Original subtitles

One, two.

You've just wasted our last bit of shrap on an old nag.

Useless, the three of you.

Jesus, if you lost odds with Dutch, you said.

What do you expect, babe?

I'm leaving a 10 -year relationship.

I'm a six -bedroom property in Penarth with a three -view.

That's it, then.

I'm finally in.

It's a new beginning.

And happy endings.

Let's have some of the time, eh?

I'm thinking... ..a day of chill.

A lazy lunch.

Machito's in bed.

And perhaps...

Happy ending for ourselves.

We should celebrate.

Let's have a party.

A party?

Party? Oh, I love to party, me. Right, Peg?

On the scruncher, a bit of sugar, I am.

Glen, have the last breakfast.

Well, it's onion toast.

Roberto's thinking of having a party. To celebrate his moving in. Isn't he,

love? Am I?

Oh, brilliant.

We could do the big do.

Uh, we?

The business, of course.

When he makes sense, the tuckers do the catering. What catering?

Don't you worry your pretty little hair about that. You leave it to old Peg.

I'll be back in a bit with my byro.

What?

I said nothing.

Family meeting.

I've got a bit of good news.

You'll all be pleased to know Roberto is properly moving in next door.

Is this some sort of joke?

And they're having a party to celebrate.

So you are taking the piss now, yeah?

Oi! This is not personal. This is business.

The business.

What's she been sat on, you fat asses? I've been up getting us a gig.

We do this right, we could be asked to do the engagement, the wedding, the

christening of their first child. I'm still married to a nun!

Pain?

You know what the word means?

My piles are so big right now, Dr Khaled's thinking of putting me in a

I'm sorry, but I'm having nothing to do with this.

You drag your chin off your chest and swallow your brain, good boy.

Tuckers are catering. End of.

What's that?

Er, a Bialetti.

Coffee. From heaven.

Won't get many mugs later, though.

It's respirative.

I know.

Not stupid.

Cracking news.

I booked a bingo hall.

A bingo hall? In the club?

Aye. I just came off the phone. Sorry, I thought we were talking house party.

No, you've got to think big, man.

This is a special day.

I booked it for tonight. Tonight?

Yep, I'm thinking sausage rolls, a curry vol -au -vent, lettuce baps for the

vegetarians, pop for the kids. Sorry, can I just stop you there?

Thing is, I'm looking for something a bit more ambitious than that.

We're thinking dips, right?

Yeah, but can you provide vegan dips?

I can get any flavour you want. Vegan isn't a flavour.

It's a dietary choice.

Don't panic. They'll have their own table, man.

Yeah, the thing is, I'm looking for something a bit more... Showy -offy.

At market.

Showy -offy.

Got it.

Chanting my lingo now.

What are we thinking about budget?

Just something nice.

How nice?

Something classy.

Leave it to me.

But remember, classy costs.

I'll do a ringlead.

Thanks for this, Lev.

Sweet Mother Mary has smiled on us, my boys.

Roberto, he's paying for the whole party himself.

And he hasn't put a cap on the budget.

No cap.

No cap.

So you know what that means, don't you?

We're going to fleece him.

Help me in.

Smashing. See you at six, then.

Ta -ra -ta.

Got loads of yeses. And we got Sam Chang's disco.

Sam Chang?

I know. He's brilliant.

Does the best 80s night in the valley.

And I'm going to ask Grandpa Murphy to play the violin.

Yeah, please don't.

Bit of a cliche, innit?

Gypsy on a fiddle.

What's that supposed to mean?

How did it look there?

Same as it'd look anyway. Bloody awful.

Look, I actually don't ask for much.

Half my wardrobe, three drawers from my knicker cupboard, two shelves in the

fridge. Stop it. I'm being serious.

All I want is a little bit of wall space, that's all.

Two square foot is not a lot to ask for when you've got all this tatter up

everywhere.

What do you mean by tatter?

I have no say here.

What do you mean by tat?

All I'm trying to do is introduce a bit of taste into all this. What do you mean

by tat?

Tell me now or I swear to God I'll stick that picture up your... One minute.

Just want to talk sharp about tonight.

I'm in charge of the decor.

The decor?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's my speciality in these big events.

The way things look is very important, Roberto.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I know.

I'm a hairdresser.

Great. Love hair me. We're on the same page, then.

Now, I want to suggest something dynamic for the centrepiece.

Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Come on. Just close your eyes.

