Original subtitles

Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed programme tonight, we shall be hearing about a new diet of cenopods

and garlic from a man who's already lost 12 pounds and all his friends.

And we'll have with us a man who is so superstitious he got stuck in a lift

13 strippers and he pressed the alarm button.

But first... But first, the news.

After weeks of speculation, Death Watch Beetle has been confirmed in Canterbury

Cathedral. During the ceremony, the Archbishop also confirmed three mice,

bats and a spider.

Due to heavy fog in central London, Susan Hampshire, who's playing Peter

couldn't land at the Coliseum and had to be diverted to Manchester Opera House.

The Ministry of Defence have announced new pay scales for the army, heavily

favouring the NCOs.

Said a new recruit, it's all very well for the sergeants and the corporals, but

it's a nasty blow to the privates.

Angela Wainwright, the station announcer at Victoria, today married engine

driver Dick Crankshaw.

Her dress was a white organdy with lace bodice, and her train was 20 minutes

late.

In the Magic Circle golf tournament this afternoon, the great Misto paused at

the 13th hole and turned his golf ball into a toad.

Afterwards, he got a toad in the hole and won.

And we've just heard that a cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the

Kingston Bypass.

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

In the sketch that follows...

I shall be practising for the ice -dead foot, and I shall be practising for the

loose -dead foot.

Good day, Inspector Jay.

Morning, Dawning. Any news of the girder murder?

Yes, sir. He was shot in ox -shot by bag -shot with a slingshot full of book

-shot.

He's not shot in bag -shot.

Well, you must be pleased that situation's eased. The relief is beyond

Chief. In my mind, this one's for a blank, and I've only got you to thank.

right, all right. This is the fawning dawning.

I'm glad to hear your head is clear. It needs more space for the Mrs May's case

to take its place.

The Mrs May's case, have they traced the face? No, and what's more, the

nightness is still missing, too.

Ah, is she sure which nightness she was wearing? She's not mistaken which was

taken. How come, little chum?

Well...

A voluptuous Mrs. Mace, each of her night dresses are equally attractively

seductive or seductively attractive.

Whatever she wore, she would always be a bountiful, beautiful nightie for.

I've heard she's a grand lady to have as a landlady. I've been told her teapot's

never cold.

I would be delighted to be selected to inspect her, Inspector. Any prospect of

any suspect? Yes, three. Two of them are actors who lodge with Grace, Mrs Mace,

at her place in the chase.

One is Leo Mighty, a leading man well known for his portrayal of farmers,

charmers and men in pyjamas.

The other one is Roger Manger, the stage manager who once played a mad stranger

in a film with Stuart Granger called Deadly Danger.

May I add another to the list if I am not being bumptious or presumptuous?

Sergeant Bodger. Bodger? The replacement constable from Dunstable. You must be

mad, lad.

Just a theory, dearie.

May I sit down? Please make yourself comfrey, Humphrey.

It's just that Sergeant Bodger has a face like a fit, which happens to fit

face on the photo fit in the first place, and is often to be found round at

place in the chase, filling his face with fried fish.

Fried fish?

Fried by Grace, Mrs. Mace, mostly place or days.

But surely Leo Mighty is much more likely. I mean, he's there nightly.

looked very flighty in her nightie. It'd be the sort of toffee trying to pull it

up.

Possibly, but here is something you don't know. I don't know. I have heard

with Roger.

Roger? The lodger. Oh, Roger Manger, who played the stranger with Granger. He

says he saw Leo taking the night rest. He was staring through the keyhole in

Mrs. Mace's door.

What? He dared to stare through there? Would he swear he saw Leo Mighty take

nightie? He'll do plenty of swearing. No wonder he was staring. It was the night

dress she was wearing.

What? Surely not.

He jumped on the bed and pulled it over her head. She went red, so he fled. And

he hid himself in the shed and wished he was dead.

She was going to call her cousin Ted, but she went dizzy in the head, so she

on the bed instead and went red. So you said.

Roger is a liar.

Have you any proof, you silly old poof?

I have seen the... bedroom where Mrs. Mace sleeps. It's an attic, therefore

story about pulling the nightdress over her head must be false.

He must have pulled the nightgown right down. There's no headroom in her

bedroom.

So Roger is right. Roger's the culprit. Game, set, and match. So ends the

disgraceful Grace Mace case. I'll just inform the inspector.

Oh, the chief inspector. What a relief, inspector.

Hello, inspector.

Yes, we've solved the Mrs. Mace case. You will be glad to hear that Leo is

innocent and so is Sergeant Bodger. Yes.

