Original subtitles

So there I was, in the crumbling remains of the Palais Grand, at

about two o 'clock in the morning, enjoying a sambuca with the Pekingese

ambassador.

I spent three years in Somalia in the mid -90s. It's actually where I lost my

arm. I bought this one in a market for 150 ,000 bang ados.

Extraordinary story, actually.

I was due to volunteer at the King's Palatial Palace as a lifeguard, but the

train from Liverpool Street... This obviously isn't a real dinner party. I

know any of these people, nor do I like them, but I have been to loads of dinner

parties like this one and heard stories like this, and it balls the hell out of

me. Just the constant one -upmanship.

Oh, I once struck a shot from a tribesman's navel, or did I tell you

time I made love to a Mongolian warlord?

LAUGHTER

I mean, I normally go to Portugal, but I've been to some pretty cool places,

Haiti, Ethiopia.

Nobody's impressed, which is why now I want to go to somewhere really extreme,

get myself a story, so the next time I'm hearing some of this crap, I can just

say, oh, excuse me, did I ever tell you about my expedition to the Arctic?

My quest to find the ultimate dinner party story began with three long -haul

flights to reach Iqaluit, in the Canadian territory of Nunavut.

Situated on the edge of the Arctic Circle, it is the capital of a vast,

populated region that stretches to the edge of the North Pole.

I wanted to find out if the Arctic is actually worth visiting, or if really

just a very, very big, very, very cold place with no beaches and no sun

You know, when we were coming into land, it almost sounds embarrassing to say

that I saw a lot of snow, but I did see a lot of snow.

My preconception of this place is that it's going to be freezing cold, and I

anticipate that preconception being reinforced every single day that we're

So there's going to be no revelation where I go, actually, you don't realise

it's cold anymore because you've got a warmth in here.

What you're going to get is me going, it really is freezing.

You know this is a Christmas show, right?

Yes. But the BBC were quite keen for you to show a little bit of Christmas.

By putting this on?

Yeah.

Let's be absolutely honest here. It's May.

The weather's like this all the time, so nobody feels Christmassy. You can't do

a normal thing and then put a Christmas hat and a jumper on it and suddenly it

becomes Christmassy.

This is so stupid. How does this make this a Christmas episode?

It's the shittiest idea ever.

Oh, yeah, we're going to do a Christmas episode. We'll just do a normal episode

and have him put a hat and jumper on.

Jesus.

Oh, God, it is freezing.

I was due to be met by Johnny Etherlook.

A local actor of Inuit descent who would show me around and attempt to convince

me that it was possible to have a fun holiday in minus 20 degree weather.

Hey, man. Hi, I'm Romesh.

How are you?

I'm good, man. Nice to meet you. Yeah, nice to meet you. You just got a T

on? Yeah. That's all right, is it? Are you cold?

Mate, I'm freezing.

No, just for the occasion.

You're wearing a T -shirt, Dave. Yeah. It's going to get warmer. It's going to

get warmer.

Like, you know, a month or so.

So how cold did it get? Over this winter, it was a consistent minus 50 for

good couple of months, like it was a cold winter.

Minus 50?

Yeah, a year or so ago it was recorded minus 79 with the wind chill.

The Arctic Circle is an area, the precise definition of which is too

to summarise in a TV -friendly sentence.

Imprecisely, it consists of an enormously cold chunk of floating ice.

surrounded by the coldest parts of the coldest countries in the world.

Canada, Alaska, Russia, Scandinavia, and Greenland.

Essentially, it's the icy bit at the top of the earth, and it's cold.

All right, so this is it.

Yeah, this is Iqaluit.

So we're on Baffin Island, and that's Frobisher Bay. Yeah. So that's

all sea, is it? Yeah, all that white part is all ocean.

Frozen over.

And we'd travel across to go fishing in Bay of Tours across there.

So all of this freezes over for how many months of the year?

Seven months of the year. So seven months of the year you can go out over

essentially what is the sea? Yeah.

That's mad. Can you fall through? Yeah, there's hunters that have fallen through

in some areas.

And then what happens? What do you do then?

You either get lucky and survive or you die.

One or the other.

Fortunately, drowning in the freezing Arctic Ocean wasn't part of the plan.

plan was to enjoy a few days in Iqaluit before flying 700 miles further north to

one of the most remote settlements in the world.

From there, we would head out to the ice flow, camp out on the frozen ocean, and

hopefully spot some polar bears.

