Original subtitles

The Rich and the Ruthless brought to you by Tricker and Cramble and the WNB

Network, delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problems.

Why'd you lie to me?

What? Don't play games, Callista. I trusted you.

Sent you away years ago to handle that situation.

I did handle it, Augusta.

But I did it my way.

Right. So you betrayed me.

Betrayed you?

Yeah.

We wouldn't be having this conversation if you just followed the plan.

But no, you're just like all the other actresses, huh?

Excuse you?

When you came to Hollywood, you could barely pay attention, much less pay your

rent. But I gave you a break because I saw something in you. Yeah, you did.

But let's not act like your benevolence didn't have some fringe benefits, all

right? Though I admit there was some fire.

You still end up treating me like a bank just like all the others. Looking for a

sugar daddy.

Well, you got one.

You probably got pregnant on purpose.

Hold up.

I got pregnant?

I never asked you for a damn penny or promise, all right?

And you seduced me with all that talk about how I was the only one who could

make you leave your wife. You remember that?

Yeah. I do.

I never forget.

Hey, you want to, like, go out sometime?

Um, no, thanks. I'm good.

Cool.

Here's Raji.

Can you let me in with a letter?

Please?

Well, I'm supposed to call the office because you know last time you...

But I can work a little something out.

One, two, three.

Oh, oh, oh, where's Benji?

That ain't enough.

Come on, quit playing.

You quit playing, girl.

Bird bye.

Hotness.

And I see, I can see so

clearly now how wrong our affair was. And I pray to God that Kitty never finds

out about us. You see, I was a young impressionable extra on a soap who

care about who got hurt.

And you had me believing that what we had was something special. It was

Until you got pregnant and went and did your own thing.

I was a kid and had to live with myself.

Why can't you man up and take responsibility and see that?

I'm a woman now.

And I suggest you man up and deal with the fact that we have a daughter out

there somewhere. And there's nothing you can do to change that.

Well, hold on, wait, wait. You're not laying this mess on me. Uh -uh, uh -uh.

Now, I have one daughter, and that's Veronica.

All right, that kid you went and had, that's your problem.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Calista, Calista.

I still care about what she loves.

Goodbye.

That ceremony was kind of touching.

Seriously. The whole thing was a joke.

I think we were just getting our soap up away.

Well, if it isn't the happy couple.

Now, how the hell did you get in there?

Oh, well, I couldn't have missed out on Cupid's arrow finding some other

sucker's heart.

Okay, it's time for the party crasher to leave. Or what?

I better watch out, because you like to play rough.

No. Or we will have to call security.

You know, Dee, it's going to be tough on you with your spicy wifey out of town

assignment all the time.

Oh, don't you worry about that, baby. But speaking of my job, did you hear

my promotion?

What promotion?

You bungled that investigation so badly, I'm taking over the case now.

Where does that leave me?

Where do you think?

As my assistant.

That's not in the script. Um, hello? Hey, improvisation. It's Hollywood. Oh,

got some Hollywood for you, bitch.

And now this real -life fiasco. Well,

everybody only came because Max threatened our contracts if he didn't.

that. So that.

Mm -hmm.

Can't believe Kitty and the Gus's agreed to this circus.

Oh, no. It was Max who let them.

Max? Yes.

The whole family was livid.

But, you know, it was too late to pull the plug once Big Mouth Allison told

everybody her boss was hosting this shindig.

What's up with you and Callista?

What do you mean?

I mean, like, the way you hang around her all the time. You don't have to

her around if you don't want to. Mind your business, okay?

Okay?

Where'd that come from?

Yeah, nice to meet you.

Uh, yeah, I have the script.

Look, I don't know, Edith, okay?

Anyhow, when will we start if I did agree?

Whoa, whoa, cowboy, hold on.

First the paper, then the ink.

Those things are important, just so there's no misunderstanding.

Okay, I don't know if this is going to work, Edith.

Really?

Well, remember, Max.

There is one slot left at the network.

Prime time.

I would love to give it to you.

I'm losing my patience, man.

Mom, can you move me, will you? I am the black man, you know.

I could be a game changer.

If it isn't the epitome of Hollywood wedding bliss.

Edith? Edith?

Excuse me.

Oh, Mr.

Barringer, I just wanted to tell you that while you were gone, the show just

wasn't the same without you on it. But now that you're back full time, it's

rainbows and butterflies.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Yeah, and there's something else I need to tell you. Your kids.

They sure are close.

Listen to me.

This family was nearly ripped apart a decade ago over some stupid teenage

indiscretion. Is that what you're calling? That's what it was, right, Max?

Yeah. Look, we were just, I don't know, kids being kids.

It's a million years ago.

Last night, I had this really,

really, really graphic, romantic dream about you.

Oh, we were rolling in the sand.

Okay, uh, Fern, hi.

Bye -bye.

She's always had a crush on you, honey.

Wish this weren't the occasion to bring us all together.

No, no.

You know,

I used to look like you once upon a time. Get ready, sweetie.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you two lovers.

Oh, listen.

I want to thank you for, you know, bringing Randall back to the show. Okay.

Thank you so much for letting us do our wedding vows. Give me a beautiful home.

