Original subtitles

We've got milk.

But there's no orange juice.

Do you want some orange juice?

Aye. And what about yogurt? Do you want some yogurt?

Aye. What about your dinner for tonight?

Don't know.

Pizza? Aye.

Pizza.

So, orange juice, yogurt and pizza for tonight.

And I tell you, I'll get some apples and grapes and pears and stuff.

Eh? We cannae have you lying there stuffing your face with pizza. We've got

get some healthy stuff into you as well.

Aye, all right, fair enough.

Right, anything else?

Any chance of a couple of Cronenberg?

Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Beth.

Hi, Eric.

Thanks so much for doing this.

Oh, no problem, Michelle.

How's he doing?

Oh, so -so. Oh, poor thing.

He must be getting a bit fed up.

Well, you'd think so, wouldn't you? I think he's actually quite happy lying

doing nothing.

Oh.

Hi, Alan.

Hi. Oh, hi, Eric.

You all right, Beth?

Oh, Alan.

Oh, there's a cracker you've got there.

Why the boot?

It's massive, isn't it?

Goes all the way from my big toe up to my nutsack.

I can see where it goes there.

So, what are they saying? What have you done to it?

Fractured in two places and torn ligaments in my knee.

Oh, for goodness sake.

And can you not move at all?

No, really. I'm having to sleep down here.

Oh, no.

Dear, dear.

I know. If I need the toilet during the night, I've got to push into a bottle.

Oh, Alan.

What's for her? She has to tip it out.

And how long will you be like this?

I don't know. I'll have to get back in two weeks for another x -ray.

The consultant said it's one of the worst breaks he's ever seen.

Oh, dear.

One of the paramedics spewed when he saw me.

Well, I'm sure they'll have you up and about as soon as they can.

Oh, they have given him crutches, Eric, which he's supposed to be using.

I don't think I'm ready for them. Aye, cos he's quite liking watching me run

around after him this whole time.

Well, I'm sure it won't be long until you're up and on to them, eh, Alan?

Right, listen.

Can I get you a wee tea or a coffee or anything before I go?

No, no. You get away and do what you've got to do, Michelle.

We'll keep an eye on things here.

Thanks so much.

And listen, take your time. We're fine.

Do you want to stop and have a coffee or something?

Really? That's so kind of you.

Thanks, Beth.

Right, Alan, I'm away. Is there anything else you need?

Well, if you're going to Costa, I'd take a white chocolate muffin.

Oh.

Bye, Michelle.

So you're on painkillers, then?

Aye. The codeines.

Oh, right.

They're quite strong.

Aye, they're fucking brilliant, Eric.

Well, as long as they help with the pain, eh?

Aye, they block out my shell as well.

How are you feeling now? Are you comfortable?

Ach.

So -so, Beth.

Can I get you anything?

A cushion?

No.

I'd take a coffee, though.

Okay. Right, um...

Not a problem.

Eric, you want one?

Ah, well, Beth, two coffees.

I'll go.

What are you doing here?

I'm helping Alan.

What are you doing here?

Michelle said there was a mobility issue, so I've looked out some things

him. Right. You want me to pass them on?

Oh, no. I think I will do the handover myself.

Some of these items have been with me for many years.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Look at that.

The full leg.

Oh. Oh, yes.

It's lovely and smooth, isn't it? You know what they do with the plaster of

Paris, eh?

Oh, God, aye.

Now, that one they put me in in 1986, do you remember that?

I look like I've been dug up out of a fucking pyramid.

How are you feeling, Alan?

All right.

A bit bald.

Oh, Eric been in a while, then, has he?

Oh, Christine.

Oh, Beth.

What a situation, eh? I know.

Where's Michelle?

She had a few things to get in town.

Pizza for my dinner and a muffin for Costa.

And your prescription?

And my prescription.

What are you on?

Codeine. Oh, the daddy.

Now, you be very careful with them, Alan.

They can be very addictive.

Can they?

Don't worry.

I'll take any you've got left over.

But if any chance of a biscuit?

Oh, right, OK.

There's Rockies in the tin.

Eric, you want a rocky?

I wouldn't mind.

Oh, here, Christine, you've no got a coffee. You want one? Oh, I'm not sure.

