Original subtitles

Good evening. It's good to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. And

in a packed program tonight, we ask the question, Prince Rainier of Monaco, has

he fallen from grace?

We also consider the question, what should Scotsmen on winter sports

wear under their kilts?

And the answer is skis.

Which sounds very painful. Also, also in the show tonight, we were to have had

the dance group, the Five Foolish Virgins.

Unfortunately, however, during rehearsals, we found out that two of

really quite clever.

And the other three were down with Luke.

But first, the news.

The government have announced new plans to economise on MPs' expenses.

All MPs will be provided with transport.

Tory MPs will get chauffeur -driven cars, and the Labour MPs will be the

chauffeurs.

Yes. When floodwater filled the festival hall last night, singer Elizabeth

Schwarzkopf... escaped by floating through the doors on a wooden bench.

She was accompanied by Gerald Moore on the piano.

And there's a sensational new plan to save money on the Channel Tunnel. It'll

filled with water and you'll go through on the cross -channel ferry.

Nearer home, at a Sussex chicken farm today, 5 ,000 hens were laid off due to

unofficial stoppage.

While at a neighbouring farm, 3 ,000 eggs came out in sympathy.

Which brings us to politics.

Conservative Central Office announced today we will publish a manifesto that

will get us 5 million votes at the next election.

It's the Liberal Manifesto.

And at today's most exciting point to point, Raquel Welsh came a close second.

And later, two witch doctors, each claiming to be the world's champion at

shrinking people, decided to have a duel.

The match began in the colonial office, continued on a desktop, and ended in a

drawer.

The sketch that follows features Mr. Ronnie Corbett, who gets all his clothes

off the peg by climbing a ladder.

Are you playing golf on Tuesday?

Well, I'm not overly sure, you see, because...

Hello, Roger. How nice to see you. Hello, James.

Long time no see. I don't think you've met the little woman, have you?

Antonia, this is Roger.

Oh, how do you do?

Keep your hands to yourself.

I was only going to shake hands with her, huh?

Yes, yes, of course you were. I'm awfully sorry. Yes, what are you

What are you drinking? I have a scotch. A large scotch, please, barman. Yes, I'm

sorry. Take no notice of me. Go on, shake hands with her. Shake hands. Oh,

right. Thank you very much. How do you do? How do you do?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just couldn't help that.

I'm sorry.

I was only trying to be polite. I know you were. You see, I just get so

I get so infernally jealous. You see, anyway, never mind. You've got your

Let bygones be has -beens, eh?

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

You two haven't met before, have you? No, I don't think I've had the pleasure.

Pleasure? What do you mean, pleasure?

I was only meaning I haven't had the pleasure of meeting Antonia. Oh, I see,

see. No, I've heard a lot about her. What have you heard about her?

What's the dirty gossip, eh? What's the gossip? I've heard that she's very happy

with you, and you're very happy with her, and you're very happy together.

Yes, that's true. Yes, I'm awfully sorry. Oh, you've no idea how jealous he

He won't let another man so much as look at me.

Oh, really? Ah.

What a fascinating fire extinguisher that is.

I'm awfully sorry. This is absolutely inexcusable of me. Have another drink.

Same again, Barman, please. I didn't hurt you at all, did I? No, no, I can

feel most of my part. Oh, good, good. Because, you see, I can't bear anyone

admiring her. I mean, although I don't see why they shouldn't admire her. She's

absolutely gorgeous, isn't she?

Absolutely lovely.

Oh,

she's ugly.

Ugly. Absolutely ugly.

Good heavens.

I've seen East German termite manglers who are prettier than you are. How dare

you!

I'm sorry.

I know you didn't mean it. No, I was only saying that so they wouldn't knock

down. Actually, I think you're very lovely.

No, you're average.

You're average.

Very, very average.

I've never seen anyone who looks more average. Look, this is ridiculous.

We're grown people here behaving like children. Now, come along. Let's pull

ourselves together and bury the hatchet. Come on, you two. Kiss and make up.

Come on.

Well, I'd love to. In theory.

Only if you promise, on your honour, on Scouts' honour, not to knock me down.

Oh, I do. I promise. I promise. Absolutely. Scouts' honour. Up the

I've got to tell you, I was thrown out of the Scouts for breaking my promises.

I'm awfully sorry. Hello, James. How are you? Oh, hello.

Hello, beautiful.

