Original subtitles

The Ritz and the Rootman, brought to you by Tricker and Cramble and the WNB

Network, delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problems.

It's so embarrassing.

I mean, I just don't know what came over me.

I've never had anything like that happen to me before.

Well, sometimes the word is that good.

Well, if you're feeling better.

Well, wait.

Still a little woozy.

Okay, okay.

I just don't know how I'm ever going to thank you.

No need to thank me.

Well, if you'll excuse me. Now, listen.

Is it pastor?

Or is it rather?

You can call me Pastor.

Oh. Well, Pastor, is there a Mrs. Pastor in your life?

Yeah.

I'm a widower.

And I'm still grieving loss of my wife.

God rest her soul.

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

You know, we have so much in common.

Did your husband pass away?

Oh, he's... dead to me.

Now, I am feeling just a little better, but I want to thank you for that really

powerful monologue that you shared with us earlier.

I mean, it just moved me in ways that I never imagined and touched me in places

that I hadn't been touched in such a long, long time. Yes, Sister Allison.

Really. Now, Pastor Bell, I just want to know more about that left and flesh

passage because I have a whole lot of left. I have a whole lot of flesh. Well,

can set up one of the church counselors for you. Listen, don't be trying to push

me off to one of your assistants.

I must be counseled by you.

Sister Allison, repent!

Now, you know, my only regret is that I did not come to this church sooner.

Well, as a man of the cloth, I advise you to pray.

All day.

Every day. But the power of prayer alone sometimes just doesn't work.

Mr. Allison, prayer always works.

Well, excuse me one second.

Yeah, yeah, well, do what you got to do.

Soap Digest, breaking news.

Randall Roberts is off probation and back at Rich and Ruthless full time?

the heck?

Oh, my God. Pastor, you were right. The power of prayer. Oh, it does work.

I'll be back.

Let's see.

How can we get some press and buzz around this?

Oh, I'm going to ask Max if we can renew our wedding vows at the Bearington

McMansion.

I can pre -sell the phone.

Are you ever getting dressed?

Don't rush me. It's not every day I get to wear it.

I give you the world, and yet I still don't own that blasted suds.

Oh, come on. Don't be a fun crusher with shop talk. I told you I will take care

of it. Shh, shh, shh.

You've been saying that for a year.

And your partner Randall was worthless.

It's time for you to keep your end of the deal and deliver.

I kept you as VP at daytime, and I greenlit your reality show. And I

in every way I know how. Yeah, never mind all that.

I want to stand how Augustus is still producing that show after we slice his

license fee.

I'm going over to those crumbling Burbank sound stages today to see for

what they're up to. You never visit any of your shows, except for the 25th

anniversary of Celebrity Spelling Bee.

Yeah, that was embarrassing.

Nobody could spill.

Network couldn't give a dime to a single charity.

Anyway, I'm making an exception visiting the R &R sets.

This one goes deep.

It's personal.

What are you doing in here?

No, the question is, what are you doing with an art crate in the garage?

Oh, man, tell me you're not painting for the wrong reasons.

Well, I guess like father, like son.

How could you?

You know what happened to us.

I like food and shelter, okay?

I'm not actually a production assistant. I mean, I am, but I'm just... It's just

a front.

I mean, how do you think I afforded this place long before you moved in?

Watching you lose everything.

Watching Dad go to prison.

Look, that's never going to happen to me. And I'm doing everything that I can

ensure that.

You just need to trust me. And right now, I can take care of you and me.

Corey, no.

No, you're going to end up just like your father.

Dad was reckless, okay?

I'm careful.

Don't tell me you're not working for Augustus Barringer.

Are you? Mom, leave me alone.

You don't know him the way I do, Corey.

He'll destroy you the way he's destroyed your father. And he's going to use you

to get back at me. What are you talking about? It's a long story.

Just trust me.

I have a much better solution.

Yeah, you nailed it. Thank you, Tamara.

Bye -bye, Randy.

Okay, bye.

Now, this roll fits you like a glove, just like that dress, Liliana.

Thank you, Randy.

Thank you, Randy. But if I don't get these hot words out of this hot body, I

going to... Okay, cool your jets, Liliana. I just want to remind you that

are old sides because there's a mole on the show leaking storyline to our

competitor.

Well, let's get started before I start leaking.

I'm breastfeeding.

Super.

Action!

What do you mean I'm being recruited to the CIA?

I know you grew up on the mean streets of Chi -town.

Ain't no biggie.

My mama died when I was 12.

And it ain't my fault that just a girl from the hood had to support my six

brothers and sisters.

But I did it.

I got it my way.

I love it. I mean, I'm good.

I'm good.

There's no good.

Sorry.

Randy, I'm going to call you. Hey, camera.

