Original subtitles

EDDIE: Easy, boy. Steady. Wait!

Whoa! Fucking wings! What's going on?

(CRASHING)

Fuckin' white horse!

(SAXOPHONE PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC)

MAN 1: Not bad, dude.

MAN 2: Don't give up your day job!

Is he Milli or Vanilli?

You are a genius.

Hey, Roy...

(SAXOPHONE MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hey, Andy! Yo, Eddie!

Drinks on the house!

(BAR PATRONS CHEERING)

Whoa! Hey, baby!

Hollywood.

(POLICEMAN BLOWS WHISTLE)

I said, stop! Hold it!

Watch it!

Hold it! Hold it!

Thank you. No problemo.

Wow. I'm in love. You're a fox, baby.

Not just a fox, but the fox of foxes!

If I was a hound dog, you wouldn't stand a chance.

I'd be snapping at you day and night.

I'm a snapper.

Edward Dash?

That's me.

Take a seat.

Well, Mr. Dash, for your probation, you owe us

100 hours of community service.

Let's see what we've got.

Here's a unique opportunity.

The East LA Housing Facility needs some help with bricklaying.

Hey, no laying bricks or stuff like that.

I don't do that lifting shit.

Graffiti removal?

You heard what I said?

Does that preclude you from doing anything strenuous?

Yes, it precludes me!

(SIGHS) We do have a few less strenuous activities,

but they involve helping the disadvantaged,

and there are certain requirements.

I can have a degree here in 24 hours, from Harvard!

A degree isn't necessary. It's a matter of patience and kindness.

What they're looking for is a people person.

That's me.

Are you telling me that you are a people person?

That's what I'm telling you.

Coochie-coochie.

How would you feel about spending time

with a voluntary patient from the Rivington Clinic?

No lifting? The Rivington is a sanitarium.

Your job would be to accompany the individual to various

"therapeutic and cultural pursuits."

I guess that means taking a patient

to the ballet or museum or such.

Museum? 'Cause, you know, I know a great one of those.

I can handle this.

George, we've been telling you for months

that you're ready to go back into the world,

but you have to feel ready.

Do you feel ready, George?

I don't know.

He is not ready!

You're scared, aren't you, George,

scared some girl's going to ask to see your mickey?

That's enough, Brad. You let him talk.

No, no, that's not it.

He's just scared of lying. Isn't that right, Pinoc?

(AS DUDLEY MOORE) Then his nose starts growing. I hate when that happens.

Are you afraid that you might start to lie again, George? Is that it?

No.

What's a pathological liar gonna say? "Now I'm gonna lie"?

George, yesterday you couldn't wait to go.

Do you remember what you said? "I'm a-ready, Teddy, yo."

What did you say yesterday?

"I'm a-ready, Teddy, yo."

Hit the deck! Incoming!

Why are you afraid, George?

Why can't I just stay here?

Why do I have to go someplace? I like it here.

I feel safe here. Why do I have to go away? American 357 from Dallas.

(AS DUSTIN HOFFMAN) Yeah, definitely US Air. Yeah, excellent airline.

Flight 202 from Baltimore. American. Definitely US Air.

There's a nice young man coming here

to take you to find an apartment and a job.

Job! You're looking forward to that, aren't you, George?

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

He's afraid he's gonna see his old girlfriend,

and he won't be able to get it up. GEORGE: No, I'm not.

Is that it, George? No. Anyway, she dumped me.

She dumped you because you told her you were a brain surgeon!

I did not say that.

What did you tell her you were?

A commando in the Navy SEALs.

(AIRPLANE APPROACHING)

Uh-oh.

George, why do you feel you always had to lie to her?

Oh, she wouldn't have looked at me twice

if I'd just said I was a Volvo salesman for Horst Mueller.

(AS PETER FALK) Excuse me, sir. Jeez, I hate to bother you like this.

I know you're very busy, what with the therapy.

I just need to clear something up.

Are you saying that you're not the governor of California?

Did you fellows know he's been lying all along? I have egg on my face.

Hey, could... Hello?

Hey, can you help me find Nurse Fletcher?

Told me the dailies were great. I don't understand.

They said the dailies were great.

I just don't understand what happened.

Is this your brother?

I think this would be a marvelous time to extract the little present

that we got for George.

(AS WILLIAM SHATNER) Very well, Mr. Spock.

Gentlemen, set your phasers on stun.

(SNICKERING)

George, on behalf of my entire crew,

Spock, Bones, Scotty,

we'd like to present you with a little gift.

Something we picked up on Rigel Four.

It's our way of saying, "Good luck out there in the world."

Godspeed. Show 'em what you're made of, mister. Live long and prosper.

Go where no man has gone before.

Phil, for Christ's sake, be yourself! I think he gets the point.

I was simply saying.

I'm very touched.

He is touched! I must say, I didn't expect

a hat.

An Honest-Abe hat.

It's to house your mickey after a busy day of lying.

I know it's insulting to you, George, but the fellows did craft it themselves.

(AIRPLANE PASSING OVERHEAD) I'm not insulted by this. Far from it.

I'm gonna wear this hat. I've earned it.

I'll treasure it. I'm not afraid anymore, Teddy. I'm ready for my new life.

Then say it, George.

I'm a-ready, Teddy, yo!

Have you ever worked with the mentally challenged?

My sister's a loony.

Oh. What sort of work do you do?

Well, a little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Oh, look, there he is with the hat.

Can I have your Heath bars?

Whoa, wait. Uh, I got a lot of stuff to do, you know?

I got places to go, people to meet.

You needn't worry about George.

He's not a lunatic. Come on.

That must be him.

If he starts having fits, I'm gonna tell you,

I'm gonna see it from across the street 'cause I don't want to be around it.

Mr. Dash, I hope you'll be patient with George.

He looks like a nice man.

I'll go say hello and bring him back here.

Okay? See you in a minute.

Good, good.

TIM: Bring him back here! Eddie. Eddie, Eddie. Hi.

Oh, playing games already, Eddie, Eddie.

This is Eddie, isn't it?

George, this is Eddie Dash.

I knew it! I knew it! Hello, Eddie!

(SCREAMS) Hello, Eddie.

Don't you kiss me no more, man. I'm gonna kick your ass!

Oh, he's gonna kick my ass.

Don't do that! You're funny.

Come on, I want you to meet the guys upstairs. Don't touch me.

Come on. come on.

He's not a lunatic?

Come on! Don't touch me! You mother...

Hi, everybody. This is Eddie, my new best friend.

Eddie, this is Teddy and Phil and Tim.

Tim!

I appreciate it, but we gotta go.

My car's out front. Come on, let's go.

Oh, Eddie says we have to go now, so I better get going.

So long, everybody. Goodbye, nurse.

Goodbye, George.

If you require anything, don't hesitate to call.

(IMITATING WOODY WOODPECKER LAUGHING) Write me!

I can't tell you how wonderful it feels

to be out on my own again like this,

not that I feel sorry about all the time I spent at the clinic,

'cause, believe you me, they did me a world of good,

and I don't regret any of that.

It was wonderful. I wish I could tell you about that sometime,

but just reading articles and seeing newspapers

and watching life and the world and everything on television,

I'm just anxious to be a part of it again.

I understand they put basil on everything now.

I'm very fond of basil. I think basil is an herb whose time has truly come.

I'm not letting you talk at all.

It just occurred to me. I'm hogging the whole conversation.

