Original subtitles

Good evening, it's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to a 50 -year -old doctor who

claims that smoking takes years off your life.

He says that if he hadn't smoked when he was younger, he'd now be 63.

And we'll be talking to a Romford girl who took the pill, washed down with pond

water, and who was today diagnosed as three months stagnant.

Then we should be talking to the groundsman who used pansy seed instead

seed and queered his pitch.

But first, the news.

The Prime Minister announced today a new plan to ensure that we don't all

suddenly become poor when we reach 60.

He's going to make sure we're all poor when we reach 30.

Yes, this announcement came at the end of a very heated session of Parliament.

Then tempers cooled in the Commons bar.

Mr Wilson bought Mr Heath a pink gin.

he bought Mr Powell a black gin, and he bought Mr Wedgwood Ben a pint of

EvoStick.

The funeral took place today of Mr Spencer P.

Dobson, the famous compiler of crossword puzzles.

After a short service, he was buried six down and three across.

But now a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, a man who's so modest that when

published his autobiography recently, he wasn't even mentioned in it.

John Crabtree, you've got oodles to talk about. You two have got so much in

common. John, I'd like you to meet David Long.

Ah, how do you do?

You've really got so much in common.

Lovely woman.

I was just wondering... After you. No, after you.

I was just wondering what you do in life.

Well, actually, I'm a marketing executive.

Are you really?

So am I. Well, I... However, isn't that a strange coincidence?

Yes, it is.

Have you known our host this long?

About 12 years.

12 years.

About the same as me.

Rather a nice house.

Of course, not to my taste.

Nor mine.

I prefer something more elaborate.

Me too.

Did you know that the way their marriage is on the rocks?

I knew it wouldn't last.

Although, of course, I never did like him.

Rather a sort of non -person, if you ask me.

Peanut?

No, I try not to.

to watch the waste, you know.

Well, it's been awfully nice talking to you.

Must circulate.

What a boring man.

Really?

Oh, yes.

Ah, good evening.

We seem to be having a bit of trouble with the film tonight.

Apparently the machine has broken down, so I'm afraid we'll have to carry on

with the news without film.

Good evening. Here is the news.

Her Majesty the Queen left London today to spend a few weeks at Balmoral.

The royal party seemed in holiday mood. The Queen's corgis barked happily, and

Her Majesty waved to the large crowd.

In the House of Commons... Excuse me.

What?

What, who, me?

Me?

Do what?

What, you mean all of it?

All right, all right.

If you insist.

In the House of Commons today,

during discussions on the common market, the opposition accused the government

of cheating during their election campaign.

and a heated argument broke out between front benches on both sides.

You cheated.

You don't want to smash your face in.

You shut up, or I'll get Mrs Thatcher to smash your face in.

No news of one of the world's sex symbols.

Tom Jones flew into London Airport today.

He was piloting his own private

plane, stripped to the waist and wearing very tight trousers.

he made a remarkable three -point landing.

One of Britain's largest ball -bearing manufacturers, International Bearings

Limited, has announced that it's been forced to go into liquidation.

A spokesman for the... What?

Forced into what? Oh, I see.

Oh, I hadn't thought of that, yes.

Forced to go into liquidation.

It took quite some time.

How's that? Ice and lemon?

A spokesman for the firm blamed labour troubles.

We've had several strikes all at once, he claimed.

Also blamed was the loss of exports due to the government's decision to float

the pound.

Sport. Sport preparations are already underway for Cow's Week.

The annual sailing regatta.

Her Majesty the Queen is entering a brand new yacht in the race for the

time. The yacht has been specially designed for her by Norman Hartnell.

The trials took place... ..with matching accessories.

Trials took place last Monday, but were not completely successful.

And football?

Many matches were abandoned today as they were too wet.

I've just received an unexpected flash.

There was a hold -up at the National Provincial Bank in

Surbiton this afternoon.

A man rushed into the bank with a stocking over his head and attacked a

cashier.

helping the police with their inquiries, and several policemen are helping the

cashier on with her tights.

Finally, the world -famous acrobats of the Moscow State Circus arrived in this

country for a six -week tour.

Sure how pleased they were to be visiting Britain, they leapt in the air,

on each other's shoulders, and turned back somersaults and did the splits.

And the BBC

newsreader resigned after blowing a raspberry in front of 10 million

Once upon a summertime, if you recall,

we stopped beside a little flower stall. A bunch of

brats, forget -me -nots, was all you'd let me buy you.