In other words, it was not Leo Mighty who lifted the knight, it was Roger the

Lodger, the soft -footed dodger, and not Sergeant Bodger, thank God.

Good evening.

I'm a doctor.

Take it.

Now, I'm not allowed to reveal my name for reasons of professional etiquette.

Now, I fully agree with this, and so does my wife, Mrs. Ponson Wilberforce.

I'm not allowed to reveal my address, of course, but here is an eye test card

for you to read.

Never mind Harley Street, what about the National Health, I hear you ask?

Or rather, I don't hear you ask, as I use a National Health hearing aid.

There's nothing wrong with the doctors. Frankly, it's the patients.

For a start, you're a pretty unhealthy lot.

Now, a recent survey showed that 99 .5 % of patients had something wrong with

them.

The other half was a malingering dwarf.

So where do you come in? Well, I'm hoping that you won't.

Now, if you wake up every morning feeling something terrible, get a

Catch something, it may be catching, so don't send for me.

And don't come and see me either. The last place you should be if you're ill

my drafty, unheated surgery.

People come to me with such trivial complaints.

A man came to me this morning and said, Doctor, there's something hopping about

inside my head.

Ridiculous. I send for away with a flea in his ear.

Now, if you really must come to me, we have to go through the whole dreary

business of diagnosis.

Now, diagnosis is very like diarrhoea.

you get it in your gnosis instead of in your rear.

But why not do it yourself?

Diagnose your trouble, suggest a treatment, get yourself some medicine

well and just send me the money.

Now, here is how to diagnose things. Here is a diagram here of a person of

either sex.

Now, most of you are one or the other.

And for those of you who are the other, I can send you some hormone tablets.

is this bit here between the hair and the chemist's shop.

We have to say chemist's shop. We're not allowed to advertise.

Now, here is the esophagus, and here is the waistcoat. Now, I know very little

about the esophagus, but a pain here in the waistcoat means that your wallet is

too full, and I can certainly help you there.

Now, a pain here would be due to this drawing pin.

And, of course, growing pains are experienced here in the groin.

Now, you can always examine yourself with this stethoscope. You'll notice

got three ends.

You put one end in your right ear, like that, one under your left armpit, and

this bit in your mouth.

This way, you can talk to yourself, listen to your armpit, and play Amazing

Grace all at the same time.

Now to help you further, here is something absolutely revolting in a

To a trained doctor, there's no doubt about what that is.

It's a gherkin from the chip shop.

I'll take that out for you later, sir.

Appointments. Now appointments can be a very sore point with patients.

Now if you have got a sore point...

it is best to apply a local anaesthetic.

Simply go round to your local and keep drinking till the soreness is gone.

You will soon know when you're cured you'll fall over.

However, if you must see a doctor, you will have to book ahead. It's no use

ringing him up and saying, Doctor, I've got the flu. He'll be fully booked.

You've got to say, Doctor, I'm going to have the flu on March the 14th.

One should also always give alternative dates and, if possible, alternative

illnesses.

Now, don't wait around until you get into the surgery before you undress.

undress in the waiting room.

This not only saves the doctor a lot of time, it amuses the other patients.

Now, here is an X -ray of a man who swallowed 21 peas.

This man's wife dreamed she was playing a fruit machine all night, and when he

woke up, he had a mouthful of coins and a very sore arm.

Now, in this case, I prescribed liquid paraffin, but so far there's been little

change.

Tomorrow I'm going to give him three plums and try for the jackpot.

So let me sum up. As a doctor, my advice to those who aren't too well is to

dress warmly and go for a walk in the fog, or in other words, wrap up and get

lost. Good night.

Well, Helen, I suppose you could say with some safety that we've... We've

arrived, eh? Got everything one could possibly ask for. Beautiful clothes, a

yacht, heated swimming pool in the garden, Rolls -Royce in the garage,

period house in the country, original paintings on the wall.

I only wish every woman could have had a husband like mine.

Yes, it's a pity you didn't live to enjoy it, eh?

da da da da da da da

Britain's best -known losers, and Charlie Farley, a man who would have had

it takes if someone hadn't taken it first, were in a tight spot.

They had orders from MI6 to locate the formula for the deadly, clumsy drug,

which was undermining the authority of famous and important people all over the

world.

No sooner had they accepted the case, however, than their superior was

poisoned.

This, then, is the story so far.

Except for viewers in Scotland, where the story is as follows.

Peggy Macmillan and Charlie Fairley, those two broad -breasted cocks of the

north, are called into headquarters of Scottish intelligence in Shokey Hall

Street after hearing of a terrible drug which quietens down Scottish football

fans.