I've no that long finished a cup of tea.

OK. Oh, mind you, Michelle gets the Kenko Millicano, doesn't she?

I can't know, Alan. Fuck it. I will take one.

One coffee, two rockies. Hey.

Beth!

Three rockies!

Now, Alan, I've brung some things for you.

This is a grabber. You ever use one of these?

No. Oh, they are tremendous, especially for anything spinal.

I got this during a very bad bout of sciatica, and it's a good all -rounder.

Tins, light switches,

loose hankies. Here, give it a wee try.

There we go.

Mm -hm.

Ah, see? It's still got a lovely action on it, hasn't it?

And there's this.

What's that?

It's a tray with a beanbag base, Eric.

That was a great help to me during that warm summer of 2016 when I had that

fluid build up in my ankles. You remember that, Beth? I do. I came very

being awarded my blue badge as a result of that.

Anyway, last but not least...

The wrist.

A wrist with what?

There's nothing wrong with his wrist. After two weeks of using that grabber,

there will be.

Now, I've got a selection of sticks that I didn't bring today, but I will do

when you're ready for getting up on your feet.

No, I've got crutches.

Have you?

Aye, I got them from the hospital.

Oh.

Oh.

Yes.

Oh, look it.

Oh, now.

Oh, they are a lovely set, Alan.

You will enjoy these.

Here, I'll see if I can look you a set of fingerless gloves. Save you any

problems with blisters.

Look, we don't need to get into all this just now.

Let him just drink his coffee, eh?

Ah, fair enough, fair enough.

You managing there, Alan?

I've got a double -handled mug with a spout if you're needing it.

Will I get that?

Yes, please, Beth.

It's probably just sales.

And what do you want me to say to them?

Oh, just tell them to get the fuck.

Oh, it's you.

What are you two doing here?

Well, we saw the thing Michelle posted on Facebook about Alan's accident.

Oh. What are you doing here?

Is everything all right?

Yeah, it's fine. Michelle had to pop out here. Dad and me are just in here

keeping an eye on him.

We've made him a smoothie.

Just in case he's not eating much. Oh, no. I don't think there's any problem

there.

Hi.

Hi, Alan.

All right.

Hiya, boys.

How you doing?

No bad.

Wow, your leg is in a really big boot.

Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it, Gordon?

Remind me to take some photographs to show to Marion up at the surgery.

She's actually in a chewy grip herself at the moment.

Can you get about at all?

No, really.

He's got a stunning set of crutches there, he's very high end.

We brought you a smoothie.

What's on it?

Carrot, kale, celery, ginger and a few drops of turmeric to help with

inflammation. All right.

Cheers.

Beth, stick that in the fridge. Michelle might try it.

So what actually happened?

Michelle just posted saying that you'd had an accident at work or something.

No, I fell off scaffolding. Oh, my God.

I know. I was on the phone and I stood in the edge of a board and just fell

through a gap.

Jesus. Did you know it was broken?

Well, at first, Eric, but then once I saw the bone sticking out... Oh, hi.

You're very lucky, Alan. It could have been so much worse.

Aye, both legs.

I mean, you're talking wheelchairs now. That's a big league.

We had scaffolding up outside our flat and one of the men looked in and saw me

coming out the toilet.

So you're getting compensation or something?

No, it was my fault.

I shouldn't have been on the phone.

Well, aye, fair enough, eh?

Bloody phones.

I know. I mean, they knew I was on a site visit, but they just kept ringing

Wait, was it someone from your work phoning you?

Aye, Billy Madden. Well, there you go, then. That's not your fault.

It was a work call he were answering.

Oh, wait, I'm getting a tingly feeling.

I feel a claim coming on.

I don't think we should get involved.

I mean, we don't know the first thing about claims and compensation.

That's a fair point, Beth.

Have you got a lawyer, Alan?

No. Christine.

I was in touch with one after I sat in that chewing gum and burger king, but I

think he may no longer be practising.

A personal injury lawyer's what you need.

Aye, they specialise in stuff like that.

Have you suffered an accident in the workplace?

Did we not meet a guy who did that personal injury stuff, remember?

What guy?

In fact, I think I've got his card in the house somewhere.