Once upon a summertime, just like today.

are a happy afternoon away and stole a kiss in

every street cafe

Thank you.

Yes, I'm just off to Tyne.

Any chance of popping down to the Crine and dining one?

Well, no, I dite it, I dite it.

That doesn't sound like you, Brian.

Well, as a matter of fact, I wouldn't be seen in the Crine for a thousand pints.

Oh, really?

No, no. As a matter of fact, I was made to look rather inclined when I was there

before. I popped into the pub, you know, when I was eight.

As you know, it's the only pub round about.

And the whole place was full of sort of diner nights.

And lights. And, you know, all sort of shiting about.

You know, generally a sort of thick on the grind.

And then one rotten hind heard me order a round of drinks and started shiting

out about the way I sang.

The binders.

Mind you, I've always thought your voice was a bit dark bright. Yes. I've always

fined. Well, nevertheless, they all sort of cried it round me, which I was sort

of prined upon, and then one rotten hind bit me ten pines. I wouldn't go three

rinds with him.

I bet you didn't turn him dine.

You were far too pride.

Oh, yes, yes. I threw my jacket to the grind, and then they all laughed out

at me.

I got my braces on the wrong way round.

The binders. Yes.

Where are any women around?

Thousands and thousands, yes.

But I announced lightly that I'd show them a thing or two worth chafing about.

And did you? I'm afraid I did. My trousers fell down.

Higley and Charlie, on the trail of the dreaded clumsy drug, which was being

used to make fools out of public figures, had tracked the gang to

but had been lured into a trap at the notorious El Fatal Club, situated at

number 17, Rue de Remarque.

As they left, they were attacked by two thugs disguised as lady tourists and

taken by car to a lonely villa a few miles out of town.

There, Waiting for them stood the fascinating Madame Cocotte, widely

for her beauty and publicly known for unveiling things for charity.

But at the same time, she was secretly concerned with drugs, shifting

of amazing proportions.

At this moment, however, as she shifted her own amazingly proportioned

quantities towards the car, there was but one thought in her head.

Murder.

Welcome, gentlemen, to the Villa d 'Aton, my little country body.

Seat. Country seat.

It is quite, you know.

That's very nice, yes.

Shall we go in and sit down? We can be more comfortable.

Now go.

Get back to town.

And take off that terrible make -up and the clothes.

You don't get me.

You think I am foolish.

A poor, frail, unarmed girl to cope with two men.

But I am not unarmed.

My arms are on my legs.

only have to lift my legs and you are dead.

I do not intend to kill you

yet.

Your green sleeves will be my first victim.

Green sleeves?

But he's the head of your gang.

Not for much longer.

Bob Job and I are going to take over the business.

That little Japanese crook.

I like him.

I wouldn't trust him further than I can throw him.

Which is not as far as I'd like to.

I didn't say I trusted him. I like him.

I like old men who are shorter than I am.

I'll ask those two villains not to arrive until tomorrow.

I have a little unfinished business with you, shall I?

I've run out of jelly beans, if that's what you're after.

They are so sweet.

Oh, it may interest you to know that while you were searching the hotel for a

pair of panties on which was printed a map of the side out, you were completely

wasting your time.

Why? We found a pair with a map on them?

Yours they were.

Of course.

But they were a pair of big red herrings.

If not the pair I saw, I would have hardly covered a tiddler.

You are so foolish.

All the time you looked for him at the foamy lie itself was written on another

pair. Another pair?

Whose?

Mine.

The ones I hear wearing at his knee.

Come, let's go to my room.

We can be alone much more comfortably.

Good night, Monsieur Piggy.

See you later, Chief.

Hope you get a good night.

Yeah.

Not as good as you're going to get either.

Have a good day, Chief. My hands are tied.

We'll think of something.

Good night.

And so, as Charlie Farley lay upstairs with his conscience pricking him, Piggy

Malone suffered a similar sensation, but not in the same place.

Oh!

At

last

he was free.

Now... with the door bolted and barred from the outside.

There was nothing he could do but wait.

Good morning.

Did you manage to get everything?

Yes.

What did you manage?

I managed.

Yeah, I bet you did.

Where's Charlie?

He had locked him in the bedroom.

He's a little exhausted.

He's a little exhausted rat.

Upstairs were you pandering to his foibles?

And he down here sitting on me own?

It is there.

Don't make a sound.

Good morning, my dear.

I trust we're not too early for our appointment.

Not at all.

Especially yesterday, your appointment.

He's with your maker.

