You guys will not believe what happened to me today.

Look at this one.

I swear to God, our cabbage is smiling.

Dad, text that one to me.

Are those biceps?

Is it weird that I think

he could rescue me from a burning building?

So I guess no one wants to hear what I was gonna say...

My pruning's really paying off.

- He's my pride and joy. - Ham and I

sat down and watched Garden State with him today.

It was incredible. We all wept.

Wow, you guys are acting fully bonkers.

Honeybee, you can probably take those off. Jerry's not here.

You only think he's not here.

I guarantee you he's hiding somewhere in this house,

trying to catch me removing them so he can win.

I'm sure he's not here.

Bless you, Jerry.

Thank you, sis.

But I'm still gonna win.

Curse you, sis.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go eat in my room

and paint another painting for Sherry, I guess,

since she's the only person who seems to give a crap about me.

Bye, Judy.

And how are we enjoying our corgis in a blanket?

Royally.

Judy, this new painting... it's breathtaking.

Your parents must be so proud.

Um, it's actually just "parent," singular.

Just my dad. Who's great.

But his usual compliment of "Another fine piece by Jude"

can only carry my self-esteem so far.

Tell me more about this figure in the stars.

It's in so many of your paintings.

She seems almost maternal?

Well, I hope this doesn't sound crazy.

I kind of see someone in the Northern Lights sometimes,

and I tell her my secrets.

That doesn't sound crazy at all.

I also talk to... well, I like to call them Sky Beings.

Really? You do?

Yeah. I've had incredible conversations

with historymakers all across the cosmos.

Albert Einstein, Serena Williams, Dennis the Menace.

It's kind of the basis of this spiritual stuff I'm into.

Now tell me about the boat.

That's my family's boat.

Your family has a boat?

Well, I'd love to see it.

Hey, maybe you can take me for a tour sometime.

Hey, well, we could even go tonight.

It'd be so much fun to do something together

on the Transversal.

- The what? - Sorry. Just a fancy term

for the longest day of the year. Also, I'm sure

it's too short notice to go tonight. So, you know what,

- just forget it. - No, no, I don't want to forget it.

I'll check with my dad.

Well, if you insist.

Ooh, they've got free mints by the register.

Let me go load up my purse.

Excuse me, could I get a box for my leftovers?

My brother Moon's not going to believe

they make whole sandwiches only out of cucumbers.

Sure thing. Hey, are you in that lady's cult?

What? I don't think she has a cult.

No, she does. My cousin Perry was in it for a month

while he was unemployed.

He only got out when he moved to Wyoming

to join a different cult.

Anyway, I'll go box these up for you.

All right. Well, toodle-oo, Jud-a-loo.

Hey, let me know about that boat, okay?

It'd be great to continue our friendship

- in the next realm. - Sorry, what?

- Cult. - I almost forgot.

I made you a little something.

It's your moonstone,

your birthstone, your sunstone,

and just a little stone I found in the dirt

outside my trailer that I thought looked neat.

Here, catch!

You catch.

What? I-I made this for you.

- Thanks. Love it. - What? What are we doing?

You're so fun.

Here just keep it, Judy. All right, I'll see you later.

Mother-daughter catch.

Hey, Dad, before we all head

to the Largest Vegetable Parade, could I, um,

- could I talk to you for a sec? - Give me a minute, Judy.

Moon's insisting he ride in the trailer with the cabbage,

which is ridiculous

because I need to sit back here.

Okay, Dad, I'll just ask you my question in the car.

Gonna go grab my sunglasses, BRB.

I said it once, I'll say it again:

he belongs on my lap.

No one is riding with the cabbage.

He needs to meditate.

Guys we're gonna be late. Let's just go.

Please put on the mixtape we made for the cabbage, Dad.

It's all Huey Lewis, and he likes it loud.

Hey! Hey, come back!

Okay,

seems like my family left without me. I guess

I don't have to ask permission to show Sherry the boat

because no one asked me for my permission

to adopt a cabbage and worship the ground it-it... cabbages on!

"Hey, Sherry, I'm a-boat to make you very happy.

We are on for that tour."

Cover his eyes. He's gonna get psyched out.

