Original subtitles

What's with you? Do you have FOMO? I just heard about that

'cause Honeybee's been making me watch a show called Epic FOMO Failures.

I do not have FOMO, beloved Aunt Dirt.

I have sad-o.

Because, alas, my relationship with Cool Mike has come to an end.

Wait, you were dating Cool Mike? How did I not know that? He's very cool.

Did he break up with you in a cool way? Like on a skateboard or something?

He didn't dump me, okay?

It was a mutual and amicable decision.

So then why the screams, Teen Dream?

Because it is so sad

when two equally cool people like us can't make it work.

Is that why there was no new episode of Judy on Blast on VidVok this morning?

Yes. Yes. I have ended the show.

Thank you for respecting my privacy at this difficult time.

You know what? I think it's actually a good thing that you're this upset.

In fact, I'm thrilled that you're this bummed.

You are?

Yes. Whenever one of my female friends back in Fresno was bummed,

I'd organize an amazing ladies' night.

Your brother can tell you, I have really been missing those.

It's true. She sings Beyoncè's Renaissance album

beginning to end almost every night in her sleep.

I'm gonna fix this for you, girl. A good ladies' night can cure any problem.

What about a very tenacious foot fungus? No reason.

Definitely. But you're not invited.

Judy, you can keep eating. Just blink twice if you're in.

- Blink. Blink. - Amazing.

Trust me, Judy. I've planned hundreds of ladies' nights over the years.

Hundreds?

You're right. It's probably closer to thousands.

I threw one when Veronica got asymmetrical bangs,

and by the end of the night, I swear they were straight across.

I also threw one for Caroline

when her lip fillers hardened into a sort of a beak.

Your friends really shouldn't go to the salon.

- Aunt Dirt, you want in? - No, in my day, a girls' night meant

meeting up at the Lone Moose Heterosexual Courting Society

to have local men evaluate your hips for birthing.

Nuh. On a Honeybee night, it's forbidden to talk about men.

The only D's we're interested in are drinking, dancing

and Domino's limited-edition cheese-on-the-bottom pizza.

- Well, then I'm all in. - Great. We leave at 8:00.

That's only 13 hours away. I better go get ready.

It takes 13 hours to prepare?

Yes, I have to take every piece of clothing out of my closet

and throw it on the floor before deciding I have nothing to wear

and going to buy a new outfit.

Judy, you wanna come with?

Okay. Well, I'll just pick you up some very uncomfortable high heels

that you can take off halfway through the night.

If the ladies are busy tonight, you fellas thinking what I'm thinking?

That we'll miss them terribly?

That a taco is basically just a type of sandwich?

I was gonna say boys' night.

I'm in. I'll prepare my weapons and reread The Art of War.

It'll probably be more of a pizza and action movie kind of thing.

There will be action.

Rivalries, anger, fisticuffs, a raw return to nature.

And let's do dips.

Boys' night. Boys' night. Boys' night!

Get ready, Judy.

By the end of the night, your spirit will be renewed

and your breakup with Cool You-know-who will be a distant memory.

Rest in peace, Dumb Mike.

I can't... ...wait to feel better.

First things first. Let's put the top down

and throw our hands in the air like we just don't care.

Whoo-hoo.

Next up, Dance Cliff. The all-ages danceteria in Death Cliff.

The place with the big cliff in the middle of the dance floor?

Yep. People get hurt there all the time, but it's exciting.

Sorry we're late.

We were getting the perfect boys' night snack from Val-U-Buy.

You can't spell boys without Bagel Bites.

Hell yeah.

And Moon, very thoughtfully, had me take him to the last Blockbuster in the world

in Whippleton to get us two great action films on Blu-Ray.

Anything for my boys.

Why is Moon dressed like that?

A better question, Jerry: Why aren't any of you dressed like this?

How am I the only one prepared for boys' night?

Moon, tonight is actually just gonna be a pleasant eve

with a group of like-minded gentlemen.

Dad, you fool. Plan for all the pleasantries you want.

