Original subtitles

The rich and the ruthless.

Brought to you by Trigger and Tramble and the WNB Network.

Delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problems.

Oh, Rory, Rory, please look at me. I'm in jail for

heaven's sake.

Rory, Rory, you're my only living daughter. I beg of you, please, please

that what you're doing to me is wrong. Oh, mother, you can beg all you want,

faithfully, I learned from the best.

I'm tired of being poor because you squandered away the family fortune.

But my title is still worth millions.

You mean the title? The one you manipulated yourself into by killing

first wife with arsenic?

That's right, mother.

I found your diary.

Cut!

Oh, thank God.

Somebody friggin' fly in my oxygen tank and splash.

Here you go, Maeve. Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna need a refill to get through this day.

Yes.

Kitty, I've been watching your scenes and... He's simply brilliant. Really?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm serious. I mean, you hopped right back

that saddle, boy.

Well, I can't say that Augustus is excited about me being back on the show.

What? And deprive your fans and me of your fair talent? No, no, no, no, no,

You were missed. Believe me.

And daytime needs you.

Oh, yeah. Now, if you need to run lines or anything or need a shoulder or

anything else to lean on, you just call me.

Larry, stop being naughty, okay? I don't need your help, and my children are

doing brilliantly as co -executive producers of the show.

Oh, yeah, so I heard. You know, I must say, I'm amazed at how you still manage

to pull it all together and still look so damn ravishing.

Okay, you're making me blush, Larry. I mean, filming from your house and

those... busted sound stages in Burbank. Must have been hell.

I mean, I went by there yesterday.

You were? Really?

Oh, yeah. You guys just didn't say anything?

Yeah, yeah. We had a nice little chat.

I mean, I still can't believe you married him over me, Kitty. I mean, a

your quality deserves to be treated like a queen.

Larry. I mean, you would have wanted for nothing if you had accepted my marriage

proposal. Okay, Larry, that was forever ago, and I want for nothing now, okay?

Guess how much I made last year.

Yeah, I think we saw that in Variety. What was it, like, um, 60 million?

Obscene. Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, if you're ever bored, my yacht leaves for the Amalfi Coast next month.

Nothing to change concerning you, my dear.

You don't give up. About my soap opera.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. I got distracted.

Ah, as much as I wish I could, Kitty.

Can't promise that the network won't cancel Rich and the Ruthless, unless, of

course, you and Augustus offer me a bigger stake.

Now, you know our stand on that.

Do something about the preemptions, Larry.

It's like every two seconds, when someone sneezes in Washington, D .C.,

to breaking news, presumably.

It's like the O .J. trial all over again.

Yeah, we all know how that ball bounced. Hope's never recovered.

Just do something about the preemptions, okay?

Leaving so soon? And whose fault is that?

Burbank is a drive away, Larry.

Oh, still fine.

Okay. Your pearls are twisted. I like them that way, Larry.

So, uh, what's going on here?

Edith. Not that it's any of your business, but I was visiting an old

See what you can do about the preemption.

Willie, I know you're not happy about this, but Max wants to test me out as a

director. So we're going to have to shoot this before the next scene. We're

going to get all your coverage for three scenes.

It's a damn shame. I don't have nobody here to help me with wardrobe.

Okay, Beth ran off with that pattern cutter, Colleen Atwood.

Nobody's over there for my eyeline off camera. I don't have no cue cards.

It seems like nobody cares that I'm going through electoral dysfunction.

Action!

I sentence you to 100 years in prison.

That's right, I'm overriding the jury or my name isn't Judge Jade Jones.

Cut! Strap!

Yeah, yeah, Maria.

Come on, Willie. You got to pick it up. We don't have a lot of time.

You're wasting time. Just take off the clothes.

Yes, yes, yes. Don't forget the hat.

Go!

Action!

I was cutting the shrubs like you told me to, Miss Lovekin. I looked over in

bushes and I saw a lifeless body.

Strip. Come on, come on.

Time is money. Come on, strip, strip, strip, strip, strip. Take it off. Okay,

okay. Oh, my God, we're making a mess.

Are we going to get this?

Everything, everything.

Yes, yes, yes, you got it. Oh, my God, you're taking too long. We're wasting

time.

Action.

Please, pull it together.

Have this done. Hold on.

Okay. Tie, tie, tie.

Tie, tie.

Tie, tie.

And action.

