Original subtitles

We still on for tonight?

Oh, yeah, you bet.

Cannot wait for you to meet them.

Yes, I'm looking forward to it.

Now, you sure I can't bring anything, some nibbly bait?

We're not putting out loads of shit.

Thanks, anyway.

And tell Ian and Gordon not to bring anything either.

OK, yeah.

Al and Michelle coming?

They are.

I saw her this morning on her driveway. Not a drop of make -up on.

What a difference.

So. That is, you and Eric, Alan and Michelle, Ian and Gordon, and Gail

and Andy, obviously.

What about Christine?

What about her?

Oh, Kathy.

No, come on. You can't invite everyone and not say to Christine.

Why not?

Because she'll feel left out.

OK, well, I'll say to Eric not to come.

OK, I'll say to her.

But if she starts talking about tinned ham and leaky bladders, she is out of

door.

I'll open this one.

What is it?

The boccella. Did I like that one?

No.

Oh, is that one you brought back with you, then? It is, aye. It's a nice one,

this. Me and Kath really got into our vino while we were away, didn't we?

Oh, yes, we did.

And our gin and our vodka.

Would you like an olive, Ian? Have you ever tried an olive?

The holiday was good then, was it?

Oh, it was tremendous, Gordon. What was it like, Kath? It was bellissimo.

So you picked up some of the language, then?

I did, Beth. I can also say white toast and clean ashtray.

Whereabouts in Italy were you?

Sorrento.

Sorrento.

Sorrento, is that north?

You know how Italy's like a boot? Did you know that, Gordon?

Well, Sorrento is about halfway up towards the thigh.

Thigh, high boot, Gordon.

The one place I'd love to go to is Venice.

Oh, Venice.

Oh, we've been, haven't we, Cole? Aye. What's it like?

It stinks of shit.

Oh, shh, shh, shh. Right, they're here. OK, OK, that'll be them.

OK, you sit over there, please.

Eric, could you sit up a bit?

Beth, Beth, tuck your bag in.

Ian, are you going to give us a smile tonight?

Oh, my God!

Oh, it's so good to see you, Mrs.

All right, how are you doing, Cathy?

I'm good, thanks. Look at you, you big... ride.

Anyway,

how are you?

Oh, we're fine, yeah.

It's rubbish being back there, isn't it? Oh, it is, Gail. I mean, that's the

thing about being away. It makes you realise what a shithole Scotland

is.

Come on in!

I'm getting plums and strawberries, but for something else.

Is it?

Grapes? Aye.

Maybe a wee touch of grapes there, can I?

Look who I've found.

Oh, there they are.

Oh, good to see you again.

How are you, Colin?

How are you doing, Colin? You all right? Oh, bring it in, big guy.

Oh,

girl, how you doing, sweetheart?

You look incredible.

Didn't you look incredible?

You should see her in the swimsuit.

Gail, I would like you to meet our neighbours. This is Beth.

Hiya. And this, believe it or not, is her husband, Eric.

How you doing? Excuse me, no getting up. It's these sofas. Once I get myself sat

down, I can't even get back up again.

Everyone else can, Gail. It's just him.

And this is Ian and Gordon. Now, Ian is Beth and Eric's son.

Hiya. Hi, how you doing? And they're a gay couple, aren't they?

Yeah, he's her gay son.

We knew when he was young, so...

So you guys all met on holiday then, did you? We did, yeah.

We were staying in the same hotel.

What a place it was. Wasn't it, Andy? Yeah, it was good.

Was that your first time in Italy?

No, been a few times. Love it. Gail and Andy travel a lot. She's even got a

separate bit in her purse for Euros.

Right. Now, I know you're not much of a drinker, Gail. Me?

No, I never touch it.

She's lying. She loves drinking.

Beth, wait for me, too.

You glass of red, do you?

Go on.

Andy? Yeah, whatever, sure.

Fucking brilliant.

So is it always that one bit of Italy you go to?

No, well, we're like Cathy's tan.

We go all over.

Oh.

I go topless when I'm on holiday, Gordon. Even when I'm eating.

You guys been to Italy?

No, no, but funnily enough, I was just saying earlier, I'd like to. I've been.

Shh. Gordon, let the men talk.

You should go.

You'd love it.

We always end up in Spain, don't we? Mm.

Fucking Malaga.

