Original subtitles

Ouch!

Boy, are you alright?

I'm so sorry, but I didn't see you coming. What happened?

I hit him. Hit him?

I'll hit the gut.

What are you doing?

Hey!

Come back here!

That's the day's takings you got there, Glenn.

That bloke was nicking the lot.

I'd have lost my job.

Well, I... I'll never be able to thank you enough.

It's only what anyone would have done. Yeah, but he's some size.

Show some spine to do what you just did.

Yeah, well, I was coming... Tell me what, Glenn.

I thought I'd never say this, but I'm proud of you, boy.

Real proud.

One punch you took.

Just one.

Go on, then.

Stylist, manicurist, colourist, loves to lol.

Eh? My new Twitter page.

What do you think?

Loves to lol?

Yeah. Lol at what?

Anything. When did you last lol?

Leave it, Bobs. I lol at all sorts.

Just trying to make you fun, that's all.

Yeah. Need to drum up trade.

You better follow me. Where are we off?

Lush.

Have you told her that you can't go through with it?

Oh, Bobby.

Today.

Today's the day.

Enough of that now, Nan.

Have a nice cuppa.

And it's time you got out and about again, eh?

There's no -one to get out and about for, really.

My dad, he did die.

Taken so soon.

He was 83.

82 and a half.

Right.

He's waiting for me now at those pearly gates.

Well, why don't you go and put some clothes on for him, eh?

But I want to see you in that old dressing gown now, will you?

If I had it on for ten days.

Not long now, Bout.

Old peg's on her way.

We'll soon be making love again.

With the clouds for pillows and the angels watching on.

We've got to shake her out, don't we? Whoa, you can't shake her.

Hiya, man.

Hiya. What's going on?

Wedding planning.

Napkin shortly.

Lash, isn't he?

Oh, can you pop to my car and get the rest of my stuff?

Eh?

Well, don't ask for them. This is your idea.

Mine? Come over Thursday. We'll sort things out, you said.

Go on, then.

Car.

Well, he was young.

And fit.

Like me.

A bit taller, perhaps.

Very muscular, but not as strong.

He was quick, but not as quick.

Now, I could sense danger in his eyes. As soon as I saw him, I knew I had no

choice. And it was him or me.

I know what you're thinking.

How could this blubber gut stop anyone?

Perhaps he wasn't thinking that, though. I mean, look at the state of him.

You're thinking, the man's a disgrace.

He never said that.

And I'm telling you, that robber...

was a proper unit.

And this boy is a hero.

How many devs do you think we should let off?

Look, about the wedding, I don't think we should... Oh, the answer to all your

problems is here.

What is it?

You've got to trust.

I'm like a guru with this stuff.

Doing something positive is vital.

I've read six self -help books in the past month.

And look at me now.

Flying.

Don't boil the ocean.

Take action.

Reach out and embrace the now.

Not the whens or the ifs, but the nows.

And the now.

Look, Lash. I know you were sad, Nan.

But that's because you're still grieving.

Just remember what it says in the Bible.

From the day we arrive on the planet and blink in, step into the sun,

there's more to see than can ever be seen. More to do than can

ever be done.

That's Elton John.

What the hell are you waffling about?

Well, it's a circle of life, isn't it?

No.

As one love dies, another one grows.

Hey, what about organising a statue of Di in the club?

A memorial?

Yeah.

A statue for a great man, where people can come and pay their respects.

Absolutely. It could go behind his bingo machine.

Exactly. Right, you two.

Clear your mess.

This table is for memorial planning.

Me and Billy got work to do. Exactly.

Stand by your bed.

As a hero in our midst.

Eh? Tell him, Glyn, what happened.

Why? I don't like to talk about it.

But if you insist.

It was a cold, misty morning in Tregaric.

Big Glyn Tucker was riding...

Grand reopening today, Glenda?

Not our love. Well, space available now, if you rest.

Half price.

One punch? One punch. One punch.

That's amazing, Dad.

I know, my knuckles are a bit sore now, you know. I might need to wait some.

Shall I fetch you a bowl?

Yeah, and stick some crisps in it. I'm starving.

I've got an idea.

Eh? Well, I need to relax now anyway, you know. Well, take it easy now, Dad. I

deserve it. Chill out, Dad. Yeah, I will. Yeah.

All right, love?

What's happening here?

Wedding planning.

Me and Bobby.

That is a surprise.

Want to help?

Sorry, busy.

Trying to build my client list up again.

They've all buggered off to the airport, top of town. Oh, he is good at their

mind. Wonderful, he is. Yeah, I know.

His tints are lovely. I know.

The point is, I need more business.

What about you, Peg?

Fancy a little trim?

There's no -one to trim it for now, babe.

I meant your head.

Dear God, woman, have some self -respect.

Right, well, if anyone can think of anyone... Oh, I've got an idea.

Yes. Now, you're here. What do you think?

Carnation pink or caroolean blue?

No, no, the room was the right ridge.

I knew we had it in him somewhere.

Just had to channel it.

Hey, seems like Targaryen has found a new hard man.