I don't give you a chance to get in there at all.

Jabber, jabber, jabber, jabber!

Because I'm trying to make a good impression on you. Sometimes I do that.

Whenever I want to make a good impression, I talk and talk and jabber, jabber, jabber.

Shut the fuck up!

Sorry.

(BRAKES SQUEAKING)

There it is.

What? The museum.

Oh, Eddie, this is gonna be fun.

You're gonna have a good day and take care of your life.

Aren't you coming with me?

Hey, I'd love to come with you, but I got a church-group thing.

Eddie, you can't just leave me here.

Oh, please. Eddie, I circled the want ads.

I thought you were gonna help me find... Culture. There it is.

Cultures all you want, right there.

(STAMMERING)

Eddie, I haven't been on my own for over three and a half years.

You're not alone. They got everything in there from Dolly Parton to the Pope.

Eddie, just give me a minute to get used to the idea, okay?

Ready?

No. no, I'm terrified.

Don't be terrified. Hey, George!

You got any money?

Yeah, I'm okay for money.

Well, give me $50, and I'll go in with you.

Oh, sure.

Hey, me and you.

Oh, I don't like it here, Eddie.

Can we get out of here, please?

Did they only give you 50 bucks?

No, they... Hi. How you doin'?

(SCREAMING)

EDDIE: George! George!

Damn you! You see what you did to my friend, you big green fuck!

Oh, gosh.

My cigar! You killed my cigar. I'm so sorry.

Here, let me... Let me help you.

You broke my cigar! I'm so sorry.

It was all my fault. I shouldn't have been running.

Abe!

It's you!

I'm not Abe.

What do you do? Disappear off the face of the Earth

and then come back to kill me, Abe?

No, you're mistaking me for someone named Abe.

Because of the hat? No, but I'm not Abe.

You're not Abe Fielding? What, is this a joke? Are you joking me?

No, I'm not joking at all. I think maybe you had a bad fall, though.

Oh, shit!

You know, Abe, a lot of people would say

it is very rude to bet thousands of dollars

and then skip town without a trace.

You're making a mistake.

Hey, I got some of it. What is that?

The payoff for the bet. What bet?

You won the bet. Dallas won. No, no, no.

I'm not Abe. Abe won a bet from you. Here, take it.

I'm in the clergy.

Oh, really? What church?

Come on.

You want to give it to someone named Abe. I'm not Abe.

Holy shit!

That's what I thought.

Take it. Come on. You think it's me, but I can't take that money.

Abe! Abe!

Eddie! Eddie! This is my best friend. He'll tell you.

You want to know anything about Abe, you ask me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Abe and I are best friends.

Not Abe Fielding.

Big joke on me, right? 8:00, Shorefront Cafe.

I'll have the rest of your money.

EDDIE: Abe will be there.

Eddie, I think he's making a terrible mistake. He might have a concussion.

I hope he has it tonight.

Oh, gosh.

I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this, Eddie.

The guy wants to give you money.

No, he wants to give Abe Fielding money.

I'm doing all this for you. What are you doing for me?

Yeah, but you want me to lie. That's the worst thing I could possibly do.

What good is telling the truth all the time if you got nothing to say?

I have things to say. Yeah, about basil.

I know I'm not the most dynamic person in the world, but...

My ass is more dynamic, okay?

(SIGHS)

You see, you just be quiet. Let me do all the talking.

That way, you ain't lying.

I'd be more comfortable like that.

Monsieur Fielding. How good it is to see you! It has been too long.

Yeah, it's been too long since he's eaten.

I'll move some people.

You a twin or something?

No.

Mr. Fielding, how nice to see you again.

May I take your hat?

How nice.

Mr. Fielding, long time no see.

You can at least say hello.

I don't want to lie, Eddie.

"Hello" is not a lie.

You don't want to be around when I start lying.

All hell breaks loose. Believe me.

I become another person.

When I start to lie, even I don't know who I am.

Monsieur Fielding, how are you this evening?

Well if I were Mr. Fielding,

I guess you could say I was fine.

Very good, sir.

This way, sir, please. Okay.

May I bring the usual?

Two usuals. We're expecting a friend.

A fat guy. He's kind of ugly,

and he owes us a lot of money.

I think he's waiting at the bar.

Thank you.

(WHISPERING) Eddie...

(CHUCKLING)

Eddie, we have to get out of here. This is crazy.

You think I'm doing this for me? Don't make me laugh.

I'm doing it for Mom. You know, my mother.

Wish I had a picture to show you.

She's got what they call a heart thing.

The doctors call it a bum heart.

I was gonna use the money that we get to get it fixed.

I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to help you out.

You know, Eddie, I told you, I mustn't lie.

Okay, forget I asked you. Just forget it.

You can send her some flowers when she's in the hospital,

a nice note saying, "Die, bitch."

Abe, babe, how are you? I didn't know you were bringing a friend.

I'm Al Sandrow. Hi.

So, not that it's any of my business, Abe,

where does a guy like you disappear to for five months?

It's kind of a long story, Al.

I'm asking Abe.

Something wrong, Abe?

He's worried about my mother. Mama's at death's door.

Listen, shithead, nobody's talking to you, okay?

Eddie, Eddie...

I was just trying to tell you...

Don't tell me nothing! I'm asking Abe!

I don't like this, Eddie. It's not polite.

Maybe he can't talk about it, but I can.

Butt out, shithead! I'm talking to Abe!

I don't like it when you call my friend a shithead,

and if you do it one more time, I'll cut your fucking balls off...

Ow. ...which is something I'm very good at.

Okay? Yeah, sure, Abe.

Say, "Okay." Okay.

Okay? Okay! Okay! Okay!

(GULPS)

You trying to tell me something? No, no, no!

Okay, okay, Abe!

I don't want to sound unreasonable.

I know you came for giving us thousands of dollars.

Listen to me... But...

See, when I... But!

Don't call my friend a shithead again, okay?

Okay!

Now you can talk!

"Shithead" is okay. I can live with that.

Do you have any idea what this man has done for me, huh?

Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.

It was nothing. I haven't done anything.

Nothing? Pulling me out of that explosion was nothing?

What explosion?

In the lift at Lady Tushingham's.

Look at him. Look what it did to his brain.

You see that? Look at this.

Hello? Anybody home?

Don't worry. He's got a titanium plate in there. Ow.

When I hit him on the head, that actually feels good.

What the fuck?

(GULPS)

Just don't call my friend a shithead again, okay?

Sure. Okay.

Okay with you, Al? Okay with Al.

Maybe I had you pegged wrong, but don't ever call him...

Okay.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

So, what happened in the lift?

What's a lift?

What happened in the lift? Lady Tushingham, you mean?

Yeah. I'm glad you asked.

This is a wonderful story, Al.

I can't wait to tell you.

There we were, Eddie and me, in England, mind you,

at this really swellegant party.

Lords, ladies, everything, and, uh...

It's not far from Buckingham Palace, by the way.

And Lady Tushingham walks up to me and says,

"I challenge you to pull this finger."

"I challenge you to pull this finger."

You say it.

"I challenge you to pull this finger."

You're gonna love this story.

Yeah.

So what are you gonna do? What do you figure?

What could happen, right? So I pull her finger.

Well, she cuts one.

Whew. Whew.

A rocket to Mars doesn't have this kind of thrust!

And her husband, Lord Tushingham, was trying to light his cigar next to her.