He's shaking.

Well, if Moon hadn't been so overprotective.

Sorry I give a damn.

Greetings, Lone Moose vegetable lovers. The parade

to the judging tent will begin shortly.

And remember, I am the only judge.

No checks or balances today.

Look it's starting. Sunrise, sunset,

et cetera, et cetera. Let's all get along, here we go.

Hey, Sherry. You, y-you brought some friends?

These are just two of my buddies

from my spiritual group, Corey and Maria.

- What is up? - It's amazing to meet you.

And don't get freaked out by the shrouds.

I mostly wear it because it has a lot of pockets

- to hold all my Beanie Babies. - We have a thing later,

so I just thought they could tag along.

Sure, I guess.

Yeah. Um, I'll just give you a quick tour.

Welcome aboard The Mighty Kathleen.

FYI, I'm gonna skip the bathroom

because you can never truly clean

a 30-year-old toilet.

And here's the dent from where I knocked out

two of my baby teeth and then later

two of my adult teeth, and this is the wheel I use

to steer when it's my turn to drive.

You steer this big boat?

You truly are an amazement, Judy.

You just have to take us out on the water.

Well, I shouldn't without asking my dad,

even though he'd probably just ignore me

and say something about the cabbage.

So, you know what?

Yeah. Let's do it. Just a quick little jaunt.

Do you mind if I take my Beanie Babies

out of my pockets so they can watch us sail?

Um, yeah. Sure, that's fine.

Did you hear that, guys? She said it's cool.

Well, this is it.

The mother goddess is out on the salvation vessel

- with the daughter of the prophecy... - Who?

And we're headed to the Transversal Vertex.

What are you talking about?

Sorry, the Transversal is simply

the door through which we can all depart

the earthly plane for the multi-realm.

Yeah, me and the babies just got to get to the next realm.

She looks really confused for being

the daughter of the prophecy, Mother Goddess.

All of this is on my blog, Judy. I assumed you read it.

Did you... did you not read it?

No. No one reads anyone's blog, Sherry.

It's not the '90s.

Well, let me give you the headlines.

This earth will be dissolving this very evening

and the lucky few who are on this boat

will be departing for the next realm.

And speaking of departing,

I'm just gonna use

the little mother goddess' room real quick.

Hey, Corey, Maria, can you keep an eye on her?

She's my favorite.

No. Cult.

I'm so excited to vibrate into the next realm with you, Julie.

Yeah. Same.

This realm is... whatever.

Yep. And it's happening just in time.

I'm in so much debt from buying Pelotons.

I have so many. I can't sit, stand

or lie down in my home, which is also being repossessed.

And I've been collecting all the Beanie Babies ever made

and I'm only missing Large Wallace and his squad

and I can't find them anywhere.

But Sherry told me there's

a mint-condition set waiting for me

in the next realm.

And to, get to the next realm,

you have to...

Don't worry. It'll just seem like we're dying.

Perfect, great, great.

Well, well, this was fun, wasn't it?

But I'm just gonna turn the boat around now

- and, head back. - Hey.

Aah!

No turning back now.

- God. -Catch her! - Hey!

Sit on her! Maria, sit on her!

Footlongs! Get your footlongs!

Boy. They actually have footlongs tonight.

Over here. We'll take two.

- Just let me, Dang it. - Wait,

maybe I can get my wallet.

You guys gonna pay or what?

Are we really gonna miss out on footlongs?

- They're our favorite. - I know.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Jerry? - On three?

One, two, three.

- Aw, what the hell? - Ha!

Honeybee Shaw, stupid bet champion of the world!

Did I do it right? That what you needed?

You hired this guy?

- Hell, yeah, I hired him. - Well played, sis.

At least tell me the footlongs are real.

Of course they're real. I'm not a monster.

Now I can finally check my phone.

It's been days.

Hang on. What the... No, Judy!

You're up, bud. Remember,

just have fun out there.

But also holster your best stuff for the judging.

When we pass Mayor Peppers I don't just want him

to see you're the best, I want him to feel it.

I want him to know it!

Guys, Judy's in trouble.

- Beef, can you track the boat? - I can on Londra's radar.