Meanwhile, back in civilisation, the hunt is on.

an airport.

It is from here that Piggy and Charlie are destined to take the first hesitant

step on a downward path that could lead to destruction.

And if you're wondering why Charlie doesn't seem to be around, remember the

airfares have all just gone up again.

That's all.

We're still in London.

Why don't we stop, Chief?

I'm having a snack.

after this.

It's all money, isn't it? It's all money saved, isn't it?

Why is it always me?

Don't be daft. Where are we going to find a trunk my size?

Where are you addressing me?

No, I was talking to myself.

Why? I'm insane.

Here, chief.

What?

Can I have a drink?

Are you sure you want one?

the orange juice.

Perhaps you've got the tubes mixed up.

She's working her way across the continent.

Got friendly this morning.

Not as friendly as you got this afternoon, I bet.

You've been squashed together in there all through the flight.

So she was the excess baggage they charged me for.

Well, I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink.

Had to do something.

I was a bit dodgy during the loading and unloading.

One point they turned us completely upside down.

Thought I'd bitten off more than I could chew.

I wonder if this is the sort of hotel you can leave your shoes out to get

I have certain information to impart to your highness.

Ah, well, then impart it. Impart it. I am all ears.

I know.

What? I am telling you. I am told.

Yes, I am told.

I'm not telling you who told me, but I am told.

What are you told? I'm telling you. You're not telling me. You keep telling

you are told.

Are you not telling me?

Please tell me what you are told without further to -do -ment, or I shall take

my fist and punch you in the mouth, you little scoundrel.

You are not playing your beats correctly. I'm not telling you at all.

Now, please, you're getting camp now.

I'm not getting camp. You're getting very camp of late, you are. I'm not

camp. I'm telling you that I hear that those two English fools have arrived in

the hotel.

Ah, the detectives? Those are the very them of which I speak.

Ah.

to spy upon them as arranged by the almighty Mr.

Greensleeves. And the oriental snake in the ointment, Mr.

Bob Job.

We must start at once. There's no time like the future.

It's going to be a great, great sport.

Oh, great sport. But you must not get too excited. I'm not getting excited.

are getting very excited. I'm not getting excited. You are getting

That's a suede shoe you're polishing there.

And even as our two shabby heroes prepare to hit the town in search of the

clumsy drug, there approaches one more player in this grim drama of love and

death. As yet, she had never taken part in the latter, but what a performer in

the former.

She is the fabulous Madame Cocotte, beautiful, sultry manageress of the

Metropole, a goddess.

who is destined to win the hearts of at least one of the English detectives,

apart, of course, from being one in the eye for both of them.

Having heard of the British's arrival, she was on the move, and when she was on

the move, no one else could keep still for long either.

My name is Madame Cocotte.

Is it really?

I am the manager of the hotel.

It's a very responsible job for a young lady.

What's it like being the manager here?

I manage.

Yes, I bet you do.

I bid you welcome.

And wonder if you both would care to join me after dinner for a little drink

my private quarters, sir?

Yes, sure we would.

You wouldn't mind drinking in a private quarters, would you, Chief?

No, no, that would be very nice, sir, Madame.

Eloise. Eloise Cockhart.

How is it?

Yes, that would be very nice indeed, yes. Shall we say about eight?

Shall we?

About eight.

But I can't look forward.

Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry to be so clumsy.

Is this the first evidence of a clumsy drug?

here in this very hotel?

Will Charlie Farley go drinking in Madame Cocotte's quarters?

Has Piggy Malone been drinking them in already?

These and very few other questions will be answered in another thrilling episode

next week, A Drug on the Market.

breaking into the hotel.

I thought he was staying there.

No, he only pretended he was.

Shh!

What's he looking for?

That letter.

What letter?

Shh!

It wasn't a letter, it was a prescription.

Shh!

Where are we now?

In his flat.

They've done that before.

They're very passionate.

No, they're not. It's a flashback.

Shh!

Who's this man, then?

Her boyfriend?

It's not a boyfriend. It's a brother.

Will you be quiet?

Excuse me. I'm explaining to this lady.

She's a little confused.

Will you please be quiet?

Sorry. If you can't follow these films, you should stick to Walt Disney.

I can follow.

I can follow.

I'm explaining to this lady and her husband.

No, he's not my husband. He's my boyfriend.

I'm sorry, your boyfriend.

No, he's not her boyfriend. He's her brother.

We are not talking about the film.

We are not talking about the film. Don't talk.

