Original subtitles

Oh, hi, Beth.

Oh, hi, Michelle.

You OK?

How did Alan get on with his van? Oh, he's fine.

Fine. It's his own fault. He shouldn't have been going through the drive

-through with his ladders on the roof.

Anyway, I was going to ask, are you going to Collins tonight?

Yes, yes, we are. What are you wearing? Are you getting dressed up?

No, I mean, it's dinner, but I don't think we need to wear anything fancy.

It's really just a chance to get to meet Anne -Marie.

Oh, have you not met her yet?

No, no, don't know much about her.

except for that they'd been seeing quite a bit of each other.

Oh, that's sweet.

Yes, I know. I don't think he was finding it easy being single.

Oh, God, can you imagine?

I don't think I could go back to living at my own.

Oh, Michelle.

Is there any toilet rolls?

I'll leave you to it.

Through you come.

Anne -Marie's a wee bit nervous about meeting you.

Oh, there's no need for that.

No, I know.

I've told her you're both very easygoing.

I mean, you're hardly going at all, Eric.

This is Anne -Marie. Hello, hello.

And this is Eric and Beth.

Hello, Eric, and hello, Beth.

Oh, it's lovely to meet the pair of you. I've heard so much about you.

All good, I hope. The majority of it, yes.

Here, I like that card, eh?

This is just an old one. I wasn't sure what to put on.

Is it wool or is it a mix?

Sorry? The cardigan, is it wool or is it a mix?

I don't know.

Let me just get a look at the label. Not just now. We can check that later.

Have a seat.

Sit down.

So... What have you been up to today, then?

Oh, not much. Cleaning the kitchen.

That's about as exciting as it got.

Oh, Beth, nothing better than getting right into all your corners with a bit

bleach, eh?

Yes, uh -huh.

Are you ceramic or gas?

Er, ceramic.

Me too.

I was gassed. I was gassed a long time, but I spent half my life going round the

burners with an old toothbrush.

I will never go back.

Never.

You wanting a glass of wine?

I wouldn't say no.

I'll go.

I'll get it.

Here, Beth.

Some kitchen he's got into it.

Yes. It'd take us a while to get round that way, I'd call it, eh?

So, what have you been up to then?

Not much, Eric. Well, we were through in Edinburgh last weekend.

Oh, very nice.

A wee romantic getaway, was it? Well, aye, it was.

Oh, lovely.

Where did you go?

John Lewis and then the zoo.

Here we go.

This is the beer stuff.

I normally get mine out of Aldi.

It's good in there, isn't it, Beth?

Yes, I go there sometimes, yes.

Great for fruit and veg, mind you. You need to watch.

You go in for a loaf and you come out with a set of jump leads and a paddling

pool.

So, Colin said you were away for the weekend.

I was there, Bert. I went through to Edinburgh.

Oh, it's lovely through there, isn't it?

Oh, aye, it is. But Christ, it's dear.

Nine pounds for two coffees.

I don't care if you've got a castle. I'm not paying that. We'll go back up to

the room and use the wee kettle.

He goes through to Edinburgh quite often, doesn't he?

Oh, is that your son?

Yes, yes.

What age is he?

He's 28 now.

Oh, my Jackson's 24.

Oh, you've got a son as well?

Oh, uh -huh.

Keep you in your toes.

Yes, there's always something. If it's, no, can I get a lift here? It's, could

you lend me a tenner? Or, leave me alone, I'm no needin' to see a

Um, have you met him yet?

No, but he's really lookin' forward to it.

Is he? No, you are. Oh, aye, absolutely.

Excuse me a wee second.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, here, Eric, let me get you something to sit your glass on.

Oh, no, don't be daft.

Absolutely not.

Watch your head.

There we go.

Christ, Beth, what are we like?

If we're not cleaning the kitchen for our humping furniture, there's always

something, isn't there?

As I say, she's a wee bit nervous about meeting everybody.

She's got no need to be nervous.

