Original subtitles

The Rich and the Ruthless, brought to you by Tricker and Cramble and the WNB

Network, delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problems.

I know what you let Maya do to me.

Yes, my lovely wife.

Yeah, well, I... You know what?

I'm not going to apologize for what I thought was necessary to bring you back

the family, to me. You let that woman pump me full of experimental drugs like

damn lab rat.

Well, yes, I did, because Dr. Cooper said you might not have come out of the

coma. Otherwise, I did what I thought was best.

Best for who?

You're alive, aren't you?

What, memory loss, being disoriented, barely able to write my show is living?

What's the alternative?

Exactly. And that's why I have Max here helping us out.

Max, your precious son is burying us in the Nilsons.

And he put my star character, Ruby Stargazer, in rags in the damn dungeon

Willie. And the other half of my super couple, Derek, he wrote him off my soap,

abducted by some stupid alien.

Yeah, I put Derek so he could do a show with Oprah.

It's great cross -promotion for us. Oprah doesn't need our help. I'm so sick

people poaching my talent.

Honey, honey, please, just calm down. Calm down. Max is doing a fabulous job

head writer.

And he's going to continue to do a fabulous job until you can get your

But you and Dr. Cooper, that may never happen. You know, I couldn't take the

risk losing you. Well, that's the irony.

You lost me anyway.

What are you saying?

If I can't write my soap, I might as well be dead, Kitty.

Don't you get that about me after all these years?

I'm going to the set.

Coming with you, Daddy.

This better be important, Jack. I am on the set preparing for a big scene that

could win me a Sudsy Award this year.

How many times do I have to say this? Tell Dick Wolf I'm not interested.

The role is simply not big enough.

Come on, I'm here.

Let's do this thing.

Finally.

Are you ready, Cleopatra, to rehearse our scenes like a professional actress,

like, say, Diane Keaton, whom I happen to know intimately?

Mm -hmm. Sure, let's do it.

I told you to meet me on the set early so that I could get my cadence down pat.

And I also wanted to be prepared for any of your slang improvisations.

Philip? If you don't get that dusty white finger out of my face, I'm gonna

it.

What did you say?

Look, I've had a day, and you don't want to start with me. Don't make me pull

out an Afro Puff.

Afro Puff in the house! Woo -woo!

Afro Puffs.

Chicken.

Biting my digit.

Now I'm afraid for my life.

Oh, my gosh. Are you serious?

Give me the same amount of respect that you think you deserve.

Come on, guys. I gotta pee.

You better hold it, Willie.

And as for you, Callista, I'm going to take this to the network and report this

incident to Larry Savanor.

He knows how to put problem people like you in their place.

Father Capone?

Please. He'd sell his mother's soul if he needed to.

Come on, guys. Now, before I forget my line... You better hold it, Willie.

I was 100 % prepared.

And now...

I'm out of the zone.

You know I'm superstitious. I have to do my entire preparatory routine all over

again. Speed walk around the block three times, take two tablespoons of honey,

warm my vocal cords again, and read a Norman Peele passage.

I'm starting to twitch.

Why am I not on Queen Sugar? Why am I not on Queen Sugar?

Man, you left me no choice. Y 'all can kiss my butt, and I'll see you next

This is nasty.

Now, ladies, remember, we need to pace ourselves.

I mean, we are still shooting between the Barringer's Mansion and these

humiliating sound figures in Burbank.

Oh, please hear me.

The only humiliating thing is you and those sex tapes that are plastered

everywhere with curts. And we know you leaked them, just like you did with the

story about Augusta and Callista to TMZ. I did not!

Did!

Anyway, on a lighter note, did you ladies hear?

Randall and I are going to renew our wedding vows.

What?

Yes. And Max located for us to do it at the Beringer McMansion so you all can

attend. You'll never get me to attend that fiasco. Not even if you paid for my

next chemical peel.

It won't last.

Randy would stick it into a blind possum if the poor critter gave him a chance.

You sound jealous.

Anyway, Randall and I are thinking about having us a little baby.

Oh, honey, your eggs got hard boiled a long time ago.

At least I have eggs.

Now, Ruby, you know I'd break you out if I could.

But Mr. B would kill me. And I'm not willing to give up my life for yours.

Sorry. Can you just untie me, please?

Untie me. OK.

There you go. Thank you.

I don't understand.

Why is he doing this? I don't have any information.

Well, Mr. B thinks you do. No.