Go and get it, Eric. Oh, for goodness sake.

I wouldn't get it.

Alan could be sitting in a fortune here.

What happens if I don't win, though? Do I still need to pay them? They usually

no win, no fee, aren't they, Christine?

I'm not sure.

But I know that they don't charge you if you lose.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, Colin.

See that woman that just got into the taxi?

Aye. I just shagged her.

Eh? Aye.

Upstairs. Oh, right, OK.

Met her online, Eric.

Sending each other messages, just chat, like, you know, how's things? I just put

a washing on.

Next thing, she's over and in my bed.

She was on topic with a towel down.

Colin, listen, I... What time is it?

It's half eleven.

That's me done already.

Well, good for you.

Listen, I've just got to nip back over to Alan's. Why? Listen, how's he doing

after his wee accident?

He's not great. He's got his leg all strapped up and he's stuck in the couch,

so... Oh, that's terrible. That's what it is.

I tell you what, I'll come across and tell them what I've been up to.

That'll cheer them up.

Um, I... So have they given you any painkillers?

Aye, coding.

No, they're quite strong, Alan. Just be careful with them.

Yeah, you're not meant to drive or operate machinery when you take them.

Oh, watch when you're using that grabber, Alan.

Hey!

What are you calling?

Ian, mate.

Good to see you.

Gordon, buddy, great seeing you.

15, you all right?

Yeah, she's looking good, sweetheart.

And Beth?

Ach, bring it in, Beth.

Bring it on in.

You all right, Colin?

Oh, I'm brilliant, Ian. I'm absolutely brilliant.

Right, let's see the wounded soldier.

How you doing, Alan? How's your leg?

It's all right.

Can't really move it.

Dear, oh, dear.

He's got to sleep down here on the couch.

Oh, no.

You can't get up to your own bedroom, oh, dear.

I've just come down for mine.

Eh?

Here's that guy's car, by the way, Alan. There you are.

What's his name?

Bill Muir.

Oh, he sounds good.

What's this?

Alan's suing for compensation for the accident.

Really? Well, we don't know that yet. It's just an idea.

And you'll need to discuss it with Michelle first, Alan.

I'm actually involved in a claim at the minute for a car accident.

I didn't know you had an accident.

Neither did I, but the guy in the phone swears blind I did.

Oh,

are you all right there, Alan?

Aye, I'm all right.

Are you sure you don't want a cushion under it?

No. I'll take a bit of toast, though.

Right, OK, a bit of toast. No problem.

I'll come in with you, Beth.

I think I can manage a piece of toast, Christine.

I know, but I just want to have a look in her cupboard.

Here, Al.

This will cheer you up.

I've just had sex.

What? Oh, call it, for God's sake.

The man's out of action, Eric. You want to know what the rest of you are up to,

won't you?

Not really.

Who were you having sex with?

A woman from Kilmarnock called Leslie.

Okay, so where did you meet her? Tinder.

Tell you what, Eric, you might see her in there.

There's people who are absolutely desperate.

I actually think if ever you and Beth were to split up, even you might get

something.

Crackers and cereal in here, Beth. Christine, come out of there.

She's very nicely organised.

Oh, and so...

To the tins.

Ah, the cheap beans, Beth.

She's like you.

Won't pay for the Heinzer. Well, we won't be needing anything from there, so

can close that.

Now, if you're looking for something to do, you can get me the butter out of the

fridge. Oh, the fridge.

Oh, well, this is very well stocked, Beth.

Condiment.

Cold meat.

Oh, nice bowl of grapes there.

I wonder if they're seedless.

No, no.

They're not. They're not.

Oh.

I mean, everybody's hooking up in line nowadays, aren't they? A lot of people,

yeah. What do you guys use?

Well, we're not on anything now because we're in a relationship.

Aye, but when you were looking, what one were you on?

Grinder. Didn't know you were on Grinder.

Well, I didn't use it much.

Do you want to see who I'm matched with, Alan?

Here,

her. Do you like her?

That's Fiona from Bathgate. She's 43.

Likes hill walking, paddle boarding and world swimming.

Christ, she'd be nagging before anything else.

Let's see. What was it?

Here's Diane.

