Original subtitles

So your insurance came through then, Clint?

Yeah, it paid up quick. I was lucky.

Look, I've nothing to do with it. You play Skittles with Johnny the Prudential

every Thursday.

That didn't help me.

You threatened to have Billy and Bobby dump him naked on the beacons if you

didn't push it through.

Yeah, that did help me.

Anyway, I've got something for you.

It came in the post last week.

Delivered to mine by mistake.

I've been meaning to... What the hell was that?

That's my new security system.

Anybody who comes within five foot of this little baby is goodnight Vienna.

Anyway, Shakira's party's at three o 'clock.

So I want this to be the best party ever.

Got it?

Fine.

No one touches a Batmobile.

Someone has shot me.

Eh? This is from the Department of Work and Pensions.

I'm being inspected.

When? This afternoon.

They're going to stop my invalidity. What's rightfully mine.

But you can walk, Dad.

Yeah, but if they do that, your benefits as my carer will go too.

Bastard!

I tell you what, this universal credit, it's an absolute joke.

You know, you've got to be actively looking for work. What work is there

you? The window in the job centre, it's emptier than Bobby's head. He's no

wrong, Nan.

Big corporations.

That's what they ought to go after. You know, millions in tax.

Millions they owe. Tax.

Millions. Why come after us? What about me?

Me? Why after me? What have I ever done?

Nothing. That's the point.

What chance do I have with you as a mother?

Oh, here we go. I was the only kid in school with bingo markers instead of

They worked. I had no support.

I came to that school sports day, didn't I?

Yeah. You set up a tent and started reading palms.

We needed to pay the electric.

The police had to come and escort you out. I was so embarrassed.

You are an embarrassment. You're a bloody embarrassment to me.

We'll all go under without that money, Dad.

What are we going to do?

I got the big one, like I said.

What happened to you?

Even I thought you'd win that fight.

Well, you surprised me. I wasn't expecting a southpaw. He had one arm

What else could he be?

Where do you want her? Usual place?

Yeah, hook's still up from last year.

She loves a pinnater, doesn't she? Yeah.

Ever since she was a toddler.

Yeah. It's a family tradition now. That's how parties should be, shouldn't

A tradition, family, just families like. No one else, just close family. Don't

you think?

Roberto's busy at work today. All right? He won't be coming.

He'll calm down and cut the flan off.

That'll be lush. Why's she come in? She's not family.

Cupcakes. Cupcakes.

She's the cupcake queen, isn't she? I want this party to be special. Yeah, but

she gets on my tits. I mean, all this.

Hiya. Oh, that's lush. This is lush.

She doesn't do that so much now.

Hiya.

Hiya.

Oh, my God. It's totally lush.

You've had it painted in you, haven't you, Nath?

It's proper lush. I love lilac. It's such a lush colour.

Hi, Bob.

Right. Yeah.

Lush.

Say my friend.

Jack.

Blanket.

Jack. Hot water bottle.

Jack. Grabber.

Jack.

Sunglasses.

Jack.

Walking stick.

Couldn't find it, but I think the Zimmer and Scooter do enough.

Do enough?

Oh, you think so, do you?

Sit down.

Huh? Sit down, take a seat.

Pretend to be me.

Hello, Mr Tucker. I see you've got a mobility scooter outside.

Uh, yeah.

And, uh, how'd you get to it?

Um, on my Zimmer frame. And how'd you get your Zimmer frame?

Well, I keep it by me.

Yes, but what if, for example, you were to fall asleep in your chair and a

member of your family was to... Ooh.

That's an innocent mistake.

Could easily happen.

Do you think you could reach it?

No, I don't... Good, good. You fly, Mr Tucker?

Quite. You can't, sir. How would you get to it, Mr Tucker? Don't lie to me now.

You tell me the truth. How would you get to it? Do not lie. How would you? All

right, I walk. I walk to it.

How's our social down the pan? Oh, God, what have I done?

I... I'm sorry, boy.

I didn't like having to do that to you.

But these people from work and pensions, you know, they're not human.

They haven't got feelings.

They haven't got hearts.

Now, if we show one chink in our armour, they'll have us up there washing cars

with those little Latvians in the Asda car park. The poor bastards.

A 5F in and out.

A wet arse, frozen fingers all day. Do you want that?

No. So what are you going to do?

I'm going to get you a walk -in stick.

Plate's out. What's next?

Get on with the buttering. I'll get the balloons.

Listen, Bobs, I know that Natalie's my best friend and she's totally lush and

everything. Right.

But I want you to know that I think what she's doing is wrong.

Huh?

Splitting up your family like this, even if it is the best sex she's ever had.

Well, she said that.

Well, she said it was totally lush.

I can imagine.

But it doesn't seem right.

