Original subtitles

Law on today.

It's a big job, so they've asked a big man.

You looking after the club for a couple of hours, not running MI5?

Aye. That club is the heartbeat of this village, ma 'am.

For generations, the people of Targarig have met there to discuss and debate

and... Get it, Pete?

Yeah, very funny.

Go on, Al.

What?

You going ball, boy?

Huh? Don't be ridiculous.

No, seriously, is that a ball patch in the front there?

Bull patch?

Stop it.

It's just thinning a bit that's all. Thinning?

Oh, my God.

I've turned into my father.

Oh.

Oh.

It was a mistake. I know.

It was wrong. I know.

I'm getting married and I've just slept with my wife. Shh.

We've got to pretend it never happened.

OK.

Well, go then, before Shakira wakes up.

Morning, Dad.

Morning, love.

Morning, Nat.

Sorry to pop over so early. We're out of eggs next door.

They're in the fridge.

Yep.

This can't be happening.

Tell me this isn't happening.

Oh, it's happening, boy.

There's only everyone alone in this family.

My father was bald.

His father before him.

Me was about to thin myself.

What's the panic, anyway?

There's nothing wrong with being a baldy. Baldy?

How long do you think I've got?

A year?

A month?

Weeks, even?

You know what happens.

Wither Uncle Ben came out overnight.

He woke up in the morning, thought the cat was on the pillow.

Dear God!

Me and Dawn will get it done.

Don't say that. She's my bingo partner. No.

She hates baldies. All baldies.

Doesn't find them sexy.

What am I going to do?

Onions.

What?

Rub half an onion into your skull.

Stop talking posh, Robin.

You'll have him drowning chickens under a full moon next.

What sort of onion?

Dirty God.

Aye, aye.

The wanderer returns.

All right. Where have you been all night?

I left the light on. I couldn't sleep.

I stayed at Lash's.

Oh, stuck up. Myrin's led you in, then?

Yeah.

What's that in your hand?

Eggs.

Eggs?

Myrin thought you might like some eggs.

Why would she think I want eggs?

Does she think I can't afford eggs?

Can't everyone stop talking about eggs?

Right, well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm on a tight schedule today.

People to do, things to see.

Time waits for no man and all the rest of it.

Hello.

This is on the floor.

For you boys.

See you later.

What about Gramps?

What do you want?

Nothing. Rubbish. You want to call me Gramps or do you want something?

I need some money.

Don't we all?

I think I'm going to do in a car boot.

Anything you want to get rid of?

No. Murphy, but nobody could pay for it.

Hey, it's a big day today.

I'm in charge of the club.

All on your own? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and the manager, the main man, the boss, the big boy.

So, mind yourself, the wheels of industry move very far.

Sit down and relax.

The cavalry's arrived.

You here then?

Hey, it's a clean technique you're looking at, mate. Have I ever let you

You shrunk my carpets when you said you were a plumber. You left my mother in

the wrong airport for the holiday.

It wasn't a question.

It's just a saying, that's all.

It's just a saying. I made a list.

I don't need a list. On it are just three things. Yeah, I don't need a list.

Number one,

never leave the bar unattended.

Obvious.

Number two, there's a bloke called Stanko from the bottom of the valley.

He's as rough as dogs.

Nicks anything and falls asleep and pisses himself.

Do not let him in.

Never. Number three, make sure we're completely stocked up for tonight.

This exhibition must be sold out.

I need it to be a success.

You got all that?

Listen. Just calm down. This is going to be like water off a sponge.

I'll be back as soon as the funeral is over.

Just take your time. Enjoy yourself.

It's the funeral, Glyn.

My only uncle has died.

Oh, right. Yeah, of course.

Sorry. Still, lovely way to go, eh?

Lying on a beach.

He wasn't sunbathing, Glyn.

He'd been washed up.

Six days he'd been missing for.

Right.

Just read the list.

I'm all over this.

You sure this will work?

Course it will.

It's medically proven.

My head feels like it's going to burst, man.

Ah, that's the blood. The increased circulation.

After you finish that, stick some celery in you.

You are. Trust me. Eat three stalks of celery a day.

You'll have rocks like Beyonce.

Where have you been?

Sparring.

That letter's still up here.

Lynn? Lynn?

What brings your scraggy arse back here?

I've come to see our boys.

How do I look?

Like a man gone crack.

Be your real, authentic self.

You are.

This is what I look like bald, so I need to get used to it.

Wear it for a few days.

Let people see it.

Be loud.

And proud.

Try the tea bags under your arms yet? No. And I'm not going to.

I need to embrace my boldiness.

To own it.

A load of old claptrap.

We've had a letter.

If it's about those parking fines, tell them someone nicked the van.

It's from Mum.

Oh, Mum.

No, Kenny Shed's from number nine.

Why is she out in class?

Jesus, really, will you?

Big words.

Fun. Tupper, boys?

No, you're all right, Nan.

