Original subtitles

And here we are.

How's it looking? Looking for long on the side of the bus.

Yeah. These will make me stand out, these, Rob. Yeah, like a right dick.

Jealousy's a terrible thing, lads, you know.

I can see it in my loft. Look at you squirrel in my loft in those bastards.

Send them back.

Ma 'am.

Ma 'am, are you all right?

What are you doing here?

Well, you're always up the bookies on a Saturday morning.

Is that the back door?

What? Some of you just use the back door.

Wind, Glyn.

How many times have I asked you to tighten those poxy hinges?

With these hands?

Dr Khaled says it's a miracle I can hold a knife and fork with my arthritis.

The only miracle in this house is how much food you can put away your fat get.

That's not fat.

That's nerves, that is.

It's nerves.

Anyway, something big turned up this morning.

Come on, I've got to show you.

Ta -da!

My new miracle.

This is an easy one.

All you've got to do is pop to the rental place at the top of town, hire a

for the day, drop it back here, leave it with me, pick it up later and drop it

off. 80 quid in your back pocket, no questions asked. No way.

Eighty each?

Between you.

Make it a ten. Ninety. Ninety -five. Seventy -five. Eighty.

Done. I said no, Bobby! I'll pay for the hire, obviously.

I need this, bro.

Nat's going to go to Toronto if I don't give her any maintenance this month.

And why exactly do you need a car clock?

I've got to drive a client somewhere.

Impressed, like. So it's got to be the Mercedes E -Class Saloon. Nothing else.

Hear that, Billy boy?

E -Class.

Only the best.

Why can't you get it yourself?

Took away my licence, didn't he? What for?

Drive him without a licence.

Fair enough.

So that's it. Now it's personal now.

It's time for a man to do what a man's got to do.

Oh, calm down, Clint, for Christ's sake.

Can't you see?

It's not my scooter they're attacking.

It's me.

It's my rep in this town.

Here he comes, they say.

The big man riding through.

In the scooter.

Your Italian stallions back then?

How do you know?

Off the bloody street nose.

You were at it all night.

I thought it was foxes at first.

Yeah.

Well, I'm giving him another chance.

I thought you might.

I saw his car yesterday.

He must be minted.

There's a lot more to him.

He's a good listener.

And he's minted.

He's very compassionate.

And he's minted. He doesn't feel he has to act all macho. No need when he

minted. I really want this to work, Peg.

I need it to.

Aye.

We all live in hope with our men.

That's why we get hurt.

In love, there's pain.

It was one of my old mum's sayings.

Oh, that's nice, Peg.

So never trust the buggers, was our other...

Yeah, I want to report a theft.

26 Trevechen Street.

Yeah.

And hurry up.

I think the thief could still be in the house.

And I'm vulnerable.

I'm on invalidity.

It's me you're sobbing. Get off. I know that, don't I?

Just trying to put pressure on them.

Make them realise how serious it is.

Now, as it is, I've made a list of suspects to give them.

Suspects? This is organised crime, ma 'am.

Now, top of the list is Sid Eggs.

Sid Eggs?

Yeah, you know, Kenny Eggs' brother.

Goes out with Debbie and Number Six? No, no, she married Bryn Sheds. Bryn Sheds?

He's with Nicky and Number Ten, you daft sod.

They got a kid everybody says is Melvin Monkeys.

No, that's impossible.

Dr. Kelly told Melvin he's incompetent. You mean impotent.

He's a doctor, ma 'am. He knows what he means.

Are you in there?

Murphy!

Who is it?

It's me, Glenn.

Come in.

I'm glad you're here, Glenn.

Really? Yeah.

You're in all this?

Can you tell me what I'm doing here, Glenn?

Hiya.

What do you think I'm doing?

Have a shave?

No.

I'm looking after myself.

I'm maintaining a standard by which I lead my life.

Have you got any standards, Glenn?

Look, I only came... No, you haven't seen your studio now.

Like a sack of muggy spits. Like a man who's gone to the dogs and wants to go

lower, even.

Where's your pride, man?

Where's yours?

You live in a bog?

I live outside, as man was meant.

Hiya.

Look, the reason I came is somebody's nicked my wing mirrors. Now, have you

anybody in the lanes?

Now, you listen.

And you listen proper.

So you don't misunderstand.

I can give a flying shit about your mirrors.

And I don't give a flying shit about you.

Well, thanks for that. That was very useful. Nice chat. Cheers.

Die up and down.

Eh?

That's the only person I saw in the lanes this morning.

And he was in a rush.

That is the dog's nuts, that is.

Very nice, gents.

Very nice.

Should have seen the looks we were getting on the streets.

Yeah, it's like we were a couple of footballers. Yeah, or a couple of

Right, off you shuffle, lads.

Back here at three.

All right, see you later. We'll be here.

What are you doing now?

Protecting what's mine.

It's me.

I'm sorry.

He's never in on Saturdays.

Of course I miss you.