And if you ever want to chat, I want you to know that I'm here for both of you.

I'm a really good listener.

You're all right.

Huh?

I'm fine.

Hey, I can't find the signal from Dr Khaled. Now, without that, we're bigger

than we've seen it.

Ma 'am?

We're not talking.

Since when?

Since I'm an embarrassment to you.

Oh, get over it.

Your own cow and mam, you potty -mouthed geth. Hey, look, I need that now.

This is going to affect us all, this is.

Mam!

Mam!

What? What is this? Tell this lump of lard I am not in charge of his

Tell my mother she had a glass in a big red folder.

Tell him it's a purple folder and he can stick it up his arse for all I care.

Stop it!

It's Shakira's big day today and you two are not going to spoil it for her.

Oh, that's fine. If you want to be childish, write it down. That's

fine.

Thank you.

I am not a baldy bastard.

Stress, that is.

That is stress.

Please tell me where my letter is.

24,

25, 26, 27, 28. What are you doing?

Oh, there should only be 30 to a plate.

One, two, three. What are you doing here?

I thought you were working.

You look lovely.

Got us some panadoni.

Yeah, I cancelled my appointment. I want to do something nice for Shakira.

All right, Lush.

Ciao, Bobby.

What's Alice in Wonderland doing here?

Bobby? It's fine, Natalie.

I'm fine.

Just family, you said? No outsiders?

I just want to make it a special day for Shakira.

Well, sod off back to Cardiff and it will be.

Try and express yourself without swearing, Bobby. You know, I think

it quite fulfilling.

Oh, piss off.

You two, cut it out.

Boil this for her and I'll stick that panettone with a sun -done shine for

of you.

Oh, that means cake.

Delicious.

There he goes again. Stop it.

Both of you.

You can either help out or ship out.

Your choice.

Good.

Now get useful and blow them balloons up.

Hey, you're going to let me off this party. No way. You're her grandpa, Glyn.

She loves you.

She thinks I'm an idiot. Did you know that?

No one is going to spoil this party for her.

No, no. The social economy up the street. I cannot find the doctor's

Take this to Murphy.

Don't want him missing out.

How did he get out of it?

Don't spoil it now, Glyn.

Ah, don't worry, Bobby.

Size isn't everything.

You two, enough.

Get in the kitchen and finish the sandwiches.

No problem. Yeah, leave it to me.

Can you help me find the mustard, Bobby?

I like a thin layer on my ham.

You be careful with that, bud.

You don't want to blow your wig off.

Oh, I like it hot.

Me too.

I'm a valley boy.

I don't call it down with harm.

Roberto, back on balloons.

What the hell are you playing at?

You want Nats back. You've got to show her that you're the man.

Not a big kid like him.

Spooning Malta down, you want, do we?

Got it?

Put your tongue back in your head when you're talking to me.

It's not a good look.

Better.

When I was 14, skiing.

13, robbing.

Four years ago, I've been working in a kibbutz.

Three years ago, working in Porthcawl.

Oi!

It's an 11th birthday party, not a pissing contest, boys.

Yeah, put your shirt down, bud.

You cover up too, Bobs.

Trying to concentrate on my cupcakes here.

Oh, that looks nice, Peg.

None for Glyn. Tell him. I found it. No thanks to you. You two got to make it

up, men. I got enough to put up with with those two in the kitchen.

That'll be Shakira. Quick.

Aight. Quick.

Aight. Aight, everyone, move.

Come on. All right.

Surprise!

Aight. For Christ's sake, Billy.

Quick, get back. Move, move, move.

I don't want you to grow up.

You're my special girl.

I love you more than anything in the world.

Well, take the present. Here we are.

Mine first, mine first.

Yeah, get on with it, love.

Yeah, what do you think?

I'll let you know in six years when they're grown to it.

Fantastic. Right, that's me off, then.

You don't stay for cake.

I'll catch your balls off with a spoon.

Right, anyone for cake?

For a month o 'clock. He's not here, Uncle.

An adjustable spanner?

Honestly, the bloke's a joke.

Happy birthday, Pinchy. Best of.

Hope you like it.

Oh, thanks for better.

Autumn!

It's a 24 -carat Sicilian, so... Are you next, Bobby?

Huh? Well, you're present.

It's not here yet. It's on its way.

I'm just waiting for Clark to deliver it.

It's from Clark.

You're kidding me.

What is it, a workbench?

I'll get it.

Stop being a dickhead.

Ah, hello. I wonder if you could help me. I've been trying next door for a

while. Have you seen them leave today?

No. They're all in... In a party mood, yeah?

I mean, I wouldn't have heard them anyway.

I don't know them very well.

I'm looking for a Glyn Tucker, you see. Glyn Tucker, you see?

