Original subtitles

One, two...

Is that the scooter shop?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, my scooter won't go.

What model is it? Model?

It's a... Panther.

How old is that?

Two years. Yeah. OK. And what's wrong with it? What's wrong with it? Well,

knackered, isn't it? That's what's wrong with it.

It's a wider rush.

The buyer's tasseling to complete.

She wants in soon enough.

I want to tell her to take a flying jump.

I'm telling Dad, you know that. I don't want to lose her.

I'll see you upstairs then.

OK, start in the kitchen.

And, Bobby, thanks for this. It means a lot.

I thought you couldn't move into your salon till next week.

I can't. That's why Swellhead's helping out.

Swellhead? You know him? Runs a storage place top of town.

Gone out like a snake with paradise.

Massive. Oh, him.

I've known him for years.

He used to sit in front of me in school.

I thought you can't spell.

You never saw the blackboard.

Oi!

Anyway, he threw me a deal where he takes everything in for 200 quid, so I

it. Stay put, man.

Who else am I going to have to talk to when you're gone? Please don't.

You know I need this.

Oh, I'm going to miss you.

Me too.

Of course I charged it.

Can you try the ignition?

Can I do that now?

Okay. Now listen.

Make a funny noise, yeah? How much weight's on it? What do you mean, how

weight is on it?

This thing must take 20 stone, mate.

Well, how much? Eh?

Are you 20 stone? Of course I'm not 20 bloody stone, you cheeky gads.

Guess who's out the big house today?

Mickey Guns. It's been six months already.

Yeah, got time off from being a good boy, apparently.

Mickey Guns has never been a good boy. I know.

Looks a clap, though. And a liar.

Horrible. Horrible.

But if he gets his hands on any mobile phones, I wouldn't mind first dibs. Oh,

absolutely.

What? No, look, I'll show you now.

OK. Have a look at this.

Okay.

See? That's it. Are you doing it now?

It sounds like it's moving, sir.

I'll call you back.

Still nothing?

That's three days now. My bladder's fuller than a fat man's sock.

I don't know what to do, Peg.

Having a pee would be a good start. I know that.

But I can't go, can I?

There's only one thing for it, then.

Peg?

Peg!

What's there for?

Time to flush you out.

How old?

20? Oh.

This is a totally less idea.

I hope so.

Lucky thing's cheap.

Oh, don't worry. They are mad for tanning, Ponty. I was there last week

Asda. It's like being in the middle of Oompa Loompa land.

Coming through.

Are you forgetting something?

Come on, you two. This is heavy.

Careful with that, Bob.

See what's written on the side?

Pringles. No, fragile.

I'm only kidding, man. That's my mother's crystal glasses, isn't it? The

could never use. Exactly. So handle with care, yeah?

Leave it to us, amigo. We know what we're doing.

Thank you so much for letting me help you like that.

Well, you're the tanning expert, aren't you?

Aw, there's nothing to say.

Time to move on, eh?

Fresh start.

I ate a horse once that weighed that much.

Very funny.

A fat horse.

Leave it. I'm on a diet, all right? Since when?

Since now.

So you don't want any breakfast now? No.

Die, darling. A little bacon butty. Do you want one, Murph?

No.

Although, um, now I'm here, I might have a bit of bacon and

a sausage, perhaps.

A couple of eggs and some mushrooms.

Oh, portobelloes, please.

And a slice of toast.

White.

Lots of salty butter.

You are not wanting anything, then, Glenn?

No.

No, just a cup of tea for me.

No sugar.

No milk.

No tea.

Shall I shake up a water, then? Yes.

And would you like that?

Hot or cold.

As it comes.

Your word works well, Eddie's charging at the store this lot. I know, it's

outrageous. He'd be a mugger if he could get a balaclava to fit him.

So I've been thinking.

Oh, here we go.

Just chuck these screws in the back and leave the sink into me.

Don't you see?

This is the perfect opportunity for me to save her some cash.

No, sure, I'll always be there for her.

She'll eat every penny when she gets those bright lights. Bright lights?

She's going to Ponty Bob, not Cowan Vega.

Scythe, where'd we start it?

Clocks lock up.

Clocks in Scythe.

Thinks well.

Since he drove back from his uncle's funeral.

What's wrong with that? He nicked yours.

Oh, fair enough.

Well, he wouldn't mind that I fused his plate. Prove he got two then, eh?

Prove he haven't got a cleat.

I got one in the back of the van.

Cracking eggs, Peg.

Delicious.

Will you stop that preaching?

Stop what?

That slurping.

What slurping?

There it is again.

Slurping and spitting and swirling and glugging.

I can't take it anymore.

What's wrong with him, then?

He hasn't been in...

Anything but.

That's it.

Just in time, boy.

Which one of you is going to be my guinea pig?

Guinea pig?

Yeah. To have an all -over on me. You can be LA gold, autumn bronze, or

tinseltown teak.

No thanks.

Oh, come on. I've got a great body.

Billy, what about you?

No, thanks.

Excellent. Put this on.

A hat.