An excellent device, my dear. Double -barreled, I see.

Do you need any help?

A re -roading?

Yes, three bullets.

One here, another two in this one.

There's no time to lose.

I've got death at my passport.

And then come back and finish off this boy.

Stay and guard him.

And lock the door behind me.

What do you think of this one?

Come on, she's getting away.

She's still wearing those pants with the formula on. Oh, you've seen it? Not

half. But didn't you have it? No, it was too much to remember.

Oh, really?

I shall never forget it.

Our two intrepid detectives were on the horns of a dilemma as they chased the

bold, bad, beautiful Madame Cocotte.

At any moment, she may throw caution to the winds and her knickers out of the

window.

Or did she intend to sit tight on the information?

Don't miss next week, the final gripping installment, Double Exposure.

And so I came to see him and little of the world.

And there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my

eyes, struggling by pain with his feet, begging by life

with his words,

killing me softly with his tongue, killing me softly.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now here is a very funny story about a chap who turns up at a golf

course. By the way, I may cry a little when I'm telling this joke.

Take no notice, you know, and enjoy yourselves.

Perhaps I should explain that I have recently had to give up golf for health

reasons.

My wife is going to kill me.

You see, for some time now, for some time now, she's had this ridiculous idea

that I spend so much time playing golf that I'm losing touch with her.

and our two or three children.

Little what's -her -name and the other one.

Actually, it all came to a head at about 11 .30 last night.

She suddenly shouted at me.

Golf, golf, golf, she said. All you ever think about, she said, is bloody golf.

And I'll be... Honest. I mean, it frightened the life out of me.

I mean, you don't expect to meet somebody on the 14th green at that time

night.

Perhaps sing the putting. As you know, it's not too hot. Anyway, honestly,

honestly, the way... We shan't dwell on that. Anyway, honestly, the way she

carried on, you would think that I was golf mad.

You know, for instance, there's her rather... you know, unfair attitude

my life -size inflatable Arnold Palmer.

No, she... No, no, she don't... No, no, be honest. She doesn't stick a pin in

it. No, she doesn't do that.

She used to wait till I was asleep and push it out of bed.

Now, she's even knocked down my little pile of stones in the corner of the

garden where I had my vision of Lee Trevino.

That's another thing. I mean, when I play golf, I mean, I'm so much

you know. Of course, I still take a few little pills in the morning when I'm,

you know, not at my best. I mean, you know, let me see. I take a couple of red

ones to get me to the bathroom.

And a green one to make it worthwhile when I get there.

And a white one to offset the side effects of the green one.

A little blue one to give me the nerve to get across the main road without

knocked over.

And a couple of black ones so that if I do get knocked over, I'm going to enjoy

it.

Anyway, that's by the by.

This chap, back to the story, this chap joins a golf club, you see. And on his

first game, he tees up and he takes out, you know, a piece of 4x2 out of his

bag. And he whacks the ball straight down the fairway. And his second shot,

plays brilliantly onto the green with an old hockey stick.

Lenny thinks a 25 -foot putt with a piece of rusty gas pipe, blindfolded

whistling the Alleluia Chorus.

For which, incidentally, my father wrote all the words.

Well, not all of them, you know, some of them.

The best ones.

However, his opponent, back to the golf match, his opponent, upon observing, not

unnaturally becomes full of alarm and despondency.

and a lot of other big words, and he can't believe his eyes.

I can't believe my eyes, he says.

There, I told you you couldn't.

And the other members are equally amazed. Bless my soul, they say, and

that, and smash his face in.

I don't know why they said that, you know, but they did.

Anyway, this chap gets round in this manner, easily winning the game, you

by about five and six.

Anyway. His opponent, who'd recently paid £100 for a new set of match golf

clubs, said to him, look, he said, I'm going back to the clubhouse to cut my

throat. Can I buy you a drink?

To which he replies, thank you kindly. And he sets off to the clubhouse, you

see. Now, I'll bet you're all wondering what's going to happen next.

I am, because I've forgotten the ending.

No, no, I haven't, no, I haven't. When they get to the clubhouse, you see, he

asks for a large whiskey.

He juggles two pieces of ice and heads them, one at a time, into the glass,

followed by a squirt of soda from 14 yards away without touching the sides.

Well, the captain of the golf club, Mr. Montgomery, the captain of the golf club

approached him and said, Excuse me, old chap. Very nice man, you know.

Eaton, Cambridge, the guards and new faces.

