Original subtitles

Hello, it's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And in a

packed programme tonight, the well -known Scots drunkard, Duncan McCoot,

play Amazing Grace on the breathalyser.

Our fashion reporter will be presenting the very latest thing in women's

clothes, David Bowie.

For sports fans, there'll be rugby with Eddie Wearing, boxing with Eddie Tiring,

and archaeology with Eddie Downright Boring.

And we'll be talking to a man who crossed a Gordon Highlander with a

and got a squeaky jockstrap.

And a farmer.

And a farmer who crossed a field with Susan Hampshire and got nothing at all.

But first, the news.

A beautiful young Swedish nudist... Beautiful young Swedish nudist was

rescued today by the crew of a Scottish trawler. To save her embarrassment, they

quickly covered her with an old Macintosh. Mr Angus Macintosh of Fife,

Who was delighted.

The art world.

The engagement was announced today between the famous post -impressionist

Madeleine Leclerc and Percy Edwards, the famous animal impersonator.

They met when he was giving his impression of a dog and she was giving

impression of a post.

In the National Folk Dancing Festival at Blatchford yesterday, the crowd became

so excited, police had to link arms and hold them back.

They were pushed forward four times, but each time they struggled back again.

The police were commended for the restraint and awarded first prize in the

-cokey.

A survey on the labelling of toilet doors has just announced its findings

In most undertakers, the doors are labelled his and hers.

In a Franciscan monastery,

the doors were labelled silent order and out of order.

And the civil service, of course, has three doors marked in, out and pending.

But here's the newsflash.

Electricity reductions were so severe in London this evening that at Wembley

Greyhound Stadium, the electric hair came in third.

And all the blue lamps turned to red, enabling policewoman Shirley Wainwright

make three arrests and seven guineas.

But now, a sketch.

that features Mr Ronnie Barker, who today won the Nobel Prize for creating

perfect vacuum.

How did you do it, Ronnie?

Oh, it was nothing, really.

Oh,

I must introduce you to Harry Gubbins. He's the life and soul of the party. Oh,

good, good.

Harry, darling, this is Rodney. Hello, Harry.

My dog died. Why don't you have a nice drink?

I don't want a ruddy drink.

My dog died today. He died.

How inconsiderate of me. I'll just take my jacket off if you don't mind.

He's dead.

Yes, well, he would be, yes.

He used to sleep on an old jacket just like that.

wag their tails when you come home.

No, I never have seen a chicken wag its tail, no.

What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

Well, why don't you have a nice cocktail, look?

Woo found with a dash of pecanese, he was. No, this is a stuffed olive with a

dash of martini.

His favourite plaything, favourite plaything, used to be an old pair of

like these ones you're wearing.

An old pair of trousers?

An old pair like those. Just like the ones I'm wearing?

What are you trying to do to me?

I wouldn't have come in there right now.

Listen, tell me, how old was he when he died?

Chaucer? Yes.

Chaucer would have been 37 in October.

Well, that's no great age, is it? We had a tortoise once, you know, that

attained that age. Then it laid an egg.

Chaucer never laid an egg, you know.

I'm sure it wasn't for want of trying. No, no, no.

Not about something nice to eat, eh? Oh, no, no, no.

Chocolate mousse? No, not chocolate mousse. His favourite food, is it? His

favourite food, yes, absolutely favourite.

And I can't bear to look at it!

Shall I just go away now? No, don't go away.

That's what he did. That's what Towson did. He went away and left me dogless.

Hello,

Harry.

Oh, what a funny little man.

Oh, Harry, you've been playing one of your jokes again.

Yes.

Yes, the old my dog died this morning routine.

Oh, it worked a treat. It's nice to meet someone who can take a joke these days.

That sort of party.

Oh, isn't it? I was told it was. A friend of mine said it's the sort of

where you take your trousers off and throw a mousse at each other. Oh, look,

brought to dear Mrs.

Wisbury to talk to you.

Oh.

Sorry about the mess, Mrs. Wisbury.

Someone was just telling me how his dog died.

My goldfish passed away in the night.

Did he?

What did he do, drown himself?

I want to speak to you tonight about the water shortage.

