Original subtitles

Oh, that was quick.

Did you get milk?

Aye.

Look what else I got.

What was that?

Donuts. Christ, how many did you get?

Twelve. Family bundle.

Twelve donuts between two of us?

I just thought they'd be nice for a coffee.

We'd need to open our own coffee to get through all them.

Well, what do you want me doing?

I don't know, but we're not sitting here eating twelve donuts. What in God's

name is a family bundle anyway?

Two plain rings, two raspberry, two fudge candies, two chocolate dreamies,

apple pie, one caramel custard, one white chocolate cheesecake.

I think.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hiya, Beth.

Listen... Alan's bought a whole load of donuts and we'll never eat them all.

Would you and Eric like some?

Um, well... It's a family bundle, Beth.

I only went in to get milk and panty liners as well.

Oh, they look lovely.

A wee bit of jam missing for that one, but apart from that, they've not been

touched. Take as many as you want.

Um, well, let's not stand here and do this. Come in.

Eric!

Oh, hi, Michelle. Hi, Alan.

Hi, Eric.

Listen, sorry to disturb you, it's just we've got these doughnuts and I was just

saying to Beth, there's far too many of them for us, so we just wanted to see if

you might like some.

Oh, that's nice.

That'd be nice with a cup of tea, eh?

That's what I says, Eric. A cup of tea and a doughnut, you cannae bear it.

Yes, a doughnut, Alan, not twelve.

Oh, he's the same terrible sweet tooth.

I have to hide the Kit Kats.

Try in behind the microwave, Eric.

Well, look, please help yourself, because we'll never eat them all.

OK, then. Can't have them go to waste, eh?

Well, look.

What have we got?

Two plain rings, two raspberry, two fudge sundaes, two chocolate jimmies,

apple pie, one caramel custard.

That one is a white chocolate cheesecake.

Jeez, oh, some collection, eh?

Family bundle, Eric.

Is there any you don't like?

Not really, Beth, no.

What have you got to go for?

Um, I don't know. I'll just take whichever is smallest.

Plain ring, Beth?

Eh, no, I think I'll have a raspberry one.

I'm going to have a fudge one.

Oh, are you sure that's all yous want?

Yes, yes, that'll do us.

I mean, there's still tons.

Er, no, honestly, we're fine.

That's all they want.

I don't know what we're going to do with them all.

Is there anyone else that might want one?

Er... Oh, hi, Alan, son.

All right?

You all right?

I'm waiting on this boiling man coming to see about my hot water.

How much wrong with it?

Oh, it's fucking cold, that's what's wrong with it. Oh. Oh, no, I'd have a

or a shirt. It's thirsty.

It's like Glastonbury in there.

Anyway, what can I do you for?

You want a doughnut?

Oh, where'd you get this from?

I bought a box of them.

Michelle says there's too many.

Oh, are you sure?

Aye, go for it, aye.

Oh, I do love a wee doughnut with a cup of tea.

Aye, it's the bollocks, innit? Mm -hm. As long as you're sure you're not

yourself short.

Oh, Eric and Beth have chosen theirs and there's still quite a few left.

They got to choose theirs.

Right, that's me and Alan.

Tad's in.

I think we should just go and have a look at them.

Oh, hi, Christine.

Right, what's left?

Hi, Christine.

That's chocolate somewhere or other.

There's jam in that.

Is that cinnamon on top of that?

Aye, that's apple pie.

That's plain rings.

That's a raspberry.

That's a fudge sundae. That's your chocolate dreamies. That's your caramel

custard. That there is your white and chocolate cheesecake.

Just help yourself, Chrissie. Don't mind us.

What have you got?

Fudge sundae.

What about you, Beth?

Raspberry.

Right.

Is that everyone?

You couldn't give him a wee bit of kitchen oil, could you, Beth?

Awful sticky, aren't they? Oh, aye.

Hey, no as bad as a yum -yum, though.

Oh, you'd give Spider -Man a run for his money after one of them.

There you go.

Oh, bless you, Beth.

Bless you.

Right, that sounds all set.

How'd you end up with all these, Alan?

I just wanted something with a cup of tea.

No, a doughnut with a cup of tea.

Man's made in heaven, eh?

I'm just saying, a donut with a cup of tea, Beth, eh?

Mm -hm.

They go well together, don't they?

Right, is everyone wanting a cup of tea?

Aye, please, Beth. Aye, Beth.

That would be lovely.

Thanks,

Beth.

Shall we go to the inn then, darling?