We'll make her feel right at home.

Come on.

Right, Christine, I'd like you to meet Anne -Marie.

So you're a divorcee, then?

Christine. Oh, you're all right. I don't mind.

Yes, I was married.

And, yes, it ended in divorce, but here we are.

Any children?

Oh, Christine, for God's sake.

Yes, I have one beautiful son, my big boy Jackson.

He's 24.

Ah, that's nice.

At least you know she's not looking for one half of you calling her.

Once enough, thank you. I've got my hands full with him, I'll tell you that.

is he going off the rails?

You see, that's what happens when you come from a broken home.

Christine, lots of marriages end in divorce these days and everybody

just fine.

Oh, that couple down the road, they split up just before Christmas and she's

somebody else already.

Oh, right. What about him?

No, but I did spot him perusing the card in a telephone box.

Christine, would you like a drink while I get you a wee glass of wine?

Yes, please.

There we go.

Nice and prompt, eh?

Yeah, she's been very attentive.

Watch and learn.

She's done a whole meal from scratch.

You've landed in your feet, mate.

Single mother, you see.

She's used to eking stuff out.

Does she get vouchers, Colin?

Here we go.

Here's your wine.

Enjoy.

It's really nice to meet you all.

You too, Anne -Marie.

So how did you two meet?

We actually met online.

Did you?

Aye, well, I mean, that's the way it's done these days.

I have to say, it's quite a good idea. It asks you all the questions about what

kind of person you're looking for, age, height, all that stuff.

And you ended up with him?

You match up with people who've liked your profile.

And then that's when you start sending messages and eventually, well, you swap

numbers. Oh, change days, eh?

Remember you used to go to the dance and the guy had to go up to the girl and

ask her if she fancied a dance?

Aye. In the last half hour, it was the mad dash to see who you could get.

Aye.

Next thing you know, you're married to them, eh, Beth?

I will say this, though, you need to watch. There's a lot of fakes online.

Oh, aye. I mean, well, there was one woman I was chatting to. She said, I'm

my 30s and I'm a model.

See, when I met her, I thought, what do you model?

Support tights?

I met this guy, Gerry, his name was. Said he worked for Bank of Scotland, but

I've banked with him for years. I've never seen him before.

So I made my excuses after the main course and left for my own safety.

Mm -hm.

They steal photos, too.

I've heard about that.

There's a woman who works in Tesco.

She'd get hacked.

Her bits have been seen all over the world, Beth.

Oh. Gosh.

I lost my bus pass once, and when I got it back, somebody had drawn a moustache

on it.

As soon as we actually met, though, we just clicked, didn't we?

Aw. Aye, we did.

Aye. Did he pay, Anne -Marie?

And I was dead honest with him. I was very upfront about my ex, about Jackson,

and we even ended up talking about his forthcoming surgery.

Oh, goodness.

What's he getting done?

Circumcision.

It's going to be a real game -changer for him, Beth.

Excuse me a second.

Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Alan. How you doing?

Oh, we're great.

Here's a bottle.

Oh, thank you, Alan.

That's very kind of you.

And what's this one?

I don't know. She grew it as a present.

Thanks so much.

He said, has he tried Vaseline?

I said, listen, he's got more grease under his hood than a transit van, but

we're no further forward.

Hi. Oh, hiya. Hi, Michelle.

Hi, hi, Alan. Hi, Michelle. This is Alan and Michelle, and this is Anne -Marie.

Hello, Alan, and hello, Michelle. Oh, here, you're a wee glamour puss, aren't

you? You'd have no problem if you were online.

Mind you, you'd get all sorts in your inbox.

Alan and Michelle stay across the road.

Oh, right. Are you married?

Engaged.

She's divorced, Michelle.

Sit down, please, sit down.

They've actually no long moved in.

Oh, right, just starting out.

Oh, have you any of a family?

Or are you hanging fire?

Oh, not yet.

We're trying on weekends.

I've got one, a son, Jackson.