What's all that whispering about, anyway?

Nothing.

We need to pop out.

Salt and vinegar, please.

Water, please.

Please, can I have blue crips?

Right, Nan?

Hi.

Yeah, you?

Where'd you get this lot from?

Clark. They're out on a date.

Yeah, I've told her. If their parents come back complaining, she's taking the

rap, not me.

Fair enough.

Bob?

I'm in a rush.

Maybe we should tell her.

What? Rush.

I feel terrible.

Have you gone total tonto? Bobby, come in!

Whatever you were thinking, stop it. Right? We agreed.

It never happened.

I tell you now, I don't know why you're waiting about here.

You're wasting your time. There's no way my boys will come to meet you.

We'll see.

In the meantime, any chance of a drink?

Don't bother me.

Get on the stump.

I never liked it.

It was all you drank. It was all you bought me.

It was cheap.

I'll have a Southern Comfort, dry ginger and fresh lime.

It's called a Gatsby.

Terry introduced me to it.

Nice.

Month's out coming up.

It's good with him, then?

Perry? Of course.

He's a wonderful man.

Every morning he buys me flowers.

Yeah, that means he's seen someone else.

He's done so much for me over the years.

Yeah, I noticed.

Your nose is smaller and that bra's definitely packing a few more spuds.

There you go.

On the house.

Very kind.

Not at all.

My place, isn't it?

You manage it?

No, no.

Own it.

Yeah, it's not a club anymore.

It's a private concern, this is.

I am raking in it.

Oh, yes.

Welcome to Glyn's Bar.

Really?

Because the sign outside still says it's a social club.

Yeah, I know.

And trust me, heads have rolled for that.

You were only three when she left.

Your dad rowed a lot.

I can't make up for the lot to do, but I would still love to have a relationship

with you. I'll understand if you say no.

Well, she sounds nice.

She sounds a nightmare.

I don't want to see her.

Don't you want to know, though, where she went?

I've always wondered.

Not interested.

There's absolutely no way I'm seeing that woman.

Perhaps you want to give us money.

What time did she want to meet?

Yeah, we're not staying.

Dad can't find us here.

Look,

Dad. Oh, Jesus.

It's all right, Dad.

I know where you are.

Aren't you okay with that?

Yeah. I mean, you know. It's only natural you want to see her after all

years.

Yeah, I'm fine with it.

It doesn't bother me.

Go on, get up. Get over there.

Bring your drinks.

All right, cheers, Dad.

Hey, why are you wearing that hat?

I'm not wearing it.

I'm owning it.

Where do we start?

Did you finish school?

Did you go to university?

Yeah, well, university's not for everyone.

I'm going to Daddy.

Her name's Dawn.

She's booked to fill.

Oh, lovely.

And Bobby here's got a kid, and he's married to Natalie, and he's also

married to Lush, Natalie's best friend.

Wow!

A child.

Boy or girl?

Girl.

Have you got a picture?

Well, I've got some.

This is us.

The Butlins.

We went every year.

The little boy on the donkey, that's you, Bobby.

Oh, and this is the Christmas that Billy had. Where have you been for the last

20 years?

Forgot where we live.

Why'd you go, man?

Yeah.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah. Everything's under control. Yeah.

Trust me.

Now, just relax. Enjoy the funeral.

All right.

Excuse me.

You open?

Aye, aye. Aye, aye, aye.

I know who you are.

Sorry?

Sunkin' eyes.

Smell of beer.

Set an anklos.

You what?

Come to lick my stock, have you, eh?

Come to have a kip, have you?

Stanko.

Who? Don't give me that. I know you little gate.

I let you in there, you'll be pissing all over the place.

Oh, I won't. Yes, you will.

I won't? You will.

No, I won't. You will!

Dickhead.

Stay out!

I can sense you're angry.

A mystic mag as well, are you? I had no choice.

It broke my heart.

I've never known such a failure.

You're married.

No, your father.

Don't mind me. Just been escorted on a vagrant off the premises.

All part of the job when you run your own successful bar.

Glidden's Bar.

I tried.

I really did.

But his laziness nearly wrecked me.

Bullshit. We wanted different things.

I had drive, ambition, dreams, and your father, well, I don't mean to be unkind,

but... Glyn is a simple man.

But why now?

Why come back after all this time?

What are you after?

Me and you have got something in common, Bobby.

I'm getting married, too.

Married? You're my only family.

And nothing would make me prouder than to share the day with you.

And if you would do me the honour of walking me down the aisle.

Both of you.

Point the ball, please.

Coming up.

I know it's out of the blue, but I think everybody deserves a second chance.

Come on, don't come.

As long as you promise not to wear that thing on your head.

Don't make me itch anyway.

Thank you.

What about you, Bobby?

Do you think about it?

Please?

Let me give you my number.

Been there for me with your dad?

Yeah.

What's going on over there?

She's getting married.

Wants us to go.

Give her away.

No way.