We would begin, excitingly, with a ride on a snowmobile.

Simple. Turn it on. Okay.

You know what you're doing there.

Remember, gas, brakes, right?

And just gun it if you can sometimes, right?

Yeah. Oh, shit.

How's he gonna be?

He's fucked.

But...

Let's watch him go yonder.

Woo!

I'm so proud of you!

Come on! You got this!

Woo! Yes, mate!

Oh, shit!

This is unbelievable, man.

Beautiful, ain't it?

It's the building here.

This is insane, man.

I mean, it's incredible. Just literally day one, Johnny's absolutely smashed out

of the park. It's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

We've been on these skiddies for a couple of hours now and I already feel

we've made a connection, haven't we? Yeah.

We're like bros.

Except one of the bros keeps telling the other bro that he's going to die.

It's inevitable.

Beautiful as the scenery was, it was apparently quite dangerous out here.

Perhaps worried that he would get sued, Johnny had drafted in Louis.

An Arctic survival expert to get me up to speed.

The one biggest important thing, polar bear safety.

It could be a real threat for you, for people in general. I don't want you to

die over there. I want you to take the right decision at the right moment. I

don't want to die either.

Have either of you been attacked?

Or do you know anyone that's been attacked?

I've been grabbed by one and then let me go.

What happened?

So we're 45 miles north of home. About 5 in the morning, we're in this big,

round, white, homemade tent.

My dad's nudging me. I'm at the end of the tent, nudging, nudging, nudging

quietly.

And he let go, walked backwards to the end of the tent, picked up his rifle,

started aiming toward me.

He saw the shadow of the tent as a polar bear, 11 -foot polar bear, was grazing

and shadowing right beside me.

And it stopped, put its paw against the tent.

An 11 -foot polar bear's paw is like this big, right?

Put its paw against the tent, slowly brought it down, put it on my foot,

it, held it for a few seconds, let go and walked away.

He gave me something, spared me, right? He could have easily tear me apart.

And that is why that's the only animal I won't hunt for myself.

Wow.

Johnny's polar bear story had killed off any lingering hopes I had of competing

with him as a male.

There followed a demonstration in which Johnny would pretend to be a hungry bear

and I would play the role of a terrified tourist.

Johnny's going to be the bear, is he?

Yep. And does a polar bear normally grab its junk like that?

Once in a while.

We need to make him know that we're here. We need to make ourselves noisy.

bigger all right let's put ourselves side by side yeah make some noise hey

bear hey bear get out oh man i'm so tired from killing get out of here oh so

that's a bluffing bear bears do that they'll bluff at you to stand their

they're standing their ground we stand our gear so bang bang hey hey bear get

out of there get out of there get out of it

so we're not shooting at the bear we're just shooting in the air shooting in

front of him to scare him away okay now that bear doesn't mind so he claimed

this piece of ice as his piece of ice and he's coming at us no no don't stand

behind me stand in front of me so next step you're gonna have to fight for your

life you're gonna fight the bear you're gonna have to fight it if you're like

that that's it you don't have a rifle you're gonna have to fight that guy So

do you fight a bear?

Their most important body part is their nose.

You're going to have to fight for it and punch the bear right in the nose. Does

that work?

Has anyone ever done that? Yeah.

Who? You know Wes Wilbury?

Yeah. Yeah. I know. He had to do that. Wes Wilbury sounds like a Marvel alter

ego. What you don't know is if somebody's tried it and then died

were slaughtered.

Jesus, I'm just going to die.

I'll just be going.

And then it will just eat me. Just bite my head off and shit down my throat.

What if we get you the raid tools?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll be honest with you. After this chat, I've suddenly become pro

Okay.

Holy shit.

Hold this for a second.

All right.

All right, bro.

One for you and one for me.

This is the kind of photo that ends up as a meme on Facebook.

This is why immigrants are dangerous.

Here, I brought one for you.

I'll take mine now.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

I mean, my biggest hope if a polar bear turns up is that it chokes on it.

Believe it or not, my dad killed a polar bear with a 20 -year -old. Did he? Did

he stick it up his arse?

Oh, shit.

Okay.

You got it. You got it. Yeah, you did.

Yes, mate.

You heard it, mate. It's right under the mouth.

I feel like I'm ready to tackle a polar bear. That bullet, what would that do to

a polar bear?

It'll slap it.

Okay.

So, do you feel better prepared to survive in the Arctic now?

Um, no.