But when you gather this many boys in one space for the night,

it always ends in all-out war.

That may have been true of boys' nights in medieval times, Moon,

but now we are in regular evil times.

So, let's talk about what movie we're gonna watch.

Olympus Has Fallen or White House Down?

- Olympus Has Fallen. - White House Down all the way.

- I'll kill you. - Over my dead body.

You guys okay?

No. The only real fight Cheesecake and I have ever had

was over which of those movies was better.

A rivalry? How interesting.

I wasn't aware of that when I hand-selected these films.

Moon, what have you done?

- Are you freaking kidding me? - This is madness.

- You have no idea what you're... - And so it begins.

So a few people drowned in the fog machine,

and now no one gets to have any fun?

Thanks a lot, health department.

It's okay, Honeybee. We can just go home.

No, no, no, I've never had a ladies' night go wrong,

and I'm not about to start tonight.

Not for your first one.

I got it. We can go to Takes A Long Way Home

and get spontaneous makeovers.

Nothing says "forget that guy" like a deep smoky eye.

Sure. I have a coupon from them for a free Brazilian blowie.

I think you mean "blowout," but yeah.

What in the world is... No, no, no!

- He's getting out of the car. - Good God.

No! My beautiful tank. My home.

What have you done? All my glitter water's running out.

Why the heck are you driving around with a huge tank of glitter water?

Let me calm down so I can explain.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Ma.

My name is Miami. Professional erotic merman performer.

May I present my card?

You hold them up to your ear, you can hear the ocean.

Thanks?

- Sorry we bumped into you. - You should be.

I have two big gigs tonight back-to-freaking-back,

and nobody likes a dry show.

My car is flooded. Can you give me a ride?

Fat chance, Charlie Tuna.

Dirt! Um, excuse me, sir. Just a moment. Let me confer with my girls.

Of course. I'll just warm up my siren song

while you decide how to make this up to me.

What is it? Are you gonna Shape of Water this guy? I won't tell Wolf.

No, but I think he might be the key to getting our ladies' night back on track.

Really? How?

I'm thinking wherever this guy's going, it's bound to be a party,

and that's just what Judy's booty needs.

Sure, but, actually, I just wanna...

An unexpected twist can be a good thing.

One time we were supposed to take our friend Jessica out to Club Sweat

for a UB40 night,

but we got the date wrong and it was thrash metal night.

But she ended up meeting her husband Thor there.

They just had their second kid, Anarchin.

Actually, I was thinking

maybe if I could, like, talk to you guys about Cool Mike...

Judy, what did I tell you?

Dwelling on that guy is just gonna bring you down.

You gotta trust your Honeybee, okay?

This fishman is just what the ladies' night doctor ordered.

Okay, you're the boss.

All right, let's do this.

But if he turns out to be a real mermaid,

I am turning him in to the government to be dissected.

Mer, man, mer, man, mer, man.

Um, hello again, Merman sir.

We were just headed out for a night on the town ourselves.

- So we're gonna give you that ride. - Great.

If I miss a gig, I'll be in big trouble and I won't get my 14%.

- Sorry, you'll be in trouble with... - My mermadam, Ethel,

who does take 86% of my sensual dance fee and does have a temper.

A violent, insatiable fury.

Interesting. Is there a Mr. Ethel mermadam?

No. I do suspect she has killed two husbands though.

I'm liking her more and more.

Let me text my tank guy to come pick up the tank before Ethel finds out.

Last time I broke it, she broke all my fingers.

Holy crap.

All the ladyfinger confectionery treats I bought her as an apology.

I feel like you paused on purpose to get a reaction.

And I feel like you loved it.

Ooh, tank guy's on the way.

All right, let's flee this scene and heal our team.

Wait till the girls in Fresno hear about this.

This is better than the night we gave a guy in a Grimace costume

a ride to the Olive Garden

and accidentally waited while he did a robbery.

So, why were you all headed out on the town?

Just a traditional ladies' night for a little cheer-up after a breakup.

Classic. Who's our dumped dame?