She's saying they'd love Italy, wouldn't they?

I swear it's like they're pretty strange, Andy.

They could go Ryanair, Col.

Aye. Ryanair maybe goes.

Aye. You can get a Ryanair to Venice now, can you not? I was saying earlier

love to go to Venice.

Oh, it's stunning, Beth. We love it.

Love Venice, Gail.

That's right up at the top of the boot, Gordon.

Oh, thank you.

No problem, Gail, honey.

Oh, that is nice.

Oh, that's lovely, isn't it, Beth?

We brought a fair bit of Jukie Freeback, I have to say, didn't we, Kath?

Fucking shedloads.

Kath, take Gail through and show her what there is.

Yeah. Aye.

Show her all your fags as well.

Come on. Oh.

Cheers, Andy.

Cheers.

So what have you been up to since you've been back?

Just work.

Oh, I was off to the golf yesterday.

Oh, aye, aye.

Andy plays off too.

So we need to get a game sometime.

Sure could do, yeah.

What about you guys? Do you play?

No point asking them. Even the last 18 holes.

None of the clubs that they're interested in are the ones that hand out

bags at the door.

And this one is good with red meat, apparently.

Well, we can open that with a burger.

And this one is, well, it's a wife.

Well, that'll be nice with Christian.

I had a tuna sandwich out of the garage the other day for lunch and it was

fantastic with it.

And this one is...

14%, and it has the picture of a donkey on the front.

We hardly brought anything back this time. No? Well, apart from the lemon

We always bring a bottle of that back for me, don't we? Are you thinking of

going back next year?

I think we're going to go back to the same place, you know.

No way, are you?

Well, why not? We really liked it. I mean, everything about it was perfect.

Do you know, we're thinking of going to the same place as well.

Really? Oh, my God.

Why don't we just go at the same time?

Well, yeah.

Absolutely.

We met a gay couple from Newcastle when we were in Lanzarote, you know.

Great guys.

Really?

What's their names?

Yanny and Alex.

Yanny and Alex?

Here he is. Do you know a Yanny and Alex from Newcastle?

We are still in touch with a couple we met in France.

Are you really? Well, it's just Ken now.

Ah, she died.

Aw.

And to be honest, he's heading the same way, judging by the handwriting on that

last Christmas card.

Oh, excuse me a second, Andrew.

We got a text from a Danish guy we met in a hostel in Barcelona.

Oh, that's nice.

It was really to let us know that he'd had pubic lice, so to be on the lookout.

Andy, they've got limoncello. Oh, Andy. Oh, do you remember we had them after

that meal?

Oh, God, that was the night he had that massive steak.

Oh, my God, I loved that night.

Beth, Beth, you should see him eating a steak. It's brilliant.

Hi.

Oh, welcome.

Oh, hiya. Hi, Michelle.

All right, Michelle. Hi, Alan. All right.

Buona sera, Alan.

What?

Um, Dale, I'd like you to meet Michelle. She lives across the road.

Hiya, Michelle.

Hi, pleased to meet you. This is Alan.

How you doing, Alan? I'm Andy. Nice to meet you, pal.

Andy's my partner.

And Alan is hers.

I know!

Sit down, sit down, everyone!

Alan, don't squash Andy.

How you doing, Eric? You all right?

I'm good, Alan, eh? Are you supposed to be on holiday as well?

No. Right, Tristan, go on.

Glass of wine, Michelle?

Oh, lovely.

Alan, you want a glass of wine? Why?

What do you like?

Well, a beer, but she says I'll take what I'm offered.

I'll grab you a beer.

Kathy.

Kathy.

Yes, Beth, darling?

Did you say to Christine?

Yes. That's my dad.

So do you guys live around here as well?

Not far, aye. We come over quite a lot.

At least you stopped bringing his washing over.

Aye, I only come now when I need to borrow money.

My family are dead close.

We're always round at my mum's. Oh, that's nice.

My parents actually live in England.

Gordon, don't start going on about Yorkshire.

Oh, whereabouts in Yorkshire?

Skipton.

Skipton, Gail.

Skipton. Beautiful down there.

So you had a good holiday then, did you, Kathy?

Oh, it was amazing.

Wasn't it, Gail? Yeah, it was great. It's such a lovely place.

We're all going back again next year.