Now, there have been rumours that the government are washing their hands of

whole problem, but we're not, because there isn't any water.

There's even been a ridiculous rumour that the cows in the North East are

dried milk.

Now, let me deal with that one straight away. It's true.

How bad is the crisis? Well, here is a chart showing Britain's goldfish

reserves.

Which have been left high and dry, as you see.

Now, yesterday, in the annual River Thames fishing contest, the winner

seven -pound ferret.

Indeed, I myself, on Thursday, travelled by train from Manchester to London, and

I didn't pass water once.

What are we in the government doing about the water shortage? The answer is

simple, nothing.

Or to put it another way, here is a map with the affected areas marked in red.

Or if you have a black and white television set, marked in purple.

Now, for the time being, the Lake District will be known as the Puddle

Barges will sail along the Grand Union Mud Bath here.

And, of course, Waterloo becomes Elsan.

Now, our boffins have noticed that there's very little water shortage out

sea, so in future, all reservoirs will be built here on the Dogger Bank.

They'll have a hole in the top to let the rain in and a hole in the side to

the trawlers out.

Now, here is a picture... Now,

here is a picture of Gladys Whipsnade.

Which brings me to sport.

Now, this may not bring you to sport, but that's what it brings me to.

This is bound to be affected by a complete lack of water. However, next

there will be treacle skiing at Ryslip.

At Ascot, the water will only be turned on on Ladies' Day, but we hope the

ladies will be turned on every day.

From now on, all showers will be useless.

And talking of useless showers, the Cabinet have solemnly promised...

They have solemnly promised that when the sewage at Westminster reaches danger

level, they will step in.

Now, here is a map that makes it all simple.

And here is the real map, which makes it all look a ghastly mess.

Now, there is one good piece of news. The Channel Tunnel is now complete, and

it slopes the other way, we can put all our sewage where it really belongs,

France.

Now, what can you do about it? At home. Well, firstly, you can buy our new

economy watering can.

And you know we can't have everyone washing down their cars every Sunday. Do

on a Wednesday.

Try to combine going to the toilet with cleaning the windows.

If your whiskey's too strong, Always add a drop of gin.

How about making tea without water, using a tea bag?

Now, here I have a picture of a typical bag.

That's Gladys Whipsnade again. Now, here is a teapot.

And remember, it's one spoonful per person and one for the pot.

Shake well and pour yourself a nice cup of tea leaves.

Like that. There we are.

If you're still dry, why not try...

A refreshing sip of peanut butter.

It's delicious, eventually.

I have to end... I have to end with something, so I end with an emergency

message. It's for single girls in the London area. From now on, you're asked

share your bathrooms with other girls, as only the bathroom at Buckingham

will have continuous water.

Or to sum up, it's either two players or a royal flush.

Thank you.

I say, Tony.

What?

Remember how Mr. Watts' name used to come in the pub?

Who?

Used to come in with that big woman, you know.

Don't know who you mean.

That big woman used to wear a fur coat, live near Dennis' mother's.

Dennis who?

What big woman? You know, that big woman lived near Dennis. You remember Dennis?

Dennis with masses of dark hair, you know.

And his sallow boy, big with it.

Used to work for that printers at Caterham.

What printers?

You remember, the printers that were supposed to have done all Winston

Churchill's visiting cards during the war.

Who?

Winston Churchill, the war leader. Oh, my God.

Winston Churchill, the one who's supposed to have saved us from the

Adolf.

Adolf who?

Hitler, Adolf Hitler.

Don't mean to tell me you don't know who Adolf Hitler is.

Of course I know who Adolf Hitler is.

Not a moron, Harold.

Oh, well, don't start off.

Well. Well, then.

Well, what?

Well, he's dead.

Who?

Hitler? Hitler, not Hitler, silly queen. I'm talking about...

What I mean is that Churchill saved us from the clutches of Hitler.

Well, what about it?

Well, all I'm trying to tell you is that Winston Churchill used to have his

visiting cards done at this firm in Caterham where Dennis works.

Dennis who?

Dennis, the chap whose mother lives near the woman in the fur coat.

What woman?

