Original subtitles

What

have

you

got there?

You've been in my purse again, you little sod.

Surprise!

Oh, darling.

Oh, my little baby.

Oh, come here.

Oh.

Oh. It's all they had.

Good luck for today, ma 'am.

Oh, come here.

Oh.

It's only the first drink tonight, but if I win this...

I'm going to get my own salon.

I can feel it. Me too, man.

All I need is a van and some muscle.

I've come to the right place, bud.

Thick Bob, they call me in the club.

Because of my thick arms, like.

This better be legal clock.

With Jurassic.

My dad says invalidity stopped.

Bastards. They're clamping down, I'm telling you.

Last week, they stopped my family allowance.

But you haven't got any kids.

Yeah, that was their argument.

So, what about it?

Go on.

There's this old bloke who's died.

And you want us to bury him? Shut up, Bob.

No. It's a house clearance.

Relax. More of a flat, really.

Family live in Spain and they're in back now.

They want the old boy's stuff cleared as soon as. If you can do it today, it's

150 quid in your back pocket. I get to make a few quid on the gear.

Today? Yeah, they're that type. Wham, bam, Stevie Cram.

Stevie... Here's your address and keys.

I didn't want everything out of there.

Yeah, apart from the obvious. They want to deal with that themselves, so just

clear around it.

Come on. Time for a little drink.

Come on, Glenn.

Glenn?

Glenn!

Come on, Glenn.

Glenn!

Here it is, number 20.

Already open.

Tidy.

Today's your big day.

Today's your big day. I know you're gonna win it. I'm with you all the way.

Love, Roberto.

You've been on the smarties again, Melvin.

Sorry about that.

I was booked to be a barber, but the nearest thing I had to it is a bear.

It's a sideline.

Singing telegram.

Oh.

Words in the villages, you've been working as a stripper too.

I was, but my eczema came back and everything dried up.

Women don't like a genitalia rash, do you not? You don't say.

I'm happy to show you a bit more for the tenor if you fancy.

Put your head back on and piss off, Melvin.

Not too much stuff, really.

Old boy obviously didn't have a lot, so... Shit in hell.

Is Clark having a car in love?

He did say to clear around it.

He's not even in a car then. He's just sat there.

Dead.

The family liked him quick, he said.

Wham, bam, Stevie, Cram, whoever he is.

We ought to check.

Check what?

That he's really dead, of course.

Can you tell me if he's dead, please? Jesus, Bobby, get out of the way, man.

Boo!

He's a goner.

So fat.

Oh, this is the life.

Look at me.

I'm like one of those celebrities in a magazine.

Will you relax, Peg?

It's good to you to step in for me today.

I want to hit the ground running tonight.

Oh, pamper away, love. I'm enjoying myself.

Hiya.

Yeah, they came earlier.

It was actually Melvin from the club dressed as a rat or something. But it's

thought that counts. So thanks, babe.

Yeah, look, I've got to go. I've got to dive Bob and Lob to get through by

three. And don't be late.

Roberto.

He's taking me in his Jag later.

A riding style, he said.

Jesus, it's alcohol gun.

Zip it, you fucker.

Peggy's volunteered to be my model for the day.

I'm competing tonight.

Aye, take an area.

Well, is there a cage fight?

Ignore him.

Straight down the lens, Peg.

Right,

do you want a break before the next one? Oh, no. Crack on, kid. I'm enjoying

myself. How long is this nonsense going on for? I've got a lot to do.

Like what?

Make a sandwich?

Go to the bog?

No, I'm wallpaper in that room for you and I. Like you asked me to.

I asked six years ago.

Why you choose to start today, I don't know.

I've been laid off my invalidity and I've got to keep that busy now.

Mum!

Glyn's gone.

Oh, yeah?

About to buckle that ladder?

Yeah, I hear that.

No, not killing the human. Killing the snake. He'll escape.

What? Shut the door. Shut, shut all the doors. Shut.

Good job, Bill.

Thank you.

Are you being serious?

Trouser legs are a snake's favourite escape route after aeroplanes.

Fact.

Could be anywhere.

Slithering. Sliding.

Hitting and rattling.

Tangs.

Flicking.

Lashing. Ready to strike.

Ready to attack.

Oh, that better be it. We're full.

Just this.

And I'm going to leave our card here.

What are you doing?

You won't be reading it.

That's why I'm the breed into this outfit, Bobby.

It's for his family, innit?

They come back, they see we've done a good job, and they think, oh,

who do we get to do the food for the funeral?

And they pick up our card and they go, oh, why don't we use the tuckers?

I can see they are fast, reliable, and polite.

You know best.

And shut that door after you.

Easiest job ever. Not even illegal.

I've always wanted a house in Penarth, you know, with a view of the sea.

I'm drawn towards the sea, Peg.

Well, go and live by the Lido.

