Original subtitles

Hello again. It's nice to be with you, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And in a

packed programme tonight, we shall be talking to three French film directors,

Jacques Tati, Jacques Scruffy, and Jacques Absolutely Falling to Pieces.

And we'll be demonstrating the very latest brassiere.

It's called the Sheepdog.

It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

Then we'll be talking to Mr Herbert Gudge, who has tattooed the whole of his

body with old masters.

He has a Botticelli on his chest, a Constable under each arm, a Watto down

back and a Whistler up the front, and the inscrutable smile of the Mona Lisa

becomes a broad grin whenever he sits down.

But here first is the news. First, the economy.

The true state of the country's finances were revealed today when the Bank of

England announced a closing down sale.

And the pound had another very bad day, closing at only 2 .4

against the Matabele Gumbo Bee.

But the Prime Minister said today that the state of the economy was in no way

connected with the arrest this morning on Dover Beach of a large group of

illegal immigrants who were trying to leave the country.

Foreign news.

In Kampala this evening, at a farewell dinner, General Amin toasted the British

delegation. He then sautéed the French delegation with a few unknowns.

At the end of the world's longest -running strike, President Thadat... has

announced that work on the pyramids will be resumed tomorrow.

And here is a message from the Royal Society for Prevention of Accidents.

most accidents occur in the home, they advise you to move.

And we've just heard of another business merger.

Achilles cleaning powders have joined up with the Scottish distilleries to

produce a cleaner that kills 99 % of all known germs.

and makes the other one too drunk to bother.

And now, a sketch featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, who every Sunday tosses a coin

see whether he'll go to church or play golf.

Sometimes it takes as many as 20 toss -ups before he gets it right.

All right, all right, no need to wear out the bell push.

You don't see great thumbs all over it?

Hello. Hello. Come in. Step over the carpet, please. It's new.

Oh.

I hope I'm not too late for the party, am I? Oh, no, not at all. Oh.

Oh, dear. Am I too early? Oh, no. Come in. Enjoy the fun. It's all in full

swing. Oh, is it?

Not many people seem to arrive, do they?

Oh, I don't know.

Better turn out than last year.

In the old days, sometimes you used to have as many as two or three people all

in here in one evening.

An orgy.

Switch that off. Save the battery.

Now, what's it going to be? What are you going to have?

I've got some water.

Do you want something a little stronger? I've got some melted ice.

No, I'll plump the water, thank you.

Say when.

When? Would you like something to perhaps go with it?

Oh, yes, that would be lovely. If you've got some gin or some brandy or

something to eke it out of it, it would be nice, yes.

No, I haven't. I mean, I thought you were going to bring a bottle.

What? I mean, well, it's a bottle party. Oh, I didn't know that. No, I'm awfully

sorry. No, well, I'll just have a dash of water with it, thank you. All right.

Don't want to drown it, do we?

There we are. Have a look at myself, then.

There we are.

That's it.

Cheers. Have I put hairs on your chest?

Cheers.

I'm... It's a little embarrassing, this. I'm afraid I've forgotten your name.

It's not easy remembering everybody's name at a party.

Wilfred. Wilfred, Wilfred.

Wilfred, I hope you don't think I'm being sort of awkward, but you're rather

wearing out the chair. Could you...

Half -thoughtless of me. Also sorry.

Now, what about some solid refreshment, eh? Oh, I haven't eaten a thing all day.

How wonderful. Oh, I say, doesn't that look marvellous?

Oh, gosh.

Now, what can I have?

Oh, I think I'll... Oh, I don't know.

I think I'll have one of those there.

Lovely. Thank you.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Nice, is it?

Yeah, yeah. It's a... It's a... It's a... It's made of wood, isn't it?

Yes, yes.

are. I use the same ones every year, you know.

It may seem a bit of a fad, but I don't eat an awful lot of wood, you know.

They're not all made of wood. Oh, I see.

It'd be a very funny party if all the food was made of wood.

No, there is one vol -au -vent that's real.

But I've hidden it. Oh, I see.

Well, we'll play spot the vol -au -vent, shall we?

I can go and sit in a cupboard all on my own and play sardine.

Oh, it is going to be a nice party. Let me top you up. Come on. Oh, no, no, no.

I'm driving. You really must be.

There we are.