Anyway, the ransom money will be here any day now.

And I overheard him say that once he gets it... What?

He gonna kill you. No!

Help me, please!

Somebody help me! Help me, please!

What is all the screaming about?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I was just about to muzzle her, but I remembered you wanted

her to eat.

Yes, we want our Ruby Stargazer nice and plump when we harvest her organs.

What? Are you serious?

Your plan will never work, Fink. Oh, we'll see about that. Your heart, liver,

and kidneys have already been pre -purchased.

And the rest will be donated to off -the -grid medical scientists.

Been pre -purchased.

Total value, $500 ,000.

But I plan to squeeze out every last penny.

He gonna squeeze it out.

It's just a matter of time, Libby.

Do you want to get the door? I think that is the thug that I hired.

You'll never get away with this. Do you hear me?

Never.

This is the first.

See Larry Salmoner on our little old set.

What's all this suspicious business?

I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd come see for myself how Berenger

Television adapted to its new environment.

Impressive. I must say, your actors look a bit tense.

Perhaps working in this chicken coop is getting to them.

My actors are just fine.

They can dance circles around your overpaid primetime stars any day.

So why are you really here?

I got this.

How long have I known you and Kitty?

Long enough.

Yes, well, let's let bygones be bygones, man. I mean, God knows Kitty was the

one that got away.

Well, I have a show to run. What's the point?

Right, a show to run.

You realize we're living in a Trumpian era, right?

I mean, diversity, how shall I say, isn't a priority with broadcast board of

directors nowadays.

I mean, yes, we can, but no, we can't right now.

I mean, we got to play the long game and make the network great again.

And you can do your part by playing ball.

Now, listen, I can get you back onto my soundstage where you belong, brother,

and where there's working air conditioning, man. I had to take my

sweating like a slave.

Look, we both know you kicked us off the lot trying to squeeze us, thinking that

we'd crawl back to you and Edith. But as you can see, it didn't work.

You may license my show, but you'll never own it.

Yeah. You keep telling yourself that.

Time is running out for rich and the ruthless.

That's funny.

Back in the day, you had nothing but praise for my little sister when it was

bringing in millions in ad revenue, financing your entire prime time

fleet. You're living in the past, Augustus.

And bottom line, if you don't agree to let us buy you out, we're canceling your

sister at the end of the contract.

But I wouldn't dream of ruining this beautiful body having a baby.

Of course, we'd have a surrogate.

So, um, when did you and Randall reconcile?

Why is that important?

All that matters is that we did.

I mean, true love, real marriages, you worked them out. But you wouldn't know

much about that, Amy, considering that you kicked your husband to the curb once

he was committed.

Things got super complicated, OK?

I mean, Roger got fired for going out on stage naked.

It's not funny, Maeve. All he did all day was watch CNN, drink beer, and smoke

weed. He stopped auditioning, and his agent dropped him.

At least I had an agent.

I loved Roger once upon a time. I loved him. And you know what? What was I

supposed to do, huh?

Stand by my man when he gets put into a loony bin? I don't think so.

I think I know exactly how Roger must have felt being pushed out against your

will back when I was a nun.

Wait, wait, wait. You were a nun?

Oh, yeah.

I was Sister Richard Michaels in Minnesota.

And then Mother Superior, I called her Weasel.

She had this cirrhosis of the hands. It was awful.

She kicked me out of the convent when she discovered that I was having an

with one of the little nuns. Oh, uh -uh. Now, Maeve, we've heard enough.

Now, Amy and I, we were talking about love.

And what I was saying is love is all about communication. So Randall and I,

decided that, you know, we had a little bit of turbulence in our marriage, but

we worked through it.

And now we're more in love than ever before. And our love life?

Off the train.

Okay, no one wants to imagine the two of you off the chains and stuff.

Shut it, Maeve. Anyone want to help me with my facelift?

Not really.

Oh, forget it. It's not worth it to put two friggin' lines.

Listen, you gotta really calm down.

Because self -imposed stress is the number one cause for wrinkles.

And it can cause a shingles breakout.

And that would just be horrible.

Especially with me and Randall's renewal vows happening on Sunday.

Well, I told you I'm not coming.

You're coming. And I've had enough bones.

Action! I know my secret operations unit is out searching for me right now.

Well, they'll never find you.

Because no one suspects me.

Director of the Special Operatives Agency.

And if they do find you, it'll just be the cock in their chest. No!

