Original subtitles

Make sure you do it when you're in there, please.

Okay, nobody crease their clothes, okay?

And make sure you sit up straight when he takes the photo.

Oh, I don't think it's going to ruin a photo, babe, if we have a couple of

creases. Yeah, don't sit down, Flynn.

Don't sit down, Sammy.

Like that?

Yeah, mate.

I don't really like the bow ties.

I know.

I'm not a massive fan of it myself. Yeah.

Do you reckon you could...

ask mum to lose them, or are you too scared to ask? Because, you know, I

understand if... Too scared?

I'm not scared of your mother, mate, no.

Yeah. If you don't want to wear them, you know, you don't want to wear them?

no. All right, no worries. It's too easy. Great, yeah.

Watch this. Yeah.

Sue? What?

Um, just chatting to Flynn about bow ties.

We're not really vibing them. Is it all right if we don't wear them? Is that OK?

That's not OK, Glenn.

They colour connect you to me and Sammy.

You're wearing them.

Yeah.

Did you tell her?

Huh? Did you tell her? Yeah.

Yep.

Thanks for trying, Dad.

Flynn, I actually, mate, I think they look good.

Honestly.

It's got a bit of a James Bond vibe, you know what I mean? Yeah. I think she's

actually picked out bloody good bow ties.

Yeah, you look good too, Dad.

Thanks, mate.

Yeah.

You look like a cockhead. Okay.

That's worse than the velvet bloody suspenders you wore last year. You look

you should be judging a spelling bee. You look like you've been handing out

lollies at a primary school. If I had a bloke at work that wore that, I'd be

ripping it off and saying, hey, mate, put your nuts in a jar in the bloody

kitchen and give us your man card back. It's the disgusting, silky, shiny little

plastic shit I hate.

Sometimes when your mother wants to throw the leg over, she's got this pink,

silky lingerie number there with a crutchless area for easy access.

Do you want me to go and get that to match?

Can you promise me you're never going to say anything that's disgusting again?

Every year she puts me and Flynn in this shit, and then she prints it out in a

massive frame, puts it up on the wall, and I've got to look at it for the next

12 months.

I just don't stand up to her, you know what I mean? There you go, just to make

you feel better.

I just feel like shit because just before, she shut me down in front of

right? And I'm just worried he's starting to see his old man as, I don't

like a little bit whipped, you know? And I'll tell you something I've never told

you before.

I've never stood up to Susan.

No, really.

Haven't you?

I'm trying to be serious.

I'm trying to get some help. You want some real tough chat?

Yeah, go on.

Flynn's already a bit of a soft cop.

He is, isn't he? Yeah.

But there's still a chance for him.

You sure?

Really? What about me?

Huh?

You're too far gone.

But there is one thing you can do.

You have to stand up to Susan in front of Flint.

So he sees me standing on my ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes sense.

Okay.

I'm not going to do it today, but I'll do it next week. Not next week. Tonight.

Tonight is the perfect opportunity for you to say no to this dicky little bow

tie, right? And then when the portrait gets printed and put on your wall for

next 12 months, that is proof.

to your son that his dad wasn't a little bitch. Yeah, no, because I'm not a

little bitch. Like, you know, I'm the man of the house. Like, I am the man of

the house.

Don't get ahead of yourself, mate.

Oh, yeah, I'll go in there right now. I'll go, Susan, go fucking F yourself.

Whoa, that was pretty loud. That was loud, wasn't it? Yeah, loud enough that

would have heard that? Yeah, definitely.

I love your dress, Susan. It's gorgeous.

Oh, thanks, Kat.

Yeah, I like it too. I got the boys matching bow ties.

So cute. But anyway.

I've been meaning to ask, have you been chatting with any guys on the app? I

have. And?

Well, it's actually been really nice chatting and flirting like I'm 16 again.

Really? Mm -hmm. Oh, that's great, Kev.

Yeah. There has been one guy, though, who's a bit, I don't know, full on.

Hmm? He keeps wanting to meet up.

Okay, that, I mean, that's...

Good, right? Isn't that the whole point? Have yourself a cheeky little affair

and then you can move on with your life? Yeah, yeah, I know, but... His name's a

bit... Oh, it's a bit off.

What is it?

Grannyfucker23.

Oh, my God.

I wasn't ready for that.

Oh, yeah.

He keeps saying he wants to come over and help me carry my shopping.

He wants what?

Yeah, and he wants to come over and soothe my osteoarthritis and give me a

rub.

And that sounds pretty nice, to be fair. Yeah, well, I don't have

osteoarthritis, Susan.

Right. Anyway, the final straw was when he sent this voicemail.