That's a little one, then. That's it. I've just fettened it up for you. Thank

you. I don't wish to... No, I'd rather you did... Wilfred, would you mind?

This is a new carpet.

Yes. Do you think you could stand on one leg, perhaps?

Certainly, which leg would you like me to stand on? Oh, I don't. I mean, it is

party, aren't we? Oh, good.

I'll stand on the right one, then. Thank you.

I don't wish to appear churlish, but aren't you using all your legs?

You're right. Got me there.

Oh, I see. That's nice.

I like your empty frame.

Yes, it's an original, you know. Oh, is it? Yes.

Oh, well, that's original.

Look, try one of these.

Oh, thank you.

They would as well. Oh, I see, you mean put them on the head, yes.

Oh,

yes, well, that's a bit more like it, isn't it? Yes. It's a good party, isn't

it? Oh, yes, yes. Better than the local hop, isn't it?

What time are these?

Oh, they're nice, yes.

Oh, gosh, yes. I say, the frost is melting on your radiators. Have you

Do you know it's the first time it's... It's the first time it's done that this

year. Do you realise that?

You're making this party go with the swing, you know. Oh, it's very nice of

to say that.

You are the life and soul of the party. Oh, thank you very much.

Wilfred, do you think I could have the invitation back so that I could use it

again next year?

Funny you should say that, because I haven't got one. I'm a gatecrusher.

Absolute little worm abusing my hospitality. Get out at once. How dare

in here. A bit of fun. A bit of fun. Mind the mat. It's noon. Now get out.

don't tread on too many of the stairs.

Yes, things are coming to a pretty pass.

I think he can barge in here every year he likes, just because he's my brother.

special edition of Stars at Night.

I'm sorry to have to inflict myself on you like this, but Patrick couldn't be

here tonight, so he asked me to step into his shoes.

And why not? He's always wearing my suits.

So here I am, and he asked me to apologise to you for not being here, but

to go and show his telescope to the local town's women's guild.

If they like it, they're going to knit him a cover for it.

Then tonight he's going to the Palladium for a night of a thousand stars.

Apparently they're one short. He's going to help them look for it.

And what he'll do after that, well, we just don't know.

Because, of course, he never goes to bed at night. That's where his day's work

starts. Only when dawn breaks does he put away his slide rule and relax.

Of course, he likes a bit of fun afterwards, just like anyone else.

time I've seen him put on his dinner jacket and go out and dance till

This, of course, has its advantages. He never has trouble with last buses, and

no -one can accuse him of staggering home with a moment, which is just as

as a very gossipy neighbourhood.

However...

I digress, as my very good friend Frank Atfield would say. The reason Patrick

asked me to come here tonight, apart from not wanting to lose a fee, was that

tonight, and tonight only, whizzing across our sky, you will be able to see

celebrated Bailey's Comet. Now, this comet appears once, only once in every

years, so not many of us have actually seen it before.

So, in all parts of Britain, it will be visible to the naked observer.

So, uh... So, a trip...

garden should be well worth it, if only to look over the fence at the woman next

door.

Now, this comet passes very, very, very close to the moon. How close, we just

don't know.

But I would like, if I may, to show you a diagram of what is liable to happen.

Oh, thank you, Sandra. Now, here you see we have the surface of the moon there,

like that, like that, and then, of course, we have the stratosphere here,

this. Now, um...

Under here, you see, there's a famous sea of tranquility here, and there's a

mountain here known as the height of absurdity, and, of course, there are two

craters here known as the depths of depravity. Now, the last moonshot, the

moonshot orbited here.

There was an orbit just like that. But, you see, Bailey's Comet will pass even

closer to the moon there and will be orbited there, you see, so it should be

quite a splendid sight. Of course, that's sideways on. Would you put it up

right way, sir? What we'll see is more like that, you see.

heavenly body not to be missed. Now, a word about next week. Off you go,

Put some clothes on. That's the idea.

Now, next week, Patrick himself hopes to be back with you when, owing to a great

number of requests, he's going to devote the whole programme to asteroids and

how to deal with them.

Which should be a boon to all fellow sufferers.

If you have any questions to ask Patrick, postcards only, please. And if

have any to ask Sandra, put them in a sealed envelope as we have a filthy

-minded postman. Good night.

Events in the clumsy drug case have taken a turn for the worse.

