Original subtitles

Good evening. Nice to be with you again, isn't it, Ronnie? Yes, it is. Very nice

indeed. Let's start with the news. A prisoner made a dramatic escape from

Wormwood Scrubs yesterday.

He only just cleared an eight -foot wall surmounted with broken glass in a

single stride.

He was recaptured this afternoon and admitted to Holloway.

I think he's in the audience.

At Ford's Hailwood plant today, a man was given a gold watch for long service

after working for 25 minutes.

And this morning, a dustman in Ealing got married.

As he was carrying his bride over the threshold, from force of habit, he

bits of her on the step.

Thor Heyerdahl set out today to cross the Pacific in a boat made entirely out

newspaper articles about himself.

And we've just heard, yes, and we've just heard that the Sunday Times colour

supplement has gone soggy in the middle, the Vegetable Growers Gazette has

sprung a leak, and the Daily Mail has shrunk out of all recognition.

A row broke out today over a large printed sign in Whitehall which reads,

Minister of Public Works.

Underneath, someone had written, no, no, he doesn't.

Tomorrow's edition of the News of the World will be brought out by a different

management. The editor's been replaced by a scoutmaster, three choirboys, and a

23 -year -old redhead called Brenda who once hitched a ride to shame.

London Transport applied for bus conductors this week. For three hours,

turned up. Then 23 came all at once.

And a man who swallowed a boomerang in Bradford was discharged from hospital

today, 27 times.

And now it's time once again to consider the state of the party.

What do you do?

I'm the world's leading authority on impressionist painting.

Oh.

I'm an accountant.

Chartered accountant.

Where do you live?

I live in a converted monastery in the Outer Hebrides.

I live in Hendon.

Is your wife here tonight?

No. As a matter of fact, she's in Vietnam.

Fighting.

Oh, really? How fascinating.

Do you know Henlon at all?

Well, I've been through it once when I was being kidnapped by Russian agents.

Where were they taking you?

They were taking me to a frigate they had moored in the Thames estuary.

Oh, really?

Well, you must have come down Old Worcester Road then, past our house.

It's just past the bars.

Now, I'm afraid I wouldn't remember, because they drugged me pretty heavily

hypotalsin metrothicane. Oh.

What does that do to you?

It completely paralyses your memory.

Does it affect your eyesight at all?

Oh, yes, it renders you totally unconscious.

Oh. Well, you wouldn't have seen our house, then.

Number 37 on the corner with the mauve paint.

You must drop in sometime.

Well, it's awfully kind of you.

Awfully kind of you, and I'm afraid I shan't be able to do that because I'm

shortly going to prison.

Oh, really?

Not anywhere in Hendon, I suppose, is it?

No, in Guatemala, as a matter of fact. Oh, nothing serious, just a little

currency offence I committed when I was over there investigating the discovery

of some man -eating cactus.

You went all the way to Guatemala just to see cactuses?

Mm. Had some rather horrifying adventures, too.

I was nearly trampled to death by a herd of stampeding rogue buffalo.

Oh, just to see cactuses.

Anyhow, I wish I'd known, because, well, they've just had a display of them at

Hendon Central Library.

You know, it's fascinating talking to you, because, well, it's not everyone

that's interested in Hendon.

I'm going to show you something now.

Do you... Have you seen one of these before?

No, I haven't.

Do you know what it is? No, I don't.

It's a Tibetan prayer shawl.

Do you know how I got hold of it? No, I don't.

It was given to me by the chief slave girl of the high commander of the

army. She was a ravishing beauty with dark hair like a raven's wings.

During the feast of Ramzi Tati...

The all -powerful god of love, when they sacrificed 10 ,000 bullocks on the

mountainside, she crept into my tent. She filled it with a delicious

Her tribal robes slipped from her shoulder and her dark hair cascaded over

pale skin.

And she climbed into my bed.

Really?

She came from Hendon.

Have no combs. Heave away, haul away. Comb their hair with catfish bones and

we're bound for Australia.

Stretch your backs and haul away.

Heave away, haul away.

We'll make pot and take our pay and we're bound for Australia.

Heave away, my bully, bully boys. Heave away, heave away.

Heave away and don't you make a noise and we're bound for Australia.

Bully, bully, boys, heave away, heave away, heave away, and don't you make a

noise, am I bound for Australia?

Spring is a -comin' and soon I'll be gone. But I'll come back, don't you

cry, my dear Marianne.

Oh, don't you see the pretty turtle dove that flies from pine

to pine?

