Original subtitles

in. Pizza.

Who

the hell

has pizza for breakfast anyway?

Well, not me.

It's like a crisp.

You need to get a grip, man.

You've already left the shower running and you put your dirty pants in the

freezer. Rubbish. I just put a wash on.

Didn't? Did.

Didn't?

Oh, I'm sorry.

My mind is frazzled, you know.

25 years I've been trying to get into this Skittles final.

And now the day's arrived, I just need to zone in on it. You know, focus my

mind.

Who have you got?

It's the winner of the Cannon Valley.

They're playing now. It'll either be Tony Parrott or Benny Beard.

Is Benny Beard the one with the... The Beard, yeah.

As long as it's not Tony Parrott.

My whole rep in this valley's at stake, yeah.

That man has beaten me for 12 years on the run and he rubs my nose in front of

everyone. He is a cheat and a liar.

And he slept with your wife?

Tony Perrott slept with my wife.

I think you knew.

Everybody knew.

This is for you and Dad.

No bills before bingo jinxes me.

It's a resignation letter.

Who from?

Me. It's time to move on.

Set up on my own.

Why now?

Because I'm ready.

And Dad doesn't take me seriously.

Never has.

Rubbish. I just hope he won't be too upset, that's all.

Look, I've got a letter for you. Hey, Tony Barrett. Look, the thing is, I need

to... I'm leaving the business.

Fine. I'm off to the club.

Who have I got?

Just writing it down.

Benny Beard or Tony Parrott?

Just going to write it.

Can't you just tell me?

I have to write it. Jesus.

It's committee rules, Clint.

You write the finalist down. You don't tell people.

It's part of the surprise.

Right.

Well, do it, then.

Please don't be Tony Parrott.

Please don't be Tony Parrott.

Tony Parrott.

Glenn Tucker.

How about your pint?

I never drink before a match.

Chicken?

I don't eat before one either.

No, no. Are you chicken? Are you too chicken to have a drink with a champ?

An office?

Yeah. You've got a spare room and I'll pay.

Fine. I could do with the extra.

Just keep your distance. I'm coming down with something.

No props.

I'll just start getting my stuff in.

What stuff?

Office stuff.

I've got loads. I went to Clark and he's been on the case.

You mean on the rob?

The tax office won't miss a few tables and chairs, Nat.

You sure you're doing the right thing?

It's a big move you're about to make.

Uh -huh.

It's only next door.

I'll just bring it all round on a trolley.

You call us, yes?

Later. Now, you listen to me, good boy.

It's been three days.

I'll say what you like about her, and I will.

She got on my tits.

But no woman deserves to find out that her fiancé has been sleeping around with

his wife.

Ex -wife.

And it was once.

Once too many.

So you go and make sure she's okay.

She was broken -hearted.

She's a broken woman. So you do the decent thing. Okay, fine.

Fine. I'll call her now.

Hiya.

Hiya, Nan.

I just pinned down Kerry Flowers and I told her there is no way I want a blue

bouquet.

the napkins are blue and she's convincing me blue roses. I was like, I

a smurf.

Anyway, I've organised a sample menu taster tomorrow at the manor, but I'll

Bobby for that.

Coffee? Coffee, Bob? I'd want cupcakes.

Create the name, create the brand.

Edda, for who's that?

She had it. Oh, put it in there.

Can you put it in there?

In future, you'll be having it over your head.

Hey, it's nice in here.

Look at the posters.

Proper professional.

Yeah, I'm trying to think of a name for the new business.

Big Billy's?

Big Bill?

Big Bill's Bit?

This is trigaric, Billy.

People don't like show -offs.

To Garrick Enterprises, CEO Billy Tucker speaking.

Thank you, Peter.

Martini and lemonade.

No ice?

Correct.

To the final.

Cut this, Mum.

I know I hear you.

It's time to put me off.

Why would I need to do that? You've lost to me for the last 13 years.

12. I was counting this evening.

Look at this.

County champion's jacket, only to be worn by reigning champs.

You ever worn it, Glyn? No, he hasn't. Thank you, Melvin.

I can ask my own questions. Thank you very much.

No, I haven't.

What's your point?

My point is, I've not had to hand this over for five years.

And I'm so confident about tonight, I got my lover to throw something on the

inside. What does that say?