If I was left on my own here, I mean, if they pack up now and go, I'll give me

seven minutes before I'm dead, where I stand.

You have the gun so you can shoot a polar bear. Let me tell you something.

polar bear's running towards me, even if I'm in a tank, it's 50 -50 what

happens. Because I am useless in that situation.

What I would suggest to everybody with me, what I can offer a group that's out

here in the Arctic, is that if a polar bear runs towards us, it's... almost

certain that I will be at the back and in that way I will save your life by

providing an initial chocolate starter for that polar bear.

Iqaluit is a city of just under 10 000 people.

Until recently, it was known as Frobisher Bay, after the English

first landed here in 1576.

The renaming of the city was part of a wider push to reclaim Inuit heritage in

the area.

When he isn't talking about hunting, which is rarely, Johnny gives speeches

Inuit traditions all over Canada.

Back in town, he took me to the local community centre, where he'd arranged

some friends to perform some traditional music.

In the 1900s, a bunch of missionaries...

came to the north to convert to Christianity.

And by doing that, they told them that their culture and their traditional ways

were not good, that they would go to hell and that their spirit wouldn't go

to a good place if they continued to do any of their traditional stuff.

So that was including drum dancing and throat singing.

So they turned up and basically tried to stop the Inuit people continuing with

their culture?

Yes. And do you know offhand if these were white people?

A lot of things in Indian culture is being revitalised now.

Right. Could I see some?

Yes.

We have to stand up kind of quick.

Do we have to stand up? It's awkward doing it. No, you can sit. OK.

So this song is called My Poor Little Puppy. My Poor Little Puppy, right. It's

story about a little girl's group of puppies and this one puppy was super...

So she created the song for the puppy, and the puppy became stronger and

stronger, and then the puppy became the leader of her dog team.

Oh, wow, that's a lovely story.

Okay. Okay.

It's essentially a kind of competition. You are making noises that replicate the

sounds of animals.

OK, so there's a leader and a follower, and the follower does the same thing as

the leader about half a second later.

It sounds like a development meeting for when they were... initially designing

the muppets all these sort of weird practice noises

As I carried on listening to it, I got it. There's no doubting there is a skill

to it. 100 % there's a skill to it. Because Johnny and I had a go at it, and

is difficult.

And it's very difficult to keep it going for a long time.

The first sound is... Yep.

Ooh! You're really good. A lot of people don't get that right away.

Like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The next sound is... So you're saying... But with your

throat and breath.

So me and you are going to do the same thing, and we're going to try to get

off. Okay, fine.

You've got to pay attention.

We're going to try and get you both off.

Yes! Yes!

Did we win?

Yes! Yes!

Yes, we won! We won? Yes, we won!

No, you know!

Thank you for that.

Oh, my pleasure.

Do you want to do it from now? Are you in practice?

Oh, God, it is fucking freezing.

Normally at this point we would cut to a shot of the moon or slap in a sunset to

indicate that it's now evening.

Unfortunately, at this time of the year in the Arctic, the sun doesn't set and

it doesn't get dark.

For the entire week, we experienced perpetual daylight with only a slow,

creeping sense of knackeredness to tell us when it was bedtime.

But rest assured, it was evening, and so Johnny invited me back to his house for

a beer.

This is where we get the booze from?

Yeah, this is where we get beer and wine.

It looks like a prison.

Before, we had to order it from the south, fly it in by cargo, and now, a

more convenient.

So you get a list of what kind of beer you want, what kind of wine you want.

In England, it's not like this. You just go to the supermarket, get it whenever

you want.

And also, it says there you need to have ID every time.

In England, if you look above 12,

they'll probably sell it to you.

If you've got stubble, you get served.

What do you mean?

Alcohol consumption has proved a huge problem in the community.

and the state now strictly controls the amount that any individual can purchase.

So the total for your 12 beers and two bottles of wine will be 98 .60, please.

There you go.

So 96 dollars is what, like 70 quid?

70 pounds is a lot for 12 beers and two bottles of wine.

Alcohol isn't the only thing that's expensive in the town. Almost everything

that is sold in Iqaluit has to be flown in. Being above the tree line, nothing

edible can be grown here.

At one point, I spent 10 pounds buying two apples.

Oh, it comes from the little hatch there.

Yeah. It's not Argos. Do you know Argos?

Argos? Argos.

Argos? Argos.

Argos? Okay, there's no point in talking about this.

Okay, cool, thank you.

