Original subtitles

Hey. How you doing, Colin? Hi, Anne -Marie. You all right, Squire?

Hi, Eric.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Oh, it is, aye.

I've had two loads of whites out in that furley already.

Doesn't get much better than that, eh?

Aye, aye.

In you come.

Hello,

Anne -Marie. Hi, Colin.

Hi, Beth.

Hi, Beth. How are you?

Good, thanks.

Beautiful day.

Gorgeous, Beth.

I was just saying to Eric, I've had two washings out already today.

It's days like this that makes you question the need for a tumble dryer

altogether, isn't it?

I suppose so.

Sit yourselves down.

Well, actually, I was thinking we could go and sit out the back.

Well, I suppose we could do that, eh?

Aye. Why not take advantage of this weather while we've got it?

Come on out to the garden.

If it's a white plastic furniture, wait till she wipes it down before you set it

up. OK.

Oh,

I like your clothesline there, Beth.

Oh, yes, right, uh -huh.

Can it take the weight of wet towels or does it need a pole?

Well, we've got a pole there if we need it.

Aha, OK.

Slabs are looking all right there, Eric.

They're a cheeky wee power wash, have they?

I just did them with a hose.

Right.

If you want a wee shot of the car, give me the nod. It's a powerful machine.

I used it at a bird's eye in the top of the car and it just destroyed it.

Because his car sits under a tree, they just treat it like a toilet bed.

Yeah. Well, anyway, grab a seat.

Now, what are we on? Tea?

Coffee? Or would you like a cold drink?

Okay, maybe a cold drink.

Actually, I'll tell you what I could do.

I've been looking at summer cocktails in my magazine.

That's one of those.

Well, now you're talking, Beth. I feel like I'm on my holidays.

Can you imagine paying money for a holiday and ending up somewhere like

You'd be raging.

That happened to me.

Turkey. Looks lovely in the brochure then when we got there. The place was a

dump. Jackson was only a wee boy.

He said to me, Mummy, why were you shouting at that man? I said, cos he's a

lying bastard and you're not putting one foot in that pool.

I'll go and get the drinks.

So, how's things?

We're good, Eric, aye.

We're doing all right, aren't we?

We are, uh -huh.

We've got a nice wee routine going, haven't we?

Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday... day, I'm here.

And then the other nights I'm at my own place, so it's working quite well, isn't

it? It is, aye.

I still go over there the odd Monday as well and sleep well, though.

Oh, right, aye.

And, uh, how's your boy doing?

He's fine. He had his operation last week.

Did I tell you he was getting circumcised? You did, aye, aye. Go all

it? So far so good, Eric. I've not actually seen it, but by all accounts it

still quite red.

You need to avoid getting excited for a wee while so he doesn't put any strain

on the stitches.

Aye. I've switched the router off.

How are you, Squire?

Oh, no bad, you know. Same old, same old.

And how is your son, Eric?

Ian? He's fine.

He's good.

Do you know what I was wondering? You know when you had the, like, you know,

chat with him when he was a teenager?

Did you have to add stuff in?

Eh? Do you have to tailor it to male on male?

Oh, no, I know. I mean, at that point, we didn't know what his preference was,

so... Well, I could have told you. His jeans were like leggings.

OK, here we go.

Oh, lovely. Oh, look at that.

What's this we're getting then?

This is frozen margarita. Oh!

Margarita. I love margarita pizza as well.

Right, well, this is quite different.

Yes, this is very different to a pizza, Beth.

Oh, this is nice, this, eh?

Oh, it's like slush, isn't it?

Yes, you crush the ice.

Remember you slipped in the slush last year, Eric?

Huh? Remember, when it was snowing, you fell going down the drive.

You wouldn't have seen it.

Right down on his backside.

He was absolutely soaking.

Big wet patch in his arse. And it was all down his legs.

I know folk always say it, but it really did look like he'd pissed himself.

Oh, dear.

Wet patch.

Cheers, everyone.

Cheers.

Good to see you.

He's to the first of many.