Oh, lovely.

He's about to have his foreskin removed, Michelle.

My mate had that done.

Didn't he heal right? Looks like Doug's been at it.

Can I get you a wee drink or something?

A glass of wine?

Oh, yes, please.

So, it's lovely to meet you.

Oh, you too.

I feel like I've seen you around, but I didn't want to just rock up and

introduce myself.

Oh, but you should. I'll say hello to anyone.

Is that how you met him?

They met online, Alan.

Did you?

Lots of my friends have met their partners that way.

Alan.

She knows somebody who's vagina's famous on the internet.

Oh.

Does nobody meet at the dancing anymore, then? Oh, my friends wouldn't go to a

club looking to meet someone.

Oh, mine's do if they're on the gear.

Can't remember the last time I went to a nightclub.

Go midweek, Beth.

You'll get in for nothing.

See what I don't like about nightclubs?

See when the lights go up at the end and you see all the mess? I just want to

get my mop and my bucket and get it all cleaned up.

Here we go.

Sorry about the wee delay there. I was just checking something in the oven.

So what are we getting then?

Tomato and red pepper soup.

Then we've got a fish pie and then you're putting a raspberry cheesecake.

Oh, brilliant.

Lovely.

What kind of fish is it?

A. And your pie?

Alan.

Actually, sorry, I'll just pick out the bits I don't like.

It sounds absolutely fantastic, Anne -Marie. Thank you.

And hats off to you for doing three courses.

That's like that programme, Come Dine With Me.

Oh, yeah.

You get some right fussy buggers on that, don't you? Oh, you do, you do.

See your soup, Anne -Marie? Have you used dried herbs?

See, when they go poking around the house and then they try and guess

about the person, I mean, why would you let them do that?

You see the one where they find the sheepskin waistcoat and the helmet?

And it was a guy who thought he was a Viking.

Oh, yeah. Or what about the woman that was an actual witch?

Did she burn her steaks?

Oh, that's a good one.

That's what everyone's looking for online.

G -S -O -H.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

There's nothing more attractive than a good sense of humour.

Aye, we're all right here, though. We all like a joke, eh? It was a lasagna

showdown, Eric.

Came third.

Oh, that went down well.

Do you think so?

Oh, aye.

You loved it.

Good. I just want everything to go smoothly.

It's going great, trust me. And see the soup? They absolutely loved it.

I'd give it five out of push.

Christine, it was lovely.

See, she'll be used to watering things down to make it go further.

She seems lovely, eh, Beth?

Yes, she does.

Very down to earth.

What did she say the son's name was again, Beth?

Jackson. Ah, Jackson.

Waiting to get circumcised.

Yes, uh -huh.

Well, they say that's more hygienic, apparently.

So, what is it we're getting for our main again?

Fish pie.

Oh, that's right. Aye.

You like fish, aye? Oh, aye.

Lovely. Right, any prawns and I'll fire them over to you.

Are you circumcised, Alan?

I hope you all like it. It's a real

favourite in my house, this one.

She gets three or four days out of that just for the two of them. It looks

amazing. Thank you very much.

What's your mask made with, Anne -Marie?

Sorry? Your mash is at Maris Piper's. Oh, nothing but the best.

Maybe get her up to serving me this, Beth.

Right, Eric.

That's you.

Oh, yes.

Look at this.

And, Michelle, there you go.

Oh. What is this?

Oh, is there an egg through it, Anne -Marie? There is.

Egg in a pie?

Beth. Oh.

Thank you.

Smells wonderful.

You think?

Oh, honestly, it's terrific.

You've gone to such an effort.

Aye, you can come dine with us any time you like.

Take mine for the side, will you, so I get a wee bit of potato.

Thank you.

It's a pleasure. And Alan?

Just mash.

I don't eat any of that other stuff.

Okey -dokey.

Is he a bit of a fussy on this one, is he, Michelle?

Not too bad.

I'll take fish if it's out of the chippy.

