Original subtitles

The rich and the ruthless.

Brought to you by Trigger and Tramble and the WNB Network.

Delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problem.

Well,

well, well.

This looks rather cozy.

Am I getting paroled, Edith? I heard there's big problems with Fin Fang in

York. I've handled that. Why don't you sit down?

There is a reason, after all, that I'm head of daytime.

Anyway, this won't take long.

Yeah, we wanted to reward you.

Reward me? Reward me with what? A daughter.

A daughter?

What daughter?

Okay, so, Larry, you know, I'm on vacation. I don't like doing business

on vacation.

All right, give me your best shot. What is it? I'm sorry, sir, but our soap

audience consists of primarily black and Hispanic women, and their incomes show

no sign of slowing down.

Oh, well, yeah, but if that loudmouth would stop blabbing about it every

she gets, no one would know. Our ad agency says this is not a sexy stat to

broadcasting.

But if our viewers buy the trick during Trammell Detergent we advertised during

the show, who cares? Who cares?

Larry, I cannot have the Barringers knowing that they sell more soap than

other daytime show I have on the air.

As it is, Augustus is demanding a bigger portion of everything.

Calista, you look like you've seen a ghost.

Uh, water?

I'm cool, thank you.

Yeah, Edith suggested, why not keep it all in the family?

Hmm, Edith thought.

Family, what family?

Yes, to cultivate our network diversity motto.

It's, um, be careful who you hate, because it might be someone bringing

Right, right, right, yes. And she came right to our doorstep, literally

the bread.

Literally. And I intend on making her a Bolenstein star.

Ah, yeah, of course.

I just wish somebody would have given me a heads up that I was committing soap

opera suicide.

Don't be so short -sighted. Yes, it's true she's never acted a day before in

life, but that doesn't matter.

She's going to cut her teeth on a pro like you.

Yeah, look what those did for Morgan Freeman.

Right. Morgan Freeman.

You know, Larry, I tried canceling that show a long time ago, years ago, but

Augustus went to the NAACP, can you believe?

Oh, my goodness, disgusting.

Disgusting. Nearly cost me my job and my marriage to Fan Fan.

How so, sir? Well, I needed that studio for her show.

Let your fingers do the walking.

Walking? Oh, no, I see.

But I'm telling you, Larry, it's that color girl that's stuck in my craw, even

on vacation. Oh, the color girl. You mean Callista Jeffries? Yeah. Oh. Yeah,

yeah, Callista Jeffries.

I had to warn all my industry buddies that if they dared to hire Calista

on any one of their shows, I would crush all of their actors, their directors,

what, their writers, their set dressers, everybody, I'm telling you, Larry.

Yeah.

So, does your dad know about this?

Uh, not yet, but he's in meetings in the boardroom. Bottom line, I oversee

daytime.

And I'm going to put all my network weight behind this.

Yeah, you could finally get a shot at that Sundsies award. That's right. And

you behave, maybe I can make that happen for you.

Now, let's get to this dope new storyline for you.

So, just the world on the same page. Out of thin air, I got a kid.

Don't worry about all of that. The writers will take care of that.

Bottom line, network tested her.

She's hired. Yeah. This is happening right after the fan club cruise. Right.

Fostering young talent. It's part of what we do here at the network.

Mm -hmm.

Cut to the skinny guy. Who is she?

We squeezed her as hard as we could. Yeah.

Yeah, but that freaking girl, she made a Teflon. Yeah, we even tried the

recaster, but the fans weren't having it, and neither was Augustus. Now, about

Max and the stock acquisition, sir, I was dead. And then Kalista completely

upstaged my wife with her collard green stir fry, and she went

on and on about color girl magic.

Black girl magic.

It was black girl magic, Larry. Horrible.

Well, we'll see how much magic she has left when I get done with her.

Ivy.

Warm in here.

I'm telling you, Fen Fang was freaking furious.

Freaking furious.

We haven't had sex since, Larry. Sounds serious.

Make Calista's life hell, Larry.

Everywhere. I want my wife back. Sir, sir. Have no worry. One step ahead of

sir. How dare she say that the network is unfair to you people? I mean, look

what I've done for you, Larry. Look who I'm married to, for Christ's sakes.

Oh, Larry, I mean, I'm asking you, who is the real victim here? I have so

many things to worry about. What with sinking ratings and soaring production

costs, not to mention the regular daily sexual harassment indictment.

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, maybe I should rethink buying Max's shares.

What do you think? No, no, no, no. Why? Why? His mother is putting in his hands.

Listen, Max just needs the right opportunity, sir. Oh, well, what if he

his mind? Oh, no, he won't. Max plans to get enough of Kitty's shares to tip the

scales in our favor.

