Original subtitles

Good evening. It's nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in the packed programme tonight, we shall have the world's most short

knife -throwing act, Samuel Zolder II and his assistant, Zelda XXIX.

But first, the news.

Barbara Castle said today that before long, there would be a woman Prime

Minister of this country.

Mr Harold Wilson said, I heartily agree.

Mr Wilson was wearing a powder blue dress with matching hats...

The Ministry of Health announced today that due to a phenomenal increase in the

national birth rate, expectant mothers are warned that there is now a 12 -month

waiting list.

Uganda.

General Amin took delivery of an open car today.

In case of wet weather, there is a special button. General Amin simply

it, and it stops raining.

But here is an announcement. Police report very heavy traffic over Putney

Bridge. It's been so heavy, in fact, that one woman had to abandon her car

continue her driving test on foot.

We'd also like to announce that the Gay Lib recruiting vehicle

may be touring your area this week.

It's very easy to recognise.

It's mauve in colour.

And the number plate is RU12.

And it may be in reverse gear.

Owing to the shortage of free -range chickens, several government committees

to be set up to discover an alternative way of hatching eggs.

Mr. Edward Heath has already promised to sit on them.

Sport. At the ladies' show jumping today, Miss Annalee Drummond -Hay got

-fourths for a refusal, and Elsie Jones got four pounds for an acceptance.

There was trouble in the national poker championships at the Albert Hall. The

hall was packed, but when the poker players heard Raquel Wilson and

Taylor were outside, everyone rushed out. It just shows that two pairs can

a full house.

we've just had news of three important business mergers. Pie Records merged

Apple Records today to make apple pies.

Hawker Aviation joined up with Cyril Lord to make flying carpets for the

market. And Crispy Bacon Limited merged with Rolls Royce to make sausage rolls

and Royce Crispy.

The sketch that follows features Mr. Ronnie Corbett, who at the National

next month will play the part of a man who's been married for 20 years.

In the next production, he hopes to get a speaking part.

Ah, Mr.

Braithwaite. Come in, sit down, will you, Mr. Braithwaite?

Now then, the Labour Exchange have sent you round here for this job. I'd just

like you to help me by helping me to fill in a little questionnaire, if you

would. It's the sort of thing we do with all job applicants. All right.

Will you take down Mr Braithwaite's replies, please, Claire? Yes, ready.

Now, first of all, a full name, George Pip -Pip -Pip Braithwaite.

George Pip -Pip -Pip Braithwaite.

I see.

Address? 41, Whizbank Crash Garden, Potted Shrimp, Sussex.

Potted Shrimps, where's that?

It's a suburb of Horsham, just beyond Ponky Doos on the Bedstead Lane.

Ponky where?

Doos.

Ponky Doos.

Age, 40.

Thank you. Inside leg, 26 and a half.

your part? Not at all. I enjoyed it.

Previous experience?

Ah, 31.

No, no, Mr. Humphrey. Wait, please. Details of your previous experience.

Well, for three years I was in the grunt business, polishing tapioca for organ

grinders, and I left there because of the parrot stuffers. Then, for a number

years, I went bang for a deaf drummer in the London Symphony Orchestra.

I chewed parsley for Rolls -Royce for a while.

Then I went to the Foreign Office as a bucket balancer.

Finally unscrewed my left leg and fell over.

One final question, Mr. Braithwaite. What would you say would be your main

ambition in life?

Well, I'm going to form a national naked ladies' choir to travel all over the

country, bringing music to millions and pleasure to the deaf.

much for coming. We will be in touch. Thank you very much. Thank you. Good

Well?

Well, I have the feeling he didn't really want the job.

Anyway, he's not right.

Well, I don't know what we're going to do. I mean, you'll have to find someone

soon, Claire.

I mean, you're nearly 36. Your mother and I are getting very worried about

Oh,

dear,

what a downpour.

We were lucky to find this place, Jack. I didn't know the whereabouts. Many

cinemas in Soho.

I thought they were all restaurants.

Here.

There's a lot of money, though.

75p each.

Why don't we go in the cheap seats?

Those are cheap seats.

Oh, I'm flushed right up my stockings. It's always the same. Whenever I put on

new stockings, it pours with rain and I get flushed right up them.

What's it called, Jack?

I don't know.

Foreign, isn't it?

I don't know.

I think it's foreign.

Well, it isn't English, anyhow.

Oh, yes, it's one of them foreign films.

Oh, Mrs Cook across the road has got some bedroom curtains just like those.

Only they're more of a blue.