Wow. Well, it must have been good then.

I mean, you obviously got the good weather.

Every day with a scorcher, Michelle.

It was up in the 90s every single day.

Oh, no, no, that's too hot for me.

I would just burn.

Well, you could just sit inside then, Eric.

Were you sweating in your beds?

What? Were you sweating in your beds at night?

No, the rooms had air con. Right, that's good.

What was I like in Greece, Michelle?

I was sweating right the way through the night, even though I was in a scud.

Alan drives a van.

Right,

here we go.

Thanks, Colin.

What's this?

That's a Valpolicella.

We're actually trying to decide on somewhere for next summer of sales.

Who are you, Michelle?

Where are you thinking?

I've seen Orlando.

You been there?

No, well, we don't have kids, though.

So we're free to go where we want.

We are.

Beth, you been to Orlando?

No.

Whereabouts is it you were again?

Sorrento. Any of you?

Alan. Oh, the whole of them Alfie courses.

Absolutely beautiful.

Oh, it's very romantic, Michelle, isn't it, Cathy? Oh, yeah, you'd never offer

me the whole week.

Where is Amalfi? Is it north?

It's middle.

You know, like Naples, Capri, Pompeii.

Well, you certainly know your stuff.

I always say you can't go wrong with a holiday in Scotland.

Yeah, you do always say that. Try not saying it.

Listen, I can remember a few holidays we had in Scotland that went wrong.

Oh, don't mention the caravan.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, what was that? No, I want to hear this.

Get more wine, honey.

Let's just say we booked for a week and lasted one night.

It was not the best.

Was it one of those chemical toilets?

Well, the thing is, they just mask the smell. They don't actually break stuff

down.

Well, excuse me a wee second.

Cheers, everyone.

Cheers. Cheers.

Lovely to meet you.

Hi, Colin. Sorry I'm late. No bother.

I was waiting on my eyes online getting delivered.

All right.

Just the two substitutions this week. Well, that's not bad.

No, but tinned fruit cocktail instead of peaches I can live with. But I'm fucked

if I'm making a steak pie out of two turkey burgers and a pork medallion.

That was hilarious.

I mean, they clean the pool every day anyway, don't they?

Ah, here we are.

Oh, hi, Christine.

Oh, hiya, Christine.

Hiya. Christine, this is Gail and Andy. They're good friends that we go on

holiday with.

Mm -mm.

All right.

Wait till I get sat down, eh?

Over there, Cobb. Stick her over there.

All right.

Thank you.

How are you, Christine?

Oh, not bad, Michelle, not bad.

Big shop just delivered.

Big pack of wagon wheels, Alan. Your friend and mine.

Oh, Kath, the Strongbow's on offer as well. Big two -litre job.

Saves you pissing about with your cans.

Colin, would you like to get Christine a wee drink?

Christine, a glass of Italian wine?

Aye, all right.

Oh! And don't you be having the good stuff and patting the rest of us off of

cheap crap.

So do you stay... Is it next door?

Yes, that's correct.

Oh, it must be funny, living next to these two.

I can tell you some stories.

She's quite a character, Gail, but she gets me. wandered. Settle down,

Christine. Sit nice.

Did she ever tell you about the time that I heard her being sick and the

out the back and I thought it was two foxes mating?

Calling Christine's wine right now.

So did you stay around the pool most days or did you go to the beach?

No, we were at the beach quite a bit as well. Really?

I love swimming in the sea.

Was there jellyfish?

Pat and I went to Rome.

Ah, that's right.

A once -in -a -lifetime experience.

Oh. When I was there with my school trip, the new Pope was getting selected

we saw the smirk coming out of the roof.

Oh.

There's nothing compared to what came out of Pat's kitchen window once she got

wired into her duty -free.

You need to watch your tongue.

Isn't it going to look a bit rude if we go now?

Listen, she'll invite us to show off her new pals and her tan, which she's

definitely not been topping up down at the old electric beach.

You guys all ready for drinks?

Oh, yeah. Andy was just staying on the beach with me.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Really clean. And the water was... It was crystal clear.

I didn't see one polybag the whole time, Michelle.

I was in the sea every morning.

Already? Yeah.

Then I did my gym at night.

Wow. The gym on holiday? Wow.

That's proper dedicated, that is.

We're trying to stay in shape, you know.