Have you not heard of Argos, by the way? No, I've never heard of Argos before.

Argos. Argos?

Yeah.

Okay, it doesn't matter.

What the fuck's Argos? Okay.

Would you like a beer?

Yes, please.

Here? Who's that?

My son.

He's three years old and drives his own snowmobile.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

And what is this?

Muscat skin.

That's polar bear skin.

Right. Caribou skin.

Okay.

Plastic.

Did you kill this polar bear?

No, it was a gift. I told you I don't hunt polar bears for myself. Oh, of

course, right, yeah.

All my skins are for bedding. Okay.

You're cold?

I would say I'm at less than optimum temperature for my full functionality,

yeah. Okay.

You ever, you know, body heat's the best form of heat?

What are you suggesting?

Find a friend.

You didn't bring me in this garage to fuck me, did you?

People come here and end up staying here, right? There's a lot of people

come here, like, sign contracts for four months, end up staying here for 20

years. So why?

What is it about this place that makes people want to stay? Because to me, it's

so alien to what I'm used to.

I think it's one of the few places in the world that

you can pretty much be free.

My son, he's three years old. We can go five minutes out and he can shoot his

gun and he can drive his snowmobile right in front of, like on the road

Right. You know, free.

And people that come visit us can pretty much do the things we do or even just

experiencing it. Yeah.

Outdoors here is every night, every weekend.

There's elders that say being out in the land is like therapy.

When we were out today, it was peaceful, it was quiet, it was serene. It's very

soul -touching. It makes you feel good.

Night didn't follow day, but it was the next day nonetheless.

Although this area officially became part of Canada in 1880, as recently as

1950s, almost all Inuit lived nomadically out on the ice, with almost

with the outside world.

The forced transition to living in cities has been controversial and

a way of life that had existed for thousands of years, all but disappearing

the space of decades.

Johnny wanted to take me back out onto the frozen ocean to show me the remnants

of this ancient society.

So where are we going?

So it's a place called Kaumak, a place of light.

And there's a lot of history apparent there.

Like there's old Kaumak, old dwellings that were used thousands of years ago.

It's a very beautiful spot.

You're going to really enjoy it.

I love the way you talk, do you know that?

I know. You sound like...

You're speaking with like a, there's a gravity to your voice that I find very

arousing. I know. There's a lot of kakamaks and dwellings, like that.

I know.

So how we're going to get there is by dog team.

We're going to be pulled by a team of huskies on a sleigh.

Kamuti. Kamuti.

Yeah.

So are these working dogs?

Yeah, they're working dogs. And we still use them today mainly to keep

traditional life, cultural life.

Because my ancestors used them a thousand years ago, and without them we

wouldn't be able to haul big animals, mammals, or travel long distances with

the family and all the gear.

This is about tradition then, basically?

Yeah, just like in England, you have horses pulling carriages.

You don't need to do it, but by respecting the tradition, you use it

don't need to do it anymore.

Huskies were once an integral part of Inuit existence.

In the 1960s, government agents began killing the dogs in their thousands.

Some say to prevent the spread of disease, others in order to force the

onto the land.

Whatever the motive, the result was that without dogs, hunting became almost

impossible, and the nomadic way of life died with them.

This is beautiful Qam Marwit.

It's a good spot to show a little bit of history.

Right.

Shit!

You okay?

Yeah.

It's sort of...

Times like this when you think, how much do I really care about history, do you

know what I mean?

Fuck!

What shit!

Okay, thank you. No worries.

Smooth sailing from here.

Look at all the beautiful ice sculpture.

Yeah, still not worth it.

Look for unusual patterns on land, like you see all this grass and stuff like

that.

And this is a kakumak.

So this is the ruins of an old Inuit dwelling.

There's not much left, so what would it actually have looked like?

So this would have been deep, and well, like bowhead well ribs would be

used for walls.

So the walls would be made from whale ribs?

Yeah, to make the foundation.

Right, right, right. And then sod would be used to pat down. Onto the ribs.

Yeah.

I think what's most amazing is they were able to use their tools to make that

decking.

Made out of whale and ivory.

So what is this for?

It's just a marker in Uxuk.

So that the people will know we were here.

Do you feel like the ways of the Inuit community are being eroded or do you

think it's getting better or worse? What's your sort of take on it?

Sorry, I was... What was your question?

A geese flew by and I was going to shoot it.

And I... All I thought was shooting that geese.

Do you think...

