Original subtitles

And it's fast, you say?

Fast? The only thing quicker is you on that scooter when Greg's are doing two

for one.

I don't know.

It's a lot of money.

Look at the wing structure.

The length of the flight feathers, the size of the breast.

What's the breast going to do with it?

And erase it, not edit?

Trust me, this is the elite of its sport. It's recorded speeds of over 100

an hour.

Go on, then.

A ton it is.

Are you sure there's nothing else I need?

Nope.

Apart from a coop, that is.

Coop? Well, hang on, that's even more brimming money.

Why do you think they're called homing pigeons, Glyn? They need a home to fly

back to.

I knew that.

Did you know that?

No.

I'm a laughingstock.

Why? Loads of people ask for divorce.

Not on Twitter, they don't. 800 likes.

You should be proud.

You're not helping, bro.

Sorry. Why have you got to get married again anyway?

Complicated. Is it?

You wouldn't understand.

No.

Grown up, Dad.

Hey, come on. I'm Billy, Dad.

Nothing's going to change between us.

I'm always going to be there for you and your mum.

You know that.

Always? Always.

Bobby, come on.

But not now, though. I've got to dash. Me and Billy have got a gardening job

But remember, any time you need me, you just holler, yeah?

I'm trying to win.

Hey.

How many four -inch nails have you?

What do you want them for?

I'm building a pigeon coop.

You know nothing about pigeon racing.

Yeah, well, you wait while I'm weaving my winnings about, then we'll see who

knows nothing, eh?

Now, you got those nails?

Four -inch, you say? Yeah.

Roundhead? Yeah.

Elginite? Yeah.

No.

Hysterical.

The door, Dave, open!

Like I said, all game, no pain.

Morning.

Tucker's landscaping. We're laying your patio for you today.

It's lovely to see you boys.

The garden's got a bit too much of me since my husband went.

Sorry for your loss.

Oh, no, he's gone to live with his sister. We can't stand each other.

Fair enough.

You think I'll be able to cope between you?

We'll be fine, Mrs Davis.

Oh, that is lovely.

Are you sure the 400 will cover it?

Trust me, 400 is fine.

Come through.

There it is.

Bit, did you want part of it?

All of it.

Lovely.

Yeah, she got on the bus she thought was the free one to Asda, but turns out it

was a missionary trip to Blackpool.

Nobody's seen us since.

Have they checked her toilet?

No, she's not locked in Asda, she's locked in Blackpool.

You been there?

I prefer Pep.

I get it.

You got a saw?

I look at you now, Glyn, stood there in front of me.

And do you know what I see?

Yeah, a man asking for a saw.

Wrong. A bucket of gut with turd for brain.

Oh, here we go. You see, when I was your age, I rose for the sun's first

rays. Right. All to provide food and warmth for my kith and kin. Right.

Not run up and down the garden path.

Like a sack of shit trying to build a little house with sticks and string.

This is dignity, man.

Your pride.

You're a disgrace to yourself, to your family, to the whole of mankind.

Sure, I'm going to saw that. No saw.

No hammer, no drill, no nothing.

Now, you're wasting your time on disturbing mine.

I don't want to see you again today.

Fine.

Won't be two minutes, love.

How me or joking me?

Don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me.

What's the matter?

My first customer in two days and the blimmy machine's packed in.

You could try Dad.

Go on then.

Well, it's no good staying out there. We've got to make a start.

Hiya.

Yeah?

OK, I'm on my way.

Not the washing machine's playing up. So?

Who are you now? Bobby Hotpoint?

Well, I said I'd take a look at it. I'll be back in ten.

But I can't do it on my own.

How's it going up there?

Oh, all over it, Mrs Davis.

Oh, that is lovely.

Any bits and pieces you find are to be dumped, please.

No loose cuttings, no marks on the fence, no mess.

And you be careful of my tulips.

What is it?

It's a washing machine, Bob. Where do you think it is? The bedroom?

Very funny.

Hi, Dad.

All right, love?

Thanks for coming.

It's all right.

Right, sit away.

Please don't do this, Mum.

I'm Patricia's mother.

Whose?

Mine. Maybe come in.

Hello. Clock.

When do you reckon this pigeon will get you?

Soon.

You got the coop ready?

Soon. Yeah.

I'm putting the windows in now.

Yeah?

I've made all the plans.

This baby's going to love her new dicks.