And imagine a swan.

Not a real one that would shit everywhere.

No, I'm talking an ice swan.

Not a small one. Oh, no.

A big bastard.

Classy like.

What about a dome with hairy like?

Like in that posh do you took me to?

Big enough to fit in, it was.

Yeah, well, yeah, well, sorted then.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got my contacts, me.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You want a dome?

You'll get a dome.

Clock, I need a dome with fairy lights.

Yes, I know it's an unusual request, but Nats has set her heart on it.

Clock's on it.

Time to charge high. Hey.

Charge a tour, yeah, so ten for you, ten for us, nobody else knows, yeah?

Right then, teddy beyond.

And that, my boys, is how it's done.

Sorry,

am I disturbing?

Just an old man reminiscing.

Still miss her, don't you?

Now the day goes by when I don't think of her.

She was my life.

I still keep her ashes by me.

Together forever.

That's a lovely move.

When I close my eyes sometimes, I think I can feel her hair, hear her voice.

She was never so happy when I was on top of her, giving her a bit of a stick.

She was a goer.

And she knew it.

She loved nothing better than me riding her hard and fast.

The horse.

You're talking about your horse.

Oh, thank God for that. Yeah, Trixie.

Who do you think I was talking about?

Nobody. I just... My wife. Good God, no.

Take or leave her.

Trixie.

Still with me now.

Anyway, I've come to tell you, me and Roberto are having a party tonight.

Too old for parties, love.

Rubbish. I want you to come and do a tune on your fiddle.

The song you play is a Peggy 70th. It's beautiful.

I need to get out of this place.

Come on, Murph. You always play at family dues.

I want to feel the wind in my hair again.

Great. So you're on at eight, OK?

Why can't you listen to me? If I don't get out of here soon, I'm going to... Be

found dead, sat on this bog.

It's no way to end a life.

Down the shitter.

And nobody wants you to.

So grab your fiddle and shimmy up the bingo all for eight. Yeah?

And cheer her, you miserable old git.

Have you seen it?

Yes.

Tell me it's some sort of bloody joke.

Don't. I said to him, I clearly said don't.

Who sorted this for you, Glenn?

It better not have been clock. Tell me you weren't clock. It was clock, wasn't

it? Glenn with the clock?

Yes.

Twat.

Impressed?

Yeah.

I've never seen so many carbohydrates.

You're welcome.

I want you to enjoy the party, so I thought it best we get the bill out of

way early.

And by early, I mean now.

Yeah, right.

Bless you.

I thought it'd be a nice surprise.

I've given you a good discount for your practically family.

This is extortion.

Well, you've got to pay if you want top end.

I'm so glad you made it.

Where have you been? I've not seen you in yonks.

What's Bobby doing here?

He's a waiter.

Why?

Nothing. I just wasn't expecting him.

Come on, let's get on it.

Lash.

Have a squint, Lucina. See you now, 12 o 'clock. Down set.

Nice.

Sex on leg.

Time to pull out the old Billy Tucker magic.

Hey, is this for free? Yeah.

Oh, it's not. Give me the drinks.

Don't see any of your friends, yeah?

They live in Cardiff.

This is the Valleys, Roberto.

Not the Nevada desert.

Could have made an effort.

Thing is, I didn't know you'd ring anyone.

I texted them.

I can believe you.

Are you calling me a liar now?

Yeah.

I am.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

One, two, three. One, two.

If I could have your attention for a moment, please.

Go and get Grandpa Murphy.

He's on a date.

Well, we're here today to celebrate Roberto moving in with my son's wife,

Natalie.

Now, took his time about him, I do.

Cool. Took his time.

Yeah, but, you know, what man can blame him?

He had a hack into homes and he was getting double portions.

So good on you, lad.

Yeah, now, when we first met him, none of us liked him, especially Bobby.

But he's like family now.

And, you know, well, Matt and I have been with Bobby since she was 16, so she

means a lot.

A lot.

Those of you who live on the street, you'd have heard these movies because

they're like Rabbit.

Roger Rabbit.

Roger and Rabbit.

Rabbit.

So much recently, though.

I haven't heard him so much recently.

That's why we're living together, doesn't it?

My wife and I, we only made love once in the last ten years we lived together.

And it wasn't the best.

You know, no man likes to beg or be laughed at or timed.

It's embarrassing.