What do you think of her?

Aye, she's nice.

Aye, but she's 36.

She might want kids.

Oh, now, here we go.

Karen. Yeah.

Likes meals out, which is good.

Swimming. Aye, okay if you want, but, oh, no.

Look, though.

Pride and Christian.

Bangles your Sunday.

So what do you put on your thing?

Aye, let's see your profile.

Aye, give us a look. Right, wait till I... Right, what am I doing?

Right, hang about.

Eh, oh, no, get out of that. Where am I? Oh, jeez, oh. Sorry about that.

What is it? Was that yours?

It was, aye.

What's going on?

Oh, I was just going through some pictures and I just clicked on a wee

one. Bloody hell.

What is it?

Colin just showed Alan a picture of his penis.

What did you do that for?

It was a mistake, Christine. I was just showing him some pictures and I clicked

on the wrong thing.

Well, why did you get a picture of your willy on your phone?

Well, just so I can send it to people.

You what?

Some people send private pictures nowadays if they're single and maybe

to people online.

He's on a dating app, Christine.

Aye, I met somebody this morning, actually.

Colin, let's maybe just park this here for now, shall we?

You were on a date this morning?

Aye. Where'd you go?

How's that toast, Alan?

She just came over to mine.

Hang about, hang about.

Are you saying that you had sex with a woman this morning?

Aye. Oh, my God.

Did you use a condom?

I did, aye.

I found one in an old toilet bag.

Oh, that's good.

Well, I think that's quite enough detail on this, Colin.

At what time was this?

Well, it started about half ten and it went on until about... God, I don't

When did I beat you, Eric?

Half ten.

I was just sitting down in my rolling egg and you were at it with some woman.

Oh, I am not happy about this. Are you, Beth?

Nothing to do with me, really.

I'm eating my breakfast and just a few feet away from me there was a man and a

woman engaged in sex.

Oh, imagine that, eh?

I know you lot are at it like dogs, but some of us have stand -up. Look, can we

just move on from that? We were actually here just to help Alan out.

Is there any garment in the fridge, Beth?

And who was this woman?

Leslie from Kilmarnock.

She was actually originally from Paisley, but she worked for North

Council, so the commute was a bit of a bugger. Do they not have an active

transport policy?

And are you seeing her again?

Well, maybe. I mean, a match for other people.

You might need to buy more condoms.

We need to put some ground rules in place.

I want nothing before two in the afternoon, nothing after ten at night,

absolutely nothing in that hot tub of yours. The last thing I want to see from

my top window is your bare arse bobbing up and down.

Sorry.

It's a domino's code.

Oh, that's nice.

That all right for you there?

Aye, that's magic.

Thanks, Beth.

So how long do you reckon you'll have this thing on for, then?

Could be up to eight weeks.

Eight weeks?

I'm telling you, Alan, you got on to that lawyer because you could be due a

wee payout.

Do you think?

Oh, yes.

Here, Colin, how much do you reckon he could get?

Well, if it turns out a long -term thing, you know, you could be into six

figures. Could I? Mm -hm.

When Pa burnt the roof of her mouth in Nando's, she gave vouchers?

What would you spend all that on, Alan, eh?

I don't really know.

Must be something you had your eye on.

I wouldn't mind tropical fish.

Oh, that's nice.

Remember you had the goldfish, Eric?

Aye, aye.

What was it called again?

Goldie.

12 years we had it.

Was it toilet or bin, Beth?

Toilet.

What about Michelle?

Anything she'd fancy?

No.

Well, actually, there is one thing that she wants, but we've not got enough for

it at the minute.

What's that?

Breast reduction.

No.

Really? Aye. She's fed up with him.

Oh, well, that's a shame.

They do look as if they've got a weight in them, don't they, Beth?

She's checked it out and she definitely wants them done, but we can't afford it

just now.

I've never really noticed Michelle's breasts before.

Have you not, Gordon?

I should try Bravissimo, Alan.

Are you sure there's nothing else I can do for you, Alan?

I could be doing by going to the toilet, Beth.

Oh, right, OK.

What do I need to do?

Someone could give us a hand through.

Right, no bother.

Maybe when you get your pet, you could treat yourself to a commode.