Oh, I like that eiderdown, don't you, Jack?

Oh, isn't she like Muriel?

Who? Elfie's girl.

No, nothing like her. Oh, I think she is.

A bit bigger, perhaps.

Mind you, Muriel takes the party now.

You had an awful job getting the bridesmaid's dress to fit her. Great big

she is.

Oh, that's just Muriel, that is.

She just takes her clothes off and drops them anywhere, all round the bedroom.

No sense of tiredness, girls, these days.

You know, if she'd got up ten minutes earlier, she wouldn't have had to rush

about like that.

Jack,

that's one of the soap racks I was telling you about.

They've got the Matarises.

They're continental, special design.

Look, you see the way she's leaning over it to turn the taps off?

So you can't scratch yourself on them, you see.

Because they're all curved over with no rough edges.

A lovely shape, aren't they?

Oh, he's got a lovely loofer there.

those on me green stamp.

Oh, darling.

Just what I need is that bit on me back I never can reach.

Oh, look, she's having the same trouble.

Oh, he's giving her a hand now.

Well, now what's he doing?

I think they're trying to save water.

You'd think he'd let her get out of the bath first before he got in, wouldn't

you?

What does sin mean?

Ah, it's the end.

We must miss the best part.

Look at life number 94.

Do it yourself.

Ah, this'll be more interesting for you, Jack.

Ladies and gentlemen, our guest for this evening, Finn John.

Have a light, please.

Come back to your place.

I never said that. Go to bed with you.

How dare you? I never said that.

I never said that.

I never said that.

Sorry about that unexpected outburst, but I'm reading psychology at university

and I'm carrying out a survey on various forms of embarrassment.

Oh, I see.

Hope you'll forgive me.

£15 for the night?

Well, you've done it again, Owen.

Retired.

That's twice now.

First you were a doctor, then you retired, then you went back, and now

retired again.

And you're not enjoying your retirement any more this time than you did the

last.

Still, you can't keep chopping and changing, can you?

I mean, eventually you'll be too old for it. Then what will you do?

Yes, look at that.

When you get too old to retire, you've had it.

All I do is miss going to the surgery and having that little thing hanging

around my neck all the time.

I wonder what happened to Nurse Jenkins.

None of my qualifications sit in here feeding the birds.

Seems wrong somehow.

Petty thing to do.

Should be something bigger.

I could go to the zoo and feed the elephants as well.

Stupid, that is. That's stupid, that is. O -N -M -D stands for mentally

deficient.

What's wrong with eating birds?

I mean, they enjoy it, don't they?

That's the bread with the arsenic on it for the rats.

Oh, dear.

I'm getting so absent -minded.

Getting old, you see.

Doesn't seem five minutes ago since I was as young as them two.

Oh, people get old so quick.

As quick as that, though.

Priority's all wrong these days.

Don't forget about the drug traffic and do something about the Saturday traffic.

Ridiculous.

Five hours to get to America and 20 minutes across the road.

How's that for cheap?

They wouldn't stop like that for me.

Well, he might.

Oi, Grandad. If you're going to kill yourself, I'll buy you a pension book

you, stupid old twig.

I'm trained to stay alive, thank you.

Well, if that's the way you go about it, you ought to see a doctor.

I am a doctor.

Are you?

Dr. Rowan?

Yes.

How did you know?

I've been looking for you.

So she says Dr.

Rowan's your man, she says.

He'll give you a helping hand, she says. He's given me one many a time.

Has he, I said?

So that's why I'm here in your house, drinking your tea, telling you my sad

story. I see.

No one to love you and nowhere to go, is it? Well, now I've rested, you see,

because I come from a broken home.

Oh, dear, what caused that?

Well, me mum was very clumsy.

in China all over the place. You couldn't sit down. You know what I mean?

Not sitting down, I couldn't settle. You know what I mean?

Yeah, well, how can I help you then? Well, I thought I might settle here for

day or two. I mean, you must have a room upstairs you're not using. Oh, no, I

haven't. Well, you live in your own, don't you? Yes.

Well, why haven't you got a spare room upstairs then? Because this is a

bungalow, that's why.

Anyway, I just rented this place to get away from people I want to be on my own.

Well, we will be on our own.

Oh, well, there's a spare room that's over there.

All right. But it would only be for a couple of days now, eh? Of course, of

course. Of course I'll pay you and all that. What with? Well, watches,

whatever you're short of, you know what I mean?

How about money?

Ah, that's a little bit more tricky, you understand? Yes, unfortunately, money

talks. I know, well, I can never keep it long enough to hear what it says, you

see.