Say, how about having a drink with me for a change in the next bar?

I'd love to.

Excuse us. Yes, sir. Forgive me, James. Yes, by my ears.

What about him, eh? No jealousy there, eh? He's too big, isn't he? You let him

come and take her away from you? Well, why shouldn't he? He's her husband.

Oh!

you will need wood, nail, a hammer, not too

large, but large enough to handle easily.

Something a little under three pounds is ideal.

A sheet of glass is also needed, but not until later.

Finally, the most important thing, a good strong bench to work on.

A good strong bench to work on.

And now we are ready to begin.

First, the frame.

Lay out the sides of the hut on the ground in a square.

Next, nail the planks of timber across them. This can be done quite quickly.

Having made the sides, we begin to assemble the ship, using the hammer to

that it is secure.

Now it's time for the window. Unless, of course, we decide to fix the door

first.

The window is usually fitted first.

But on the other hand, the door is easier.

It's really a matter for you to decide for yourself.

Let's say we fit the door first.

Good quality hinges should be selected and screwed firmly into place along one

edge.

This hand edge is preferable.

Now we move on to the roof.

Which should be felt all over.

angled sharply to discourage birds from settling on him.

And finally, all we

need is a window.

Your shed is now complete, and if properly looked after, should give

service for many years to come.

Good morning, sir.

Depends on you, don't it, eh?

Depends on you, whether you're wise, whether you're going to get yourself

protection cover, you know what I mean, Jack?

Go on, op it, you soppy little sissy.

Very funny man or so, you know what I mean?

Some very hard nuts about you, you know what I mean, Jack?

Go on, get out of my shop, you screaming little Nancy.

Slip us one of your weeds, there's a good boy. Beat it, Juliana.

Going to cost you a grand a month, all right.

250 quid a week and the first instalment's due today, otherwise I

little bit of bother.

A little bit of agri, you know what I mean?

My message coming through to you, Jack. I'll come through to you and meet your

little pansy of it.

500 quid a month.

Got to be sensible, are you?

your mother so, you know what I mean?

I bet you can, Snow White.

Why don't you trip off and run yourself up a nice little frock, eh?

Now look, I will.

I'm not going to be unreasonable, you know what I mean?

100 quid a month, all right.

25 quid a week, all right.

Otherwise, you might very probably lose some of your best customers.

Do you understand?

Eh? Be told, Jack. Just remember that. Be told.

Don't say you wasn't warned. You know what I mean?

Must be safer places to do your shopping than this, Grandma.

Fuzz off, you little puff.

Five for a week?

Get knotted, you fairy.

Could I have a box of matches, please?

Two pence, please.

Try and get it.

Morgie, I have come back.

Madeline.

I did not mean to. I told myself I should not, and yet I could not bear it

longer, being away from this house, from all the little things that mean so much

to me in the three short months since we first met.

I said some very bitter things to you, I know, that might require it.

Please forgive me.

I want to look after you, to cook for you, to sew for you, to clean the house

for you, to do the dishes for you.

I want to.

Oh, please, please take me back. Please.

But of course, Madeline. Since you're dawning, the old pear girl's come back.

Lovely day.

Yes.

I see Consolidated Steel is up three points.

Really? Yes.

You've been hanging there long, have you?

No, just two or three minutes, I suppose.

Yes.

Do this sort of thing often, do you?

No, this is the first time, actually.

Ah. I prefer golf myself.

It's not a hobby.

Oh, isn't it?

No, I fell from the window above.

Oh, I see.

Yes, I was just leaning out, admiring my window box up there, when my secretary,

quite unbeknownst to me, came up behind me. Oh.

She ought to have known better.

She came to me with five A -levels and a lisp.

You're jolly lucky to have a secretary who gets here on time. Mine's always

well late.

Yes, I suppose I am, really. In fact, you're jolly lucky to have called her...

of that railing as you whistled past from the top there, aren't you?

Yes. All in all, it's been a pretty lucky morning for you so far.

That's true, yes. Yes, well, that's life, I suppose.

Well, I can't stand here talking all day. I've got a lot to do. Nice to have

a little chat with you, though.

Jose?

Yes? Do you mind if I come in? I don't want to make a nuisance of myself.

Have you got an appointment?

No, no, I haven't. Oh, I'm sorry. Nobody gets in here without an appointment.

Couldn't you make an exception?