It doesn't go on your head.

Still nothing?

Well, what goes in must come out, so put another glass of water.

Oh, Christ on a bike, no.

Perhaps I should ring Dr. Callard?

No. But it could be serious.

Your kidneys or something?

You think I don't know that?

That's why I'm not having a doctor.

What?

I don't want to spend my last days in a hospital bed.

There's no way to go, people prodding and poking you.

Please, you've got me worried now.

No doctor.

How do I look?

Nice. Ridiculous.

Right, that's it. I'm not doing it.

Oh, please, Billy.

I really need to see how it works before I open it up on client.

For me.

Please.

Fine. No pit -taking, yeah?

Absolutely. Right.

What next?

Put these on.

Start turning.

Can it?

Yeah, like a cuppa.

I'm not doing it if they're looking.

Right, we're off. Sorry.

Hungry, Glenn?

No. Never.

Why are you so desperate to lose weight?

Cos I want to get fit. You know, get a job.

A job?

Yeah. You've been sitting on your arse for years. Why now?

Well, Mum, I pay for your bills, you know.

Well, well.

Miracles do happen.

OK. Well, I'll... I'll help you.

You? Well, I'll train you.

It's going to be hard, I know that.

And you'll feel pain.

A lot of it. But I'm prepared to make that sacrifice for you, Glenn.

No, no, you're all right.

Suit yourself.

Change your mind.

Know what I am.

Am I done?

Come on.

How do I look?

Jesus Christ!

What?

What is it? Bloody hell.

Hey, the Incredible Hulk's lost a bit of weight, huh?

Oh, God, love him.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my cow and God!

What have you done?

I don't know!

Well, couldn't you see what you were doing?

I hit him off and...

It's not a different colour than it says on the tin. What?

Green? It normally calms down once it hits the skin. This must have oxidised.

Oxidised?

Oxidised! He must have thought it indirect sunlight.

Knockoff Nigel?

You bought this off Knockoff Nigel?

No.

Well, I didn't have a choice, did I?

The clock's in prison for crashing that hood.

What about going to a shop, Pat?

Like normal people.

Sorry, I didn't have that sort of money.

Colonel! Hey, hey, stop being such a grinch, will you?

No, stop it.

More like a ninja turtle.

Stop being so childish, Bobby.

Oh, he's suddenly having a laugh. Yeah, well, he's my boyfriend.

He should be supporting me.

Sorry. Wait, come off.

Tell me you'll come off. Yeah, it'll calm down.

Calm down.

Calm down!

In a day or two.

In a day or two?

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

I don't think I can take any more. I can't think straight.

My body's starting to eat itself.

Eat itself?

Oh, dear God, I'm seeing two of you.

Starvation has kicked in. I'm starting to hallucinate.

What's happening?

I don't know how much more punishment my body can take, ma 'am.

The hunger, the deprivation.

How long has it been now?

Hour and a half. Oh, dear God.

To somebody my size, that's like days.

Weeks even.

Look. Look at me.

I can feel my bones.

It's falling off me.

I better check.

Nothing. Oh, dear God.

Help me.

Come on. Stop your blubbing. I'm getting him onto the settee.

Take it easy now, Di. I'm phoning the doctor!

Take it easy, Di.

I'm well at the end now.

Back to normal.

Nobody knows anything.

Crap, Ed.

Hey, keep your voice down. Don't want to be caught breaking into it.

Fine.

Stop long now, Di.

Doctor's on his way.

Is that the scooter shop?

Yes. Yes, me again.

I know.

Right, listen, if, and only if, there's a weight issue, right, I'm not saying

I'm fat, but if, then I would consider trading up to your next model.

OK, let's discuss it. You could do that?

Great.

Here.

What's it called?

The hippo?

What?

I'm a panther.

I'm not a hippo.

Eh? I'm happy to praise the hippo. No, I don't want your bloody hippo.

He threw you here, Dr. Callard.

Oh, thank God you're here, Doc.

I've been over -dieting, and I think my vital organs have gone into shutdown.

I'm not here to see you, Mr. Tucker. I'm here to see a Mr.

Up -and -Down.

He's here.

Now shift your lard and give us a bit of peace.

What? You would?

So, what seems to be the problem?

We're in.

Same thing.

This is brilliant.

Clock will never know, and Nats will have a tour in the back door.

I'm telling you, I'm going to be flavour of the month.

Come on, Nick, the bloody van.

Nicky, go.

Obviously, you're in a lot of pain, so I'll need to rule a few things out.

I'll take a little blood and do a PSA test.

PSA? It's a protein produced by the prostate.

Prostate? The results will be back very soon, and in the meantime, I'll do a

quick rectal exam.

What's that?

Well, I use a gloved and lubricated finger to... Stop right where you are.

I fought in the army to be a free man, to have my human rights, not to have

young men put their digits up my rectal.

If not, she's going to go total tonto. She need never know. Never know?

I think she might have a sneaky suspicion something's wrong when she

a new place and she's got jackal to sit on. Look, we'll get the stuff back, no

problem. How?