Our two dauntless detectives, hopelessly duped by international villains in

Marseilles, were now studying a piece of false evidence planted on them by the

beautiful Madame Cocotte.

A map drawn on a pair of her own briefs.

And Piggy and Charlie were even now desperately trying to grasp what was

them.

You run through the mountains, you curve to the right, then it's a straight run

down to the village.

Yeah, it looks simple enough, yeah.

But I'm just not sure. I get this odd feeling.

Well, of course you get an odd feeling looking at a map and a pair of knickers.

Look, never mind that.

You'll have to go and talk to her.

Who, me?

Yeah.

Get to know her.

Worm your way into her affections.

Get her to slip into something a little more comfortable.

Find out if she is straight underneath it all.

What,

you mean all that could be a false front?

Why not?

Looked pretty real to me.

Listen, we've got to know.

I mean, after all, she was seen with those two shady -looking characters,

she? The big fat one and the little one.

All right, then, Chief, I'll try.

It is in the course of duty.

Of course it is, yeah.

I mean, in this game, either you're on the job or you're not.

Right.

Chief, what will you be doing?

Don't worry about me.

I've got other fish to fry.

Good evening.

Is there any way I can be of service?

Yes. I want you to look at my plug.

Are you having trouble?

Yes, well, every time the man next door pulls the plug, my toilet flushes.

It can be a little unnerving when you're not expecting it.

I'm sure it can be.

But I'm sorry, nothing can be done until the morning.

But perhaps...

I can offer you a little champagne.

By way of consolation.

Well, I... I wouldn't open a bottle specially for me.

No, no.

In the old way there, I keep it on ice all day.

Ready for a nice gentleman like you.

Oh, who's that?

The gentleman who's like me.

I mean you, Shirley.

Oh.

Thank you. I must say...

I think you are very cute.

Why don't you take off your coat?

Well, I... Oh, dear. I hope... Thank you. Just that. I hope I'm not

you. Well, only a little.

Perhaps a little more.

And now you have taken off your coat.

I'll just go and hang it up. No, no.

No, no. The walk will do me good.

Don't mind me removing my stockings.

My legs, they are too hot.

Ah, yes, like footballers.

Well,

they roll their stockings down, don't they?

Not usually this early in the game, though.

Oh, you say such strange things, Shireen.

Come here.

I, uh... Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?

The only thing which is more comfortable than this is nothing.

Nothing would suit me better.

Kiss me.

Would you, uh... I'd like you to accept something from me.

Of course, darling.

Now. Will you...

Will you have a jelly bean?

You mean to say you didn't discover anything about her at all?

Well, I'll tell you one thing, Chief. She's hot stuff.

My jelly bean's melted.

Well, it doesn't matter now, anyway. I've got another idea.

While you've been out enjoying yourself, I've been sitting here thinking.

Oh, yes?

You think too much, you know.

You're overweight as it is.

That Polaroid you took of the two villains.

Yes, it is.

Evil -looking pair, aren't they, eh?

Right, now, tomorrow night is the hotel fancy -dress dance, right? Tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah. It's the perfect opportunity. If we disguise ourselves as

villains, we can talk to Madame Cocotte as they would.

Her defences will be completely down.

They won't, you know.

She's going as Bo to see her.

Don't worry.

Whatever defenses she puts up, we'll penetrate them.

We'll just go in there and fight dirty.

Like Lee Marvin.

I mean, we can't be as dirty as that great big fat sinister slob in the dark

glasses and that evil little oriental runt.

Absolutely, Chief.

So it's disguised, right?

Yeah.

Which one do you want me to be?

as the guests of the Hotel Metropole danced the night away, our muddle

heroes set about disguising themselves as the two rascally villains, making use

of all the limited facilities at their disposal.

And all in all, they made a pretty bad job of it.

I don't see a bloody thing in these.

Oh, uh, there it is. I smoked them over a candy. Ah, by a sticky tape.

Cut into strips.

Oh, that's a good idea, isn't it? Well, the trouble is it's a bit sticky in the

inside, you know. I'm frightened to blink in case my eyes jam.

Bonsoir, Mr.

Greensleeves. It is an honor.

Where is Miriam Cockhart, Billy? I was expecting her here.

Have you seen her?

I forget. I've only just arrived, you see.

Probably in her loom, lighting a few litters. Even alive, you never fear.

There's nothing she likes more than a bit of levelling.