Oh. But we'll have to pay him something to avoid blackmail for now.

Oh, Larry, you are good.

You are good.

Thank you, sir.

Well, if your powers of persuasion have convinced Max

Productions to sell shares of Barringer's to us, and if he really

believes that we'll finance his ridiculous movies, well, Larry,

I think you have earned your bonus.

But at all costs, make sure it looks like the blacks still run that

blasted soap. The last thing I need is Maxine Waters protesting on my front

lawn. Listen, sir, just leave all the prickly details to me. Same offshore

like before?

Yep. Yep.

You think of everything, Larry.

Though I have to admit, it still feels a bit awkward working at this level

with a black man.

Yes. Oh, okay. Yes. I mean, I remember thinking.

Failure was imminent when you walked through the door. But, Larry, I mean,

have removed all doubt.

And you have become my number one fixer. It's a privilege.

I've always admired the way you can put capital gains before conscience.

It's a gift.

So we'll celebrate the stock acquisition of a Thanksgiving dinner in Malibu?

Hmm?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, about that.

After Fensang found Augustus fingering over Picasso last year, she

drew the line, no more mashed potatoes in Malibu. Oh.

Well, okay.

Are we done?

Oh, one more thing, sir, about my promotion.

I think I hear my mother calling me.

Oh, okay.

Discuss it another time.

Didn't know your mother was alive, sir.

Wow.

Willie, I need you to give me that cup.

Well, you said I could have it. Yeah, but bookkeeping said it is too

and I need to return it.

Bookkeeping my eye.

Now, I don't see you shaking down Derek and Phillip over their little costumes

all out in public. It's just not right.

You know, this is harassment of a different sort. Yeah, yeah. And I'm

tell Veronica. Fine, fine. You just better make sure the price tag is still

attached. You used to be so nice. Well, a lot of things used to be nice until

soap operas went on life support.

Thank you. Excuse me.

Where's your pants, Willie?

In your wallet, neck bone.

Anyway, Augustus needs to see you. He's in the boardroom.

He says it's urgent.

Urgent my biscuit.

Y 'all just want to hold a black man down.

We don't, Willie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't do this anymore, Snuggle Bunny. I can't. I'm

so hard to be faithful with Allison. I had so much to lose. Come on.

I messed up again. I just... I just... I guess I missed that red, hairy chest

and those big, muscular arms around my teeny, tiny waist making me feel safe.

Really?

Yes. I've just been feeling so, so lonely and paranoid, Randy, ever

I get these nightmares ever since my ex nearly killed me at your renewal vows

ceremony with Allison. I know. I tried to rescue. And then Derek comes in and,

you know, beats me to it. No, it's... Anyway, we're past that now. And, look,

and Roger's in jail and you're safe and... I know. I just... I thought that

could, you know, to calm me down. But I guess I'm just a fool for wishes.

No, we could work something out. Just, uh... Um...

You do miss that naughty little thing you used to do. I miss it, too.

No, but I got to go to a meeting, so... Oh,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm in, I'm in.

I'm really disappointed in you, Fern.

I know, sir. I'm sorry, but, um, take your chance at the airline. Just call it

out of the blue, and you know how I need the extra money.

I depend on you, Fern, as my secretary.

To have you flying off during the fan club cruise is extremely inconvenient.

I know, but you knew I was a part -time flight attendant.

Who gave you a full -time job when Take Your Chances Airlines put you on

probation for joining the Mile High Club with your captain, huh?

Uh, you did, sir, but that was a long time ago, and funny how the captain kept

his job.

Knock, knock.

Who's there? The daytime actor, Philip McQueen, I thought. I had a meeting with

Augustus Berenger. Yes, Philip, yes. Have a seat.

Safe flight, Fern.

Thank you, sir, and...

Smooth sailing to you, too.

This better be important, Philip.

I've got loose ends to tie up.

Speaking of rich, I think I should stay back this year.

Let the newbies on the show bask in the glory of soap opera stardom for a

change. That was very generous of you, Philip.

But I need you on the yacht. You're an important part of the Arnor family.

I wish I felt that way.

Seeing Derek on billboards promoting the latest Steven Seagal action movie

and... Kurt on cereal boxes everywhere. I can't escape feeling a bit

diminished.

I don't follow.

Give me back my old vampire storyline.

I hate working with Emmy.

But the audience is crazy about the love triangle between you, Emmy, and Kurt.

Besides, furthermore, I see no animus between you and Emmy. Because I am a

thespian, that's why.

I'll think about it.

And have you heard that Willie is back on... Wait, don't say it. Cue cards.