I am.

- There was this guy... - Who shall not be named.

- That guy is dead to us. - And may be dead for real.

Let's see where the night takes us.

What? Are you nuts?

Olympus Has Fallen is by far the superior Die Hard-with-the-president movie.

The only thing that's fallen is my respect for you.

White House Down is hands down the best.

I don't know how anyone can prefer Olympus.

Gerard Butler? More like Gerard Butt.

Ham, I love you, but you're legitimately psychotic, and I'm not sure

we should be together anymore.

Jerry, please don't say you like White House Down better.

I've already lost one brother.

That's right you have.

Do you see this look on my face? It's a White House frown.

My Olympus torch will never die.

Henry, which side are you on?

Does either movie have minions or nudity?

Channing's down to a tank top at some point, if that counts.

And I'll pick this side because it's closer.

You disgust me, Delmer. You all disgust me.

Cheesecake, I'd marry Channing Tatum in a heartbeat.

You know that. We've talked about that.

But Olympus Has Fallen is head and shoulders above White House Down.

Let's talk facts.

Tatum's John Cale in White House Down is so much more heroic

than Butler's Mike Banning in Olympus Has Fallen.

Cale is a Capitol police officer,

while Gerard Butler is just Secret Service.

It's literally Butler's job to protect the president with his life.

Tatum's John Cale has no such mandate,

yet he still chooses to step into the breach.

I'll step into your breach, Ham.

Gentlemen, we are not going to descend into fisticuffs.

Guys, guys, Dad's right.

I know I orchestrated this chaos, but now it-it doesn't feel right.

This isn't who we are.

Wow. I appreciate you saying that, Moon. I agree.

Maybe we can watch both movies. One group can watch in the guesthouse.

On the tiny TV?

Wolf, this is the peaceful solution.

Fine. Olympus boys, let's go.

Here. You guys can take all the Bagel Bites to heat up out there.

- Peace offering. - Thanks, Moon.

Dang. These are heavy. It must be all those cheeses.

There we go. Let our men's night of fellowship resume.

Bye, everyone. See you in hell.

- So, your first gig is here? - Yeah.

Just 'cause you're almost dead doesn't mean you're not erotically inclined.

All horndogs go to heaven.

I hope they don't riot 'cause I don't have my tank.

Last time, one of them threw a crutch at me when I wouldn't go back to her room.

Ooh. Getting on stage during a ladies' night is

a time-honored way to get your groove back.

We could back you up, add a little 'zazz.

- Can't hurt. - And Judy's a born performer.

She even has her own VidVok talk show.

Had. I, chose to end it... on my own terms.

You guys dance if you want. It's not for me.

Judy Tobin turning down a chance to grab the spotlight?

- That's not like you. - I'll do it.

And if you need me to pop my top off, just give me a nod.

Miss Dirt, hit it.

Yeah!

Shake that fin, bad boy!

Come on.

Hi, Babs.

Gloria, are those new teeth?

I love performing for you guys.

Judy, what's going on?

Sometimes people are very moved by my dance.

She'll recover eventually, but she'll never be the same.

It's not that.

I mean, it was a good dance.

It's just... It's C-o-o-l M-i-k-e.

Seeing you guys on stage reminded me of him.

I know the point of ladies' night is not to talk about guys,

but wha... what if I need to?

Damn, Judy.

I got so caught up in trying to fix your problem my way

that I haven't been listening.

Spill it, honey. We're here. Why did y'all break up?

Did he tell you your legs look weird with your body?

Wait, what?

Well, they don't.

See the thing is, I thought I was his real girlfriend, but then I found out

I was his... his secret girlfriend.

- No. - Yes.

Because he was...... embarrassed of me.

Embarrassed of you? I don't care what his name says. That's not cool.

Embarrassed of what?

I think it was just like me in general, but specifically

my-my... ...my VidVok show.

That's why I deleted all the old episodes of Judy On Blast

and foreswore my life of performing.

Well, it's been a while since I sent a teenager to the infirmary,

but I think I remember how.