Easy come, easy go, mate, that's me.

You've never heard of thrift, I suppose, have you? Ah, wonderful virtue and an

ancestor, but unfortunately none of mine left me as much as the smell of an oily

rag, you know what I mean?

What do you do that for?

Well, I always react like that to noises, you know what I mean? It's a

from the war.

The war? You must have been very tiny during the war.

Yes, I was. My big brother stole all my rations.

I'm going to find out who that is at the door. Yes, I'm going.

I'll just get my gear in the spare room and you come and tell me who it is

straight away, all right?

Yes? Dr. Owen?

Yes? I wonder if I could see you. A friend sent me.

Oh, you'd better come in then.

I'm afraid I've got someone with me at the moment. If you wouldn't mind waiting

in here, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

Good God, are you all right?

I know it's all right. I always hang my clothes up on the floor, never mind.

Yeah, not a bad little pad you've got in there. That'll do me fine, you know,

till I get fixed up.

Wonderful. Listen, who was it at the door then? Oh, some girl who said her

friend had sent her. I don't know. They treat me like an information bureau.

Well, you see, you've got a kindly face, haven't you, eh?

Listen, Doc, you'll never know how grateful I am to you for you taking me

like this. Oh, really?

No, cos I shan't tell you, that's why.

Give us me bag over, there's a good lad, eh?

No, I don't believe in thanking things of people for things. You know, not

things for people. I don't believe in thanking people for things either.

Ta.

Why don't you?

Well, they start expecting favors in return, women and all that.

I see. You're not a marrying kind then, is it? Wedding bells never. Now, look,

the only difference between a wedding and a funeral, mate, is that you can

your own flowers.

Most men fall in love with a pair of legs and make the mistake of marrying

whole girl.

Bit of a philosopher on the quiet, aren't you?

Well, I know women and all that. Yes, well, I don't know that one in there.

better go and see what she's doing.

Charm me a minute.

Madam, I don't know who you are, but would you mind getting up off the

table and putting your underwear back on?

I'm not a doctor anymore now. I've retired, see?

Mind you, I will say that's a beautiful job someone did on your appendix.

Nearly ten o 'clock.

Time he was up.

I'll take him a cup of tea.

I didn't hear him come in last night.

I wonder what time it was.

Oh, why am I acting like a ruddy nursemaid? What am I doing?

I need to look after people, that's my trouble.

I should never have given up medicine.

I should have kept on practising.

I might have got good at it.

Good gracious, what's going on here?

Good morning, Granddad.

Yeah, what is all this? Who's that?

That's me cousin, Bobby.

Bobby? What's he doing here?

It's a good job you retired, mate. It's a bird.

Oh, is it? Well, I can just flutter off.

Listen, you come in here taking your clothes off early in the morning without

being invited?

Are you retired to get away from all that?

Oh, she doesn't say much, does she? Eh? Your cousin doesn't say much? What is

she, deaf and dumb or something?

Well, not exactly, but she has difficulty in speaking.

Oh, why's that?

Every time she tries to talk, I hit her in the mouth, that's what. Oh, that's...

Very charming domestic scene. What do you mean by coming here and turning this

place into a Soho strip club?

Have you no conscience?

Yeah, I don't believe in conscience, mate.

Conscience never stop you doing anything wrong. Just stop you enjoying yourself,

that's all.

Anyway, she don't come from so... She comes from Coventry, don't you, darling?

Oh, does she? Well, she can just go back there straight away.

Otherwise, I'll have no compunction but to take her outside and kick her

straight up the M1.

choice there is. And you too. And you. You can be out. Both of you. Out of this

house. So much for hospitality. Never mind hospitality. I'm just going on

sense. That's all. What's horses got to do with it? Horses just happen to be

more intelligent than we are. That's all. You don't get horses betting on

people, do you? No.

And it's about time I stopped doing it too. Out. Both of you. Out. All right,

Grandad. All right. Don't start shouting. I can stand on my own two

know. I'm a self -made man. Self -made?

What did you do? Run out of materials?

What are you looking at, Twiggy?

Self -made.

What a horrible example of unskilled labour.

Well, I've learned my lesson.

No more social problems.

Back to medicine for me.

At least if it doesn't work out right then, you can blame it on the national

health.

I'll come back.

I'm going to carry on.

I somehow knew you would.

Everything's just as you left it.

Charles, darling, I'd like you to meet Horace Macy.

Have a cosy little chat.

Hello. Yes, I am.