Ka-boom! The place went crazy!

They weren't calling you shithead then, were they?

Then? They probably were.

Like, if you were to call me shithead... No, no, no.

...and give me some money, say, "Abe won this. Here, shithead,"

you know, I'd say, "Thank you, Al."

Abe? Abe, where the hell have you been?

Where have I been? Where the hell have you been? That's the question!

Honey, Abe!

Oh, my god!

Hey, get your ass over here! Give me a wet one!

Hello, luscious!

Hey, you, too. Eddie, Al, this is Fred and Ethel Mertz!

Oh, god!

Sit down! Get a load off your feet!

Bartender, some drinks over here when you get a chance, for my friends, please?

Were you expecting somebody else? We were expecting you!

He wanted to start, I said, "No, we're waiting till you guys arrive."

So what did we hear? You were in South America?

El Salvador.

El Salvador? Oh, my god! What were you doing there?

Dropping live oxen from 30,000 feet on the guerrilla forces.

No. Yeah.

Live oxen? That's right. Yeah, yeah.

Why live oxen?

Because it hurts like hell when they land on you!

He was just kidding about dropping the oxen from 30,000 feet.

Oh, sure,

as if you weren't right there with me in the cockpit when the missile went through.

Oh, I forgot. It slipped my mind.

I can never tell when you're serious, Abe.

I'm in a plane with a dead pilot,

and the cockpit thermometer says 30,000 feet,

and you think I'm making jokes?

What the hell's the matter with this guy? Is he pulling my leg?

No.

So what happened to Lady Tushingham?

Fuck Lady Tushingham!

What's the matter with you? I'm telling you the real stuff!

40,000 feet, a terrorist bursts through the door,

puts a gun to my head and he says, "Amigo, apague el fuego.

"O si no, matale en el toileto!"

How do you like that, Al?

Holy shit.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Jesus!

(CHATTERING)

What was I supposed to do?

Then they pull out their knives... No!

...and they started swearing at us.

We didn't know what they were talking about.

And Eddie says, "Talk English."

That's right. I mean, good thing we didn't know the language.

"You don't talk English, we're going home."

Mr. Fielding!

Mr. Fielding! That really is an amazing story.

You know what we talked about in the interim? You forgot your hat.

We talked about the money that Al owed Abe. Thank you.

You know what I mean? Yeah?

Right? Didn't we talk about that?

Yeah, we were talking about all the money that maybe Abe won gambling,

you know, from this fat man.

I'm not the fat man

like you're not the shithead, okay?

Hey, I'm not trying to be offensive,

but you're right, I'm not a shithead,

but you're definitely pudgy. Eddie?

What? Al's a little sensitive about his tummy.

His tummy? It's been 20 years since he had a tummy.

Oh, my God.

(GASPS)

It's ruined.

Abe, it's your wife.

My what?

You're right. It's Elaine!

Eddie, I'm married.

Congratulations.

What am I gonna do?

You son of a bitch.

Hello, darling.

You are not my husband.

I think I could explain...

You are an inconsiderate child.

You are an insect. You are a piece of dust.

How dare you humiliate me this way in front of our friends?

I'm really very disappointed in you, Gail.

You could've told me he was back.

I didn't even know he was gone.

Oh, like hell you didn't.

What have you got to say for yourself?

I missed you, dear.

Come on. Where are we going?

You've got some explaining to do.

EDDIE: Abe, the money.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

I cannot think of a single reason for us to stay together, not one.

Well, I can think of one pretty darn good reason.

How about the kids, huh?

I mean, is it fair to them

to make them the innocent victims of this?

What kids?

We don't have kids?

Bear with me.

I'm a little... I had a cocktail at the restaurant.

Oh, you are really starting to drive me crazy.

Honestly, dear, I think that you've made an awfully big mistake.

The big mistake was marrying you.

No, I mean a mistake that you think

I'm someone else than who I really am.

What you are is a lying bastard.

Get your hand off my knee.

I don't think I lie that much anymore.

Well, I lied a little bit tonight,

but I was under a lot of pressure,

considering this was my first night out.

Otherwise, I think I've made a lot of progress.

I really do.

Just what did you catch this time?

I didn't catch anything.

You went fishing for five months,

and you didn't catch anything?

I guess I used the wrong bait.

"Used the wrong bait."

Will you please not insult my intelligence?

I happen to know you were with Angela Davenport the entire time.

Will you close the door, please?

And don't deny it.

Don't even try because I got it right from the horse's mouth.

You mean, Angela told you?

No, Angela's husband told me.

Oh, gee.

What on Earth have you got in that foolish-looking little bag?

My raincoat and rubbers.

He also told me that when he found you,

he was going to cut you up into infinitesimally small pieces.

Too bad he was bluffing.

I've been murdered.

Oh, my God.

(GROWLING)

A little doggy. Cute little doggy. Oh.

Nice doggy. Nice doggy.

(BARKING)

Yes, sit. Good boy. Oh, oh, oh.

Be a good boy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Nice doggy. Nice doggy. Nice doggy.

Ooh. Elaine? Elaine?

Elaine?

Oh, Mrs...

Good boy! Sit! Sit! Sit! Be a good doggy.

(DOG WHINING)

Elaine, I have to tell you something.

I think something terrible may have happened.

What?

I'm, uh...

What?

I have to... I have to...

What?

I have to... I have to...

What?

I have to... I have to...

What?

I'm on her breast to tell you the tittie hooth.

Angela didn't forewarn you about her implants, did she?

Honest truth.

Did you find out in bed, or did they rattle when you danced?

You know, it's very difficult for me to be honest with you

at a time like this.

Give it a whirl, Abe.

Well, I like... I want to...

I want to...

You want to say something to me?

Yes, I do,

and I want to be completely honest and get this off your chest.

I mean, get this on your breast.

I mean, my breast.

Get this off my chest.

Give it a try. Give it your best shot.

The truth, Abe. Let's hear it.

(SIGHS) Elaine, I am not your husband.

I'm a Volvo salesman.

(ROBE RIPS)

You are really beginning to fray the edges of my patience, Abe.

I've never... I've never been to Yosemite.

(SCREECHING)

Oh, man.

He done landed in tall cotton!

Hey, baby! Holy shit, this is great!

They don't have this much acreage in the projects.

Oh, man! Are you kidding me?

Holy shit! Wait!

Huh? Kiss my ass!

Coochie-coochie?

Come here, little puppy.

Come here. Suck your dick.

All right. Whoa. whoa.

Is this 1145 Stoneridge?

Got some candy for you. Goddamn it, you bit my...

Nice baby. Good fellow.

Hey, Abe!

Jesus. Abe!

Holy shit.

Abe! Whoa.

Abe?

Abe!

How you doin', Abe?

What, you eatin' breakfast?

Hey, another chair?

Abe, this yours? Is it?

You don't need this, Abe.

Hey!

Uh-oh! Abe!

Abe?

Abe!

Eddie. Yo, Abe.

Eddie, I knew you'd find me.

I knew you'd find me. Don't touch me, Abe.

Don't touch me. Come on. Just a little. Just let me hold your hand.

No, just... Hey, don't touch me!

How did you find me?

It's not hard. You're in the phone book, listed under "Abe Fielding."

That was smart. Hey.

Okay, okay!

Can I call you Abe?

You know my name is George.

George, right. Your name is George.

I don't know why you make such a big deal about a little touching.