Oh, no, no. If I make an exception with you, they'll all be in here willy

-nilly. Before you know where you are, the place will be like Euston Station.

I wouldn't tell anybody.

Oh, you wouldn't have to. You wouldn't have to. It'll get around, all right.

I have to be very careful. After all, I am the managing director.

I know. I work for you in accounts.

Aykroyd, N .G.

Oh, yes. Yes, I thought I knew your face, yes.

Worked for me long, have you? Well, about five years, actually.

Hmm. I don't think I'll be with you much longer.

I shouldn't feel too badly about it.

Accounts are very overstaffed, anyway.

Yes, but I don't suppose I'd be able to give you the one -month statutory

notice. Oh, don't worry about that, old chap. I mean, I'm not a machine, am I?

Underneath this rough exterior beats a heart of pure granite.

I suppose your insurance contributions and the pensions fund are all paid up,

are they? Yes, that's true.

Oh, good.

I should imagine you've got a spot of leave coming to you, haven't you?

Yes, but I don't suppose I'll be able to use it.

No, no.

Oh, well, I'll say bon voyage, then.

I say, there's just one thing.

Yes? It's about the office party.

I wonder if you'd speak to Miss Johnson and tell her I shan't be able to make

it. Oh, of course. I hope you didn't mind my asking you. Not at all, no. I

if we're not put in this world to help people, who are we put in this world to

help? What?

Hello, Miss Johnson.

It's about Aykroyd in accounts.

I'm afraid he won't be able to come to the office party.

No, he's had to drop out.

Welcome, please, the new speaker.

Thank you.

It's really not so hard Just think about it If you just think about

it Imagine that the world outside is your home You know the whole

world is your home Then you'll be the very first to shout it

Treat the country like

I had stormed out of the room to fetch my birth certificate.

Actually, I never did find it. I'll be honest with you. When I asked my mother,

she confessed that when I was a baby, I was so ugly.

Now, I know that's hard to believe.

You'll say, oh, never, never. I was so ugly. I was so ugly that I never had a

birth certificate.

I had an invoice.

And she told me a little story about one. When she took me on a bus, the

conductor came along, you know, for the fares, and he looked at me and he said

to my mother, Mrs., he said, that's the ugliest child you said I've ever seen.

He said, a joke is a joke, but that child, he said, is frightening.

She got rather upset, you see, and started having a few tears. So she said,

the bus, I want to get off.

And the conductor said, with pleasure.

And she got off, and she takes a seat on this little seat, naturally, which is

the best place to take a seat.

Outside a public house, still crying.

With me in there, I was like... You should see them all here, all

She's still sitting there a few minutes, a few minutes, and she's making so much

noise that a man comes out of the pub and he says to her, what's the matter?

Well, see, she's so upset that she can't speak.

So he says, stay there and I'll get you a drop of something to cheer you up a

bit, you see? So he goes back into the pub and he comes out and he said, here

you are, miss, he said, I've got you a nice brandy and some nuts for the

You see, as a child, I led a very, very sheltered life. But I was fortunate that

the first school I ever went to was a pretty soft school, you know, for pretty

soft kids.

Good heavens, at St. Pansy's Primary, you could have a reign of terror with a

balloon on a stick.

Well, we were paying protection money to the brownies.

I've got a picture at home of us all sitting there like this, you know.

when I was the captain of the school embroidery team.

We were so sensitive, we were so sensitive, you know, that when the

said, ding -dong -dell, the pussy's down the well, six of us fainted.

I remember that the worst thing that could happen to you at St Pansy's was to

selected from the school football team, you know. On a good day, we used to lose

about 100 to nil.

The forwards always used to play a system, the forwards, they'd always used

play a system that if you didn't go near the ball, you couldn't get hurt.

And our goalkeeper never had a chance, never had a chance. He could only ever

get one hand to the ball, you see, because his mother would be holding the

one.

Now, the last game I ever played in was against a local team, St Margaret's. My,

they were big girls.

I think some of them had never seen a boy before, and when they ran onto the

field and caught our winger and tried to take him to pieces to see how he

worked, poor Larry Grayson's never got over it.

Anyway, that really has nothing to do with what I was going to tell you about.

What I was going to say was that while me and the au pair were up in the attic

looking through these old papers, you know, the au pair came across.

That's rather an unfortunate phrase. She came over. She had found the old

invitation, an old invitation to an old boy's annual reunion at my old school,

my senior school, the old Martin Borman Comprehensive.