The lobster dies in a boiling pot. Oh, pity the bluefish too.

Yet they're quickly gone and they suffer not. Like the hake I bear

for you, my dear Mary. Ten thousand miles away from home.

Ten thousand miles or more.

to thee, Marianne.

Fare thee well, my dear Marianne. Our days have all gone

by.

Spring is a -coming and soon I'll be gone.

But I'll come back, don't you cry.

you cry, my dear Mary

Ann.

Compose the toast to the bride and groom.

These two young people are the full flower of our love.

I know... I know that Arthur has made a good father. Will make a good

father.

Has the past three months, the next six months, the future.

Your show.

He brings to us love, respect.

and an income of six thousand, an income with which to support her. And he has

already shown that he can put her in the family way.

The family way of life to which she is being accustomed.

And we drink to Arthur, as he's always drunk, to us.

And my lady wife and myself consider ourselves well rid of any fears

we may have had in the past.

Ever since our Alice brought him home, he's had it away.

He's had it away.

He's had it away with him, which has endeared himself to us.

I'm so glad he's agreed to marry Alice, as she was expecting him to.

young people, all with all the birds, all with all the birds of parent,

married, married life.

She's absolutely full of hope.

And I'm sure it'll come out all right.

And him, him, known, known and reviled, revered in the neighborhood, a man as

substance than lechery, lechery, lechery, lecturing at the college this

And that's not all.

May we raise our glasses for much success to offer with the bridesmaid. As

ambulance,

as the car waits to rush her to the maternity, to their maternal home.

In conclusion, your mother and I wish you a happy and secret honeymoon.

May you thoroughly enjoy your confinement.

In the previous chapter, dear long -suffering reader, I recounted my

at Doomsday Hall and how I fell into the clutches of Lord Doomsday and his evil

butler, my escape from certain death, and my chance meeting with Mr. Samuel

Goldberg from the United States of America.

Little did I know that within the week I would be bound for the New World to

take part in Mr. Goldberg's latest cinematograph production, which was to

the famous Donald Fairchild, Jr.

And what a strange, bustling world it was.

I had hardly time to breathe before I was put to work as a slave girl in the

orgy scene of a film called Belshazzar's Feet.

Most of me, however, finished up on the cutting room floor.

Well, that's about it, Henrietta.

What do you think? Weren't you great?

Well, you didn't... You see very much of me, Mr. Goldberg. I wouldn't say that,

honey. I thought we saw plenty of you.

Well, got you in the studio. At least you know now what a lot looks like. Yep,

sure do.

Pay no attention, Henrietta. The bum's nuts.

I'll go get that contract. Sooner we get you signed up, the better.

So now you're an actress, Henrietta, we ought to celebrate.

What say you have dinner with me tonight, eh?

Wonderful. All right, seven o 'clock at your place. And remember, don't put too

much salt in the potatoes, eh? Oh, dear, but what... Mr.

Goldberg would mind. Who, Sam? No, he always has dinner about six o 'clock.

again about eight o 'clock and then ten o 'clock and then midnight.

Oh, dear.

No, I don't think I'd better come without him. Why not?

Two's company, three's a crowd.

Or in your case, two's a crowd.

Sit down, dear.

Sit down and take the weight off your chest.

And so, I had secured my first contract in my new career.

I was the star opposite the great Donald Fairchild, Jr.

tricks of the trade that had to be learned.

Because,

dear reader, in the world of Telluloid, things are not always what they seem.

And I'm afraid my inexperience was the cause of several minor setbacks.

little problems, Sam was extremely helpful and always remained perfectly

In fact, he more than anyone taught me many of the basic requirements of the

actress's art, including the special style of walking which is adopted when

filming.

Honey, that was fine, but you're too slow. You've got to crisp it up, move it

on, make it exciting.

You know what I mean?

I'll show you.

The very next week, we started work on the film itself.

It was to be a serial in 12 episodes, entitled The Trials of Henrietta.

You can imagine how nervous I was that first morning.

But Sam, as always, was full of confidence.

You reckon you're going to be all right, honey?

Well, I'll do my best, Sam. Sure you will, kid, sure you will. But this train

sequence could be tricky, you know.

Flowers for Miss Beckett, flowers for Miss Beckett.

I'm Miss Beckett.

Really? You surprised me.

I've been looking for you all over, and you certainly are all over.

Are these mine?

No, they're mine, but I've finished them so you can have them.

Good luck, Cleary. Do you know your part?

I hope so. I've been up all night going through the actions.

Who's the lucky guy?

