Original subtitles

Two ticks.

Right, you'll need to move up a bit.

What's he doing?

All right, on you go.

No, let them go in.

Eh?

What are you doing?

Phoning him.

Ah.

Aye. Look, we're going to take them to the airport, so we need to be able to

out.

Let them go in first, then you go in.

Okay, bye.

How's he doing?

Right.

Here we come.

I'll just move forward a bit.

Good.

Blimey neck.

It'll be you who needs the holiday after all that, eh, Mr Baird? Am I right

there, or do you want me to...

Thanks so much for letting us leave our car.

Yeah, thanks so much. Oh, my God, my mum and dad have got that exact same

sideboard.

Oh, really?

They keep all their glasses and plates in it.

Wow. Right, OK.

Well, in you come. Sit yourselves down.

Listen, it's really good of you doing this.

Saves them pain for the long stay.

Oh, it's no problem.

It's ridiculous what they wanted to charge us to park. Uh -huh.

Ridiculous. Totally ridiculous.

I haven't seen you for ages, Morven.

I know.

And I don't think I've met you before, Lynn, have I? No, you have.

Remember? The flatwarming.

Oh, no.

She broke the lamp.

Yes, right. Uh -huh. I was doing a handstand.

But you weren't with Morven then, were you? No, I was with Racine.

Oh, right.

And how long's the flight to Australia?

About 22 hours.

Oh, jeez. I hope you've got a good book.

I'm going to take Valium.

Oh, and sure it'll be worth it when you get there.

Yeah. Past year's been a nightmare with work.

Can't wait to get a break.

It's social work you do, isn't it?

Yeah. It's just so full on. It's just all the cuts. I'm doing, like, three

people's jobs.

I've been so busy, too.

So stressed.

What is it you do, Lynne?

I'm studying textiles.

Excuse me a second. Ian, make the girls a cup of tea.

Yeah.

Christine. Hello, Beth.

Is that the pair of females here?

Yes. Oh, good.

I've looked at a couple of bits and pieces for their trip that I thought

might like to have.

Oh, that's very kind of you. Do you want me to pass them on?

I'll just come in and say a quick hello.

Obviously, I know Ian and Gordon, but I've never actually met any of the other

team.

Oh, hi, Christine.

Hello, Gordon.

And hello to you two ladies.

Hello. Hiya. This is Christine, my neighbour. She lives next door.

She's got long hair. I didn't expect that.

What's that you've got?

Oh, just a few bits that I had in the house that I thought might come in handy

for their trip.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Thrombosis socks, an inflatable neck pillow and a two -pin adapter.

Oh, thanks.

Now, make sure you shove that right into the socket because I use it with a

travel iron in the Algarve and it'll lift me up like the Ready Break Kid.

Well... Thanks. I think we've got all our bits and bobs like that.

Oh, just hang on to them. I mean, those socks might come in handy if you're

wearing a wellie. Oh, really?

Oh, well, that's what I've been using them for.

So, how are you, Christine?

Oh, not bad, not bad, Gordon.

I've actually been looking at holidays myself as it happens.

Oh, really?

Where were you thinking of going?

Hadrian's Wall.

Oh, that'll be nice.

There is the option of, I don't know, on a weekend in Carlisle, but I don't know

if I can cope with a city break at my age.

So it's Melbourne you're flying to, is it? Yeah. Oh, that's a long flight, eh?

It is, yeah.

What is it, ten hours?

Twenty -two.

Twenty -two hours?

That'll fucking destroy you.

I did five in a coach to St Anne's, and I had absolutely no feeling in my arse

till the following evening.

Are you travelling about, or are you just staying in the one place?

Well, we do a week in Melbourne, then we go up to Sydney, on to the Gold Coast,

and then a week in the outback.

Oh, wow.

Fantastic. Amazing.

Took ages to work out the itinerary. Aye, well, you have to have a plan.

How long are you going for?

Six weeks.

Lucky buggers, eh? Six weeks, eh? Time to really let your hair down.

That's nearly two months.

Well, a month and a half.

That's a proper break, that.

No, it is, Beth, it is.

You know all your plants will be dead.

I'm going to go in and look after them. I've got a set of keys.

You've given him keys?

It sounds absolutely wonderful, girls, and I am sure Gordon will keep an eye on

everything for you.

Do you know where the stopcock is?

So what are you looking forward to the most, then?

Bondi Beach for me. Oh, Bondi Beach. I mean, that's meant to be one of the best

beaches in the world, that.

It's a bit touristy, but we'll go and see it, just to say we've been.

