Original subtitles

The Rich and the Ruthless, brought to you by Cricker and Cramble and the WNB

Network, delivering truth, not fluff.

We keep you clinging to a cliff while inspiring you during commercials to keep

your laundry white and those chocolate cakes moist.

20 years of aspirational escapism from your own damn dirty problem.

You're not making any sense, Kitty, okay? You're not coming back on the

and that's final. The audience has moved on. We have new stars.

New stars?

Are you talking about the audience that I pulled in when you were butt broke and

facing bankruptcy?

And I stuck with you anyway?

Let me tell you something, Augustus Learson Barringer. My fans will never

me because I laid it down.

Kitty.

Downstairs on the terrace.

Oh, my goodness, it's you.

I, Alison Benchhouse Roberts, married four times and came back from the dead

twice. I just love you on my story.

Corrie, rules.

What? Ma 'am, please don't talk to the town.

Exclusion? Oh, Calista, I didn't even see you. What are you doing here filming

an episode of Where They Now Call The Street?

Listen here, crazy town.

I'm back on the show.

And disrespect my grandma like that again and see what happens.

Pipe down, Calista. You get a gram.

Corey, listen.

I'll be wearing robin's egg blue today, so make sure that no one else wears

anything in the palette of blue. I will also be wearing my ombre wig, so make

sure all the husbands get the memo.

And the Fuzzy Award. I need you to fill out my ballot and buy me 100 ,000 more

followers because Emmy has more followers than I do, and that is a no

You got it.

Thanks. I don't like ugly. All right. It's three flights of stairs. You guys

ready? Hold on, Grandma.

Mercy.

We got that for you. I got it.

Baby,

hold up. Sugar, don't leave. Get me some water, if you please. I'm parched from

the climb, baby. Yes, ma 'am, right away.

And, Calista, Beth is waiting for you to do a fitting in bedroom F. Okay, thank

you, Cory.

Oh, my God, baby, my precious.

I just love her.

I mean, why are all my fans freaking 90 years old? What happened to all the

Jose's and the Dontrell's? They used to fall at my feet.

Which brings me to you, Randy. What the hell is Calista doing here on my set? I

thought you said you got rid of her.

Shh, just keep your voice down. That's all. Just, I can't. Look.

Did you just shush me? No, just, there's nothing I can do.

Do not shush me, Randall. And do not tell me what you cannot do. I only want

hear about what you can do.

Because I am a soap star.

Legit. It doesn't make any sense that I'm having to run up and down the stairs

to get these knockoff snacks in this throwback mansion.

And I'm sweating out my edges because they're too cheap to even turn on the

conditioning. And what about me? My office is in Veronica's old bedroom.

Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here and sit.

Come sit here.

Now, I want you to listen.

I cannot have you quit before the miracle.

Victory is around the corner, and I can smell it. Well, I can smell something,

too, but it doesn't smell like coconut.

I'm tired of competing with Maeve and her tyrannosaurus breath and Emmy and

firecrackers. And now, Callista, she's back?

No, I'm the soap star. Me, Alison Fairchild Robert, okay?

And I need these people to recognize that.

I need you to get rid of Callista.

Fix it.

Because I'm on the edge.

I am on the edge.

Come here, kid.

Let's get your car. Shade.

Uncle Ed.

Whoa. It is hot up in here.

It should be. It's the damn attic.

Well, welcome back, Calista.

Mm -hmm.

Well, you must be Mrs. Jones.

It's Grandma Jones.

Okay. Grandma Jones, it's a pleasure to meet you.

You know, I am the director and the producer now, and Allison is the leading

lady of the show.

And R &R is our show.

Hmm, I thought the Barringers owned the story. That's right.

Right, Barringers.

Well, we're just one big happy family.

Oh, God, Randall. Is there anything else you need?

You know, Augustus just had to have you back on the show.

And I wonder why.

Because he handpicked my grandbaby for the part in the first place, jackass.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, don't worry about it at all.

You know what, this time, it's going to be about more than getting my contract

back, Grandma.

Oh, yeah.

This time, oh, I'm going after power.

So we never have to go through this crap again.

That's what I'm talking about.

How was that?

Oh, thank you.

Ooh, weekly.

May I say you are wearing that dress, or should I say that dress is wearing you?

You look like somebody melted you down and poured you into that dress.

Thanks, Willie.

Oh, my Grandma Jones is visiting from out of town. I know you're going to take

care of her for me, right? Oh, don't you worry about that, baby girl. I got you

covered. And might I add that toe cleavage is his.

Oh, you need to stand still.

Can't you see I am trying to work here, Willie?

Can't believe I'm still stuck on this damn soap opera. You know, I was almost

wardrobe designer on the movie Friday.

I was the assistant on Coming to America.

Move again. All right.

I still got to take in Allison's jumpsuit.

Done put on a few pounds.

Menopause is a bitch.

I don't care what nobody say.

I like myself a thick woman.

Ain't that right, Beth?

Oh, okay. Willie, you don't... Can't you see I am trying to work it? Don't you

have somewhere to be?

Stop distracting me, okay?

I've been known to affect the ladies like that.

If you don't... Come on, Beth.

I just come in here to find out if you finished fixing my members -only jacket.

You always dissing me. Don't go dissing me like that. You know, if it wasn't for

me... Oh, here we go. Willie, please.

Well, you're always falling all over Derek. I don't know what your problem

You know what?

He better recognize me. Because that next sucking sound in here might not be

jaw sitting in place. It could be my knife slipping out his back.

Willie, go.

