Original subtitles

One, two, three.

Gentlemen of the committee, or, dare I call you, fellow committee members.

Now, I say this with confidence... There's a rat in the garden.

Yeah, I know.

He's but 70 and lives in the bog.

Hey, listen.

Gentlemen of the committee... With me now!

Eh?

Oh.

This has got to change.

I want that. Go on.

I knew.

That one day this moment would come.

Thank God you've seen sense.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Leave it to me.

Murphy! Come on, time you're on your way.

Pack your bags and shift your ass.

Not him.

Eh? This rubbish.

Oh. This garden is a junkyard. Clear it.

No, sorry, I've got an interview with the committee at three o 'clock.

And you say I've got to pack my bag?

This speech is my ticket to the big time, you know.

My chance to come somewhere and take my belt off and give your fat ass a good

levery. That's what I've got to put up with, ma 'am? Do you know what he is? A

nasty old man.

Stop it!

Both of you!

This garden is the one thing that you're responsible for, Glenn. Am I?

Yes. Yes.

I do the bills, the shopping, the washing, the cleaning.

What do you do?

The garden.

So sort it.

But the thing is, right, chances to go on the committee come up so rare. I've

only got this because Tommy One Lung died. Please, I've got to be there.

I've got to be there. You can go.

When this is tidied. Oh, but ma 'am. Enough!

Enough is enough.

Sort it.

Chop, chop.

And you can help him.

Or I'll have to come surround to rip that old bog down like they should have

years ago.

What do you write, Gal?

Mr. Bitt is retiring.

The new window cleaners are going to be the Buffet Up Boys.

So?

Who's the Buffet Up Boys?

They sound like ripe doughnuts.

It's us.

Us? I put these little booties all over town last night.

You what?

The average house has got three windows at two quid a pop.

That six a house, ten men's a house, is two seventy a day.

Sounds good?

No. It sounds terrible.

You don't even know who Mr. Britt is.

And I don't care.

By the time he pulls his finger out of his jacksie, we'll be coining it.

I'm telling you now, really, boy, this is a bad idea.

Please, Nan. I'm just trying to bring in some money for the family.

And I made a graph.

Bobby, first thing we'll need is a bucket.

Come on, Murph.

Let's get this old junk into the lady.

That's not junk.

That's my belongings.

Belongings? You've got a lifetime of stories in your arms there, Glenn.

Eh? Put them down.

What? Down.

OK?

Right. Wobbly, this has got to be rubbish, yeah? Get that down now.

It's just a jar of old sand, for Christ's sake.

That's my horse's ashes.

Trixie, what you doing out here?

I put her out here every morning to get a breath of fresh air.

Right.

Down.

Careful.

This. That's got to be rubbish, eh?

That's a toilet chain, Glyn. Yeah, exactly.

People always need toilet chains.

You know that as well as I do.

Down.

Don't mind me.

Sorry, Babs.

What are you doing?

Grab that for me, love.

Conditioner. Then I'll be out your way.

Oh, and I haven't come up.

Oh, have you seen the straighteners?

I've got no privacy, man.

Come on.

I need it back.

Yeah, you be careful with that.

That's an absolute treasure, that back of this.

Boss, we need one of them rubber bleed things they used to.

Aye.

Cheers, Merv. Aye, Merv.

Ignore him.

What are you doing?

Driving to Vegas.

What's it look like?

Listening to music, aren't we?

Well, why, yeah? Because we want some privacy.

Got it. Great.

We got an extendable squeezy sponge -headed window cleaner now.

Of course I have.

Cracking, where?

Under the stairs.

With my goose, the crap's gold.

Gotcha.

Can I use that?

Yes.

And that?

Yeah.

All right.

Down.

Down.

Right, OK.

Tell you what, this isn't quite working, is it?

So why don't you sort through the belongings?

And I'll make a start on trimming the hedge, yeah? Fine.

Right, good.

Hey.

Can I hear my speech?

No.

Gentlemen of the committee, or dare I call you, fellow committee member.

Now, I say this with confidence, because I know you're all fiddling the bingo,

and you don't want that getting out, do you?

Ha -ha.

Ha -ha.

Thought I'd start off with a little joke, you know.

Fantastic.

Well, it's my expertise, isn't it, no? Speech -making. You idiot.

Yes. See, Glenn?

Never throw anything away.

Where are you going, Matt? It seems impolite to find such a fine lady and

say hello.

But we've got work to do.

Matt!

Matt!

That bucket clean?

Clean and hot and ready to trot. Cracking.

All we need now is some ladders and we are in business.

We haven't got any ladders.

But Matt's has.

Really?