Absolutely. I've got no out here.

I'll get it.

That's a shame. She's only just put her arse in the chair.

Oh, hello.

Hi, Beth.

Do you remember my friend Louise?

Yes, of course I do. Hello, how are you?

Listen, Louise is doing a skydive for charity.

Wow.

She says she must be off her head.

Anyway, we just wondered if you'd be interested in maybe sponsoring her.

Of course I will. Come on through, I'll find my specs.

Tequila Sunrise, Eric. You ever had one of them?

I've probably got half.

Orange juice, grenadine and, well, tequila, obviously.

Grenadine always makes me think of my friend Geraldine.

Oh, hi, Michelle.

Hey.

Hiya. Hello, Michelle.

Eric, Colin.

You remember Louise?

Aye, I do. Hi, Louise. How you doing?

How you doing?

She's deaf, but watch. She knows what you're saying.

Hello there to you. My name is Anne -Marie McEnroy.

You'll never guess what Louise is doing tomorrow.

Oh, have you got a day out?

Are you going on a minibus?

Louise is doing a skydive for charity.

Oh, wow!

Isn't that amazing?

You jumping out a plane, are you?

We just popped over to see if anybody fancied sponsoring her.

Oh, absolutely. Of course we will. Oh, great. Well, you can either do it on the

sponsor form here or there's a page thingy set up online that you can donate

No, here. We'll just do it here. We've got a pen on you.

What is it?

An aid of, darling?

Cancer research.

Just normal cancer or deaf people with cancer?

Uh, how much do you reckon?

Just whatever you think.

Here we go.

Right. How much will I put?

The skydive is sort of five minutes. That's 20 quid.

But she's deaf.

I agree enough.

25?

That's great. Thanks very much.

No problem.

Would you like to stay for a drink?

Best on cocktails.

Margherita. Oh, if you're saying to her, don't confuse it with a pizza, it is

the drink, Margherita.

Stay for a wee one. Thanks very much.

Are you nervous about it?

She's trying not to think about it too much.

She'll be fine.

But if she's not, like, if anything goes wrong, do we still give the money or is

it, like, void?

My son did a bungee jump last year. Oh, her son?

Was that for charity?

No, it was at a festival and he was on drugs.

Actually, you'll be interested in this. My son's just had an operation.

What is the sign for circumcision?

Look, I don't think we need to... He just had his foreskin cut off.

He is recuperating at the moment.

In pyjama bottoms.

Here we go.

So, have you got a lot of folks sponsoring you, then?

We're just trying to get some more before tomorrow.

Ah. Who else could we get?

Oh, what about Ian?

They're away out for the day, are they not?

Have you been through to Christine yet?

Actually, I haven't.

Remember Christine?

I'll go.

No, no, no, you stay where you are. I'll go, you enjoy your drink.

I take it, then, you have your phone permanently on vibrate?

Ah, hello, Michelle.

Hi, Christine, how are you?

I've got a fly -in.

Oh, no.

I nearly got it in the windowsill, but it's way in behind the telly now.

Oh, dear, that's annoying.

Listen, it's OK.

Wine flows, women starts. That'll flush it out.

Listen, I don't know if you remember my friend Louise, but she's doing a skydive

for charity and we were wondering if you might want to sponsor her.

I saw your pal at Dev, is it?

Yeah. Yeah, she's in at best just now with Eric and Colin.

Best on cocktails, actually.

Oh, has she?

We've got...

A hot tub.

Hot tub.

Jacuzzi in the garden.

And a pergola.

How did they pergola?

Oh, here she is.

How do I say this is a dump compared to mine?

Oh, there she is.

Hello, Louise.

She's saying it's nice to see you again. How are you doing?

Oh, aye, aye. Not bad. Not bad.

I've got a fly in.

There's a fly in my house.

It had went in behind the television, but it could be anywhere now.

Eric, get Christine a chair from the hut.

Nice day, isn't it?

Oh, it makes a change, yeah. I was just saying to Beth, I've got two great big

loads of whites on already today.