Yo, Abe... I mean, George, how many acres we got here?

None.

None? Looks like more than that to me.

That's because you think I'm Abe Fielding,

but I'm not, Eddie. I don't even know Abe Fielding,

but I think I know what happened to him.

I think he was cut up into little pieces by somebody's jealous husband.

What the hell are you talking about?

You don't believe me. I'm not Abe Fielding.

Hey, man, you're at the Pearly Gates. Don't choose hell.

What are you gonna say?

I'll say that I don't have a place to stay.

I'd like to stay with you for a while.

Why don't you ask her for me, okay, pal?

GEORGE: Hello, dear.

Mrs... Honeybun?

Yes?

Uh, Eddie wants to know if he can live with us for a while.

You know, just for a little while until my mom gets better.

A couple years, tops.

No.

No? What do you mean, no? Come on, peaches.

"Peaches"? Yeah,

I mean, Abe has something to say. Just hear the man out.

All right, what is it?

Well, you know, Elaine,

Eddie isn't who you think he is.

No? Who is he?

Did you ever hear of a prize fighter by the name of Joe Frazier?

You mean, the Thriller from Manila?

That's it! The Thriller from Manila.

Oh.

You know, right after that fight with Ali,

when they were both in the Philippines,

Joe Frazier got malaria, and he lost a lot of weight.

(CHUCKLING)

I mean, a lot of weight. Even shrunk a little bit.

And after they got it under control,

even then he thought, well, if anyone ever saw him like that,

you know, his career as a prize fighter would be finished.

No one would ever give him a shot at the title.

So he decided he better change his name

and his identity for a little while,

just till he could sort of work his way back into shape.

It's been a rough road back, right, champ?

Hey, I'm not complaining. You know what I mean?

I just want another crack at the title.

That's it. Save 'em. Save 'em, pal.

I'm gonna help you, Joe. I mean, Eddie.

Sorry, champ. I won't slip again.

You know... You know, Elaine,

he's the best friend I've got.

He just needs a place where he can,

(SNORTS)

you know, lick his wounds for a while, and...

And put about, maybe, 50, 60 pounds back on.

That is an amazing story.

Thanks.

I was very rude to you a minute ago.

I'm awfully sorry.

I want you to stay. Really, please do.

I feel so exposed.

Please, let me see if I can get the guest bedroom made up.

I'll be right back.

Aw, shit, man.

Hey, before I met you, the term "bullshit artist" was an empty phrase,

but working with you has made me a better liar.

You're just describing everything I don't want to be.

(GASPS)

Look at this.

It's a Rolex. This is money.

Jeez. Gold rings. My God...

Eddie, what are you doing in here?

You said you were going to take a little walk outside.

I was looking all over for you.

I was looking around at some of Fielding's stuff.

I was doing a little research. You know what I mean?

Like this pipe. You put this pipe in your mouth,

and you'll feel like Fielding.

Then a dash of his cologne. Mmm!

Put on some of this. Smell like Abe.

Before you do the thing, you know?

Before I do what thing?

Hey, the woman hasn't seen you in five months. She's expecting something.

You got to give her some of what she expects, you know?

A little padumph, padumph.

Eddie, I...

I can't do padumph with...

(STAMMERING) That would be under false pretenses.

What false pretenses? She probably thinks you're her husband.

She'll turn the TV on.

(I LOVE LUCY THEME PLAYING ON TV)

What are you gonna say to the lady?

Well, I would say, "Oh, gosh, Elaine,

"you look just lovely tonight."

No, no, wait. Whoa. You're not gonna say that.

That's the kind of thing Boy Scouts say on a trip

when they're trying to sell cookies. But I don't wanna be...

I'm not going to be crude, Eddie.

Nobody's talking crude.

I'm talking, be suave, debonair. You gotta be Cary Grant.

Cary Grant?

Yeah, what do you think? Cary Grant on a date, he wants to do the thing

and he says to the lady...

No, no, I hope not.

No, Cary Grant's smooth, debonair.

He says something like, "Judy, Judy, Judy,

"you want to padumph, padumph?"

That's what he would say?

Hey, either that or, "You want to fuck?"

No.

LUCILLE BALL ON TV: I'm a dipper from way back.

This is your night.

I don't think I can do it.

Come here a sec. This is gonna be it.

I'm a little nervous.

You go in there. This woman has a thing for you. I saw it in her eyes.

Yeah?

Put some of this on. There you go.

Not bad, is it?

(SIGHS)

Now look, you go in there, and you think Cary Grant.

Uh-huh.

Come on. Judy, Judy.

Yes, sir. Okay. Help me.

That man couldn't get laid in a woman's prison with a pound of pot.

All right, girls. Now, this is your last chance.

If one piece of candy gets past you and into the packing room unwrapped,

you're fired.

Let her roll!

What are you doing?

Judy, Judy.

Could I interest you in a little padumph, padumph?

Who are you talking to?

You.

I just wanted to know if you'd like to have a little padumph.

Padumph?

Oh, gosh, Elaine.

Do you know how long it's been since I've done the thing?

Are you for real?

You bet.

(HORN HONKING)

Who could that be?

Look, Abe, there's a car coming up the driveway.

(DOG BARKING)

I don't know who else but you would come barreling up at this hour.

My God, it must be Abe.

Oh, will you please not do that anymore?

I'm sorry. I mean, it must be me.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

Would you go down and see who it is?

I'll be down in a minute.

Okay.

(DOG BARKING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Oh, hi!

Hey, there's someone at the front door.

So?

I'd like you to come with me.

(EXCLAIMING)

What's all this stuff?

It's the stuff that I'm taking to get cleaned.

Oh, yeah, looks pretty dirty.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'd like you to answer it, Eddie. Would you?

Yeah, you're the maestro.

Well, if it ain't Mr. Finger-on-the-bell.

How dare you! Open this door. Open it!

Just who the hell are you?

I demand to know, and I mean now, mister.

I mean, right now!

Who the hell are you?

Elaine? Elaine, you all right?

Hey, I'm Abe Fielding's best friend, you asshole!

(DIBBS SCOFFS)

I mean, you think you can just come in here

and talk to me like I'm shit?

Oh, please, please. You don't even know Abe Fielding.

You wouldn't know Abe Fielding if you were talking to him.

Wait a minute. You Abe Fielding?

No, I'm not. Elaine!

My name is Rupert Dibbs.

I happen to run Abe Fielding's business.

Elaine! Dibbsy!

Abe? Abe!

You old duffer! How's the boy?

My God, you're back!

Long time no see, pal!

Eddie, I bet you thought that was Fielding for a while, didn't you?

Well, it's kind of dark in here.

Eddie, you know how I knew it wasn't Abe Fielding?

No.

'Cause I'm Abe Fielding!

Oh. Remember?

Abe, how you doing, you old duffer?

Fine, fine!

Hey, Dibbsy. Give me a wet one.

A what? Come on, come on, come on! Come on, come on.

You son of a gun!

What, have you lost your mind?

Look at that tie. Not even one...

Beautiful bow tie... Not even a phone call in five months?

...like the old days.

I'm not saying you didn't deserve... Don't start lecturing me.

No, no, no, no, everybody deserves a vacation, but...

No lectures, no lectures.

Come on, come on... Everybody deserves a vacation,

but how am I supposed to run a business...

Let me see what I can fix for you.

...without the occasional phone call? Brandy still your drink?