Gone. Lily, I've been looking everywhere for you.

Philip wants to run lines because Mr. Barringer said no more cue cards.

Nope.

Whew! I can smell Calista's back.

It's Kentucky fried hair up in here again.

And don't try anything. I'm carrying pepper spray just so you know.

Is this something that you need, Amy?

No. I'm just fascinated.

Doesn't that hurt?

No. Oh, would it?

Well, it looks positively medieval.

Thank God my hair goes in straight naturally.

Do you mind?

I thought I was looking for you.

Thanks.

I cannot stand that

nasty nut.

What happened to the little girl on the show?

I guess when you get fired, you don't keep up with the show.

They aged her 25 years, so she's no longer a student boarding house brat.

now a resident brain surgeon baby snatcher.

But she was just blind and 10 years old six months ago.

Yeah, well, you gotta love folks.

Poor girl's manager asked for more money, and you know Mr. Beringer, he

gonna have that, so he had her kidnapped, killed off, buried alive, dug

Voila.

Let me give you the tea on Philip. Ever since his nervous

breakdown and his hydrotherapy, he's all about the improv.

Really?

Mr. If it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage.

Philip?

Come. Give it to him.

He'll love you for it.

Okay. Okay. Thanks.

I mean, if we don't work together, we might as well work together.

To be or not to be.

That is the question.

All right, I'm ready. Oh, my God. Can we just shoot the damn scene already?

Remember, Phillips, on the piano. And action.

Will that be all, Mr.

Bastard?

Yes. Thank you, Willie.

Thank you for meeting me at my ranch, Ruby.

Come, sit down.

You said it was important.

Ruby.

Ruby.

You have been handpicked for the CIA's youth elite program.

Is this a joke?

Did Weeboy put you up to this?

Because you got the wrong chick, dude.

Yeah. Because I ain't no snitch.

And I definitely ain't nobody's bitch.

What are you doing?

Oh, no, no, no. What are you doing, man?

I don't know, sir!

Stop it.

Stop it!

That is not in the script!

No, I... I know. I thought we were vibing.

What?

Vibing. Allison said you like to improv your breakdown.

How dare you expose me.

Mock the marriage between performer and page.

What? I have... I've been on this soap for a quarter century, and I will not

tolerate your splitting verb and informing me of improvisational

vibing. That's lunch.

I have worked with Meryl at Joe Pat.

Robert Goulet on Broadway.

I will not lower my solution.

Where is Rundle?

He went to the bathroom.

Put those back there.

You going to let my arms fall off?

Derek! Oh, my God!

I thought you were in Italy.

I was, I was, but everything went out of hand.

I see they're giving my leading lady a hard time. Oh, God, what else to do?

You okay?

Melissa, you're the guest. Can I come in?

Yeah.

You do something, I'll do it for you. You know I will.

Already?

You know, just looking after my leading lady.

That better be all you're doing, Doug.

I'm going to keep that joke.

Two things I don't joke about, my soap opera or my money.

Oh, God.

Can we get a minute?

Yeah, absolutely.

You all right? You all right?

Mm -hmm.

I did.

But I'm not here to say they're there, Calista.

And you remember when Willie and Phillip got in that fist fight?

Yeah. Did I fire either one of them?

No. So why was I?

No. See, that was a tragedy.

The network got involved.

It got complicated.

But I had to let that die down.

But a soap opera is like chess.

And I need my queen.

Oh, God, are you so fine? You're still fine as hell.

What are you doing here? I'm right now. No, don't worry. Don't worry. Don't

worry. I'm dipping my pen in company ink a lot more. You sure?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

But the ratings, the ratings are going to go through the roof. They're going to

soar. But you're coming back.

All right? If you still have that hustle.

Oh, there's something in there now.

You sure? You sure? I need you. All right. I need you. I feel it. I need

Okay. All right. You got it.

All right, you get yourself back out there and make me some money. Okay. All

right. All right. I'm right here.

Get that now. All right.

All right.

Did you hear about it?

Huh?

Derek and Calista on the cover of Soap Says Digest?

Nope.

The thunder and the thought.

I'm going to take care of it. I'm going to take care of it.

No.

No, no, no. Don't you worry a little nothing about it. I'll just do what I

normally do. I'll put on the pants and I'll handle it myself.

You are obviously impotent in more ways than one.

Nobody else seems to be complaining, okay?

Good, Calista. Copy that.

Sir, we have another problem.

Willie Turner's toilet stopped up again.

I told you to get those anti -gum poop shoots last week. People run up my water

bill. I forgot.

I'm sorry.

Anything else, sir?

Heaven, Jesus.

Baby, come here. Now, tell me what's going on behind the bubbles in my

All right, now, Graham, you know I can't tell you that. Oh, you ain't no fun.

Well, then tell me what's going on with my future husband, Willie Turner.

He's good. He's dropping me off a wall with his crazy self, but, you know, he's

Willie. Let me tell you something. Yes, ma 'am.

I read in one of them old magazines that you get in the grocery store that

Willie was originally supposed to play chef, but they went with Richard

Roundtree on account that Willie came down with the gap.

Really? That is hard.

I'm going to get the door, Grandma. Hold on one second. I'll be back.

Oh, please. I need to get me a full tea.

Oh, God.

Sorry about the mess I was folding laundry with Grandma.

What do I owe this pleasure?

Usually when a man proposes to a spiritual wife, he does it in person.

Burning bright.

Warm together by the firelight.

In a private shadow show.

Just as long as you seem near to me, my dear.