Eric, come on and help me get him through.

All right, there we go.

And... Oh, jeez!

Sorry, Eric.

No, no, you're all right. It's just my back.

You OK?

You all right, Dad?

Yeah, it's just... Here, let me help.

Right, that's you. You OK?

Aye.

All right if I hang on to you?

Yeah, fine, no problem.

Hey.

Dear, dear.

OK. You manage?

Aye. That's brilliant.

One of you's all right coming in with me?

Erm... It's just I can't stand to do it, so if one of you could help me turn

round and sit down.

Do you want me to...? If you don't mind, Gordon.

OK, yeah, that's OK, no problem.

It's obviously been a real nasty break.

It's going to take a bit of time, I reckon. Poor Michelle.

She's going to have her hands full.

Well, look, she's not completely on her own. We're happy to help.

Once we get the hang of those crutches, things will be a bit easier, too.

Have you seen them, Ian?

No. They're brand new.

They'd actually make you want to break your leg just to get a shot of them.

Makes you think all this, doesn't it?

One minute you're just wandering along, minding your own business, and the next

thing, something just comes out of nowhere and changes everything.

Like me this morning.

I mean, I planned on washing the car.

Oh.

You all right?

Aye.

I ended up doing a bit more than I thought.

Is everything okay?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hiya, Michelle.

Oh, wow.

Hi, Ian.

Gordon.

Hi, Colin.

Hello, Michelle.

Christine. Did you get his codeines in?

Yeah, I did.

Just out of interest, how many in the box?

We just popped in to see how Alan was doing. We saw your thing you put on

Facebook. We made him a smoothie.

All right. That was nice of you.

You can have it.

We've had a few unexpected visitors, Michelle.

So I see.

How's he been? All right?

Fine. No problem.

Eric's given me the number for a lawyer.

Sorry? To see if I can get compensation.

It's a guy we met on a thing we were at.

Bill. Have you been involved in a... He was telling us a wee bit about what you

would do with the money as well.

You know, lightning in the load.

Sophie wears Bravissimo, Michelle, and she's a G -cup.

Alan?

It just came up because we were talking about compensation money.

Alan, I swear to God.

Oh, come on.

It's only the human body.

I mean, we've all got one, haven't we? I mean, Christ, Alan saw my bits earlier

on. What?

Just a picture of them.

Aye, and Gordon saw yours for real, though, didn't you?

I saw everything.

What the hell is going on?

It's not what it sounds like.

Gordon helped Alan into the toilet.

Aye, I'm no constipated any more.

And Colin was just showing Alan a wee selfie.

He sent a picture of his penis to a woman in Kilmarnock, Michelle.

Look, see, apart from anything else, Alan, you're supposed to be using your

crutches. Oh, they're beautiful, Michelle.

Look, you can't just lie there while all these people run around after you.

Maybe you just need a wee bit of practice on them. Get your confidence.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, Eric.

Come on, up.

Up and try them.

What? Come on.

I'm not having this. I want to see you up and using them. You're not lying

while all these people run around after you, hand and foot.

We don't mind, Michelle, honestly.

No, Beth.

I'm fed up with it.

Come on.

Up.

Oh, jeez, oh.

Can I get a tablet first?

After.

Come on.

Oh, oh, oh. Ah, good job. There you go. Oh, hey.

He's up. Look at that.

Now walk.

Come on. Walk.

Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk. Walk.

Walk. Walk. Hey, well done, Alan.

Hey, what about that, eh? He's off and running.

Here, Alan, you mind nipping down the shots for me?

Right.

Happy? Good.

Before you put them away, Michelle, could I trouble you for a wee shot of

myself?

Yeah.

If you want. Oh, much obliged. It's just that I've got a wooden set, but these

are a different league, you know.

Oh, look at that.

This must be what it feels like to sit behind the wheel of a Rolls Royce. Oh,

I'm awake.

I'm awake now. Careful, Christine.

Here you go, way too fast.

Most of the time you're gonna crash You should watch, watch your step Don't look

up, gonna break your neck So shut, shut your mouth Cause I'm not listening

I don't have enough, enough of you Enough to last a lifetime

So what do you wanna be?

Got no words of sympathy