God bless that eight -kilo drum of mine.

How's your forecast tomorrow?

As long as it's not windy.

You've seen that YouTube when the guy comes down in the piling.

Oh, yeah.

There you go, Christine.

Ah, thanks, Eric.

You all got a cushion or nothing, Eric?

It's plastic chairs, isn't it, Christine?

I've got the all -weather rattan.

They're nice, aren't they?

They are, but they leave wee marks on your backside.

Can I get you a tea, Christine?

What are they having?

Cocktails. Oh.

Is that a cocktail party?

It's not a party. We were just having a few drinks outdoors.

Well, I'll have one of them then.

Right, I'll make a new jug then.

Much obliged, Eric.

This is nice, eh?

Here, Michelle, where's Alan?

Oh, he's got over now.

Says him to come over, Michelle.

Oh, no, he's busy in the house doing stuff, I think.

Aw, nice day and he's stuck inside.

Tell him we're having a few drinks. On you go.

How you doing in here?

You managing?

Yes, I'm fine.

This was a great idea, this, having a wee party.

Well, it's not really a party.

Tell you what, I am needing to take a leaf out of your book.

I'd have been running about getting everything perfect if I knew I had

coming over, but you're just like, whatever, find a clean seat, I'm a

a goat making cocktails.

Well, I mean, I... Right, what can I do?

Ice, where's your freezer?

Christ, you can't put that in a blender. Where's your rolling pin?

Your rolling pin?

So what are you doing it for?

Cancer research.

Oh, cancer research. Well, I just wish they'd had the research to figure out

my dear friend Pat succumbed to it.

I think it might have been the 60 fags a day with her.

She did enjoy a cigarette, Louise, but she had cut down quite considerably

towards the end.

Because she knew she was ill?

No, it was more that the amputation had... flowed down a rolling speed, you

know.

Ah, but she was like you, very active.

She never let her disability stand in her way.

She wouldn't have gone and jumped out of a plane, though, Christy.

I don't know.

She very nearly did that time she left her duty free in the lounge.

Here we are.

Here's the dream team.

What do you make of that, Eric?

Nice to see the two women working together, isn't it?

How's it going in there?

Pokey wee kitchen, eh?

Ach, it does the job. Easier to clean, eh, Beth?

Louise?

Oh, come on.

Have some Dutch courage.

I'm saying Dutch.

Like in Holland.

In Clogson.

Just fill her up, Beth. Just fill her up.

All right, troops.

Oh, there he is.

All right.

All right, Eric.

Hi, Alan.

You got your shorts on, Alan?

Aye, I took my joggies off.

Too warm.

He's got good calves for tattoos, Michelle.

My Jackson's wanting one on his shoulder, please. I said to him, could

get this penis healed before we start thinking about body art?

What's in the bag?

Just beers and a few burgers.

Eh? Well, just thought if it was a party, better bring something.

It's not a party as such.

Mind you, Beth.

A wee burger to go with the cocktails.

Any Magners in your bag, Alan?

See if it'd been over at mine. I've got the gas barbecue.

Goes on like that.

I can get ours out, but we'd have to start cleaning it.

We are not doing the barbecue.

Where's your burgers from, Alan?

Morrison's the best.

Oh, the dear ones.

Lovely. Well, I'm not getting the barbecue out, but I don't mind cooking

if you want.

Well, I'll take one.

What about you, Christy? Oh, red meat and a warm day.

Lovely. What about you, Louise? You wanting a beef burger before your jump?

Michelle,

tell her that Morrison's the best.

It's OK, we're going to go soon anyway.

Oh, no, you can't go now.

Alan's just got here.

Right, well, am I cooking those then?

Aye, why not? That'd be great, aye.

Oh, Beth.

What? Are you doing them under the grill?

What?

Are you doing them under the grill?

Yes.

Oh, no, that's not the same.

They won't have the wee lines on them.

If you're sitting outside with a burger in the sun, you want them to have the

wee lines on them that you get for the barbecue.

Oh, that's a point. The wee lines, eh?