That is my Jackson's favourite.

He loves his chippies. I get him one every Saturday.

And then sometimes on a wedding day, you know, if he's not feeling happy.

This is yours, darling.

Right, folks.

Do not stand on ceremony.

Dig in.

Here you go.

Oh, well.

What?

Oh. Mmm.

Mmm. Lovely.

Delicious.

Thanks for the food. It's lovely, so it is.

Absolutely beautiful, but I'll be needing to hit the gym every single

week. Oh, rubbish. You're in great shape.

Not really at the minute, but if I don't exercise, I just pile it on.

It usually goes up quite a bit around Christmas, doesn't it?

So you're in great shape yourself, missus?

Me? Mm -hm.

Isn't it super?

Yes. Super.

You must be a regular gym goer. I've never been in a gym in my life.

Really? But you're in tremendously good shape.

No cellulite at all, Beth.

See, the thing is, I'm always in the goer. Can't he sit still?

As soon as one thing's done, I'm on to the next. My mother was the same.

Ah, me too.

Me too.

Here.

Pass us a bit more of that mash, will you? They're calm.

She was up doing the kitchen floor at seven this morning, weren't you? Good, I

don't even think I was awake at seven o 'clock this morning.

No, you weren't. You were snoring.

Nothing wrong with that, Michelle.

I probably was, too. You were.

It came through my fucking wall.

Oh, poor you, Eric. Now, you cannae help it if you snore. I'll tell you who else

was doing a wee bit of snoring last night.

You. Me?

Was I?

Uh -huh.

See, after I finish, I fall straight asleep.

How long is it you've been actually seeing each other?

Oh, now let me think.

How long will it be?

Well, it's two months since I ghosted that woman with the implants, so I think

about six, seven weeks.

Do you know, it's great, all that online stuff, isn't it?

I mean, just think, you two might not have met each other if you hadn't signed

up for it. We feel really lucky, don't we?

Aye, we do.

Oh, sorry, the pea.

Eh? The pea.

I forgot the pea.

Don't bother. We're fine.

No, I can't serve you up a fish pie without peas on the side. Oh, my God.

What must they think of me, Colin?

Oh.

She just wants it to be all perfect, you know.

Oh, don't worry, Colin. She's doing a great job.

Do you think?

Why?

Because, you know, she's...

She's been a bit nervous.

She's got no reason to be. She's doing just grand.

Here we are, a dish of fresh... Oh, shit!

Are you all right?

Don't worry about that.

Yeah, come on, let's get you up.

I'm fine.

Oh, what a mess.

Look, I'll go get you a wee bit of kitchen roll, OK?

Dustpan and brush, Michelle.

Itch, Michelle, you stay right where you are. I will not be having day picking

up peas.

Shane. I know.

I was looking forward to them.

You sure we cannae give the woman a hand?

No, no, no. Look, she'll have them up in a minute.

Youse just relax and enjoy your meal.

This is delicious.

Mmm, it's lovely.

Did you make this from scratch as well?

I did, yes.

Now, you've made cheesecake before, Beth.

Yes.

How's the cheese facing?

Do you like to cook, Beth?

God, it's terrible. I feel like I've hardly asked you guys anything. So busy

talking about myself.

No, no, not much to tell, really.

They don't do much with their lives, do you?

Yeah, well, we're winding down a bit now that our son's grown up and moved out.

Oh, you've not told me anything about your boy... Ian.

Ian, that's right.

He's a homosexual, Anne -Marie.

Oh, right.

And not the colourful variety either.

It comes out more when he's pissed.

His partner's more obvious.

Oh, aye. He cannae hide it.

There was a time I wondered about Ma Jackson.

Did you?

Yeah, but I checked his porn on the laptop and it's all straight.

Well, there's usually a woman involved in it somewhere.

Well, that's nice.

Right, I'll get these plates cleared.

Oh, my God, Michelle.

Your top.

What?

What is it?

There's a wee bit of cream on your top there.

