Original subtitles

Hey.

All right, Colin.

How are you doing?

I'm good, yeah. I'm good. I'm keeping busy.

Ah, what have you been up to?

I've, er... I've been... I got up not long ago. I got washed.

Oh, that was good. No, actually, that was Saturday.

Have you heard from her?

No. Well, listen, Beth was wondering if you wanted to come over for a wee cup of

tea later.

Who is she?

Oh, that was nice of her.

Well, aye.

Why not?

You know, it's supposed to be about, what, two o 'clock?

Well, that's quarter to five now.

Just come over whenever and we'll see you later, eh? Okey -dokey, Eric.

Aye.

You're all right, are you?

Aye.

I'm good.

Yeah.

All good.

Here he is.

Looking a bit fresher now, eh?

Aye, I had a shower.

Oh, that's good.

Aye, I found a towel, so... Sit down, sit down.

So,

how's it going?

I'm all right, you know.

Are you getting out and about?

No, not really, no.

Can't really face it.

Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?

What are you having?

Well, we had coffee after our dinner, so I'll have a tea.

What would you like, Eric?

I'll take a tea as well. Right, tea for you and I'll take a tea. What would you

like, Colin?

What was the question again?

I'll make a pot.

Christine. How's he doing?

I just happened to see him come in to you. Not bad.

He's just popped in for a cup of tea.

Oh, that's good.

And has he told you exactly what's happened yet?

I don't think he's ready to go into all that just yet.

Understandable.

When do you think he will be ready?

I'm just asking as a friend.

Look. Come in and say a quick hello, but go easy on him.

Softly, softly.

So she's left you then? Christine.

Apologies, apologies.

Too much, too soon.

Let me get sat down.

Let me go.

So, shall we with somebody else, or have you just had enough?

Christine, first.

God's sake.

No, it's all right, Eric.

It's going to come out at some point.

What happened was... Hold on a wee minute. Just let me get myself comfy.

it. A wee cushion there. That's it.

Aye. When you go.

So, we were thinking about buying an apartment out in Sharm el Sheikh.

Sorry? Sharm el Sheikh.

Egypt. Oh, right.

So, anyway.

Why Egypt?

Christine, just let him talk.

Kathy loved it out there.

Great weather, good shops, and no bother about where you can smoke.

So we lined up a couple of places to go and see, but then I couldn't

go. So I said, why don't you just go on your own so we don't miss out on it?

So that was the plan.

She'd go out, look at the apartments.

put a deposit down and head straight back.

But then she got stuck into the duty free and shagged from the rail.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Were you local? See, that can happen. When Pa went to the Gambia, she was

offered the works in exchange for her Celtic top.

He was the sales agent at the apartments.

He would have been hitting her with all the platter, turning her head with what

could be.

It's like me with that guy with the roller blinds. If I had not had my wits

about me, I could have ended up doing away with every curtain in my house.

And is she definitely not coming back?

No.

She says that's it.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Colin.

There's nothing you could have done.

You could have bought him ten a reef.

Let's just maybe leave it there, eh?

Yes, I think that's enough for now.

Have you spoken to her? I've left a few messages.

How many?

Today.

I just can't believe it. I mean, what am I going to do?

I know this feels awful now, Colin, but...

You will get over this.

And we're all here to help, aren't we?

Absolutely.

You know, it's times like these that you need friends around you. And we're here

for you.

And see if you're burning any clothes.

Let me take a look through the bags for you first.

Oh, hello.

Hi. Hiya, Mum.

Gordon's got some news.

Hi, boys.

Hiya. Sorry to interrupt, but Gordon's got some news.

I got the job.

Did you?

I did.

Oh, that's fantastic.

What's this?

Gordon's got a new job.

Oh, thank Christ, I'm ready for that stupid car hire, please.

Actually, it's a promotion to branch manager.

Congratulations.

That's great news. I'm really pleased for you. Cheers, Colin.

Aye, cheers, Colin.

How's everything with you?

Absolutely terrible.

Oh.

Kathy's shacked up with an estate agent, and where has that again been?

Sharm El Sheikh.

Egypt, Ian.

