Original subtitles

The Rick and the Ruthless brought to you by Trigger and Tramble and the WNB

Network, delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problems.

I know you're a bit taken back by what just happened. I mean, it was crazy and

it was scary, but... Half as scary as what I'm about to say.

Okay, what? Have you spit it out? I mean, stop trying to be so mysterious.

not in the mood. When we first met, you said that stumbling blocks could be

stepping stones, and if I ever needed to ask you anything, I could just reach

out.

Well, I'm reaching, and...

I just have one question.

Abby, spit it out. What?

Did you really never think I'd find you, mother?

What?

That's right.

I found your diary, and I read every last word.

season, right nose white.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, girl.

Uh -huh. We got these two dogs back here. All right, listen. Turn the music

down. Everybody, listen up.

Listen up. Listen, listen, Linda.

Look it. Okay.

I just want to thank all y 'all from the bottom of my trousers for keeping me

back in the game and making adult entertainment to another level.

And Heather, you were an angel with those devilish moves of yours.

My pleasure, Max.

With a sequel around the corner, right?

Pending.

And who would have known you were a virgin, Ivy? I mean, this being your

performance. Guess I'm a natural.

And Max, how could I ever thank you for this opportunity?

There are ways, there are ways, there are ways. Okay, hold up.

All she did was deliver pizza in the movie.

I did all the heavy lifting.

I gave you a Chinese pole climb to a genie hang.

Abby can't do no Dutchess topped off with a Batman.

Okay, hold on, hold on. There's enough of me to go around, okay?

Heaven and everybody here on the movie, you guys did a superb job of making Max

Productions a reality.

Now, listen, not a leak that I'm using my dad's soundstage on the weekends.

And you better hope he never finds out about it. Oh, he's not gonna find out.

He's not gonna find out at all.

Okay, lock it up. Lock it up.

Turn the music back on. Let's get this party started.

Hey.

Richard Wilson Studios.

Al Jones speaking.

Yes, Mr. Barringer.

Everybody hide.

Joe Dad's coming back.

Get up. Get up.

Why the lights off, Al?

Veronica said to cut back on electric, sir. Here's the package cord left.

That music you were playing was loud. It gets lonely at night, sir.

I imagine it does.

I guess Allison worked extra hard this week.

Yes, indeed.

Somebody here? No, like I said, you know, it gets lonely at night.

Oh, you sly devil.

I ain't mad at you.

Just don't make it a habit. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Night, Al.

Night, Mr. Padgett.

Tossed and turned all night.

Oh, that's just because of all the excitement and preparation you and your

brother Max have been doing for the fan club crew's destination nowhere.

If you can call what he did work.

Max and I half the time.

Oh, honey, calm yourself and have some breakfast, okay? You don't want to

develop wrinkles before you hook Bobby Tramble.

Where's Daddy?

In his office as usual. Where else? He had some business last night, too.

Foreign distribution.

I told him not to accept Eli Nooner's network offer. As usual, he used Larry

Sabinar as a black exec in charge, like a shield.

And we need to keep an eye on Max.

Max can handle himself.

Can't help it that he's handsome and charismatic and women flock to him like

moths to light. Some of them just get too close and disintegrate. It's not

brother's fault.

And Ivy, too?

My mind! What's with all the policing, honey?

Mom, I'm just trying to protect our family company and not let any golding

riffraff in.

You know the family rule.

Don't get involved with the talent. Except for your father.

Remember I told you how I had to convince my parents that your dad was

Speaking of enough, baby, I am so excited about you and Bobby as a couple.

I'm so happy, too.

Dad and I have big plans for you.

It hasn't even been six months.

So what?

Your dad proposed to me after three months, and nine months later out popped

your brother. Then me, sort of. Yep, and you two couldn't be more different if

you tried.

Oh, there's a reason for that. I mean, I'm not biologically a Behringer.

Veronica! Mom, I'm sorry, I just never know what to say when it comes to these

kind of things. I pretend like it doesn't matter, but more and more it

Look, I don't mean to hurt yours or Daddy's feelings, but sometimes I just

so alone.

Honey, give me your hand.

I still need to see Dr. Wagner again. No, I hate that shrink. You were in the

past with your anger issues.

How many times do I have to tell you I killed our family cat by accident?

You know, I knew I shouldn't have brought this up.

No, please go on.

Go on.

Every time someone would ask you if I was your child, you and Daddy would

say yes.