Excuse me, sir. I was explaining to this lady that I was explaining to this

lady. Quiet.

Look, sir. I'm sorry, I'm explaining to this gentleman and I'm explaining to

this lady that I'm... What's he doing that for?

He loves her.

But he's her father.

No, he only pretended he was.

He is her father.

That's the whole point of the film.

He's not her father. It's symbolic.

I think you're part of it.

He is her father. It was stated in the first scene.

He calls himself her father because he's a priest, but he's unfrocked.

Well, if he wasn't, he certainly is now.

There you are. You see, it is the boyfriend. That's why he's running away.

Oh, don't be silly. He's the priest.

Well, I agree with this lady. If he was just a boyfriend, this wouldn't be an

arty film.

Well, you're wrong, mate, because he is the boyfriend.

And what is more, he is allegorical for peace and love.

And I'll thump the first man who says he ain't.

Right, who agrees with this oath?

Hands up for the brother theory. One, two, three, four. Hands up for the

theory. One, two, three, four. Could we have a casting vote, do you think?

Now, what's... Oh, boy, stop this, stop this, please. Go in the circle if you

want to do that.

People are trying to watch this film. Will you all please be quiet? This lady

doesn't understand. We're trying to explain who the man in the Macintosh is.

Get your feet off the seat.

The man in the Macintosh is the perfect man. He doesn't exist except in her

mind. He is perfect.

The man's real. It's her that does it. Of course the man isn't real.

Give

respect to

the Queen, please.

It's her brother -in -law. She hasn't got a brother -in -law. Of course she

got a brother -in -law.

I'll

tell

you a joke about a chap who was driving along a road.

Now, this is one of those stories for everyone, you know, there's excitement,

adventure, human relationships.

It's a pity it's not very funny, but, I mean, you can't... Anyway, it is about a

chap driving across the Yorkshire Moors in the middle of the night.

Now, actually, he'd been trying to dodge the five o 'clock build -up at

Hammersmith Flyover, and things got a bit out of hand.

So there he is, completely lost, rain pouring down, not another human being in

sight. A bit like a summer season at Herne Bay, really.

And he thinks to himself, he thinks to himself, I'll never see Shepherd's Bush

again.

Now, that should have cheered him up a bit.

And his mind keeps picturing his home and his white -haired old mother and his

white -haired old wife and his white -haired children.

They live next to the cement works.

By the way, this is an original story, by the way, told to me by one of the

chaps they send round to repair our new cooker.

Because we have just bought a new gas cooker.

One of the very, very latest.

Enormous thing.

From about here to, well, right over there, you know, where the producers

Well, it's their own fault for opening the bar at half past five.

But that is neither here nor there, you know. Silly expression, really, because

if it's not here or there, where the hell is it? Anyway,

this gas cooker...

This gas cooker, it's one of those very latest models. You know, you simply put

all the food in, hit all the dials, and two hours later, there you are, having a

round the Chinese takeaway.

It's so ridiculous, really. I mean, good heavens. When you think that all my

mother had to cook on was half a rusty gas ring on an upturned bucket.

And every night she cooked a meal for 28 of us.

There were really only three of us in the family, but she loved entertaining.

But seriously, my wife doesn't believe me when I tell her that my mother had to

get up at 2 o 'clock every morning to walk 80 miles and scrub Trafalgar

And you're not too sure, are you?

Poor, poor, good heavens, where we lived... Where we lived, you were

a flashy dresser if you had a sock.

And my old dad was too proud to beg on the streets, so he used to beg indoors.

And then came the Depression.

And there I go again, wandering off down memory lane. Isn't it funny how you

only remember the good times?

Anyway, to return to the joke which, as I was saying, was told to me by one of

the gas company fellows, you know.

Actually, it was the one they send round looking for gas leaks.

The one with the surprised expression and a box of matches.

So there he is. There is this motorist. There is this motorist, if you remember,

who you may recall was lost on the moors in the middle of the night.

And he's got a puncture, you see, and he discovers that he hasn't got a jack.

Now he sees a light in the window of a farmhouse away in the distance, and he

starts walking.

Walk, walk, trudge, trudge, in the pouring rain and the wind blowing.

And as he gets nearer to the house, you know, he says to himself, I know what's

going to happen here. He said, this farmer's going to be very stroppy about

being woken up at one o 'clock in the morning to lend me a wheeljack.

He's not going to thank me for disturbing his deep, warm sleep.

You know what these farmers can be like, you know, big, aggressive bullies.

If you ask a little favour like borrowing a jacket at one o 'clock in

morning, they'll talk about setting the dogs on you.