Son all year, although you two would have to pretend to be cousins.

I'm really sorry to hear that, Colin.

Do you think there's a chance she may come back?

I don't know.

Well, at least if you end up having to sell your house, you've got someone who,

or maybe one of the local agents would be better.

So when do you start, then? End of the month.

Oh, right. Quite soon.

What was the interview like?

It was quite tough.

There was a woman from head office in Swansea came up for it, and a guy from

and my area manager.

Oh. Could you know I've saved everybody the bother and just ticked the box that

said you were gay?

I remember my first promotion.

I'd gone after the sales manager's position at the place where I was

Didn't think I'd a hope in hell again. I just went in, I was totally relaxed,

just riled through.

Next thing I get the call, you've got the job.

And I tell you what, see that night, when I went home to tell Kathy, she was

over the moon.

Was she?

Proper celebrations.

You know, like champagne, takeaway, and then upstairs.

Oh, Jesus.

See that night?

That.

With dynamite.

There was not one corner of that bedroom we were not in.

Anyway, Colin.

She was very open -minded as well.

I mean, some of the stuff she was doing, I mean, well, I'd only ever seen it in

VHS. Why don't I get on with that tea? Yes, please.

So, Dad, um... Was it the wheelbarrow she did, Colin?

So... Are you taking care of yourself, Colin?

You look as if you've lost a wee bit of weight.

No, no, I am.

I fried an egg last night.

Oh, that's good.

What did you have with it? Half a bottle of Wayne Mackay.

You cannae be harsh, Putin.

There's a lot of choice now when it comes to meals for one.

Although the single portion is sometimes a wee bit too weird.

And the one that serves two is sometimes too big.

You can just keep them for the next night, I suppose.

No, you could.

But what you actually do is hoover the whole fucking lot.

Cooking's quite a good thing to help take your mind off stuff.

It is, isn't it? The night before my interview, I cooked a big lentil

That calmed you down, did it?

Along with the beta blockers and my CBD oil, yeah.

Do you have a few things you can make, Colin?

Well, fried eggs.

I'm not bad at toast.

And I can do oven chips.

Why don't I make you something?

Eh? Why don't I make you something to eat that you can take away?

You need to make sure you're getting something decent to eat.

What about a macaroni?

Oh, Mum's macaroni is the best.

Depends on the cheesy and I've had a few of them and they've been a bit on the

bland side.

Why don't I make you macaroni cheese, pop it in some Tupperwares and then

have something you can just heat up when you want it.

Aye.

Aye, OK, Beth.

And thank you, Beth.

Somebody should really think about bringing out a cookbook for single men.

You could do it in sections.

One for when she's just left, one for when you're getting back on your feet,

one when you've moved on and you've got another wife.

Well, actually, then you could just throw away.

I was just thinking, do you want to come and watch me?

Well, if you watch me make it, then... Maybe you'll be able to make it for

yourself.

Well, I... I know, eh?

What have I got to lose?

You can buy jars or packets, but I always think it's best made from

So, butter, milk, flour.

You're going to make yourself a roux.

Now, you take this, and when the butter's melted, you can do some

And, you know, once you know how to make a roux, you can make lots of different

things, but for today, we're just going to focus on the macaroni.

What am I doing?

What is this?

Why am I watching you cooking?

So that you can learn how to make something nice to eat for yourself.

I think you'd better come through.

You all right there, Con?

What's happened to me, Eric?

Look, you've had a big shock.

But we're all here for you. You'll get through it.

But I miss her.

And it's not just the sex.

Although that was very satisfying.

It's the physical contact.

Just having someone to snuggle up with.

I'm on my own now.

There you go, there you go, there you go.

Why don't you get a wee bit of fresh air, Colin?

Ian, take Colin out and get him a wee bit of fresh air.

Come on out the back, Colin.

Nice to get a wee bit of fresh air.

Does that clear the head a bit?

It does, yeah, and I... I mean, there's a dump out here, but even

still... I had a very bad break -up with a guy once when I was 20.

I couldn't stop crying, so I went to the doctor.

He put me on antidepressants, but I was still crying.

Then one night, I went out walking, and, er...

