Original subtitles

So remember, I want you out of the house tonight. Di's coming for a sleepover.

Sleepover? Leg over, more like.

I'm going to ask him to be my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? A man's 80. I deserve to be caught improper.

I am tired of having to grab it where we can. My house is flat, the back of the

bushel. Stop right where you are.

That's enough of the sordid little details, thank you very much.

Oi, that's mine.

Sorry, Dad, Aunt Marvin.

I always think toast tastes way better when someone else makes it.

I do, babe.

Yours is luscious.

Yours is luscious.

Yours is luscious.

Take the bloody toast.

You're not going back upstairs, are you, boy? I need supplies tonight.

That girl hasn't left your room in nine days.

Ten. We're getting to know each other.

Know each other.

If she wasn't sounding so happy up there, I'd take you as a bloody hostage

situation. Jealous? I'm not.

You are. You're sopping with envy, boy. Hang on, what are you doing with that?

Well, I've got to get a dash on my dad's dinner, haven't I? I'm very happy.

Belly pork can't be rushed.

He likes it on low for seven hours with mash and mushy peas.

His false teeth don't do meat, so he has to chew with his gums these days.

He likes the juices up through a straw, bless him.

What the hell is wrong with people here?

I can't live like this.

You two, pawing each other and talking drivel all day long. And you, up there,

at it, like a farm animal.

Where's your dignity, boy?

And as for you, bragging about bonking a one -legged 80 -year -old on a bus

shelter.

A bus shelter.

You know what all this is about, don't you?

You're a miserable git because you can't get nobody.

Rubbish. Hey, Nan's got a point, Dad.

When did you last see someone?

I do all right.

Don't you worry.

Still working then, is that? You're very funny.

Must be at least ten years since you... I've got a woman!

Are you happy?

Eh?

I've got my secrets too, you know.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, I've got a girl.

In fact, I've got a date tonight.

Oh, bullshit.

Just you wait and see.

You'll see.

Tonight.

Good.

Because I want you all out of here by six.

Got it?

Here we are, ladies.

Welcome to the opening of Tide on... I need a woman.

No, you three, you're fine.

Glyn? Eh? Kitchen.

What? No!

Sorry,

ladies. I won't be a moment.

What the hell do you mean, barging in here?

It's my opening day, Glyn. I can't afford any cock -ups, so do yourself a

and sling her up. Yeah, I need a date.

What's that got to do with me? We've had loads of dates lately.

I have not.

There's been more cabs up front than Cardiff Station on a match day. Keep it

down. I know that since you found Bobby in the back of the van with his trousers

down, you've been out and about, Mads. Shut it.

This is a family crisis, yeah?

Now, you obviously know your way around the dating sites, yeah?

asking the right questions.

Yeah, doing some research. Yeah, I need to take tonight.

Smells lush.

What are you making, Nan?

I told you, there's no need to call me Nan. Does it, is it, Nan?

Bread and butter pudding.

Di's favourite.

Oh, less. What's in it?

Bread. Less.

And butter.

Oh, less.

I'll try to remember that.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Yes. Go and sit down. Lay the table. Fill in that? No.

I like to do that. Great.

Where's the knife and fork?

What's your height?

Six foot one.

Weight? Well built.

Air colour?

Brown. On the sides.

No need to mention the top bit. I can't put that. She'll see your profile

picture. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no.

I got that.

You serious?

When was this taken?

Last year. Last year?

Thereabouts.

Right. What sort of partner are you looking for? Right.

Fit and up for it.

Tall or short?

Sorry, tall.

OK. Eyes?

Two, as a must.

I colour, I meant.

Sorry, blue.

Blue, always blue.

Blue.

Eh? Definitely.

As long as it's not on her back. That's one thing I can't abide in a woman, a

hairy back.

It's not like... You meant the colour again, didn't you?

Yeah, well, I'm not shallow nuts.

It doesn't bother me.

As long as she's blonde.

Blonde.

Age? Nothing above 40.

