Original subtitles

Well, good evening. Nice to be with you again, Mr. O 'Connor. Isn't it?

More than a hundred policemen searching for stolen jewellery have been dragging

stains reservoir all day.

At six o 'clock tonight, they gave up. Said as police spokesman, we dragged it

as far as Tower Bridge and it fell in the river.

The Industrial Relations Board is investigating complaints at a works

Solihull. Apparently, the food is so bad that the men are striking for shorter

dinner breaks.

And an executive with a toothpaste manufacturing company was divorced by

wife today on the grounds of cruelty. She claimed he kept squeezing her at the

wrong end.

And at Pinewood today, a stuntman fell 60 feet and landed on Raquel

Welsh.

His condition is described as extremely comfortable.

While in London today, there was a mix -up between a protest march of

steeplejacks and a demonstration given by organ grinders.

Police arrested 12 men for grinding steeples and 17 men for jacking organs.

There was a record number of births in Kilburn this week.

Apparently, it was all due to the Irish sweep.

But he's now moved to Camden Town.

thieves broke into the house of Mr Harold Wilson last night.

Mr Wilson said the men had taken much valuable property, but in a sense

at all.

He said the objects taken were of great sentimental value, or to put it another

way, of no value whatsoever.

He later said that even if his house had been broken into, this did not

necessarily mean that a break -in had taken place.

He later left the police station by the front and back door.

And in the Beaujolais district of France this week, a grape -treader was sacked

by his vineyard for sitting down on the job.

What a terrible vintage that must have been.

Following the statement of Adam Faith that he will no longer play the role of

Budgie because he doesn't wish to be typecast, Christopher Plummer will play

more plumbers, Stanley Baker will play no more bakers, and Peter O'Toole is

giving up the business altogether.

And now, the sketch.

In this sketch, there are three hidden objects.

See if you can spot them. They are a pair of scissors, a ball of string, and

Ronnie Corbett.

George.

George Harris.

Good heavens.

Hello, Arthur.

Hi. I haven't seen you for ages.

Been hearing a lot about you, then.

Oh, good.

Still, I suppose one shouldn't believe everything one hears.

What?

What have you been hearing about me?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

One just has to be a little careful who one listens to, I suppose.

Have you been hearing rumours about me or something?

No, not a word, not a bit.

Disgusting, I call it.

You have been hearing rumours about me. No, no, I just heard a rumour that...

had been rumours.

What rumours?

Well, that, um, well, that you know, uh, that you lead, uh, you know, um, a fool

life.

That, uh, you and your wife, uh, and friends, and their wife, um,

uh, get together and, uh, have fun.

What, me?

Me? Go in for all that, you know?

Well, well, I...

George, goodness me, not George. That's a good one, I said.

George, I said, too moral to swap a stamp.

Oh, good.

Because I had been thinking it would be rather nice if you and your wife would

come round one evening.

Oh, uh... Oh, uh... I'm afraid I've forgot my diary. No, I mean, I've got my

diary.

I'm afraid we shan't be able to make that.

Because, um...

Just looking in here. Tomorrow evening, we're having dinner with the full moons.

And the next night, blast it. We've got lighting up time.

Then, I'm afraid, we're chock -a -block full, right up to the London Underground

map.

I wouldn't want to spoil your dinner with the full moon, I'm sure.

I mean, don't think we don't want to come, God. We want to come.

Oh, yes, I'm sure. A little top -up. Oh, thanks very much.

It's just unfortunate and rotten bad luck that you've got lighting up time, I

suppose. Absolutely rotten, yes. Yes, yes.

I say, um, isn't that your wife over there?

No, no, no, no, that isn't her. That's someone else.

Hello, darling.

Oh, that one, yes, that one is my wife, yes.

I thought you meant the standard lamp.

No, no.

Excuse me, it couldn't be, no, no.

She's, uh, she's very attractive, isn't she? Isn't she, yes, isn't she? Yes,

very attractive. Isn't she, yes.

High word. Very, very, very attractive.

Yes. Huh?

Woof. What? Woof.

Isn't she? Well, she's not actually. She's really, she's quite plain, really,

and rather frumpy.