Oh, dear.

The big woman who used to come into the pub with Mr. What's -his -name. Turner?

Turner, Turner, yes, him, Turner.

Well, what about him? Well, he's dead.

Well, they never proved it. He might be living under another name in South

America.

Nice pub this, isn't it? That's attractive, don't you think?

I've been watching you.

What are you going to have to drink, eh?

You've been gazing insultingly at my wife.

Nonsense. Come on, have another drink. What will it be, barber?

I'm warning you.

You've been staring in an indecent manner at my wife's figure.

Absolute rubbish, old man. I wouldn't do a thing like that.

Nothing was further from my thoughts.

Barman, two large bosoms, please.

Oh, Edward.

Still you're not here, are you?

No.

I've been dancing. Yes, but with someone else. People will talk. Why, Tom and I

are very good friends.

But I'm your wife.

Tom's a better dancer.

Oh, very well, Edward. Go ahead and have fun.

Yeah, all right. All right.

I don't have much fun, you know.

Oh.

Up and down all night, warming the milk, mashing the rust.

shivering in the cold, changing nappies.

I wouldn't mind so much if we had a baby.

We used to have one. What happened to it?

He went to Harrow, graduated to Sandhurst, climbed the south face of the

Matterhorn, and he's now the Archbishop of York.

It's time he changed his own nappy.

Edward, I feel so alone.

Cast adrift like a little boat in the dust.

No, you're making me seasick.

Edward, you just don't care.

You don't even bring me flowers anymore.

I did last week.

That wreath?

I risked my life for that wreath. That hearse was travelling at over 30 miles

hour.

Oh, Edward.

And don't think I don't know about your carrying on. I saw you in there just

now, holding that girl by the rostrum. I was not. I was holding her by the

elbow. if you might.

Do you ever think how I feel?

I know how you feel. I wanted to feel how she felt.

How could you?

Oh, you're such a little innocent.

No, I'm not. Oh, so you admit it.

What?

I do know you know.

What do you know? Well, I could be wrong. No, I suppose you mean about

me. Oh, oh, I was wrong. I thought it was Rupert.

Rupert, he doesn't count. No, he's not too good at spelling either.

Well, maybe he isn't, but he's wonderful on the golf course.

Oh, Edward,

I'm sorry.

Come here and hold me.

Tight. Yes, I am a bit.

in Vienna.

What beautiful memories it brings back.

Oh, but Edward, I went there alone. You stayed here with my sister.

I know. What beautiful memories it brings back.

Edward! It's a gentleman's excuse me. Oh, so it is.

Excuse me. Tom!

Phyllis! Phyllis, aren't you coming in?

Everyone's wondering where you are. Well, they'll have to manage without me.

But it's the last wars, Phyllis.

Phyllis! It won't be the same without you.

We need...

for this evening, Dawn with Tony Orlando.

When a family owned a man that loved her so

Who'd believe she'd leave us to

joy Burlesque shore

Was there anybody seen

my sweet tipsy rose Here's a picture when she was mine Sweet Mary

Jo, now she's got rings on her fingers and bells on her toes.

Say, has anybody seen my sweet tipsy rose?

Oh, I've got to win my joes for dancing here in New Orleans.

In a small little honky tonk, they call the land a dream.

Say, has anybody seen my sweet Jetson Rose?

Oh, baby, baby, won't you come home?

Say, we all wish that every night we kiss your picture.

Oh, tonight the lights go dim and the crowd goes home.

That's the day you wake up and the lights are off.

Let's say goodbye, gypsy.

Hello, Mary Jo of the Valley.

Say, has anybody seen my street gypsy rose jubilation?

Now you know just what I mean by, has anybody seen my gypsy rose?

Let's go to an introduction I think you remember.

A song that you know.

I've never had my summertime.

Now I've got to know what is a Disneyland.

If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free.

know just what to do if you still want me.

If you still want me. Let's do it together at home. Come on.

Put the blame on me And I don't see a yellow ribbon around

The old tree Lay it pretty down

Now

the whole

day Bus is cheering

Because I can't believe that I see you.

A hundred yellow ribbons round the old street.