Walk, walk, trudge, trudge.

Getting the atmosphere.

It's like a television series from Yorkshire. He says he's probably got to

very late and he's got to get up early in the morning and be furious about

disturbed. Walk, walk, trudge, trudge. I know what's going to happen. He said,

I'm knocking that door. And he'll open the window and he'll say, what do you

want? And I'll say, please can you lend me a wheel jack? And he'll say, why

don't you go and buy your own wheel jack? Wake me up like this. Come down

and smash your face in.

Well, by this time, he's at the door of the farmhouse. So he knocks twice.

And after a minute or two, the farmer sticks his head out of the window and

says, yes.

And the motorist looks up and said, and you know what you can do with your wheel

jack?

to my blue heaven and down to the right a

little blue light will lead you to my blue heaven you

see a smiley face a little nest that's

nestled where the roses bloom

a little show entitled Bits and Pieces.

The show is performed and directed by policemen and policewomen for policemen

and policewomen all over the place. And believe me, it is all over the place.

So, gentlemen, grab your walkie -talkies and ladies, hold on to your small

change. As you say.

As you say.

Take it away, superintendent.

As you can see, ladies and gents, the old division is really determined to

a good time here tonight. The idea is to show you that we in La Force do have

our lighter moments, and it's not all hard work.

Indeed, we in Trent Division are proud of our social activities, notably our

large popular district sports, three of whom you can see at the moment.

They are known locally as Faith, Hope and Chastity.

Only she's called Chast for short.

because the rest is a bit of a mouthful.

There are, of course, loads of opportunities for outdoor activities,

the famous police pastime of Alsatian training. Get off, girls, you've had

go. Right, we are on film, ladies and gentlemen. We'd like to show you that

remarkable police dog, Rover.

Here he is.

This amazing animal is so intelligent, he now has a full -time job training

young policemen.

Here we see him putting a young... train recruit through his paces.

That's it,

through the barrel.

Round the post.

Oh dear, you've done it wrong.

That's more like it.

Well, there's not many policemen can do that. And now...

It's a burglar demonstration.

Here we go.

Just watch this now.

Here comes a North Korean.

And now finally, the most dangerous trick of all.

And of course now, thank you,

and of course now, a little reward for a truly wonderful effort.

And now, a complete change of mood, as we take you over to the bedroom of an

ordinary house in an ordinary street, almost anywhere, for a little dramatic

interlude called simply, Duty Calls. Thank you.

with all those trained Alsatians to brighten up our days.

There be no social functions, there be no fun at all, for if there's no police,

you couldn't hold a policeman's ball.

If it wasn't for us coppers, drunken driving would be rife, and the poor old

drunk pedestrian would be running for his life.

So if some cold night one stops you in your Bentleys or your Jags, give the

a bit of pleasure.

and breathe into his bags.

When a copper passes you with firm and measured tread, with his noble pointed

helmet on his noble pointed head, whether touching the old man or sitting

loo, just give a thought to us chaps and

salute the boys.

If you don't like to fleece, fleece yourself.

If you don't like to fleece, fleece yourself.

Oh, we are out here to see you.

I fleece my mane, I fleece you.

I fleece you all. I fleece you all.

Whenever you can.

Well, they're all chaps. And he'll never raise his truncheon to a lady in

distress unless she asks him to fleece himself.

Thank

you.

Well, that's all for this week. Here is some late news.

We've just heard why Shepherds Bush Town Hall are flying the Royal Standard at

half -mast. They're half -expecting the Queen.

The annual London Health and Beauty Contest was won this evening by Miss

Whopping. Second was Miss Not -Quite -So -Whopping.

And third was Miss Absolutely Piffling.

In a white paper today, Mr. Wilson revealed his plans for the small

a lower counter.

And there's dramatic news from the South Pacific.

A ship has just picked up a party of people marooned on an island for six

consisting of 17 young women and one young man.

The women are reported to be in very good health.

met with an unfortunate accident.

He was blown over by a gust of wind and carried off by the ship's captain.

8 ,000 cases of imported fruit were stolen from Liverpool docks today. A

spokesman said it would have taken a gang of dock thieves at least four hours

do this. A spokesman for the dock has said what happens in the tea break is

of our concern.

And at the do -it -yourself furniture competition at Olympia, the favourite

of course, Miss Cynthia Bollinger, with her mahogany desk.

We've now heard she was disqualified, however, at the last minute. Her legs

too straight, and when the judge banged her bottom, her drawers fell off.

But that's all we've got time for tonight, so it's goodnight from me. And

goodnight from him. Goodnight.

Thank you.