Original subtitles

Mm -hmm.

Oh, aye.

Nice. Do you think?

Aye. What is it?

Blondies to take to Beth.

What's a blondie?

Looks like a brownie, except you use brown sugar. So why did you not just do

brownies? Well, because everyone would probably just do brownies.

Aye, but folk like brownies.

Well, I know folk like brownies, but there's no point in us all taking the

thing.

Fair enough.

So what are they again?

Blondies. Right.

So brown sugar and these? Yes.

So which sugar will you use? I'll just leave it.

These

ones?

That's the ones.

What's the matter with folk just getting a mug?

It's proper.

afternoon tea, Eric.

Nice to do things right, for once.

What a fuss.

Don't talk to me about fuss. You didn't have to go up to a teenage boy doing

balloons in a party shop and ask him for a 69.

There should be saucers to match.

Hi.

Hello, you two. In you come.

It's good of you to come, boys.

It's no problem.

Didn't exactly give us much choice, did you?

Well, she's not got many people, so it's nice to make a bit of an effort for

her. Is Sophie not coming up for it?

No, she's not.

Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?

You want the people who are most important to you at your birthday, don't

Oh, well, she got a card from Eddie in the chip shop, so that was nice.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, hi, boys.

Hello, Mr. Baird. I like your teeth there.

Oh, that was your granny hunter.

Remember her, Ian?

She never always had the white stuff at the corners of her mouth.

No, no, that was my mother.

It looked lovely in here, Mrs Baird. I didn't know what had happened, but then

realised the table was turned round the other way.

Oh, was she at Ian? Did your mum tell you about Derek Munro?

No. Remember Derek that I worked with at East Kilbride?

He died.

Oh, he did not?

Aye, aye.

He hadn't been well for a while, though.

Oh, I remember him.

He was a nice guy. He used to come round the house.

Aye. Remember he used to do that trick with the pennies? You used to love it. I

used to make them disappear.

Your father used to be able to do that with his whole wage packet in those

Now, listen, this is yours here.

Gordon made them.

Ooh. Oh, they look nice.

What are they?

Vegan tiffins.

No flour, no gluten, no sugar.

Do you want to try one?

Let's. Wait till everyone gets here, eh? We'll get them onto a plate.

OK,

if you just pop them onto this.

OK. By the way, I didn't leave one of my small clip -on locks here, did I?

I don't think so, but I can have a look for you.

Oh, thank you. I'm one down on my set of four, so I'm having to use one of the

big ones for my sandwiches, and it doesn't fit in my bag.

Right. Well, it fits, but the clipping mechanisms are just a little bit

It's not quite... Excuse me a minute, Gordon.

I'll get it.

Hello, hello.

Hi, Colin.

Hello, Anne -Marie.

Hello, missus. How you doing? Are you all set?

Yeah, well, more or less. In you come.

Hi, Eric.

Hi, Eric.

Hiya, Colin.

Hiya. Oh, you guys have not met.

This is Anne -Marie, and this is Ian.

The gay one.

He? Remember, he's gay.

All right, yes.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

All right.

Oh, is that no nice? You and your mum's still okay.

And this is Gordon, Ian's partner.

Fiance.

Hello there.

No special treatment, eh? Just the same as the rest of us, and you'll be all

right with me.

I've been to see Kinky Boots.

Oh, thank you for bringing something that's really very good of you.

Oh, it's no trouble. That's my Rocky Roads. That's my Jackson's favourites.

getting circumcised in a fortnight, so it'll no be long before I'm making

another batch.

And they don't really need to know that.

Aye, well, set yourselves down, folks.

Oh, this is lovely in here, Beth. I've never been in your house before.

Have you not?

I like your carpet.

I remember years ago in marriage guidance, she'd one like that. I

sitting staring at it.

I'll go and put these on a plate.

Oh, here, wait, I'll give you a hand.

No, no.