I'm coming home.

Listen to this.

A very funny story.

This will make you laugh.

Well, it won't make everybody laugh.

Well, that, of course, is a matter of circumstances. I mean, if you happen to

at this moment pinned to the living room wall by a sex -starved gorilla, then a

wry smile is as much as we can hope for.

And those viewers who might be watching on a portable television while plunging

over a waterfall in a canoe, or are perhaps tied to the railway lines, are

going to get as much out of a joke as, say, an audience sitting comfortably

in the studio, you know, with a complimentary bag of sweets and funny

Mind you, we do actually take all this into account when we are compiling our

viewing figures, you know. And in case you've ever wondered how we compile the

viewing charts, Well, here at the BBC, I'll tell you how we do it. At the BBC

here, we have a team of highly skilled public relations experts who go out

night and look in people's windows.

And if you're watching us, they make a note of it.

And if you're watching the other side, they knock on the door and run away.

Now, the other side have an even more insidious trick. They ring you up.

And if you're watching this side, they invite you to an orgy.

And before you know what, you're in a London hotel, surrounded by beautiful

girls and champagne.

And you've missed Panorama.

So you viewers at home, please don't answer the phone for the next few

Otherwise you might be out enjoying yourselves.

Instead of listening to this story, which is about a time years ago when I

nearly, very nearly appeared at the Mechanics Institute Biggleswade. Now,

Mechanics Institute Biggleswade at that period of time ranked in popularity as

an entertainment venue somewhere between the Scouts Hut at Stoke Poges and the

Blackwall Tunnel.

My agent, I was talking about, who incidentally is now very well off

He's got a 15 -roomed house and a riding stables and a grouse moor on his yacht.

In great comfort and place.

I shouldn't have said that. You'll have the screwsmen around now. But things

were different then.

I went to see him where he was staying in these dear old, the days departed. I

went to see him where he was staying, in the gents' toilet at Euston Station.

And I'll never forget him, sitting there in his...

In his peep

-toed wellingtons, in his army greatcoat, in his blue plastic pixie

smoking a toilet roll.

Ronnie said, Ron, he said, I'm not going to try to deceive you, he said.

Business has been very quiet lately.

He said, apart from Fred Wilby and his dancing tortoise, you are the only

You are the only act I've got on the books. But at last, he said, your big

opportunity has arrived, he said. You are going to star in the late -night

spectacular floor show at the Mechanics Hall Institute Biggleswade.

He said, you're open tonight.

Don't be late. They close at seven.

Now, with that, he had taken the bag of crisps from a passing child and he made

a run for the exit.

Now, at last we come to the funny bit I was telling you about.

I am on a train to Biggleswade and we've been going along for quite a time when

I happen to say to the ticket collector, how long is it before we get to

Biggleswade? Well, he said, it's about ten minutes. I said, oh, good, because

I'm getting off there.

He said, do you mind if I watch?

Because I've never seen anybody get off a train going at 90 miles an hour.

Which was his rather kind of chic way of breaking it to me that the train didn't

stop at Bigglesway.

So I explained the situation to him and he said, listen, he said, dry your eyes.

Come on now, boo -boos, he said, dry your eyes, boo -boos.

Give us a little smile, he said.

That's better, he said, because I've got an idea. He said, supposing I ask the

driver to slow down going through the station, and I get hold of you by the

loose skin at the back of your neck, and you set your legs going, then I lower

you onto the platform and Bob's your uncle.

So a few minutes later, there I was in mid -air, suitcase in each hand, feet

twinkling away like that, and I touch the ground.

and just stopped at the end of the platform, waved goodbye to the ticket

collector, when the guard leaned out, grabbed me and yanked me into his van

said, you nearly missed it, didn't you?

What does it say? What? What does it say?

I haven't finished reading it. Be patient, my dear.

Patient? A letter is delivered by hand from no lesson address in Buckingham

Palace itself, and my husband tells me to be patient.

Richard, really.

I'm sorry, my dear, to be a trifle slow, but reading wasn't my best subject at

heath.

That's why I had to give up any idea of following a profession and became an MP.

I'll tell you this much.

It's addressed to both of us.