Yeah, we'll go and see it, but I'm not going in the water.

Oh, not up for a bit of surfing, Lynne?

No, I don't want to get eaten by a shark.

You're not going to get eaten by a shark.

Do you know... They've got nets up to protect you.

Aye, they've got shark nets.

Right, if they can tear somebody's leg off, a wee bit of nets are going to stop

them. There's actually more people die being attacked by hippos than there is

sharks. Is there?

And if you get any problems, you get the lifeguards. Oh, the big Aussie

lifeguards, which I'm sure you have absolutely no interest in.

You're going to have a brilliant time.

There's nothing to worry about.

Aye. It's a trip of a lifetime.

Absolutely right, Mr. Baird.

How is she with spiders?

There we go.

Thanks very much for that. That's fine. No problem.

So, are you all set then?

Pretty much, yeah.

I can't believe we're actually going.

I feel like we've been getting ready for it for months.

Oh, don't envy you packing for six weeks, though. I'm bad enough when I'm

away for a fortnight.

I think Wilton's promontory is meant to be... I was just saying I don't envy the

girls packing for six weeks away.

It wasn't too bad.

Have you weighed your bags?

Why, you'll need to watch.

Cos they charge you an arm and a leg if you're over, don't they?

Why? And then you've got to get your cases opened up in front of everybody,

toiletries strewn everywhere and wee boys looking at your knickers.

There was a man on our flight to Gran Canaria had to open up his bag and all

had inside was cartons of UHT milk and a hammer. I hope mine's OK. It did feel

quite heavy when I was putting it in the car.

Eric, go up and get the scales and then the girls can weigh their bag.

Oh, listen, we don't want to put you to any bother.

Better safe than sorry.

Come on, we'll go up to the car and bring them in.

This is sure Eric knows where the scales are, eh?

So are you boys thinking of going on any holidays this year then, Gordon? I

think we might hire a camper van and go up north.

Oh, that's nice.

And will you go a proper holiday after that?

Right, here we are.

Right, bring them in.

What do you think, Ian?

That's a nice big charcoal one, that, isn't it, Beth?

Oh, it's nice, isn't it, TK Maxx? Very similar to that one you found down by

river with the body in it.

Right, this one first, then. Who's the best? That's mine.

It's quite exciting, this.

It's 30.

Just under 30.

What's an 11th? 30 kilos.

That's all right. You're fine then.

I can just see a body curled up in that, Beth.

Fetal position.

Right.

Does it feel heavy?

Shh. Give me a minute. Let him do it.

Oh, it's a bit over.

Oh, no.

Right, what's it saying?

How much over is she in?

35. Oh, for God's sake, that is miles over. If your limb is 30, then you're

kilos over.

Five kilos?

That can't be right.

Well, that's what it's saying.

What are we going to do?

Well, he's going to have to take some stuff out.

Oh, no.

Look, it's only five kilos.

Just take some stuff out that you don't need.

Do you need a hand with that limb?

No, it's fine. I'm fine, thank you.

Me and Ian usually share a case when we go away.

Oh, that's handy.

You don't share underwear as well, though, do you?

No. No, we don't do that.

Oh, Jesus Christ, what a fucking mess.

Right, I've got a hairdryer. You don't need to take one as well.

But I like my hairdryer. Oh, you're five kilos over. You're going to have to

leave something.

Anything you don't take, you can just leave here and I'll keep for you.

I'll take anything perishable, girls.

I don't know what else.

Well, look, what's the heavy thing you've got?

Um... Shoe. How many pairs of shoes have you got?

Oh,

nice bracelet of pants there.

Though I would maybe have went for a darker colour since you're away for six

weeks.

Sandals, flip -flops, trainers.

And then my wedges.

What are you needing wedges for?

Well, it's just in case we go out anywhere fancy.

We're not going anywhere fancy.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you think that's enough?

Oh, hang on.

What is that?

It's just some damp washing I didn't get a chance to dry.

Oh, for God's sake, I know what I'd be leaving behind if I was her.

Right, come on, let's wait again.

Unless you think that body would have weighed, Beth.

It's still a tiny bit over.

Oh, Lord.

Well, how much? Because if it's only a little bit, then maybe it won't matter.

Oh, I wouldn't chance it.

Right, give me one of your books.

What? Take one of your books out and I'll put it in my hand luggage.

Good idea.

That's it now. It's fine now.

Tremendous. Thank you. Thank you for that.

I'm really sorry.

Sorry, everyone.

Oh, you're all right. You can relax now.

Oh, Harriet, would you get that, please?

