Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language and scenes of drug use.

Before I was beside her, some cigarettes and wine.

I've not got what I came for, but I don't really mind that I said, Rosie,

have you done to me?

I am not loving the train -spotting vibe, Monica.

These buckets are not necessary for someone with a subscription to The

Try some peppermint tea.

It'll settle your stomach.

I always make a big pot of it for all you bosses at work. They hate it, but

for me.

Smell my breath.

I'm like kissing it after it.

No, thank you.

Oh, God. OK, OK.

Right.

Shall we try you on some licorice? Oh, damn your licorice! Damn it to hell! I

wish I could say that's the first time someone's said that to me today.

Who are you?

I'm Rose's best friend, Monica.

Oh, the weirdo from work.

You talk about me.

I stayed with two girls and met at a breakdancing competition last night.

Long story short, I think one's dead.

What? You're joking.

Oh!

Your laugh is weird.

So why are you working for her on a Sunday? Don't you have any self

Scratch that. If you didn't, we would have had sex by now.

Yeah,

you have to do something about that.

Oh, OK.

This is Monica. She's trying me out. I'm giving up everything.

Monica, this is Nico.

I'm sorry. She's doing what?

You know, I told you I need to give up everything.

Oh, yeah.

Hilarious. Yeah, and I'm helping her. Oh, cool.

Cool. That's so cool.

So, are you a medical professional?

No. Our concerned friend.

She's me boss.

Oh, amazing.

She'll be dead by this evening.

Am I going to die? No.

I wouldn't let that happen to anyone.

I mean, we did have to pull the plug on Uncle Len, but he was costing us all.

Do you have any idea how many substances this woman has in her system?

She just has, like, a hangover.

Maybe a fry -up's a good idea.

Rosie, you have the DTs.

Don't be silly.

Only Alkies get the DTs.

Yes. Yes, they do.

Don't worry.

Dr Nico, the failed doctor, is here. She is not an alcoholic.

She kind of smells like one. You are one of those enablers.

I read it in a book.

Guilty.

Drink up, Rosie, and take one of these, what I think is Valium or Benadryl.

That'll knock you out.

And you... be gone.

It's impossible to give up everything.

I just need to cut down by, like, half, 50%. That takes me down from Keith

Richards to Lindsay Lohan, and she still looks hot.

And 50 % of 50 is 25, so we can have 25 of everything, and they'll be ahead of

the game. It's genius.

So, lunchtime tequilas in the coffee room, 10am?

Not today, Satan.

Are you feeling awful? Yeah.

Can I bring you a coffee?

Not today, Satan. Why are you calling me Satan?

Is that my office nickname?

I mean, that's fine. It's edgy, isn't it? I'm cutting back by 50%. Oh.

Do you want half a tequila?

Yes, please, Satan.

Oh, this is easy.

Now!

I'm cutting back.

Well done, you.

Yeah, I feel great about it.

You,

um, fancy a quickie in my oldie?

Um, okay.

But you can only put it halfway in.

It's like I'm so much more regimented now, you know? Like with food, I just

half. Of what I would have. Yeah, I noticed.

You've eaten all the mac and cheese and the bacon and the chocolate cake.

Yeah. And left the salad, vegetables and strawberries.

Mmm.

So, how's Joey getting on with this whole hating me hobby?

Oh, no, he doesn't hate you.

Really? No, he's just, he's just... Sorry, I can't lie, he hates you.

But, I mean, everyone hates their family a bit.

Yeah, you're right.

On our honeymoon, there was a stray dog on the beach named Rosie.

Oh, well, that's nice, I suppose.

No, it wasn't.

It was just making me a bit ill, a bit run down and on edge, so I divide

everything by half.

Can I have a topple?

Oh, Joey will be delighted.

He called earlier. They had a lovely honeymoon. Yeah, I saw Ruby yesterday.

She said he's not talking to me.

Look, love, our Joey's always angry at something.

We think it's because he was conceived in the Troubles.

Talking of the Troubles.

Do we know what we're doing for Christmas this year? What the hell has

to do with the Troubles?

Anyway, because all this cutting down means I'm not ordering knitted come -at

-the -frogs from Etsy at 2am anymore, we're thinking now is the time to buy

Daddy's new heart.

Don't want a new heart.

Oof, your roots need doing, Rosie. Yeah, and I have an appointment later.

New Rosie.

New hair and new heart for Dad.

Nope.

Talking of hair, do we know what we're doing for Christmas this year?