Listen, lover boy, why don't you go take a shower?

I can't. The water's too cold. Well, leave your overcoat on.

Now, listen, honey.

Excuse me, Mr. Goldberg. What is it, Harry?

That girl. The one who was going to stand in for Miss Beckett in the train

sequence. She can't make it. She had an accident.

What kind of an accident? She fell off the bed and strained her back. Who's the

lucky guy?

I'm sorry, Mr. Goldberg. Why, are you in? Look, ignore this bum, Harry. Tell

I'll be out there in five minutes. Okay, Mr. Goldberg.

Home record?

What does this mean? Can't we go ahead?

Well, now, that's up to you, isn't it, Henrietta?

I mean, the crew's waiting, the camera's waiting, I'm waiting, the picture's

waiting to be made.

Now all we need is a pretty girl to go out and climb on the top of that train.

What do you say, Henrietta?

You mean me?

Oh, you don't have to do it.

There's nothing in your contract to say you've got to go out there and save the

picture. To save me from certain ruin if I don't bring the film in on schedule.

But what there is, is a public.

The great American public and each and every one of us owes a duty to them.

They're our livelihood.

They're our bread and butter. They're our coffee and donuts.

There are certain things that they need.

Things that they have come to expect in the few short years that the motion

picture industry has been in existence.

Things to dream about.

Things to lean on.

And you've got those things, Henry.

You've got them and you can't afford to hold them back. The public must be given

the benefit of those things.

You must fill the screen with them, share them with the world.

You cannot deny the people those wonderful things that you have to offer.

Because without those things, motion pictures can't survive.

Will you do it for America?

Very well, Sam.

I knew you wouldn't let me down.

I'll go tell Farnell to sit up.

Atta girl, sweetie.

Incidentally, your legs are pretty nice, too.

And so, with all too little preparation, I was plunged into that terrifying

first day of shooting.

on the film that was to make me a star.

And I must say that Donald Fairchild Jr., for all his joking off the set,

beautifully moving performance as Dick, my railroad lover.

Now the moment had arrived.

I had to climb on top of the train.

It was at this moment that I thanked heaven for Captain Pointer, my riding

instructor back in England.

It was he who had taught me the importance of gripping with the knees.

Luckily, I was not afraid of heights.

My main concern was that my hat would not blow off.

All went smoothly for a time.

Mr Fairchild, Jr., who was a marvellous athlete, boarded the train successfully.

And then, dear reader, came my first big mistake.

I could not remember which half of the train was to fall off the bridge.

Heavens! Was it the front half with the engine?

Or was it the last few coaches?

I had to make up my mind in a split second.

No, I was quite sure it was the rear coaches that would have plunged over the

bridge if it collapsed.

The engine would be safe.

I decided to stay put.

And it turned out I was wrong.

Is this finally the end of Henrietta? Can she survive certain death?

Be sure to watch next week's exciting episode of The Trials of Henrietta.

Can I

help you, sir?

Yes.

Cocktail dresses, please.

Oh, certainly, sir.

What size is your wife?

Well, it isn't for my wife. It's for me.

For you?

Yes, I'm about an 18, I think.

Anything but blue. Blue doesn't really suit me.

Yes, well, I'll just fetch the manager, sir. He'll deal with you.

No, no, it's all right. I don't need to see the manager. I'll just browse

through the frocks, if I may. I'm sorry, sir. I'm strictly forbidden to serve

gentlemen with ladies' dresses.

It's a rule of the management. Well, it's only for fancy dress.

Oh, yes, that's what they all say.

There's a lot of your sort come in here.

Mr. Bullard?

Who do you mean, my sort? I've got my orders. The manager deals with this sort

of thing. Mr.

Bullard? Yes?

There's another of these fellas here wanting a cocktail dress.

Oh, I'll attend to him. What sort of thing was it you had?

Look at you.

Thank you, Tina Charles, and good evening.

Now... Well,

it's one way of starting, isn't it? Every week, you know, every week,

of viewers write to me.

Let's be honest.

Every week, nobody writes to me.

To me, a pool's coupon is a fan letter.

I get letters addressed, to whom it may concern, from my mother.

But this morning, I did receive a fan letter.

These are actually mostly begging letters.

They belong to Ronnie Barker.

And he asked me to post them for him.

This one's rather interesting. This is a magazine that wants to do my life

story. So those of you who are still taking the North Scottish Ironmonger and

Fifeshire Foundryman are in for a rare treat.

And here is a summons my wife got last week for parking on the pavement.