Our rep, innit?

Look, once Mickey knows it's our van, he'll crap himself and then give it

If it isn't. Of course it's him. But what if it's not?

Look, I'll get word out we're after her. All right? Put some feelers out.

This is a simple procedure.

You won't feel a thing.

You promise, Peg?

Yes, love.

Just take deep breaths, little Peg, now, eh?

And breathe.

And breathe.

Now, you've asked for this.

Now, push them out!

Come on!

Hey, your Mickey's back.

He's not out till tomorrow.

Back tomorrow.

Shakira was born in this room.

Aw, that's so lush.

Lots of good memories.

I really admire you for doing this.

Starting out on your own again.

And I was thinking, rather me and Bobby were thinking, when are you going to

divorce?

Divorce?

Well, now would be a good time, Bobby thinks.

Really?

Yeah, well...

Things are moving pretty fast between us, and once you sort that out, then me

and him can move on too.

Move on?

He wants to marry me.

What?

He's asked you?

Well, not yet.

He will.

Oh, so dead.

Went like a dream. Where's Bobby?

He's just opened some business.

Fallen up two leads, working all that.

Should be back in an hour or... All right?

Right now, he's out.

All right?

Yeah, fine.

And you?

Fine.

You sure about this? Trust me, road work is a beast.

That'll soon shift it. Yeah.

Take it.

Come on, Glenn.

Run! Run!

Run!

Run!

And you didn't scratch nothing, did you?

No, I promise.

Everything went as smooth as.

David?

I'm texting round. Nicky's not even out yet. He gets out tomorrow.

There could be anyone.

I know.

Billy and Bob here.

There's no answer next door.

What have they done now?

Nothing. I think they'll be pleased to see me for once.

In.

Well, some good news for you two.

Bloody hell.

Struck little brother.

Did you report your van as stolen today?

Stolen? Why would we? How is it safe?

Because it's just been found abandoned on Heads of the Valleys Road.

Abandoned? Oh, definitely not. It was obviously a mistake.

You know, there's plenty of vans about.

Orange and white.

And red, that colour. Gee, red.

Poplar, yeah.

Tucker's catering written on the side.

You sure about that?

Oh, yeah.

I've been reading for years now.

And what was in the back?

Nothing.

Please tell me that my stuff is already in storage, Bobby.

It's a long story.

Right, well, I'll be off then, bro.

See you later.

Found keys are at the station.

Collect at your convenience.

Oh, it's Bobby.

Hello.

So the good news is that it all felt perfectly normal, and I had a good

around in there, so that must be a relief.

So what else could it be?

Well, my instinct now is that it's probably a urine infection.

Just that? Just that.

So that is good news, eh?

And I've given you the prescription for penicillin, so three times a day, and

start as soon as possible.

Thank you, Doctor. No problem.

And if you don't feel any better in two days, just call.

I'm more than happy to pop into you again.

I was trying to help you.

Do me a favour, Bobby.

Never, ever try to help me again.

Look, we'll get it all back.

I promise.

Me and Billy have been ringing round.

Oh, that's all right then.

An idiot and a little green man are on the case. What could possibly go wrong?

For Christ's sake, Bobby.

Come on, don't be like that.

How do you want me to be?

the chance to change my life for the better.

And now everything I own is gone.

We've never had a law, you know that.

But what we had, I was proud of.

I worked hard for it.

But now it's afresh to help with nothing.

You've left us with nothing.

Just leave, Bobby.

Please.

Mickey Gums is out.

Kenny Shed's just in him in the bookies.

I want the lot back now.

Come on.

What?

Come on.

No more. I can't take another step.

I can't go on. Please.

Just leave me here, man.

Leave me and thank you.

Please.

Do you think I take pleasure in this?

Do you think it's fun for me?

It's hurting me too, you know.

Now, shift your fat butt and get back on the road. Now!

Come on.

Come on, this way.

I

tell

you what, Cliff.

I'm proud of you, boy. That last set of sit -ups was a killer.

Come on. Have a look. You can thank me later.

One, two, three.

Two pounds.

I put on two pounds.

How?

I've never done so much exercise in my life. I don't know. Maybe muscle weighs

more than fat.

Yes, that'd be it.

You done good today, boy.

Same time tomorrow.

Hey, you're the tiger!

Come on.

Last one today.

I thought I was going to die, Peg, love.

I know.

But you're not, are you?

So come on, get it down here.

Oh.

Oh. What?

Oh.

Why?

Oh. Oh.

Oh. You peep it?

Oh. Oh.

Oh, there she goes.

Oh, I've got her.

I'll tell her. You make a start.

Right?

All of it? Yeah. I'm going to bring it all back in now.

Bobby.

Thank you.

I know you're only trying to do something nice.

Chloe's trust us, amigo.

We never let you down.

You know that.

Right. Where do you want me to put that?

Is that the scooter shop?

Yep. Good.

I want to talk to you about your hippo. What topic?

One of our most powerful scooters. He will not be disappointed.

So he'll step up.

Very reasonably bright. Yep.