Wait, I know what it's like getting left to do all the organising, and I bet you

this one here just gets in your road.

Ma, you out my way. Us women folk have got work to do.

So, you all right, Eric?

Aye, aye, fine, Clancy. I was saying to Ian earlier, the guy I used to work

with, Derek Munro, just passed away there.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Were you still in quite regular contact with him?

No, really, no.

Ah, well, that's OK, then.

Okey -dokey, then, missus.

Where do you want me?

Well, actually, I think we're not bad.

We're pretty much set.

I've got the sandwiches and scones already set out and I've got the cake up

there, but I'll take that out later.

Do you mind if I have a wee look?

Mm -hm.

Oh, yes.

Listen, if you didn't have time to make one, you should have said.

Well, it wasn't really that.

I'll do a caterpillar cake.

No, honestly, everything else is homemade. I think it's OK.

Fair enough.

Well, at least let me help you get stuff into the oven.

There's nothing needed to go into the oven.

What?

You're not doing any hot stuff?

I'll go.

Here she is.

Hello, Eric.

Oh, you've not brought anything, have you?

Oh, no.

This is just an empty Tupperware that I wanted to return to Beth.

Right.

You'll be able to take a few bits and pieces away with you if there's any

leftovers.

So I could.

Oh, that's a very good idea, Eric.

I remember her 60th, and that was a very emotional night, that.

Oh, was it? Oh, yeah.

She'd just got her free bus pass, so she was in bits.

Here she is.

Oh, the birthday girl.

Hello, everybody. Hello.

Thanks, everyone.

Many thanks.

Happy birthday, Christine.

Oh, bless you, Gordon.

Bless you, my son.

Oh, Christine, you're here.

Happy birthday.

Hello, Beth.

Oh, before I forget, that's for you.

Ah, good to have that back. Thank you.

Well, Eric had a very good idea of using it to take home some leftovers, so

don't put it away.

Happy birthday, Christine. It's nice to see you again.

Oh, thanks, Hen.

How are you getting on?

Not bad. Busy, busy. You know me.

How's that boy you're seeing? He's good, thanks. Just two weeks now till he goes

in for his... So is it actually today your birthday?

It is, Gordon, yes.

Did you go up to anything special this morning?

I did, Ian. I had a bath and then put a fresh base sheet in my bed.

All right.

It's next year that's the big one, though. My 70th. I will be celebrating

style. What are you going to do?

Scalp treatment and then out for a full Scottish breakfast.

Wee glass of fizz to start, Christine?

I don't know. Will my heart burn, Beth? Well, I've got orange juice if you

prefer.

Ah, fuck it. I've got Gavis going in my bag.

Hey, Eric.

You can have a wee drink to start, and then we've got a proper afternoon tea

ready. Oh.

Oh, look at that.

That's lovely, and you've got the good china out as well, eh?

Ian, Ian, that is a beautiful big drop -leaf table your mum's got. It was my

mother's. I've had that nearly 40 years.

Well, as long as you had this sweet, Beth.

So, there's sandwiches, and then everybody's baked something, too.

The what?

Yep. Everyone's done something homemade for you.

There's the scones that I've done.

Oh, aye.

They're quite small, Beth.

Mini scones.

Oh, maybe take a few. They make it up to a full one.

And then there's rocky roads. Anne -Marie did them.

Now, if you're laying a plate, just whip it out, cos they can be a bit chewy.

And then there's tiffin that Gordon made. Huh.

They're vegan.

No wheat, no dairy, no sugar.

No fucking news to me, then.

Oh! Oh, my God, Eric, I nearly shat myself.

Right, who's wanting a glass?

Yes, please. Oh, yeah.

Oh, excuse me a minute.

Ah.

Hi,

Bear. Hi, Michelle. Hi, Alan.

All right.

In you come.

So, how do they turn out?

OK, I think. Give me a peat.

Oh, they look lovely.

Alan, have you tried one yet?