Actually, she didn't park on the pavement. She was overtaking a bus on

side and she ran out of petrol.

I can't find the letter I'm looking for, actually, but I do remember one of the

more erotic passages where it said, you're always joking about your married

life. Are you really married?

Well, for heaven's sake, Chunky of North Wilsdon.

Sure. Surely you don't think I got like this on my own, do you?

No, to be serious, I have been actually, I have been very happily married for,

oh, hell of a long time.

I always say that it was a very lucky day for me when I met, um, met, um,

her name?

I, no, we actually, we actually met one day when I was watching our local

football team.

And I'll always remember my first words to Anne, Anne, that's it.

Amazing how it comes back, isn't it?

I'll always remember my first words to her.

Call yourself a bleeding goalkeeper.

A quick toilet roll on the back of the head and we'll never look back.

No, actually, we had a bad game that day. We lost 8 -0 to Guy's Hospital.

Out of patience.

I'm sure I'm going to be sorry for this all in the morning, I can tell. It was

bad enough last week because I went home.

Last week I went home.

Well, it seemed a good idea at the time. And my wife was so upset because

apparently the lady next door had a very upsetting time with the little boy. She

was listening to a little boy saying his prayers, you know, some nights ago. And

the little boy said all his prayers, and he ended up with God bless mummy, God

bless daddy, and goodbye granddad.

Well, the very next day, her 93 -year -old father dropped dead.

while playing a trial for Queen's Park Rangers.

Now, it was a bit of a blow for her and a terrible shock for Queen's Park

Rangers, I don't like that.

So they thought, we'll listen to the prayers the next night. You see, for the

next night, little boy said all his prayers and he ended up with God bless

Mummy, God bless Daddy, and goodbye, Uncle Angus.

Well, the very next day, Uncle Angus, you've guessed it, Uncle Angus is

in a vat of whiskey in a distillery.

Now, it was a very quick end.

It would have been quicker if he hadn't got out twice to go to the loo.

So he thought... So he thought, we'll listen to the prayers the third night.

You see, so the third night he says all his prayers and he ends up with God

bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.

Well, his Daddy, of course, couldn't believe it. Asked the little boy to say

prayers again in case he was ad -libbing.

No, he wasn't.

God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy. So the next morning at breakfast, the wife

said to her husband, now, be careful. All today, be particularly careful.

Remember that warning and take great care. He came back at tea time, the

husband, he said, oh, what a day I've had. He said, I've been so nervous,

frightened to cross the road, frightened to drive the car, frightened to go up

in the lift, really terrified all the time of thinking of that little voice

saying, God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.

He said to his wife, what kind of day did you have? She said, terrible.

What a shock I had this morning.

Opened the front door and there, dead on the mat, was the milkman.

Good morning. What, isn't it? Sit down.

No need to bother. Stand up. Good heavens, is that the time? By Jove, I am

busy man. Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?

Well, I understand you've come to apply for the job of assistant sales manager.

Quite right, quite correct. That's the sort of thing I want to hear. You're a

very bright lad. You keep that sort of thing up, I'll play ball with you, you

play ball with me.

Yes. Well, could I have your name, please?

Very good question.

Absolutely straight down the middle, accurate and to the point. That is the

of thinking that British business needs today. Know who you're talking to, know

what you're talking about, know what you're going to say next. That is the

of thing. That way we're going to get somewhere.

Yes. Well, could I have it then, please? Jenkins.

Ah, thank you, Mr. Jenkins.

Well, now, let me see.

Now, while you're trying to phrase that question, I will look through...

If I can find them in here, I will look through... Here they are. I will look

through and just finish the breakdown of the sales returns I've got to work on.

Can't waste too much time. Let me know when you're ready.

What... And complete.

There we are.

Oh,

you're still here. Yes.

What was it you wanted to say? What qualifications do you have, Mr.

please? Qualifications?

Oh, I think you'd better see my secretary about that, if you don't mind.

Judith? Yes, sir?

Could you bring in the qualifications, please?

Thank you.

Now, where were we?

Well, it says here in your application form that you spent six years... Ah,

thank you. Would you mind showing the qualifications to the gentleman over

there? Thank you very much. Six years in rubber wear.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

She's marvellous. I don't know where I'd be without you. No.

Sorry, you were saying? These six years you spent in rubber wear... Yes. Good

heavens. Good heavens.

Is that the time?

Yes. Yes.