You do, don't you? You do. You do, don't you? What? You do think I'm trying to

get you and your wife to, you know. Oh, goodness me, surely you don't think,

goodness me, you don't think I'm that, surely, any more than I think that

that. No, no, no.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that you don't go out to dinner with anyone any more.

Oh, we do that.

Oh, yes, we do do that.

It's just that we don't do the other.

Well, look, why don't you come round tonight, bring your wife, and we can all

get together for a bite?

Well, I don't think so, because my wife's got something in the oven. Oh,

I say, congratulations, doesn't show, does it?

No, no, not that oven, the other oven, the electric oven.

You know, it's funny, back there when you said about, you know, that you

you know, I began to believe that what they're all saying about you might be

true.

Absolutely, yes. What?

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

No, no, what? No, no, I don't believe a word of it. Believe what? No, I stood up

for you, Arthur. Oh, yes, I said, I said, how can he be? How can he be, I

He's married.

What? He's married. I mean, you're married. I mean, I know a lot of them

married, but I mean, you're not. I mean, you are married, but you're not one of

them. One of them. You're not one of them.

Or one of them, I suppose. No, I mean, what I mean is, you've got three

children, haven't you? And then some of them have four or five children. I mean,

it's nothing... Look,

I mean, put it this way.

How are the roses?

Surely you don't think I'm that any more than I think that you're that.

No, no, no, no, I don't. No, of course I don't. No, no. Never entered my head.

Oh, good, because it's been nice meeting you, Lyle.

Yes, you know. I mean, we used to be such good friends. I mean, I don't

know why we don't see more of each other than we probably used to. What are you

doing? What?

What? What are you doing?

Oh, come on.

Surely you don't think that I'm, uh, you know, eh?

Any more than I think that you're, uh, you know.

I mean, it's all a lot of you know, isn't it? Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I'm sorry. Of course it is. Yes, you can put your arm round me if you

Thank you very much, but, you know, it's all right. Oh, all right.

It's silly, isn't it, listening to all these rumours? I know, not more.

Nothing in them. Yes, thanks very much. Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.

Yes, it's stupid, really.

Cheers. Cheers.

But if you are thinking of doing any wife swapping, can we join in? Of course

you can, you old poof. Why don't you see us?

Some sleepless night.

If you should find yourself alone.

Let me be the one you run to.

Let me be the one you come to when you need someone to turn to.

Let me be the one you run to.

But I...

Let me be.

Let me be the one Let me be the one you run to

Let me be the one you come to Let me be the one you run to

Let me be the one you come to When you need someone to thank you

Let me be the one

As all the other teachers have got hay fever, and as so many of the students

on holiday, we've got all the classes together tonight.

And I'm going to speak to you about mathematics and cooking and physical

training. And the highway code with particular application to weightlifting

expecting mothers.

Bonsoir. Now, there's nothing... There's nothing really difficult about French,

German, Dutch or Italian, so let's get straight on with making the pancake.

Take the egg, lays off, and break into a bowl, or in case you're a music

student, of course, you break into a sock.

Now, this here is an egg whisk, or for German students, this is an egg whisk.

And for the weightlifters... Now, we take some flour,

plain flour for the weightlifters, and for the rest of you, self -raising.

We pour the flour into the bowl like that, and raise the other three packets

a row, just like that.

So much for flower arrangement.

Now, a table, and for the mathematicians, a log table, and

for the carpenters, split the logs down the middle and add salt to taste, and

the pancake is ready. And if you've got one in the oven, good luck to you.

Now, here are some completed pancakes, and as I understand from the principal,

we've got a load of old cobblers in here tonight, I have brought along a shoe.

Now, how to sew a shoe.

First, apply a little treacle to the shoe like that. Spread over the sole of

shoe like that. And then place the pancake on the shoe like that. And cut

the side like that.

There we are.

That's the way to do it.

Voila. Caput. Oh, mamma mia.

Oh, sole mio.

Well, that seems to fit. And talking about how to keep fit, here's how to

nuts. Now, you take your nuts there, and you place your nuts behind your knees,

like so.

Your knees bend, like that, and you sprinkle the tasty colonel, the colonel

Oberleutnant, over the pancake, or the casserole, the gateau. And so, or in

other words, und so, we toss the pancake, calculating the wind speed in

per hour, like that.