He said, We couldn't help noticing the unorthodox manner in which you conduct

yourself. Everything you do, you do in the most roundabout way. So the hero

said, well, the answer is, you see, he said, you see, I'm so incredibly good at

everything that unless I make everything difficult as possible, I get bored to

death. The other chap said, do you mind if I ask a very, very personal question?

The chap says, I know what you're going to ask, you

naughty, naughty man.

And the answer is standing up in a hammock.

Just like a donkey braying, I don't think she'll be staying.

Her thumb is moving south, she works for rent

-a -mouth.

She looked a bit like Flo, that's a horse I used to know.

This old man came rolling home. Her old man, next to you, needs a damn

good talking to.

Now she's in the club. He's off boozing down the pub.

My old man, he plays hell after all the girls as well.

Knick -knack, paddywhack, give him half a chance. He'd leave me a right old

dance. My old man's just as bad.

himself the proper lad.

Knick -knack, paddy -whack, lock him in the roo. That soon cools his how -do

-do.

Her old man, he's the same. He's in love with what's -her -name.

Big Jaws, Droopy Draw, Tanning at the end. Known to all as man's best friend.

This old man, he'd take nine.

He's as bad as yours or mine.

Dick, Jack, Harry, Matt, Trevor, Doug or Mike.

Her mother won't say. Saturday she packed and went away.

Dennis Grove, Dennis Grove across the way. He went away on Saturday.

Now wait, I know what you're going to say.

Perhaps he went on holiday.

Yes, and Cynthia met him halfway.

That's not like Cynthia at all. She's not the sort of girl to muck about.

You're joking.

Stop the scene and stop and take a bloke in. Oh, Elsie, he'll really have to

urge her because her father is a verger and her mother is a vegetarian.

They're trapped, young cow.

Now, now, now. Now, now, now.

Now, now, now. It'll turn out right, you'll see.

Oh, very well.

But time will tell.

You are just as bad as me. You are always putting two and two together and

making three.

Mimps the chairman's hobo.

Just remember what I say. Come what may, she'll be in the family way. One fine

day, that's why she's gone away.

We've got a new milkman.

His skin is like silkman. His band's full of goodies he brings round to sell.

He's full of surprises.

He's got eggs of both sizes.

And for our cream and full cream and whipped cream as well.

But he's leaving next Sunday and he starts work on Monday at the new fish

chip shop just down by the green.

But I still drool with hunger at my fancy fishmonger. He's got cockles and

muscles like you've never seen.

They're alive, alive, oh.

Alive, alive, oh.

Oh, no doubt about it. They're alive, alive, oh.

Oh, dear, what can the matter be? I went to the hairdresser's Saturday.

We sat like hens in a battery while the young men did our hair.

The first one to do me his name, it was Michael. He wanted to give me a ride on

his cycle. As much as I'd like a good cycle with Michael, I don't trust his

crossbar, so there.

The second one, he was a Welsh boy called Billy. He wanted to show me the

hills of Caerphilly. I wouldn't trust Billy beyond Piccadilly. There's no

mountain climbing up there.

Manager thought that he'd just keep his hand in. He promised to show me his flat

on the landing. But when we got there, it was nothing outstanding.

In fact, quite a pokey affair.

Oh, dear, I'm not Saturday. No good responding to flattery. That won't

recharge your battery. I'll do my own bloody hair.

Manny at the end, you do the dance. Hurry up and tell me what, what, what.

Someone laced the punch with brandy and she never stood a chance.

Drunk she got, silly cloth.

Lost an earring in a fight. That's not all she lost that night. A policeman, so

they say, found her knickers a mile away.

I've got to go and cook a flan. My husband Keith has lost his teeth. He

them down the pan.

I'll speak to Anne. Her husband Dan's a sanitary man.

You never know where they may turn up.

Well, that's all we have time for this week. Next week we'll talk to a man...

Next week we'll talk to a man who crossed a table tennis ball with an

extremely tall chamber pot and got a ping -pong piddlehypo.

And

we've

just been told...

The police are desperately seeking the man who steals the ends of news items.

The man is described as tall and grey -haired with a very big.

And we've also heard that in Hounslow this evening, a mad dog bit an income

tax inspector.

After being given injections and treatment for shock, the dog has been

to go home.

And in the divorce court today, an 85 -year -old farmer divorced his 17 -year

-old wife because he couldn't keep his hands off her.

He's now sacked all his hands and bought a combine harvester.

That's all we've got time for this evening, so it's goodnight from me. And

goodnight from him. Goodnight. Goodnight.