Yeah, that's great. All right, I'll see you later.

Yeah.

Well,

that was the local press.

They found out I'm a hero.

How did they find out?

Because I rang them.

Yeah, they sent a photographer later.

I might even be able to charge for an exclusive.

Will you speak at our wedding, Glyn? No. How much we talking?

Oh, Enel.

No, no, he's okay.

It's worth it for a local celeb. You could be our master of ceremonies.

Quarter hundred.

Twenty quid. Done.

Right, Bobby.

I've been in business to put you away.

You win. You know me, boss.

Always in head first, or fist first.

Unbelievable.

Melvin says the statue of Di is a no -go. Why?

Because he hasn't paid last month's subs.

But he's dead.

I know.

He said he'd taken that into consideration, but rules is rules.

Yeah.

Well, bugger him.

We'll just go for a nice plaque.

Stick it on the bench at the top of the street.

Classy and simple.

Flabber. Yeah.

They're an ABBA tribute act.

Oversized. Flabber. Look, I just think we need to... No,

no, it's just... Yeah,

that's what I'm trying to say.

Look, would you put a bloody sock in it?

This goes on day and night. We don't sleep anymore.

They're only teenagers.

But my wife is terrified.

Have you talked to the father?

He's drunk most of the time.

He won't listen.

You've done the right thing. Come and see me.

I've got just the man for the job.

How could I ever thank you?

Give us 60 quid. Call it quits.

Oh, right.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Not everyone likes ABBA.

No, it's not that.

But their tunes are less and their outfits sparkle.

No, it's just... And you know how much I love sparkly things.

It's not the band.

It's me.

It's all happening so quick, like.

I'm bricking it here.

Oh!

Oh, silly Billy!

Me?

You've just got a bit of cold feet, old man Gary.

See, that's your problem.

You are confusing excitement for nerves.

I'm not excited.

Yes, you are.

It's OK to feel excited.

Nan, me and Bobby got something massive to ask you now you're over Diana.

Have we?

Yes.

I was hoping...

pray in that, well, it would make my day, my life, really, if you would be my

maid of honour.

No.

What's this? It's a nice little urn.

It's about to make you some... Proper cash.

With a list?

Yeah, of people I want you to sort.

Sort?

Oh, don't hide your light a little bushel now, boy.

We've all seen what one punch can do.

Now, start with Malcolm, Bridge Street.

Now, he's back on the source, and his teenagers are running riot.

Mad Malcolm.

Yeah.

Easy money.

Bobby.

You've got to help me out here.

Murphy wants me to go and sort out Mad Malcolm.

You're having a laugh, are you? The man's total tonto. I know.

The last person who upset him, he chopped his little finger off with nail

clippers.

Nail clippers?

Nail clippers.

Jesus. Another one for the list.

Malcolm I, remember?

Yeah. Yeah, now, um, about Mad Malcolm, the thing is, he may not

be in.

He's in?

Hey, Dad, if you do sort him, no -one will mess with the Tuckers again.

Hey, he's right. Our rep in the valley will go through the roof. Hey, have him.

You show him. You can do it, Mr Tucker.

Laugh him.

You can do it again.

All

right,

Mr. Tucker?

Not really.

I just had an anxiety attack. I'm in my piles. That's not good.

This is the man I was telling you about.

Mr. Glyn Tucker.

Hey, any chance for a selfie?

Of course.

Come on.

All right? All right?

All right.

Thank you.

Amazing.

You're the man.

You're the man.

You are the man.

Uh -oh. Uh -oh. Uh -oh. Uh -oh. Uh -oh.

Uh -oh.

I know you are.

What do you want?

Well, the thing is, it's about your kids.

What about my kids?

Oh, lovely there.

Beautiful kids, beautiful family, you know, everybody says.

Cut the shit.

They're little bastards and you know it.

Fair enough.

You want?

I didn't say that.

I mean, some would, but I wouldn't, you know. I mean, not me. Oh, no.

No, no, no, sorry. No.

Not Glyn Tucker.

Get to the point.

Well... Now, the thing is, there's some people... Not me, of course, but some

people may have been saying that your kids have been a bit loud lately.

You're trying to tell me I can't control my kids, Glyn?

Good God, no. No, no. It's just a...

It's just a sort of gentle suggestion, really. You know, like a plea, a beg.

Consider it begging, if you will, ma 'am.

But if you don't sort them out, I may have to give you a slap.

You trying to frighten me, Tucker?

Don't, don't, don't. I've got a timer. I've got a dash. I've got something in

the, um, in the oven. It's a chicken piquant salad.

Take the difference. You've just got to keep an eye on these things. You have

to... Oh, dear God!

I'll have a word with them for you.

Really? Because I respect you.

I heard you drop Frank the tank outside the buckies earlier.

I don't like to talk about it.

I always respect a bloke with balls.

I got two.

It's gutless liars that make me want to crack skulls.

Tell me about it. Liars make me mad!

Cluck their skulls and pull their teeth out with pliers until they beg through

their blood. That's what I say.

I said everybody feels exactly the same way you do there.