Here, let me read it.

To Sir Richard and Lady Bellamy. There we are, right so far.

I have the honour to inform you that His Majesty, oh, would deem it a privilege

to dine with you on May the 21st at 8 o 'clock at your residence in Belgrave

Square. That's here.

His Majesty would of course be incognito.

I have the honour to remain, etc.

Arthur Wormington, Private Secretary, to His Majesty.

Oh, Richard, I think I'm going to faint.

Here, lie down on the sofa and I'll undo something for you.

Oh, no, I haven't got time for this. I'm far too excited.

The King dining here.

It must be because of that chance meeting at the garden party.

You remember, you weren't there.

How could I remember if I wasn't there?

I told you about it.

I met him and now he wanted to dine here.

And all because I offered him a pressed tongue sandwich.

Are you sure that's all you offered him?

Don't be silly, Richard.

Now, we must prepare.

I'll put the potatoes on.

Richard, it must be kept secret from the neighbours. Remember, he'll be

incognito the whole time.

From what I hear, he always is these days.

Can't do his liver any good.

I ring for Hudson.

You rang, sir.

Ah, Hudson, that was quick.

No, no, no, no. I came in just before you rang, sir. Ah, that's what I mean.

Your mistress wants a word with you.

What do you mean? She's here in the house now.

Lady Bellamy. Oh, I see. I'm awfully sorry.

We are expecting a very distinguished visitor to dinner on Friday, Hudson.

Oh, would it be a fellow MP at all, Sir Richard?

No, no. someone of far greater stature than me.

Who really?

Now, who could that possibly be?

His Majesty King Edward.

What seventh, you mean?

Well, naturally, Edward VI died in 1553.

Did he, by Jove?

That's something else they didn't teach us at Eton.

Hang on a minute, that can't be quite correct, surely.

I mean, that would make this one about 300 years old.

No, silly, there have been other...

Excuse me, Millie, while you're sorting out that historical point, I wonder if I

might inform the staff of the occasion.

Oh, by the way, the reason I came in the first place was to ask my lady if it

would be possible to borrow the morning room this afternoon.

It's for my evening classes.

What? Well, you see, I'm working this evening, you see, and so the morning

would be ideal for this afternoon.

I'm sorry, I'm a trifle confused, Hudson. You're not asking for the whole

off, are you? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Sir Richard, no, no. You see, I'm

this morning and this evening, so I thought we'd have this afternoon off,

see, for the evening classes.

In the morning room? In the morning room, yes.

Well, of course, by all means, Hudson, provided you put in a little appearance

from time to time. Oh, certainly, yes, yes. Will that be all, milady? Yes,

you very much indeed.

Very nice to pass the time of day with you, Hudson.

Thank you, milady. Thank you, Sir Richard.

Where is he?

My dear, what are these evening classes?

He gives the maids lessons in deportment and physical fitness. He likes to show

them a few wrinkles.

I'm sure he does.

Nevertheless, I'm sure the king's visit will give the maids something to occupy

them. I dare say he can't wait to tell them the news.

His Majesty is coming to dinner.

His

Majesty

is coming to dinner.

Majesty is coming to dinner.

answer me.

Hello.

These damn new fangle things, really.

You spend a fortune installing them and can't get them to work. Can't get Mother

to hear me. Mother's not on the telephone.

That's no excuse.

What? Listen, I've got something far more important to talk about. I've been

having a word with Rose, the head housemaid. And Richard, she's very

I absolutely deny it.

The whole thing is a tissue of lies.

I was having an all -night sitting.

What did she say?

She merely...

Oh, that's different, then. Richard, have you got a guilty conscience?

Certainly not.

You can't afford one as an MP.

No, no, not at all.

Hudson missing, you say? Yes, he's not been seen since this morning.

Apparently, a man in a bowler hat called at the front door and after a hurried

consultation left again, afterwards followed by Hudson.

And then later in the morning, one of the maids saw him with a large bag in

Burlington Arcade.

Did the maid recognise her?

The large bag he was with, dear.

It wasn't Gertie from the Gertie, was it?

Because I know he's been hanging around the stage door after her ever since he

saw her as Dick in the panto.