I say, you're that mind reader chappy.

I'm very well, thank you.

How are you?

All about 20 years now.

How long have you been reading minds?

Yes, that's right.

Do you find it very difficult?

Well, I suppose some people could, but I think it's a gift.

Can anybody read minds? Well, she's never complained.

Must be awfully difficult for the wife.

I've got two, Jean and June.

Any children?

Yes. Australia, America, New Zealand and parts of Warrington.

You must have travelled to some very interesting places.

Yes, in a minute, dear.

Would it be much longer?

That or that's the wife.

Who was that lady?

A lot of chaps say the same.

Yes, attractive.

As a matter of fact, she can.

Can she read minds as well?

How dare you!

I think you'd better. I'm going home.

Good evening. I thought tonight that we... By the way, do I look all right

tonight? Because I'm asking you that because they've got this new make -up

you know, here, and I'm not sure whether she's caught the Ronnie Corbett look,

you know.

Now, you must realize that I don't look anything like this in real life.

Good heavens, would you?

No, this is my television image. You know, a lot of us look totally different

outside the studio, honestly.

I mean, lots of you must have thought you've seen a familiar figure going into

Harrods, not knowing that that wasn't the Queen Mother, that that was Roger

Moore.

Would it surprise you to know that in real life? I am the spitting image of

Hudson The resemblance is uncanny now listen to this Listen yesterday.

I met my mother he's rather silly way of putting it because that wasn't the

first time I've met her Good heavens. I've known her for years Anyway, I met

mother on the street. You know she didn't recognize me. I said hello mother

said and then she said oh, it's Ronnie. She said I thought it was Rock Hudson

Now, she was so surprised, she nearly dropped her tray of matches.

Now, I suppose you're thinking, I suppose you're thinking, why is his

selling matches in the street?

Well, it's hardly worth opening a shop for half a dozen boxes of matches.

Anyway, she wasn't actually selling matches, you know. She was closed for

-taking.

Getting ready for the Christmas rush, I expect. Of course, my dad helps out a

bit as well. I mean, you know, I know it doesn't sound much.

Fire prevention officer for a tray of matches.

That's what he does.

No, he stands over in the doorway of C &A's with a cup of water, a starting

blocks and a fire bell.

Now, he used to stand there with a cup of sand until somebody took it away from

him and gave it to an old gentleman who had fainted.

And to be absolutely honest, if you're not feeling too well, the last thing you

need is a mouthful of sand.

And the owners of the shop, where the deceased had just bought himself a

bridesmaid's dress with yellow ribbon and kinky boots, you know, they were

very upset.

And a reputable people, a reputable firm, or reputable people, like C &As,

be a bit difficult.

C was all right.

No, he was, C was lovely.

Good as gold, he was. He said it was an accident.

But A, well, you know A. You know what A can be like.

I knew about him when I was at school.

He was always in the bathroom with B emptying the bath faster than C.

At least that's what we were led to believe at the time.

Yes, now, anyway.

Not that, no, not that.

Anyway, now he stands there ready for action with a cup of water.

which is just as good, except for last winter when it froze during a false

and loosened two of her teeth.

Though I must say my father has tried to be a success in life, you know. He lost

a lot of his money in his only, London's only driving do -it -yourself sheep

dip. Before I go any further,

and there can't be much further to go, I must correct any wrong

impression. My parents don't need to carry on like this. Not at all.

I personally allow them 20 quid a week.

I don't allow them, I pay them. You know, 20 pounds a week. Have done for

It all dates back to when I was a little baby and they sold me my first pram.

Of course, I had no money at the time. And when you're one year old, you'll

anything.

mine so much, but it wasn't even a pram. It was a basket, you know, stolen out

of a supermarket.

A quick respray and a change of wheels, and there I am at the age of one, riding

about town in a hot basket.

Anyway, we're going along one day, and Dad is pushing, you see, and I'm riding.

And he looked down at me, he said, Ron, he said, have you heard the one about

the chap in the cinema?

That's a sneaky way into the story, isn't it? Have you heard the one

And I remember this quite distinctly, because it was my birthday.

And they'd give me a very nice present.

An old bra.

And they told me it was a double -barreled catapult.

And you get back to the story.

He said, there is this chap in the cinema.

There is this chap in the cinema. He had a quaint delivery like that. He said,

there is this chap in the cinema, and he's laying across three or four seats

like this, you see.

In the cinema, you see.

Oh, that took a lot out of me.

And the manager...

Comes along and he says, now, sir, sit up nicely and watch the picture like the

others, or you have to leave.