I don't drink. I still can't get this guy to take a drink.

By the way, this is my best friend, Eddie Dash.

Elaine. No, Eddie.

Rupert, what are you doing here?

Um, I have some papers that need power of attorney,

but you're here, so maybe you can sign them for me, Abe.

Sure.

Just need your signature.

You want my Fielding on that?

I sure do. You bet!

I want it right there and right there.

Okey doke.

How are you fixed for cash? Cash?

Oh, we're a little short. "We"?

Yeah, we got some things to do downtown.

Uh-huh. I understand.

There you go.

I think that should take care of it.

(WHISTLES)

Uh, Abe, why don't you tell the man about the credit card you lost?

Uh-huh. Well... EDDIE: Didn't you?

Yeah, I don't know what I did with them.

This should take care of that.

Look at that!

Dibbsy to the rescue. Just like the old days, huh?

What a guy.

Oh, gosh, Abe, you're lookin' in the pink.

That's my color, pal.

You back for a while or you gonna be shipping out?

Well, you better ask the little lady about that. Okay.

ELAINE: Gonna be sticking around for a while.

GEORGE: See that? She's the boss.

Credit cards. Money.

Pussy.

You bet your boots.

Elaine, you look great.

I'll see you soon, Abe. Yeah.

Welcome home. Nice to see you again.

Uh, mister... It's been a pleasure. Maybe I'll see you again.

Hey, you can bank on it.

Abe? Hmm?

Who is that bum? Is he some fishing buddy?

I mean, why don't you get rid of him?

You know, Dibbsy,

you're my business manager, and I respect you for that,

but don't ever call my friend a shithead again, okay?

I said no such... Okay?

Okay? Okay? Okay, Dibbsy?

Hmm? Okay.

Okay. Good night.

See you soon.

Hey, Dibbsy.

Ready to turn in, sweetheart?

That was so rude.

What do you mean?

I can't believe you talked to Rupert that way.

After everything he's done for you.

I wasn't rude to him at all.

I was trying... Elaine!

Please, stop. Don't try and explain.

I'm going to bed, alone.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Eddie? Hey, Eddie?

(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)

Eddie!

Oh, my goodness!

(CHATTERING)

What? Elaine?

What? Can I say just one thing to you?

What? Goodbye forever, dear.

What's going on? I can't stay in this house alone with you, Elaine.

I mustn't be alone with you.

Why? What's the problem? Eddie's coming back.

Look at me. I can't look at you. If I do, I'm a goner.

I'll never leave this house.

You remind me so much of a girl I was in love with once.

At least I thought I was in love with her till I met you.

I got her to love me by lying, and I must not do that again!

Look at me! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!

Are you leaving me for good?

I'm not Abe! I'm not married to you!

I'm George! I'm just a Volvo salesman for Horst Mueller!

Look at me! Look at me!

Oh, taxi! Taxi! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Just give me a little kiss goodbye. A kiss?

One little kiss.

Taxi! Oh, taxi!

What... Abe! Where are the taxis?

I tell you, George, if what you say is true, I find that admirable.

You were totally honest with her.

You left the woman you loved rather than lie to her.

How do you feel about that, George?

Who took my red?

George, I'm asking you...

I'll answer you, but who took my red?

Hey. Hey.

(AS WOODY ALLEN) I can't believe I had the red

at the exact moment that you wanted it.

I should be stripped naked and have scalding matzo-ball soup

ladled over my genitals by Dolly Parton.

Phillip, put a clam on it! I'll try.

George, how does it feel to be an honest person?

Where's my green?

Did you pump up your mickey before you showed it to her?

Who has the green? You know, George, sometimes a patient's first day

away from the clinic can be quite stressful.

Is it possible there was no Mrs. Fielding?

(AS PETER FALK) Wait a minute!

Maybe he is Abe Fielding, and he was lying to us about that, too.

What do you think? Huh? Just a theory.

Poor Miss Fielding.

I bet she's crying her eyes out.

That's enough. Stop it.

Look, I'm not saying you don't have some limited acting ability.

Limited acting ability?

Listen, bud, these are real tears.

What I am saying is, when I hired you,

you told me you were a professional actress.

I am, sort of.

All right, I'm basically a vocalist, but I am studying acting,

and I'm told by my teacher I am remarkably naturalistic.

Yes, well, that's not quite what you told me two Abe Fieldings ago.

Excuse me, they both believed I was Mrs. Abe Fielding.

Let me also add this. I think my accent was impeccable.

Despite your impeccable accent, they both chose to leave.

That's not my fault as an actress.

You can't just take any nut out of a sanitarium and expect me to convince him

he's Abe Fielding. That was not the job!

I don't care if they are convinced that they're Abe Fielding.

The job was simply to entice them,

to make them want to be Abe Fielding,

but these guys are running from you like the plague.

I will not be handled.

I told you that when I took the job, and it still goes.

And if that's changed, I don't want the job anyway.

That is just fine. That's fine!

Give my regards to your friends down at the unemployment office,

Miss Mimi Kravetz, professional actress.

You're going to be spending a lot of time with them!

You know, you've got an unerring instinct for the jugular.

I'd like that last Fielding back.

Uh-huh. The liar. A liar is perfect.

No, no, not him.

Come on, I felt sorry for that guy.

Why on Earth would you feel sorry for him?

Nothing bad's gonna happen to him.

Would you like a cappuccino?

All right,

but, no, not that poor chump.

I think he was soft on me.

Why wouldn't he be soft on you? You're a beautiful girl.

Sit down.

Here.

Look, what say you take another crack at that role?

He's not gonna come back without his friend.

Don't worry about him. His friend is mine for bail money.

What do you mean? He's in jail?

I had him arrested.

The schmuck stole Abe's credit cards.

Bail money? You want me to work your little scam for bail money?

Shh! Now, no one is trying to get you to run anything.

I just want you to bring your friend back for one week.

Unless you want to stay in here, I suggest you do as I ask.

Tell me, is this a sink or a toilet?

Stick your head in it and find out.

Let me explain something to you.

I don't work with amateurs, like singers and actors.

There's only one singer involved in this, and that's Mimi Kravetz.

The rest of these people happen to be damn fine actors.

I cast them myself.

That's Jerome Handy as Al, the bookie.

You know him from... Did you see his Man of La Mancha at the Pasadena Playhouse?

I'm afraid I missed that. Well, it was super. Super.

You've never run a professional scam in your life, have you?

No, of course not. I'm a legitimate businessman.

I run Abe's business.

I thought so.

A professional would never use amateurs.

They crack out of turn.

"Crack out of turn." I don't know what that means.

It means that I'm a professional con man. This is what I do for a living.

What you got here is not a professional con.

What I got here is 10,000 bucks.

It's for you if you bring your friend back for one week.

(SIGHS)

You gotta tell me more of the scam.

(GROANS) I will in due time.

Excuse me.

Oh, please.

Look, just take five grand now as a down payment, okay?

I don't usually work with amateurs,

but you've caught me at the right time.

Wish me luck. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What's the matter? Nothing's the matter.

I just gotta pave the way for you. What do you mean?

I mean, I talked to her doctor-psychiatrist person.

You gotta take it slow and easy with this George shit.

She still thinks you're Abe.

All right? She's in denial.

She's got what they call, medically speaking, a bum head.

Oh, dear.

After I talk to her, you can come up and do your stuff.

Okay. Don't be long.

Hey, am I interrupting?