Now, that was one of the most exciting evenings I can ever remember.

It all started very formally, all very formally. We all sang the school song,

Lily of Laguna.

And then the headmaster led us into three cheers for penicillin.

And one thing I shall always remember about Dr. Rackman was that if he thought

one of his pupils was emotionally disturbed, he used to sit the lad down

study and get down a great volume entitled Child Psychology and hit him on

head with it.

You could always tell the emotionally disturbed kids they had shorter necks

the others.

Anyway, this is what I was coming up to. It was at the reception of.

that I met this fantastic girl.

Beautiful face, fantastic figure.

I said, can I buy you a drink?

She said, no, thank you. I don't drink.

I said, smoke?

She said, no, thank you. I don't.

I said, can I take you home? She said, yes, please.

So we get to a house about ten minutes later and we're standing in the doorway.

I said, you are the most wonderful girl I've ever met. You don't drink or smoke.

You're beautiful, wonderful sense of humor, intelligent.

She said to me, yes, she said, I am also very passionate, she said.

Would you like to come in?

Well, she opened the front door and there, lying in the hall, was a dead

I said, what's that?

She said, I never said I was tidy, did I?

Is your bag it, sir?

Ah, yes, yes.

Anything to declare?

No. Any watches?

No, no, no, no watches.

What, sir?

Thank you.

Please yourself.

Now, have you made any of the following purchases abroad?

Open -toed wading boots?

No. Musical trusses?

Nude photographs of Reginald Bozenkic?

Gas -operated pastic polishes?

Here's your whiskey records.

Individuals tend to pot pies.

Comments of the Marquis de Sade book of party games.

Watches. No, no, I haven't got anything like that.

Really? What have you got in there?

In the trunk? In the trunk, sir.

What have you got in there? Crumpets.

Crumpets? Crumpets.

It's full of crumpets.

Hundreds and hundreds of crumpets. That's what's in there.

Crumpets.

Why have you got a trunk full of crumpets?

Because I crumpet mad.

That's a bit too glib for my liking, sir.

The key, please.

Is that the right key?

The right key, yes.

Hello?

I thought you said you didn't have any watches, sir?

What's that?

My dear Aunt Augusta, here I am once again in Oxford.

That city of dreaming spires and lost causes, nestling as it does under the

protective wing of the Don and the Dean, and the ones in between.

There's too many of those about the place.

I thought you might like a letter from the dear old city, especially since it

written in the fair hand of your loving nephew, Jason King.

I am up here to be made an honorary doctor of philosophy for my services to

mankind, and more especially, womankind.

I've recently met a charming girl called Angela Fitz Upton.

I know her father.

I've taken her on the river and generally seen quite a lot of her.

She has 9 O levels, 5 A levels, and is interesting on several other levels as

well.

My curiosity was really aroused, however, when she told me that she was a

vaulter.

She certainly knows how to handle a punt pole.

Yes, I have to report that dear old Oxford remains a haven of peace in the

of a troubled society.

It's even time for an afternoon snooze.

How ghastly.

You're wearing the same shoes.

You are the famous literary giant and detective story writer, Miss

I must say, you make delicious fruitcake.

In fact, all round, you're rather an accomplished woman.

Never mind my accomplishments, Mr. King. What about the body?

Well, I must say, there's room for a little improvement there.

Not my body, Mr. King. I'm talking about the body of the young man that was

found floating in the river. In the punt on the river? Well, it's the same

thing. It isn't? You try it.

The point is, what did you find out about him? Well, according to the local

people at the cop shop, they tell me that he was a very brilliant young don

named Alistair Tyson.

Young Tyson.

Golly Moses, I knew him.

Was he murdered?

Before I answer that question, may I make an impertinent suggestion?

I'm all ears.

No, that wasn't it.

It's just that the police have asked me... Only to discuss this with most

reliable people.

Now, you won't let it go any further, will you, either of you, even under

pressure? Oh, don't worry. I can be as tough as the next man.

More so, I should wonder.

You don't have to worry your little head about me.

So it seems you've got your hand on Angela's knee.

And I'm quite sure Angela won't let it go any further, will you, my dear?

I'm damn sure she won't.

But I shall tell you, yes, he was murdered, poisoned with deadly

God, Professor Hacks!

Who? Professor Robotany, S -A -X.

Could it be, I wonder?