Cotton traded.

Next to that, my name.

Afraid you'll get lost, is she?

Want to put your hand in? Touch the cloth?

Feel the quality?

It's the closest you'll ever get to wearing it.

I found out this morning that you slept with my ex -wife.

That was yonks ago.

I never knew.

Everyone knew.

I didn't.

Melvin didn't. Yeah, I knew.

Jesus. So?

So? This is personal, man. Always personal to me.

Because I'm a winner. Oh.

See these badges here?

What do they say?

Winner.

See this chain?

What does it say?

Ticket. Wrong. Money.

Look at you.

Look at your clothes.

Look at your sandals. Look at your face.

What does that say?

No scrapping the bar.

We had the floors mopped last week. Calm down, Tonto.

Says you're a loser. Because that's what you are, Glenn. Always have been.

Always will be. A loser.

Now, I've got something to show you.

Follow me.

She's acting like nothing's happened.

It's like she can't remember anything.

You know what she is, don't you?

Thick. No.

She's in denial.

She can't accept it. You two are over.

I don't want to marry her, Nan. Well, you've got to tell her.

And make sure it's good and clear.

What's good and clear?

The weather this afternoon.

Well, we don't want to marry you.

I'll leave you to it.

There she is.

Brand new, not a lease.

And all mine.

All from side bets that I placed on myself.

Now, what are you driving at the moment, Glenn? It's still that old Golf, isn't

it? Something else.

Something better.

Look at you.

You don't have to do this, Glenn.

Do yourself a favour, yeah?

Don't show up tonight.

Save yourself the embarrassment.

If you concede now, you can save all that pain.

Never. I will show tonight.

And I will beat you. And I will ruin your rep and rub your face in it.

you were nothing but a bragger and a bullshitter and a bully.

Want to bet on it?

Any day.

Well, shall we say 200 pounds?

200? Why, you're going to win, aren't you? What is that, your chicken?

300.

Whoa, they clean. 400.

500. Tell you what, you win, I give you 500.

I win, you give me that van of yours.

I don't think it's worth that, to be honest. Are you still here? Deal.

Fine.

It's a bet.

You like that?

Wibble wobble, wibble wobble, jelly on a thing.

Nice wheels, Glenn, eh?

Swartzy. What's your speed now?

Wide load approaching.

Right.

Sorry to bother you, Don.

Maybe next time, eh?

Lash, we are not getting married.

What if I promise you, if you go through with the ceremony, then I'll keep out

of your way after we're married.

What? I'll go in a different room and I won't talk to you.

Just like my mum and dad.

I'm really sorry, Lash.

I don't love you.

We're over.

You just made a big mistake, Bobby Tucker.

You will regret this.

Forever.

Billy Tucker.

Yeah, listen. I was just wondering if you wanted any stuff shipped into the

yard. No, I got all the clocks by and I haven't.

All right.

Yeah, the Tucker's already doing their round.

OK.

Sorry.

Bye, then.

The next ball that hits my bog will be removed from your rectum.

Simon, I've got to practice.

I'm warning you.

I'm in the county final tonight.

So? I got Tony Parrott. So?

He slept with my wife.

We all know that. Anyway,

I've got to practice.

I've sort of had a bet with him.

What sort of bet?

What have you done, Glenn?

How about the van?

You useless sack of...

Derek?

Billy Tucker.

Look. Look, I know the Tuckers already do that round, but... Yeah, they won't

have a van or tow bike tomorrow.

Yeah.

Seriously.

One more time.

Right, concentrate now. On the target.

Zone in.

And boom.

Oh, see, nothing.

I can't. It's useless.

Look at me. I'm shaking. I'm shaking like a pregnant nun, yeah?

He's got inside me. He's got inside my head. Can you hear him? He's there like

bug. Then just pull out.

Never.

I will never pull out.

Ill, you say?

Yeah.

Trouble below.

Cacanet, are you?

Doctor's orders.

I've just been told I'm not allowed to bend down for at least a month.

One of my piles has just popped.

Apparently it's like a space opera down there.

I think there was a section on ill health. Oh, good.

Here we go.

Let me see.

Yes.

There's a way you can pull out.

Oh, thank God for that.

If you're dead.

Eh? You dead, Clint?

No. See you at 6am.

