Original subtitles

The rich and the ruthless brought you by Tricker and Cramble and the WNB

Network, delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problems.

We're here.

Where's the boat?

Where's the water?

Dude, this is a parking lot.

Max told me to stay put until further notice.

And actually, the marina's just a block away.

You're not walking.

What?

I'm not walking. I don't want to walk. You're not walking.

Oh,

look at that full moon.

That would be the sun, Maeve.

Oh.

Randall, get me off this Looney Tunes bus as soon as possible.

Well, it's not my fault that Max forgot to book the Prevost.

Uh,

Beth, you better not have my brims and my vines jacked up back there.

Look, I got you, Willie, okay?

And everybody else is dang stuck on this bus. You know, I want all of y 'all to

know I am not staying on that boat once I get you set up, okay?

You don't do anything for me anyway.

Well, I'm glad you're back, Beth.

Really, Willie?

Because word is that you were calling me a traitor for taking that movie with

Colleen Atwood.

Uh -uh.

That's a bold -faced lie.

Now, you know I love it when you take me on a shopping spree with my little

color charts and you take me down to Pookie's Suits for Pimps. Oh, nobody can

stretch a dollar or a polyester like you, Beth.

He's lying, okay? He's lying, y 'all.

I could not believe that you would subject your wife to this humiliation.

Look, I'm just trying to make executive producer again, all right? So I agreed

to drive, make sure that the cast gets here safely.

And this is safe?

And do I look like the rest of the cast?

Absolutely not.

Right.

You know, I don't know why those Beringer brats aren't on this bus

I have an image to uphold, okay? And if they see me getting off of this bucket,

my fans, I could lose thousands of Twitter followers.

And Mother cannot have that.

You know, listen.

This is what I say we do. We protest. We will not get on that yacht unless they

get us an Uber X back home.

I love it when a mutiny works.

Oh, chillax. I'm trying to kill you. You can afford chillaxing.

You have a career.

I wish I were black right now. I would make a killing.

Derek, you deserve every last drop of success.

Rhonda forever.

Girl, it's Wakanda forever.

What is your assistant? Because maybe I'm not an assistant anymore.

That's right.

Ivy is joining the cast.

What? Are you freaking kidding me?

Well, Mac said that I should start working more in front of the camera

of behind it. And Randall said that too.

Got that right.

You give me too much credit, kid.

What's the storyline, kid?

Mother -daughter.

Oh, it better not be me. Killed my career.

Oh, my God, please, no. Okay, who's the mother?

Calista. Thanks. Oh, cool.

Perfect. That makes no kind of sense.

Now, Calista is way too young to have a grown kid on the show. This is just

plain entertainment malpractice. Big fact.

Thanks, Willie.

It's soap opera. It doesn't have to make any sense.

Remember when Mr. Barringer wrote that surfing storyline for me where a big

took me from Santa Monica Beach all the way to Brazil?

I remember that. The audience loved it.

No, I don't think I remember it like that. I swear they did. All right, so

go over the yachting rules again while we wait.

All right, so one, when we get off the bus, we leave everything behind.

What? Why?

Because it's our job.

Two. Where do we go first?

On the boat.

For what? The rich and the rulerless fan club.

Destination? Nowhere.

Three. No fans in our cabin.

Randall. Why? So we don't get sued. And last but not least.

Be on time.

Any questions?

No, Randy. You've got it all covered. I have to change into my yacht dress.

She better sit her ass down. No, no, no, don't, don't. Okay, okay. Okay, now

what's that first one again?

Oh, for the love of God, Willie, will you just listen?

Meet and greet, Q &A, press, autographs, brunch.

We do those stupid competitions and then we can finally head back to port.

Thank you, Sean Spicer.

All right, guys. Open the damn door. Open the door. Open the damn door.

Open the damn door.

Open the damn door!

Open the damn door!

Open the damn door!

All right, all right.

This don't make any sense.

What do they think I am if I'm going to pack you with whatever they think it

is?

No, I can't take none of them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate them. I hate

them.

So, baby, when is Bobby going to get here? Any second. Just

text him again.

Because you know I don't do late. I know, Daddy. We're not waiting for him

either. Don't worry, Max. He'll be here.

Gotta admit, son, that bull turned out better than I imagined.