No! No!

No!

No!

Remember what we have to do?

Oh yeah, I gotta go pick up this metal briefcase in Chinatown.

And the password?

Breakfast.

It's breakfast.

That's what I said. Breakfast.

Ruby? You fell right into my trap.

And you're going to make me a pretty penny, so... No!

No!

Somebody help me!

Please!

Help me!

All right, guys, bro, can somebody help me?

Please. I'm still stuck in this. I got you, Ms. Jeffries. Thank you. Who just

leaves somebody in a freaking straitjacket on the bed?

I can't work with you.

I can't. I'm losing my mind. It's bad enough that you have a baby. You gotta

free me. You gotta free me. So sorry. Help me here. Help me here.

Thank you.

All right. Thank you. There you go.

I could use somebody like you. How would you like to be my personal assistant?

Oh my God, really?

I would love that.

Yeah. Okay, cool. You're hired. You're going to need to calm down. Yes, ma 'am.

And calm people still. Okay. All right. Really, guys? I can't work like this.

Thank you. Anyway.

I've moved on and filed for divorce.

My fans are going nuts.

The polls say that Kurt and I are in the top five Susser couples. Isn't that

great? I'm creaming my pants.

Listen, just make sure that storyline of yours, that it lasts.

Because Max and Daddy have some bad blood going on.

So ride that storyline till them wheels fall off red.

Mm -hmm.

Anyway...

Take the offer, Augusta.

Let's face it, I mean, time's not quite on your side following your recent

health scare.

I'm right as rain, Larry.

Got nothing but time and the love and support of my family.

It's you who better watch out.

There's a whole lot of people knocking on my door.

Penny's on the dollar when I can offer you a fortune.

You say what you will, but wrath and greed are my friends.

Could instantly take the pressure off this whole production and your family.

I'm so naughty.

Come on, baby, let's do this. The universe is waiting for me to shoot my

telenovela.

Oh, Javier.

There's no other man for me but you.

You, baby, you.

Oh, Javier.

There's no other man for me but you.

You, baby, you, I tell you.

Then whose frozen sperm is in this cryo kit?

Javier. ¿Qué pasa?

Sí,

I know. I can explain.

Standards and practices.

Kurt, honey, you have to enunciate the F in the word

sperm.

Okay, no problema.

I got this.

And action!

Then whose frozen sperm is this?

Javier, I can explain.

You what?

But I did it for you. I wanted to immortalize you. Please don't be angry

me. You did this for me?

Yes.

For me?

For me?

Yes. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Oh, Javier.

Oh, Javier.

Don't stop.

Javier. Don't stop, Javier.

Javier.

Let's flip this set right away.

Banjo wants that art on the wall.

Terrible how Kitty fell under the strain last year.

People running all over her house, filming from her flower garden,

over her petunias.

Have you no shame, man?

Huh? Really?

I mean, listen, no disrespect, but I can make Kitty happy again.

You're leaving my wife out of this, you worthless father. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

No reason for and so, especially since I'm the one who should be holding the

grudge. Holding the grudge for what?

You're stealing Kitty from me.

Man, I got a show to run. I ain't got time to listen to you rewriting history.

I didn't steal Kitty from you. You can't take nothing you never had in the first

place. Listen here.

You may have gotten a woman, but I got everything else, including the network

that licenses your show.

The only reason you're a network CEO is because your daddy's a crooked judge

that got Steve Moonraker's son off for drug possession.

And that's cool.

Nepotism all day.

Works overtime to keep people to look like you and me out.

But here's what's not cool, Larry.

Your black boot heel on my neck holding me down. You should be making it easier.

You ain't no different and you ain't no good.

As a matter of fact, you're worse.

You're what I call a convenient Negro.

The kind that's blacker than black at the barbecue but don't know a brother in

the boardroom.

Now listen, and listen good.

I sell you nothing.

Now get the hell off my set.

going to make you regret ever saying that.

I thought the doctor told you you have to take your medicine.

If it ain't Lil' Red Rodney.

I think you kids are going to take the show to new and exciting heights. I

spill all my good ink on the soap anyway.

Call me. You get them on set or else. Daddy, how can you say that? I've been

with the company from the minute I got out of college. It isn't fair.

Venture 50 takes. And Clint Eastwood, one take. I'm with Clint. I'm the HVAC.

Did you run a police check? We've been talking about this for a long time.

And you have to get married.

Damn lie.

What? It's true.