You can see you work out.

How went down the gym?

I was at the gym too.

It was... It was all right.

They used to tell gyms, though, you know, you don't really get the full

weight and stuff.

Rowing machine was all right, though. I did half an hour and that.

Half an hour in the road machine?

Aye.

My God, that's quite a lot.

No, it's nothing.

Shall I use your loo, Colin?

Aye, sure. It's just in the hall here.

Ashley, come here.

I'll show you.

Good, isn't it? Oh, it's lovely.

Is it the Barolo?

It is.

See, you're enjoying yourself, aye?

I'll smash him, yeah.

They're nice, the couple from across the road. Alan and Michelle?

Oh, they're good spots.

See, Andy, between you and me, she's... She's got a wee bit of a thing for me.

Who?

Michelle. Has she?

All right.

It's just one of those things, you know, a pretty young lassie, a mature,

dominant male. I do my best to keep her at arm's length, obviously.

Right. But...

Just in case she tries to use you to get to me.

Right.

Okay. Well, I'll look out for her.

Good man.

Right, that's you in there. Fire away, big chap.

Eric, what's that one there beside you?

Olives. Oh, Jesus Christ.

It's not got any crust or nothing.

No, it's all Italian.

Why Italian?

Because they're just back from Italy.

That's where they'll be during their holidays.

So what? I went to Blackpool, but I didn't start serving up fucking candy

before when they came through the door. Well, it's putting me in mind of booking

something. Oh. Aye. A taxi.

Making off?

Oh, it's our name again.

Who? The new pal.

Gail.

I've hardly said two words to her since I came in. Yeah.

Hey, Gail!

Gail!

Give me a wee minute.

Gail's a bit busy at the moment, Christy. No, no, no, it's fine. I'll go

hello.

You part your arse next to me.

We can have a wee chat, eh?

Hey, come on, let's just go.

I still think it's too soon.

You all right, Gordon? Right, Ian?

All good, thanks. Yeah.

So you met this man on holiday, did you?

We did, yeah. I heard the Scottish accent beside the pool one day, you

What was it saying?

Two sunbeds and a litre of vodka, please, Luigi.

I bet you can get passes so you don't need to wait in the queues.

I just don't fancy it. If I go on holiday, I don't want to be trailing

I just want to lie down on a lounger beside the pool.

A wee snooze under the umbrella, eh? Oh, I'm naughty, actually.

I like to lie out in the sun most of the day.

Oh, that's naughty, naughty, very naughty.

So what was the pool like in your hotel?

Oh, it was really nice, actually.

Wasn't it, Colin?

It was, aye. I went in with a snorkel and the tiling work was out of this

Could you wear shorts in it?

What? My mate went to a campsite in France and he wasn't allowed to wear

in the pool.

He had to wear speedos.

I wear Speedos anyway.

Do you?

Well, yeah, they're better if you want a proper swim.

Wee pair of budgies, mugglers.

I was swimming too.

Were you wearing Speedos?

Well, no, but I do have some. I do wear them.

Do you?

Oh, I have wee red ones.

And they've got a wee bit of netting at the front so you can sort of double bag

things. But I didn't have them. I just did my shorts.

And that way, you know, I could get my swim.

Get dried off and then hit the gym.

Were you definitely going to the gym at the hotel?

Oh, aye, I was in there every day. I was hitting it hard, so I was.

That's weird.

I never saw you in there the whole time.

No, I was... Oh, look at that, you dirty bastard.

Shit. No, I'm alright. It's alright, Michelle. Just a total accident.

Dear me, look at that.

Right down my good lacoste.

Wait, and I'll get you a cloth? No, no, no. I'll just go and fix something else

on it.

I'll be two ticks.

I'll garve. That was the last time I went abroad, Gail.

Portugal. Oh, it's beautiful.

All that gorgeous golden sand.

Gorgeous to look at.

Not so gorgeous when you're sat in a bidet trying to hose it out the crack of

your arse.

To be honest, at my age, I'm no bothered about going in line on a beach.

Ever thought about a cruise?

Oh, fuck no.

One person eats a dodgy prawn, the next thing you know, they're turning the

casino into a shithouse.

So much for my gran.

All right, Gail. Gail, shout if you want rescued.

Eh? No,

no, no, no, no, I'm fine.

We actually took her to Italy, didn't we, Andy?

