Original subtitles

The Rick and the Ruthless, brought to you by Cricker and Cramble and the WNB

Network, delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problems.

Sorry about the mess of folding laundry with Grandma, too. What do I owe this

pleasure? Usually when a man...

Propose this to his future wife.

He does it in person.

Oh, Derek.

Derek. Oh, my God.

I take it you haven't read the latest book.

No.

You and me?

No, didn't read it.

We're getting married on the show.

Really? Oh, yeah. The ratings are like, bam.

And Mr. B is moving on a really, really good thing. Yeah. And so it's going to

happen. Oh, yeah.

And guess what? What? Guess who's on the cover?

of the New South Side digest.

No. Yeah. Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh,

sorry. Yeah. Sorry. I got all your personal space.

Would you like to do dinner later?

Celebrate.

Yeah.

Yeah. It was my, you know, my grandma visiting and all. I can't.

Brain check?

Brain check.

I see you at the altar today.

See you at the altar?

And don't trip, because you know a brother keeps it fresh with the mint,

spray, and the gum. Right now? You know I do.

I'll holler.

Why am I being kept in the dark? I need to know what's going on.

And by the way, Billy just choked me out after I tell him we're letting him go.

Stop being so dramatic.

Oh, you were there.

And you felt his hairy knuckles on your throat.

As it turns out, we're on the fence about recasting Willie. And I'd watch my

tone if I were you. We'd still sign your check. Would you rather we cut your

wife, huh?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

And for the record, we found a permanent location for shooting.

Where?

You'll know soon enough.

Not everyone will be coming, though.

Wait, wait, wait.

I need to talk to Augustus.

Mom and Dad are on a much -needed vacation to Jamaica.

Now? What?

I just told you. Beyond that, it's none of your business.

Oh.

Oh.

Cory, my man.

Been looking for you.

Found some mice in my dry cellar. I'm pretty sure they're having sex. What are

you doing?

I'm working on your upcoming tropical honeymoon scene with Derek.

Say what?

Yeah, to save money, we're going to shoot it as if you and Derek are just in

huge pool, just splashing around and stuff, you know.

But don't worry, the camera's not going to actually see the pool itself.

You cannot be serious.

Look, I know it doesn't look like much right now, but once I inflate this, fill

it with water, add the beach balls and spread out the sand, it's going to look

just like Montego Bay.

My God! I swear, the Beringers are so cheap.

They pinch a penny so tight, it's like you can see Lincoln on both sides.

Yeah, well... Where's Veronica?

Veronica! Just the person I was looking for. What?

isn't fair what isn't fair you guys sent allison to hawaii for her honeymoon

season and i gotta shoot the freaking katie pool oh allison's been our naglini

lady for quite some time now of course we afforded her that privilege okay but

according to the latest poll derrick and i are now the number one sudsy super

couple so wow that didn't take long did it since we're going for what you're

going from fast food to daytime diva okay let

me ask you something Sister to sister.

Girl, please don't even go there with me. I know far too much about your

backstory. My dad practically wrote it into your first storyline, so you need

dial it back a bit.

We both know that you playing the role of Ruby Stargazer in this show is a

lifeline. Look, honey, you're 30, you're black, there's no roles out there.

Millions of girls would love to splash around with Derek Taylor.

Do you get it?

Or do I need to say it in a different language?

You got it. Good.

So if there's nothing else, I have work to do.

Veronica.

One more thing.

What? What, what, what, what? Talk to me. Okay, so do you know the photoshoot

Derek and I are doing in Montego Bay?

Yes, I made provisions for you to stay at our villa in order to do some local

press at TV Jamaica.

Right. Okay, so what if we stayed a few extra days at Secret Resort?

We could shoot the honeymoon scene there.

That would save Richie Moose some money, right?

I am thinking.

I'm thinking.

Huh, I'm still thinking.

You know what? I like it.

I like it a lot, actually.

I'll talk it over with my dad.

You happy?

Good. Good. Come on.

Lose some weight, huh?

Good boy.

Good boy.

Okay. Nothing beats a fail, but a try.

A win is a win.

I could do this all day, but I'm not. It's hard.

Okay.

Keep up the last one.

Fake! Corrie!

Mel's in

your

mouth. Talk to Veronica.

about moving our honeymoon shoot to Montego Bay.

Isn't that great?

Hello,

did you hear what I just said?

You can thank me now.

I was hoping to relax a little bit.

You ever been there?

We're talking upscale certification, baby. An adult escape for romance and

sensuality. Could you be serious for a second? I'm being serious.

Veronica wants us to go do a bogo to press, and you want us to go do some

Busted my butt to get us out of the kiddie pool in LA.

And all you can think about is not having enough time to chillax in Jamaica

kick it to the honey.

You're right.

You're right. As long as I get paid, I'm cool. Cool. Cool. Bye.

Okay. See, see, see. That thought right there, Derek.

That's the problem.

If we don't try to elevate in this business, we're always going to be

dispensable. I hate to wake up one morning and someone's like, thanks, but

don't want to need your services.

Damn facelift was a waste of money.

So I walked into Jerry's room to rehearse, and there was Calista with her

down her throat. You love that.

There's the woman who married her for despair.

Oh, so what? So did Kitty.

It worked out for her. You know, poor Maeve. You're still bitter because I got

the leaving lady wrong. That happened years ago. Now let it go.

I'm not bitter. I'm thrilled to be alive to see karma bite you on your double

wide ass.

How does it feel to look in your mirror and watch it crack as it proclaims

Calista Jeffrey is the fairest one of all?

How does it feel to wear adult diapers?

What about me?

Debra and I just broke up, and Calista's already stalking him.