Aye. Tees bit with them, didn't it?

Well, we are not getting the barbecue out, so I don't know what else you want

to do.

Right. How are you getting on?

Yes, fine.

What's Nathan doing?

Well, just those rolls needing buttered. Right.

Let me in. I will get them sorted for you. Now, that is the benefit of this

warmer weather.

Your butter goes on easier.

Uh -huh.

That's a great wee grill thing, that.

You just tip the fat out of the end.

And, of course, you've got the lid there.

Save it from spitting up into your face.

Okey -dokey.

There we go. That is us.

Here, tell you what, this is turning into a great wee party, isn't it?

Can you hear any of that at all?

The can getting opened.

She misses it so much, doesn't she?

You want one, Eric?

Ah, go on.

Cheers.

What with the skydive, then, eh? It's brilliant, isn't it?

I'd hate her due to shave her head, but fair play.

Oh, look at you.

Oh, look.

The legs are out.

What?

You want a can?

Aye, go on, Alan.

Here. This is the life of it, no?

What with some tunes on?

You get speakers out here, Eric?

Nah, of course you've not.

I've got my phone. Aye, well, stick some music on, Al.

Something chilled.

You've got a summer playlist.

Oh, really?

I've got an Ibiza one, though. Well, stick that on.

There's not much wrong with this, eh?

Here, Michelle.

Turn your chair round. Get with your bit of sun in your face.

I can't fit in.

Come on.

Oh,

what about this?

Cafe Del Mar's got nothing in us, eh?

It's the burger queen.

Oh, here we go.

You want a hand?

No, you just sit and enjoy your can.

See the wee lines there?

That was a good idea with your girl thing, Beth.

Oh, they're brilliant wee things, them. Cut your cooking time in half, cos it's

getting it from both sides.

Oh, yeah.

Aye,

aye.

Hey.

Hi, everyone.

How's it going?

Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Alan.

Ian, this is my friend Louise. I don't know if you've met her.

Hiya. Gordon, have you met my friend Louise before? No, I don't think I have.

Hi. She's deaf, Gordon, and they're gay.

How do you know BSL?

Oh, the guy I was saying before A .M. was there.

Oh, well done, you.

See, there is some kind folk out there.

Louise is married?

She is not.

I didn't realise you were having a party.

Oh, not a party.

We're just having a few drinks outside, seeing as the weather's decent.

What about you? I thought you were away for the day. Yeah, we were up at Loch

Lomond, but Gordon was getting bit.

They're just thing to go for me.

They must smell the English blood, Gordon.

Were you near stagnant water, Gordon?

But apart from that, did you have a nice time?

Aye, it was lovely. We went for a walk, stopped and had a bite to eat.

Oh, it's beautiful up there.

Aye, there was actually a wedding happening, wasn't there?

Yeah, right on the banks of the Loch.

Loch.

What? It's Loch. You say Loch, not Loch.

Right, try it.

Come on, try it.

Lock.

Lock.

Lock.

No, no, it's lock.

Lough.

Yay! Well done.

Anyway, we actually had a wee idea about having ours up there.

Really? Yeah.

Imagine the photo.

You get a day like that.

Absolutely stunning.

Oh, Instagram.

She's always on that.

She putting pictures of you and her on it, is she?

Just her.

It's one of your mum and I's favourite spots.

She wants me to take her up there, but my van's shite on windy roads.

So they are actually engaged.

I know.

Still feels a bit weird, doesn't it?

Oh, my God, that is so nice. Oh, Beth.

Congratulations.

Thank you, Anne -Marie. When Jackson gets married, it'll be the happiest day

my life.

Is he seeing anyone?

No, but he's got a hot list on Tinder for when the stitches are dissolved.

Is it the banks of the Loch you're thinking of doing this, Ian? Well, it's

an idea at the minute, but yeah.

Oh, the bonny, bonny banks.

No, a bit muddy.

It's like a little sort of beach, Christine.

A beach?

A sandy beach?

No, it's pebbles.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That is no use for me in a dress -through bed.