No, but I got to like the bowl.

Right. Through you go.

There we are. Thanks, Ellie. Hi!

Oh, there's Michelle. Hello, Michelle.

Hi, Christine. Oh, happy birthday.

Hi, everyone.

Hiya. How are you doing? You all right? Good, thank you, Alan. Have you been

busy baking?

No. Are?

Oh, and what have you done?

Blondies. Gorgeous.

Oh, well, I just thought somebody else would probably do brownies, so... No, I

did my rocky roads.

I did tiffins, vegan tiffins. Beth, I don't want any of them.

See, you could have done brownies.

What are blondies, anyway?

They're like brownies, except not as good.

Oh, I'm sure they're lovely.

Give them to me and I'll put them on the table.

Do you want me to nip to Asda for sausage rolls?

They do wee kisses.

Or what about a samosa? You can put them in the oven.

No, we're fine.

You pay one a wee glass of fizz? No, I can't, Eric.

Eh? I might need to drive.

My pal's dog's about to have pups and he might need me to go across and help

with the delivery.

Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's a lovely thing to do.

Mind you, what a mess dogs can make when they're getting birthed.

What kind of dog is it?

Pug. Oh, lovely. Cute.

Very prone to breathing difficulties, Alan.

Get their noses blown as soon as they come out.

Have you done it before, Alan?

Aye, we had a spaniel growing up and she had quite a few letters.

Oh, that's nice.

Aye, when she was in heat, there was a cure -up at the back door with her

lipsticks out.

Is anybody hungry?

Not any more.

Ah, right, well, come on, let's get stuck in.

Christine, will I do you a plate?

Oh, yes, please, Beth.

A wee bit of everything, apart from...

Right, come on, the rest of you, come up and help yourselves.

So you're from down south, are you? I am, yeah, from Yorkshire.

Oh, right.

Mum's still down there, is she?

She is, yeah.

It's not that far, really, is it? You'll be able to go up and down for visits as

often as you want. Yeah, I go about twice a year.

Twice a year?

Okay. Don't overfill your plate.

Right.

And don't go back up for more unless Beth invites you up.

Right.

Is it okay if I wrap a couple of sandwiches in a napkin to have after we

pops out?

Take a tomato.

There you go, Christine.

Oh, bless you, Beth.

Now, do you want your tea now?

Oh, do you want it after?

Yeah, after.

Actually, now.

OK. No, after.

Right. Beth, Beth. What is it?

Thank you for doing all this today.

No bother.

You've gone to a lot of trouble.

All these sandwiches, the lovely fresh baking, that solitary balloon.

I appreciate it. I really do.

You're very welcome, Christine.

Right, everybody got?

Mm -hm.

This is nice, isn't it?

When was the last time we had a birthday party in the house?

Ooft. Don't know.

Must have been when you were a wee boy, Ian.

We always used to have all your pals round.

Mm. Oh, wee parties, wee jelly.

Jackson still loves jelly. Aw.

I remember you peeing your pants on a bike one birthday. She took you stripped

and changed while he did the music man for the rest of them.

Oh, pee -pee pants.

Your ham's nice, Beth.

Thank you, Alan.

This egg's lovely too, Beth.

Isn't it, Michelle?

Christ, where the hell would we be without eggs, eh?

What have you got, Gordon?

Cheese. I can recommend the tuna, Gordon.

It's vegetarian.

As well as me.

Oh, it's poor mum.

You all right there, Christine?

Ten out of ten, Beth.

Ten out of ten.

There you go, eh? Not often you get that.

Right, I'm going to get stuck into one of your wee scones, Beth.

Christ. They are wee as well, look at that.

Mini scones, Colin.

This rocky road is lovely, Anne -Marie. Thank you, Eric.

Just make sure your toothbrush is charged.

I'm going to try one of your blondies, Michelle.

Oh, I hope they're OK.