It's the Thriller from Manila.

That's me. The old...

Fourteen rounds, you know?

I was scared to go 15.

Oh, yeah.

Did Dibbs tell you I'm in?

Yeah, he told me.

Uh, Seppo, could you leave us for a minute?

Yeah, Seppo, I'll take over from here.

What do you want?

I just want to tell you, I think the guy's in love with you. He's downstairs.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

Hey, Duane, give the man a break. Come on!

I'll let you hump my leg. Come on, baby.

Hey, it's all right, George. You can come out now.

Good boy. Good boy.

Hello, guess who's here?

Oh, honey, I'm home,

and I'm ready for love.

Oh, boy.

Honey, it's me.

Eddie, hiya.

Remember me from in the car downstairs a little while ago?

I made a joke, Eddie.

Am I interrupting something?

No, we're just talking and... Never mind.

You two keep talking, get together.

See you later, Eddie. You're damn right.

Como esta, mi chiquita caliente?

Molto bueno.

So, long time no see. What are you doing here?

I brought you some candy and some flowers

and to tell you that you and I had something, Elaine.

I saw it in your eyes last week, and Eddie saw it, too.

So don't deny it. So what are you saying here, that you'd like to stay?

Would I like to stay? Would I like to stay here with you?

Are you kidding?

Whoa!

If I could stay here with you, I would climb... I would... I would swim.

I would make myself into a... I would stay here forever if you'd let me, Elaine.

Let's just see if we can get along, okay, doll? For, say, a week or so.

Well, I want much more than that, Elaine.

I want to know everything about you, and I'd like you to know all about me, too.

We might just find out that we have a lot in common.

What... What... What could we have in common?

Basil. I love basil.

Do you like basil?

It doesn't sweep me off my feet.

Try this. My favorite color is brown, I subscribe to the Reader's Digest,

I love yodeling, and my favorite food is

wiener schnitzel with rot kraut and kartoffeln.

Do you like wiener schnitzel with rot kraut and kartoffeln?

You do! I hit a bone! I hit a nerve!

I hit something. I can see it in your eyes. You like it, too.

I'm gonna win you over, Elaine. I'm gonna romance you.

I'll wine you, and I'll dine you.

And one day, you're gonna feel about me the way I feel about you.

Wow!

You look really familiar. How you doin', legs?

The name is Gloria, not legs.

You! You?

I've been dreaming about you. What are you doing here?

I'm here to see Dibbs. I got an important appointment.

Yeah, right.

Gloria, this report... Eddie.

Eddie! Dibbsy! How's the boy?

I'm glad you could make it. I guess this can wait.

Ever been to a brewery before? No.

How about a little tour? That would be great.

Listen, are you busy Saturday night?

Maybe. Maybe not.

That's nice. I like that.

I'll see you Saturday night, okay?

You payin'? (SCOFFS) That's cute.

Fine thing. Jeez.

When Abe Fielding Sr. died, everyone assumed I would inherit the brewery.

Then, it turns out he has a son.

Can we talk about Gloria for a minute? Later.

As I was saying, we finally track down this Abe Jr.

10 minutes after an ugly accident during a monk dance of death.

The guy had gone off to Tibet.

Now can we talk about Gloria?

Do you mind? Anyway, the only way to keep the estate out of probate

was to convince someone to be Abe Jr.

We found George in the loony bin, a liar. Get it?

So we doctored up a photograph, hired a couple actors, and here we are.

Does she always look that good?

Sorry. I think I'll find out for myself Saturday night.

Maybe we could go and do a little padumph. Padumph?

Yeah. Hmm. Never done that before.

I think you'll enjoy it.

See that guy over there?

He's one of the greatest sax players I've ever heard.

What's his name?

Eddie. Eddie Dash, right?

Yeah, amazing.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have someone very special here tonight.

One of the greatest sax players around,

the one and only Mr. Eddie Dash!

No, no.

You don't... See, but that's the wrong...

Come on, man. Come on up.

EDDIE: Oh, God, no.

Huh? Oh!

Go on up. Don't be modest. Just go.

Just go? Yeah, go.

I... No. Me? I... No, no...

(MUMBLING)

What will it be?

Uh, it really doesn't matter.

The guy's a pro.

Okay. A-one, two, a-one, two, three.

(BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC)

(OFF-KEY)

MAN: Miles Davis' twin...

That guy could rip the pages.

Everybody!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh, my god.

Hi. Hiya.

You know a lot of people here.

I used to come here all the time.

This is us, honey. This is your table.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

Yes.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Here's the music.

Uri?

Good evening, honey.

You know, as we look towards the east

and see a united Deutschland, it behooves us to stop and think

about what walls can do, walls between nations,

walls between peoples

and walls between you and me, Elaine.

(GROANS)

But if that darn wall in Berlin can come down,

then maybe it's not too much to expect

the wall between us to come down, too.

Who knows? Maybe it just takes a dance

(BAND PLAYING CHORD)

or a glance

or a chance to...

(BAND PLAYING CHORD)

To sing a song.

I call this Yodelaine.

(GROANS)

MAN 1: Get off the stage!

MAN 2: Sit down!

¶ Yodel

¶ Elaine

¶ My heart's aflame

(YODELING)

¶ Yodelaine

¶ I'm not insane

(YODELING)

¶ Yodelaine

¶ You screwed my brain

(YODELING)

¶ My Elaine

¶ I love you ¶

(YODELING)

(YODELING)

(BOTH YODELING)

Oh, my god! It's Mimi Kravetz!

Don't tell anybody about this. What?

(ELAINE WHISTLING)

(HUMMING I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE)

¶ I'm in the mood for love

Damn.

¶ Bright as the sun

¶ Oh, is it any wonder

¶ I'm in the mood for love ¶

(HUMMING)

Hey, what are you doing up there?

I know you're in the swing of things,

but we got business to take care of.

What business?

We gotta check him into the dentist as Abe Fielding.

Why?

Dibbs wants to see his dental charts.

Oh. Bye-bye.

(YODELING)

(GEORGE YODELING)

DENTIST: Mr. Fielding, are you still feeling the effects?

ASSISTANT: Can you say something?

Don't call my friend a shithead.

Of course he has.

Well, okay. Now, Mr. Fielding,

you just have one cavity,

so all you will hear is the sound of the drill.

Tsk. Tsk.

Tragic.

Were there any survivors?

No one.

The thing blew up. Oh, how awful.

It says here that the bodies were charred beyond recognition.

Oh, my god.

Well, at least they'll know who they're burying.

How would they know who they're burying?

From the dental records.

They'll check the dental records.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

George! George!

Abe? Abe Fielding, what cubicle is he in, please?

Who? You don't know?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's not what you think.

Then why does Dibbs want the dental charts? Come on.

I made a deal with George. He's gonna hang out till the end of the week,

and then I get my money.

George? Honey?

Abe?

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Getting killed was not part of the deal.

Dibbs would never kill anyone. It's not in him.

(GAS HISSING)

Excuse me.

What is the meaning of this?

Sweetheart, we're getting out of here. No. I'm sorry.

Who is this woman? Excuse me. You're not allowed in here.

Get her out of here. Dibbs wants you dead, all right?

Get this. This is a dental office.

He wants you dead so that he can bury you as Fielding and inherit the company.

You must all leave!

No, no.

No, she leaves. I leave. He stays.

Yes. No, no, I leave. You leave. He leaves.