But it just felt like something was missing, like you weren't telling me

something.

Honey, I told you everything there was to know. Where my mother was from, where

my father was from. They were not your family, my family, before you came into

my life.

So... So I've ordered a DNA test.

You what? Mom, this has nothing to do with how much I love you and Daddy. Why

can't you accept that? Veronica, please. Honey!

What happened?

What's wrong with her? She's crazy.

What, she's upset?

About the show, right?

Edith was trying to tell me how to write myself and how to cast it, too.

I wish she'd go back to New York and stay there.

It's not about the show, Augustus.

Veronica wants to know who her parents are, her real parents.

What did you tell her? Nothing.

Good. We definitely don't want to open that can of worms. But we promised that

we would tell her what she wanted to know. We promised to tell her the truth.

Well, that was then and this is now. But, Augustus, we promised.

Things will change, okay?

Well, that's it.

We're not talking about this anymore.

Get ready to go to the set.

Yeah, well, she ordered a DNA test.

I think you should know that.

Yes, Mother. You may get away with murder for murdering Father's first

Angelique, by putting white oleander flowers in her tea when you were her

personal assistant.

I tell you, I'm innocent!

Well, we'll let a jury of your peers determine that.

Okay, that's enough of this crap. Let's take a break.

Oh.

Have you seen Willie?

No. You know, I can't believe that salsa with your favorite soap star hasn't

contacted me yet.

Those boobs picked Betty White over me. I could have hooked circles around that

broad. Maeve, that was probably the Lawrence Welch show billions of years

You know, can Kirk hurry up? I have to finish packing.

That Puerto Rican kid is worse than Willie with his lies. His name is Kurt,

he's Cuban.

Well, same thing.

That's ignorant.

Willie, I have a secret to tell you.

Not now, Maeve. All right.

You and Randall find a surrogate to hatch that kid of yours yet?

No. Everyone's turned us down.

No shock there.

Oh, between the stress and this baby food diet, my perimenopausal myths are

out of control.

You mean the sweat.

Yeah. Well, my gyno said that if I just dab this cream on my decolletage,

that'll help control them, but it's not helping.

Well, of course not.

Nothing could penetrate those bazooms.

You know.

I am deflecting all negative energy.

I'm saving it for the talent show and for the fan crews.

Oh, well, I'm not going on that.

That jailhouse storyline has me exhausted.

Maeve, all you do is lay on a cot 99 % of the time. Well, it's when you don't

have lines that it's the hardest.

That's true, but you're all going to be on that cruise because it's in our

contracts. Oh, all right already.

But...

I am going to pretend to be seasick most of the time and stay in my cabin

playing Candy Crush.

I can't do my scene.

Oh, God. What now?

Someone broke into my dressing room while I was on set and stole my dog.

Oh, you mean that little stuffed raggedy bitch?

It's called taxidermy, Willie.

We need to let that stuff go. It just ain't natural.

It's like me dragging around my favorite dead Uncle Al, you know, who got high

and got shot breaking the entrance to his own house.

Hey, it's not the same thing, Willie.

You know, I mean, just be happy that you weren't in the dressing room. Couldn't

work. Just think of the free press he would have got if you had been. Getting

beat up by the robbers defending your dead dog?

You all are so unsympathetic. No, no, listen. I know you have enough refresh.

Because I heard that you and Kirk's sex tape went viral.

Yeah. And my family disowned me.

Oh, don't worry. We'll holiday adopt you. You can come on by my place, you

We'll listen to some Shy Lights, some Norman Connors, and you'll have the

tastiest chitlin' dinner you ever had in your life.

Nasty. Just nasty.

Tasty. Delicious.

Ew!

We were talking about my dead dog.

Okay, you need to let that go, all right? And let's put that on pause. I

go do my scenes right now. See y 'all in a little bit.

My Aunt Marion, she gave me a puppy that she got at Macy's

back in the day. And, well, I called it Old Spice.

Died it green for Easter. Poor little critter never made it.

Oh, hi, Fern.

You got fan mail for me? I do.

Couldn't pay me to be a stewardess.

Oh, we're called flight attendant now.

Ah, whatever.

Those broads whip those peanuts and pretzels around like weapons.

Everybody's mad.

That flight I was on...

The beverage cart nearly severed my left arm.

Oh, well, fortunately for my passengers, I don't treat them like that.

I despise vacations.

Pretending to be happy in strange lands with family you hate.