We're in a situation where your culture is being eroded or is it getting better

and more people are becoming aware of it? What's your sort of take on it?

I know I'm able to teach it to my children, to my friends' kids, to my

I'm able to do that. And there's many of us like that right now that can keep

the culture and tradition strong.

But there's a lot of young people out there, even older, that have,

I guess you could say, forgotten or lost.

the traditions.

You know, you don't know who you are or where you come from anymore because of

different lifestyles that we got introduced to forcibly from being

to living in buildings and have to live by time, you know,

make money.

buy our gas, buy our food, shit like that, you know. And drugs and alcohol

introduced not too long ago, and that's a big problem up here too.

And, yeah, identity crisis is a big thing for a lot of young people.

You know, you're forced upon losing your identity.

It does depress me a little bit thinking about it, you know.

For me, it's been a mixed bag. When you go out on snowmobiles and stuff, it's

amazing. It's beautiful.

And it's one of the things where you think, I am very lucky to be seeing

This is something that I didn't envisage seeing firsthand.

In terms of the actual life in the town, the truth is it's quite bleak. It's

quite a bleak existence.

It doesn't feel full of life. It doesn't feel vibrant in the actual town itself.

It's when you go outside, it's when you actually see the natural beauty of the

place, it's when you get involved in Inuit culture, you actually start to

it and go, I understand why there's an appeal to coming here and checking it

out.

But it is a really tough existence and you can never really forget that for a

very long time. The only time that you do forget that is when you completely

immerse yourself in all these different sort of cultural activities.

It very much feels like...

It feels like so far it's been a trip of, like, very stark contrast.

Despite all evidence to the contrary, it was a new day again.

I still hadn't got myself a story that would truly wow a dinner party back

but Johnny picked me up and drove me to the airport, explaining that we would

now be getting on a flight 700 miles north to a tiny town called Pond Inlet.

Excitingly... there was a chance we would see a polar bear.

Terrifyingly, it would be even colder than Iqaluit.

Trust me, when you get through it, when you're done, you're going to be like,

I'm moving north.

So am I getting a Johnny guarantee that when I go to the flow edge

and I see what I see, I'm going to be like, this is worth it. It's

guaranteeing you an adventure and an experience you're never going to forget.

Positive, in a positive way. Yeah, yeah. Because people have gone to Guantanamo

and they've said, I'm never going to forget that.

Yes. Doesn't mean it's good, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, it's going to be just like that. You're going to have a great

experience, good or bad.

Jesus Christ.

Pond Inlet is one of the world's most northerly settlements.

It grew out of small Inuit communities in the early 20th century, when

prospectors came here looking for gold.

They didn't find any, but today it is a town of just over 1 ,000 inhabitants

that supports the small tourist industry.

It's a beautiful landing.

Yes, the scenery is amazing.

It is nice here.

We would be using the town as a base to head out to the ice flow, where the

frozen ocean begins to break up into open water.

and Arctic wildlife congregates to feed.

Look at this.

When you look over the ocean, you see beautiful mountains all covered in ice

snow. It's a great experience just by looking, just by landing here and

around. Yeah, I mean, that is beautiful. There's no doubt about that.

And we're heading that way?

No, we're heading that way. We're heading that way? Yeah.

Pondinle is a dry town, and in the absence of pubs, Locals often gather

at community feasts.

I was told that it was normal for strangers in town to put on a spread and

everyone to join them. So I headed to the local radio station to invite the

entire town to tea.

I know that sounds completely absurd, but it did actually happen.

What sort of food are we talking about?

Arctic char, seal, polar bear, whale, caribou, all these things are possibly

going to be there.

You just never know what they caught.

Any vegan options?

Yeah, there's going to be moss.

Radio, I was told, is a big deal in Pondinlet. Nearly every

house in the town has a station on in the background. All day, every day.

A fact which made me feel both intrusive and ill -prepared.

Oh, OK.

Yes.

Just let me know if you have any time to...

OK, thank you. Hello, hello, hello. This is Romesh Ranganathan.

I hope you're well.

I'm taking over your radio and interrupting your bingo results for,

minutes, and it's going to be amazing. I'm so good at radio, and I'm completely

in control of how to work this.

I am here making a TV show, and I'm trying to explore the Arctic and explore

Inuit culture, and Johnny is helping me do that.

We've been having all sorts of fun together, haven't we, Johnny?

Yeah, we have.

Yeah.