No, he must stay!

He has a cavity. You leave.

You have a cavity. What about him?

Open your mouth! Say, "Ah." Show us your cavity.

ALL: Ah.

Oh, you got a rise, Mr. Fielding.

Wait a minute. Oh, darling. Ride 'em, cowboy!

No, it's pretty good.

Of all the gall!

Did I ever say that anything bad was gonna happen to him?

You never said it to me. He never said it to me.

What was the point of taking him to all those doctors and dentists, then?

MIMI: Wait a minute. It was to establish that he was Abe Fielding, right?

Yes, yes, that is right.

And that is because there are certain financial transactions

I just can't make unless Abe Fielding is alive.

That's right.

You know, I want to tell you something.

Frankly, I expected more support out of you, a little more gratitude.

For the money I'm paying you, I could have hired a real actress.

Oh! Oh! That's it. That's the button.

You pushed it. I'm out of here. Sayonara.

I'm going back to my old job. Oh, really? What is that?

Yodeling in a hillbilly nightclub? What does that pay, Mimi?

The man is just trying to reassure you.

And by the way, what business is it of yours what happens to him?

I'm making it my business, okay?

Oh, have we fallen in love with the lunatic?

Oh, no, no, hey, the lady's not in love with him. Honest.

She just don't want to get involved in a murder rap.

Murder. Wait for me in the car.

You got his guarantee there ain't gonna be no hit.

There better not be.

Actresses, you know,

you can't live with them, and you can't kill them.

Everything's okay, right?

I mean, it looks cool to me.

Well, not quite. Sit down.

You see, there's one more thing I need you to do.

Yeah, what? I need you to dispose of the lunatic.

Ice George?

I need Abe Fielding dead and buried.

Ice George.

Please don't tell me that you're above this sort of thing.

I've never iced anyone in my life.

I'm a con man, not a hit man.

Well, I think you have two qualities that are...

Don't touch me. Okay.

First, you love money, and second, you have absolutely no moral character.

What do you say?

How much money are we talking?

Name your price.

Look, Eddie, just write down any figure that you consider reasonable,

and I'll pay you that amount in cash, okay?

(WHISPERING) Come on. We gotta go. We're late.

I want to kiss her goodbye.

She can't know about this.

I won't wake her. Just one kiss.

Look at that face. Isn't she cute?

Don't wake her up. Come on, let's go.

What's that? This is your gun.

I could never shoot... Yikes!

Holy shit!

George?

George, what happened? You all right?

Sorry, honey. Fucking lunatic.

GEORGE: You know, I've never been in the woods before.

EDDIE: What? The woods.

I've never been in the woods before.

Oh. The most important thing you need to know

is if you see anything that looks like poison ivy, don't wipe your ass with it.

Hey, hey, you old duck hunter!

Hiya, Dibbsy. How's it going?

I'm fine. How are you? Good.

There he is. Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Damn ducks! What the hell do we need those ducks for?

Bam! Bam! Bam!

What a day to kill a duck, huh?

Maybe after the hunt, we can shoot some billiards. What do you say?

Here. I picked this out for you myself . Put it on.

What's that? This is your hunting jacket.

That's great.

Oh.

Thanks, Dibbsy.

EDDIE: It looks wonderful.

You know who you look like? Who?

Ernest Hemingway. Honest?

Doesn't he? Yeah.

I hate to rush, but something unexpected has come up, and I won't be going with you.

Why not? Business. That's life, huh?

Emergency at the plant. But those ducks won't wait. They don't care.

Come on, let's go.

Did you shoot all these animals yourself?

No, you did. You and all the Fieldings before you.

Ducks for dinner tonight! Happy hunting!

EDDIE: Hey, wait in the truck for me. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Okey doke. Happy hunting!

I gotta talk to you. Sure.

What?

The deal was you were supposed to come with us.

What the fuck's going on, Dibbsy?

Just relax, Eddie.

Just get him in the duck blind, blast a couple of ducks,

and then you yell, "Look out! There's a bear! Run for your life!"

Then you blast him.

There are no bears in a duck blind.

It doesn't matter whether there are bears there or not!

Just yell, "Look out! There's a bear!"

It will be over before he knows what happened.

Okay, but I want the other half of my money

before people find out we're not burying Fielding.

There's no chance of that happening. I've got all the documents

to prove that he is Abe Fielding.

So don't worry about it. Come on!

This is a really nice jacket Dibbsy gave me.

It must have cost him a pretty penny. I like this jacket.

You gotta put the collar up. You gotta be cool.

How do you mean? Here.

A little classier. Wear it like that.

Cool? Cool, man, like you? I look like Eddie.

Yeah, very nice.

Ducks!

EDDIE: Whoa, now. Take it easy.

Easy. Now!

Keep flying! Keep flying! Go home! Go away! There's people here with guns!

Get out of here! Go back to your families! Get out!

Get out! Get out!

Why did you do that?

To keep an innocent creature from being killed

and to save you from a lifetime of heartache and guilt.

They're just ducks!

They're not just ducks!

They're alive! They're like you and me!

They're not like you and me! They fly around, and they shit on people.

¶ Be kind to your web-footed friends

¶ 'Cause a duck could be somebody's mother ¶

Can you freeze on the "web-footed friend" shit?

Sorry, Eddie. I just couldn't help to think about those poor ducks.

What was that?

What was what?

I heard something. What?

(BIRD SQUAWKING) A bird?

It was a bear.

A bear!

Where?

Just... I'm gonna get it.

Eddie, do you see it?

No, but it's a bear.

Where is it now?

It's a brown bear.

A big brown bear?

Eddie, you were right.

I see it.

See, you put one of these...

Oh, my god.

(ROARING)

He's huge!

It's a great, giant bear!

(WHIMPERING)

Don't worry, Eddie. Don't worry.

Sit. Sit, baby.

(WHIMPERING)

He's gonna rip off your dick.

Hello, there. You're a big fellow, aren't you?

If you understand what I'm saying, raise your left hand.

Good. Now both. Very good!

What the fuck are you doing?

We want to express

love for you.

Eddie and I come in peace.

Well, I see what you mean.

You make a good point. Yes.

We saw some of your friends mounted on the wall at the lodge we just came from.

Eddie and I found it disgusting. Didn't we, Eddie?

Get the fuck out of the way! I'm gonna shoot it!

No, Eddie, don't shoot. Don't shoot!

(SHOTGUN FIRING)

Well, kids,

I guess it's time to ring down the curtain on this production of ours.

I think we made a hit, don't you?

Letitia, I prophesy a big career for you. I mean that, dear.

The memorial service will be this afternoon in the Fielding Chapel,

which is just adjoining the brewery.

(CHUCKLING) Brewery.

I will be expecting the three of you to attend.

Jerome, just think of it as a curtain call.

So you're saying that we're burying him as Fielding

even though he wasn't really Fielding?

Yes, I feel it's the least we can do.

The poor guy had no family, no friends.

It's a terrible tragedy, but accidents happen.

Don't they, Eddie?

It was an accident.

Of course it was. No one's saying it wasn't, Eddie.

Nobody blames you.

How do we play this? Like we knew him as Abe?

Yes, of course, Jerome. That's the point, isn't it?

I want you to play it sad but not morose.

Ken, upset, but, please, no tears.

Poor guy. I feel awful.

Yes, you use that, Eleanor.

Save it for later and use it. That's called method acting.