Right, so what I want is to look like someone who is really in charge of their

life. Like, I need everyone to think I am totally on it. But at the same time,

do, like, charity work or something.

But at the same time, don't cross me. But at the same time, hey, I'm

Oh, and I also read Proud.

So, like a Barack Obama kind of thing?

No, Tony.

So, I won't be here tomorrow.

I'm going to take my dad to the hospital.

Mum won't drive in her glasses in case she crashes and breaks them.

Why are you staring at me?

I, er... Are you OK?

You're like an executive mermaid.

Luring sailors onto the rocks to go through their expense forms.

OK.

And speaking of cars, I've got my electric car coming this afternoon.

It's not silver, is it? I don't want to clash.

Is it a wig?

Oh, that's a lovely car.

A salary sacrifice, is that what they call it?

Is the sacrifice that the car has to match your wig? It's not a wig.

Thank you. God's sake.

It is. It's a funny wig. I think she's trying to cheer us up. How's the cutting

back going?

Yeah, it's really easy, Dad.

I feel proper in control of it. It's like a little bit of what you fancy does

you good. Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

Look at me.

I smoked and drank and ate and romanced to excess my whole life.

Fiddler's a fiddle. Yes, Dad.

Now let's get you to your cardiologist before your oxygen tank runs out.

So what they're saying is his lungs, which are attached to his heart... No,

his lungs aren't attached to his heart.

Your lungs take in the air and then your heart takes the oxygenated blood around

the body.

So the blood goes through the lungs and the heart pumps the air out. I get it

now, that's OK. No, it... Yeah, OK.

So if you get a cough, can you still go on a rollercoaster?

Oh, just shut up, please, Mum.

You could always go for a fag.

Now I've had my lot of smoke for today.

Oh, shut it. I'll borrow some from tomorrow.

Doctor. Oh, what's happened?

Mrs Molloy, we decided to keep an eye on your husband for a day or two.

But what about his allotment?

I have two cod fillets defrosting and I can't eat two cod fillets by myself, not

if I want chips and peas as well. It's greedy.

There were a couple of worrying signs on the ECG and we just need to keep him

overnight and monitor him.

Come and see him.

He's just getting changed.

I don't want to see my dad getting changed.

Your father is a fine figure of a man for his age.

Yeah, I'll tell my dad.

I'll go for me thug.

Rosie, your phone.

Huh?

Huh?

Oh.

Oh, dirty messages.

Somebody fancies me.

Oh.

Oh, fuck.

What? My dad's having an operation. I've got to get back to the hospital.

Shit. I'll get you an Uber.

Mum, I'm on my way.

My phone died. I've just woke up.

Is he okay?

Yeah, yeah.

No, I don't know what I'm doing for Christmas.

You can borrow these for January 2024.

Yep. Okay, I'm coming down. Hurry.

Oh, nice of you to join us.

Joey, this is our time. I'm trying to get hold of you all night.

Are we at that time?

Enough, the pair of you.

So, Joey, how was the honeymoon?

Is that okay?

Did you see a turtle?

You smell of Febreze and kebabs. Yeah, I took an Uber.

Oh, yeah.

Your hair looks fierce.

Yeah, I was going for Barack Obama.

You look like Ina McCann from Belfast who went grey overnight when she saw a

giraffe. She looked great.

I didn't say Ina McCann didn't.

She never went back to Toys R Us.

Sir Rosie, um... Of course, she was grey to begin with, but that giraffe had a

profound effect.

Carl!

Where's Carl?

My one brother, he married a Protestant and now look at the devil come to claim

him. Hi, Auntie Cat.

Oh, when...

I brought you a spare rosary on my second mass crucifix. Thank God we're

You can come in now. Not for long. He's had his pre -meds and he might be a bit

drowsy. Kat, maybe you should stay here with the power of Jesus and his magic

wand.

Come on, Auntie Kat, let's go to the chapel.

Oh, look at this stadium.

They won't care for you properly, looking like that.

They'll give you wonky scars.

Who's that now?

Come closer. My eyes are dimming.

I need to tell you.

What's wrong with him, Daddy?

When I was young, I stole a very large amount of money from a very bad man.

What?

And now, as I breed my last, I can finally tell you where it is.

The money is buried up.

Dad.

He's always doing that, ever since he was diagnosed.

Oh, Dad. Oh, Christ.

Holy Christ, Rosie.

You look like you've seen a giraffe.

It's fashion, Dad.

How you doing, Dad?

Tickety -boo.

How is the honeymoon? Did you see a turtle?