Penarth's full of snobs.

Hey, you're not going to forget about us when you made it now, are you?

Of course not.

Don't get me wrong, I love your next door. There's too many memories.

No interruptions.

Tell me about it, I'm trying to crack on, yeah?

Crack on with what?

The 230 from Chepstow?

You have no idea about decorating, have you?

It's all about prep, see? You've got to prep.

Not being funny, Glyn, but two hours ago you soaked that wall with soapy water,

and since then you've been stuck on your arse. I'm not sitting that.

I'm waiting.

Besides, there's a snake at large, remember?

No, no, it's all about timing, see?

Aye, aye, aye.

The exact moment I decide to strike, that paper's going to come off that wall

like a banana being skinned.

I should have got Mickey Gums to do it, I said all along.

Mickey Gums has stayed inside for nicking that digger off the M4. Six

go. Which will be quicker than it'll take you to put a scraper to that wall.

Right. That's it. That is it.

It's a cocoon.

I'd offer you a cup of tea, but as you can see, they left me with piss on.

Did you see anything at all, Mr... Harry. As I said, I suffer from severe

apnea. I literally stop breathing sometimes.

Cigarette? Not just now.

So there's nothing at all you can tell us as to who may have robbed you like

this? Well, there is something.

Very odd.

Well, they took everything but left this card.

Taking a piss or something?

Can't it wait an hour?

No. It's a big day. I've got to see her before she goes.

What will happen to that soon enough?

I'll never get you, bro.

Huh?

She's getting banged through the wall every night and you still run round

like a lost puppy. Because she's still my girl.

That's why.

Always will be.

Don't you forget it.

Shut that bloody door!

Oh, it's you.

Oh, nice to see you too.

I just came to wish you luck.

Sorry, I was expecting Roberto.

He's taking her in his jag.

She's going to arrive in style.

Jesus, man.

You look like an oompa -loompa.

Tell me about it. She's a bloody embarrassment.

I'm an embarrassment?

You've been up there hours and all you've made is confetti.

That's been on for donkeys. You need a drill to get that off. Why didn't you

just ask Mickey Gums?

Don't you start.

What are you looking for?

My snake.

I can't find it.

Hey, Chinna, we'll soon be hungry.

What do you feed him?

Cholla.

You just scrape away chicken chops. Just a minute.

What, you call me a chicken?

What, why? Because I'm afraid of snakes?

Yes. You in?

I can't hear you, babe.

Shut it!

Everyone, it's Roberto.

Normally take my periods before.

No time for that.

No,

it can't wait.

You know that.

Well, why can't she go?

Oh, yeah, typical.

No.

No, you've got to go then.

Yes.

You can't take me.

Right?

Well, these things happen.

To be honest with you, you're better off staying away, love.

Peg's looked like a dog's dinner all day. You're the one bugger all.

I'll go start the engine.

Are you being serious?

Well, I'm here, aren't I?

I'd get a cab, but... To Cardiff?

Yeah, don't be daft.

I'll go next door and get my purse.

You won't need it.

Thanks, Bob.

You're my saviour.

Order. Good night, Nan.

Go get him, girl. Go for it. You go for it.

I don't think she's got a tits chance, to be honest with you.

Where's the van?

Eh? The van. Where's Bobby gone?

Cardiff. He's taken our nuts.

Cardiff!

Cardiff!

Norbed. Where are you off to?

Clocks. We're in the middle of a bloody job, man.

Can we have a word, please?

There

was

a robbery today over the retirement flat.

Sure. An old man was stripped bare as he slept. He's in total shock. And he's

had to go and stay with his son and in an extreme state of anxiety.

Tell me, buddy.

I tell you what, my nerves are in shreds.

Every day, it's like walking a tightrope with my health.

You know, you see these hands here? See that? Stress, that is.

Stress. Work to the bone they've been today. I have worked... Hey,

don't drop a theme at you.

We're actually here about this.

Sorry, we don't cater for the police company policy.

We're not trying to hire you, Mrs Tucker.

This was found at the scene of the crime.

So, can you tell me, where have you been today?

Oh, yeah, I've been in all day scraping the walls.

Yep, there's four square inches there to prove it.

And my mother here has been waiting for Willy Wonka to pick her up.

So, back at all to do with us, eh?

Do you know where Billy and Bobby are?

No. Well, when you do see them, tell them to report to the station as soon as

possible, or I'll be back.

All right, cheers, Larry. Off you go, then.

Where have you been?

We're running a bit late. You'll have it in an hour.

They've got to get back to Spain tonight. You haven't even started.

Darn it. We've cleared the lot.

Billy, my man just rang well pissed off.

This stuff ain't been touched.

Course it has. It's in the back of the van.

Was there a Welsh dresser?

No. An oak bookcase?

No.

Well, you've cleared the wrong sodding house, then.