I don't know, make the nut -toggling and loose up the whole village.

Oh, there you are. There is she.

It is me.

No fancy dress?

In my time of life, one becomes too scared in one's ways to try and be

else. I prefer to keep my energies for other things.

In that case, why don't you join Miss Ginsberg over there? She'll dress

perfectly in balloons.

Oh, really?

Oh, she's feeling a little lonely. No one can get near her.

Oh, well, I'm willing to have a try.

Anyone got a pen?

What are they up to?

I'm not sure, Mr.

Greensleeves, but I don't like the look of it.

Neither do I.

It might be a trap.

Stick close together and head for the French windows.

pathetic attempts at impersonation, two waiters of uncertain origin prepare to

serve the speciality of the house, a double dose of the deadly clumsy drug.

There.

You see, one double dose injected into this noble example of the convection's

art, and the drug will permeate all parts, permanently paralyzing any person

is permitted to partake of a portion. Precisely.

One piece and poof.

They become as clumsy as a bull in a knocking shop.

China shop.

What? China, China.

Yes, any part of the world, whatsoever.

It doesn't matter.

So once more, a sinister net is cast that may land our heroes in trouble.

Will Piggy refuse a piece of cake?

Has he ever refused a piece of cake?

And what of Madame Cocotte?

Will she offer Charlie a bit?

And what will happen to Miss Ginsburg when the balloon goes up?

Don't miss next week's enthralling episode, The Biter Bit.

They want some ballet dancers down at the Royal.

Anything for a bricklayer?

Thank you. Thank you, Michel Legrand. Now, that is rather a coincidence, I'll

honest, because I was going to sing that number myself tonight.

But I didn't get the chance to rehearse with the orchestra because this place

was locked up during the day and we got thrown out of the bus shelter.

Now, that takes a bit of believing, doesn't it? I mean, you know, the

centre locked up all day and a 40 -piece orchestra rehearsing in the bus

shelter. Anybody else?

Anybody else looking for an excuse would simply say laryngitis.

Me, I have to tell the truth.

Anyway, it was not my idea to sing in the first place. Actually, Ronnie

Hazlehurst, now he is the director of music for the whole of the BBC and a

very, very important man he is around here.

He's not here at the moment. I've asked him to go and get me some sandwiches.

He said, Ron, he said, I'd like to hear you sing.

Well, actually, you'd like to hear anybody sing. It's just they're supposed

be.

I met him in the bar.

I met him in the bar just before the show. I'd gone up there to help them

the producer.

Anyway, Ronnie Hazlehurst was there. I said, hello, Ron, how are you? He said,

all right, bloody big mouth, keep it down.

A sad loss to the diplomatic service when he left.

I said, I'm sorry, but I always shout on account of you being a little bit

mutton Jeff.

He said, not anymore. He said, look at this.

This is the smallest, most fantastic hearing aid in the world. He said,

Japanese, no wires, no battery, nothing.

Absolutely transistorized, guaranteed unbreakable and invisible.

I said, that's marvelous. I said, how does it work? He said, it's about a

quarter to eight.

Anyway, as I'm not... Doing my solo, as a matter of interest, by the way, I

heard today that my records have become very, very popular in Yugoslavia, where

they happen to fit the parking meters.

So I'm not going to say... Anyway, I've lost the mood now. I've lost the mood.

Lost the mood.

You know what it's like when you lose the mood?

Might as well get up and make a cup of tea.

I've lost the mood. I am going to tell you... I'm going to tell you

a joke.

I'm going to tell you a joke that my agent sold to me.

It's about this very mean Scotsman.

Now, which is rather a coincidence because I'm Scottish and he's meanish.

He said, listen to this, Ron, he said. Listen to this. He looked at me like

over his glasses. He always does that.

Always looks over his glasses like that.

You've got a theory that it says wear and tear on the lens.

We were actually at a party at his house at the time, you know, and we were

waiting for the food to arrive from Meals on Wheels.

This was an unforgettable evening. We danced the night away to his father

whistling the best of Ronnie Ronald.

At the end of the evening, we all lined up at the fairy grotto to see Father

Christmas. You gave him 50p and you got your coat back.

I really, I really, I really should be a bit careful what I say about agents,

and him in particular, because theatrical agents have some funny ways

their own back.

How do you think these people get on new faces?

Incidentally, that party was rather a special occasion.