Mmm! Can you taste brown sugar?

Tastes fantastic.

They're brilliant, Michelle.

Thanks so much.

You'll be a great mum.

Your tiffin's very nice, Gordon.

Thank you. I can give you the recipe if you want.

That's an idea.

Have you tried one of Michelle's blondies, Christine? Oh, yes, they're

nice. You've all done very well.

Aw, thanks, Christine.

Here. I'm stuffed.

And we've not even had the actual birthday cake yet.

Oh, yeah, that's a point.

Who made that?

Oh.

Who baked the actual birthday cake?

Well, nobody.

Well, I mean, somebody did, but nobody here did.

I bought it.

You bought it?

Yes.

Well, look, it's fine to do that. Lots of people buy cakes and then you can

of customise them yourself.

Ah,

is that what you've done?

Daddy? Well, that sort of goes.

Lovely.

So when's the funeral, then?

Tuesday morning.

I'm off on Tuesday.

I might come.

Do you think I'll be all right?

Aye, of course.

I'll need to dig out my old black suit.

I don't know where that is.

It's upstairs in the spare room.

Is it?

Beth, it's Ian's black suit upstairs.

What are you saying? Ian's black suit. Is that upstairs?

Yes, it's in a carrier next to yours. Why?

I was going to go to the funeral with Dad.

There's his dad.

Oh, it's a guy I used to work with.

Derek Munro. Oh, dear, that's a shame.

Gordon, grab us another couple of baby scones, will you?

You'll need to go up and try it on and see if it still fits.

Have you tried yours on?

Oh, mine's fine.

When was the last time you had it on?

Betty Gallagher's funeral, I think.

Is Betty dead?

I didn't have a Christmas card.

Ian, take him up and get him to try his on as well.

Did you know Derek Munro misses bed?

I'd met him a few times.

What age a man was he?

Mid -60s? 64?

65?

Oh, that's no old, is it?

The average life expectancy of men in Glasgow is 71.

Oh, well, it didn't do too bad, then.

My granny was only 66 when she died.

Was she, Michelle?

Your mum's mum?

Yeah. Yeah, she was taken in quite suddenly.

What's that sandwich?

Is it a chocolate thin bit?

Crematorium, I think.

Oh.

That's better, a crematorium, isn't it? Everything's just off your hands and

done. Aye, that's what I'll be getting.

It's much better for the environment.

Well, it is, Gordon.

Plus, the parking's always good at crematoriums.

Mine'll be a full Latin mass.

We do, Mark, all do it for me.

And I've got my plot picked out up at the cemetery.

Have you? Oh, aye.

I paid extra to be further away from the pylons.

My mum's asked us to scatter her ashes on Lake Windermere.

Oh, that's lovely.

Keep a wee bit back, though, Gordon, so you've still got something of her.

Gordon, come and have a wee look at these, will you?

Tell me what you think.

Do you think these trousers are too short?

No, I think they're OK.

Oh, I think they're a bit short.

Do you think?

Well, what shoes are you wearing?

Well, just my black ones. That'll really work.

Oh, that should be all right.

How's your father getting on?

Eric!

How are you getting on?

Fine. Well, come down and let me have a look, please.

All right, let's see.

Will it fasten?

Just.

Oh, is that Mark there down the front?

Eh? Oh, come into the light till I see it properly.

Oh.

Right, let's see.

There he is.

Very smart.

Where's Ian?

Ian, come in and we'll see you as well.

Aye, come on, Ian.

Look at that.

You look really smart, really good.

There you go, Christine.

At least if you pop your clogs, you know that they've got something decent to

wear.

I'd want people to wear bright colours to my funeral.

I've got a red polo shirt.

Would that be all right?

Oh, no.

I'd like mine to be very traditional, like the full mask, hymns, big spray of

lilies. Aw.

And then at the end, I'd want them to play my favourite piece of music of all

time. Oui, petit.

Ravel's Bolero.