Oh, hi, Colin.

All righty, Squire.

Whose is the wee fiat?

Oh, Marvin and Lynn.

Ian's part.

Oh, I see.

I thought you'd maybe bought Beth a wee runaround.

Oh, no, no.

Still working with the old vector between you.

Never mind.

Aye, well, they're away their holidays, so they're leaving their car here for a

few weeks. The boys are going to run them to the airport.

Are they a couple?

Aye, they are.

Are they in now?

Yes. What are they like?

Quite butch?

No, they're just ordinary girls.

Ah, well.

We'll come in then.

Hi, Colin.

This is Lynne. We've just been sorting out her suitcase.

All right.

Off in your holly bags?

Yeah, Australia.

Australia, eh?

Going to the land down under?

Yeah. This is Morven. She's my partner.

They're a couple, Colin.

Same as them.

So I was hearing.

All the bases covered in here today, eh?

Colin's a neighbour. I think I might have told you about him.

Ah, right.

So, Australia, eh?

Yeah. We're flying to Melbourne tonight.

Wow.

22 -hour flight, Colin. The toilets are way more than the suitcases by the time

they get there.

They take you to the airport, are they? Yeah.

They've left a key for their house with Gordon.

You've left a key with him?

Well, we don't really get on with the neighbours, so... Aye, see, do they not

approve?

You'll maybe need to try and act straight if you go over there, Gordon.

Eric, can you...

Get rid of this, please.

So, are you doing a stopover?

No. I tell you what's good for a stopover. Bangkok.

You ever been there?

No, I've not.

That's some place, that.

Mind you, there's a lot of folk there just for the one thing.

It's a fucking free -for -all out there.

Remember we saw that in Channel 5, Beth? That nightclub with the wee cabins?

Actually. It's the cleaners that I feel sorry for.

It's a shame because, you know, it's a beautiful country.

Hank is not even in the bin, Gordon.

Did you see quite a lot of it, then?

Well, not really, but I got a four -handed massage for three quid.

The beaches in Thailand are meant to be beautiful.

I'd love to go to Koh Samui.

Well, that's a famous one, that.

Ah, but it's true yourself.

I mean, they've got some of the best beaches in the world there. Aye, true,

true. The Gold Coast. Oh, aye. I'll tell you where it takes a lot of beating.

Blackpool. You ever been there, girls?

No. Oh, now, that is a beach.

You have your choice of piers as well.

So, how long are you going for?

Six weeks.

Six weeks? Wow.

Is this all your stuff there, is it?

You'll need to watch the weight with them because they'll charge you a

if you're over.

We weighed them for them on our scales.

What, your bathroom scales?

Yes. You don't get proper luggage scales?

Look, it's fine. We've taken some stuff out of Lynn's case, so I think we'll be

OK.

Hers was in his grace, Colin.

You worry I've seen the state of it.

Anyway, I've got actual luggage scales. You want me to go get them? Honestly,

it's fine.

Two ticks.

I'll go and bring them in.

You don't get stung before you've even got in the plane. I mean, that's your

holiday round before it's even started.

Tell you what, if you do fancy Blackpool, there's no weight limit in

Do you watch Border Force?

No. Oh, they film that in Australia.

In fact, have you got any meat in your bags?

Erm, I don't think so.

Oh, that's a shame.

Youse could have been on it. They're quite strict about what you can bring

Australia, aren't they? Oh, mega, mega.

If you get frisked, would you prefer a man or a woman to do it? Sorry?

You see, I'd prefer to be touched by one of my own.

But if you're the other way, would you rather it was a man that did it?

Or do you just not want anything to do with him at all?

Okey -dokey, here we go.

You see what else I found?

Oh, what's this?

It's a couple of cans of Fosters.

It's Australian.

What did you bring them in here for?

Well, just to get them in the holiday mood, you know.

I think I'll just get something at the airport.

Come on, you're on your holidays.

I'd have a wee bit of one.

There you go.

Christine, do you fancy one?

I tell you what, why don't we share them out?

Beth, stick them in some glasses.

Right, let's get those cases seen to.

Whose is whose?

That one's mine.

Yeah, do that one. That was the one that was over.

Okay.

What's it saying?

Saying 28.

28? That's good.

Put it down and do it again, just to make sure.

OK.

All right.

28. Does that mean I can put my stuff back in?

Yeah, well, some of it. Two kilos worth.

I'm going to put my veggies in.

Right.

Because we could go someplace nice, even if it's just for noodles or something.

There must be something wrong with your skills, Mr Bird.