Oh, God.

Lou, it's like having a toddler.

Why didn't you go before we left?

I can't help it, I'm busting.

There's plenty of time.

You watch?

Yeah.

Go and you toilet roll.

What? You said you needed to... Not funny, Bob.

Hurry up.

20. Look, it says here number 20.

26.

26.

That's a six. I don't know.

But it can't be.

There was a body there and everything, just like you said.

A body?

Yeah. You said there'd be a body and to just clear around it. That the family

wanted to deal with it. I never said anything about a body, Billy. Clear

the obvious, I said. The family's safe, I meant. Leave that where it was. Jesus!

Go in, Ella!

I didn't know people still had sex. Well, this family do.

And there's a lot of stuff in it that shouldn't be. Why do you think they live

in Spain?

Can I have a word, please?

This day just gets better and better.

Do you remember the last time I was in this van?

Yeah.

Shakira was three.

We had a bit of spare cash from that roofing job I was on.

Decided to treat ourselves to a day out.

Two. Huh?

Chiquita was two.

Oh, might have been.

I appreciate this, Bob.

I really do.

Thank you.

I'm busy. We're in the middle of a shitstorm, yeah?

We did the wrong house.

We what?

We need to get our gear back before the police find out.

Just get that van back, you rapid.

Now, you're not going to like this.

Try me.

You know, our staff in the back.

Nick?

It's complicated.

Here we go.

Mickey Gums would have had the lot off by now.

Yeah, but Mickey Gums is shitting in a bucket in Wandsworth about it.

Shut that bloody door!

Can I check out your back garden?

Shut that one as well, then!

She's not actually trying to tempt that thing out, is she? I'm not having this.

Oh, no. No.

Well, I'm still taking it. No, you're not.

Make him wait.

Now, you get this in your thick head and you get it in good.

You're going to turn round and take that stuff back to wherever you nicked it

from. I never nicked it. It's hard enough, Shakira, as a useless father who

always lets her down. But to have a useless father locked up would be too

for her. And I ain't having it.

When are you going to bloody learn?

You can't live your life on the rob, Bob.

What are we going to do? What I always have to do.

Look after myself.

Now piss off.

What are you doing?

For the best, love.

Is that poison?

Yeah, best get it before it clings inside one of us.

Stop!

Take control inside your head and eat your brains out.

Must have already had yours, you murderer.

Hey, boys.

This is the first time I've broken a glass.

To put stuff in it.

Before we put this back for you, what about the cash?

Cash? Yeah, we've done the job you asked us and now we're doing it twice.

Not our fault you can't write a note from a fix.

You actually want money for this, Parker?

Follow me, boys.

Don't leave me now.

There you go.

Get back into me. We haven't got all day.

Right, well, that's me for the day.

You can't rush these things.

Why didn't you ask Mickey? If you say Mickey comes, God help me, I will go

and... Check myself off that viaduct.

A grave would be a welcome rest for me the day I'm out.

William, Bobby here.

Who's asking?

Is your brother in?

Postcode lottery, is there?

Just wanted to let you know the old man's son went round the flat this

Just to check the place was secure.

And everything that was taken has been returned.

Are you sure this bloke isn't just losing his marbles?

Gone up the alley on the oop like.

I'll ignore that.

The point is that technically no crime has been committed.

But I know his shoe tutlers.

I just can't prove it.

Not now.

But I will.

Trust me.

I will.

Anything?

They're going straight to voicemail.

That's three hours they've been trying.

Should we call the police?

Oi, what's your language in the service?

Oh, Christ, you look like shite, love.

Okay.

How did you do?

I never made it, Bob.

I arrived there at ten o 'clock.

just as they were closing the doors.

Six hours they took me together.

You didn't manage to which a lift?

I hitched three, Billy.

The first one was a lorry driver who wanted to take me away from it all, go

live with him and his mother in Bristol.

When I threatened to call the police, he dropped me off on the dual carriageway.

There was no hard shoulder.

I walked three miles with Faraz Abakunan and luckily got a second lift through

some country lanes.

Oh. What about them? From a farmer.

You ever been in a tractor with a big farmer, Bob?

The smell ain't great.

And we were going so slow, the cow and ducks were passing us.

He dropped me as far as Ponty and... Oh, you're going to love this bit.

A minibus full of happy -clappies pulled up and took me into Cardiff.

I was desperate by now.

We visited four!

Evangelical churches on the way to a gathering, whatever that is.

There were three guitars on board.

Two hours they sang for.

Kumbaya.

Cowanel.

I was so tired when I got there, I just sat on the step.

The bloke locking up thought I was homeless and gave me a fiver.

That's how I managed to get the bus home.

I had no juice on my phone.

And no money.

Never took a piss, see?

Didn't need one, did I, Bobby?

Well, now all that's over, have you noticed anything different about the