Ignore the lack of enthusiasm in his voice. I mean, he's looking at me with a

passion in his eyes that I haven't seen since I first met my wife.

I've got some announcements to make to you. If you are listening to this and

enjoying it, do not worry, the bingo's coming soon. The next announcement is we

are going to have a community feast today at 7pm at the community centre.

Please, please, could you come down?

So, what am I going to tell you about my adventures? Johnny, we learned... You

helped me shoot a gun, didn't you?

Yeah.

Cool. Thanks, Johnny.

I learned that apparently if a polar bear approaches you and you don't have a

gun, you just punch it in the nose.

I don't know if anybody out there has tried that, but I would love if you have

tried that and it's worked, if you could call and let us know. The real bingo

here is, will I be able to put through the... Whoa, we've got a call coming

through. This could be exciting, guys. No, no, this is the...

No, it's not that one. It's this one, isn't it? No, I have to use something.

No, you don't. That's the internal phone. This is going well, I think.

Hello? Johnny's taking a call now.

I'm going to keep you updated as the call comes in.

Johnny, what's going on with the phone call?

He was just asking, isn't there a music show usually at this hour?

OK, so we've had our first complaint, essentially.

You might hear a slight desperation in my voice, and that is because it's 7 .50

and we're not calling the bingo yet. I'm supposed to be relieved at 7 .50. OK,

guys, it's bingo time.

I've never played bingo before, so I can't announce it. What I can tell you

we've got this machine in here, this bingo machine, it's the math... 3500

what i've heard it is the best bingo machine in the business there was a maz

3400 that came out in sort of 2011 apparently

did not distribute the balls at the correct rate. So they've brought in the

3 ,500, and apparently it really is doing the business here.

Oh, so look, it's time for bingo, guys. Listen, thank you so much for listening

to me.

I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Please, can I ask you one more time, community

feast at the community centre tonight at 7pm. We're going to lay on Arctic char.

There's going to be singing, there's going to be dancing, there's going to be

hugging, it's going to be amazing.

I want to see as many people as possible. I want to meet everyone in

tonight. Community centre. 7pm please be there

this

is

no different

From Iqaluit, it becomes a pond inlet and everything is about tradition,

everything is about culture, everybody is Inuit and they're very, very

You walk along the street and people say, welcome to Pond Inlet, I hope you

enjoy your time here. You know, they're open, they're welcoming and they're

very, very proud of their culture and you can't help but respect that.

I think that it was a really nice

evening.

I have to say it actually gave me both an insight into their culture and also

appreciation for how and why they do the things that they do.

Look, I'm slightly nervous about this two -day expedition.

Johnny has told me that I'm going to see loads of nice wildlife and stuff. I'm

looking forward to that.

I'm also slightly nervous, if I'm being honest, about the challenges that

camping out on the edge of the ice flow represent.

But actually, coming to this evening feels like the perfect kind of set -up

it. So, yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

The following morning, we headed down to the ice, where a convoy of skidoos and

a team of guides had been preparing for the trip.

And we're going to be dragged.

Yeah, we're going to be dragged. The four -hour journey would take us even

further north, where we would spend two days camping on the frozen ocean.

It's not all that, is it?

No, I'm joking. It's amazing, isn't it?

The ice flow is where the frozen ocean gives way to the open sea.

Wildlife is drawn to this spot in search of fish.

I had come to look at the animals, and Johnny had come to try and shoot them.

But on the afternoon we arrived, there was no sign of life.

What a beautiful afternoon.

I can't believe we're here.

Beautiful. So this is the flow edge.

And normally, if there was no winds coming in this way, this would be open,

seals, maybe whales, sharks, dolphins.

What does your gut tell you our chances are of seeing some seals now?

Minimal. Minimal.

Yeah.

We've come out here to see some animals.

at the flow edge, and, well,

we see nothing.

You kind of think we've been a little bit naive here. I mean, when they make

wildlife documentaries, they come out here for months, months and months and

months, and we thought, well, we've got an hour before dim, let's see if we can

pop out and see a couple of polar bears in a narwhal.

And now we're surprised that we've seen nothing.

Oh, look, we've come out here to the edge.

There's a lot more ice.

It is beautiful, don't get me wrong. It is spectacular.

There are no animals.

With no prospect of seeing any wildlife, we headed to camp. Shit.

You fall and I know I'll watch you fall.

Time after time.

If you fall and I know I will be waiting.

Time after time.

Where were you waiting?