Mum didn't know where I was, so she called the police and they came and

me up.

Anyway, I went back to the doctor and he upped the dirt and things started to

settle down.

And then I got back into my badminton again.

So... Listen, I know it might not feel like it in

a minute, but it will be OK.

Will it?

Of course it will.

It would just take time.

And you never know, it might even work out for the best.

What do you mean?

Well, you might be better off without her.

And if not, then maybe try a racket spot.

What are we going to do?

I should definitely finish the macaroni.

What do you think?

I don't know.

We have to try and take his mind off it as best we can.

I mean, it's in a nice spot, but they've got a very poor selection of draft in

that wool pack.

Mm -hm.

Compared to the Rovers, Beth.

Yes. They've got a full line -up of bitter.

Betty used to stand and physically pump it out.

Betty Turpin, Eric?

Yeah. Nah, she was a big friendly thing.

You're a fan of the Soaps, are you?

Oh, yes.

They have been good friends to me, Gordon.

I used to sit when Sophie was wee and I would explain who everybody was.

That's Deirdre.

She's with Samir.

She used to be married to Ken, but she had a thing with Mike, who is now living

with Alma, who previously had been seeing Ken.

The one we always liked was Brookside.

Oh, Bobby and Sheila.

Do you remember Brookside, Colin?

Was that the one that was set in Liverpool?

Yes, it was. Did you watch it?

No.

We watch Hollyoaks sometimes.

Oh, I've never watched that.

Has that got a pub in it? Yeah.

The dog. The dog, yeah.

And what do they serve in the weir draft?

Maybe this is a good sign.

What's that, Colin?

Maybe it's a good sign.

That's what they were saying out the back.

I might actually be better off without her.

Well, she was a bit of a handful.

You never quite knew what you were going to get, did you?

You knew that she was going to get fucking plastered?

She liked to drink.

Oh, she'd attain it through her city clit.

She used to kiss me on the mouth and I could always taste their alcohol.

And cigarettes.

And sometimes mints if she'd been driving.

Oh, yeah, she could get a bit carried away.

She was a nightmare.

She'd come in for a cup of tea, next thing she'd get the wine cracked open

she's making you sit up till all hours.

She just used you, Mum.

She did, Ian.

She used to invite herself in here all the time.

She did tend to take over a bit.

I thought you were best friends.

Me and Cathy?

Yeah.

You know it?

Well... I mean... The thing about Cathy is she

only cares about herself.

Hi, Beth.

Sorry to bother you. You didn't happen to take a parcel in for me, did you?

Oh, yeah. Come in, come in.

Hi, Michelle.

Hiya. Oh, so sorry. I didn't realise you had people in.

Hello, Michelle.

Hiya. How you doing?

How are you, Colin?

I'm not bad, Michelle.

Do you hear that Cathy's left him for an estate agent?

Are they going to live in those apartments or have they got an actual

a garden?

Aye, all right, Christine.

I'm really sorry, Colin.

It's OK.

They've been saying that it might turn out to be for the best.

Well, yeah, there's still plenty of life in you.

Oh, aye, I've never had any trouble with that.

I wasn't meaning anything... To meet someone else.

I don't know.

Alan Ebbers' wife left him and he met a woman who runs a fish farm.

My friend Fiona, her partner left her for somebody else, but she's already

engaged to another guy and he's much better looking, actually.

Oh!

Yeah, and do you know what? See, when her divorce came through, she had a

Did she?

I mean, it sounds a bit mad, but it was absolutely brilliant.

She invited us all around, she got the champagne open, sang songs, and then she

took her wedding ring off and flushed it down the toilet.

I lost a charm off a bracelet down a caravan toilet once. You remember that,

Beth? I do.

It was fully plumbed in, so there was no chance of sifting through the tank.

Just give it time, Colin.

It's hard going just now, but you'll get through it.

Aye. And once you get back out there, you never know what will happen.

Aye, but who would I go out with?

No. I'm used to going out in a couple. I don't even know where single people go.

There was a car park that Pat's son Michael used to drive to, and that was

popular.

You can come out with us if you want.

Aye? Yeah, if you want.

Aw, thanks, boys.