Richard, I don't know what you're talking about.

All I know is that the king is coming to dinner here tonight and we have no

butler. Good grief.

What are we going to do?

Richard, you will have to be the butler. Oh, I couldn't possibly.

I've never buttled in my life.

I just would not know where to begin. There's no good going on. Look here.

His Majesty doesn't know you.

So you will just have to be the butler. I will not have a strange one in this

house tonight.

We have six hours to prepare.

Oh, it's absolutely impossible.

Anyway, my tailcoat is at the cleaners. Then you will have to wear Hudson's.

Richard, I'm determined.

Good evening, your lord, sir.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Wonderful.

Beautiful. I love your... Stoop me, ladies.

Thank you, Hudson.

Oh, he's going to do a conjuring trick.

You're going to pull a rabbit out of the soup.

That's what went into it.

and a few other things. Oh, such as what? Such as this sleeve, for example.

that. It's absolutely stoked.

Would the lady mind very much if I removed my coat to serve the soup? You

do no such thing, Hudson. Where's your decorum? Could be anywhere under this

lot.

How do you serve the soup and don't be impersonal?

More wine, Teddy.

Oh, excuse me a minute.

That would be... That would be delightful.

I'm sorry, my dear.

Where do you get it? My husband gets it, specially.

Oh, where from?

Dundas. You'll get it specially upstairs if you carry on like that.

More soup, milady?

No, thank you, Hudson. Oh, dear, I do wish you'd make up your mind.

No more for me, please. Oh, no, I insist.

Oyster soup.

A little more, Hudson.

Oh, I see.

You think I will be needing it later?

In that case, thank you.

Who's Sir Richard? Oh, my goodness, you've scalded me, sir. I'll never wear

sporran again, sir.

It's Hudson.

What is the meaning of this? Oh, I'm awfully sorry, madam. Will you ever

me? It was done with the best intentions. But why?

Well, the king's secretary called here this morning and cancelled the visit. I

just didn't have the heart to tell you. And you did this all out of loyalty?

Oh, yes, sir, Richard, yes.

Madam, will you ever forgive me? Oh, of course, Hudson. Come upstairs and I'll

see how badly you're burned. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, it's absolutely nothing, milady.

But are you sure it might need a poetic?

Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't need a poetic.

Just a minute, my dear. You're not going up the stairs and not the way you've

been behaving, my girl.

must remove his trousers here. Now, come along, Hunter. Oh, no, milady, no. Oh,

please, milady. Now, look here.

Oh, oh, but you, your majesty.

I changed my mind and came after all.

But why didn't you tell me it was this kind of party?

Well,

that's all. for this week.

However, here is some late news. There was a fracas in London in the small

of this morning involving one Seamus O 'Higgins.

After a lengthy argument, O 'Higgins was arrested by PC Wallace Grudgen who

claimed that his nose was broken in three places.

Marble Arch, Piccadilly Circus and London Bridge.

A Danish importer who lost a trunk full of highly pornographic books on the

luggage escalator at London Airport has at last managed to find them.

His trunk came up last Wednesday, and his case comes up next Thursday.

The Home Office announced this evening the number of prisoners who have escaped

from Her Majesty's prisons during the year. These are Wormwood Scrubs, 19,

Dartmoor, 12, Durham, 6, and Wandsworth, 21.

Wormwood Scrubs now meet Wandsworth in the final.

A recent airline strike has meant that a Hampshire woman not only had to carry

her luggage onto the plane, but also had to finish her journey by rail. She said

she left Hearn by plane for Albania and reached Albania by train with a hernia.

The Leith police are said to be searching for several thistle sifters

be suffering from thick heads after stampering thousands of small thin

sachets containing 36 sorts of thick syrup stolen from Thirsk between

and Saturday.

The aforesaid thistle sifters are thought to have swallowed the syrup by

it through thick straws.

The Leith police say they can spot the thieves by the thickness of their speech

and as soon as they come forth they will be summoned forthwith.

They are asking all witnesses to step forward and speak out, but my advice is

don't risk it.

They are thick you inside as soon as they look at you.

So it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.