I should write my own songs.

How much further is it?

So there's the kitchen.

Yeah. Main area where we're going to eat, right? Right.

And these are the sleeping tents. You can pick whichever you want.

Okay. Which one's the best one?

The one I'm going to sleep in.

This is mine.

And there's the pisser.

Where? That black thing? The black one's the pisser.

It's just a pisser.

I know, but I just want to see exactly what we're dealing with here.

Pissing it.

You interested in a pisser?

Got all the necessary gear.

That's a bin bag with a seat on it. Yeah, proper.

So how long are we here for, two days? Two days.

I'm basically not going to go to the toilet. I'm just going to train my body

reabsorb all of the nutrients.

Even if I had wanted to use the toilet, I felt certain that the contents of my

bowels had by now frozen solid.

It had become painfully clear that neither my genetics nor my temperament

suited to cold weather.

You alright?

Well, I've just had one of the worst nights out ever.

Why?

It's freezing cold.

I spent about an hour, hour and a half debating whether I should get up and go

to the toilet because normally when you go to the toilet it's annoying because

you have to walk to the bathroom.

But here...

When you want to go to the toilet, you have to decide whether you want to face

the Arctic tundra or not.

So, did you go?

I'm not pooing into a bin bag.

When I get to the toilet, I like the satisfying sound.

You know... That's what I want to hear when I get to the toilet.

Not a bin bag rustling.

That is not relief to me.

Isn't there a point where that becomes beyond your control?

Pardon? Isn't there a point where that becomes beyond your control? No, that

doesn't become beyond my control. I'm not going to crap into a bin bag. I'm

a fox.

Johnny said that we would dedicate the day to hunting down the elusive

For him, the emphasis was definitely on the hunting, but still, I was excited.

First, though, he would show me how to build an igloo, just in case a polar

turned up and ripped all our tents to pieces.

So when's the last time you had to build on a lake?

I had to have to.

I had to have to about 20 years ago. I was caribou hunting about 100 miles from

the middle of nowhere.

I had caught four caribous, and it was maybe 11 in the evening. I was on my way

home, fell through the ice, and I got off river, built the igloo big enough

myself, much like this size. Yeah.

And next morning I had to cut up the caribou skins to make clothing because

were wet and frozen, and fixed the snowmobile and drove back four or five

home. Oh, my God. At minus 40, minus 50.

Yeah. That's probably what I would have done in that situation.

How long will this take to make this?

With your help, probably two hours.

Thanks, Johnny.

Without my help?

About an hour.

Look at that.

Beautiful.

Okay, shall I go do the next one?

I am. Try and keep it consistent at this part.

Straight.

And then the bottom.

So, Johnny and I started building the igloo together.

And it's actually quite a fascinating process.

For about seven and a half minutes.

After which point you think, you know what, I'm out of this.

I think if I was actually in a survival situation, I would start making an igloo

and then I'd think, oh, I'm just going to give up and die, I think. This is too

much of a ball ache.

How's it going over there, good?

Very good.

How are you?

Yeah, good, thanks.

How long do you reckon?

Two days, maybe three.

To build it?

Oh. Maybe half an hour, an hour.

So the igloos obviously have to be able to protect you from the elements.

How strong is that igloo?

Well, if you built it right, you can stand on top of it.

It won't break?

Yeah.

Have you tried that?

Yeah, I've tried it before.

That doorway looks a little bit tiny and precarious.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Okay, I'm in.

Hey, Johnny.

Do you want me to get out of the way? Oh, Jesus.

This is lovely.

Little bench here.

It's very tiny.

No one would survive here. No.

Do you feel like we're too close to each other?

Very. Shall we get out?

Yes.

Thank you.

Very nice.

Yeah. You enjoyed it?

Very much so, yeah.

Let's see you get on top of it. Okay.

Ready? Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.

Our experiment in Igwe building a failure, we headed over to the ice flow

if we would have better luck finding some wildlife.

The ice had broken up overnight, and having found a good spot, we settled in

the wait.

So we'll put the hydrophone in and listen to see if there's any wildlife

underneath. Whales, seals, right?

So hydrophone is what? Like an underwater microphone?

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. An underwater microphone.

Did you just figure that out by yourself?

Well, I thought hydro, water, phone, underwater microphone.

You're pretty smart.

Oh, God, I miss that sound.

So we'll be able to hear everything now, won't we? Yeah.

Whales, seals.

Here, have a listen.