Yeah, you guys rock.

Kitty, I know that I called it a crusty throwback mansion, but I was being

petty.

No,

I'm good, I'm good. Oh, what is this, a kid's birthday party?

Where is my flash?

Oh, where's my colostomy bag?

When your dad went to prison, I got out of the business.

But I need the money.

That's why I needed your help, Corey.

To keep the show going, right?

Yeah. And this masterpiece will fetch the money I need to make a movement,

some.

Are we doing like we did before?

Yeah. Hang it in one of the fiends that said art, so the buyer can see it, and

guard it with your life.

Okay. And Corey.

Yes, Mr. Range? Let me know the second it dries.

This never happened.

Oh, I found it.

Okay, now let's have a party. Oh, okay, Corey.

Give me a little splash of that right now.

Thank you.

So now, Maeve, are you sure you don't want to change your bet about how long

Alice and Randall are going to actually make it? You know, because I figure

after the dance, five to one odds. Game's over.

You keep my $100 on two months.

Ain't that racial?

Hey, hey, gather around, everybody. Gather around.

All right, everyone gather around.

Randall and Allison have a toast for us.

Okay, everybody grab their ginger ale.

I said we were having at the mansion. I didn't say I was being catered, but

anyway. But Kitty pulled the brakes on that marching band she wanted at her

wedding. I mean, who even does that?

I'm saying.

So sad.

You all are, you're just like family to us. Especially the Barringers.

I just really want to thank you all just for coming out on your Sunday to like

spend the day and celebrate with us.

It really means a lot.

To me and my beautiful bride.

You're here.

Once you make that mistake, I mean, why would you do that twice once you repeat

it?

Mistake you say?

Huh? Huh.

Mistake? Do you have something against marriage?

Sweetheart, I got nothing against healthy marriage.

That's what it means.

Jumping over that broomstick with you.

Clean it up now. Yeah. I mean, you're getting a little better.

What are we saying? How healthy?

Oh, my

God.

Why didn't I get an invitation?

Stay where you are!

Shouldn't we call the police?

I mean, this is serious. Somebody could get hurt. No, the only one who'll get

hurt here is me if I stop filming.

I could sell this to TMZ and buy me a house.

Roger, if you shot me, it would be a relief.

Anyway, I gotta go.

I've got tickets for Engelbert Humperdinck tonight at the Greek.

Oh, I like Humperdinck.

It's a hard ticket to get, too.

Okay, you can go, you jerk.

Brunton, you coming?

Uh, coming.

That way.

The rest of you, shut up.

Move.

Stand up, you tramp.

I can explain.

No need.

I saw the nasty sex tape online.

Your nasty sex tape after I was released from the psych ward.

And then to find out that you filed for divorce?

True love, real marriages, you work them out. But you wouldn't know much about

that, Amy, considering that you kicked your husband to the curb once he was

committed. Things got super complicated, okay?

I mean, Roger got fired for going out on stage naked.

It's not funny, Maeve. All he did all day was watch CNN, drink beer, and smoke

weed. He stopped auditioning, and his agent dropped him.

At least I had an agent.

I loved Roger once upon a time. I loved him. And you know what? What was I

supposed to do, huh?

Stand by my man when he gets put into a loony bin? I don't think so.

Roger, please.

No, no, no. I just wanted us to be together, Emmy.

That's all I ever wanted.

Well, then you don't have to do this.

Right? No, blah, blah, blah. It's too late.

Now we'll be together forever.

On the other side.

Can't we just talk about this like two rational soap opera stars?

No, I'm done talking.

I know all about you and that telenovela thug.

Que pasa, Roger.

Oh, que pasa. You stole my wife, you jerk.

Now, sit down.

Get up, still wife of mine.

Get up already.

Getting up.

When I played carbuckety and cats, you were all over me like a wetsuit.

I used to make your fur purr, remember?

I used to make you meow like crazy.

But the moment they fired me, so did you.

Or so you thought.

Well, now we're together again.

And where we're going, that litter box in the sky, kitty cat heaven, you're

coming with.

It's just fingers.

I need help.

There's going to be plenty of them when the police get here.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my

God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh,

my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

my God. Oh Sometimes I think there's no respect for being a sober restorer.

You listen to me.

Listen to me. You let Daddy take care of some of that pain, okay?

And my

Goya commercials.

This physique is el caliente, baby, and it can't take no metal.

Oh, my God, you guys!

My mom's in a car accident. She's in the ICU.

I gotta go.

Oh, my God.

in the entire hell is going on around here. That was a whole bowl of crazy.

Roger is insane.

Just like Andy.

Poor Cory and his mother.

I didn't know he had one of those.

What's wrong?

Ivy, are you okay?

I know you're a bit taken back by what just happened. I mean, it was crazy and

it was scary, but... Not half as scary as what my father said.

Okay, what? Ivy, spit it out. Stop trying to be so mysterious. I'm not in

mood. When we first met, you said that stumbling blocks could be stepping

stones, and if I ever needed to ask you anything, I could just reach out.

Well, I'm reaching, and I just have one question.

Ivy, spit it out. What?

Did you really never think I'd find you, mother?

That's right.

I found your diary and I read every last word.

No.