This is the valleys, love. They're trotty, they balloon.

Tide on pebbles, Natalie speaking.

How are you, love?

Yeah, how are you?

What? Ah, that's less that is, Nan. What's next?

Next, leave the kitchen.

Leave. How long do we do that for?

Not we, you.

Out.

No.

I don't know why.

I really got the munchies today.

Remember, I don't want to hear you between six and nine.

It's me and darling time.

No, no props.

It'll be me and Dawn time too, after this.

Oh, by the way, we got any Vaseline in the house?

What for?

My pizza chaff in. Your pits?

My pets.

Chaffy. Chaffy.

Bottom cabinet.

Crag in.

Bob.

Have you told Nat that we're official yet?

I haven't had the time.

You've had ages.

Yeah, but it's fine to know, isn't it? She lives next door.

She's out sometimes.

She's there now.

She has to know we're an item.

I know.

Go tell her now, then.

You see, I think it might be better coming from you, like.

Me?

Well, maybe it'd be better coming from the both of us.

You two better grow a pair and come clean with our nuts, or I'll go and tell

her.

Right, that's your profile, then.

Crack it.

Let's get you started, Ange.

Glyn? Eh? What do you think you're doing?

Well, I'm waiting for a reply.

You'll do nothing at the thought.

You'll shut your mouth and let me get on.

iPad?

Ange, where were we?

Knock, knock. What do you mean?

Sorry, Peg, I'm working today.

Aye, it's work I've come about.

Can you fit me in for a little trim?

Yeah, of course.

Usual? No, not up there. A lady trim.

Make a nice little dye, like.

Right, well, I'll give you a bow when I'm ready.

Good girl.

Just a little more of the bottom lawn, like.

Jam. Cakes.

Chocolate.

Butter.

Ice cream.

Yoghurt.

Honey. Squirty cream.

What's your favourite thing, Mr Tucker?

Silence. That's what I like.

Absolute silence.

Hey, all ready for tonight then, Dad?

Yeah, what's she like?

Ah, go on. Is she fit?

Well, she's not fit.

Nothing to do with you.

Dad's got a girlfriend.

That's like a shite. No way.

What are you doing indoors, anyway?

Peggy's bought me a cordial telephone.

It's called a mobile nerve.

Well, I've been trying to set it up.

It's got 128 pages of instructions.

So, where do you meet this girl, then?

Bat Club?

Ah, here we go.

Is she real?

Of course she's bloody real.

Well, describe her, then.

This imaginary friend of yours.

Oh, yeah, what's he look like?

Well, she's tall, blonde, and

she's got blue eyes.

Sounds like she came in a box.

Didn't blow her up, did you?

That is it!

There was no need for that.

Oh, never mind it.

What's Simca?

Any news?

What? On my date.

It's not been half hour, Glenn. Yeah, but I... Eight!

Hey, Nux.

What's her network provider?

Do you know?

Let's try again.

Please. Later.

Please.

Later.

Please.

For God's sake, just go and do it. Look, there's plenty of time.

We just want Nath to be happy for us.

Good luck with that.

Only me.

Bobby.

Come round and make sure we're all right, like you and me, like.

Why wouldn't we be?

Oh, cos I'm dating Bobby and him still being your husband, like.

I've been meaning to come round.

It's OK, I understand.

A long journey.

Next door.

Well, now that we're official, you mean Bob?

Yeah.

I just wanted to tell you that your friendship is still very important to

us.

Well, I'll be honest, there are better ways I could have found out you two had

feelings for each other.

You know, a coffee, a call, a text even.

But finding you both half -naked on an oily rag in the back of a knackered van,

one the best.

We didn't want you to see that.

You don't say.

We don't want a row.

Nothing to do with me.

Bobby wanted mine to take.

We've moved on from being a couple a long time ago, haven't we, boss?

Yeah. So we're fine.

Okay?

Still friends?

Fine.

Thanks.

I apologise for that. Ladies, that'll be the last interruption, I promise you.