I better watch my time. I've got a guy coming to look at my boiler.

Is that still not working?

Nope. What a pain.

You're telling me three days to get an engineer out?

Oh, now, lassie, we're experiencing a high volume of calls.

I said I'm experiencing a high volume of washes at the fucking sink.

You should have said.

You could have come over and had a bath or a shower at ours.

Oh, no.

I'm funny about getting undressed in other people's houses, Michelle.

You'll find that time you stay here.

I had no idea you were coming up those stairs, Eric.

Right, here we are.

Oh, it's magic, Beth. Cheers.

Here we go.

So... Come on.

Oh,

God.

Oh, hello.

Hi.

Sorry to bother you, we just moved in across the road and just wanted to pop

over and say a quick hello.

Right.

Of course.

Sorry, sorry.

I'm Iqbal. I'm Ash.

Hi, I'm Beth.

Lovely to meet you.

Do you want to come in?

Are you sure? We don't want to interrupt you.

Oh, nobody bothers about that round here. Come on in.

Come in, come in.

Thanks. Hiya. Oh, I didn't know you had people in.

Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

Everybody, this is Ash and Iqbal.

Hi. Hiya.

Hello.

They've just moved in across the road into the Grant's old house. Oh!

How are you doing?

Eric, pleased to meet you. Hi.

Oh,

I'm sorry, I've just been eating a wee donut.

It's my husband.

Right,

and this is Alan and Michelle.

They live a couple of doors up from you on the same side.

Hi there.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

I'm Michelle.

Hi. I'm on.

Sorry?

On.

Oh, OK.

And this is Christine.

Hello there.

I must apologise.

I'm in my dressing gown.

My boiler's in the blink.

Oh, God, that's annoying.

Three days I've been waiting on an engineer.

Oh, gosh, you poor thing.

It's not a bath I'm needing, it's a fucking sheep dip.

Have a seat, have a seat.

Thank you. Can I get you a tea or a coffee?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Ash? Oh, no, I've had my coffee already today.

There's donuts there, if you'd like one. Oh, no, thank you. No, thank you.

Are you sure?

Oh, no, honestly, we're fine.

So, when did you move in? Yesterday.

Oh, not long.

And how was the move?

Yeah, it was fine. Ash had everything labelled, didn't you? Yeah, we were

organised, so it all went quite smoothly.

Oh, that's good.

They say it's the most stressful thing you can do is move house, don't they?

Aye, aye.

You've never tried getting a pilot light going with a damp box of Swan Vestas?

It's a lovely house you've got.

Oh, it is a smashing house.

Was it the Grants that had the big Alsatian?

Aye, eh, Sheba.

Aye, Sheba.

Any smell of dog left in the house?

Not that we notice, no.

Beth, I'm really sorry to hassle you, but you don't have any whites or

do you? Oh, yes, sure.

Oh, sorry, could I have one as well, please?

You never had a doughnut?

Sorry? You never had one? How come you're sticky?

Oh, I... I shouldn't... Oh, that was me. Sorry about that. No, no, no, it was us

that interrupted your doughnut time.

This isn't a set thing we do. It was just a spur -of -the -moment thing. Alan

brought them in.

It's a family bundle.

You sure you don't want one?

No, honestly, we're fine.

I can highly recommend the caramel and custard, eh?

There was only one of them.

You snooze, you lose.

So, where have you moved from?

London. London? Oh, really?

You've been on a London Eye?

You know what?

Don't think I have, no.

So what's brought you up here?

Oh, well, it's after we came up on holiday last year. Oh, is that right?

Yeah, yeah. We didn't want to go abroad, so we were looking for somewhere in the

UK. Our friends had been up here and they really enjoyed it, so... Yeah, we

found this great little eco -lodge just near Fort William. We were absolutely

blown away, weren't we? Yeah, it was amazing.

Oh,

thank you.

Yeah, we went to some amazing beaches. We saw dolphins, otters.

Do you remember the stars that night? Oh, my God, it was incredible.

There was no light pollution, I thought. I mean, you could see everything.

Was there bats?

It was a really amazing experience.

Yeah. Best holiday we've had in our lives.

We're booked up for Turkey in October.

Oh, great, whereabouts?

Dunno. 400 for the week. That's about one bag, though.

Anyway, as soon as we got home, we just thought, what are we doing? Why are we

living in London?

Well, that's good for the shops.

You've been in Nighttown?

Alan.

So we put the flat on the market, sold it, and that's us.

That's terrific.