Oh, God, what am I like?

No, don't. Don't. I'll get a cloth.

Oh, no, it's fine.

No, absolutely not. That will stain if you don't get a hot cloth onto it. Tell

her, Beth.

Tell her.

Um, a quick wipe.

I'm always dribbling stuff onto my boobs, Michelle.

Right.

Let's get this onto it, pet.

Just pop that button open for me, my love, so I can get my hand right in and

sponge it properly.

Rub -a -dup. Good, my darling.

That's you now. A wee wet patch, that'll soon dry.

OK.

Listen, if we're all finished, why don't we get a comfy seat, eh? Have a wee

coffee? Great idea.

Yes. Aye.

Right,

I'll get these away, then I'll get the coffee from the go.

What's that?

I think there's a pee there she's missed.

Alan, shush. What is it?

Nothing, no.

Can I give you a hand, Anne -Marie?

No, no, no.

You go and sit down.

You are a guest.

I'm really glad you came over.

Oh, it was lovely.

I think it's been good, eh?

It's smashing, isn't it?

Yes, it's been great. Thoroughly enjoyed it.

Good. OK.

So what are we having? Are you all wanting a coffee? Yes, please.

Will I do a cafe tiere?

What one's that? Is that the one with the plunger?

Does everyone take milk?

Oh, in fact, you know what I could do? A wee Irish coffee.

Oh, an Irish coffee.

I like an Irish coffee.

It's got whiskey in it.

Everyone?

Yes, please.

Anything Irish is fine by me. My mother was a Kelly from Cork. Aye.

Here's me thinking she was a witch from the West.

He's all right, Anne -Marie, but he can be a cheeky wee bastard.

I've got family from Cork.

Have you?

Oh, yes.

Aha. We used to go there in our summer holidays.

Oh, wow.

Oh, hi.

My family's very proud of its Irish roots.

My mum made me go to the Irish dancing every week.

Competitions and everything.

Yeah, you never put that in your profile.

She done taught us a wee lassie.

Oh. Oh, I love Irish dancing.

The costumes, the music, the wee legs going like the clappers.

Aye, that was me. Every Saturday morning, the hair up and my wee green

dress. Oh, cute.

I tell you, that got you fit. I've still got the muscles in my calves to show

for it. She has.

I can hardly get my hands around them.

Anyway, Irish coffees. Here.

If this was Come Down With Me, you could have done a whole Irish theme.

Yes, oh, I could. That is true, Eric.

You could have done a big plate of stew.

Aye, that'd have been better.

Maybe a wee can of the black stuff as well. Aye, the Guinness. Oh, I like a

Guinness.

You ever try dipping a digestive biscuit in it, Alan?

You know the bit I like best about Come Down With Me?

It's even to have one of those themed ones.

At the end and the host of the wee party piece.

You could have done your Irish dancing.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Can you not do it anymore?

No, I can still do it. I mean, you never lose it. Show us a wee bit.

Do you want me to?

Aye, on you go.

We don't need to do it.

That's no right. Wait a minute.

You're fine. On you go.

No, I'm making a mistake there.

That'll do this, will it? No.

You can clearly do it, so there's no need to, you know.

Anyway, coffee.

Was that a wee bit much?

No. No.

Charming. Don't be sorry.

Just, you know, she's been nervous about meeting you and she wanted it all to go

well.

It was very good.

I really like her, but you would be honest with me if you weren't as sure,

wouldn't you?

Aye, of course we would.

Absolutely, Colin.

Thanks, guys, thanks.

That means a lot.

I'll just go and give her a wee hand. OK.

She's fucking nuts, ain't she? On the 4th of July, 1806, we set sail from the

streets of the park.

We were sailing away with a cargo of bricks for the Grand City Hall in New

It was a wonderful craft. She was rigged for a nap. And oh, how the wild winds

drove her. She stood several blasts. She had 27 masts. And they called her the

Irish Rover.

We are the One Million Pipe.