He's definitely a serial killer. You need to block him immediately.

Yeah, no. I thought so.

Yeah, look, unfortunately, you are going to run into these types on the app. But

it's fine. Just don't give your address out. It'll all be okay.

Yep. Mm -hmm.

Yep.

Oh, Kerry, you didn't... He asked me. He asked to snip a hole in your bloomers,

too. Are you going to let him do that? Well, I don't know. He asked me for the

address before all that weird stuff. I thought that's how this bloody app

Kerry, you do not give your address out to randoms on the internet. You meet at

a cafe.

I don't know. I'm 60 next year. You should have told me the rules.

Okay, Kes, I'm sorry. I should have let you know. Just don't give your address

out again, okay?

Okay.

And go.

Hey, can I have a quick word? Yeah, what?

Um...

First thing I want to say, you know, thank you for organizing the family

shoot. Mm -hmm. Stop kissing ass and get on with it. Yeah, Flynn and I, we don't

want to wear the bow ties.

Um, you're wearing them.

But we don't want to.

No, I know, but... I'm the boss of the family, and you're my little bitch

husband.

No, I'm not. This role play's not working for me. No, it is. It is. Stay

Stay in it. Do it again and act like a man.

Man?

Don't give a shit. They don't give a shit about their consequences. They

care. They can shoot out their nagging wife. So go again, be a man, and give it

some. Okay.

Come on.

Okay, Susan.

Don't shout.

Susan. Yeah?

Quick word about these bow ties.

Oh, sorry, you mean the bow ties that I spent weeks researching and then got

custom -tailored for tonight's photo shoot? Yeah, those bow ties, yeah.

Why do you have to be like this?

Do you think it's easy being the mother of this family?

What?

And then you turn around to me and you nag me about wanting to have sex. You've

got red dots on the calendar. I am exhausted, Glenn.

Yeah, yeah, sorry. Yeah, you're right. Would you do me a favour?

For tonight, for once, just wear the bow ties, please.

Yeah, of course. Yep, yes.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's worse than I thought.

I can't watch it.

He's beyond being wit, mate. Give it up, Tommy.

I just... I obviously just don't have balls like you and the old man.

Flynn's got no chance.

You know what?

Last resort.

Brave mode.

What?

Get smashed.

What do you mean? Lots of blokes get their courage back after a thousand

coldies. So get absolutely polled and enter brave mode.

I'm going to get smashed at the family photo, Tommy. I've got kids, mate.

Okay, well, keep doing it the way you're doing it, because that seems to be

working tip -top. Yeah, well, Susan, she's not a complete monster. I mean,

can be a bit hard to reason with, but, you know, I can talk to her.

No, I can.

Okay.

Okay.

I was looking for you in drama class today, but you weren't there.

Oh, yeah, my mum just got these bow ties fitted for a family photo, so she took

it that early.

OK.

You were looking for me?

Oh, yeah, we're doing scene work in class and we have to pick a partner.

I was hoping that maybe you'd want to do a scene with me.

I mean, it means that we're going to be spending a lot of time in and outside of

class together, so have a think, let me know.

No stress if not.

Yes.

Oh, okay, great. Well, we've actually chosen a couple of scenes for us.

But I'll show you now. The first one, this one's actually really cool. It's a

funny interview that could really show off our comedy chops, if that's what

you're into.

Yeah. Yeah?

Sounds good.

Oh, and the second one here, this is personally my favourite.

It's a really fast -paced political drama.

Right, yeah, that sounds like my favourite as well.

Yeah.

Um, and the third one... Oh, this one's kind of boring. It's just a soldier

being held by a nurse.

Yeah, that sounds so shit.

Yeah. No, I know. It's so typical.

It's just about a suicidal soldier who suddenly wants to live after being

by a nurse.

Actually, that sounds pretty interesting.

We should probably have a look at that one.

Oh.

Okay, are you sure? There's not really much in it, though.

Yeah. You know, short and sweet, right? I mean...

You're the nurse, I'm the soldier, chucking a kiss.

Easy kissy peasy.

Did you just say easy kissy peasy?

Yeah.

Well, same partners.

Yay.

Okay.

Start learning lines?

Yep.

Oh, no, no. Shit.

Oh, God.

We've got a problem.

What? We've got a really big problem.

What?

Grannyfucker23 is here.

Kerry, you blocked him.

Did you unblock that creep?

Well, look, I like the attention, OK? Don't judge me. It's been a while.

What if Roger and the boys see? Yeah, I know. Please go outside and ask him to

leave. Me?

Yeah. Yeah, please, I'm begging you. Because if Roger sees him, it will be

Fine. Block him. OK, all right, I am.