There will be if he's been on them.

What's this?

There's a discrepancy between your scales and Colin's, which means Lynn can

take her wedged shoes to Australia.

OK, done.

Good stuff.

You want me to wear yours?

No, mine is fine. In fact, let's just take them out to the car so we're ready

go. Aye, good idea. I'll take yours, Lynn.

She's strong, isn't she?

No, no, you're letting us leave our car. You've made us tease and I'm leaving my

bag of washing here.

Not at all. Don't be daft.

Is it Sterling you've got there, Lynne?

Uh -huh. Take a tenner, I forbid.

No, Lynne, there's absolutely no need. Keep that for your holiday.

Right. You are sorted.

Yeah, thanks.

And thanks so much for helping us with everything.

Oh, no problem. No problem at all.

Right. Well, we've got a wee taste of the amber nectar before you head off,

girls. Oh, go on, then. Oh, yes.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Here,

Eric. Do you remember Castlemane? Oh, aye.

Castleman 4X.

No, that's it. Do you remember that, Lynn?

Not sure I do, actually.

The 4Xs stood for fuck.

F -U -C -K, fuck.

Australian wine's very good, too.

We're actually booked to do a tour of a vineyard.

Aye? What one?

I can't remember what it's called.

Is it Blossom Hill?

Right, well, here's to your holiday girls.

Here's to your holiday.

So, Melbourne first stop, is it?

Yeah. Melbourne. Yeah. It's right the phone there.

Neighbours. I hope so.

Everybody needs good neighbours.

With a little understanding.

You can find the perfect friend.

Neighbours.

Should be there for one another.

That's when good neighbours become good friends.

Yay! I love that.

Yes, I like neighbours.

Kylie Minogue was in that. You're like Kylie, you two.

You know who I always had my suspicions about?

Mrs Mangles.

husband nowhere in sight, didn't like kids, and hair kept at a manageable

length.

I think we should start making a move.

Prisoner cell block H, that was another one.

That was all women in that. You'd have liked that.

Right, whenever you want.

Are you away?

Yeah, we need to watch our time. We're cutting it a bit fine.

Oh, well, fair enough.

Now, have you got everything?

Yeah, our cases are in the car and we've just got our hand luggage there.

Have you weighed them?

Oh, come on. I'm telling you, there's limits in that as well.

Is there?

Yeah, it's 10 kilos, but as long as it fits in the overhead bit.

Mine is a wee bit heavy, though.

Let me feel it.

Oh, what have you got in here? I can take some stuff out.

What are you going to do with these? You can't even take them through.

Oh, can you not?

No.

It's just a thing to give to Racine.

What? She's missing Ironbrook, so I thought I'd bring some.

You kidding me on?

To be fair, Pip, if you've been brung up with Ironbrook, it's very hard to come

off it.

When are you going to see Racine? Maybe when we're in Brisbane.

We're meeting Racine in Brisbane?

She doesn't have to come. I can just go and meet her on my own.

All right.

You want to go and meet your ex on your own?

Is it all right if I come on the flight, though, or would you prefer to do that

on your own, too?

I tell you what, why don't you go on your own? I'll stay here and you can go

Australia. There is nothing going on. I was just trying to do something nice.

Look, it's just a wee misunderstanding.

Don't let it spoil your holiday.

Give me your bag.

What? Give me your bag to let me know what other crap you've got in there.

Right.

Right.

You don't need that.

Hmm?

You don't need that.

Well, you can take that. That's over 100 mil.

And why, why are you taking an umbrella?

You never know.

Just go.

If you head off now, you'll miss the rush hour traffic. Oh, yeah. Don't want

get stuck in that. That would spoil the holiday mood.

Safe journey.

Have a lovely time.

Dusty Springfield.

That's another one.

Claire Balding. That's right.

She's not let it hold her back, though. Oh, no, no.

Fiona Bruce, maybe.

Possibly.

Actually, quite a deep voice.

Mm -hm.

Oh, is that them away, then? Yes, that's them away.

Oh, six weeks in the sunshine.

Fancy that.

I know. Lucky things.

I tell you, fair play to them.

Some amount of organising a trip like that.

Oh, God, I know. We can hardly book a week in Spain between us.

I like Spain.

You can buy iron during the shop, sir.

What's this?

Oh, sh...

Walking on the beaches, looking at the beaches.

Well, I got another one just lying down on the sand, dude.

I better go take a swim and see if I can cool down a little bit.

Because you and me, woman, we got a lot of things on our minds, you know what I

mean?

Walking on the beaches, looking at the...