Thank you, baby.

Oh, the baby. My baby.

Come on, baby.

You must be growing immune to my injections. You didn't sleep half as

I'd hoped this time. What injections?

Why doesn't anyone know anything with you in and out of my house? I can't

imagine you'd actually want Kitty and your kids to know all the dirt on how

ruined my life.

I don't have time to play games, Maya.

Are you the reason I... As much as I'd love to take the credit for your stroke,

I'm afraid it's due to your five decades of greasy barbecue that's stressful

soap opera. Your wife and the spoiled kid. Go to hell. I've been there.

done that thing to you. Guess how many times I thought about pushing you six

feet under while you lay helpless in your bed. What stopped you?

Well, there's no real challenge to offing a person while in a coma, is

Randall, listen. Edith keeps blowing up my phone, too.

And don't worry about Veronica.

Yeah, she'll come around.

I think she's phony about her. She doesn't like me either.

Who was that?

All right.

Let's get something straight.

I know we're both co -execs or whatever, but I'm gonna need some privacy.

Oh, please. There's no privacy when it comes to Barrington Dramatic Television.

And why mommy keeps giving you second chances, I will never understand.

Because I'm heir apparent, that's why.

All you do is spend mom's money and dad's money on bimbos.

What life do you care? You were the one who had a meltdown during Essence Fest

because you had to fly home coach.

Screw you.

I see.

I like that.

The drug that woke you up from your little nap?

It isn't quite FDA approved yet.

Who gave you the right? Your wife.

What? Kitty knew all about the risks.

The poor thing was so desperate to have you back, she'd have agreed to anything.

And you took advantage.

Just like you took advantage of my husband's talents to make millions from

art forgery scam.

You know, it's funny how Joe's the only one in the pokey.

What do you want, Ma?

Money. And lots.

of it.

Believe me, you're going to pay up if you know what's good for you.

Remember, Augusta, pain is inevitable.

Suffering is optional.

Man, I knew I shouldn't have bought this stuff in Mexico.

Sure had us a good time, though.

But now it's time for little Willie to get some sleep so big Willie can do his

daytime gig.

Come on, man.

This is serious.

Now, as long as you follow directions, you'll be just fine, Heidi.

I hope so. This is my first intern job, and I don't want to mess this up. You'll

be good. You'll be good.

Corey, how many times do I have to ask you to have someone check the A .C. in

room? Everything.

It's breathing up. I'm so sorry, Calista. I will get right on it. By the

this is our new intern, Ivy.

Hi. OMG, it's you, Ruby Stargazer. I grew up watching you on The Rich and the

Ruthless. I remember that part where you slipped off that cliff and then came

back to life after you fell out of the hot air balloon. Oh, and when you did

that sexy shoot in Jamaica.

Wow. Yeah, you sound like a real fan.

Thanks. I know I'm not supposed to come near the stars, but can I please have a

selfie? Ivy, it's fine.

Thank you. I cannot wait to tell my granny I met you.

Great.

You know, I'm an actress too.

Are you now? Well, a struggling one.

I actually auditioned for a role in this show, but I didn't get the part. But I

got a great internship here, and boy, am I grateful because I was completely

broke.

Well, I definitely understand being broke all too well, actually.

And never forget, stumbling blocks can be stepping stones.

Right. All right.

Nice to meet you, Iris.

Corey. I'm on it.

It's Ivy.

Oh. But she's kind of nice. Oh, don't worry. She's super nice. She only gets

ticked off when she's frizzy hair.

And when she has a scene with Phillip.

Well, okay. I guess she's kind of a bit of a diva. But out of all of the divas

on the show, she's the nicest.

Now, remember what I said about Willie. When we go to his room, knock on the

door, he's always going to say nope. But don't be discouraged, okay? Just keep

knocking. And when you open the door, don't be too shocked. Anyone or anything

could be in there. Copy?

Copy. Gee whiz, you are sharp. It's good to have someone to help me on the show.

Oh, this is temporary.

I have other ambitions.

Girl, we all do. But reality sets in.

Rent.

Let's go. Okay.

Need to be paying me a whole lot more money than this.

Could be making more money at my cousin's cleaners on rodeo.

This fabulosity I'm working with could at least be a guest star, co -star,

extra.

I am extra.

Hey, well, ain't you a sight for sore eyes.

We missed you on the show.

Where you been hiding, sexy?

Unemployment line.

I understand that.

Can you let me in with a letter, please?

Well, I'm supposed to call the office because you know last time you...

But I can work a little something out.

One, two,

Three, four. Oh, oh, oh.

Where's Benji?

That ain't enough.

Come on, quit playing.

You quit playing, girl.

Bird bye.

Hot mess.

Oh, Mel, my little baby.