Don't remember.

You're an attacker.

You don't have to be afraid of him. What do you think about him, Dad? What do

you think about him? You bring him home.

I ain't a tiger.

Come on, then. You got it, Dad. You can do it. You'll get it, Dad.

Come on.

You can do it.

It's all you, Dad. You got this. Come on. Hey, bring it home. Come on, now.

Bring it home, Dad. Don't be crazy.

Get in there.

Yeah, we've got Snowball's chance for now.

We come to the main bout of the evening.

The county final.

From Anasabul, holder of the green jacket and still

undefeated county champion, Tony.

And in the final for the first time, totally unexpected and certainly not the

favourite, from Tree Garrick itself, it's the ten -ton pin,

the gump with the ramp, it's Big Glenn Tucker!

Silence,

please. End one.

Tony, two.

Bowl first.

Show him what you're made of.

Go on. Go on, Dad.

Nothing.

Never mind.

It's not where you're at.

It's not where you've been.

The bar is open.

Thank you.

Good effort, Dad.

Keep going.

Well done, boy.

He's playing chickeny. He's a disgrace.

Look at them there, Glenn, hey?

Grinning like idiots while I whip your arse.

That's the problem with the Tuckers, isn't it?

Thick as cool custard.

Hey, you keep my family out of this, all right?

Oh, that's it. Aye, off you go.

Back away, chicken.

All right, Glenn?

Oh, jeez.

What are you doing here?

Find out who's winning.

Cut the gloat to me.

How are we doing? All right?

Where did you spend the first half?

In the bog?

That's very funny. That is hysterical, that, yeah?

Have your laugh and just push off.

You remember when Pallet slept with your wife?

No, I wasn't there.

She laughed about it.

Do I?

I had a go at her.

She was making an idiot of you.

Not that I'd like you, but you're our idiot.

She assured me she'd only been with him the once, and it was a total trouble.

Well, apparently...

Eh?

Really.

He's not the man, Glenn.

You're the man.

Oh, the mouth.

Glyn Tucker.

Come on, Glyn.

Strike for Glyn Tucker.

Nothing. Out my way.

Tony Parrott.

She moved on my short dress.

Who? Peggy Tucker.

Wash your mouth so you smarmy get.

Absolutely.

Pick your paws up.

This is taking the piss now.

They're just a rabble. They're a mob. They're an unruly bunch of peasants.

Can we get on with this?

Tony Parrott? Nothing.

Clint Tucker.

Come on, guys.

Come on, Clint. Go on.

Quiet, please.

Tie -break.

Sudden death.

Come on, Dad.

Come on.

Come on, Dad.

Pressure. Pressure, eh?

Imagine losing to him.

Go on, Dad. It'll be a joke. You're laughing stock in this money.

Tony Parrott, you bowl first.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

I knew I had him on the rack, right? So, hey, I took my bowl, yeah, and my hands

were shaking a bit. But you know what got me going?

I looked across and I thought, thank God I got you lot.

Yeah? My family.

My boys.

Hey?

Excuse me a sec.

Yeah. Hey.

Derek?

Look, job's off.

Yeah, they've got their van back.

Look, I'm folding your guy again to pray with.

I know, yeah.

I'm going to add him on the work. Yeah.

You'd be better off sticking with the Tuckers. Oh, I knew the day was coming.

Yeah. I'm going to practice with Murphy. I didn't need it. Right. He said you

want to practice. It's on me.

Is it?

First time ever.

Come on, then.

Can I please ask Tony Perrett and Glyn Tucker to join me up front?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new county skittles champion, Mr.

Glenn Tucker!

Yes!

And now,

the time -honoured tradition of the handing over of the green jacket.

Tony, please.

Won't fit in.

Just give me the jacket. Too small.

No, it's not. Got my name in it. Just give me the bloody jacket.

Come on, give me the jacket. Come on.

You want it, I swear.

Hey.

Oh, come on, give me the jacket.

the winner thank you ladies and gentlemen

I'd like to tell you the story of a little boy with a dream

Anyway, thanks for coming. The bar's still open, so you crack on.

Hey. Huh?

What do you think you're going?

500, wasn't it?

500 it was.

500.

You OK?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I was thirsty.

Well, at least the night can't get any worse.

What?

I'm pregnant, Bob.