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're driving at. I know that he once

threatened to kill young Titan at a party. The Professor, you see, was a

amateur conjurer. And he had this wonderfully glamorous assistant called

Juanita. They used to perform together at parties. I bet you enjoyed that.

Yes, it was marvellous. She was such an attractive girl. They did wonderful

tricks. They used to saw each other in half, you know. Oh, yes.

And then, quite suddenly, she disappeared.

followed quite closely by him.

Really? I've never seen that done before.

That must have gone down well with the audience. It wasn't a trick. It wasn't a

trick. I mean, they disappeared from Oxford.

No one saw them again, either of them. But I do know that young Tyson was

amorous advances to the glamorous young Juanita, and the professor didn't like

it one little bit.

Then I would say Sax is our man.

Re -emerge from retirement to perform one final trick. Well, if he is back,

someone must have seen him. I mean, he's terribly well known in Oxford.

Ask anyone.

That, my dear lady, is precisely what I intend to do.

Ask everyone.

I don't follow you.

No, and I'd rather you didn't.

I think I speak for Angela as well.

We shall carry out the survey.

I'm looking for someone who knows something about sex.

I wonder if you can help me. I'm looking for sex.

I'm so

glad

we chose to eat here, you know.

I've got an enormous penchant for this sort of thing.

I know, you just dropped fried rice down it.

I must say, you know, that my studies last night did prove to be rather more

worthwhile than I thought.

Studies? What form of studies?

History, geography, and furniture removal.

Furniture removal isn't a study. Oh, but it is, and a very fascinating one.

A chap from Pickford informed me that no furniture had been either moved in or

out of a certain flat for some 30 years.

History led me to an estate agent who furnished me with the information that a

certain flat had been, and still was, owned by a certain Professor Sachs. It

adds up to something rather fishy.

It's codfish.

No, it isn't codfish. Look, I... I think you're to keep your nose out of other

people's stories.

Damn impertinence.

My club's full of people like him. Yeah? Which club is that? The Chinese Waiters

Club, do you know?

It did not take me long to locate the address.

49 Wilson Street. Your address, Professor Sachs.

Don't move, we've got you covered with a gun strapped to Angela's thigh.

All that talk about the attractive one -eater and the fact that you've been

ogling Angela all this time. No wonder you're attracted to women. You're a man.

Damn you, King. I have a number of questions I want to ask you. Then I'm

they'll have to wait. Don't try and stop me leaving, Mr. King. I have two bullet

-firing revolver mechanisms fitted into the cups of my false bra.

You've got a couple of .38s pointing right at you.

It won't work. I took the precaution of frisking you as I removed your cloak at

the entrance.

I felt nothing.

Neither did I.

Apart from a cherry wood pipe.

pocket of your bloomers.

Still leaves the pistol stuck to Angela's thigh. Now it's my turn to call

bluff, King.

Oh, yes? What do you mean by thing that? I've had my hand on her thigh all

through dinner.

Angela, you turncoat.

My dear Aunt Augusta, the sequel to my last letter has yet to emerge.

The professor hasn't been found.

Perhaps he made off into the bushes, or perhaps the Chinese meal weighed a

little too heavily on him.

In any event, I'm still enjoying my stay here at Oxford.

I've ditched that terrible girl, Angela, as she didn't seem to know whose side

she was on.

Are you sure it was her father you knew, and not her mother?

This new girl is much more me, except that she expects me to do all the work.

She's also six foot tall, which means that I shall be kept very much on my

that's all for this week. Next week, we'll be reviewing three fascinating sex

books from India, the Karma Sutra, the More Excited Sutra, and the Absolutely

Frantic Sutra.

After that, a man from Uddersfield will be giving a talk on udders, a

man from Leghorn will talk about legs, a man from Wigan about wigs, and a lady

from Titfield will show us her lanterns.

The government announced today that in future, all words spoken on television

will be subject to VAT.

This means that a lot of words will have to be 10 % shorter.

Now, here is tomorrow's news.

Hermadge the Quay and the Blackaday are to fly to Frank tomorrow to visit Press

Pomp and his wife, Mad Pomp.

Meanwhile, at Cow, In the Isle of Wig, the cow -yack race was won

by the prim mini Mr. Heat.

And at Westminster, Mr.

Eno Poe left the hoe of par, saying he couldn't stay for an all

-nig sitting.

Good night from me and good night from him. Good night.