That means a lot.

Not gay pubs, though, eh?

I just think you'll look back on this in a few years' time and realise it was

all just the way it was meant to be.

Do you know what?

You're probably right, Michelle.

And Kath, I suppose she could be a bit much sometimes, couldn't she?

She was a pain in the arse, Christine.

Oh, come on. It was like living next door to a fucking hyena.

Well, there was certainly never a dull moment, was there?

Oh, I remember that time she ended up on the roof of the garage out there.

The first time I was ever in your house, you nearly burned the whole place down.

Do you remember that? I do, yes.

I've got a good jumper upstairs that still smells of smoke.

Remember when she went for the Tesco delivery guy with a golf club because he

dropped her bottle of Bacardi in the driveway?

Do you know what?

I'm going to ring her.

What? No, now, Colin, hold on a minute.

No, no, I'm going to ring her, Beth. I want to.

I've got a few last things I want to say to her. Oh, wait, where's my phone,

Beth? What do you need your phone for?

I'm going to film it.

Right.

It's voicemail.

Kath, it's me, Colin.

This is the last message I will ever leave you.

Now, I know I said that earlier today and a few times yesterday, but I do mean

it.

What we had, Kath, it was special.

But it's over.

And I accept that.

I'm moving on.

I'm feeling positive about the future.

Ian and Gordon have said they'll take me out to a mainstream venue.

And Michelle, well...

She's as good as promised to hook me up with some of her pals.

And Beth has taught me how to make macaroni cheese.

So, this is it, Kath.

This is goodbye.

No hard feelings. You take care.

I wish you all the very best.

And by the way, everyone here thinks you're a pain in the arse.

Bye now.

I forgot to press the button.

Did you do it again?

Oh.

That Alan, wondering where I am.

What are you going to be doing in this new job then, Gordon?

Oh, have you got a new job?

Yeah, I've got a promotion.

I'm going to be managing a team.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Congratulations.

When I worked in sales, we had a manager who was homosexual.

Did you?

Aye. We just ignored him, though.

My friend that I was talking about, she's got a promotion at work as well.

Oh, has she?

Is that the one that got the divorce?

Yeah. And she's a party to celebrate it? Yeah.

You know, I can understand that. I can.

You know, you're just showing everyone that you're ready to move on.

Honestly, it was such a good laugh. We were all singing I Will Survive at the

top of our voices.

Oh, that's a classic, that one, isn't it?

Have you got it, Beth?

Well, I'll probably have it somewhere.

Well, stick it on.

I'd have to dig it out.

You got it in your phone, any one of you?

Go on, put it on.

I want to hear it.

This was for me.

This could have been written about me.

Mum,

we're maybe going to go.

Yes, yes, right.

Yeah, we're maybe going to get a takeaway on the way home as a retreat.

Oh. Quite right.

I think I'm going to go too, Beth.

Right, OK.

I've seen that I don't pass a takeaway on the way home as well.

Do you want some macaroni to take away with you?

Oh, that's a good idea, Beth.

Well, that'll be Alan at it.

Do you know this one, do you, Gordon?

We've heard it a few times calling, aye.

All right.

Oh, hi, Alan.

All right.

Hi, Alan.

I won't survive, Alan.

I won't survive.

As long as I know how to love, eh, Beth?

I've got my tubs of macaroni and I know I'm still alive.

I'm still alive.

Right, come on.

Bye, everyone. Bye, Christine.

Cheerio, son.

Listen, good luck on the job.

Gordon's got a new job.

Right. I mean, congratulations.

Come on, wee bit ahead.

We should maybe make a move too.

Sorry, Colin.

Oh.

Any chance of getting that parcel off you, Beth?

Yes, right, of course.

What have you been treating yourself to?

Nothing, really. Just a few brochures.

Oh, aye. What for?

Holiday homes.

Oh. It's just a few. It's just for Portugal, Lanzarote, and a couple down

Malaga that we've been chatting about, eh?

My mate's got a place. He's away four times a year. Says it's the best thing

he's ever done.

Oh, right.

Whereabouts is his?

Sharm el Sheikh.

He swears if we go there, we don't want to come back.