Dad's being an idiot.

He freaked Richie out. Do not disturb.

Fine. You can't say.

I, uh... Speaking of which, I'll just grab the iPad.

Christ, look at that eye.

An easy fight, you said.

Well, he was hard to hit.

He was on crutches, Mum.

Yeah, one crutch, and he smacked me with it.

Anyway, how would you fancy having your windows done?

You what?

Me and Billy got our own go -in.

You won't even know where you're at. I'm behind as it is.

We'll do it for free.

What's the catch?

No catch.

OK. Yeah, fine.

Hello? One thing.

Can we borrow your ladders?

We're in business.

Come on.

Come on.

Hello, bonjour.

Je suis Pascal.

J 'ai tant attendu ton appel.

Je suis très excité ce matin.

Oh, là, là.

Melvin? Din?

Thought you were the client.

Client? Yeah.

Since the stripping work dried up, I signed on with an agency in Cardiff.

I speak filth in French for three quid a minute.

Very impressive.

Did it at 11?

No, not the French.

The three -quarter minute.

I know.

Kept one book on for half hour yesterday.

Paid the gas with it.

Anyway, I'm just ringing to find out what Chairman Mao's favourite tipple is.

You know, I want to make an impression.

I'll call you back, Mao.

What are you doing?

I'm deciding to help.

With a gun?

I want to see.

A ratty little friend is made of.

Now Murphy, put the... Murphy!

Put the gun down!

Put it down!

Right. If we're going to stick to schedule, we've got to do this out in

minutes tops.

Ready?

Steady?

Go.

Oh, can we now?

Stop it!

Shut it!

You put that down!

I swear I will smash this to pieces!

You leave it alone.

You put that gun down, old man, or your Trixie will be blowing in the breeze.

You wouldn't dare.

I didn't mean that.

I swear. You sack of shit.

I'm going to think about what you're doing now.

Murphy!

Murphy!

You're a dead man.

How's it going?

Good. Very good.

Then what the hell is that?

That's the, uh... What's this new battle screen thing we put on first?

Yeah, we leave her on for a few minutes and then peel her off. We leave the

whole thing gleaming.

Like glass.

It is glass.

Please listen, Bobs.

If the buffed -up boys turn out to be the cocked -up boys, my day's ruined.

Got it?

Yeah, of course.

No worries about that, though.

Promise me you'll sort it out, yeah?

Yeah, on it.

What? Murphy's trying to shoot me.

Stop bickering. Get on with it.

What?

Jesus! You definitely put clean water in our bucket didn't you boss? Yes, you

saw me.

And where do you get these sponges from? Well, back of our van.

The ones we used last week to soak that oil leak up?

Might have been.

Jesus, Bobby!

Ta -da!

Got you this.

Oh, brilliant.

The amazing world of snakes.

Cool, thank you.

He took you with his boyfriend, remember, yeah?

Boyfriend? Just me.

Don't think so.

They're up in the room now having a cut.

They what?

Just a little, like, nothing too much.

I knew it. I looked into his eyes and I knew he couldn't be trusted.

I'm not having it.

Where you at?

Ten minutes there should be.

Get him down here.

Get who down here? The little git who's taking advantage of our daughter.

You've fallen off the ladder, haven't you, Red?

I'll kill him.

Out!

Come on!

What's going on, Dad?

Richie's leaving.

Why? Out!

What are you doing?

True.

Oh god.

Oh no.

You?

You're the buffeted up boys.

So? So, you've nicked my round.

You're Mr. Ben? Yeah, and you're in the shit.

A cuddle? A long one.

And we all know what that leads to.

No, tell us.

Well, to a... You know. He bought me a magazine.

Exactly. He knows where he's up to.

He's my friend.

Not in my house, he's not.

It's not your issue. Don't pay the mortgage.

Let's not go down that road. I'm her father.

And a crap one.

Don't start.

When was the last parents' evening you went to?

Dentist check -up.

Took her swimming.

Fixed my bike.

Well?

Well, I'm busy, aren't I? You're never there for her.

You spend most of your time with Tricia.

Who's Tricia?

Lush.

Oh, I didn't know that was her name.

Jesus, Bob. And now you've terrified her best mate in the whole world.

I hate you.

I always liked to know you were Mr Bitt. The only people we've ever seen doing

that round is the Latvian brother.

Yeah, for me.

I was a good earner. I can't have this sort of thing.

I'll be a laughing stock.

Fair enough.

Why are you going to have to give you a hiding?

You know how they get a rat out of a dream pipe, Billy boy?

What are you doing?

They shake him out.

You're a hincher.

Down a runner.

What's going on?