Hey.

Hi. Yeah, you need to leave right now.

I'm here to meet someone.

Yeah, she's married.

Who's that?

Kerry.

I'm not here to meet a Kerry. I'm here to meet T -slut. Yeah, that's Kerry.

She's married.

You need to leave before you get her into trouble.

Yes. Could you please take your hand off me?

Sorry. Thank you.

I would like to leave, but I can't. Why?

I'm too revved up.

I'm very excited.

Listen, mate.

You need to leave right now or her husband is going to kill you.

Okay.

Just do me one favour.

Oh, Jesus. Yes, okay, what?

Please give these to her for me. What are they?

These are Vickie's.

I was going to feed them to her with some warm tea because she looks so

She's not that old.

Does she have big swingers? Okay, come on, let's go. Go, go, go, go.

Hey, Suze. Oh, Jesus Christ, Grandad. Who's this?

Christ, Grandad.

Sorry.

Who's this?

Who? Your friend.

Oh, this is Granny.

Granny? Your name's Granny?

It's a nickname for Grant.

Oh, Grant.

Oh, you must be the photographer.

Yes. Yes, he's the photographer.

Oh, you're a bit early, mate. We've got a roast dinner about to happen. Yeah,

Grant is about to leave and come back later. Oh, bullshit. We've got plenty of

food. You like roast beef, mate?

Yes, I like roast beef. Oh, mate, and my wife does the best roast spuds you've

ever had in your life. Oh, the big, juicy, succulent, melt -in -your -mouth,

wet... Why can't you get it in your mouth?

Suck on them.

Yeah, it's a special recipe. Her great -nana had it, then her nana had it, and

then Kerry got it. It's gorgeous. You wait.

So many nanas.

Yeah, we'll stay. Thank you.

Will you?

Yeah.

Really? Come on.

Here we go.

Well, this is where we do all the family bullshit every year, the photos,

everything, the Christmas tree over here.

Where's your camera and stuff?

I just shoot it on my phone.

Oh, really?

It's amazing the technology these days, isn't it? You can get the whole family

on that little phone.

Just need to get through the roast.

He's not staying for a roast.

Yeah,

he is.

Grandad invited him.

Hey, Susan, I've got a quick word. No, no, no, not now, Glenn. I'm dealing with

a situation with your mum. Just five minutes, okay?

Um, I have a quick question.

What? What?

What, Glenn? What is so important that I can't wait five minutes?

Come on, quickly, Glenn. Speak.

Sorry.

There you go.

Brave mode.

Uh -oh.

Okay.

Good, bro. Back in.

You all right? Yeah.

My lip. It's really cold on my lip. Barely got down to the coaster. Hang on.

I don't even like it. You've got the last little bit. It doesn't even taste

good.

Can you scald this?

Yeah. How long does it take normally to scald beer?

Not that long.

Do you want me to have a go with you?

Do you want me to have a go with you?

I'll do one.

You won't be able to scald it. I'll do one.

I don't think you're going to be able to scald it, though.

You don't think I will?

No, it's cold, man. It goes straight to your head.

Ready? Watch this.

Fuck.

Oh, shit.

You want another one?

You want another one?

You didn't get through the first.

Don't touch me like that.

Go on, then, bitch.

Okay, you need to... Huh?

You need to take that. Sorry, should we have another one?

You need to take 20 % off. Do you want to finish going mine? No, no, no.

Jesus. Our boys do it. Yeah, okay.

There you go. How's that?

Just want light like that?

Yeah, maybe we could get a model to just check the light.

Hey.

Maybe your wife could do it.

Oh, too easy.

Hey, hey!

Hey!

Come and be a Glennipus model for the photographer.

Oh, no, darling. I've got the spuds on, so I'm busy.

Come on.

There she is.

There she is.

Hello. We haven't met before.

Hey. You look amazing.

She's an old bag, but she's my old bag, aren't you?

She'll go.

Hey.

I love old bags.

Used to model old bags once upon a time, didn't you, love?

You have a lovely neck.

Just like a rooster.

Have you got enough?

Yeah, I think that's enough.

Yeah, just a few more. Just a few more.

Could you just lean forward for me? Okay.

How are you?

This is crazy.

I've got to get a little bit closer to your face for a light reading.

They have no idea.

And they're right there.

I'm really turned on right now.

Can I just get... A little bit of hair. Okay, all right, sorry. Roast ready.

Yep, good. Okay, we'll do.

Thank you for that, granny.

Are

you

not eating?

I don't feel like eating dinner tonight, Susan. Is that all right?