Isn't that incredible?

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I can't believe how many noises there are.

Yeah.

There's a lot of wildlife out there.

Seems like there's not very much to see, but this is their world and they can

show us if they want to or not.

Just being out here, you can feel that, right?

Even when I don't catch anything, just sitting here calms me.

Are you saying something?

No.

What are all these noises?

So they're really high -pitched noises.

They're the belugas.

And the little bit lower noise are narwhals, and the deep ones are

bowhead whales.

Bowhead whales? Yeah.

And there's a lot of them.

They're everywhere.

Ah, fuck.

Don't move. Nobody move. Nobody move. Nobody move.

Oh my God, did you get it?

Yep.

He just shot us ill.

We were waiting to see some wildlife, and then all of a sudden, I didn't even

see it. Johnny just came, bang, took it out.

I mean, I've been told it's completely legal to hunt seal if you've got a

licence, but, I mean, it's a weird sort of thought process I'm going through.

Obviously, you know, I am obviously a...

I'm obviously a vegan, and so my viewpoint is that you shouldn't eat

you shouldn't do anything to animals. It's a gory thing to see. If you look at

it at the very bare facts of it, it seems cute and lovely, and I'm seeing

them just get shot in the head.

You can't help have a reaction to that, but at the same time, the truth is

I'm not offended by it on a moral level. I'm not offended.

We've got this set of expectations and this arbitrary moral code that we've put

in place that these are the animals that thou shalt eat and these are the

animals that thou shalt not eat.

And if other cultures eat those animals, then that makes them less civilised

than us and that makes them savages or that makes them crueler than we are. And

it's just not the case. It is just not the case.

What Johnny did just now is left cruel the most of the meat farming practice

that we have in our country and in Europe.

That's a fact.

Do you know what I mean?

I think that, you know, you have to be wary of the fact that you pick and

what your moral code is depending on your experiences.

And that is what you have to have in mind when you watch something like that

happen.

Johnny had killed the only bit of wildlife we had seen on the trip.

I was still trying to digest the idea when we suddenly got the news that a

bear had been spotted nearby.

We jumped onto the snowmobiles and set off.

Oh, it's right there.

Oh, man, look.

There it is, there it is, there it is.

It's unbelievable.

It's a big -ass male, too.

We found the polar bear, man.

So sick.

It's literally right there.

You see it?

Look at the size of it.

It's beautiful.

This is unbelievable.

I did not expect to feel this kind of childlike glee at seeing it. Do you know

what I mean?

I was like properly buzzing when we were coming over here and I thought there's

no way we're going to see it.

Look at the strength on him.

You can tell how much power and beauty it's got.

Fuck.

Is it quite rare, this?

What? Is it quite rare?

No.

This is very common for us.

I cannot believe we're this close.

This is incredible, man.

No shit.

Well, I spent a week in the Arctic with Johnny and bits of it have been

incredible. As soon as I arrived at the airport, within an hour, I was on a

snowmobile heading out to see some of the most amazing scenery I've ever seen.

You know, we're actually heading out onto the sea, the frozen sea.

And at that point, that was the best thing I'd ever seen.

..in my life, up until that day, and then two days later I saw something

I mean, that is what this place can offer you.

I'll be honest, I'm, like, absolutely battered.

It's so cold that it literally is all you can think about. All you can think

about is, I wish I didn't feel like this, I wish I didn't feel like this.

it's like the environment doesn't want you to be here. It's like all of the

elements are going, don't be here, mate, go somewhere warmer.

And then all of a sudden...

you get the opportunity to see a polar bear.

And I just completely forgot about all of the hardships up until that point. I

didn't care that it was cold, I didn't care how rough the accommodation was, I

didn't care about any of that. It was just, even if I hadn't seen that polar

bear, this would have been the most amazing thing I've ever done.

And then I saw a polar bear.

You're never going to see vast numbers of tourists coming up here because it's

just too hard to get here, it's too hard to be here.

I'd say...

Yes, it's tough, and there will be times when you think, I can't be arsed with

this, this is too much.

There definitely will be times like that.

But if you're willing to risk those times,

the rewards you get are unbelievable.

Like, it genuinely will stay with me for the rest of my life, what we've seen

out here.

And ran and ran and ran, and so basically I ended up saving the whole

family from a polar bear attack.

Cool. Cool.

Although if you really wanted adventure, you should of course go to the

Antarctic. I went there a few years ago.

Of course you fucking did.