The icon.

Powerful. Like you, Dad. Want to make you proud.

And I am.

And I'm not surprised one iota that you exceeded expectations, son.

Thanks, Mom. Always in my corner.

I tried to tell you guys I had everything under control.

Except for a certain someone who had an outsider penetrate our family business.

Really, Max? Okay, okay, okay. Let's, let's... Sleeping dogs lie.

Okay, let's have a good time, honey. The boat is exquisite, like you.

Right, honey?

Yes, Liz.

This is a

surprise.

Larry, Edith, hi.

I thought we were on the wrong boat for a minute.

Yeah, where is everybody?

It's early, Larry. Hi.

Yeah, well, we just stopped by to wish you all a...

Bon voyage and get some optics.

Edith, what's your excuse?

I invited her. Yes, thank you, Max.

I'm redoubling my efforts. I'm going to be a bit more hands -on. Right, that's

right. And I must say, this yacht is almost as nice as mine.

Almost.

So, here's to a long, long life.

And many, many more years in the suds of business. Okay, I'll toast to that,

Larry. Welcome, people.

Captain Tang at your service. 30 years of nautical experience under my belt.

Augustus Barringer, owner of the Rich and Ruthless. And my beautiful wife,

Kitty. How do you two?

Falling now. I mean, now that y 'all are here.

Our daughter, Veronica, really is a peach.

And I guess we're the nobodies. We only broadcast Rich and Ruthless.

Larry Savinor.

President of WBN.

Senior Executive Vice President of Daytime Programming, Edith Norman.

Well, I think

y 'all should know

that this cruise is very personal for me. It is the last page of my

unblemished nautical record.

And why is that? Losing my sight, mild dementia.

All right. I see.

Yeah, well, we're very honored to be a part of this esteemed tenure.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm sorry I won't be joining you on the historical trip.

Neither will I. Well, that's too bad, because this type of trip doesn't need a

whole lot of prep work. Come again?

I know these waters like the back of my hand. I could navigate this ship

blindfolded. But we don't want that.

No, we do not want that.

Oh my goodness, this is gorgeous! Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Hi!

Hello,

everyone! How are you? Star of the Rich and the Ruthless has arrived!

My mama's favorite from the store!

You gotta tell me, does Lady Love get found guilty?

Oh, now, Captain... Hey!

Captain Tang.

I can't tell you that. Are you trying to give me fire with all my bosses around?

But I'm so glad you're a fan. Well, your mother. Tell her I said hello.

Is she going to be joining us?

Not today.

Well, well, well, well.

Looks like I've got the head honcho's corner.

Thought the show was broke.

You look younger on camera.

Well, that's because they put pantyhose over the bed for my clothes.

Howdy, Captain.

I'm, uh, Allison's husband, Randall.

Maeve, Maeve, Maeve, Maeve, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Maeve, please tell

me, how do you stay so well preserved?

Please tell me.

Preparation aids around the eyes, vodka, ding -dongs, and my smoke.

Where's the bar?

Uh, Maeve, the, uh, bar's over here.

Oh, great.

Uh,

here's to bopping over the rail.

I know what you're thinking. He's white.

Jackson, who's the only thing?

Look, don't judge, brother.

I'm just letting a little equal opportunity in. I've given you brothers

of chances over the years, okay?

Multiple chances. They've been given.

The captain understands what he's saying. Did you just shush me?

No, there wasn't a shush. Don't ever shush me, Marvin. No, please don't.

Don't piss me off. Oh, don't.

Come on.

Max, this is a circus program. You haven't even... Yeah, well, Veronica's

boyfriend botched the dates.

What do you mean? Look, never mind all that. Where's my first love deal?

You have my script. What do you think?

You're forgetting a very important point, aren't you?

Which is?

Which is your mother's signature signing over her shares to you.

Look, I'm going to get that, okay? This is going to take some time.

Well, better get to cracking.

Because until you do, we don't have a team.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah. Looking good, man.

All the best for you guys.

There you go.

Give me some of that.

A little paper in that hand, too. You know what I mean?

You know what? You look good in white.

And you just look good.

I'm going to leave on that.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, I'll see you on the boat, Allison.

Honey, can you take that? Oh, yeah.

She's been a little uptight about the talent show.