Well, just don't spill your beer on your shirt. Oh, I wouldn't dare, but babe.

Fucking hell.

Grandma?

Yes,

love?

Why is the photographer's hand on your leg?

She wishes a young fella would feel her up.

It's been a while.

She has to play the ivories for a while.

Welcome to Glen's Bar.

Wow. What would you like to buy today, sir?

Wow, you look good. You look confident.

I feel them, but I'll tell you what, brave motor works, mate. Yeah, okay. So

what we're going to do, I'm going to take that one. Huh? I'll take that one.

no, no, I'm drinking it. No, I reckon that's probably... One more sip, one

sip, and then we can... That's

good, very good.

Okay. Have a drummy.

I'm not eating, mate. I'm drinking. Have a drummy. It's better for you.

Fuck your drummies, mate. I don't want a drum. I'm having a good time. I'm

having a party, mate. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Do you remember what the plan was?

Have a big night with my brother. Are we going clubbing? It wasn't that. Do you

remember what the plan was? You got jeans?

You got jeans and shoes? The plan was that you've got to be sober enough to go

inside. I love you, mate. I love you too. You've got to be sober enough.

I don't tell you how much I like you because you're my bro.

Oi, I'm telling you something, fucker, and I'm telling you I like you and

not even listening to me.

Stop.

Stop. Stop.

Listen,

you've got to be sober enough to walk in there and tell Susan who's boss, but

you can't be so drunk you're going to shit yourself.

That make sense? Yeah. If I shit myself, Susan's going to lick it out of my ass.

She's not going to lick it out of your ass. Yes, she is. No, she's not. Well,

something, something here.

You're like this.

Is that Dad's rum?

OP, baby.

Ooh.

OK. Have you drunk this? No, I haven't, but neither should you, so let's... Ah,

OK, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very good. Give it to me. Just getting started on it. Give it to me.

I'm going inside. You're coming in in two minutes.

Fuck.

Fucking deer, dog. They're coming in in two minutes, yeah?

How long are you coming in? Two minutes. Two minutes you're coming in for

photos, yeah?

OK, I'm just flipping it a bit, OK?

Mum, it's fine. Mum,

it's OK. It's fine. Thank you.

OK, everyone, can we have a bit of shush, bit of shush, please? I just need

concentrate for a second. OK, Grandad, if you could just go and stand behind

Grandma there.

Thanks for changing your shirt, by the way. Appreciate that. Flynn, just over

here by your sister.

Thank you. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. All right.

Tommy, yeah, great. If you could just go around the back. Where's Glenn?

Where's Glenn? He's on the way in. OK, well, when he gets back, we're ready to

shoot, so...

Where's the photographer?

He went to the toilet like ages ago.

Oh, Jesus. Okay, I'll go get him, but nobody move. Just hold your position.

You tend to be a photographer.

You take one photo, you fuck off.

Let me keep one.

One, please. Just a little one. A little souvenir. Just for me.

Give me the knickers.

Get this over with, and we can all forget today ever happened.

Oh, Jesus, Tommy, where is Glenn?

I don't hear... I told you, he... Don't talk to my fucking brother like that.

Fuck, he's just mad.

Isn't she?

Shut up!

Leave him alone!

Sammy? What are we doing? Is this where I am, darling? You happy with this spot?

Is the bow tie how you saw it?

Dad, you all right?

Quick update, by the way, Zeus.

I think you're going to be driving home tonight because me and Tommy necked

about 14 fucking long necks out the back. So, Tommy, thank you, sir.

I didn't... Brave mode, baby. It had nothing to do with... I'll be drinking

we get home, too.

If I can open the spirits, bubs.

If I can leave it. All right, I'm going to go and get a towel.

No, sit down.

Nobody move.

We are getting this photo. Grant, throw a towel over. They're just over there on

the sideboard, love.

Give us a kiss.

Give us a kiss, you stupid brat.

Fuck off.

Thanks, mate.

Are those my wife's special underpants? Are those your crotchless easy access

underpants? I can explain.

You better explain pretty bloody quick, mate. Fucking smash him, Dad. Okay, all

right. He put himself.

Yes, and he was very embarrassed, and so I gave him a pair of mine.

What do you mean you gave him yours?

He's a man, for Christ's sake. Me too, Dad. Fuck yeah.

Just shit yourself, mate.

The roast was pretty rich.

Nothing wrong with my bloody roast, mate. There's something wrong with your

All right, can everyone just calm down? Susan, calm the fuck down. The

photographer's going to take the photo and everyone's going to go home.

Sorry to barge in, guys. I've been knocking for a little while. I'm here

Turner family photo.

I can explain.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

That was a fucking good night.