Just say it.

All right. Which is why I shortened his dialogue to two sentences of grunts and

repeating after you.

Good day, Phillip.

See you on the boat.

What the hell?

It's like Camp David around here. People all in and out of here. This old firm

go out on a scooter. What was he doing here? Yes, yes. Have a seat, Willie.

As you know, the fan club cruise is tomorrow.

Whoa! Yes, and I am ready. Got my brims and my outfits all laid out. I'm going

to put a spell on them ladies from 2452. That's my demographic.

Willie, would you say I've been fair to you all these years?

No, not lately.

Did you make a living?

Barely. Had to string together six characters just to make ends meet.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I'm making a big storyline change where you're concerned.

Cut me out like a chicken gives a...

Oh, man.

Show business cold -blooded. But I didn't expect you to do me like this,

Not after all the great parts I gave you. After I gave you my best judge.

I gave you my best thug. I gave you my best background woman.

I gave you my best butler, my best gardener. Willie, I'd like to have

with my family, probably tonight.

All right, go on then. Go on. But when's my last day? I want to go sign for my

unemployment. I'm giving you a love interest.

Whoo!

What? Hey, wait a minute. Good kooka -mooka. Hot!

diggity dog.

Wait a minute. You need more space in here. Listen.

After 20 years of soap opera celebration, I'm finally going to get my

afternoon delight.

And a fighting chance of the Sudsy Award.

The Sudsy.

You know, I just feel bad.

I feel bad about all the bad stuff I said to you. I just feel terrible about

that. I'm going to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You know, I'm acting all crazy and everything, like I'm going

some mental changes or something. But I take it all back. Take every word back.

In fact, I love you. In fact, I respect you.

I take a rubber bullet for you. And you know that.

Sure, Willie. No, no, no. I mean, you was always there for me, giving me

chance every time I messed up.

I understand you, Willie. I know how much this job means to you, because

it, you'd be... Homeless. Or back to flipping advertising boards for Roscoe's

Chicken and Waffle.

Stood by me thick and thin.

Who got that double boot off your rental last week? Ha!

You did.

And also, you paid for it, too, by garnishing my wages so you got your

back. Well, I'm successful for a reason. That's right.

Now, about that love interest.

Oh, my.

I know it's going to be a good one. It's going to be a sexy penderoni, man.

Come on with it. What you got for me? I know you got something sexy, something

sweet. What?

Who?

And you two can start rehearsing right now.

A .B., wait. Hold up now.

A .B., hold him up. A .B., don't leave me. No.

Our storyline's going to be front burner, Willie.

And don't worry, no colostomy bag to camouflage.

Dinky, dinky colostomy bag.

And I got my Hershey Highway fixed.

Wait a minute. Just think about this storyline. An interracial couple on

TV. Come on, I don't want to get a bunch of hate mail, Maeve. Don't worry.

Back in the 60s when I was on Petticoat Junction, I kissed this big, big

black guy and nobody said nothing.

Because they cut that scene, Maeve.

They did?

Yeah. Oh.

I'm starting to get a fever.

Oh, whoa.

Who cares?

Give me the illness.

There's nothing gonna stop me from rehearsing our love scenes.

Why? Well, because I'm rusty.

I haven't had a good poke in the whiskers in years.

Tongue or no tongue?

No, no, no, hold up, hold up, hold up. Now, wait, wait, wait. I believe in

spontaneity. And I believe in being prepared.

Oh, I'm tired of...

Sucking on my forearm.

Got a nasty hickey.

No, no, no, wait. Let's just look at this storyline. Is it really believable?

Huh? Yeah, come on. An elderly white heiress falls in love with her young

black gardener. Oh, to all ages, love

surrenders.

And to be honest...

I kiss a toad to stay on the air.

Now, let's practice.

What do you mean you tried?

Tamara wouldn't let me change her paintings. She said there was no time

set dressing.

So why didn't you call me, huh?

You have any idea how important it was to have that artwork hanging in Maeve

Allison's scene today?

Sorry. How am I going to sell the art if it ain't on the damn wall?

Look, don't act like you don't know how this Fordy thing works and how you get

paid. All my clients care about is what day and what scene to watch so they can

see the art I'm putting up for sale.

Yes, sir.

How are they going to bid on the black market, huh?

Yes, sir. I just think I'm going through a rough patch with my mom and I'm

calling my dad back on the pen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for breaking parole, I know. You see this? The tiniest violin

on the planet, all right?

Happens again, sorry won't cut it.

Okay.

Do you think the paintings had anything to do with my mom's hit and run?

Man, I ain't got time to stand here playing detective with you.

Fix it, or I'm going to fix you.