Ruby, I'd help you escape if I could, but Mr. Bean would kill me, and I'm not

willing to sacrifice my life for yours.

Sorry. Cut.

We got it, Willie.

Moving on.

Moving on. All right, everybody.

All right, guys. We're going to pick it up. Here we go.

Alex, you got the sand?

I don't know why I work so doggone hard when I'm always the last one hired and

the first one fired.

I'm still floating from yesterday, and I can't wait to tell you about all the

ideas I have for Felony Bachelorette. About that, there won't be a season two.

Excuse me?

Matter of fact, we won't be airing the remainder of season one.

Sorry, ratings just weren't there, Edie.

You only aired two shows so far. Listen, you know how this goes, sweetheart.

You're lucky your show wasn't axed after the first half hour. Gosh, this cannot

be happening to me. Don't worry.

I'm not going to fire you and send you out there with the sharks.

So does that mean?

Yes, you are back in charge of Richie and Mrs.

Oh, Mary.

Not here. All right, I don't want Gloria Allred breathing down my neck. You can

sue me. All right, let's stay focused.

We got another shot of prying R &R away from the Beringers, all right? Kitty put

her son Max in charge, and as far as I'm concerned, this guy wants no part of

this whole business, only the money, all right? So give Max the boy a little

incentive, and then once we have Max right where we want him, we'll cut him

loose.

Yeah.

This is a blood sport.

Either be prepared to bleed or be prepared to die.

I'm not afraid.

Oh, I know you're not.

I am your long -lost son because your perm was stolen from the vault. It's

sperm. For the last time, someone stole my sperm, not perm.

And why is it you can say the S in other words but not sperm?

Wow. You are so smart, Philip. I wonder the same thing. Why can't I say perm?

If you're a huge migraine coming on.

Immigration is a bitch.

I remember the golden age of soap opera when it was just us.

Real champagne and caviar on the set.

An occasional person of color pushing my storyline.

Now you people are everywhere, cutting into my pension and health benefits.

I'm lucky if I get two episodes a month.

You do understand that...

We get paid per episode, right?

Never mind.

Lead storylines that used to be created for me now go to muddleheads like you

and Callista.

It's a disgrace.

It's an abomination.

A pockmark in the bare skin of Lady Soap.

I think it's the S and the P together that throws me off.

Oh, there you are.

That's one line.

Yeah.

You

wish.

So, Matt...

When are we going to sit down, talk to you, Dale?

Um, I don't know, Edith. Look, my dad's more married to the show than he is my

mom right now. He's not budging.

Really?

I thought you were in charge.

Uh, yeah.

Sort of.

Well, all you have to do is talk to your mom, convince her

to make some changes, and do what's best for you.

And your family, of course.

Can you get to the point, Edith?

You could be a big, big deal with the network, Max.

You don't waste your talent on a little soap opera.

I can make you the star you deserve to be.

I would do that for you, Max.

Oh, my God.

You're an excellent writer.

Desperate to produce your own movies, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I, um, I don't know. I just, I have so much going on right now.

Well, there is one prime time slot left at the network, Max.

And I could usher you right through the doors.

That is, if you have the goods.

Uh, yeah, I have the script.

Look, I don't know what it is, okay?

Anyhow, when will we start if I did agree?

Whoa, whoa, cowboy, hold on.

First the paper, then the ink.

Those things are important, just so there's no misunderstandings.

Okay, I don't know if this is going to work, Edith.

Really?

Well, remember, Max, there is one lot left of the network.

Prime time.

I would love to give it to you.

Oh, God, you are so handsome.

Oh.

I thought you might want to see this.

And remember, a mind is a terrible thing to weigh in.

He bangs me. He's going to stop.

Listen, I just, I cannot believe that it took me six months to come to my

senses. Will you ever forgive me for putting you out of the house?

There's nothing that you could do that I would not forgive you for.

I know.

But it had to be a nightmare living at the Y.

Well, it was, but it was peaceful.

You know they love gossiping about us at R &R.

I mean, seeing us struggle.

Especially me.

Self -starred, deep in distress, trying to hold it together.

I'm glad that Max called me back to the show.

I was getting desperate.

I mean, I was really close to calling up Big Red at Whisper's Lounge. Don't say

that. Well, I'm just keeping it real with you, Randall. I mean, we were

struggling. Our marriage was falling apart.

Amy and everybody, they were loving that because, you know, they've always been

jealous of our marriage. I was breaking down things.