I was gagging for it, too.

Aye, aye, I know you were. I could see that.

Hey, pension day on Tuesday.

How do you fancy a slap up at the Bernier and an overnight in Newport on

And I promise you, no thermals this time.

Ciao, bella.

Cup of tea?

Herbal would be nice.

Guess who's brought biscotti?

My favourite.

Gianni.

Gorgeous.

Italian? I don't know.

Got him in Tesco, he's top of town.

There you go, Beth.

Thank you.

Got you.

It's die up and down.

What? Nothing for me.

Die up and down? It's obvious, man. Two sightings of him already in one morning.

Plus he's out there with a big suspicious -looking bag. I tell you

probably flogging the parts on now as we speak.

Listen, Columbo.

Eh? Die up and down is 82 and he got a false leg.

That's why he walks up and down.

How the hell would he have nicked your stuff and legged it so quick on only one

of the gats?

Oh. Thank God you're here. You reported an intruder, Mr Tucker? Not exactly.

Theft, then? Yes. And what's been taken?

My wing mirrors.

Your wing mirrors?

Yeah, off this scooter in broad daylight.

Hang on a minute. Are you telling me we have driven all the way down here

because someone has taken your wing mirrors?

It's a crime, isn't it? Oh, here we go. Yeah, and I saw the thief.

Can't be sure.

OK. Can you give me a description?

Yeah. About 12 inches by 8 inches.

Plastic backing. Came from Amazon.

What about the thief?

Sorry. Yeah.

One leg.

You taking a piss, eh?

You consider yourself lucky we don't nick you for wasting police time, Mr

Tucker.

Stick the kettle on, Nan.

I'm off to bingo with Cowboy Lil.

Oh, by the way, I spoke to Natalie this morning about her Italian stallion.

Why do you keep saying that? He's from Splott.

He is Italian, though.

Yeah, he probably went there once on a school trip.

The bloke's full of shit. The point is, she's moving him in, just so you know.

And I don't want any tantrums in my house.

And any scrapping, you do it in the lanes.

Yeah, I mean, she's obviously upset.

But she knows it's for good this time.

But is that all you brought?

Yeah, for now.

Best play things slow, I thought, you know, for the triplets.

Make the transition easier.

Yeah, of course.

Give us a sec.

Have you bound your head or something?

Do what?

After everything he's done to you. This has nothing to do with you, Bobby.

Can't you see what he is? He's a lay -in, two -time in Norbed, who's...

Already here.

Huh?

Leave it, Bob.

Hey, nice to see you again.

Cut the shit.

And stop that when you're talking to me.

Stop what?

Doing your hair. It's winding me up. Bobby.

Look, Robert. Don't call me that.

Bobby. Hola. Bob.

Definitely not.

Fine, look.

I'm getting the feeling that you're pretty angry here, yeah?

You don't say. I know what you're thinking.

What, you're dead and brown, are you?

I'm no good for your wife.

Yeah, correct.

Well, then. Now, piss off, Bobby!

But I want you to know that I'm 100 % not going to let Natalie down.

I will always look after her, care for her, see to her.

You are.

And I want you to see me as your friend, man.

The block's a knob.

What have you got?

Nothing. On your back, you've got something. Show me.

Who gave you that?

Eh? Somebody must have given you that. Who gave it to you?

A man.

Was he young or old? Old, was he?

Yes. Yeah, was he carrying a bag? He was, wasn't he?

Yes. How many legs do you have, one or two?

Two. Think about it.

OK. One?

I knew it.

Knew it.

It's you and me, Di.

Judgment day.

Swelling's going down.

It's OK. I've got some on the coil at home.

There's nothing wrong with him.

What the hell is wrong with you, Bobby?

We are over.

It's fine. He's upset. It's understandable.

Oh, stop it.

It's not being so nice.

It's doing my net in. He's moving in.

End of.

So suck it up.

You said that before.

No, this time it's for good.

For good.

With that bag.

Yeah, look at the size of it. What have you got in there? Curling tongs.

Fresh pants.

I can't have this.

You're not a good role model for a daughter.

And you are.

Nats, please.

Shall I put the kettle on?

Calm things down a bit.

Oh, I brought some biscotti.

That means biscuit.

I know what it bloody means.

I've got eyes of an eye.

And you can stick them up your arse.

And that means arse!

Oi! Tucker!

You get back in here and you apologise to Roberto.

No way. No!

Never!

Fine.

You will never cross this door or speak to me again.

Ever.

Well?

got something to say?

Yeah.

Well, the Fodnells aren't a groil.

50, 60, 70, 80.

Nice job.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Right, we'll get it back.

Still don't feel right. Stop crapping on, will you? Oi, don't be arsy with me.

It's not my fault you just smacked King Dong.

Just apologise.

It's a blip, alright?

Just a blip.

Buckle my shoe, 32.

Top of the shop, 90.

On its own... Stop!

I've come for what's mine, Di.