Merde, don't cop, schwinkelpupp, or bother.

So we take the baby in the left hand, and the napkin in the right hand, and

the other hand, we wrap it around carefully like this, taking great care

stick the pin through the handle.

So we can now say... We can now say with Dr. Spock, what a beautiful frying pan

you have there. It takes after his mother.

Or in this case, his father. And so, in conclusion... And so, in conclusion,

I...

In conclusion, I think I've got hay fever as well.

In French, in German, in Japanese.

Malone, the fact detective, and his Tyler's assistant, Charlie Farley, were

tight corner.

Murders were coming at them thick and fast.

First the lady on Hampstead Heath, then the professor, and now the two old

ladies blown up in the lavatory.

Who was next for the chop?

Was it Malone himself?

No, I'm mistaken. Kidney Pie, he's the chop.

I, uh... That'll be all, Pike.

Um, what news of, uh... What news of Dr. Grist? Have you, uh, have you

questioned him?

No, he hasn't returned yet.

He was last seen leaving the house about an hour ago.

Probably on a call.

What did you discover about the professor's death?

Well, whoever stuck that knife in his back was a must -tell man.

How do you know? It said British Railways on the handle.

Surely, if he was a doctor... He wouldn't use a British railway knife.

He'd use a scalpel.

Yes, my God, you need one for that railway foot. I had a meal the other day

going up to Birmingham and... To kill the professor with.

What? The scalpel.

Exactly.

Could have given the old lady's arsenic.

With a scalpel, you mean?

In the bottle.

No.

The doctor obviously had a lot to answer for. And while the two detectives

stuffed their faces, the doctor himself was going about his normal duties in the

village.

Say ah.

Ah.

Again?

Again.

Oh, God. Yes, see.

I'm afraid, my dear, there's not an awful lot I can do for you. What you

need is a good chiropodist. Thank you, Doctor.

Now, you can get up, keep off fatty foods, cakes, and sofas.

Now, I'll see you next week.

Or I may pop round tonight.

After that, it may look better.

Brimstone 99.

Again?

Brimstone 99.

Yes, see, dear?

It's for you, Doctor.

Oh,

I'll answer it later.

I must get back to the Grange.

I have a feeling that all is not well there.

Did the doctor have some strange premonition that Malone wished to

If so, he was wrong.

Malone and Charlie weren't even within a mile of the Grange.

They were on the golf course.

Sherlock Holmes, when he wanted to think or relax, played the violin.

The large economy -sized Malone had tried this, but had been advised to give

up by a leading heart specialist who lived in the flat above.

So he had taken up golf, and now, whenever he had a tough assignment, he

play a few holes.

And Charlie was an enthusiastic spectator, knowing, as he did, that in

strange half -world of murder and suspense which Malone inhabited, golf

one thing that kept him from going mad.

Charlie, too, enjoyed the game, and though not in the same class as Malone,

still contrived to give his overweight boss a run for his money.

But the evil presence of the Grange was

nevertheless still at hand.

The gardeners, ever watchful, lurked behind every bush, silent, primitive,

by all accounts, for the most part, completely insane.

But even as another crow fell victim to Malone's deadly inaccuracy, the

beautifully busty bulk of Blanche Brimston was approaching the two second

detectives with all the grace and erotic charm of a petrol advertisement.

was short -lived.

Once again, Blanche Brimstone brought him down to earth.

It's the doctor.

Doctor? The doctor at the Grange, Dr. Grist. He's ill.

Pike found him a half an hour ago.

Where? Outside the garage.

He was in a coma.

I hate those rotten Italian cars.

He fainted, you fool.

Come on, let's go.

Where is he now?

Pike said he ought not to be moved, but the ground was so damp.

So I put him in my bed. I thought he'd be more comfortable in familiar

surroundings.

He'll probably be there before me. This horse is so damn slow.

In fact, it was the superbly streamlined Blanche who reached the house first.

...followed by an exhausted, overweight detective and a tired -out, tireless

assistant.

I don't like the look of him.

No, ugly, isn't he?

Wait outside the door, would you, Charlie? Keep guard.

Why is he smiling?

I don't know.

He would like that when I found him.

Oh, no.

What's this?

What's what?

A note pinned to his pyjama trousers.