Yes, it is. Hope you'll be very happy here. And if there's anything you need

help you settle in and feel at home, you just let us know. Thank you, that's so

sweet. We might not be able to give you the weather, but we can give you a warm

welcome. Oh.

OK. He's too deaf now.

Oh, yeah.

Fucking fine.

All right, Colin.

See that for sale signs down across the road? Do you know how much they got for

it? I don't know, Colin. I mean, it's a dump compared to ours.

We've got the monoblock, the extension on the back and the bidet. They've got

that big, manky Alsatian room they play from.

That's ten grand off right away, Eric. Know what I mean? The new folk are

actually in with a cup of tea at the minute.

Oh, are they? Aye.

You want to come in?

Aye, I will.

It's only manners.

Aye. Come.

Is this the new kids in the block, is it? Welcome, welcome.

That's a beautiful house you've got yourself there.

Oh, thank you very much.

Apparently they cannae smell the dog.

What dog?

Big zebra.

Oh, aye, aye.

What came into you again?

Alsatian.

Alsatian, that's right.

I'd forgotten all about her.

Maybe when you hoover it, the hair will circulate again.

Hmm. Ash is it?

Uh, yes.

I'm Colin.

And you're?

Iqbal. Iqbal. Good to meet you. How much do you pay for that across there? Over.

Colin, I don't think you need to ask that.

Not true.

I'll look it up in Zoopla later on.

Colin lives just one along on this side.

Some of the ones that you guys have got, except theirs, would be valued a lot

higher.

They've moved here from London, Colin.

London? Really?

You got an Oyster card?

Yes. You cannae use it here.

What brought yous up here, then?

Oh, well, we came up for a holiday last year and really loved the place, so we

thought, why not move here?

You came on holiday here?

Oh, no, no, no. We were up near Fort William.

Oh. We rented an eco -lodge. Yeah.

Were you allowed to use Loro?

Beth.

Beth. You'd think they're maybe running away with something.

You know, like debt or store cards or that.

We did actually think about buying up there, but then we thought it might be a

bit too remote to actually live.

Well, we're very happy with where we ended up, aren't we? Yeah, it's great.

Is there much needing done to it?

No, the carpets need a fucking shampoo for a start.

We were going to put a new kitchen in.

Oh!

We both love cooking, but, I mean, there's no rush. We'll just get

settled in first.

Well, if you need a hand getting your bearings, just shout.

Mm -hm.

There's a big Morrison's up the top there, Ash.

Oh, right.

There used to be a wee local shop, but that's a wee new. Ah, they cannae

with the bigger stores, you see.

It was really just the paupers and the single fags that kept him going as long

as it did.

There's plenty of nice places to go for a walk, if you like, that kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds nice.

Ah, there's a wee lane at the end of the street and it takes you to a nice woody

bit. Oh, is there really?

Aye, oh, it's lovely.

I go up there to tip the oil out my fryer.

Well, there's Loch Lomond. I mean, that's not far.

Oh, it's gorgeous up there.

Yeah, we had friends who went camping up there. Oh, they said it was brilliant,

so we're definitely going to give that a try.

Aye, well, they've banned that now.

Oh, what?

Aye, too many people starting fires and leaving rubbish.

Aye, and taking dumps without digging a wee hole.

Just came back.

That's a shame. We were really looking forward to that, weren't we?

Well, you can definitely go for a day trip.

Aye, just watch where you're standing. You'll be fine.

You won't have to go far.

I mean, a couple of hours in the car from here, you'll hit some great wee

Well, that's why we chose it. We wanted somewhere that was close to work, but

somewhere that was handy for getting out to explore.

And what is it you do?

We work for the NHS.

Oh!

Respect. Oh, no, no, no.

No, respect to you, boss.

No, no, no, it's fine.

No, no, no.

No,

no, no.

No, no,

no. Heroes.

Two heroes.

We were all out climbing every Thursday, weren't we? I was out there with my pot

and a spoon.

I didn't do that.

We've got all the crews there, you know. They're very heavy.

What bed is it you work for?

Well, I'm a consultant in public health.

All right.

What's that?

Pain pusher, that one.

What about yourself?

I'm a doctor.

Oh! Oh, a doctor.

Do you do shoulders?

No, no, I'm in cardiology.

Cardiology, eh?

Here, Beth, you're all right if he takes a heart attack now. Just shout over the

road.

Here, Beth, can you hear that clicking when I do that on my shoulder?

That's quite specialist, isn't it?

