Original subtitles

Maybe the world is blind or just a little unkind.

Don't know.

Seems you can't be sure of anything anymore.

Although.

Henry, could you check for any new spelling?

Certainly.

Yes, sir.

Regarding your recent article on the Middle East, your reference to Yasser

Arafat as a mad dog has gotten this canine very ticked off.

I demand you put a stop to this kind of Bowser bashing.

Perfect spelling.

And very biting commentary.

Well, you know that old Texas oil millionaire who's been my patient for

year, Black Gold Blumenthal?

Yes, of course.

And I think it's wonderful the way your tender care has given that old man the

will to live.

How is he?

He's dead.

But he died with a smile on his face because he'd found a way to reward me

my unflagging devotion to duty.

Black gold at Grandma's favorite car.

Well, I haven't seen it, but I'm sure it's worth a few hundred dollars.

I can sell it and buy me a new sofa.

Well, why don't you keep it?

You know I don't drive.

I sit.

Well, I think it's about time you learned to drive. I'm getting pretty

being the official chauffeur for both our girls.

Of course, she'll need driving lessons.

I bet Henry could teach you how to drive.

He's the best driver I know.

Well, I don't mean to brag, but I did receive the Department of Motor

highest honor, the Order of the Crosswalk.

Perhaps I might be willing to give you driving lessons.

I don't know.

Think of it, Grandma. You'll be independent. No more waiting for buses.

You won't have to walk through drive -through restaurants.

Well, I don't know.

Please, Grandma, having our own car is a great idea.

We'll wash it for you every Saturday.

Don't get carried away.

Well, baby?

I don't know.

Ah, never mind.

You're too old to learn to drive anyway.

Your eyesight is bad, your reflexes are shot, and I doubt if the seatbelt will

go around you.

Oh, yeah? Well, I just changed my mind and my name.

From now on, call me Betty Andretti.

Just a few more steps.

Now? Not yet.

What do you do to stop?

Rope it?

Now, Henry, you be nice.

This is a beautiful machine.

Well, I got to admit, it's the only thing I've seen you can enter in both

Indy 500 and the Kentucky Derby.

Punky, check out these bullhorns.

How about all the dick shooters?

It's like a theme park in here.

driving along and being whistled at by every dude in the neighborhood.

Henry, let's head them up and move them out.

Yeah!

Not so fast. First, you've got to learn the basics upstairs in the living room.

But the car is down here.

Oh. You have so much to learn.

I do?

Do little doggies get along?

Upstairs! Move them out!

This succotash is the brake.

Succotash.

And this zucchini is the clutch.

Zucchini?

And this can of beans is the... Don't tell me.

The gas.

The accelerator.

Now get in the car.

You just made your first mistake.

What did I do?

You walked right through the car door.

or fasten your seatbelt?

All right.

Buckle up the bozo.

Sorry. I'll be serious.

Good.

Now, do you know what this plunger is for?

In case the radiator won't flush?

No, no. It's the gear shift.

Now, to start the car, you step on the zucchini, make sure the plunger is in

neutral, turn the key, and pump the beans.

Pump the beans.

Got it.

Now, to get moving, you step on the zucchini, slide the plunger forward

keeping your foot firmly on the succotash.

Left foot zucchini, right foot succotash.

Now, you lightly hit the beans while eating up on the zucchini.

But what about my succotash?

You don't need your succotash. You need your beans.

But what about my zucchini?

That's a whole new can of peas.

Peas? Do I hit the peas?

No. Your beans. You hit your beans.

Henry. Yeah.

I'll take the bus.

Oh, great.

You stepped out right in the middle of the expressway.

She could have killed us. Take it easy, Henry.

Take it easy? The woman drove into a tree.

most of it here.

You drove like a maniac.

I distinctly yelled sucker dash and you hit the beans.

This is your fault, Henry.

You confuse me when you yell cream corn.

I did not yell cream corn. I yelled hit the horn.

All I know is my beautiful car is banged up and you're going to pay for the

damages.

Me? Never. If you don't pay, I'll sue.

You'll sue.

I'll sue you.

We'll see who sues who.

Suits me.

All

rise.

Court is now in session.

The Honorable J .F. Taylor, Judge, presiding.

You see this?

Henry Warnemont versus Betty Johnson. Betty Johnson versus Henry Warnemont.

Each of you is seeking damages from the other stemming from an automobile

accident. Is that correct?

Yes, Your Honor.

Mrs. Johnson, you're suing Mr.

Warnemont for $1 ,500?

That's right.

Mr. Wannamott, you're suing Mrs. Johnson for $15 million?

That's right, Your Honor.

This hurts.

Mr. Wannamott, may I remind you, this is small claims court. The largest damage

you can collect is $1 ,500.

I'll take it.

I think in the interest of public safety, this woman should be neutered.

That's good.

Get him up, Wannamott.

Mrs. Johnson, your neck.

Oh, right.

Let's proceed.

Who was driving the car?

I was behind the wheel, but he was doing all the driving with his mouth.

Nonsense, Your Honor. While she was driving, I refrained from all

except perhaps for one word which I repeated several times.

And what word was that?

Help.

I bet you a dollar Henry wins because he's got such a good way with words.

I'll take that bet.

I was driving fine until you started making me nervous.

Of course you were nervous.

You're a woman driver.

Oops.

Mrs. Johnson, will you kindly take the stand?

And please remember that you are under oath.

I'm not. Always truthful.