- What's happening? - I'll tell you on the way.

Let's go.

But we have to be present with our vegetable

during the judging or we're disqualified.

Moon, no. The large vegetable

I care about the most is your sister Judy. Let's go!

Hey, Santiago, you want

a soon-to-be prize-winning cabbage?

We got to go save our sis.

My own cabbage? This is the best day of my life.

You are, like,

surprisingly good at sitting on people.

So, here's Billionaire the Bear.

This is Biscuit, from Biscuit and the Gravy Dogs, obviously.

-And of course, you probably know my extremely limited -Yeah.

Beanie adult, Chef Jo ël Robuchon

- of the Four Seasons New York. - Okay.

Hey, Sherry, I really don't want to go to the other realm.

Nonsense, Judy. I've got something very special

waiting just for you beyond the Transversal.

Something you really want.

Nope. That's okay. I don't think there's anything

- I want that bad. - Please, Judy,

it's so obvious you're desperately in need of a mother.

Someone who will do anything for you,

and you'll do anything for her.

It's practically bursting out of your paintings.

I can be your mother goddess.

And our passage to the next realm will cement you

as my eternal daughter of the prophecy.

Aw, that's so sweet.

What? That's not sweet. That is crazy.

You took advantage of me.

You tricked me with praise and bracelets.

Are you even an RBG fan?

Yes. Red, blue, green... my favorite colors, in order.

And that's not a bracelet, Judy. That's a planar shift passport.

It guarantees your entry to the next realm.

And I'm wearing this crown because it will alert

the dimensional gate guards to my high stature,

which, again, Judy, you'd know all about

if you'd just read my blog!

Okay, I am realizing Alanis was right,

and I was looking for a mother figure

because this time of year blows for me, but...

but you're not it.

A real mother-daughter relationship isn't about

doing anything for each other.

I didn't want to doodle on my mom's bar tabs.

I wanted her to pay for her drinks.

And also stop drinking, but that's a separate issue.

Wow, you need my maternal energy so bad right now, it's insane.

No, Sherry, you know what? You're right.

I don't have a mom in my life, but I do have a family,

and they are gonna be real mad at me

if I bite it out here with you delusional freaks.

I don't need you.

You didn't even get my art!

It's about inequality in rural areas!

Aah! No! Chef Jo ël Robuchon Bear!

Judy, look. It's the Transversal.

Here we go!

It's just an iceberg, you looney tune.

No, no, no!

No!

You ruined everything!

No. Did we miss the salvation?

No. The veil between worlds

is still super thin.

Let's just... jump in the ocean.

No. The water is still very cold in the summer.

You will die and there won't be any Beanie Babies at all.

What? That can't be right.

Don't talk to my followers, Judy.

- You are not my daughter. - Ha. You bet I'm not.

And Sherry, I'll talk to whoever I want.

Judy, I'm sorry we all got so caught up

in the giant vegetable.

Thanks, Dad. I'm okay.

But I am sorry I took a cult out on our boat.

And I kind of didn't want to say anything

because I don't ever want you to think

that you're not enough, but I guess I have been

sort of lonely for a mother lately.

But then, when Sherry almost slammed me

into an iceberg, I was thinking

there are lots of ladies in my life who care about me.

Like Kyle, who lent me her scooter.

And Alyson, who encourages my art.

And Maude, who let me hang my paintings at her restaurant.

And don't forget about me, Judy. You wouldn't even know

who Countess Luann de Lesseps was without my guidance.

True. It's kind of like I don't just have one regular mom,

I've got some kind of Franken-mom,

and she's made up of parts of different people

spread all over town.

An arm over here, a leg over here,

a heart at the, the, um, the gazebo...

And when you guys aren't obsessed with a stupid,

giant vegetable, you're pretty okay, too.

Sorry. We got kind of carried away.

But I mean,

- did you see the cabbage? - Moon.

Our lovable leafy lad didn't even end up winning?

The cabbage lost to the Tuntley's tomato.

Screw you, Judy!

Your paintings aren't even that good!

Not true. I saw her latest work. It was, in fact,

- another fine piece by Jude. - Thanks, Dad.

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