Don't weep for me.

I died of love.

Oh, he's dead.

Certainly. He admits it.

Was he a lonely man?

Oh, no. He had loads of friends.

Mostly women.

I see.

So when he says he died of love, he doesn't mean not enough love?

On the contrary.

He probably means too much of it.

Lucky swine. No wonder he's smiling.

Here. Just a minute.

He's wearing my pyjamas.

Yes. Well, it was all I could find.

Aha. So how did this note get there, then?

You must have pinned it there yourself.

Listen, what's been going on with you and the doctor, eh, Miss Brimston?

What really went on? Did he really die of love?

You're sure you want to know?

Very well.

he could chew?

What was worse, had he brought another pair of pyjamas?

Or would Blanche creep into his bedroom and do for him what she had done for the

doctor? One thing was certain.

There would be very little sleep for Malone that night.

Excuse me for interrupting you. Yes, yes.

This doctor, I've not been to him before.

Is he a specialist?

Oh, yes, yes, indeed, yes. He specializes in everything.

Oh, really?

Tell me, is he expensive?

Well, he is and he isn't. I mean, he charges you 100 guineas for your first

visit. 100 guineas?

Yes, yes, but after that, all your other visits are free.

Forever. What do you mean? No matter how many times you come and see him, he

doesn't charge you a penny?

No, not after the first time, no. Oh, really?

That's interesting. Mr. Greenbaum, tea. Oh, thank you very much.

Hello, Doctor. Here I am again.

I passed by her window.

I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind.

She was my woman.

As she deceived me, I watched and went out of my mind.

I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door.

She stood there laughing.

I felt the knife in my hand and she left no more.

Well, tonight I was going to play this, the violin.

Actually, this is a very beautiful thing, this.

It's an old gypsy violin, this, made by the gypsies, out of old clothes pegs.

And they say it brings you luck, you know, if you drop money into a gypsy

violin, so one of the attendants will pass it round during the next sketch.

Now, this is a...

I don't know whether to whip it or play it. This is actually a lovely

instrument, this, and it was given to me by my grandfather, Gladys Corbett.

He worked for 20 years in a hormone factory.

And I'll never forget, I'll never forget the day he gave me this.

I mean, he looked up to me and he said, Ron.

No, he was really tiny, my granddad, really tiny.

He was one of the few people who'd ever been up a vacuum cleaner.

And I'll never forget his face.

I'll never forget his face. He was a lot younger then, and he bore an amazing

resemblance to Shirley Temple.

Anyway, he looked up to me. He looked up to me, and he said something which led

me to spect. He knew, led me to spect. Led me to suspect, rather than spect.

He led me to spect.

He very led me to suspect anything.

But he did very often lead me to suspect things.

He said something which led me to suspect that he knew very little about

Or, for that matter, elocution. No, he led me to suspect... He

knew... And he hands it down to me. Now, he led me to suspect that he knew very

little about music. He said to me, I'm going to give you this as a present.

what I've got for you, he said. A piano.

So for years, for years after that, I didn't know I couldn't play the violin.

I thought I couldn't play the piano.

Now, by the way, if any of this is confusing, you stop me and I'll start

Now, I started to learn this. I learned actually the violin, believe it or not,

by correspondence course.

I had a hundred lessons, but I only ever actually received the first two.

Now, I'm not accusing anybody, but it's rather strange that our postman is now

working under the name of Yehudi Menuhin.

And it's very suspicious that Yehudi Menuhin can play every classical violin

piece ever written, but he can't play... Because that was the first two lessons.

Now, you listen to him sometime.

Absolutely faultless he is until he comes to... Then he goes to pieces.

Now, after all this hard work, after all the hard work I put into practising the

violin, I had to give it up in the end because I was getting the terrible

ringing in my ears.

And let's face it, this is bad enough, but when you get the ringing in your

at the same time, it's bloody awful.

Now, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, it used to go. I used to wake my wife

up in the middle of the night and say, go downstairs and answer the phone. And

she used to get very upset because we lived in a bungalow at the time.

She used to jump out of the bed and go to run downstairs and bang her face on

the floor.

So I went to see our local doctor.

Now, he's a great character, this local doctor. Straight out of Dr.

Finlay's casebook.