Eh? Remember we took my gran to Italy?

Oh, yeah, we did, to be fair.

Oh, she loved everything Italian.

Pavarotti. She loved him. Oh, Pavarotti. I like Pavarotti. Oh, Pavarotti. I love

Pavarotti, Gail.

What was that one he did again?

Nessun dorma.

Nessun dorma, yeah.

Good on you, Eric. You've maybe not got the voice, but you've certainly got the

belly.

The minute you hear opera, you just think about Italy, don't you?

I'll tell you the one that makes me think of Italy.

It's not so bad.

It's a nicer place. I'll shut up your face.

I'll shut up your face.

Yeah, all right. Okay, that's enough of that shit.

I'll leave her alone.

Honestly, Gail, you give her a glass of wine, she thinks she's fucking Susan

Boyle.

Oh, you've changed her top.

Eh? Oh, aye, I spilt wine down my shirt.

By accident.

Huh.

Looking good there, Colin.

Thanks, Gail.

Cathy.

What, sir?

Do you want a drink?

Oh, Gordon, would you like some more alcohol? Bring out your personality a

No, we actually need to go.

What? Yeah, we said we'll go and visit our friends, Marvin and Lynn.

Marvin and Lynn?

Yeah, Lynn's been promoted and Marvin's organised a wee get -together. Oh, well,

a lesbian with a pay rise, you can't miss that.

Well, maybe another half hour then.

Nice top.

I just grabbed the first thing I could find, Michelle.

Go on, Colin, show your muscle.

Apparently he was in the gym every day while we were away.

Oh, go on, then.

Show us the guns.

Oh, Colin.

Look at that.

Go on, Colin.

That reminds me. I got a wee discount chicken in my shopping earlier.

I'll need to get it boiled up for stock.

Andy,

show us yours.

No. Oh, come on, show us your muscles.

Holy maloney.

He's enjoying his drink. Oh, go on, Andy.

Yeah, go on.

All right, Gordon, don't start getting all gay and horny.

I want to do that.

Look at that.

Now, that's what I call a six -pack. Yes, indeed.

That's enough.

I was quite enjoying that.

All right, Beth, keep your knickers on, love.

Neil, do you have a little limoncello?

No, no, no, I'm fine. Oh, come on.

Honestly, Kathy, I'm fine with my wine.

We're having a limoncello, missus. We've got a holiday to plan.

What about sops?

Eh?

Can you do sops?

Of course you can't.

Too many.

What? How many subs can you do?

I don't know. Never really counted, to be honest.

I can do 175.

Can you?

Very good.

You don't believe me?

No. No, I do.

I'll show you.

Colin.

You'll enjoy this, Michelle.

What is he doing? Some sit -ups. This is ridiculous.

Right.

One.

Two.

Three. Alan, hold my feet.

Eh? Hold my feet.

Four.

Five.

Six. Seven.

Eight.

Let go of my feet.

Alan, let go of my fucking feet!

Jesus! Right, I've had enough.

Are you all right, Colin?

I'm fine. I just... You know about it.

Limoncello!

What are you doing? Hit -ups.

Right, come on.

Kathy, we're going to head off. Oh, all right, off you go, then. Everybody say

goodbye to the dullest gays in the world.

Kathy. All right, Kathy.

Away you go to your party, boys. She only wanted you here to make it look as

she had loads of pals.

Right, that's it. You can go as well.

What? Yeah, I didn't want to invite you. She made me.

Kathy, for God's sake.

Come on.

It's time to go.

You've bored Gail enough. Up you get.

Kathy, you are out of order. You have not bored me. Gail, you don't have to be

nice to everybody. No, she's a boring old cow.

Hey, that's a bit much, Kath.

Oh, is it, Eric? Well, nobody really cares what you think.

Hey.

Come on, Andy.

Eh?

We're going.

What? Oh, Gail, what? You know, the way you treat your friends is shocking.

I mean, they have been nothing but nice to us all evening.

I mean, fair enough, it's a weird mix of people, but they have been very decent.

And I will not sit here and listen to any more of this.

Oh, and see you next year.

But somewhere else.

I reckon ahead.

Keep up the training, then.

Aye. Will do.

I'll see you.

Cheerio, Andy. Bye, Andy. Bye.

Fucking prick.

Thank you.