Oh, my God. I love my little boy. Oh, no, no, no. Uh -uh. Get out of here with

that dead dog.

Hey, you know what? No one gets bitched at for being cremated. What's the

problem with having your dog taxidermied?

Anyways, I am so excited that Max took my badass character off life support and

rehired Randall. Well, you can say that again.

Honey, he had my nerves so bad, like, so bad, I'm doing this, like, child -adult

therapy thing. That's why I'm coloring.

I mean, it's the only thing that keeps my nerves just calm.

But your husband got demoted to associate producer.

kiss of death.

He's like a leper in this business. No one wants to work with him.

Yeah, serves him right.

Messing around with the barren business.

Why don't you stay in the slow lane where you belong instead of spewing that

dinosaur dust?

You do not know what you're talking about.

Oh, yeah?

It was in the trades.

Oh, but I forgot.

You only get your news from Twitter and the funnies.

It's okay, guys, because Max has the most cutting -edge ideas for my

I mean, finally, someone recognizes my full potential.

Oh, and Kurt and I are up next, and Max has been writing the most sexy, steamy

bedroom scenes for us.

Yeah, I bet I know why.

Well, she's right for me.

When his father wrote my first facelift into the show, it was a ratings bonanza.

Getting old in this business is not fair.

Yeah, well, there wouldn't be a soap opera industry if it weren't for my

generation. I was on soaps when it started.

On the radio.

And beyond that.

Silent screen.

Okay, guys.

Now, I can't get ahead of the press announcement, but Max is thinking of

me to be the lead in his next independent film.

Well, just make sure you get all your shots. I don't want you walking into

grindhouse production.

A what?

Just do your research.

Now, we know how Max can be.

I mean, he practically begged me to come back to the soap, and I just didn't

want to see him grovel. I felt kind of sorry for him, so I just inked the deal

that same day.

Yeah, unfortunately, just when I was beginning to get a little bit more

time. Unfortunately, yeah.

Maeve, really, will you please stop trying to claw your way back up to the

I have no problem being on top.

You, on the other hand, would crush someone.

Bite me.

Can't. Gave up on pork.

Sorry I'm late.

I was at ABC, but I rushed right over. I could hear it in your voice that you

were upset. What's wrong, sweetheart?

Weezy, you could have told me that you took on two new clients. Heaven and that

heifer Liliana. I can't. What was I supposed to do? The poor girl needed an

agent. Poor girl's my butt. And if I see Liliana at any of my auditions, I'm

out. Of course not. She's concentrating on commercials. In fact, she just got a

butt blaster spot.

Good for her. Yeah, you know, the ones where they say firm the flab forever?

Yeah, I know the commercial. I passed up on it, remember?

Residuals, a lot of residuals. Weezy, you need to focus.

Do you see what Max is doing to me?

Thanks.

I never watch this stuff.

Weezy, they got me in rags.

Rags, I say. Too cheap to even splurge on wardrobe.

And, hello, I'm in a straight jacket. They got me in a dungeon for Phillip's

dumb stupid storyline. Who even cares about Phillip?

It's crazy, right?

Sounds like a soap opera to me. You're missing the point.

Max and Randall are running my character, Ruby Stargazer, into the

I've worked entirely too hard to see this foolishness unfold before my very

eyes. Wheezy, I'm pissed off to the highest level of piss -tivity. You need

do something about it. Oh, and did you not hear me? Every scene I'm in is with

Phillip, which is a nightmare.

Which is a paycheck, I'll call you.

Breathe.

Breathe.

We're not inheriting Barrett's dramatic television to be slaves to it, Veronica.

At least I'm not.

You're such a shining example for your little sister.

Well, you're definitely not little.

Much more than a sister.

You disgust me.

Why do you keep fighting it?

We both know what's coming.

And you're pathetic.

No, I'm rich.

I get what I want.

No, I'm rich.

And get out of my chair. Daddy!

Hey, darling.

Max, why aren't you all set?

Uh, I'm writing from home today.

Daddy, please, please tell me you're back full time.

Yep. Just got a clean bill of health.

Yes.

Stronger than ever.

Stronger. So strong.

Mommy. Baby. There she is.

My doting, dutiful wife.

Who would stop at nothing, and I mean nothing, to see me well again.

I know what you let Maya do to me.

Yes, my lovely wife.

I'm sick of people poaching my talent. At least I had an agent.

Don't make me pull out an apropos.

Ransom money will be here any day now. Somebody help me!

I'm creaming my pants.

You know, I couldn't take the risk losing you.

We're canceling your sponsor at the end of the contract.

But I wouldn't dream of one in this beautiful body having a baby.

You're what I call a convenient negro.

The kind that's blacker than black at the barbecue but don't know a brother in

the boardroom.