He dresses like Barbara Mullen.

So I told him, I told him about this ringing in my ears, and he said, oh, I

don't think it's any serious, I don't think there's anything to worry about.

He said, but if it starts spreading, let me know.

So as chance would have it, the very... That's the second time Fife Robertson's

been on tonight.

As chance would have it... The very next day, I happened to go into one of the

shops round about here to buy some new clothes. Well, for goodness sake, you

can't walk about like this all the time.

So I went over to the shirt counter and I said, excuse me, excuse me. Well,

actually, I tell a lie. I didn't have the violence. I gesture with a bare

Excuse me, excuse me. I'd like to buy some shirts.

Perhaps he'd have come quicker if I'd gone, excuse me, excuse me.

I said, excuse me.

Excuse me, laughing, it's the first time I've heard that bit.

Hands have been out there a rather long time. Excuse me, I said, I'd like to buy

some shirts. And he said, and this is the exciting bit, he said, yes, sir, a

neck. I said, no, 14 and a half. He said, no, sir, I'm sorry, you're a 15

I said, I'm a 14 and a half and always have been.

He said, do you get ringing in the ears? I said, yes. He said, you want a 15

neck.

Throughout theatrical history, there have been many different versions of

Bizet's famous opera, Carmen. The Hot Carmen, the Rock Carmen, Carmen Jones,

now the ultimate version, the Cockney Carmen. Ladies and gentlemen, we present

Shooting Carmen.

I'm an advertising executive and this is my board of trades. When you need some

cash or a cheque, you give my boss a buzz and you're made. How do you do,

Montague, Joe, Jack and Jeremy?

I need someone to love and take care of me.

You won't get nothing here.

No, it's melancholy. Yes, it ain't very jolly when you can't get a dolly

anywhere.

Nobody sweeter than the fair senorita serving char at the bar over there.

She's quite a raver with the charms nature gave her. All the cab drivers

her for the fair.

Though every cabbie says her stall's rather shabby, it's a lovely pull -up

carmen. Nobody sweeter

than the fair senorita serving char at the bar over there.

I need a bite.

Here, who are you?

I'm Lucky Jim. I went to Ascot, put my money on a shirt, and I've just

lost my shirt.

I'm Jimmy White, the rich millionaire.

I've come down here to find a little piece tonight.

A flat first on the road.

I need a dish of tea and crumpets too.

You keep your beady eyes off, mate.

I saw her first.

I don't know what you mean, I'm sure.

All I'm wanting is something tasty to keep me going till I get home. I know

you want, mate.

And Carmen, I'm on the menu, right?

May I look at your rock cakes, please?

Cake, cake, oh, cry the bread, damn cheese.

May I glance at your plucked boots, your... What's your... language she's

for. May I sample your softened rules?

Who do I leave off for? I'll lose control.

May I toy with your tar bulldoze?

Here, I'll punch you right up the throat.

There's a witch.

Who is this twit? A millionaire who's merely passing through.

It's hot here.

It's plain to see.

Get off, it's me what she's referring to.

Up and fight, you rotten little pest.

Then toe to toe, stand nose to chest.

I know just what you want with Carmen's curve.

To make tootin' come in a whole day.

Now it's goodnight from Butler and Ernie.

Later tonight, I'll strip the gym.

You must admire her effrontery.

Yes, it's one in the eye for me.

Well, that's it for this week. Next week we'll be asking what makes Ron moody,

what makes Jack wild, why Barbara Castle is tickled by Vic Feather, and why

Violet Carson won't perform without the aid of a net.

We'll be talking to a man from Kuwait who has bred an ostrich with a corkscrew

head. You give it a fright and it drills for oil.

And here is some late news. Britain's first pregnant man complained tonight

about his treatment by the press. He said, all this publicity makes me sick,

especially in the morning.

And finally, some sensational news from space.

American astronauts landed on Mars tonight and encountered a native of the

planet, a giant geranium with one huge eye and flippers like a seal.

When they approached it, the geranium blinked its eye, flipped its flippers,

burst into bloom, Burst into flames and perished.

Luckily, they managed to take a film of the blinking, blooming, flipping,

flaming, perishing.

And tonight, it's a good night from me.

And it's a good night from you.