So raise the glass with me now, please, for the happy couple, as I ask them to

take to the floor for their first dance as Natalie and Roberto.

Natalie and Roberto.

Come on, give them a round of applause. Come on. Come on.

Don't be shy.

Take them away, Sam.

All right?

Want to dance?

Piss off.

I'm not asking you, you minger.

I'm asking you, gorgeous.

I'll think about it.

Come on, then.

The bar's free.

My bed's warm.

And the kebabs are on me.

Go on, then.

You smooth -talking bastard.

Hi, Bob.

Red or white?

I don't want a drink.

Just wanted to see how you are.

Ah, you know.

Lush.

You never called.

I wanted to.

But I couldn't.

See some fresh air?

Yeah.

I always liked to know he was going to make a speech.

He just made a laughing stock out of me.

It's not a bloody joke.

Oh, grow up here, will you?

You've tried your best.

Besides the family.

See, I can't do this.

It's a smooch, you know. You just hang around my neck and try to snog me.

Never been to a school disco?

No, no, I mean this, the whole thing.

Sorry? Oh, I look around you now. Like, the music, the food, your friends.

What's wrong with my friends?

Oh, do you know what?

I've got to be honest with you.

I owe it to you.

It's your family.

What about my family?

Your family are the worst people I've ever met.

Your house is full of them.

All of the time. I feel like I can't... Let me stop you there.

But you do understand me, yeah?

Oh, I understand you.

Now.

And I want you to go back to my house, pack your things, and leave before I set

Bobby on you.

You've been serious? This is my home.

My family.

My people. My valley.

And you think you're better than all of this.

So go back to your wife and your big house.

I deserve more.

Me? You in there, Grant?

You hear my speech earlier?

Yeah. I have a lot of great comments about it. I think it went well.

Do you think it went well?

Yeah.

Got a second.

Don't forget that kebab you promised me, though.

Money's in the back pool and ready, babe.

Come here, Rockefeller.

Crack the party, eh?

At least someone's enjoying it.

Don't worry about Bobby. He'll get over it.

I'm glad you and Roberto are happy.

He'll get over what?

You've seen the way he's been moping about, man.

We've all told him to get on with his life and forget you, but he can't help

can he? The sobby sod.

He loves you.

Always has.

Always will.

Oh, my babe.

Come on, little boy.

You must be Julia.

I've had a lot of very positive comments.

People seem to like it. Do you like it?

Have you seen Bobby?

I need to speak to him.

Messed up again, has he?

No.

I have.

I've got to find him.

You must be Julia.

I suppose I've just got to get on with my life.

Yeah.

You need time to...

Work things through, you know. Work out what you want.

What I want is sat right next to me on this bench.

That is the cheesiest line I've ever heard.

Well, I've got the van around the front of you. Fancy a fumble to kick things

off, like.

And that is the most insulting line I've ever heard.

Sorry.

You have got a lot to learn about women, but you are carrying that.

You take me to all the best places.

I just saw a letter flow, I do.

I'm an actual speaker, I am.

People say that I'm... Blin!

Emergency! Follow me!

My God!

Oh, sorry.

It's stuck. No, it's not.

Nurse!

What's going on?

Yeah, can you tell me, Tim, what's happening, please?

Murphy's done a runner.

You what?

He's packed up all his things and gone. He left this.

I can't live as I am anymore.

I'm sorry, Murphy.

Bloody hell, we have to find him.

Definitely. But let's just give her an hour. There's a free bar in there.

We don't want to... We don't want to rush into this, so rush in.

Right.

Billy, check the lanes.

Lane the roads.

Sharks with me.

Nats, you go. Sorry, I really need to speak to Bobby.

I'll catch you up. This is a bloody wild duck chase, man.

He's probably in there having a pint.

He's not turned up yet, Dad.

Come on.

Can't believe you missed my speech.

Bobby?

Bobby?

We do love you.

Look at it, Peg.

When it's lit, it's like a magic carpet.

That's what I think, anyway.

I know.

That's where you belong.

With your family.

Come on, Brode.

Come on with old Peg.

You gave me grumps.

There you are.

You really worried us, Murph.

I tell you, all this tip is the right shit to get over on these wheels.

What's going on?

We're telling Murph we love him and we want him to come home, aren't we?

Absolutely. Of course.

But we'll respect you if you take it their way.

Bobby?

No, you're right, ma 'am.

It is like a magic carpet.

And we're family.

Together. Forever.