Now, where were we?

You ready to shave my bush?

Pound each way on Rob Roy at three o 'clock and give me a tour straight wind

a handsome lad in a 4 .30 at Chepto.

Nothing.

What have you been doing in there?

Nothing.

Good boy.

I'll call you back in a minute.

Anything yet? My whole reputation's at stake here.

Just give those nails a sec to dry, all right, Oliver?

I told you. It's too soon.

What?

What's happened?

You've had a response.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, thank you, God. I'm 40 years old, a professional dancer.

That's all I need to know. Settle up.

Hang on, don't you want to see her profile shot?

She's 40.

She dances.

What's it a fee?

All right, come on, then.

Oh, perfect.

Booker.

Booker? It's not a bloody bus trip, Glyn.

You've got to set a time, a place. If I were you, I'd try and make an

impression.

Take us somewhere nice.

Definitely.

Turn to the club. Half past six.

No, I'm... Get in.

I don't want you back here a minute before nine o 'clock. Got it?

Got it.

Right.

How do I look?

You look good, boy.

Thanks, man.

Show him in.

You look good, Bert.

Mind if I take my leg off?

My stump itches like a bugger in this weather.

Of course, beaut.

Pop it off and put your foot up.

Good to see you out.

A date, you say?

Ah, you know me, Mal, I like to dip my toe every now and again.

Yes, even us lone wolves have to take our water.

Trust me, she's an absolute stunner.

And you're a lone wolf.

Well, take what you want and move on has always been my motto. You know why I

always say that?

You never said that once.

Yeah, but I'm saying it now, innit? And you've seen her.

I've seen her pick.

Oh, trust me, she's a scorcher. Yeah. Oh, you won't miss her. She'll be

a red dress.

And how old do you say she was again?

Forty.

Dancer.

Professional.

And we all know what that means, don't we?

Sure do.

I've had my fill over the years.

Oh, aye, you have that now, aye.

Getting women never been a problem for me, as you know.

You?

No, you're a totty magnet.

You're a shag monster.

We all know that.

Umpum and dumpum, I always say. Yeah, same as me.

We're a couple of dogs, aren't we, eh?

A woman can smell success on a man, see?

They can spot a man who's going places.

A man who thinks big.

£2 .25, please, then.

Yeah, do you mind if I put that on the tap?

Oh, yeah, we're a catch, really.

Jesus Christ.

This trigaric social.

Aye. Right shit all, innit?

Aye. I'll have a can of cider.

What type have you got there? I don't care what you've got, just give me the

strongest.

You know, a glintucker.

Glintucker, you say?

No, no, doesn't ring a bell.

35, well built.

Brown Eyre runs his own successful business.

No, I can't say I know that, Glint, okay?

What about you, Fatty?

You heard of him?

I've got a date with him tonight.

If he don't show up, I swear, as I stand here now, I will hunt him down and nail

his test. Stick hold to this bar.

I've had too many bad dates recently.

This bloke had better be the real thing.

Are you sure you don't want to finish your pint there, Jerry?

Thanks for coming today, Olive, and giving me a chance.

I'm sorry about all the interruptions. I know I messed up.

I'll be telling everyone about what happened today. Oh, no, please don't.

ruin me before I start.

Do you want a bath?

It'll make you.

This is the best day I've had in Yonk's life.

Not a dull moment, yeah?

I'll see you next week.

Better than the soaps this place is.

I thought you had a date.

Not a boy.

Delicious peg.

Falling off the bone.

There's something I want to ask you about.

Anything. The thing is... I'm back.

Why is his leg off?

I thought we agreed he was to stop leaving bits of himself everywhere.

What the hell are you doing back here?

It's a long story.

No, it ain't. It's short.

This short.

Out. And don't come back till after nine.

Yeah, but I... Haven't you got it yet, boy?

Me and your mum need some grown -up time.

Mum! You heard him.

It's bloody ridiculous.

Ridiculous!

Now... Where was I?

Oh, God.