Down his throat and out.

How's it been? Fine.

I want you gone now.

Hang on, Dad. We're only just... It has nothing to do with you, son.

Oh, my God!

You let Stanko in! No, I threw him out earlier.

Out. The boys are old enough to decide for themselves, Snowplin.

And he's pissed everywhere!

Come on. I know what this is about. It's all for show, isn't it? Oh, look at me.

Look at my boys. Look how much they love me. Look how special I am. It's always

the same with you. It's always one big bloody show. Hang on, Dad.

Glenn! I'm busy here, Melvin.

All my stock is gone.

Ten boxes of crisps, a shelf of soft drinks and a fridge full of pasties.

Just stop pretending to be nice and go.

What's the matter? It's a wedding, that's all. I don't want to see her. But

what's she done?

Yeah, what have I done, Glenn?

You're a liar.

Three hours it's been.

How can you turn everything into a total shit show in just three hours? Oh, for

God's sake, Glenn, man up.

Don't let the staff talk to you like that.

Staff?

I'm the steward.

I only let him be hanged there because I was desperate.

Who's the liar, Glenn?

Melvin Bentley.

Hello to you, my bonjour.

I see.

You know nothing about her.

Then tell us.

I'll call you later.

Please.

Boys, don't do this.

That was Mark Williams' agent on the phone.

Says he came here but was insulted by some bald tub of dung. His words, not

mine.

And that he won't be playing the exhibition match tonight.

You got anything to say, Lynn?

Will I still get paid in cash like we agreed?

Who all day?

Like I said, watching Liam, man.

What the hell are you playing at?

What's going on?

That fussy flog. It's not from Clock.

It's from the club.

She nicked it.

I'll leave you to it.

We've got a highly evidence.

Cover it up before Melvin finds out.

Have you thought you're smarties?

She's going to fess up and apologise.

She was just trying to make a few quid, I thought. Oh, for God's sake, Bobby.

In!

Why? If there's only one thing I ever taught you, it's not to lie to me.

But deal.

It was for you.

What?

It was for you, Mum.

No one comes here.

We're broke.

I wanted to help.

So when she rings, what do I do?

What about Dad?

You'll just have to get over it. I like her.

You like who?

Walker down the aisle.

Both of you.

Impossible. Well, it'll be a bit of a squeeze, but as long as it's a wide

I mean you can't.

She's told you why she left?

Yeah, because of that.

You know why he's never spoken about her?

Because he didn't want to hurt you.

Okay.

Glyn wouldn't want me saying this.

And I said I never would.

But the truth is, your mother slept with half the village.

Your father was a laughing stock.

He turned his eyes so many times, they started calling him Blind Pew down the

club.

He was just trying to keep you all together.

Eventually she ran off with some smarmy get called Terry.

Emptied your dad's bank account too.

He lost the house.

So he came back here to me and I took him in.

He wasn't the lazy shit he is now.

He took anything he could back then.

Double shifts.

Scrimping and saving.

Going without so you could be clothed and fed.

Your dad didn't force it away.

She ran away.

About today.

I'll just go and put the kettle on.

Well, I've been thinking.

And I don't see what's wrong with you going to that wedding.

It's a free day out.

You may even get an overnight trial of it. We're not going.

We don't want to walk her down the aisle.

Have you said something, you vicious old bat?

No, I haven't, you lardy arse -get.

We're family, aren't we?

Invite all of us or none of us.

We wouldn't go without you, would we?

You aren't that.

Glenn?

See the Melvin get this?

Shaxs nicked his stock earlier.

A little git.

Bobby told me. He wanted to keep a secret, but it's nearly undercut there.

Make sure you pass it on to him, yeah?

That's just told me everything, Bobby.

What's she told you?

Your secret.

Eh? Things soon get out in Chigarig, boy.

Look, it was a mistake.

Rubbish. You're nicked from a bar by mistake.

Oh, a bar.

Hey, 70 quid, though, eh? Fair play to us.

Oh, decent.

Yeah.

Yeah. I'll see Melvin gets that later.

Hey,

I've got a Scooby -Dooby -Dobbler tonight on me.

Really? On you?

Yeah, Melvin paid me, after all.

30 quid.

So, my treats.

Craggy. Oh, nice.

Call the Raj.

Oh, is that you, Ishaan?

Ah, good. Hey, I've bought you. It was all over the shop.

Clint's done that, right?

Yeah. Clint, yeah? Right, boys, get involved.

Cut the show.

Pop it on Stephanie.

Call me for Billy. What are you going to call me? What are you asking me? I'm

trying to tell you three things. Yeah, I'm trying to tell you three things. My

old, too. My old, we'll have one of those. No prawns for the chicken. He's

always on the chicken. We know what you want with the prawns. Yeah, well, yeah.

We'll have a party.

Yeah,

that sounds really good. All right, we'll have a party.

No bread. No bread.

I'm having bread wherever I am, right?

I'm having a keema.