It was the anniversary of his silver divorce.

Apparently it was one of those post -war marriages, you know. She was a German

girl he met during the war when he was negotiating the sale of his trench.

Their trouble was that they could never agree how to bring up the children.

He wanted them to go into show business and she wanted them to attack Poland.

a compromise and they marched into loo grade anyway here is this joke

an old scotsman and his wife are at the local air display you see in their

holidays and this scotsman says to a pilot of a small airplane he says the

of me you know she said we've never been up one of these things and it's her

birthday so i thought i'd give her a special treat said how much would you

charge to take me up in the air in your airplane you see the pilot said well

it'll be five pounds each so the scotsman gets very upset and accuses

taking the porridge out of the mouths of poor people.

Which is a pretty sickening thought, so we sure won't do it.

And in the end, the pilot said, all right, he said, I'll tell you what I'll

He said, I'll take you up if you don't say, if you promise not to say a whole

word during the flight.

If you say that, if you don't say a word, you won't have to pay me. One

said, and you pay. All right, so the Scotsman and the wife get in the

you see.

The plane takes off and the pilot thinks to himself, I'll make them talk if it

kills me.

So he starts. He does ten minutes of stunt flying, loops and rolls and upside

down, feather, stall turns, the lot.

And when they land, the pilot says, he said, well, Jock, he said, I've got to

hand it to you. He said, ten minutes of my best stunt flying and you didn't say

a word.

The Scotsman said, no. He said, mind you, he said, I was sorely tempted when

wife fell out.

Evening, Jack, and how are you?

Fine, how's yourself?

Don't ask me.

Maybe put me on a diet. She says if me tongue gets

bigger, it'll be too fat to reach the drum. Jack.

And lots of other things as well.

Tell me, how's your love life, Jack?

Full of the joys of spring, mate.

Is it still that six -foot brunette? The one with the enormous...

Her name is Mary Jane She works at

the mattress factory She says that life like a bed is what you make it

As long as you take it lying...

I got it from the stores Isn't it a little one? I think it must be yours I

got a big one I'm quite sure of that

Drink meself. They should put beer on the national elf.

You'd see a different show tonight.

The band would get hissed and Mozart would list your...

As we both finish here, why don't we have a meal round the Chinese?

Or else I should go off me nut, cos me stomach thinks me throat's been cut.

I'd much rather go round the pub to refloat my kidney that is

aching. I don't want to feel awkward.

space that I've reserved to pour some drink in.

Ain't it a pity the pubs in the city all close at half past ten.

If I had the power they'd close for an hour and open up again.

I could get tonic and vodka and tonic till any time I like. And while the

policeman watched me car and nip home on his bike.

and enormous lumps of fried bread, fish, chopped chips, and steak and kidney

pies by a girl who likes cookie news, big and good -looking, whose dumplings

double the size.

Any three of the gladiators?

See you at the stage door straight after the show.

Yeah, hurry up. The Chinese shut to the 11, you know.

Oh, I've been hardly waiting.

Prawn chops, do we, and a chicken fritter.

Spiced potatoes.

Hurry up, Phyllis, when he's beaten by the eighters. Two dry sherrys and a half

a shandy. I'll run amok. Two crispy ducks. Wish you the best of luck.

Oh, but he's drunk so much he can hardly stand.

I have got a rather similar occasion plan.

So...

Well, that's all for this week. On next week's programme, a sultan with 365

wives explains why he looks forward to leap year.

We'll have with us Mr Dudley Wilford, who yesterday on his 100th birthday was

arrested for chasing 23 young women at an athletics meeting.

He received a summons from the court and a telegram of congratulations from the

Queen.

And we'll continue our investigations into the political beliefs of nudists.

We've already noticed a definite swing to the left.

And we'll interview an expert in animal husbandry who crossed a hen with a banjo

and got a chicken that plucks itself.

And a sporting man who crossed a tin of baked beans with two cricket bats and

got wind in the willows.

And a scientist who crossed a lady's hairpiece with a tomcat and a duck and

a Platteville duckypoose.

And finally, the Oxford butcher who crossed a turkey with an octopus so that

boat crew could all have a leg each.

But... Here is the latest news on the hunger strike by

Liberal MP Cyril Smith.

He is now...

in his second week without food, and doctors have warned that his condition

could become critical within 17 years.

So, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.