Original subtitles

[Principal Secretary] Brought to you by Voice Changer Pro.

Be you, but mysterious, but you!

[Principal Secretary] Ants on a log!

I have ants... on a log!

[chuckles] Ants? On a log? For you?

They're on a log.

We'll take two!

[sighs] I'll need to sell more than that

to fix the cruddy, old faculty lounge coffee machine.

How'd it break?

It was under a lot of stress.

[clamoring indistinctly]

[clamoring indistinctly]

[both munch] Mm.

What? You don't like ants on a log?

I used to love these as a little bird.

Everything looks healthy, but none of it looks good.

Hey, look, Helen has a table.

Health Muffins. Buy 'em, don't, I don't care.

I bring coffee from home now. [slurps]

[sniffs]

Helen, this is delicious! Mm, mm, mm!

I think I'm in love, mm, with a muffin.

[clamoring, indistinct shouting]

[exclaims]

[grunts, sighs, chuckles]

So, you want to join the "Helen's Muffins" Sales Team?

Before you do, I'll need you to sign these NDAs.

Wait, we don't get to bake?

No, I'm the "Muffin Lady." I do the baking.

You're the salespeople.

Oh, yeah, then no. I wanted to bake.

I'm excited to see you doing something positive for once.

I think the world of sales sounds exciting.

Muffins! Muffins! Get your health muffins!

They're good for you!

Ooh, yum! I'll take ten.

I'll take 11!

Look, Bar, it's Tippy from Let's Table That!

She needs a muffin.

Hey, Tippy, uh, how about a free sample?

While that does sound lovely, I already had a treat today.

Oh, not like this one. It's healthy.

It's delicious, and it's good for you.

Oh, well, in that case...

Oh, my, my, my, my, my!

Welcome to Let's Table That.

Joining us today is the creator

of Table Town's latest health craze,

Helen, of Helen's Muffins. But before we bring her on,

I understand she made an ad! Let's take a look!

♪ When you're lookin' for a healthy treat to eat ♪

♪ That'll make ya shine from fur to feet ♪

♪ It's really healthy it's plain to see ♪

♪ But we really can't disclose the recipe ♪

♪ But it's chock-full of vitamins D and C ♪

♪ And all the other ones from A to Z ♪

♪ That's right, I'm here to change your life! ♪

♪ What's healthy and it tastes real good? ♪

♪ Helen's Muffins Helen's Muffins! ♪

♪ What's your friend and also your food? ♪

♪ Helen's Muffins Helen's Muffins ♪

♪ That's not all ♪

- What? - ♪ There's still more! ♪

♪ Are you ready for your dreams to come true? ♪

- ♪ Are you ready? ♪ - ♪ Helen's Muffins Helen's Muffins ♪

♪ Are you ready to break on through? Come on, girl! ♪

♪ Helen's Muffins! Helen's Muffins! ♪

♪ Are you ready for a whole new you? ♪

♪ Helen's Muffins! Helen's Muffins! ♪

♪ Whoa! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Are you ready... ♪

- ♪ For Helen's Muffins? ♪ - ♪ Helen's Muffins! ♪

♪ Helen's Muffins! ♪ [vocalizes]

[♪ song concludes]

Wow. Wow! And now, introducing the witch

behind Table Town's newest health craze,

our resident Muffin Lady, Helen!

We've gotta start by congratulating you

on how quickly Helen's Muffins has taken off!

It's been such an amazing journey, Tippy,

and I did it all by myself!

Ask me anything. I'm an open book!

Well, you're juggling making a treat that is so delicious,

yet so healthy. What's your secret?

What? I'm not telling you my secrets!

[distorted voice] I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

W-- Why not?

Not here. Meet me after the show.

[gulps, munches]

Principal Secreta-- Mm.

I think he wants to be mysterious.

Hello, Mysterious Character.

So, you wanna talk about Helen's muffins?

Listen carefully.

The only way to get to the truth

is to focus on "the ingredients."

The ingredients?

Yes. And ask yourselves, what's really going on

beneath the muffin top?

Ah, I've said too much.

Why couldn't you tell us that at the studio,

Mysterious Stranger?

I was hungry! You don't mind paying, do you?

I lost money on the bake sale this year--

I mean, the stock market.

PS away!

[♪ tense music playing]

Well, I'm off to whip up a new batch

of these miracle health muffins.

- Great! - Great!

[computer beeps]

Oh. Whoa. Holy smokes.

Tell us, Professor Totsy.

What terrible things are in this muffin?

I... I can't.

Why not?

I can't because according to science,

this isn't a muffin...

- [♪ dramatic music playing] - It's a cupcake!

- A cupcake? - A cupcake!

Oh, no.

What? That's a very serious accusation.

And very wrong of you.

Of course, my muffins are muffins!

Says so right here!

Oh, give it up.

We had them scientifically analyzed!

Fine, you're both fired. And you signed the NDA, right?

Yes! But we don't know what that means.

It means you can't say anything bad about my muffins.

Why would anybody sign something like that?

[chuckles] I really don't know.

Barry, I don't think I can let this stand.

It's not right!

[♪ mysterious music playing]

[Helen yelps]

[Helen chuckles]

An oven thermometer?

I think... Is this some kind of reminder from Helen not to talk?

Eh, what's the message?

Is it like "the heat is on" or...?

Eh.

Either way, free thermometer.

No. This pathetic attempt at intimidation

has only strengthened my resolve.

We have to let the public know what Helen is up to.

[phone ringing]

Tippy Snooker.

[distorted voice] Tippy, I'm calling with a tip off.

A tip off for Tippy. [chuckles]

I'm listening.

What if I told you I have a story

that's gonna crack Table Town wide open?

Uh, well, we usually do slice-of-life type of stories.

[shushes]

What if I told you that Helen's Muffins

are actually... cupcakes?

How soon can you get here?

- Were you followed? - No.

- And your informant? - He's safe.

Good. Let's get you both mic'd.

[coughs]

Okay, places, please. In five, four...

One moment. I'm sorry, but our bombshell

muffin-cake exposé was just shut down

by the powers that be.

Shut it down, people!

[bells ringing]

Wait, what?

Who are the powers that be?

Me... am the powers that be.

Glarbin?

Yes. [munches]

Glarbin, you can't do this.

We have to tell people the truth.

Do we though?

If Tabletonians discovered that the healthy muffins

they've been eating are actually cupcakes,

it would destroy public faith in our basic institutions.

People need something to believe in.

- But the cupcakes! - But the... But the cupcakes!

Sorry!

[laughs] Oh, welcome back to Let's Table That.

I'm your host, Tippy Snooker.

Tonight's story: "Rubbing your belly while patting your head."

Science fiction, or the latest teen craze?

We investigate.

[scoffs] Oh, it's not over yet.

- Here are the cold, hard facts! - The muffin is no muffin.

It's a cupcake, everyone! It's a cupcake, not a muffin.

- It is instead a cupcake. - A regular, sugar-laden cupcake.

Well, I'm sick of it! Deal with it, Mom!

[groans] I am done with muffins.

Oh, my gosh, Helen.

You're ready to do the right thing, finally?

The what? No.

Now, that I'm the Muffin Lady, my agent will only send me out for silent baker roles.

I'm never making a muffin again.

You never made a muffin to begin with!

- The power of protest. - The power of protest.

The ants are the raisins. [munches]

[♪ end credit music playing]

[♪ end credit music concludes]