Look, everybody, I just want to express my gratitude

to a very, very talented ensemble of thespians. Bravo!

(DIBBS APPLAUDING)

Bravissimo!

Oh, for Pete's sake, if we knew you were Abe,

we might have been able to help you, George.

(AS PETER FALK) Now, that is a beautiful suit,

and that tie matches perfectly,

but you need a handkerchief. Get this man a handkerchief!

For heaven's sakes, enough is enough! Get over here!

Sit down in the pew, shut up and be good.

Always said you were full of shit.

Abe, we hardly knew you.

We knew your dad, though.

Many of us remember putting to rest...

Rather, preserving the great man right here not so long ago,

and now father and son can freeze in peace together.

Uh, Abe's best friend, Mr. Eddie Dash, is here.

He's gonna say a few words.

Eddie, come and say a few words.

Mr. Dibbs? What?

There is an extremely urgent phone call for you.

Urgent? Yes.

Okay.

Hey! Hey! Hands off!

Abe was a nice man.

Yes, he was.

Good man, Abe.

Uh, he liked basil.

He loved basil.

He used to say basil was a herb whose time had come.

Unfortunately, Abe,

it was you whose time had come.

We used to smoke basil together.

We'd get a natural high.

Smoked a lot, too.

And he loved to yodel.

Yodeling and magic, that was his thing.

He always said if he could combine the two,

he would yodel from his grave.

I know that's impossible.

(FAINT YODELING) Uh...

It's a miracle.

(YODELING)

Oh, my God!

Hi, everybody.

I'm very touched that you all came to my funeral.

I know this must be a little con...

Honey!

Honey? What happened?

What's the matter, sweetheart?

What the hell is going on?

You tell me.

Did we rehearse this scene?

No. No.

Ooh!

Just what are you doing, huh?

Have you completely lost your tiny little mind?

You forget, we're playing my game now.

Oh, really?

I've got news for you, pal. I'm holdin' all the cards.

I can prove you're a murderer.

I've got the whole ugly business on tape.

Au contraire, my friend. There was no murder,

but there was a conspiracy to murder, which I have on tape.

GEORGE: Honey.

Honey, can you hear me?

MIMI: You're alive!

Everything's gonna be all right.

Eddie said he shot you.

No, that was all part of the plan.

Didn't he tell you? He was supposed to tell you. Oh, baby!

We worked it all out on the way to the lodge.

This is our first meeting,

our second meeting.

This is a little something for you, you know, Johnny Mathis.

To help you make it through the night.

And this file proves that my man is Abe Fielding.

Your man is dead!

Wrong again, Dibbsy.

Carlos.

(SPEAKING PSEUDO ITALIAN)

What does that mean? What does that mean? What does he mean?

(SPEAKING PSEUDO ITALIAN)

We gotta get out of here! No, no, no.

We gotta go!

But I saw him lying on a slab in the morgue!

That's right, Eddie's got connections,

and the morgue attendant owed him a favor.

Right, Eddie? That's right.

Hello, everybody.

I know you must be a little confused about what's been going on,

but the important thing that I want you to know

is that I'm back at the brewery,

and you're all in

for a five percent raise.

Don't listen to anything he says.

Don't listen! He's full of shit!

Grab him!

(DIBBS GROANING)

You all right, sir? We got you.

Get me up! Get me up right now! Right now!

You can't say we didn't try.

Cut him loose, Barney.

That man is an impostor!

What are you waiting for? Cut me out of this!

He's not Abe Fielding, no. I knew Abe Fielding.

Abe Fielding was a friend of mine,

and this man is not Abe Fielding.

But, Mr. Dibbs, you just eulogized him.

You said, "Abe, we hardly knew you."

And then the other guy got up...

Shut up! Sit down. Yes, sir.

You! You! You! You!

Did you or did you not treat this man

in your lunatic asylum?

Sanitarium! Besides, it was you who told us he was Abe Fielding.

That's right, but he's not!

I challenge anyone in this room to say this man is Abe Fielding.

He's Abe Fielding. I've been his bookie for years.

Al, shut up.

He's one of our best friends. Isn't that right, honey?

No, not now, you idiots!

Wait a minute. I don't remember this scene.

Ladies and gentlemen, these people, they're merely actors.

Do you understand? "Merely actors"?

Not very good ones at that. Do you understand? They're playing roles.

They're paid to say these things.

(CHATTERING)

Point of order! Point of order!

Ow!

Ronald Reagan was merely an actor!

All right, all right. Fine, fine.

Call the... Are you the equity deputy?

Um... Boy, I don't know what to say.

I feel like such a fool. I'm sorry. I am.

I lost. You won. Come on!

Let's bury the hatchet over a stein of Fielding in my... In your office, huh?

No, I don't think so.

Come on. Don't be a spoilsport, Mimi!

George, we don't have time for a drink.

Abe... George... Whatever your name is.

No, no, no! Listen, George...

Run! Run, run, run, run!

He's gonna kill him! Oh, my God!

Get the casket. Bring it down here, quick!

Come on, this way!

Come on! Let's go!

Move!

Hey! Get out of there!

Break it through! Shut up!

This is my brewery. I earned it!

You want to be in beer? Welcome to the beer business!

Dibbsy, I won't tell the police you tried to kill me.

The name is Mr. Dibbs!

(SCREAMING)

Help! Help me!

Eddie, I'm down here!

Help! Oh, God!

Eddie!

Eddie!

(SCREAMS)

MIMI: All right, get the valve.

Get the valve. George? George?

Hang on! Is this it?

George, don't worry. Keep your mouth shut in there.

GEORGE: Eddie! Eddie! Eddie!

Did you hit that? Did you hit that?

Will somebody please tell me what's going on?

MIMI: George? George?

(BELCHES)

Boy, that was good beer.

Oh, honey!

Ow!

MIMI: Oh, baby.

What did you do with Dibbsy?

Guards, get him out of here.

He's not Fielding. He's a liar. The man's a liar.

You know, if you lie about this,

you'll be lying for the rest of your life, you liar!

Liar! Liar!

Liar! Liar! Liar!

Honey, if I don't tell the truth right now,

will you ever be able to believe me again?

I love you, George.

George.

Walk like a man, George.

EDDIE: Don't do anything stupid!

We're pissin' in tall cotton!

Sorry, everybody.

I have somethin' I want to tell you.

Mr. Dibbs was telling the truth a little while ago.

I am a pathological liar.

I spent the last three years of my life in a sanitarium.

Shit, I'm broke.

I'm a Volvo dealer, and my name happens to be

George.

This Fielding's a beauty.

George. Get used to George.

George Washington, as a matter of fact.

EDDIE: Hey, everybody, take the rest of the day off, okay?

And forget about that five percent raise when you come back.

It will be a 10 percent raise!

Oh, honey.

ALL: (CHANTING) Fielding! Fielding!

Stop fucking around!

Smile!

A little more!

All right, a little more.

Come on. Gloria, can I have that card for a minute?

Thank you. And I need your lipstick.

What? I don't wanna take a picture with no lipstick.

I don't want no lipstick!

Yes, you'll like this one.

I don't want no lipstick, okay?

I promise.

They'll put me in a magazine. They'll take pictures.

It will be... Hey.

Great.

Hey, what are you doing?

Putting my arm around you.

I don't like to be touched. Just keep your hands off!

What is wrong with you?

GEORGE: Don't ever call my friend a shithead again, okay?