Well, I'm sure there'll be some sort of flatbed.

Are you wanting boats?

I can get you planks to put down.

Could you, Alan?

Take a change of shoe?

Look, it's really just an idea at the minute. Have you thought about Vegas?

Get it done in two minutes.

They'll be wanting all their friends and their family there, Alan.

McDonald's Hotel, East Kilbride.

Plenty of parking, beautiful big function suite, a ramp and a handrail at

front door.

Awful expensive, that, a big wedding like that.

A lot of folk are doing it from home now.

Oh, our friend did that, didn't she?

Remember Jackie?

She had it in the garden under that marquee. Oh, lovely.

You couldn't have a wedding here, though. I mean, look at her.

It's meant to be a day of celebration.

Stick Bunton up the back there.

Hide the fence.

Maybe hose the bins down as well.

In fact, you could treat yourself to some new ones before the big day. No,

no. If you want to get married in a garden, you'd be better off having it in

mind. Look, we haven't made any decisions yet.

It is lovely, Ian.

You could store your drink here if you needed, though. That's a good idea,

actually, Alan. Maybe a couple of portaloos. Save people tramping into the

house. You could knock a bit of your fence away there. Save folk walking

No. Eh?

My son is not getting married in your garden.

Just try and help.

Well, we don't need your help. We can manage.

I can manage. They can manage. We're fine, OK?

Right, come on, everybody.

Let's not have any bad blood.

We are the Dream Team.

And this is a party. It is not a...

Here, let me tell you.

Even if you don't get married in Loch Lomond...

That's what you'll be singing at the end, though, eh?

Well, I don't know. We've not discussed music yet.

Oh, listen, every wedding in Scotland finishes with that, doesn't it, Eric?

Oh, aye, aye. That's a must.

And it's always a total riot.

Oh, you must have seen it, Gordon.

No? The couple, they're put right in the middle, right? And everybody surrounds

them. And the singing, that gets louder and faster.

And then they all just run in at them all at once.

You tack the high road and I'll tack the low road. And

I'll be in Scotland before you.

Where me and my true love will never meet again.

On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond.

You take the high road and I'll take the low road. I'll be in Scotland before

you.

Aye, that's it. And then it'll be up to your room, up to the honeymoon suite.

For your anal sex.

I think that'll do it.

Aye, we'll let you all know when we make any arrangements.

Good on yous, boys.

Listen, Louise isn't feeling very well. She's been stuck in your toilet.

Oh, no.

I know. I think I'm just going to take her over the road.

Is it the burgers?

Did you cook them through, Beth?

No, no. I think it's just the sun and the cocktails.

God, I feel so bad. I should have just said we couldn't stay.

Don't be daft. Listen, do you need a hand?

No, no.

Oh, here she is.

You're not well.

Have you been sick?

I think she understands what you're saying, Anne -Marie.

Yeah, I think I'm just going to take her home and we'll book a wee taxi.

Don't you worry, Louise.

You're in safe hands.

Cos she'll hear the beep when it turns up outside.

Right, OK, thanks.

Sorry, Beth.

Sorry about this.

Bye. Bye.

Bye,

bye.

I hope she's OK for tomorrow.

Why? What's she doing tomorrow?

A skydive for cancer research?

Of course she is.

That's a shame. Poor soul.

They're leaving just as the party's getting going.

It's not a party.

Her tolerance is maybe lower.

You think it by the other way around, though. You know, you lose one sense and

you compensate it with others. You know, your sight, your smell, your capacity

for drink.

Michelle sometimes spews if she mixes her drinks.

Well, women cannae handle it the same, Alan.

Oh, bollocks. Oh, he don't talk pish. It's true.

Isn't it, boys?

I'm saying nothing.

Aye, I'm not getting involved in that one.

I'm not having a go here.

It's just a scientific fact.

Men can drink more.

They can drink it faster.

Is that right?

Aye.

Alan, give me one of your cans.

What? Give me one of your cans.

What are you doing?

Now it's a fucking party.