And the chap just stares at him like that.

And makes these silly noises, you see.

And the other patrons are going, shh, shh, shh, and chuck him out.

And the manager said to him, look, my good man, you're obviously not in any

condition to enjoy the films, so I think we'll give you your money back and put

you in a taxi and send you home.

He said, now, where are you from?

And the chap said, the gallery.

Our guests for tonight, with a medley from their latest album, Jehoshaphat and

Jones.

That's what neighbors are. John and Joe are neighbors.

They live side by side.

Joe, he was a bachelor.

John, he had a bride.

They borrowed from each other just like neighbors do.

Said Joe, I'll keep two lawnmowers when only one will do.

Eat up the coffee, serve up the stew.

Put on the chair, good neighbors, me and you.

You take the golf club, I'll take the car.

What's yours is mine, bud.

We'll be right back.

I wish we had a baby, said John to his wife one day, because neighbor Joe's got

a baby carriage he wants to give away.

So they both looked under the gooseberry bush and telephoned the stork, but it

never came and it seemed a shame to take an empty pram for a walk.

John went away on a business trip while he spent a year at sea.

When he came back, he found his wife with a baby on her knee.

She said Joe brought it over one night as I lay asleep.

The store left twins at Joe's house, so he gave me one to give.

We love to come, please serve us a stew. Pull up a chair, we'll meet her near

you. You take the popcorns, I'll take the pie.

What's yours is mine, because that's what neighbors want.

Oh, hello, Lou. I'm calling you. Up on the tail of... phone to say thanks for

coming to the dance with me and letting me take you home.

I'm sorry I seem so nervous and started to stammer and sweat, but it started as

soon as I saw you and I ain't got over it yet.

I stared at your great big beautiful blue green eyes. I wondered if you

flirted with all the guys.

When you smiled, I nearly shut right out the door.

Because I've never seen such a pretty little turtle, turtle, turtle.

My turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle, all against all the time.

When I burp, burp, burp, I feel it close as I did last night.

I'll get a funny feeling in my burp, burp, burp, burp, burp, burp brain.

And I can't work in a burp, burp, burp, burp. I just got to sing again.

Jack O 'Neill, the canopy queen, that's pretty.

But she was so dumb that no matter how she tried,

when she opened her mouth, she put her foot right inside.

We knew what you meant. We knew what you meant.

We heard what you said, but we knew what you meant.

One day she went into a department store and she said to the guy,

I need some material to make a new belt.

Perhaps you can tell me where I can get felt. We knew on today. We knew on

today. We heard what she said, but we knew on today.

Lady girls and neon lights.

Lord, you made the darkness bright.

The whole day.

People stop and people stare.

They don't know that I'm not there. Some folks say that stinking

makes you blind.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Make Mary Ellen buy the old barn door. I know just what she's waiting for. Up in

the loft where the oil lamp figures.

I lost my heart and she loved the parasol.

Thank you.

that's all for this week and next week we'll be talking to a man who's such a

Puritan he won't sleep with his wife because she's a married woman and we'll

we'll have a demonstration of 16 ways of cooking cenopods by the galloping

gourmet but now now some late news from

the court in the central criminal court today a man was acquitted of a charge of

gross indecency as he'd only been indecent 143 times

Two Irishmen were apprehended today when they broke into a London bookmaker's

and lost £800.

The two men charged were Terence Finnegan, who gave his address as no

abode, and Paddy Muldoon, who went after his address, said, I live in the flat

above him.

Later... Later, Mr George Thomas was granted a divorce on the grounds of his

wife's adultery.

After the hearing, he stated, she led me a dog's life. I was fed on scraps, made

to fetch her slippers, and forced to beg for my favourite biscuit.

So when I found her in bed with the postman, I did what anyone else in my

position would have done. I bit him in the leg.

We've just heard that a soldier at Purbright was awarded the VC today for

a whole battalion of men. He shot the cook.

The Family Planning Association announced today that in Britain, 90 % of

parents are or have been on the pill.

And 85 % of them are women.

Of this 85%, 40 % are at present on it, 20 % are off it.

11 % are on it, on and off, and 12 % are off it, off and on.

9 % are off and on it, 8 % are off and off it, 7 % are off it and wish they

on it, and 3 % are on it and off it so seldom it doesn't matter.

Of the rest, 5 % are don't knows, 4 % are don't cares, 2 % are no don'ts, and

Mrs. Ivy Whizzer was disqualified for ruining her entrance form.

It's good night from me. And it's good night from him. Good night.