Take you a while to qualify.

Yeah, seven years.

Seven years, wow.

Took me two to get my foot lift.

Is that seven years in medical school?

No, five and then two years as a junior doctor.

That's when we met.

Oh, was it?

Was she a nurse?

No. No, I was on secondment to a public health unit in the same hospital.

So did you not get good enough grades to be a doctor then?

Sorry?

It's all A's you need, isn't it?

I got a B in woodwork.

No, I just never wanted to go down that road, really.

I always quite fancied being a detective.

The hours junior doctors have to do are terrible, aren't they? I mean, what is

it, 70, 80 hours a week?

Yeah, I mean, the hours can be long and it is hard work, but you just have to

get through it.

Oh, but it must be very rewarding.

Oh, yeah, it really is. It really makes you feel like you're making a difference

in someone's life.

See, if you had stuck in, Ash, that could have been you.

What about A &E?

Do you ever walk there?

Oh, yeah, well, I mean, you have to, it's so part of your trading.

So, you'll have seen a lot of shoulders, then, eh?

Aye, you'll have seen more than shoulders, Christine.

You'll have seen all sorts in there, eh?

Can be quite fun, aren't you?

Have you ever seen an eye hanging out?

Alan.

Stabbing's a big one in there, isn't he? You've seen a lot of them?

I've seen a few.

If the knife's still in them, do yous leave it in, or do yous take it out?

You leave it in, Alan. You've got to leave it in to get the X -ray. I've seen

that in Holby. Do you ever watch Holby, Akbar?

No. Oh, you should. Maybe save yourself a couple of years' training.

What's the worst you've ever seen?

It's so long ago. We're more concerned nowadays we're trying to stop people

ending up in hospital in the first place. I mean, that's a lot of what I do

my job.

Yeah. The work that Ash is involved with is really key to the future of the NHS.

Aye, but A &E, I mean, that's the sharp end, is it not?

Yes, but... My mate's wife, Watson A &E, she said that one guy came in with a

courgette stuck up his arse.

A courgette?

How did he get up there?

He said he'd fallen backwards onto it when he was making the dinner.

Aye, that's what he says.

He'll have shoved it up there himself.

Oh, well.

That's one way of getting your five a day into you.

She also said... No.

She also said that one woman came in with a mobile phone up her... Front or

back? Front.

Oh, my God.

Christ, I cannae hear mine when it goes off in the other room. She'd have no

chance.

Christine, when's your oiler man coming?

I heard this one about this guy, right?

Turned up at the hospital, his jacket always zipped up, and a wee hoovering

wheel was trailing along beside him.

They got him in, examined him, they found his willy stuck in the hose of the

hoover. Oh, no!

Can you imagine?

I said to my wife, I wonder if it's one of these wee Henry ones.

That would have wiped the smell off its face.

Do you do shoulders, Ash?

Yeah, yeah, it's basically the same layout as this, yeah. We did talk about

knocking through the dining room at one time and making it open plan. Oh, yeah,

I think that's what we'll do.

We ripped out all our units on one side and put an island in. Oh, I like an

island in the kitchen.

Yeah.

Listen, Alan's in the building trade. If you ever need any work done, just give

us a shout.

Yeah, no, I'll have a chat with Iqbal.

Sorry, I did have one question.

Oh, yes?

What's the best gym to join here?

Oh, well, there's the leisure centre and that's got a pool, I know that.

Has it got a gym, though?

I think that's closed now. I think they had to close that.

Did they?

Yeah, remember they found that spy hole in the shower?

Oh, yes.

Were they not thinking about building one of those 24 -hour ones by the

No, that's not happening.

Oh. They couldn't get the planning permission.

That's a shame.

I wonder what they'll do with it.

There's going to be a drive -through at McDonald's.

It's awful, awful stiff when I get up in the morning.

What's your GP said about it?

Wee, my girl.

Christ, you could be sat there with your head under your arm and he'd still tell

you to take two paracetamol and dial 111.

Can you lift your arm up as high as you can?

All right.

Apologies if I'm kicking up a bit of a biff.

Once this boy was up and running, I'll be back to my usual standards.

And out to the side?

You ready? You got any WD -40?

Cheeky wee bastard.

Excuse me, Doctor.

You don't have to call me Doctor.

I'm not your Doctor.

Um, can you rotate your whole arm? Oh, right.

Oh, oh.

Do it with the other one. See if you take off.

I'll take your fucking head off.

Sorry, Doctor.

It's OK.