Well, that's why you can't trust these Buddha women around your men.

You can't trust your men around me, and I'm 80.

Oh, I've had just about enough of you.

You've never said that to a plate of carbs.

Oh.

What do you want to run off, mother -daughter thing?

Give me ten minutes, Maeve, and I'll come to your room.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness. The vocalist...

I was the good girl, and now Augustus barely even writes for my badass

character. I mean, seriously, how long does it take to get out of a coma?

I don't feel you. I mean, it is a damn shame the way he dotes all over her at

all. I mean, you know, when I was a child star, I used to work from the

you know.

Anyway, if I was the second leading lady, I would be worried.

Really? Why? Have you heard something about me getting cut?

Well, no, but I did hear that they were going to get cut at the race.

And who knows who or what they'll sacrifice to make that happen.

Besides, Calista has Augustus wrapped around her little finger. Not to mention

my other body part.

Calista and Augustus?

Ew, I just tripped my mouth.

We'll swallow.

Because she's getting all of our front burner storylines.

She's getting the magazine cover. And now they have this location in Jamaica.

What? A high -end resort called Secret.

The irony.

He's probably going to get a fuzzy this year if his service is rendered.

Poor kid.

It's a damn shame.

I have to go.

Break a leg, girl.

Break a leg.

Okay, you're right.

This is amazing.

I think I deserve a drink after.

I think you do.

Peace to the sweet.

We don't shoot our honeymoon citizens tomorrow.

Wanna have some fun?

What?

Oh,

Allison, I'm so sorry I'm late.

No worries, friend.

I had to go ahead and order something, girlfriend.

I'm starving.

You look amazing.

Thank you.

So, how was Jamaica? Tell me all about it.

Fine. Yeah.

So, you've got Callista and Derek.

Why would I see them?

I mean, well, they're there doing the photo shoot. You know, it's your villa.

Right. Oh, that.

That. Hi.

I'll just have the mineral water.

No ice. I've lost my appetite.

I'm not eating.

Sure. Can you bring some more bread to the table?

Thank you.

Yeah. Well.

So, about that.

It'd be easy to miss those kids. You know, our Jamaica state is sprawling.

Well, if I was no longer in the business, acting and all, I wouldn't

them either.

Besides, it's probably best you didn't see Calista. Why's that?

You know, with the rumors.

What rumors?

Oh.

Kitty, I don't want to talk. Spill it.

Amy, she's been spreading these vicious lies about Augustus and Calista having

an affair.

What? Mm -hmm.

Just nasty rumors.

You know.

I think my friend is going to want something a little bit stronger than

I'm on the wagon.

With times like this, you need a little bit, okay?

Could you bring her a double vodka martini?

Just nasty, nasty, nasty. I thought that all of his cheating days were over, you

know, and I looked the other way. I looked the other way because of Veronica

the show, but I am done.

If he thinks I'm... If he thinks I'm going to give him a divorce, he is

Well, you shouldn't give him a divorce.

I mean, don't jump to judgment.

Crush that bitch like a bug.

I'm so sorry.

Here, have mine.

I'm surprised that son of a bitch can still get it up with his condition. What

condition?

Minor strokes.

A stroke?

Well, doesn't that cause brain damage?

Clearly that's not the head my husband is concerned about.

What are you looking at?

So you weren't in Jamaica on vacation, I take it? No, we were at Cedars -Sinai

Hospital getting a test done.

Oh, kitty cat.

What are you going to do?

Seth, you wait and see.

Later. Another, please.

What do we need to talk?

What's wrong? What's wrong?

We're in the same pantry with Uncle Ben.

There's no privacy in here at all. And Veronica has killed all of my love

with Derek. Why does everyone hate me?

Not everyone hates you. Oh, really?

Really? Really? And everyone, you are behind on my rent and ride payment

Randy. Stop it.

Stop it. I was... humiliated beyond life at my Beverly Hills dermatologist.

My annex was declined for Botox and getting Derek's name listed off my app.

You wanted him to.

Look, I am under the gun and Allison is on my back. Oh. No, I think she's back

on that.

I don't want to hear it. I don't even know why you're still married to that ex

-stripper. Just unfreeze my plastic before my face falls.

Everything is in the right place. Come on.

Is it true that I might get cut?

Is the show going off the air?

Are we going down, Randy?

Wherever you go, I'm going to go.

Sometimes I think there's no respect for being a sober for a star.

And on top of everything else, when Tarantino's screen test got cut, they

I'm too recognizable.

I mean, isn't that the most asinine excuse for being an overqualified

what?

Let me let Daddy take care of some of that pain, okay?

Don't stop.

And now these damn flea bites are from Berenger's house.

I can't believe...

Derek and Calista are in an international photo shoot.

Absurd.

I thought the show was broke.

Next thing you know, they'll be flying off to the Noomf Awards in Monte Carlo

and then the Kangaroo Awards in Australia.

Oh, God.

The world is changing so fast.

I can't keep up.

Where are all the white people?

The blacks are taking over.

I'm scared.

I'm really scared.

I was an English and theater major at Yale.

Magna cum laude.

What happened?

I was such a happy, talented boy with such promise.

Tomorrow I have those insipid scenes with that bubblehead Callista.

I'll have to navigate ad -libbed ghettoisms. Oh, no, he didn't.

I'll have to listen to Willie talk about his bygone days with Ben Vereen and how

he was almost shaft.

And that face cloth hanging off of his back.

Just like I know the bear hunters are trying to write me off the show, I can

feel it like a bad hemorrhoid.

There's a light And you can feel

it Burning bright

Together

by the fire life in a private shadow show.

Just as long as you stay near to me, my dear.