Take your hands off your balls and pass them over.

You know what I'm talking about.

You're a thief.

Glenn. You've had a way with my wing mirrors.

Glenn. You were in my street this morning. Glenn.

You're denying you were there?

Yes, he was there.

And not to Nicky Mirrors.

He was there for a fumble with me.

A fumble?

He comes round mine every Saturday morning when you're out.

I'm a woman, Glyn.

I'm sexually active.

Oh, dear God. I will not apologise for it.

I still like to be explored.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

He's not die up and down to me.

He's die in and out.

Oh. Good.

And you're mute.

You, uh...

Call me a liar, Glenn?

No.

I never said that. I just... No.

I fought in the army for men like you so you could be free.

And now you come here and you accuse me in front of this village, in front of my

sexual partner.

I'm feeling a bit crazy, actually, to be honest with you. You accuse me of being

a thief?

No.

I have never done a dishonest thing in my life.

No one soils my good name.

You stay where you are, Glintucker, because I'm going to kick your fat

arse with my good leg!

Now die!

I'm not going to fight you, all right?

No, just there we are. Please, just that.

Oh, shit!

I can't see where

you're coming from But I know just what you are involved

in

Thank you.

I know what you're thinking.

Yes, you can.

He's an old man.

From his head right down to his foot.

Welcome to Longhead.

We leave you to it. Hang on.

This could be good.

You've brought disgrace to this family.

Me?

What about you?

Having sex at your age?

Cowboy Lee was practically throwing up next to you. Cut the crap.

Cowboy Lee loves a ruck and you know it.

And you please tell me you were taking precautions.

That's it.

Leave my house.

Eh? You've crossed my nerves. Out now.

I don't know where to go. And you won't permanently if you don't get out now and

give me some space.

Joke.

You're not going to believe this.

Someone's only going to nick my scooter seat.

Jax, a word?

What is it, Gramps? I'm busy.

Yeah, I've been watching how busy you've been.

Ah, look.

It's Talma and Louise.

I hope we got some bloody answers.

Because due to your lacklustre approach, an innocent man has been falsely

accused. You're not here about your scooter, Mr Tucker.

Eh? You're about a Mercedes that was hired from Avis, top of town today.

Can we come in?

What's happening?

Two boys rented a car today.

That's not against the laws, eh? No. But when you took her back to the yard this

evening, it was different, wasn't it?

Huh? It didn't have his gearbox.

Of course it did. I drove it in.

Oh, it had one, all right. A knackered one, about 15 years old.

But the one that belongs to it, the one it was hired out with in the morning, is

12 months new and worth four grand.

And it's been removed.

Can you explain?

Can you prove it was taken when it was with my boys?

Clark. You can't trust those buggers in the car industry.

Everyone knows that.

Oh, I know. I bet they had a way with it when I was back in the yard. Oh, yes.

What are you in on it with her?

What are you insinuating, Mrs Tucker?

I'm insinuating nothing.

So give us your proof or jog on.

We'll be following this up, Mr Tucker.

Trust me.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

Excellent. Off you trot then, Sherlock.

Hey, one thing, though.

Now, keep your eyes open for those scooter parts, eh?

You'll never know.

Glyn's in bits.

I just want to make some money.

For what?

I want to buy a snake.

Good choice.

Beautiful to handle. Only eats once a week.

And is the most cunning animal on God's green earth.

So you won't tell?

I'll say nothing.

Thanks, Gramps.

In fact, I like it.

A lot.

Stress is good for Glyn.

Keeps him on his toes.

Now, the deer stays alive because it's vigilant.

The rabbit because it's... cautious.

A man needs to be alert to survive.

Now Glenn has lost his alertness due to lethargy and fat.

So let's keep him alert.

I don't follow.

Keep Nick in, my love. Keep Nick in.

You are your best.

I look after you.

It's like I'm the only one who can see through him.

It's got to be an act.

No one's that nice to me.

Why do we keep fiddling with the day?

It's not right, is it?

It's like Kate bloody Moss about the bloody place.

The thing is, you need to know your goals, Bob.

Like me.

Here we go.

If you ever want to see Nat again, you've got to apologise to him.

She knows that.

He knows that.

I know that.

The only get round you that don't know that is you.

Sod him.

Roberto.

Ciao, Bobby.

Bobby's got something to say to you.

Haven't you, Bobby?

Yeah. What was that?

Yeah.

I'm sorry I hit you.

It's fine.

Totally understandable.

Perhaps one day we'll go for a pint together, eh? And laugh about all this.

Don't push it, Roberto.

In.

Bobby?

Thank you.

They're going up the stairs now. I don't want to know.

They're entering the bedroom.

Am I interested?

They've shut the door.

Yes, they... They definitely...

Get ready.

Get him on, Bob! Get him on!

E -class balloon gearbox fitted and ready to go, as ordered.

Pleasure doing business with you again.

Nice to be able to trust someone.

There's some great thieving bastards around here.