These six years you spent in... I wonder if you'd mind very much if I made a

telephone call. In the rubber... Oh, all right, yes. Thank you very much. Now,

these six... Yes, carry on. These six years you spent in Rubberwell... Yes,

carry on. What exactly was your... Well, I would... Hello, excuse me. What

exactly was your position in Rubberwell? Could I speak to the mayor, please?

Could I speak to the mayor, please?

What sort of position were you in?

Six years is a long time to be in rubber wear.

I'm going to be a trifle late.

Why don't you carry on without me?

In rubber wear? Yes,

she's very well. How is your wife? What position is this? What

is your rubber wear?

Well, I'll be along then. Yes, quite, I understand. Yes, all right then. Bye

-bye. I'm awfully sorry about that. Now, I'm yours entirely now. Basically, Mr.

Jenkinson, I'm not quite convinced that you have the exact qualities... Go on.

The exact qualities that we in the textile... Excuse me a minute.

Yes, Judith?

Mr. Thompson to see you. Oh, dear. He's been waiting to see me all morning.

We'd better show him in. Show him in.

I'm not exactly... I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Would you like to have a seat, thank you?

I understand that you wish to

apply for a job.

Yes, that's right. I understand.

Do you, for instance... Just a moment.

What?

Do you have the necessary European market experience, for instance?

Oh, good heavens, yes. I was in rubber in Munich for a number of years. Yes, I

knew you were in rubber. That's what I'm trying to find out, you see. If you

were in rubber... Have you any previous shop floor experience?

Oh, yes. I spent six years in hardware.

Rubber. Rubber.

Rubber. Oh, no, you're in rubber. Now, look, quite frankly, Mr. Jameson, I

think you have the necessary qualities... Sounds very promising.

Sounds promising. Very promising. Well, look, I refuse to carry on this

interview any longer.

Well, I was also in eggs.

Ah, yes, I can see that here.

I can see that. It's going to be very useful. I'm sorry we're going to have to

rush you out a bit, because we're rather short on time, but it'd be nice to have

met you, and I hope we'll see you soon joining the firm. Thank you. Thank you

very much.

Goodbye. Look,

Mr. Jameson, quite frankly, if you're going to carry on in this manner,

only one thing I can say to you, and that's goodbye.

Goodbye. Very nice to have met you. I wish I could say the same to you, but I

can't. Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, dear.

I'll never get a job like this.

Well, it's how we do as we welcome you to the short, fat minstrel show.

Come and sing along with a minstrel song from the days of long ago.

It's got a time, chorus time, and they always aim to please.

So we shut my mouth to the grand old sound, bring you grand old songs like

these.

Oh, Raquel Welch, I love your left doodah, doodah. I sit and think of

left doodah all the day.

Is it better than the ride? It's very hard to say.

But that's the one that'll get my vote on National Doodah Day.

Oh, the sun shone down

on my old Kentucky home.

It was summer of beauty.

Breakfast on a train.

Oh, them moody kippers. Oh, them moody kippers. This revolting grub, I cried.

Take it off my plate. Oh, them moody kippers.

Oh, them moody kippers. Those remarks of mine my bride did not appreciate.

But she slashed me and she slashed me and she slashed me black and blue.

She stomped me and she knocked me and she knocked me in the loo. She strangled

me and mangled me and then before I knew...

still show to see. But a curtain time to our surprise, the show turned out to

be. Oh, Calcutta, I'm sure you won't confess.

I saw three topless waitresses walk out in disgust.

Play something on your swan.

© BF

-WATCH TV 2021

We'll be right back.

You'll find the jokes ain't funny.

plucking banjo as we say farewell to the short and fat minstrel show we'd like

to thank Weight Watchers Anonymous and Tall Girls Limited for allowing us to

their rejects for the chorus line and finally of course the man who more than

anybody is responsible for our being here tonight the conductor

I want to be

Thank you. That's all for this week.

Next week, we'll examine the row over excessive consumption of sugar at the

Football Association and ask, does it mean sweet F .A.?

And

in our series on Do It Yourself,

we'll be talking to Horace Newman, the father and mother of three children.

We'll be showing an excerpt from a new film which combines the colour of an

exotic Asian setting, the excitement of championship table tennis, plus music,

sex and horror. And it's called I Played Ping -Pong and Had a Sing -Song and a

Ding -Dong with King Kong.

And we'll be showing the highlights of a big charity ball in which well -known

personalities did the things that they liked doing most.

And Jimmy Tarbuck told some jokes, David Nixon did some magic, Val Dunican sang,

and Christopher Lee strangled a waiter.

And now, it's goodnight from me. And it's goodnight from him. Goodnight.

Goodnight.