But I got me some spiritual therapy, and now I'm fortified.

This is not about me. This is not about me. This is about you.

So let's toast to my big, bold producer husband.

Associate producer, yeah.

It's okay, honey, because we're going to be back on top in no time.

They have those barren jabrats trying to run things, and then we got cray -cray

kitty. You know, she can't even keep up with the pace of the show.

Let me tell you something, honey. It is a hot mess.

Are you guys still good?

Of course.

I mean, I'm gonna act like we're good.

Anyway, I've been giving a lot of thought to it and I've come up with a

I'm waiting.

So, I've arranged for us to renew our vows at the Behringer Mansion in front

all of the cast and crew.

And I pre -sold the pictures and everything.

You are brilliant.

I know.

You can get some more of that.

I still can't believe you surprised me like this. Well, a raptor had to come

my baby.

You just saw all the good on the phone, you okay?

Yeah.

Can I ask you a question?

What did you mean when you said you're always looking for dudes with bigger

demons because you don't want to fish your own?

No, I...

I don't know what I was saying. You know, I guess I was just dealing with

stress from work and Grant and moving, you know.

Better now that I'm here.

It's always better when you're here. You know that.

Yeah.

Derek, this time apart has really given me a chance to do some

thinking.

And, um...

It's something that I've been wanting to tell you for a while now. Yeah, me too.

I know what I want now.

Since everything's going to be cool between us, whenever you're ready,

Why I didn't boo.

And this time, it won't be fiction.

I like that.

Yeah?

You've been avoiding me.

Not really.

I visited you every day. I was afraid, you know.

Afraid that I would lose you.

I'm going to be here for a long, long time.

God, I miss Jamaica.

Every time I ask you about your connections to Jamaica, you always

subject.

That's not why you asked me to meet you here today.

Why'd you lie to me?

What? Come on, don't play games, Callista. I trusted you.

I sent you away years ago to handle that situation.

I did handle it, Augusta.

But I did it my way.

Right. So you betrayed me.

Betrayed you?

Yeah.

We wouldn't be having this conversation if you just followed the plan.

But no, you're just like all the other actresses, huh?

Excuse you?

When you came to Hollywood, you could barely pay attention, much less pay your

rent. But I gave you a break because I saw something in you. Yeah, you did.

But let's not act like your benevolence didn't have some fringe benefits, all

right? Though I admit there was some fire.

You still end up treating me like a bank just like all the others. Looking for a

sugar daddy.

Well, you got one.

You probably got pregnant on purpose.

Hold up.

I got pregnant?

I never asked you for a damn penny or promise, all right?

And you seduced me with all that talk about how I was the only one who could

make you leave your wife. You remember that?

Yeah. I do.

I never forget.

All the dinners, trips to Carmel, your three -carat diamond friendship ring.

Did I ask for that back? Why would you?

A three -carat cubic zirconia? Really?

It wasn't worth a box that it was in. But you know what? That's okay.

Because that's what I get for having the affair. See, I don't need your trinket

to know my worth, Augustine. All right?

And I see, I can see so clearly now how wrong our affair was. And I pray to God

that Kitty never finds out about it. You see, I was a young, impressionable

extra on a soap who didn't care about who got hurt. And you had me believing

that what we had was something special.

It was special. Until you got pregnant and went and did your own thing. I was a

kid and had to live with myself.

Why can't you man up and take responsibility and see that?

I'm a woman now, and I suggest you man up and deal with the fact that we have a

daughter out there somewhere, and there's nothing you can do to change

Wait, you're not laying this mess on me. Uh -uh, uh -uh. No, I have one

daughter, and that's Veronica.

All right, that kid you wouldn't have, that's your problem.

Problem? That problem is more your daughter than Veronica will ever be.

And there's nothing you can do to change that, Augusta.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, Calista.

But I still care about you, love.

Boy, bye.

You have something against marriage?

Shouldn't we call the police?

Oh, can you make me wait? It's close to 3 a .m. to blackmailing you.

I got a Steven Seagal action movie I'm gonna be filming and my Goya commercial.

Wish this weren't the occasion to bring us all together.

No, no.

I used to look like you once upon a time.

Hey! Hey, whoa!

Didn't you talk about this like two rational soap opera stars?

Why didn't I get an invitation?

I mean, are you okay?

You know I could sell this to TMZ and buy me a house.