What do you want him for?

I don't think they could have gone very far. I don't think Mr Tucker can get

about these days. He's totally immobile.

His son will have to look after him now.

I've been there now.

I hope so.

Walk, walk, walk and speak.

Why do you keep shouting?

Do I?

I work in a band.

As a drummer.

Do you mind if I ask your name, sir?

Mine.

Letter, letter, letter.

Sorry, was someone knocking? I was having a shit.

Thanks for your time.

We have an appointment at 3 .30.

I'm Billy, Mr Tucker's carer.

Sorry I said the word shit just now, sir.

I was actually just taking a poo.

Anyway, thank goodness you're here.

Please, come in.

Thank you, neighbour.

You're welcome.

There he is.

Dad?

He's the nice man from the council.

Sorry, sir.

We're going to have to shut the front door.

He's no use to the daylight.

Hello, Mr Tucker.

I'm Mr Jarrett from the Department of Work and Pensions.

How are you today?

He's as well as can be expected, sir.

But he can't speak for himself?

He's passed from all the coughing at night, you see, sir.

He's as weak as...

A little getter.

Please, take a seat, sir.

Shouldn't we get him a handkerchief?

Let's leave him. He likes to be independent.

Bourneville? No.

The reason I am here is... What is it, Dad?

He gets so cold, you see, sir.

No circulation because he doesn't move.

How does he get to his scooter outside?

With this, of course.

He can't fly, can he?

Anyway, the reason I'm here is that it seems from your bank statements that you

have a direct debit that comes out every month, Mr Tucker.

What if he does? To the Skittles Club.

And when I checked with the Skittles Club, they confirmed that a Mr G. Tucker

a member.

Oh.

Why didn't you say?

Well, Dad takes that out every month for me.

Or my birthday present.

I'm Mr. B. Tucker.

They must have missed you on the phone.

It's been coming out for 25 years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Started when I was three.

Love skittles me.

I'll need to see your doctor's papers.

It don't make happy reading, sir.

Dr. Carlet says he's never seen a chest like my father's. Has he, Dad?

Oh, is he going to do that thing again in his handkerchief?

Oh, you should have seen what come off his chest last night, sir.

You could have hung wallpaper with it.

Oh, I'm ready.

Just thought this would help me a little.

What are you doing?

Time to clean my father's haemorrhoids.

It gets a bit messy, but you just relax.

No. Right, Dad?

On your knees?

Your father is obviously a very unwell man. This must be an administrative

error.

I'll see myself out.

We

did

it.

I know. We bloody did it. I know, I know. We had it. We had it.

Buddy, that was real. I rarely say this, right? But I am proud of you.

Bloody proud of you.

You've never said it.

Yeah, but I said it just now. I said it, didn't I?

Here. Come on.

Hey. Here.

All right, leave it now.

Leave it.

We are winners today.

Parties!

Where the hell is she being at present?

I'm stuck in traffic.

Well, step on it. I'm looking like a right mug, yeah?

Of course we did.

We're the tuckers, aren't we?

Well done, boy.

Well done.

Let me try a few gorgeous.

Ike, Goldilocks.

Out the way for a daddy.

Sorry, I've got to get this.

Come on, everybody.

There you go, Prince Yvette.

Party time. Let's celebrate.

Could have bloody wrapped it.

The name's Clock, not Santa. Bastard. Closed.

That's 40 quid, remember?

Some bugger's on the rope.

Your benefits will stop with immediate effect.

Good day, Mr. Tucker.

You soppy, useless, fat git.

Are we talking again, are we?

What is it, Dad?

It's nothing much, and I can take it back if you don't like it.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! The snake!

My very own snake at last!

You're the best dad ever!

You wait till I tell Rich Thomas.

That was beautiful, Bobby.

You know your daughter was really in her heart, and

that's very attractive.

Huh?

Nats might have chosen Roberto with his great job and perfect smile, amazing

hair, and Matthew. Yeah, all right. I get your point.

But I think she was wrong.

Because I've been watching you, Bobby Tucker.

Why?

It's not just the icing that makes a cupcake less.

It's the cake underneath as well.

What cake are you on about?

You only get one crack at life, Bobby.

You have to forget what's behind you and see what's in front of you.

I've only just realised that.

It's in your hand now.

My little cupcake.

Come and look at my sugars.

For Christ's sake, Glenn, it's only a snake.

Yeah, exactly.

It's a snake. That's my phobia. You all know that.

Do you want to hold him? Son of a... Go back. Back.

I tell you this now.

I tell you all for nothing.

Either that snake goes or I go.

Right, John.

Off you go, then.

Late at that.

I know and I'm going to call him now.

Glenn.

Night long.

Night.

Be back tomorrow with more stuff.

Not long now.