Uptight about the talent show? Well, she better loosen that because I am going

to give it to the people. Thank you so much for my first network contract.

Oh, you're welcome, Ivy.

But remind me when I hired you. You won't regret it. And, Max, where would I

without your support?

Ivy, do I understand that you were once a production assistant?

That's right, until Calista plucked me out of obscurity.

How admirable.

Yeah, I mean, like, you're a legend, Ms. Jeffries.

Oh, okay. I grew up watching you on a broke -down TV with a tinfoil antenna in

my foster care group home after my mom put me up for adoption.

Oh, my God.

That's incredible.

I learned how to read from watching you on The Rich and the Rootlets when you

played that illiterate thief.

I hope I can just be a fraction as good as you are someday.

Oh, my God, that's beautiful. Pat, applause.

You okay?

Yeah, it's a shelter.

It's fine.

I would be, too. That was over the top even for industry standards.

Philip, where have you been?

Lost!

I was on the wrong boat.

There was no signage, but then why would there be?

Okay, sorry I'm late, everybody.

If we could get together for a picture. Everybody get together.

All right. One damn photographer, Edith. No wonder daytime's been important.

Okay, everybody, squeeze together.

Right. Can we get Ivy right in the middle? Why is the new girl in the

I'm the one that's been dragging this for years.

Well, you know they don't never have any faith in us. They always with them

knuckleheads instead of with the whole level.

Hey, okay, let's smile, everybody. All right?

Everybody say, rich.

Rich.

Let's take one more. One more.

Let's get rich.

Rich. Hey, beautiful.

Okay,

everybody, I have an important announcement to make.

There was a scheduling mix -up with our cruise date. The majority of our fans

won't be joining us today.

What? Additionally,

we won't be cruising that much on this cruise to save for fuel.

All right, let's go, let's go. Now, Augustus, what in the color oaks is

happening? Do you mean to tell me that I have traveled on that broke -down bus

and got all this surgery for just a few Ed Craig fans?

Come on, everybody, let's get on the boat.

What are you calling an Ed Craig fan?

Because that's the hot baby.

How you doing, precious?

Miss Gertie.

Shoot. What are you doing here? What do you look like, baby? We're going on the

fan club cruise.

Doctor's orders and all.

Are you sure?

And thanks to Derek, we got us a cabin and everything.

Oh, thank you so much, precious. You're just as precious as you can be.

I'm Gertie, and I'm under 70. Okay. I can't believe we're going on a cruise

all these old stars for hours.

This is going to be fun. Yes, ma 'am.

You behave, Miss Gertie. I behave? Come on, let's go. All right. You be careful.

That's my...

daughter's man and I'm just saying.

Yes. As the oldest soap opera star alive, what is your secret to success?

Oh, I do know, Butler, can I say it as it is?

Outlived four network CEOs, but I still have a job.

All right.

This guy right here.

Yeah. Call it whatever you want.

All bets are off on the swimsuit contest.

Yes.

And no cheating, guys.

That's something Derek never has to worry about. Say it, baby.

Duh. I already knew that.

You know what, girl? Callista. Callista, Derek. Callista, Derek, Derek.

How does it feel to be Soap's newest Soap power couple?

Overdue. And overdone.

There's no mistaking spooky mystery.

That's spooky.

So how do you make the love scene seem so real?

Sex.

Willie, Willie, what's your inspiration for doing the stories day in and day

out? Paycheck. Love of craft.

Passion.

Actually, all soap stars just really want to be primetime stars.

Primetime stars want to be movie stars.

Movie stars want to be rock stars.

And rock stars want to be wrestlers. And wrestlers want to be politicians.

I just want to be a soap star.

Your kidnapped dungeon storyline sounds like a sudsy award to me. Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, I did three supporting roles.

You know, I played the butler, a medical examiner, and the thug. I was on the

edge of my seat every moment, Willie.

Me too, Willie.

Well, you know, I do the best I can, you know.

Cabin 12, adult, twister, and be it with, PayPal or cash only. Oh, Willie,

you're so fresh. You better... Miss Allison, how has your marriage stood the

test of time?

And scandal.

Great question.

Oh, yes, please do tell us.

Testify, honey, testify. Okay, yes, thank you. Okay.