Ah.

I brought you a quiche.

When? There's something you need to know.

If that hadn't happened to me... Nothing's going to happen to you, you

thot. No, this is important.

I always feckin' hated Keish.

Oh, but... Oh, my whole life is a lie.

You're a good wife, Winifred Malloy.

And when I get out of here, I'll marry you again.

Ten times I'll marry you.

How do you know I'll say yes? Oh, I know, Winifred Malloy. I know rightly.

Listen, Dad, look... Get out of here, the pair of you.

I want to get fruity with your mother.

Oh, for God's sake, Rosie.

I've cut down.

I did it for you.

Well, thanks. You look so much better.

I won't worry about you at all now.

No, Joey, I've changed.

Look.

Ta -da!

What was that?

No, that wouldn't make sense unless you knew. Rosie, just keep in mind what with

Dad's little health care, you and your mess is the bottom of the do -I -care

list.

Your child.

I was 13 when Kevin died.

Oh? I was 11.

I'm not saying you weren't affected.

But I protected you.

Mum went mental. Dad went to the pub. And I got to watch you as Fat Sam and

Bugsy Malone.

And help you with your homework.

And do the cooking and the cleaning. It was me who had to pick out the

gravestone. Rosie, I'm not saying you weren't great. You were. I didn't go off

the rails or have a rebellious phase because I was keeping it together.

Our parents weren't mad. It was our duty.

Yeah, it was, but you didn't.

You got to move on and go to a uni down south and grow up and figure out who you

are. You've turned out a fine young man, Joseph Malloy.

That isn't fair.

No, it isn't.

Kevin shouldn't have died, but he did.

I didn't have a childhood, so when you call me a child now, I'm just making up

for lost time.

Where are you going?

Going to get you some sandwiches.

No, you're going to the pub, aren't you? You're going to score.

You haven't eaten anything all day. I'm going to get you sandwiches.

He

didn't

even like it.

Jesus, Dad.

It's here.

The summer's gone, and all the roses are falling.

What's drinking today, okay, Rosie?

The A, all right?

Hey, come on, Rosie, just go easy on those.

I am.

I can't drink champagne at my dad's funeral, can I?

Unless there is champagne, because this shit burns.

Hey, just try and breathe.

Yeah, you're right. I need to breathe.

I've got to put back.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

I think this tableau is what he would have wanted.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Will you sleep in my bed tonight, then?

Let's be in.

I mean, there's Malibu and Cointreau and some brilliant stuff they gave me after

my hysterectomy in the cupboard downstairs.

Mum, are you OK?

And if you've finished the bottles, put them in next door's recycling because I

have a grudge against them.

Mum, I'm not OK.

Can you tell me a story?

Like what?

Like when... Tell me about the bears.

I just...

I just want a story.

The birds.

No, you have to start with Once Upon a Time.

Please, Mum, please.

Stroke my hair and say Once Upon a Time.

Once Upon a Time.

That was the story. A big bunch of bears.

And they was all fluffy like.

And they all had issues, like you'd see on the telly.

Mommy bear lost one of her babies.

Oh, those bears.

And then the best bear died.

The daddy bear.

And he'd never once complained about quiche.

Life was over.

And that was that.

Good night.

Mum.

You're not a child, Rosie.

Write your own story.

I am a child.

I've been waiting for seven minutes for you to take your turn.

Shall we just watch cartoons and cuddle instead?

Maybe.

Sounds like you picked the wrong day to give up everything.

What do I do?

Start with the 50 % thing?

Just be myself?

What would my dad do?

Not much now.

He'd say, ain't nothing that a cranny in a cloud with a bunch of fiddlers

wouldn't fix.

They don't say that to be English, though, because it's absolute nonsense.

You could do the opposite.

All or nothing instead.

A sort of tribute to your dad.

Quitting everything at once is just too much.

And I can't cut down because I end up with mental hair, so... I'll give up one

thing at a time.

Starting now.

OK, so what are you going to give up first?

Food, booze, drugs, shopping, fags, sex.

Kumquat.

You're not addicted to kumquat. Hey, sir, I probably am.

True.

So, tonight, and for the rest of your life, you, Rosie Malloy, will never

another kumquat.

That's right, Nico.

I really fancy a kumquat now.

I know, me too. I'm desperate for one. What even are they? I don't know, but we

should definitely order about a thousand of them.

One will fall for every good year.

Rolling down my face.

Inside I'm dying.

Outside I'm crying black tears.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this program, help is

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