Well, Mr. Barringer is very much looking forward to hiatus. He says it'll give

him time to cultivate some fresh ideas before the Sudsy Awards.

Who cares?

I never win.

I'm going Johnny Depp today.

Hard.

Maeve, do you realize that we are the last two Anglo -Saxons on this show?

And he doesn't count.

You've been under a rock.

I find myself commiserating with my fellow colleagues, McBrayden and that

guy with the patch over his eye. What was his name?

McNichols. Go on.

Berensers are putting me in the soap opera affirmative action attic to rot.

And I'm not taking it lying down.

Maeve, are you with me?

Nope. Last protest I went on, I burned my bra.

Haven't worn one since.

That was enough for me.

Standing by.

It pops off. Sit and...

Sit.

And action.

Surgical instruments sharpened?

As sharp as a crease in my jeans, Mr.

Bastard.

Cut! How many times do I have to tell you, Willie?

The T is silent. It's bastard.

Oh, yeah, now I remember. Yeah, you don't like me to call you Mr.

Bastard because I put too much emphasis on the word turd. So you want me to just

drop the T. So instead, you want me to say bastard. OK, and then when you get

that little vampire line, then they start calling you Fink. But you don't

how I put emphasis. Really? That's enough.

On Fink. Action.

Surgical instruments sharpened.

Let's get this carving started.

Put the saw down, Mr. Fink.

Hands in the air so we can see them.

What's this all about?

You'll find out soon enough, Mr. Fink, down at the station.

Coughing? But I haven't done anything wrong.

Tell it to the judge.

No, no, he made me do it. Yes, Mr. Bass, uh, T is silent, T is silent, T is

silent. Erd kidnapped me, too. I swear.

Bums out of my face.

Javier, read him his rights.

Mr. Fink, you have the right to remain silent.

It's... Get him out of here.

I haven't done anything wrong.

Ruby. Dee.

Ruby. Dee. Oh, thank God you rescued me.

They were going to harvest my organs and sell them on the black market.

Not anymore.

Those clowns are going away for a long time.

Man, they really jacked you up, Rudy.

I mean, I have been in this dang dungeon for like the last three months. Cut it,

sis. This is black. My bad, my bad. Thank you.

Are you hurt?

Only my heart.

Because I thought I'd never see you again.

Not me.

Me, I broke down every doggone door till I found the right one. Oh, Dee!

And there's a lot of media out there, so we... We have to go.

No, no, no, no. I can't go out there looking all busted like this.

If only there was some...

Tractor and Tramble, moisturizing and sanitizing lotions so I can take care of

my ashy skin.

Dee, you think of everything.

I know what my baby likes.

That's perfect. Moving on. This is the crap I'm talking about.

You see, I know doggone well Veronica did not have us do that humiliating plug

just because she's dating Bobby Trample.

No shame.

None. Zero. Zip. Absolutely zero.

Still coming over later on tonight? Duh, you know.

What? Yes.

Get you some.

All right, you're wrapped.

No, I have one more scene.

Yeah, well, no, you are not.

Emmy is beside herself since her dog went missing.

Her dog's dead. How can he be missing?

All of Emmy's scenes have been moved to next week.

Just making.

And on top of all of that, all of y 'all are trying to borrow wardrobe to go to

this daggone fan cruise.

Don't y 'all make enough money so that you can buy your own stuff? Here, just

get out of the wardrobe.

You know, I really hope Ruth Carter remembers what a great job I did with

Jungle Fever.

And she calls me for that Black Panther sequel.

All right. Oh, you know what? I almost forgot. The brass, they want to see you

down in the commissary.

For what now?

Girl, I don't know. Just do what you're told.

Thanks,

Beth.

My God.

$6 ,000?

How am I going to pay this Amex?

And why am I going through this at this point in my career?

I smoked that BET callback.

What if I had to crash the audition and tell him I was biracial?

I should be making 100K per episode, not 2 ,000 bucks.

And Eva Longoria.

Eva Longoria, you should have offered me that role.

Oh, yeah?

You can't handle the competition.

Forgot you started off on soaps, too?

Hate you.

Living the life I should be living.

You get past me anyways.

I'm the ultimate career assassin.

Everything just feels so out of control.

I've lost my dad, my dog, and my dentist.

I am not losing my American Express 2.

Okay.

Even though the sex is unlawfully bad.

It is better to ride Randall than have debt ride me.

Baby, I'm back.