Right. Just tell me when you come in.

Will do, amigo.

I don't get it. I've taken the whole thing apart.

I've checked the motor, the belt, the dial.

I am not that long.

It'd be nice if one thing would work in this house. Dad, you did it!

Ah,

it looks like you sorted it after all. Yeah, well, I'm generally pretty good at

this sort of thing.

Right, I've got to dash.

Billy's left his neck in it.

Well, it's waste anyway.

Can you stay for a bit?

I can't let Billy down, love.

Please, Dad.

I'd like to talk to you about the wedding.

I'm so sorry about this, Nan.

I don't think it's a good idea at all.

Well, to be honest, Bute, that's a bit of a relief, cos neither do I.

Nan!

How can you say that?

Me and Bobby are meant to be together. We're a match made in heaven.

He's bread and I'm jam.

He's cheese.

The thing is, sorry, what's your name, Bute?

Myrwen.

Well, Myr... Myrwen.

Only my friends call me Myr.

And never Bute.

Well, Myrwen.

Friends call me Peggy.

But you can call me Mrs. Tucker, Bute.

What's going on?

There's a new law in this garden.

Eh? That's your end.

This is mine.

But I need to go to the house.

Exactly.

This is ridiculous.

Stay where you are.

Any encroachment on the border will result in open fire.

You what?

And shoot your fat ass.

I need things in the house. Well, you know the way to the front door?

Do not cross in this border.

This is ludicrous.

Us tuckers are proper.

I always tell my boys, take things slowly.

Do proper courting first.

Treat a woman with respect.

Can't stop.

I've got a bird coming, Victor.

Costing me 100 quid, she is.

Got to be ready for her.

Why don't I make us a nice cuppa?

Start again.

Please. There's lovely.

Found this old bed.

Weighs a ton.

What's it doing in your garden?

It's where my husband slept before he left.

Right.

Where's the other one?

Oh, he's had to pop out. Check on supplies.

Won't be long.

I wouldn't want him to miss out.

Give me a call when he gets back.

And move that bed.

And my milk tulips.

I say it's very spacious here, Mrs Tucker.

For a small terrace.

And I just love how none of the wallpaper matches.

Right.

Enough putting foot in.

Let's have it out.

If you insist.

I know that you've not let my Bobby in your house because you don't think he's

good enough for your girls.

Correct. He's got no career.

No prospects.

No... shirt.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Sat in my house with a rod up your backside and more slap than a man in

Now, look here... No, no, no, no.

You listen to me, good girl.

The Tuckers are good enough for anyone.

Your daughter struck gold with my Bobby.

She loves him.

And he obviously loves her, and that's good enough for me.

So you grab your bag and sling your hook.

Oh, and I've changed my mind.

I would love to be your maid of honour.

Oh, Nan!

Out.

Where the hell are you?

I'm on my way. Ten minutes, you said?

What's the sweat?

The sweat is me.

Six months' hard labour will be easier than this.

Stop being so dramatic.

Just get back to your rabbit and give me a break.

Engine power.

Fifteen hundred.

Oh, come to papa.

Finished?

Sorry.

I can't hear you.

Right. Come on. Enough of this nonsense.

I want to pee.

May I pee?

Name yourself.

Have you taken a knock to the head or something?

Name yourself.

It's me, Glyn.

Who are you again?

Please, Murph, I'm going to wet myself. There's a big bottle of water you drank

there when you were making your little wigwam.

I bet you're busted.

Five hours I've been after that bird.

Five hours!

Where the sod

now have you been? Playing top tramps. Top tramps? Months per track. I don't

care what they were.

I've been trying to drag a steel plough through the Amazon forest during your

playing cards.

Where's the truck?

You're back.

I am.

There's lovely. Because this one's useless on his own.

Yeah. Cheers.

Parched.

Oh.

Oh, thank God for that.

Did you put the lid down?

Of course I put the lid down.

This tree's fine thin. Put the lid down.

Right.

Two can play at this game.

All my mitts are going to Monty Lido now. I'm the only one without a lift.

Sorry, love.

I suppose I could try that.

Where's the girl?

Will you ring him, Mum?

He'll do anything for you.

Fine.

Hiya.

Really?

OK, give me ten.

What's that?

What's anything out?

Shaquille needs me. For my back, I'm in spasm.

Sorry, bro.