Oh, I love that.

Remember Torval and Dean?

Oh, I do. I will never forget it.

Four minutes of absolute magic.

And then that ending, when they just go down onto their sides and they're lying

there in the ice.

As if they're dead.

Her tights were soaked when she got up.

Well, look, we don't really need to discuss any of this just now, do we? I

It's supposed to be your birthday.

Yes.

Right, so... What will you wear, Beth?

What? To my funeral.

What will you wear?

Oh, for goodness sake, I don't know.

My black dress.

Will you be veiled?

What?

Will you be wearing a veil?

Well, I've got a hat with a wee bit of net on it.

Let me see it.

What? Go on, get it. Let me see it.

Oh, she wants to see what you're all going to look like.

Why? Well, she's not going to get a very good view from the coffin, is she?

Oh, for goodness sake.

Has Davy still not rung you?

No. I hope everything's all right.

I'll have one of them.

Yeah, go and give him a wee ring.

That dog's still no pup, Michelle.

No, I don't think so.

I'd love a puppy.

Oh, say, Tom.

Michelle, can they get one?

We are not getting a dog.

If it's a small one, Ian, then that could be ideal for you as a gay couple.

There you go, Christine.

Oh, that's nice, Beth.

Oh, my.

Put it on.

What? I would like to see it on.

Oh, for the love of God.

I see you together, the three of you, family.

Oh, for God's sake.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Let's see what you look like all standing together.

Right, let's get a look at the things. This is bloody ridiculous.

Christ, they look miserable.

Should hope so. I'm fucking dead.

Aye, so you are.

She's had her.

What? Missy, she's had her pups.

Aww.

Congratulations.

All right, if I can get a drink now.

How many did she have?

Six. Wow.

Six. Oh, my God.

Christ, I was shattered after one.

But I'd do it all over again, Michelle.

What did she have, then?

Four dogs, one bitch, and one never made it.

Oh. Oh, sugar.

Oh, no.

That's such a shame.

Oh, that is sad.

That is a real shame.

Beth. What?

Ray, why don't we get that cake on the go?

That's a good idea.

Yes, the cake, okay.

Are they all taking in the pup, Sam?

Aye. He's keeping the bitch for breeding, though.

Oh, that's nice.

What's he calling her? I don't know. I don't think he's chosen a name yet.

Here, do you know what might be a nice idea?

Why don't you ask him?

Seeing as how they both share the same birthday, if he'll name her after

Christine.

What? Do you fancy that?

Just think about it.

In years to come, even when you're not here...

There'll be a wee dog called Christine just roaming around.

Aye.

Go on, Alan.

I'll text him.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Christine.

Happy birthday to you.

Hip -hip!

Hooray! Hip -hip!

Hooray! And one for Christine the dog. Hip, hip.

Hooray!

Hooray!

You drew the 69 on the top of that then, did you?

I did.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Right, Eric, get some music on. Us all sitting here in silence.

Fair enough.

What do you want on?

Oh, I don't know. Ask Christine. It's her birthday.

Okay, Christine, what do you fancy putting on?

Oh, I don't know.

Actually, do you know what I'd like to hear?

What?

Bolero. Oh, no, no, let's put on something... Eric.

Okay.

Oh, that's him saying it's fine.

He'll call the bitch, Christine.

That's brilliant.

I'd be getting pictures of them. Aye, wait a minute.

Let's have a wee look.

Right.

Right.

That's her.

Oh, aye.

Look at the wee eye still shut.

That's her getting them lit clean.

Aww.

They're cute, aren't they?

Oh, what a lovely island.

Absolutely beautiful.

Do you want to see the deed one?

How do you like to try my finger sandwiches?

How do you feel about some coffee cream?

You might enjoy the feeling of slipping onto a dealing.

Nibble on my cupcake and you'll notice what I mean.

I hope you'll find my...

Bye. Bye.

Bye.