So, this fool Mike broke up with you over some show?

It's not just some show.

It was my VidVok show, and it was called Judy on Blast.

- Yeesh. - Dirt!

And it was a live daily talk show where I interview my fellow students

and sometimes sing a little song or do a dance.

But it doesn't matter because it's dead and gone.

So is my budding variety-hosting career.

You see, Kima sits behind Cool Mike in government, and she overheard him

telling his friend Jace that my VidVok show was too embarrassing.

That's why I didn't want to get onstage with you tonight.

Judy, I'm sorry. I promised you a great ladies' night.

And instead, I got you crying in some kind of cursed retirement home chapel.

I really messed this up.

It's okay, Honeybee.

We can just go home, and I'll give myself an impulsive haircut

and start working on a whole new personality.

Now, you hold on, Miss Judy.

Did you love doing that show?

But this boy made you feel ashamed of it?

Let me tell you something.

Being a performer isn't about being cool. It's about being your true self.

- O-Okay. - I used to be married to a woman

who was embarrassed of the fact that I wanted to be a merman.

Whenever she found me in the tub with my tail on,

- she would dump her salad right on me. - What a waste.

But I wasn't meant to live my life on land.

I was born to be half fish and shake my ass for bachelorette parties.

Go off, king.

So I divorced Shaylee and became the merman you see today.

Judy, it's time for you to pick up the pieces of the salad

that Cool Mike threw into your tub.

He may be cool, but you are a star.

Amen and hallelujah!

Now, do you have any idea where we might find this so-called Cool Mike?

He's probably at Crocodile Rob's.

Him and his cool friends go there every Friday

for the Blimey Bondi Beach Bottomless Buffet.

Well then, I think we just booked our next gig.

What about your next real gig?

Your mean mermadam Ethel will be so mad.

This is girls' night, and by God, we're gonna finish it!

That just gave me chills.

Hell yeah. Olympus is falling.

And what I need is some Bagel Bites falling into my mouth.

I'll go heat them up. I have a special technique.

I turn the oven on, then put them in. You'll see.

Crispin, why are you gasping?

No, did all the tiny pepperonis fall off?

Worse. This bag is just full of rocks.

Scoundrels! Moon tricked us.

To quote from one of the greatest movies of all time, Olympus Has Fallen,

which we are currently watching,

"Our foe did not come only to destroy our things or our people.

They came to desecrate a way of life, trample our freedom."

Well, Dad, shall we go to war?

Okay. I tried to be a gentleman, but enough is enough.

If it's war my ten-year-old son wants, then I say it's war he shall get.

Who's with me?

Ooh! Here comes the part where the White House goes down.

Show yourself, cowards!

- What the hell. - We're under attack.

I see they got my Bagel Bites.

What should we do?

Well, we could stay here and hide.

Or I did happen to make 350 very well-packed snowballs

and stash them in the deep freezers downstairs today.

Let's do that.

Yes!

So that's him?

I gotta admit, he looks pretty cool.

Yeah, that's his thing. I hate it.

I mean I love it, but I hate it.

All right, young lady, I did run your request by my manager, Crocodile Tanya,

and she said it did fall under our "no worries" policy,

so whenever you're ready, the floor is yours.

As our beer coozies proudly say, "Croc into a cold one."

It won't be cold, and it definitely won't be cool,

but it will be me.

Okay, I need this area clear, three chairs.

Honeybee, you're filming.

Dirt and Miami, you're with me.

All right, folks, listen up. Bit of a treat for you all.

This young lady hosts a very famous VidVok show

- called Judy On Blast. - Yuck.

- Dirt! - Sorry.

Judy? Man. What are you doing?

Without further ado, round of applause for tonight's entertainment.

Take it away, Miami!

Hello, everyone.

My name is Miami, erotic merman performer.

Crocodile Tom, would you mind passing out some business cards?

No worries.

Okay, everyone, imagine I'm dancing in a tank.

One step ahead of you.

Good evening, everybody. I'm Judy.