You won't hear any more noise from my little shits again.

I'll have my word.

Thanks, man.

Really appreciate it.

Lovely to chat.

That's the band sorted and the fabric sorted.

There's only one thing left to do. What's that?

Get a divorce.

But we're not even married yet.

No, not us, silly.

You and Natalie.

We can't get married until you sort it.

Well, maybe we could just hold a... Bobby.

I want that divorce.

The camera, the camera.

Yeah, here he is. Right, right, right. That's me.

Please, Mr Tucker in the middle. That's me, yeah. Right, raise his arm up. All

right. There we are.

One more.

One more like that. Yeah, and when you're writing it down, you make sure

mention that nobody messes with Glyn Tucker.

Nobody. Right, nobody.

Yeah? Yeah. Nobody messes with a Tucker. No.

That's Glyn with a G, though.

Nice. Right, I think I've got everything I need there.

Hey, what's he going to be in? The Cigaric Times.

Ooh.

Times. When? When?

Tonight's edition.

Tonight?

I hate to be telling you this.

Don't mention them.

But I am prepared to sell you the rights to my life story.

When you're ready to wave the right wand there.

Right.

That way.

Bellamy?

Right.

Get the man.

Eh?

Welcome to Tide on Pebbles.

We're reopening today, which is just the sort of thing you readers will want to

know. If I stood you, I thought you could take a few pictures, generate a

life. Sorry, I'm late as it is.

Please.

It'll only take two minutes.

I really need this.

Right, just the one, though, yeah?

Right? Yeah.

Yeah? Ready? In the window?

Good. Make sure you stress this is a family business, yeah?

A home -from -home experience in my very own house. Hiya!

Can we have a natter?

No, no. Well, it's just that... What is it? Bobby wants a divorce.

Oi, put the camera down, bat.

It should be a formality at this point. I mean, me and Bobby have been sleeping

together for months now. You could have him for adultery if you wanted.

What the hell do you think you're playing at, Bobby?

I'm trying to drum up some treasure. Do you care at all about what you're making

me look like right now? Listen, I... No, don't listen to me, Bobby Tucker!

Do you want a divorce?

Fine. You've got your bloody divorce name. Shut up!

And of course we'd love you to be a bride's maid.

Really, Bobby?

Fine.

I'd love to.

So I said to him, now, listen, Malcolm, I'm going to keep it simple, because

that's where you are.

Simple. Oh, nice.

I said, now, you sort your kids, or I'll sort you.

Amazing. Oh, I get it.

It's your cut.

You earned it.

Crack it.

OK, everybody, it's a Scooby -Rooby -Dabbler on me tonight.

Yeah? OK, all the usuals. A coma for Billy and a key ma and a.

All right, now, this is my treat.

No arguing.

We'll have a bit of that.

Oh, yeah. Is that the multi -express?

Go right, then. Come on, then.

It's time. I'm not prepared to be impressed, but... All right, I've got a

one, yeah? So get those burners on.

How do I look for him?

You look great.

Come on. It's great.

I'm coming.

Come have a look, Les. It's amazing.

Oh, no.

What is it?

Nothing.

Where's the plaque?

So, uh, I was thinking, everybody has a plaque these days.

Tacky. So, uh, I was thinking we could try something a little different.

What?

Do you remember when you were young?

I was watching that.

What's the matter?

You look like a silly ghost.

Oh, the Trigaric Times.

Oh, lovely. Did they give you a good writer?

No, Peg.

No, they didn't.

I have tried all day to get some work in next door.

I've put boards up, I've put banners up, I've put bunting up, I've rang anyone

I've ever met and some I haven't.

It's all pointless.

Because this article has just made me a laughing stock.

I'll never get another client again.

Well, it can't be that bad, can it?

Not so much tied -on pebbles, but more trouble -on cobbles.

A warring family try to cover the cracks as beefcake husband Bobby... It really

says that.

..and his vacuous airhead of a fiancée... Oh, Les!

..have a screaming row with would -be stylist... ..would -be...

..Natalie Tucker.

Over a divorce that seems long overdue.

If you don't mind screaming and shouting,

Tide on Pebbles is now reopened for business.

Well, they do say you're open.

Shut it, Glenn.

No, I... Double on cobblers, you've got to admit.

They're very clever, aren't they?

Double on cobblers.

I wouldn't be so smug.

Eh? Mad Malcolm's looking for you.

Me? Why?

Word in the village is you're a liar.

Ah, that's rubbish.

They're saying that robber tripped over you and it was an accident.

No. No, no, they are making that up.

It's on CCTV, Glenn.

Eh? It's all over my Twitter feed.

What? Oh.

Really?

Let's have a look.

sack of turd.

I need some fresh air.

I won't be wanting you to make a speech at my wedding now, Glenn, if that's

okay.

Bobby?

Well, there you are. That's more code for us, eh?

Come on, go. Go and get the plates out.

Why, Dad?

I was so proud of you.

I don't know.

For once, everybody thought I was special.

And I liked it.

But I didn't want it to stop.

Oh, bloody time.

Hope you remembered my keema naan.