He's the one that wouldn't know the truth if it bit him on the... Mrs.

The court would like to hear your testimony, just as it occurred.

Here it comes, John.

We're talking testimony here.

Everything started off fine.

Henry taught me the basics of driving upstairs in his apartment.

But when it actually came time to get in the car and drive...

He turned into a totally different person.

Right, right, right, there. Right, right, right, there. There, now, touch

drive him, here.

Johnson, help.

Out of the way.

Yes? Yes, what?

You're so exhausted, what?

Very good.

Very well, Pauline Johnson, you will follow instructions very...

Would it be all right? Don't laugh.

You were not given permission to talk. If you wish to sprechen, you will submit

a written request in triplicate.

Now, in the car.

Mach schnell.

What, Macbeth? No, Munkoff.

That is where you are driving, to the corner of Mach und Schnell.

Faster, slower.

Right turn, left turn.

What is it? Could you make up your mind, please?

I am sending you to special camp for rotten thralline drivers.

Ready? You turn.

You turn?

Not me turn.

You turn.

Please, sir. You're making me nervous.

That's when he ordered me to hit the tree, Your Honor.

Thank you, Mrs. Johnson.

I don't remember it that way. Do you?

Um... No, not exactly.

You may step down.

Mr. Warnemont, will you kindly take the stand?

It's a pleasure, Your Honor.

and just told is complete and utter poppycock.

Allow me to enter this evidence as Exhibit A.

The Order of the Crosswalk?

With three oak leaf clusters.

Very impressive, Mr. Wanamott. Please proceed with your testimony.

Yes, of course. And may I add that you are a strikingly beautiful woman and

black is definitely your color.

Mrs. Johnson said at all.

I was the epitome of calm and patience.

On the other hand, her behavior was beyond belief.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

I'm the fox, the guy, the door.

Betty dear, before we get into the car, do you remember everything I taught you?

and the key and... Lord.

Come on, let's go play chicken.

I'm a wild child.

Betty, dear, driving a car is serious business.

Absolutely, Henry.

Hey, Admiral, what do you say you and I go AWOL?

I'm only looking for a few good men.

Get down to the dock, Henry.

I think the fleet's in.

Whoa!

This driving business is a piece of cake.

I can do it with my eyes closed.

Watch.

Betty, dear, keep your eyes on the road and your hands on the wheel.

Oh, loosen up your ham hock.

Excuse me, Betty, but you're forgetting to steer.

I didn't forget.

I'm checking my lipstick.

Oh, Betty dear, we're going to hit that tree.

Step on the brake.

I only brake for sailors.

Suck attach.

Suck attach.

Hit the suck attach!

Your Honor, is exactly what happened. Only an imbecile would rule in her

I think we've heard enough from

you, Mr. Warnemont.

No, let him keep talking.

Step down, Mr. Warnemont.

Floozy. Nothing.

I'm having trouble understanding the vegetable references.

Was there a produce market involved in this accident?

No, Your Honor. You see, the succotash was the gas.

No, no, no. The succotash was the brake.

Oh, yeah?

Then what was the gas?

The beans!

Order, please!

What do you children know about this accident?

We were in the back seat, Your Honor. We saw everything.

Why weren't these witnesses introduced before?

I don't know.

Would you young ladies kindly take the stand?

Sure.

Come on, girls.

Tell the court exactly what happened.

Well, it was just like they said, but totally different.

Henry was in the passenger seat.

And my grandma was behind the wheel.

How am I doing, Henry?

If I'm steering wrong, tell me. If I'm going too fast, tell me. If I'm

tailgating, tell me. You're talking too much.

Thanks for telling me.

Betty, the speed limit here is 35 miles an hour.

Uh -oh. I better slow down.

No, you're only going four miles an hour.

I think that's fast enough for the first time.

We go faster on skateboards.

Betty, do you see that tree in front of us?

Yes, Henry.

Why do you ask? Because you're heading straight for it.

Well, what do I do now?

You miss it, Grandma.

I know that, but how? You give me the wheel.

I will not. I'm driving this car. You call that driving?

Let go.

No, you let go.

He's on the train!

And that's pretty much the way we remember it, Your Honor.

Is that the way it happened?

Yes, Your Honor.

Do you two have anything else to say?

No, Your Honor.

It would seem, then, that the fault of this accident lies with both of you.

And I think if you take off those silly neck braces, you could settle this

yourself.

Case dismissed.

Come on, Sharon.

This was a total waste of time.

Not for me.

You did the right thing, Punky.

It's always important to tell the truth.

I guess I did embellish the facts a little.

A little?

A lot.

Well, I guess I'll have to find a new best friend.

Why?

Well, now that you and Mrs. Johnson aren't speaking, it just wouldn't feel

to stay best friends with Cherry.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Punky.

A friendship like yours is just too hard to replace.

You mustn't let one unfortunate incident destroy it.

You mean the way you're letting one incident destroy your friendship with

Johnson?

Yes.

I see what you mean.

I do regret having let this thing get so far out of hand.

I'm going to... apologize.

Consider it parked.

We're good friends.

Too good to let a silly argument come between us.

Yes, I know.

Don't interrupt when I'm trying to apologize.

Henry, I'm real sorry.

So am I, Bessie.

Tell you what.

I'll split the cost of repairing your car.

That's awfully decent of you, Henry.

And I'll pay the full cost of sending you to driving school.

Truth? Truth.

Did you use the I'll have to find a new best friend line, too?

Yep. Worked like a charm.