- Judy. - No talking, strange teen.

You're just the audience.

I love this.

And in just a few minutes, we're gonna welcome to the stage Cool Mike!

Not cool, Judy. Not cool.

Okay, time for my opening monologue. Miami?

- Sidekick? - So, Judy, what's new with you?

Well, until very recently, that guy right there pretending not to see me,

Cool Mike, was...

- Drumroll. - Ba-bum ba-bum ba-dum.

my boyfriend.

Well, I mean, I thought he was.

But it turns out while he was happy to make out with me

in the janitor's closet,

which in retrospect should have been a red flag,

I wasn't his real boo.

I was his "secret girlfriend."

- Honey, no, you're beautiful. - That's right.

- But he was embarrassed of me. - Rude.

And, yes, many things I do are very embarrassing.

I talk too loud.

I fart a lot. Like a lot. Like several times just since I got onstage.

Attagirl.

And I host this very dumb VidVok show that only a few people watch.

And when I heard that Cool Mike didn't like it, well, that got in my head.

Well, that's a shame. Shame on you, Cool Mike.

But tonight my sister-in-law took me on a girls' night,

and the point of a girls' night

is not just to wave your hands in the air like you just don't care.

It's to wave yourself in the air like you just do care.

We are getting salads out of bathtubs tonight!

Judy, please. Can we talk about this somewhere else?

Nuh. This is Judy On Blast.

Not secret Judy in a janitor's closet near the vomit bucket.

- It's a cool closet. - It is not.

And if you want to talk about it, Cool Mike,

why don't you come up here onstage?

Cool Mike! Cool Mike!

Everyone wants you out here onstage being cool, big guy.

Okay. Fine.

I'm sorry for what I did or whatever, but it's not my fault.

I just have a lot of pressure on me to be cool.

My whole family's very cool.

Don't blame the victim, Cool Mike. Take accountability.

Not cool stuff bothers me.

Well, then don't make out with that not cool stuff near a mop.

Keep talking, girl.

'Cause doing that means that you are factually the one who is not cool.

Not Cool Mike! Not Cool Mike!

Whatever! I gotta go anyway. I'm late for my X Games tryout.

More like "good riddance," Mike.

And now, everyone, put your hands together again for my house band, Miami.

And after his song, I'll be talking to Crocodile Tom

about his favorite appetizers.

Me? What an honor!

Where are you, you little bagel boy?

Attack!

Okay. That was incredible.

I know I've only been on one ladies' night, but I wanna say

that was the best one in the history of all time and also all future time.

So, I didn't let you down?

Well, it took a couple of adjustments,

but I dipped my metaphorical toe fungus into ladies' night, and I was healed!

No, it's Ethel.

Your scary mermadam?

Miami! You missed your second gig tonight, dumbass.

I had to send Cliff the Unicorn in your place, and no one likes him!

He can't see out of his damn costume,

and he knocked over the chocolate fountain they had set up.

Now he looks like a dirty donkey.

I'm sorry, Ethel, but tonight, I had to tend to my girls.

Yeah, well, you're gonna have to tend to me now

to the amount of 300 bucks.

Or we can forget this whole thing, and I could take you inside

for a couple of Vegemite-tinis.

Hi, I'm Dirt.

Deal. But I'm gonna drink $300 worth.

Will you marry me?

All right, let's go put on sweatpants and house these curly fries.

Then we'll take you to pick up your tank.

Hey, hon. How was ladies' night?

Amazing. How was boys' night?

It's still going strong.

I got Cheesecake tied up in the guesthouse,

and I'm forcing him to watch Olympus Has Fallen.

So don't be alarmed when you see him.

Very normal. And this is Miami, my newest gal pal,

even though he's an erotic merman.

Nice to meet you, Miami.

Any erotic merman friend of my wife's is an erotic merman friend of mine.

Get this trash off my White House lawn!

Dad, we're on the same team!

There are no teams in boys' night.

- I think Maude's is still open. - Good idea.

I hope they have the clam chowder. Because I love the sea.