Hey, girly boy.

You know what that is?

Oh, here we go. 4 .30 at Chepstow.

Yeah, good for you.

I'm a winner, see?

Not like you.

Skulking around the back, yeah. Cos your imaginary date never showed up.

She showed, all right.

Bullshit, you made her up. Didn't. Dead. The only reason I'm back here now is

cos I've already had her. Had her? Yeah.

Upstairs, in the club, on the snooker table.

Balls everywhere.

Bullshit.

Everywhere. Bullshit.

Everywhere.

The thing is...

I'm sorry my mouth is

so dry.

Just see it, Peg.

Just tell old Di whatever it is, Bute.

Di, will you?

Will you be my boyfriend?

Nothing would make me happier.

Thank you.

You silly old bugger.

Who is it?

It's me, Glenn.

If you want to talk to me...

Called me on my phone.

Eh?

Ridiculous man.

Idiot.

Hello? Who is it?

It's me, Glenn.

What do you want?

Well, it's getting pretty cold out here.

It looks really nice in there.

Yeah, I know.

Oi, spice boy, fetch us another can.

You show you want more.

You deaf as well as dull.

Get us a can.

It's just I like to shut early on a Thursday.

You're trying to make trouble with me, was I, Gammett?

No, no.

Then let's chat more crack.

Can.

I told you he was making a laugh.

He's out the back now, like a little blood is licking his wounds.

Anyway, I've got to go.

I've got to phone up Gilbert.

He'll be pissing himself too.

Gilbert,

it's me.

Hey, I've got a phone.

Oh, dear God.

What the hell is going on?

What does it look like?

He's in my seat.

Oh, stop flapping and tell us about your date.

I mean, his teeth out and his leg off is bad enough, but that's my seat.

He's all over the shop.

Oh, you're back, Dad.

How was your date? What?

All right?

Nice night, kids.

Ah, lass.

We went to the pictures.

What did you see? A film.

How did your date go? Never mind that. He is sat in my seat.

Ah, will you stop carping on and just tell us all how was your date?

Ah, come on. Yeah,

what's she look like? Tell us, Dad. Come on.

Very good.

Big success.

Ah, fantastic.

Yeah. Yes, you won't see me again. Oh, lass.

Sorry,

I'm just going to take this.

She's keen, eh?

Melvin, what's going on?

Just want to let you know, your date was drinking very heavily and getting quite

lady.

I had to get rid of her.

Oh, thank God.

Good boy.

How did you do that?

I told you where you live.

What are you doing, Dad?

Well, it's late, isn't it?

I think it's best that we all just head it off up now, eh?

It's ten past nine.

Yeah, exactly.

It's been a busy day.

Well,

that'll be me, then.

What are you playing at?

Up we all go.

Good night.

What the hell is going on, Glenn?

Ma 'am, no, please, don't answer the door.

Please, ma 'am, just... Tell them I'm not here, ma 'am.

How many are to see you?

You?

Yes.

35 and ruggedly handsome.

What about you?

40s? Born in the 40s, more like it. How old's that bloody photo?

About ten years younger than yours, I reckon.

What's happening? Nothing. And since when was well built about F .A .T.? And

you're bald as well, you lying gets.

Who's she? No one.

Oh, yeah? Are you a professional dancer, are you? Where was that? The Titanic?

What's the noise about there? Oh, God, not you as well.

No, it's Dave. I wouldn't be seen dead with this bloke.

This is your girlfriend, isn't it, Glenn?

The one you had tonight over the snooker table? No, I never said... He says he

had me.

Aye, balls everywhere. No, that's not exactly... On the snooker table?

Everywhere, he says. No, I didn't say... Look at the state of him. Eh? He

couldn't get on the snooker table.

We're over.

Over? We never started.

You're dumped.

Ridiculous. And you left your pint, by the way.

Wouldn't want you to wait it.

Night, then.

Good night, Doc.

Do nap. Yeah. Do nap.

Do nap.

Night, Doc.