Cock with the bit.

You fucking hit.

Now I'm stuck up a ladder.

Is this a joke?

What did I tell you?

Only trouble would come of this.

But you wouldn't listen to your nan, would you?

This is all you're doing. Thanks, Peg, but I've got this covered. Stand back.

What do you think you're doing? We're getting him down, innit?

Give him a smack, by all means. He deserves it.

But you shake him down and break his bones and I'll stop our little business

deal. What business do you have? Shut it!

I mean it, clock.

Fine.

That's the smacking it is, then.

Nan! Got to come down at some point, Billy boy.

The thrill, as they say, is in the chase.

Men.

Of all the clap that comes out of your trap, they're like brother and sister,

and you've gone and put your big, stupid paw in it. Anna, this could be

important.

No. It's not. You go and find your daughter and you apologise.

Now. Never.

She's too young for boys.

You're not still at it.

He's a friend, you cow and mule. Friend?

I know 12 -year -old boys and trust me, there's only one thing on their mind and

it's not Lego. You go and find her and apologise or don't bother coming round

mine again.

Or mine. What?

You're rude.

I can't help it if I've got high standards, can I?

Double standards, Warwick. Eh?

You were 11 when you were caught snogging Madonna Morgan down the Lido.

Yeah, but I was different.

Why? Because I'm a boy.

Let me.

Out!

You've been shacked.

Clock's going to beat me up.

Not now, Billy.

Knocky, knocky, only clocky.

Always a pleasure, Peg.

Oh, yeah.

Good boy.

There's a lot of eggs.

You know Clocks, little brother, Watch?

Yeah. Well, Watch got a job in a laundrette at the bottom of town.

He nicks the stamp receipts.

Right. Then I send them to all the restaurants in Cardiff, saying they wait

tip coffee all over me, and if they don't pay the dry cleaning, I'll troll

on Twitter.

Got to move with the times, haven't we?

Come on, Glenny, I'm loaded and waiting. This job obviously means everything to

me. I've been up all night thinking about it.

And also because my pals, they give me a lot of jip.

But trust me when I say they will not interfere with my committee work.

Oh, God, I'm not going to make it.

Come on, Flynn.

Oh,

God.

Won't be long now.

You'll soon eat some food, piss, bed even.

Don't worry.

Old Clark will still be here.

Cut, cut.

Just wait.

My baguette is big and it's a treat for the eyes.

Marvin, it's clean.

For Christ's sake, man, clean. Get off the line, I'm working.

Just please, pop up and tell the committee that I might be a bit late.

Late? For a committee meeting, you mad?

You'd better have a bloody good reason.

I'm being held at gunpoint.

Isn't it?

Billy's lunch.

I'll make sure he gets it.

And there's a few more addresses coming through.

Three Indians, a Chinese and two Italian.

And that big calf down bottom of the spot. Enough to be cragging on with. I'm

it.

Mmm. Cheese and pickle, my favourite.

Come on, Clockman, I'm starving you. Not my problem, amigo.

Open up. I need the toilet.

Idiot.

All finished up there? Yeah.

The whole bottle.

Oh, thank God you're here, Dad. The clock's going to bat them in.

I'm going to die today.

Die. And nobody cares.

Nobody. And I've got four minutes to get there.

Still just me and you then, Billy boy.

Au revoir, mon amour.

Mon coeur souffre à chaque heure passée sans te voir.

Plein de bisous.

I made it.

Where the shit have you been?

I made it.

I made it.

Tell me I made it.

They left half hour ago.

Left? They finished early.

Appointed a new member.

Johnny Clapshack.

Took the chair's nephew?

Yeah. Looks like he was a stitch -up.

Thanks.

It's your last chance.

Right. I'm counting.

Three, two... Bobby, get away.

Go away.

It's me, love.

Give him a chance, eh?

Shall I start counting again?

I just want to say, I, uh... Well, sometimes I don't think.

And I just, um... I just,

um... Anyway,

I got you these.

What's this?

Some music.

CDs?

For you and Richard to listen to.

They're all new.

Thanks, Dad.

Just wasn't to be this time, Muff.

But my chance will come.

Never give up.

That's what I always say.

You never say that.

Yeah, but I'm saying it now, aren't I?

Jesus.

Sorry.

You know, the thing is, I think if they'd heard my speech, that would have

it. Well, you're a natural, aren't you?

Everyone knows that.

I am.

Do you want to hear it, Mervyn?

Aye, go on, then.

Gentlemen of the committee, or dare I call you, fellow committee members.

Now, I say this with confidence, because I know you've been fiddling in the

bingo. You wouldn't want that, would you?

Bye.