Get back in now, Bobby!

Is everything all right?

Yeah, he's just gone to get the patio slaps.

Oh, that's lovely.

Well, let's hope he's not long.

You obviously need to tell him what to do.

But get on with it, then.

Let me in.

Sorry, who is it?

It's me, Murphy.

Sorry, who are you?

Ah, yes.

Old man Murphy's bitten off more than he can chew this time.

I'll teach him not to mess with Big Lynn Tucker, eh?

Murphy, just be calm, yeah?

Oi, you know the rules.

No shooting indoors.

Fine.

Get out.

Now, now, don't be stupid.

One. That's ridiculous, man.

Two.

Nice time swimming?

Yeah, Dad brought me back.

And he wants you to go out tonight.

Really? Yeah, he said he'll look after me.

He's been really lovely at the minute, your dad, hasn't he?

Proper hero.

So is that a yes?

Yeah, go on.

Oh, nice one.

Nice one.

Nice one.

I'm not dead.

I'm stressed.

I'm thirsty.

My back's healed up and all you can say is, nice one.

No. Do not touch the phone. Do not touch the... I, uh... Hey, Dad.

Mum's going to pop out for a few hours.

Wonders if you can come babysit me?

Yeah, that's fine.

Give me 15.

15? Why 15?

It was 10 earlier.

It's always 10.

What happened to 10?

Finished, Dad?

For the day, yeah. Oh, there's lovely.

I'll be back tomorrow to do the patioing. Don't bother.

Huh? Well, this is taking far too long.

It's obviously a two -man job, but you insist on working alone.

But... I said I expected a good job.

There's marks on the fence, the bed is still there, there are cuttings

everywhere. But... I don't think I'll be paying you for today.

Why? Because the job is no good and you've wrecked my tulips.

But there are no tulips.

Exactly.

You all right?

Hiya. Oh, listen, thanks for this.

You look amazing.

Oh.

You can be real sweet when you want to, can't you?

Well, I can't deny it.

I'll see you later, love. Bye.

About time.

Lovely. You built a coop for her?

Yeah.

Have you been busy?

Here we are, my pretty.

Welcome to your new home.

Think you're going to settle in there?

What's not to love? Yeah.

You don't look anything like she did in that picture you showed me.

Well, you're looking at her from above, aren't you?

That girl's a winner waiting to go. Trust me, she'll find her way back from

Timbuktu with a blindfold on and earplugs on. Oh, happy days.

Welcome to your new home.

I am Glyn, and I christen you Lightning.

Excellent!

Unlucky.

Wait, Noah Method's your old man on that track, let me tell you.

Oh, easy.

I don't want to be drunk before your mum gets back.

Do you like men?

All right.

always be on your back and the sun always guide you home.

Home, my beauty.

Home!

You back early?

Whispering Trev turned up, sat between us. We called it a night.

He was all over me like not we.

That's it. He's having a smack.

Jabba sorted it.

Chucked a pint of bull over him and dragged him out by his collar.

Good old Jabba. She's a lovely girl.

Thanks for caring, though.

I'm off to bed.

Night. Night, love.

Give me the coach.

Night,

babe.

Well, I'd better be off, then.

Oh.

You could have a glass of wine.

As I merely like.

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

And thanks for the drink earlier.

What drink?

Yeah.

25.

Tidy.

I don't want a word with you.

All right, Merv? Not really.

No. It's because of you.

Glenn has ruined my day building a coop in the garden.

I've seen it.

Shambles.

That pigeon's never going to go home to that pile of sticks.

Well, it's not going to come home anyway.

I caught it in the park this afternoon. It's a regular pigeon.

Are you taking the piss?

I've been interrupted all day because of one of your scams.

Sorry, Murph.

Look, don't tell him. I'll buy you a pint.

I wasn't going to tell him, were you?

Guinness.

Fair enough.

The little gig!

And she just kept pouring it.

Well, she's like a mother.

You know what? Now I come to think of it, I noticed her towel was dry from

swimming. I was probably just going to get you a ranger and all.

And the washing machine.

I bet you fiddled that as well.

Ah, well, it's lucky I was on hand, eh?

Well... Thanks for coming.

Anyway... Things are tight.

I know.

But I believe in you.

You'll do great.

You always do.

Do you think so?

Of course.

You're special.

You're

lightning.

Come on, girl.

Lightning.

Lightning.