Um, I don't think there's anything to worry about, to be honest. It's probably

just some stiffness.

Ask your doctor if they can refer you to a physio. They might have some

stretches you can try.

Stretches? I mean, you don't want to just take painkillers forever.

No.

If I did, could you get me them?

What's happening here?

I was just having a look at Christine's shoulder.

Oh, he's got a lovely manner.

Lovely soft hands, ish.

I don't think that's very appropriate.

Did you get a look at her kitchen then, did you? I did, thank you.

Tiny, isn't it? You put a big extension at the back. Oh, that's what we're going

to do.

Are you?

Yeah. We're going to knock through to the dining room, then put big double

in so we can open up the whole house out to the garden.

Oh, you're quite keen gardeners, then?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't wait to get out there with my spade. Well, you'd better

watch where you're sticking it, because that Labrador that they had before Big

Sheba will be up the back somewhere.

Well, I think it sounds fantastic, Ash.

You're certainly going to be kept busy.

Yeah, plenty of time, though.

Kitchen first.

Well, if your kitchen's out of action, you'll no go hungry.

You're well -placed for takeaways round about here, aren't you?

It's good, aye?

Papa John's?

No.

Domino's? And there's a good Chinese as well. Do you like Chinese?

Well, um... The New City. That's tremendous.

Wait till you try the spare ribs.

There's never any spare when he's around.

We actually... Do you get any menus you could give them away with them, Beth?

Oh, I might do some where.

Well, see if you've got one for the happy friar.

Do you like chippy this?

Sorry, as in fish and chip shop? Yes, you'll never have tasted one like this

London. What's it like, Alan?

I actually prefer Marco's. What?

I do, aye.

I think his chips are better.

Thicker? Oh, don't fucking listen to him, he's talking pish. No, once you

experienced a haddock supper from the happy fryer, you'll wish you'd moved

years ago.

We don't really eat takeaways.

What?

We're not really big fans of takeaway food.

What do you do if you want a pizza?

We make one.

Eh?

We make our own.

Out of what?

OK, here's a couple for you.

There's the Chinese one and a couple of pizza places and a nice Indian, the

Shazni, and that's got a wee coupon on it that you're very welcome to.

Thanks.

So when do you start your new job, then?

Next week.

What is it you said you do again, Ash?

I'm a consultant in public health.

So what does that involve?

It's really just overseeing policy around health and well -being, looking

ways we can improve health outcomes within the population, looking at what

factors influence those outcomes, you know, like where you live and what you

eat. Now, that sounds very interesting.

Can you get painkillers, Ash?

Right, would anybody else like another cup of tea?

Oh, yes. Aye, go on.

Yes, please.

Bless you, Beth. Oh, she's an angel, that one.

I'll have one.

I tell you what, I'll be having one of these donuts and all.

It's a nice wee spread she's put on for you.

No, I brought them.

Did you?

Aye, she made me.

Oh, well, then. What's left?

One raspberry, one fudge sundae, two chocolate dreamies, an apple pie and two

plain rings.

Oh, that's tremendous.

What do you have, Eric? Fudge.

Who was it?

Delicious.

What about you, Michelle?

Apple pie.

I had the caramel and custard, but there was only one of them.

Aye, a wee limited edition.

Alan, what are you going for?

A bit of raspberry.

What about you guys?

Oh, no, we're fine, thank you. Oh, come on, a wee donut with a cup of tea.

No, thank you.

Why not?

Oh, come on, Ash. Aye, go on. Come on, Ash, why are you then?

No, I know it.

Well, they're full of sugar, they contain salt, they have God knows how

chemicals. They're deep -fried and full of saturated fat, so they're horrendous

for your heart, not to mention the links to obesity and raised cholesterol.

And there's also a lot of research that suggests that wheat, which of course is

what the dough itself is made of and which contains gluten, is a trigger for

lot of the autoimmune conditions that we're seeing more and more of these

So basically they're empty calories and they have no nutritional value and they

do actual harm to your physical health, which we as public health professionals

then have to deal with the effects of. So no, I won't have a donut. Thank you.

Christine?

Chocolate Jimmy, please.

What have you got?

A plain ring.

Is that all right?

It's tremendous.

That's beautiful.

He seems very nice.

Yeah, she's nice too.

I think they'll love it here. I really do. Once they get settled in.

I'll make that.

How's this? That might be your boiler, ma 'am.

Hello?

Finally!

Right, I'll be out in five minutes.

Eh? Cos I've been a fucking doughnut.